So many clichés, so obvious... how come I cant stop it?

[elaine567]

I recall a similar story.

Girl with long term BF, cheating with OM.

Loads of time spent with OM, oodles of "true love"...

BF in complete darkness, no idea she is cheating.

One day she dumps the BF, OM is excited, he has her all to himself, he makes "plans", but she needs "space".

"Fine", he thought, "She needs time to adjust" but she never returned to him, she in effect dumped both and moved on...

[ManMar]

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be moralistic or sarcastic when I say this but I cannot understand why you are so upset with her actions. You are in the exact same situation, maybe even worse because you already have a marriage and wife is great but somehow you feel betrayed at being put in a box and only being brought out for play. Isn't that in a sense what you are already doing?

 

 

Like I say I'm not trying to preach I simply don't see much if any difference in behaviour between the 2 of you.

 

Actually, yes, you have a valid point.

 

Maybe I have been using her too... at some point it was not like that, I was seriously thinking on this OW as the way forward.

 

If we have continued seeing each other after she decided to go ahead with the wedding... we have both been using each other, just to feed our addiction, to prolong the feeling of fantasy land. We both implicitly decided to create a bubble for us.

 

I should not confuse a bubble with real life. I should not feel betrayed, I agree with you. I should just pop the bubble if I dont like it, and I dont.

 

Thanks

[ManMar]

I recall a similar story.

Girl with long term BF, cheating with OM.

Loads of time spent with OM, oodles of "true love"...

BF in complete darkness, no idea she is cheating.

One day she dumps the BF, OM is excited, he has her all to himself, he makes "plans", but she needs "space".

"Fine", he thought, "She needs time to adjust" but she never returned to him, she in effect dumped both and moved on...

 

Actually, I thought that was the most probable scenario in this case.

[ManMar]

You will actually attend the wedding? In what world is that a good idea? And you talk ill of her, but people in glass houses shouldnt throw stones... you are no better than she is.

 

I feel sorry for the innocent parties here. I understand you and your wife have a non-traditional sex life. But in all those cases, you had mutual knowledge and agreement to have sex with others. This comes with a certain amount of trust and respect. However, going behind her back and engaging in NSA sex breaks those bonds. I wouldnt shrug off your previous infidelities so quickly.

 

Yes, it is a very bad idea to attend the wedding. I am trapped on that one, lets see if I can get out somehow. I am not any guest, I am the founder of the company where she is a junior partner.

 

Btw, I am upset but the whole situation, for the reckless behavior of both of us; but still, I think I have not talked ill of her.

 

On the NSA sex, thanks for the remark, but that is an independent discussion to this.

[elaine567]

It seems to me that when people have two apparently serious lovers, it is usually because either one isn't enough. The two mesh together to provide a whole.

If she could cut you both in two and make a new person with all the good bits of each, she would.

[ManMar]

It seems to me that when people have two apparently serious lovers, it is usually because either one isn't enough. The two mesh together to provide a whole.

If she could cut you both in two and make a new person with all the good bits of each, she would.

 

That is the romantic view on all this, as opposed to the cynical one where I, or she, or both, use(s) the other on purpose.

 

Like you, I tend not to have a cynical view of the world. I have not used her consciously, but it is also true that, objectively, I have used her to satisfy my needs, whichever they may be. I think she has used me, but I dont think she has done that on purpose neither.

 

We both would like this to be different, we both know there is no future for us as a couple and we both try to cope with the idea that this has to finish.

[elaine567]

That is the romantic view on all this, as opposed to the cynical one where I, or she, or both, use(s) the other on purpose.

I wasn't seeing it as necessarily romantic, more pragmatic perhaps?

 

I think as this needs to end, then as you say, deflating the romantic bubble may do you a bit of a favour.

[Bittersweetie]

Yes, it is a very bad idea to attend the wedding. I am trapped on that one, lets see if I can get out somehow. I am not any guest, I am the founder of the company where she is a junior partner.

 

Plan a trip for your family that weekend. Then, when people ask, you say: "Oh, I'd already planned this trip, we cannot reschedule. I am so sorry to miss the event." That way you do not attend, but "save face" as the big boss. No one will know the details of when you planned your trip unless you tell them. Just a suggestion.

[ManMar]

Update

 

LC over the weekend - she and her BF, together with family from both sides, where at the wedding place taking some event decisions.

 

I have tried to clear up my mind during these days. She sent me a few messages along the lines of "I miss you", "I love you so much", "While all this people talk, I am thinking that I am in love with other man"..... I was upset, thinking, wtf, so why are you getting married then? nobody is pointing a gun at you! but I refrained from talking to her other than a couple of phrases.

 

Yesterday, we did have a long talk. In person. Tough conversation. I reminded her of all the damage we can cause to people that love us. That we are acting irresponsibly. I told her that she is literally with another man two months before her wedding. I told her that I am even worse, that I with a woman that is going to get married with another guy, while I am still married with another woman. Our actions are beyond morally incorrect and we cant hide behind love words. Loving each other does not justify the pain we can cause. It is not that she needs to be reminded, but I think it helps both of us to look at the ugly part of reality at its eyes.

 

She tells me that she does not really know why she is getting married. That she is in auto pilot and that the wedding inertia seems unstoppable. That that she knows we cant have a future together so she is just going with the flow. She thinks maybe it can work out with her BF long term, that she does not love him, but that he is a great guy in every sense. She is obviously very aware of the potential damage to other people if our story sees the light, it makes her sick something like that could happen and she agrees this has to stop if only for that reason.

 

I think that she was under the impression that we could smoothly transition into being colleagues or friends or something similar. I took the opportunity to point out that we have been together for the best part of the last two years, that we are totally mad for each other and that we are way beyond any point of no return. There is no way we can avoid being personally hurt. Breaking up is going to mean total separation. No contact. Never. We wont be able to continue working together under this emotional state.

 

I also told her that maybe she is able to focus on building a life with her BF and put us in some mental pocket while we continue working together, but that situation would not work either, as I am not going to sit as a passive spectator while that happens. At this point in my life, I am not prepared to be in that position. I will simply put land between us.

 

I am trying to manage this situation so that parting ways is just an unavoidable mutual conclusion, and not an imposition from me.

 

So, we both know this has to stop. We also know that we will need to part ways. However, we have not explicitly broken up. We just recognize what needs to be done, but we are still in a gray area.

 

I want her to start assuming that total NC is what is going to happen. That there is no "smooth" option. At the same time, I dont want her to think that I am making an ultimatum for her wedding... I want her to marry this guy so that we both can move on with our lives.

 

It is however difficult to swallow that it is already two years since this started and we are still thinking on each other all the time.

 

Tbh, I am not sure what next step is going to be.

Edited February 19, 2019 by ManMar

[Amethyst68]

Honest question, if DDay were to happen today what would be your gut instinct. To leave with the OW or cut off all contact and try to reconcile with your wife, if she's willing. What is more important to you (not basing your decision on guilt)?

[ManMar]

Honest question, if DDay were to happen today what would be your gut instinct. To leave with the OW or cut off all contact and try to reconcile with your wife, if she's willing. What is more important to you (not basing your decision on guilt)?

 

My instinct would be to leave with the OW, but I would not take a decision based on instinct alone (in fact, I am not taking that decision now and I could)

 

My first concern would be with my wife's suffering, I think I would clearly stay or do anything to diminish it to the extent I can. That would take priority over this romance.

 

I have fallen in love with the OW not bc of something my wife is doing or not doing to me.

[ManMar]

Update

 

After a difficult talk last Wed, we recognized that we had to stop but did not come up with any plan as to how.

 

The next day was difficult. Both of us under emotional stress. I was at the main office with her and the rest of the team, we barely talked to each other. At the end of the day I decided to force a fight, with the purpose of breaking this state of nonsensical bliss between us.

 

I picked up on something she did, pushing her to a defensive mood. Later at night I sent her a long message talking about disappointment, overreacting and raising some other minor issues that I know are sensitive to her. I ended the text saying that I just didn't like her behavior and that I wanted her out of my life.

 

I was unfair and out of proportion on purpose. I wanted her to dislike me. I was only half successful.

 

She did not sleep that night. She came back to me in the morning apologizing and accepting the break up.

 

I asked her what she wanted from me, when she was marrying another man. She told me that what she wants from me she can’t get, and that she is lost. I repeated that I am not going to be a passive spectator of her life, so we will need to stop working together. I asked her whether she wanted to build a life with his BF and I was simply a rock on the road, the answer was “at this point, I dont see how can I build anything with him, I’d be the happiest woman if he canceled the wedding”

 

I think those are just words. She is definitely getting married with this guy and it only makes sense she focuses on making it work. At the same time, she seems to be under the idea that somehow we can keep a parallel romance. Keep in mind that she is a very brilliant woman, it is so absurd how we both deceive ourselves.

 

So we basically ended up where we started, with no real plan as to what to do with us. Or rather, no real plan on how to really break up, not this back and forth that we are having.

 

I've realized that after getting the invitation I am becoming obsessed with the fxxxing wedding, I have to go and I dont really know how to handle it. I am starting to think about it as shock therapy: seeing her with him will and the whole fxxxing show will force me looking at reality.

 

In the meanwhile, we are still in this limbo where the affair is over but not 100% over. Enough to get us in bed again, two months from wedding day.

 

Any suggestions?

Edited February 22, 2019 by ManMar

[assertives]

As with all projects, at some point, you'll need to execute and get out of the planning phase. Both of you have gone through quite a fair bit of discussions about how you both know it needs to end and that it's not going anywhere. Frankly, there has been zero effort on both sides to actively begin weaning off this affair. If you have truly decided to choose your marriage and end things with her, it maybe time to just put an abrupt stop to all of it and tell her to leave the company.

 

Also, you said you want her to marry this guy so you can both move on, so does that mean if she chooses not to marry him, you would continue the affair with her? It seems from your posts that your resolve in wanting to end things with her is because she is getting married and not because you want to choose your marriage and move on from this.

[Abetterme]

@manmar - I am sorry this situation is painful, but I think the “trying to pick a fight with her” as a way of ending this is the most cowardly thing you could do. My blood pressure actually sky rocketed reading this. It is a sensitive day for me, so I don’t intend to take it out on you, but my xMM ended things by basically just switching me off like I never mattered. I know it was the only way for him, but I thought that was brutal. what you’re doing is worse.

 

You know what you need to do which is exercise self control. My xMM and I started our EA while he was soon to be married (even though I didn’t really realize what I’d gotten myself into at the time) and I worked to keep it platonic as it hadn’t gotten to the place you were at, but he kept hard charging. I wish more than anything looking back I would have stopped the EA immediately by just putting my foot down. I would have missed the friendship and emotional support but it would be far easier than the hell Im trying to extricate myself from now. It will only get more painful for you watching her continue to build her new life with him...I speak from experience.

 

It is clear reading your posts you will not be leaving your wife. I think you need to be very clear with her that while it is painful for you both you need to stop unless you both make serious changes with your partners, which you’re unwilling to do. You need to utilize your professional network to help her find placement at another company, let her know you’ll be assisting in a professional capacity only and cease all contact. Until that happens, remain out of the same office location. You know in your heart cutting contact is then only way but, like me toward the end of my A, you’re just afraid of the pain to follow. It’s time....

[elaine567]

Is there any chance of "a woman scorned" type of issue here?

Yes she has a fiancé and a wedding planned but people cancel weddings all the time. Seems to me you may have more to lose here, if she decided to blow it all up.

[Amethyst68]

I know you'll probably come back to me about being the morality police but I just can't get by the double standard and hypocrisy of your posts. You continually post about her wedding and not continuing the affair one she's married all the while you're betraying a supposedly great wife who you would continue betraying if not for the wedding and if possible leave your marriage for.

 

 

You're a grown man who owns a business, people rely on you for their living, you have a child - is this the example you want to showing him if he finds out and the chances are your family will find out some point. Make your decision and stick to it for all your sakes!

[ManMar]

I know you'll probably come back to me about being the morality police but I just can't get by the double standard and hypocrisy of your posts. You continually post about her wedding and not continuing the affair one she's married all the while you're betraying a supposedly great wife who you would continue betraying if not for the wedding and if possible leave your marriage for.

 

 

You're a grown man who owns a business, people rely on you for their living, you have a child - is this the example you want to showing him if he finds out and the chances are your family will find out some point. Make your decision and stick to it for all your sakes!

 

Thanks. I dont think I have a double standard. I am aware we are doing both wrong. Not just her, not just me.

[ManMar]

Is there any chance of "a woman scorned" type of issue here?

Yes she has a fiancé and a wedding planned but people cancel weddings all the time. Seems to me you may have more to lose here, if she decided to blow it all up.

 

There is always a chance, but she is going ahead with the wedding, I really think that is decided. All our conversations start with the wedding as given.

[ManMar]

@manmar - I am sorry this situation is painful, but I think the “trying to pick a fight with her” as a way of ending this is the most cowardly thing you could do. My blood pressure actually sky rocketed reading this. It is a sensitive day for me, so I don’t intend to take it out on you, but my xMM ended things by basically just switching me off like I never mattered. I know it was the only way for him, but I thought that was brutal. what you’re doing is worse.

 

 

I get your empathy. I am trying all alternatives to put distance between us. We need a joint effort, bc neither of us alone has had the willpower so far.

[ManMar]

 

Also, you said you want her to marry this guy so you can both move on, so does that mean if she chooses not to marry him, you would continue the affair with her? It seems from your posts that your resolve in wanting to end things with her is because she is getting married and not because you want to choose your marriage and move on from this.

 

I have learned that in this additive situation there is a big difference between what you want and what you end up doing.

 

I want that we both move on with our lives, independent of each other. I dont want to continue the affair, its draining my energy. Moreover, the idea of being with her while she has just married another guy makes me sick.

[ManMar]

New Chapter-

 

Several hours of texting yesterday. we are in the middle of a painful process of recognizing that breaking up is just unavoidable.

 

She is just mentally destroyed. She can't think straight. She does not want to marry this guy but cancelling the wedding is just a mountain she can't climb.

 

She is sort of assuming that we will continue being together afterwards, that the wedding is just an event. I continue repeating that this is not an option.

 

I told her everything is already decided. She is not only marrying this guy but also making an effort for a future together with him. She denies that is the case, but I disagree. This is going in one direction.

 

I am determined to NC. I am sick of this.

[oldtruck]

You want NC?

 

Get a new number, new email, block her on everything, leave

your job, today.

 

Actions speak louder than words. I do not hear you.

 

It is no longer the time to talk, it is time to walk.

[elaine567]

You want NC?

Get a new number, new email, block her on everything, leave

your job, today.

He can't leave his job, he owns the business.

[mark clemson]

... the idea of being with her while she has just married another guy makes me sick.

<in a later post>

She is just mentally destroyed. She can't think straight. She does not want to marry this guy but cancelling the wedding is just a mountain she can't climb.

 

She is sort of assuming that we will continue being together afterwards, that the wedding is just an event. I continue repeating that this is not an option.

 

 

Imagine if her H founds out she cheated during the whole engagement. I'm sure it's NEVER easy, but at least after 10 years of marriage one could at least understand being tired of the same-old. There will never be this "cause" for him (really just a poor excuse but at least it's something).

 

Fully agree that you should stop the A, but really the damage is already done. Cancelling the wedding (if she could bring herself to do it) would no doubt be awful, but it would at least prevent the STBH's whole marriage from being founded on a lie.

 

There really is no good way out from this.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Do you think she is clinging to you harder because she doesn’t want to marry her fiancé? That sounds like a nightmare—feeling like you have no choice but to marry someone you don’t want to marry.

 

Don’t go to the wedding—it will be torture for you both. Have a sudden stomach or intestinal thing hit you at the last minute. I’m sure you won’t have to do much faking; you’re going to feel pretty sick that day regardless.