So many clichés, so obvious... how come I cant stop it?

[MountainGirl111]

ManMar-IMO you are full of contradictions. You've said your OW is confused...yet I see you as being just as confused as she is. I think you wish to "present" well as if you can think your way "clearly" through this.

 

Some things are clear; many not so clear. I think you've been adept at compartmentalizing sex from years of experience in separating out you NSA affairs from your married life and somehow concluded it was not "cheating"...however, those may not have been emotional betrayals...but for many women they don't separate sexual betrayals from emotional betrayals.

 

You've posted a few times you don't have a crystal ball...yet there are places where you have speculated how things are likely to turn out for your OW should she marry her fiance.

 

IF she goes through with this wedding it will be under TRAGIC circumstances. And, seriously messed up.

 

You say she chased you and got in your pants. Did she actually force herself on you; did she rip your clothes off against your free will? Did she rape you? Didn't think so. See...I agree she got in your pants....but I believe you didn't stop her....maybe tried to at first....but there came a point in time that you stopped trying to stop her. Am I right?

 

Now, I just got off the phone with a dear dear old girlfriend of mine who is totally devastated? Want to know why? (I still can't take it all in, what she must be feeling). She caught her husband in bed with her best friend....their best friend....she's known her for decades....they've been best friends for decades....the truth came out in a very ugly way that he husband admitted he was secretly in love with the best friend even before they got married....but he thought he could never really "have" her, so didn't really pursue her....but they ended up being around each other throughout the years and when she found out he had a secret crush on her she subtly fed that spark which turned into a fire....and fire that is currently SCORCHING everyone in its path.

 

I'm not here to preach Heaven and Hell on you. But I really don't understand how you can be so naive to think your OW's marriage should just go through as planned and it may all just work out fine for the newlyweds.

 

You're right, none of us has a crystalball and we cannot predict the future. What many of us have, however is real life experience and we've seen how these things tend to go.....

 

So, go ahead..."live for the present"....what is you wife presently doing/feeling/thinking/experiencing. The seeds that have been sown and eventually going to reap a flourishing harvest of crushing guilt.

 

Back to the beginning of my post: Contradictions. Whenever there are contradictions, there is a deeper truth to be found. Think about it.

[Cullenbohannon]

...just today, she is helping her BF finding an apartment in a new city...and texting me "I've seen a place that would be perfect for you and me"... .

 

Yes she is planning to cheat during her marriage...and with you. They will be long distance for 2 years and she will continue working with....YOU.

 

You do not need a crystall ball. Those are HER words....and your words tell the same story. The affair will likely continue thruout the marriage.

 

Ask her a question the next time you see her. Ask her if you were willing to divorce your wife, would she break off the engagement and be with you.

 

You know the truth. You have the influence. Talk to her. What she is doing is not love. Her vows have no honor. One day she may find the right guy, or become a woman worth marrying, but for now she should not marry him and you know it. Do what you can to insure that this guy does not bear the burden that you two are inflicting on your wife. Even if she does not know it.

 

We are close to your age and have said the forever words last summer. Our comments are not on your affair, but on the nightmare of that impending wedding. It should not happen.

 

Breaking up her engagement will be hard, however it must be done.

Edited February 12, 2019 by Cullenbohannon

[ManMar]

So you're not going to continue the affair after her marriage?

 

 

Why do you honor her commitment and marriage more than your own?

 

No, I am not going to continue this situation. At some point I seriously considered being together with this OW, but when she decided to actually go ahead with the wedding, that vision evaporated. Now, everything is about the present.

 

Seems to me I have a slightly different view about marriage from what people imply in their comments. I dont think the actual ceremony changes anything, it is a symbol, an important one, but a symbol.

 

IMO, before marrying someone, there has to be a previous understanding of each other, as individuals with needs, expectations and values; there also has to be an understanding on boundaries, before and after the ceremony. Then, both parties need to commit. So marriage is about a common project, shared values, vision and commitment. It is a project between people, with everything that human relationships entail, including love, but not only love.

 

So, the definition of what is marriage, or more generally, sharing a life project with someone, is not what somebody else thinks it should be. It is what two people agree it to be.

 

In other words, when people here give me lessons about marriage, I tend to think, compared to what standard, to yours? to the standard of some religion you like? to the standard of your community or tradition? because my wife and I may have a different standard, any many other people do.

 

In my case, the NSA sex I had in the past is NOT a break of the understandings I have with my wife. Regardless of the opinion of some people here. I simply have a different view and I dont enter that discussion.

 

Now, falling in love with OW and making her a priority, that is no doubt out of the boundaries of my marriage. I have crossed the line. I am not happy with myself for that. I have broken my commitment with my wife.

 

With regards to the marriage of this OW, I think this she has a commitment problem. She has not been able to commit to any relationship in her past, me included. She is obviously not committed to her BF now, but people do change if they want to.

 

My moral issues with regards to their relationship are not on "breaking the marriage institution", are more on a lower level, on the side of her BF; he is not fully aware of who he is marrying (or he is and he goes ahead anyway, I dont know). He could be badly hurt, I feel empathy for him. But again, at the same time I do think she loves him, not with passion, but she sees in him a long term companion. Maybe it works for them.

Edited February 12, 2019 by ManMar

[ManMar]

ManMar-IMO you are full of contradictions. You've said your OW is confused...yet I see you as being just as confused as she is. I think you wish to "present" well as if you can think your way "clearly" through this.

 

Some things are clear; many not so clear. I think you've been adept at compartmentalizing sex from years of experience in separating out you NSA affairs from your married life and somehow concluded it was not "cheating"...however, those may not have been emotional betrayals...but for many women they don't separate sexual betrayals from emotional betrayals.<snip>

 

I may have contradictions (saying one thing and the opposite) but I think what I do have is cognitive dissonance (my beliefs and actions are in opposite directions). I am aware of that.

 

I have already talked about my past NSA sex. For some reason, you are assuming that in those cases the OW did not have NSA sex and were looking for something else. I dont know, it didnot seem that way. I never implied anything else than NSA sex to them, never.

 

I dont have a crystal ball, but I can speculate, like anybody else. Not sure what your comment is about. I dont act on speculations as if they were a certainty, that I dont do.

 

This OW did chase me, but again, it is totally irrelevant. I acted on free will. I have said that many times: who initiated the affair is just not a relevant point, we are both in it.

 

Sorry about your friend situation. What is exactly the point? That he is devil? that the OW is devil? that your friend is naif? that you feel empathy for her? that life should be perfect? are you talking about a sad situation or about a moral lesson? I get that life is being unfair to your friend and she is suffering, but I am not sure what is the conclusion of your comment.

 

In my situation, I dont think that marriage should take place. I think they should work out their issues as a couple. However, I do think she somewhat loves him and I assume he loves her too. Honestly, I am not 100% sure that the marriage is doomed as many people here seem to anticipate. They are going to evolve, maybe in the right direction.

 

Many thanks for the time and comments.

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[ManMar]

Yes she is planning to cheat during her marriage...and with you. They will be long distance for 2 years and she will continue working with....YOU.

 

You do not need a crystall ball. Those are HER words....and your words tell the same story. The affair will likely continue thruout the marriage.

 

Ask her a question the next time you see her. Ask her if you were willing to divorce your wife, would she break off the engagement and be with you.

 

You know the truth. You have the influence. Talk to her. What she is doing is not love. Her vows have no honor. One day she may find the right guy, or become a woman worth marrying, but for now she should not marry him and you know it. Do what you can to insure that this guy does not bear the burden that you two are inflicting on your wife. Even if she does not know it.

 

We are close to your age and have said the forever words last summer. Our comments are not on your affair, but on the nightmare of that impending wedding. It should not happen.

 

Breaking up her engagement will be hard, however it must be done.

 

Hi, thanks for your comment.

 

I dont take her words literally. I think it is just the dreaming part of the affair, just wishing the impossible and saying it out loud.

 

She is struggling with the idea of her marriage and her short term feelings for other man. She has also told me a couple of days ago "I have to stop seeing you at some point, but I cant find the right moment, there seem to be no right moment".

 

Again, I dont have an intention of living a double life, let along with a newly married woman. I dont have such a plan. I dont think she has that plan either.

 

I agree that the wedding should not go ahead on those terms. I know that, but you have a certainty on what will happen that I dont share. I dont know what that guy thinks of her (or likes to think). I only know they have been together for 4 years and she thinks on him as a suitable long term companion.

 

You want me to be the a judge for their relationship and then an enforcement agent on my judgement. I think you are asking for too much.

[Amethyst68]

So by your reckoning there would be no repercussions if your wife found out about your NSA hook ups? It doesn't really matter what you think if she feels it's a betrayal.

 

 

 

Your words would also indicate you would take no action if you found out your wife was partaking in NSA sex. That would be only be fair after all.

 

 

 

Of course you may have an open marriage that only allows for no emotion sex.

[ManMar]

So by your reckoning there would be no repercussions if your wife found out about your NSA hook ups? It doesn't really matter what you think if she feels it's a betrayal.

 

 

 

Your words would also indicate you would take no action if you found out your wife was partaking in NSA sex. That would be only be fair after all.

 

 

 

Of course you may have an open marriage that only allows for no emotion sex.

 

No, there wont be repercussions. She would not be happy learning I had NSA sex years ago, but that is all.

 

We have always been very adventurous and liberal with regards to sex. We participated in group sex and had threesomes with women and men. I have seen her having sex with other people and she has seen me. It was all NSA sex.

 

Sorry, you are not going to find a double moral in me. If she admitted she had NSA sex time ago, I would not be happy neither, but my relationship with her is not centered on sex, it is much wider and deeper than that.

 

I'm afraid your are going to be disappointed if you are looking for a simplistic view of things. I have betrayed the trust of my wife, but not for the sex. I have absolutely no pending fantasy that awakes me at night or otherwise any desperate need for sex.

 

My story is not about sex.

 

Btw, I dont pretend to give any lesson. As I said, we live our marriage with our own standards, I dont impose them on anyone. We do place a lot of importance to sex, we know the intimate aspects of it. We know all that. But we also lived the fun part of sex with little taboos. It was great, neither of us regrets it!

 

To me, sex with this OW is wrong not because of the pleasure and fun, but bc of the intimacy between the two of us. We have fun sex, but we also make love. That is out of boundaries. I have crossed the line. My wife would be extremely hurt bc of that.

[Amethyst68]

There is a huge difference in participating in NSA sex as a couple when both parties are fully informed, it is another thing to do it in secret behind your partner's back. Polyamorous or open relationships usually have strict rules about hooking up with other people outside the relationship.

 

 

I'm not a BS and have no investment in your marriage, I just feel you have determined your mindset and may be in for a shock about your wife's reaction to ALL your infidelity if it was to be discovered.

 

 

 

If you were truly ready to leave your marriage maybe it's time to honestly ask yourself if it's fair to your wife to stay and ask her to be your plan b, even if she never knows!

[waterwoman]

Hi manmar, FWIW I agree with you that the NSA probably was not a betrayal in your circumstances, in fact I suspect if my DH had had NSA sex with his OW I'd have been less hurt that I was.

 

However by your own words you are betraying her by your current activities. Is it possible that the cognitive dissonance you mention is numbing you to the damage you are doing to your marriage? You seem so calm and, for want of a better word, passive. Am I wrong? You have set your face against confession but might it not actually help get you out of this current malaise?

[MountainGirl111]

[OP]

I may have contradictions (saying one thing and the opposite) but I think what I do have is cognitive dissonance (my beliefs and actions are in opposite directions). I am aware of that.

Perhaps working with personal counselor would help you in this area.

I have already talked about my past NSA sex. For some reason, you are assuming that in those cases the OW did not have NSA sex and were looking for something else. I dont know, it didnot. seem that way. I never implied anything else than NSA sex to them, never.

I brought that up because I think it would affect your marriage if your wife knew about it...it WOULD impact your wife, the woman you are supposed to be committed to...

I also think it speaks to your character, your set of values, your moral compass, which in turn impacts your whole life as much as you might try to deny that. Yes, I would say you are fairly good at compartmentalizing it...many of us compartmentalize things; it's how we deal with some situations...whether you know it or not this ties into your affair with your OW as you are already compartmentalizing what she will do once she is married...There are "parts" and there is the "whole".

 

Many women tend to be more global...the OW may turn out to not be so good at compartmentalizing as you may think. Has she acted more like a "MM"? Maybe so. I personally think her character is very flawed in planning a wedding while being in love with someone else. Very flawed. I don't like to judge people, but this situation is really messed up. People should not get married unless they are "all in". She already has reserved a potion of her heart and soul for you. That is hardly all in. That is not true commitment. You say marriage is a "project'. Excuse me? I disagree. It's not just some project. It goes way deeper and longer than that...

I dont have a crystal ball, but I can speculate, like anybody else. Not sure what your comment is about. I dont act on speculations as if they were a certainty, that I dont do.

Sure you can speculate all you want. And I can speculate that her future husband may find out about all this and you could end up with a very angry man in your face. Things can turn out very ugly from there. Consider how many people are injured or murder because of a jealous boyfriend or husband. It happens all the time.

This OW did chase me, but again, it is totally irrelevant. I acted on free will. I have said that many times: who initiated the affair is just not a relevant point, we are both in it.

If it was truly irrelevant, why did you even bring it up? You made it sound as though she did the chasing and getting in your pants and there was nothing you could do anymore to resist her. Is it truly irrelevant? No, I don't think so. You really should have gotten rid of her position the minute boundaries were crossed. You are risking your marriage, but also the state of your successful company.

 

I get why you hired her. No wrong in that. But there came a time when boundaries were crossed and you caved. You are not a bad person for being tempted. We all have dealt with that. I don't even see you as a bad person. I think you want help with this and that is why you started posting here. So, don't just argue about stuff and act like a lawyer, as this is not a court of law...I seriously hope you don't end up in court with a sexual harassment charge. You say that won't happen but anything is possible. People sue for just about anything these days. You don't think she'll do it? If her soon to be husband finds out he may drive her to do it...or at least make her quit her job. And don't think he'll never find out.

 

He just may find out. You never know. A good lawyer will make her out to be the victim here as you are in a superior position to her. She's a dishonest person, we know that so she may make it out to be you have been pressuring her for sex in order to keep her position and standing in the company. Don't underestimate her...she is bright, afterall...

Sorry about your friend situation. What is exactly the point? That he is devil? that the OW is devil? that your friend is naif? that you feel empathy for her? that life should be perfect? are you talking about a sad situation or about a moral lesson? I get that life is being unfair to your friend and she is suffering, but I am not sure what is the conclusion of your comment.

My main point here is to give an example of how affairs cause suffering. I know you don't want to hurt your wife. You don't want your wife to suffer. You care about her. She is a fantastic wife. Thus you need to end your affair and hope your wife never finds out. End it. Stop it. That is what you need to do. Period.

 

I'm attempting to get you to do more soul searching here. You are obviously a smart, capable person. So, it would not take much for you to stretch your mind a little and think more about CHANGING yourself into a loyal, committed family man...in order to change you may need to think more about how your actions will cause suffering to others...BIG suffering...LOTS of suffering.

 

Do you really want others to suffer at all....more so as a result of your behavior? No I don't think you do wish suffering on loved ones. But, you're addicted to the "high" your affair with this OW is giving you. Addiction. It's going to hurt to withdraw from her. But, that is what you need to do and you know this. So, stop it. You have no other choice but to end it, really.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Repair quotes and bolding; add paragraphs

[ManMar]

Hi MountainG,

 

Many thanks for spending your time. The tone of your words speaks for your good intentions. I hear your comments.

 

I really dont think we should spend more time on the NSA sex. I have already explained my view on a previous post. I have not even thought about it for years! Really, it is something relevant to understand where I am coming from, but nothing else.

 

I mentioned that the OW chased me only to make a full description of the story. I have not used that argument as a justification for my actions, it is irrelevant on that sense. It is also not worth spending more time on that.

 

I think this forum is helpful for a number of reasons. I learn from other people's experience and I have the chance to talk about something really intimate and get interesting feedback. At the same time, I also find that a number of people use this forum to project their frustrations, anger and bitterness. I am fine with that, I am not offended. I could ignore those messages. My intention is just to clear the preconceptions that some people show and focus on what are real facts and the actual situation. I understand it may sound defensive, but it is not, I just try to make a fair description of my story. What I have noticed, is that regardless of what I say, some people insist on reading between lines in search for anything that backs their pre-judgement (the all too common confirmation bias that we all fall into).

 

On the legal front I dont have a concern, for a number of reasons that I prefer not to discuss here. Now, if this affair comes to light, my business will definitely be negatively impacted, I agree.

 

My intention is to finish with this addition and move on. I am very close to that point. Your comments, and those of some other people, are very helpful on that regard.

 

My plan:

 

- Let the A die with no drama involved. We already had the drama part when we realized that there is not future for us. Enough. The OW is distracted with her wedding so her time for the A is more limited. If I don't chase her and I just leave our relationship to cool down, I dont think she will do much to recover it right now. I think she will just let go. She also wants to stop this.

 

- I need to figure what to do afterwards, meaning later in the year when she is back from her honeymoon and we are back to normal.

 

Firstly, I am not sure how I will react to her new situation. I dont know if I will become jealous or develop some other discomforting feelings that would make us working together difficult.

 

Also, I am not sure we can work together without falling again. Maybe yes, maybe not. If we fall again, I don't see any alternative to complete NC, sine die. She will need to leave the company.

 

- Other than that, my focus now is on returning to my regular life. These last couple of years have been just too intense.

Edited February 13, 2019 by ManMar

[ManMar]

There is a huge difference in participating in NSA sex as a couple when both parties are fully informed, it is another thing to do it in secret behind your partner's back. Polyamorous or open relationships usually have strict rules about hooking up with other people outside the relationship.

 

 

I'm not a BS and have no investment in your marriage, I just feel you have determined your mindset and may be in for a shock about your wife's reaction to ALL your infidelity if it was to be discovered.

 

 

 

If you were truly ready to leave your marriage maybe it's time to honestly ask yourself if it's fair to your wife to stay and ask her to be your plan b, even if she never knows!

 

I appreciate your comments, but I dont want to repeat myself. I already get your view, I just have a different one (and a bit more information on my marriage than you).

 

You seem to be familiar with the rules of open or polyamorous relationships. I am not. I only know my case, which is neither of those. We have our own rules, not yours, not those of other people.

 

My marriage is not plan B, is plan A.

 

Thanks

[ManMar]

Hi manmar, FWIW I agree with you that the NSA probably was not a betrayal in your circumstances, in fact I suspect if my DH had had NSA sex with his OW I'd have been less hurt that I was.

 

However by your own words you are betraying her by your current activities. Is it possible that the cognitive dissonance you mention is numbing you to the damage you are doing to your marriage? You seem so calm and, for want of a better word, passive. Am I wrong? You have set your face against confession but might it not actually help get you out of this current malaise?

 

Hi, I am not a psychologist, I'm 50yo and I have had the time and the intellectual curiosity to get familiar with some concepts, but I am far from being an expert.

 

Afaik, cognitive dissonance is about the conflict between your beliefs and values and your actual actions, that may go against them. In response, we tend to come up with twisted and flawed narratives that somehow justify our actions. It is just something we are wired to do.

 

I try to avoid falling into that trap, but surely I am not immune. I know what I do and to what extent it does not make sense. What I am not sure is why it is so hard to stop a toxic behavior. I am not passive, I am active in the wrong direction!

 

I don't think confession should be used to the benefit of the sinner (metaphorically, I am not religious), when it is going to cause tremendous pain on the other side. I find that approach as fighting selfishness with more selfishness.

 

IMO, the arguments about the "right to know" of the spouse are ethically well intentioned, but fail to take into account that deception, even when morally wrong on absolute terms, may be the best course of action when truth is even more harmful. Unfortunately, life is not black or white, as we all know.

Edited February 13, 2019 by ManMar

[Turning point]

Wow.

It's really queer that your entire story paints the girl as the person with a problem. You even applaud yourself for an ability to use other women and cheat on your spouse and child without remorse. The bit about planning to go no contact while spending the whole day in a motel room - well, that disconnect is indicative of the blind spot you have to your serious lack of integrity.

 

Replace in your story the word "affair" with words like: Heroine, Cocaine, Alcohol, or any substance really, and the true nature of your problem is much more obvious. Like an alcoholic. you'll piss on anything including you own wife and child to get your next drink, only your drink is selfishness.

 

It's not her, she's doing what she's always done since age 15. Your the one who appears to be a predator.

 

God help the woman and child that were unfortunate enough to be attached to you. It's unlikely your wife hasn't figure this out yet.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Turning point

[Vivir]

On the legal front I dont have a concern, for a number of reasons that I prefer not to discuss here. Now, if this affair comes to light, my business will definitely be negatively impacted, I agree.

 

My plan:

 

<snip>

 

Hello again, ManMar, I just wanted to weigh in on your most recent comments.

 

Since you already know your business will be OK based on your country's laws, I will not advise you to seek out a lawyer so that you can discuss your options were a worst-case scenario to happen in the near future. Perhaps you could get legal advice, if you haven't already, on what your options would be if you need to terminate her employment as a means of implementing no contact.

 

Where the OW is concerned, I do not think you should leave ANYTHING to chance. If you want the affair to be over and done with, you will need to be proactive here... you will need express and enforced (no, really, don't forget that word ENFORCED) boundaries for both yourself (what you need to do) and your interaction with her (what you will do if she tries with you).

 

Generally, if the end is not explicitly clear, affair partners simply assume they are on a break and can resume at any time in the future. You will need to be proactive and prepare in case she tries to resume the affair once your lives return to normal after the wedding and honeymoon are done.

 

As you mentioned earlier, there is a serious possibility you will not react well as her wedding day approaches.

I think imagery might help you. Visualize all of the ways this could play out over the next few months. Visualize her behaving more chaotically as the wedding day approaches... Visualize her leaving him at the altar and running to be with you! What do you think you would do in that situation??? Then, visualize her in a wedding dress, kissing her husband-to-be, on her honeymoon... Visualize her trying to rekindle the affair afterwards...

 

Everything you are thinking that may make you feel discomfort if you were to experience it in real life. Speed up the clock and experience it in your mind. Get used to visualizing these things, experience your feelings about them. In a perfect world, where you are the hero, how would you react to these events? Develop plans for what you would do if it happened in three months or six months or one year.

 

Be proactive, ManMar. Have a plan or several. Try not to be caught off guard, especially since you are anticipating these likely future events.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Turning point]

Hi, I am not a psychologist, I'm 50yo and I have had the time and the intellectual curiosity to get familiar with some concepts, but I am far from being an expert.<snip>

 

This is narcissistic personality disorder in a nutshell, where the rights and choices of others are subjugated to your personal desires. This is no amazing intellectual rationale, just the showcase of your success at cuckolding her boyfriend, and two-timing your wife. Congratulations. Nice work.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Artdeco]

This is narcissistic personality disorder in a nutshell, where the rights and choices of others are subjugated to your personal desires. This is no amazing intellectual rationale, just the showcase of your success at cuckolding her boyfriend, and two-timing your wife. Congratulations. Nice work.

 

Meh, I disagree. The NPD word is way overused and has become such a layman's term. OP is just a bad decision-maker.

 

I also disagree with the bolded - OP doesn't even control much of the sitch here. His GF/AP is in full control, and he plays along willingly. Hey, and that's just fine. To each their own.

 

Even though he says the situation stresses him out, it has been going on for a long time, so apparently it hasn't gotten BAD enough. My guess is that it'll stay this way until the GF calls the whole thing off. And if SHE doesn't, they'll be in an affair until one of their spouses calls it off. End of story. It's sad, because if it's true that this is such a great connection that both of them have never experienced before, sexually, emotionally, mentally - then I personally would try to turn it into something real. Why throw it away? She isn't even married yet.

[Turning point]

The NPD word is way overused and has become such a layman's term. OP is just a bad decision-maker.

 

The fact that you don't find it stylish speaks nothing to it's accuracy.

 

His reflections about his wife are cold and objectifying. He describes her as the perfect accessory.

 

His girlfriend's no prize, but he's pretty much an empty suit when it comes to character. He's old enough to understand stewardship, yet he f** an employee whose young enough to be his daughter. Divorce and a lawsuit at the same time - hope he likes a challenge.

[ManMar]

The fact that you don't find it stylish speaks nothing to it's accuracy.

 

His reflections about his wife are cold and objectifying. He describes her as the perfect accessory.

 

His girlfriend's no prize, but he's pretty much an empty suit when it comes to character. He's old enough to understand stewardship, yet he f** an employee whose young enough to be his daughter. Divorce and a lawsuit at the same time - hope he likes a challenge.

 

OMG, I have to look up so high on the moral ground of your posts that my neck hurts!

 

Anyway, I feel your pain, maybe directing your anger to some stranger on the internet is therapeutic... go ahead, we all need to heal of something. I will simply ignore you. Have fun.

[ManMar]

Hello again, ManMar, I just wanted to weigh in on your most recent comments.

 

Since you already know your business will be OK based on your country's laws, I will not advise you to seek out a lawyer so that you can discuss your options were a worst-case scenario to happen in the near future. Perhaps you could get legal advice, if you haven't already, on what your options would be if you need to terminate her employment as a means of implementing no contact.<snip>

 

Hi Vivir, thanks for taking the time. I have read your comment with attention.

 

My plan is to have our last encounter today. She is traveling tomorrow to the city where they are going to get married, together with her BF and some family members. The situation is getting more surreal by the day, as the weeding gets closer and it evolves from an idea to an actual event. I am starting to feel sick about all this.

 

I'm not having a conversation with her again on the need for breaking up. Everything has been said. It all comes down now to execution. I am reducing personal communication to the minimum.

 

In terms of visualization, I dont anticipate any outrageous change of behavior from now till early June, when she returns from the honeymoon. Emotionally she is quite balanced. I think a last minute cancellation is very unlikely, I also dont see a wedding day breakdown, neither on her side nor in mine.

 

I cant draw a decision tree like the one you suggest! it would have too many branches. One step at time. Now- focus on stopping any more encounters and limit communication. Let she how she reacts, but I think short term she will take the opportunity to focus on her wedding, in every sense.

 

I am more concerned longer term. From what I gather, it is not like people can switch off their minds from their APs easily. There is a high risk of relapse as we have to talk every day, and it is not that neither of us has shown strong willpower. We have to avoid falling back into the A! Fortunately, I work from a different city most of the time, I only visit the main office every two weeks; our work contact is more texting and emails than phone conversations. I can limit the traveling together to zero if necessary. That should help.

 

I have no plans on firing her. I will look for a consensual way out if the situation becomes toxic. I believe it is a bit early for thinking about this too much. We will see.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ManMar]

Meh, I disagree. The NPD word is way overused and has become such a layman's term. OP is just a bad decision-maker. I also disagree with the bolded - OP doesn't even control much of the sitch here. His GF/AP is in full control, and he plays along willingly. Hey, and that's just fine. To each their own.<snip>

 

Hi, thanks for the comment.

 

I sort of agree with your view, except that I now think a lot of our connection is due to overextended limerence. I used to think it could have evolved into something more solid, I am now much more skeptical.

 

I think the best course is for me to do anything in my hand to recoup my wife and for her to marry that guy. Not sure how we will manage the interaction between us (the OW and me), most likely it is unmanageable and we have to part ways.

 

I do think this romance has been very real, but it will be history.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ManMar]

We have been together the last two nights.

 

As always, the chemistry is just unbelievable.

 

Difference this time, the moment I am alone, I start getting sick of the whole situation very quickly.... the morning after the first day I felt seriously uncomfortable with myself.. but we got again together, damm addiction.

 

On top of that, yesterday she sent me a message of "I love you so much.... I need we get away together, really disappear from the world".... and just today, I got the wedding invitation from the company organizing the event!!

 

...the invitation has pictures of her and her BF, on trips around the word, looking happy ... (amazing, we were texting during most of those trips!)..., looking at it something has clicked on my mind.... a big WTF am I doing!!

 

She probably has some feelings, but surely not enough, if you are really in love with one guy, you don't marry another.

 

What is she thinking? to keep us as a side playground to her marriage? to "disappear from the world" every now and then? what kind of proposition is that?

 

I feel I am getting played. Big time. I feel used.

 

Am I risking irreparable damage on my life for this girl??? Enough!

 

I have decided to stop this nonsense completely and look for a way for her to leave the company. My challenge now is to do this as smoothly as possible.

 

(another interesting development: my wife got the invitation and is attending the wedding with me and my other business partner with his wife... this is surreal)

[Orokotikki]

Real classy.

There's a special place for such special people, I don't doubt.

[Starswillshine]

You will actually attend the wedding? In what world is that a good idea? And you talk ill of her, but people in glass houses shouldnt throw stones... you are no better than she is.

 

I feel sorry for the innocent parties here. I understand you and your wife have a non-traditional sex life. But in all those cases, you had mutual knowledge and agreement to have sex with others. This comes with a certain amount of trust and respect. However, going behind her back and engaging in NSA sex breaks those bonds. I wouldnt shrug off your previous infidelities so quickly.

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be moralistic or sarcastic when I say this but I cannot understand why you are so upset with her actions. You are in the exact same situation, maybe even worse because you already have a marriage and wife is great but somehow you feel betrayed at being put in a box and only being brought out for play. Isn't that in a sense what you are already doing?

 

 

Like I say I'm not trying to preach I simply don't see much if any difference in behaviour between the 2 of you.