Abetterme Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Its simple why, you dont nor have you ever truly believed that he loved you. This is insecurities for sure. But you know what? it's a good thing. Why? Because you are trying to rationalize your involvement, right now your telling yourself its because it was an amazing connection. But since you've come here we've seen the needle move. Soon I believe you will realize that it wasn't an amazing connection with him, but the freedom, the having something all of your own. In short the excitement. This also explains your reluctance to be honest with your husband, again I dont believe you were ever planning or wanting to leave. @Dkt3 - This post really resonated with me as I’ve found myself doing some of what @naivewoman does, but I find less so all the time. I realize it was a sham. We never talked much about our spouses, and there was no bad talk especially, but I think back to things I told him about he made me feel, etc that were total BS so I know a lot of that had to be happening on his end...and you know, I don’t care anymore! I think you need to give yourself some credit @naivewoman in how you’re making progress. Your xMM showed up, not just texts or emails, but actually in person multiple times and you’ve been strong and not entertained getting back in. It really is all about you finding ways to make yourself happy. Not xMM, not even your husband. I continue to draw from a lot of the wise posters @DKT3 references. My focus is my husband. My xMM reached out on my birthday and for the first time I was able to really see the fake-ness for what it is. Something he is doing to make himself feel good, not me. It felt like a small step in a much larger journey. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Naive and others, I don't know if this will help, but something I can see clearly about my affair, looking back: I projected everything I needed and wanted at that time onto xAP. Thus I made him into the perfect man for me. My H couldn't compete with that...no one could. I conveniently ignored the "bad" or "wrong" things because they didn't fit into the vision I had of him, of us, of our being "soulmates." I think recognizing this fact was an important step for me, because I recognized I was drinking the Affair Kool Aid in a way. Like DKT3 said, it's like a mindf(@& but once I saw that's what was happening, I could start making changes in my outlook. Hope this helps... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 @DKT3 yes yes yes!!! After reading all these posts and threads and the experience and knowledge from all of you. I do belive that I enjoyed the escape. I made this man out to be the perfect illusion of what I have always wanted while burning my husband who would give me one of his organs to keep me alive. I am embarrassed, disappointed in my lack of judgement. I claim to be an intelligent women this was an unbelievable uneducated move on my part. But the reality is without this affair I never would have looked within myself to see how ungrateful I was with my husband. I needed to learn the hard way. I have been to several counseling sessions to really reflect what was causing me so much unhappiness. My dad cheated and walked away from his family when we were in our teens. At the time, and growing up I didnt think it affected me at all. I couldn't wait for him to leave and I never spoke to him again. Maybe the children needed some counseling at the time but i believe now this had something to do with it. My MM reminded me alot of my father. He has alot of similar qualities. I married the perfect man and saw every single flaw of his and kept building walls to get to a man that's simply wasnt worthy.. I know I made a bad decision but I also know I never would have grown either from this experience. You guys have truly been amazing. Today, was a good day for me. I sang all the way home. Starting to feel like myself a little. I have been lost for a few years. It's a long way back home but this is where I WANT to be!!!! I do have a good life and this journey has made me see this. I have alot of work to do to build up my marriage and my husband does have to make some changes. He must grow too and not continue to treat this marriage as a business partnership. I need to give love to receive love and I'm ready for it the honest way. One day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Dear Naivewomen, It looks as if you have turned the corner and moving forward in a positive way. Actually, I proud of you. I do believe you have one more task. You should come clean with your husband to start building a trustworthy future. Good Luck, Dreamer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 @dreamer I may have to do just that to release the heavy burden I carry. I need to get myself to a better place first. I am still traumatized and dealing with my emotions. I have come along way in the last few months. I really thought I couldnt live without MM. Well I'm still breathing. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Lov3foo1 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 @naivewomen, can I ask how you have the resolve to stay married? I’ve been reading some of your posts and I’m very curious. I too was in an EA, but my husband found out about it, we’ve done our share of MC and now we’re separated. H and I have two kids together (ages 7 and 4). I am emotionally completely detached to my husband, I really do believe I have completely fell out of love with him (my body tenses up when he does small gestures like putting a hand on my shoulder). From reading your posts it seems you’re also not in love with your husband anymore. So what is it that’s making you want to stay married? My husband is also a good man (not flawless, but who is? Tbh I doubt I can ever find a better man). I guess for me I had started emotionally checking out of my marriage months before my affair, just that with the affair it really accelerated my distance from my H, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 NW, I found your thread and I've read through it. You got some horrible advice from that councilor to wait and see what happens!! Geez what a quack. Do you want to heal from this and become a safe partner for either your BH or for a future relationship? I believe true healing will only be possible once you tell your BH about the affair. This will allow you to see how you really feel about him as you work through the fallout. As of now, you are in some kind of self-imposed limbo, and you can't know if your feelings (or lack thereof) are real or being tainted by the rationalization fog, and the fact you are subconsciously holding out for OM. What do you have to lose? You feel your marriage is ending anyway and is obviously not sustainable the way it is. Take a chance and put everything on the table. Surprisingly, most marriages recover from an affair. This would also be a time of huge personal growth for you, especially if you find a competent IC that can guide you through the process of identifying the issues that allowed you to become a WW. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 op, everyone heals from an affair in their own way. Look back to when you first started posting here. Do you feel like you've come a long way? Even if you don't plan on ever giving it to your husband, have you tried writing a journal for him about the affair, how it happened, what you did together and why it ended and you feelings? Sometimes, writing it all out can be really helpful. Even if you never give him the journal and throw it away or delete it as soon as you're done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 Hi, thank you for all of your posts to me. It has been sometime with my mental state of mind. What I know now at this time: I have zero interest with the MM. I see him for who he is now. I believe he got in over his head and just couldn't or wouldn't let me go until I said ENOUGH. With that awareness, I realise its certainly not love. I would never again fall into a situation like this. Now for my marriage, I find myself still avoiding my husband. I am still struggling with the reconciliation as my emotions are still so numb. I read somewhere that this last process after denail, acceptance, letting go and so on can take months. So I am giving myself sometime to adjust from the mental trauma. If my marriage survives it will be a blessing. Most of this is on me with the exception of the reasons why I was so vulnerable to another man's moves on me. In the past, when I was happy I was able to maintain self control for years in fact. I never strayed. I was always a bit naive but guarded my marriage. I am trying to figure out why my self esteem was so low to have caved to words and etc. One day at a time. I have been feeling alot better. I have exhausted myself to know that it's time to focus on my happiness now. Link to post Share on other sites
dupedforreal123 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 So as I stated before I thing MOW and I work together- she has had it in her mind that she wants to remain friends. I decided over the weekend this probably shouldn’t happen. She came in my office this morning to ask how my weekend was. I just said coldly. “It was a weekend”. Should I feel bad about this? Did I do the right thing ya think? I was kinda of a ***k about it but I think she got the point. I still feel bad about doing it. Should I? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 So as I stated before I thing MOW and I work together- she has had it in her mind that she wants to remain friends. Dumpers often want to remain friends as they are often no longer emotionally attached, so just being friends is not an issue for them. They get the advantage of of the friendship, the companionship, yet do not have the burden of the relationship... Forget the passive aggression it makes you look weak. Tell her you would prefer to keep things strictly professional from now on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 Not sure what MM is doing now!! He has been reappearing in our usual spot recently. I'm cordial and hes cordial. We dont speak of restarting anything. Not sure how this is helping either one of us. A setback to say the very least. I maintained no contact for 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Unsurprising to say the least. Are you going to help him sharpen the knife with which to stab his wife in the back (again) or move on and find a single man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 I'm married! Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Don't go there anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 So why are you going to your usual spot? Why are you talking to him at all? Are you hoping he will open the door to restarting the affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 I'm married! OK, so sharpening each others knives then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 @Naive - Run! You know exactly what he is doing. Stay away from these spots and remain NC. You have so many posts about how hurtful this situation has been for you the last 6 months. I suggest you go back and read every one. Do you think he gives a crap? No...and he’s ready to hurt you all over again. Keep your head up and your focus on your family. He isn’t worth a second more of your time! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 There are consequences to our actions, and ending visits to your "usual spot" may be one of them. Is it fair? Maybe not, but you are the one who had an affair and you need to accept the consequences of your actions. I once met xMM at a restaurant near our current home almost ten years ago, a place my H and I used to go. My H refused to go there after d-day. Do I complain about it? No. Do I ask H to go there? No. It is a consequence, it is what it is. And being cordial? No need. So what if he thinks you're rude. If you're now choosing to respect your marriage, there is no need to be "cordial." Do not care what he thinks of you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 He may appear back in your line of sight, it doesn’t mean that you have to sleep with him. Everything in life is about choices... Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 op, take a deep breath. this doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be. You have come such a long way, don't fall back now. Go to your bathroom mirror, look your reflection straight in the eye and tell yourself You are better than this! Whatever his issues he might have are his to work out on his own. You can not help him. He can not help you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 How is this new? You've been talking to him since December and he's been turning up since since January. You've already referred to it in other threads. You didn't shut him down so obviously he thinks you're open to still meeting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 I will not reopen this door. I have come along way into healing. I had hit rock bottom and picked myself up from this nightmare. I have to go to that location. I stop there every am before work for 6 years. He only came their to see me. He knows the small window of time that I am there. He has no business being there. I am taking a deep breath as suggested. @amethyst. He called me in December from a foreign number and caught me off guard. The conversation was light. He admitted calling to just hear my voice and tell me he misses me. Then nothing until he showed up twice in January and now again on Wednesday. He catches me off guard. I'm not looking for him or calling him. He knew my marriage was failing as his was thriving. Selfishly he wanted to see my marriage collapse because of him and then he would have run for the hills. Hes a piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 How is this new? You've been talking to him since December and he's been turning up since since January. You've already referred to it in other threads. You didn't shut him down so obviously he thinks you're open to still meeting! op, take a deep breath. this doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be. You have come such a long way, don't fall back now. Go to your bathroom mirror, look your reflection straight in the eye and tell yourself You are better than this! Whatever his issues he might have are his to work out on his own. You can not help him. He can not help you. Thank you!! I wont let him shatter me again!! No way!!! Hes very manipulative!! I'm onto him now. Eyes wide open. Had plenty of time to see his true colors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I have to go to that location. I stop there every am before work for 6 years. Why? .......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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