DKT3 Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 I don't want to t/j that other thread so I jumped over to yours. I would love for you to go back and read some of the MW posters here. What you will find in almost all of them is your story. They start of where you are now. Oh I love him he loves me we are so special together. To most of us it sounds silly, like some high school girls stuff. Then as time goes by and with distance you will start to hear, if he really loved me why would he have done this or that. With some distance you starr to see what's obvious to those of us on the outside see. Love is an action not a package of pretty words or some ego filling bs. Lastly you will hear, I was such a fool. Here is the thing. people in marriage do in fact fall in love with other people, both men and women. Love is an action so you usually see it play out quickly. Affairs that go on for years is likely two people playing at love, but really it's just selfishness and cake eating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 @Dkt3 I agree with you. I'm not justifying the affair as love. But I did open my heart mind body and soul to another. I can live with the fact that it was pure escape and fantasy. Wish I knew about this thread prior to the affair and all of the experiences and withdrawals from one. It was time for growth for me. I was extremely complacent in my marriage and I realize that committed love is the best type to honor and cherish. Some people are never lucky in love. I am grateful for this thread and for all of everyone's knowledge belive me. I am upset at how weak and tempted I was. I hope for forgiveness from the higher power!! I belive good people can make bad choices and I do belive that I am in that category. DKT3 believe me you are helping me because I have tried endlessly to fight my own emotions. The reality is I'm drained and tired. I am sure this will never happen again!!! No more married men for me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 How do you expect to repair a marriage who's very existence is based on a foundation of trust by being deceptive? How can you expect to have a strong, loving, trusting relationship when you are only in it part time, because your focused too much on someone that wants to destroy all of that? There is a huge imbalance of how you and your husband each value your relationship. You have to be honest with the only man that has a covenant with you. This man still believes in your morality and incorruptness, he still thinks your minding the store when he's not there to do it himself. I have not read your entire thread and I very rarely post on the OM/OW threads for triggering reasons. What I can tell you is keeping secrets this destructive from the man that has handed over his heart to you will end poorly for you, him, your children and your family. There is only one right way to fix this and you don't need us to tell you that. Finding easy ways to take the boredom out of your life is what got you into this mess, not doing the work that is required to make this right will be just as destructive. Commit yourself, your all in or set him free to find his own happiness. There is no room for deception in a successful marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Missedmistress Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) If I can offer perspective @naivewoman, there are many similarities between your situation and mine so hope you know this is not coming from a place of judgment. Tell your husband, it’s the only act of love you can really show him right now. Don’t hide the details if he asks, let it all out and you will see, you’ll be free again. It might not end the way you think. What I’d say from experience the truth ALWAYS comes out and looking at my AP getting sledgehammered after he got caught vs my honest confession with my husband led us where I am today, reconciling. AP and wife might reconcile too but not after seeing the absolute worst in each other, so much hurt (lies, gaslighting, name calling) and you won’t be able to control any of it. Also, and I believe you loved AP once maybe you still do, I don’t know, and that he loved you too, despite what we people say on here. The only way he can really prove his love to you is if he goes full NC and never contacts you again. Acts of love. That was the biggest act of love my AP gave me, all else were words. My two cents, good luck! Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 op, only you can decide whether or not you want to be honest with your spouse. One thing to keep in mind is that , if he does find out on his own or from someone else, there is every chance your marriage will be over. Not only that, it will have ended in a really bad way. It's not difficult to understand why. While you may have had lots of time to make your peace with what you have done, your husband won't have had that. It will be all fresh and new, and when he looks at you, he's not going to see a woman who loved him enough to stay with him, he's going to see a women who cared so little that she not only cheated, she lied for all that time. Right now, you have a golden window so to speak. You can choose to stay on your current path or you can choose to come clean with your husband and try and move forward together instead of separately with only having full knowledge of where you stand. Both have their advantages, and I can understand how it can feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. You know your husband...what do you think he would feel is the right thing for you to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 @missedmistress. I am waiting for my feelings for the MM to suppress. I want to fully be over him and how he made me.feel so that I can honestly reopen my heart and commit to my husband 100% of me. Without a subtle thought of another man. I am getting better each day but still far from.100%. My husband can never and would never forgive me. He is a narrow minded thinker. He only can see things a certain way and there is absolutely no room to see it differently. My marriage would ultimately sever. I look at many posts from betrayed spouses on these threads and none of them have moved past anything. They will hold resentment for their wives for all eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I was reading another thread and saw your MM had resurfaced. I have a couple of questions if you don't mind answering. Did you answer? Why wasn't he blocked on all avenues of communication if you were truly trying to go NC and recommit to your marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Yes he has resurfaced! He phone me a few.weeks back just to see how I was doing and to.tell me that he is still thinking about me. We did not mention anything about restarting affair. We ended it cordially. Then these past two weeks he has appeared to say hi in person for less than 5 minutes each time. He claimed he just wanted to see me. We are both trying to do the right thing now for our families. We understand how terrible our decisions were. There is a deep connection and he must be struggling with the end of it. I'm not sure how this helps him or not. But I have been completely NC and will not reach out ever again. I will not say that it's easy at all but it's just the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 @missedmistress. I am waiting for my feelings for the MM to suppress. I want to fully be over him and how he made me.feel so that I can honestly reopen my heart and commit to my husband 100% of me. Without a subtle thought of another man. I am getting better each day but still far from.100%. My husband can never and would never forgive me. He is a narrow minded thinker. He only can see things a certain way and there is absolutely no room to see it differently. My marriage would ultimately sever. I look at many posts from betrayed spouses on these threads and none of them have moved past anything. They will hold resentment for their wives for all eternity. Knowing your marriage would ultimately sever wasn't enough to stop you? They don't hold resentment for eternity, they just never forget the betrayal. There are many that reconcile after infidelity, it requires a lot of work and being honest. Not one betrayed spouse will ever forget what their spouse did to them even though they have forgiven them. Your relationship is forever changed by your actions. Bullsh*t responses about waiting until your over your affair partner before you get serious about trying to fix this says a lot about you. You can end this anytime you want, the choice was always yours. If he finds out about your infidelity on his own like I did, the chances of your relationship surviving are almost none. You are really good at making bad choices. I can only tell you what didn't work with me in hopes you don't make the same selfish mistakes my now ex made. Lies including lies by omission are at the top of my list. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 @missedmistress. I am waiting for my feelings for the MM to suppress. I want to fully be over him and how he made me.feel so that I can honestly reopen my heart and commit to my husband 100% of me. Without a subtle thought of another man. I am getting better each day but still far from.100%. My husband can never and would never forgive me. He is a narrow minded thinker. He only can see things a certain way and there is absolutely no room to see it differently. My marriage would ultimately sever. I look at many posts from betrayed spouses on these threads and none of them have moved past anything. They will hold resentment for their wives for all eternity. It is also obvious that the majority of wayward spouses haven't gotten over their OM either if you notice. There is no way to be 100% for your husband without telling him the truth. Suppose it takes you years to get over this man which I see happening. Is your husband supposed to put his life on hold for you? Haven't you already stole enough of his life? BTW, I am neither a betrayed spouse or a wayward spouse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I have another couple of questions or at least things I wish you would think honestly about. You say you want to recommit to your husband only when your completely over the MM. How do you expect to ever get over him when you spend so much of your time thinking of him, defending him and your affair? You have entered into discussions here looking for validations from other MM as if that can prove that your MM did indeed love you, as if that makes a difference to you betraying your vows to your husband. Similarly you have gotten into discussion/argument about MM complementarizing affairs, again about the emotional aspect of your affair. My main question is WHY? If you're NC (although I suspect that is no longer the case, my apologies if I'm wrong) then why all this time and mental every spent looking for external validation that he did love you, that it was genuine on both sides. For NC to work it needsYou need to retain to be mental as well as physical. You need to retain your brain, when you start to think of him immediately redirect your brain to someone or something else. You'll never succeed constantly dwelling on the past! Edited January 21, 2019 by Amethyst68 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Is there a chance your husband must also have had an affair at least at some point? You mentioned that you didn’t have sex with him while you’re having your affair. So your husband was fine not having sex for a few years? I think you should brace yourself for this potentially bigger blow to your ego. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) op, You sound like an intelligent woman, but you sure are going through some mental gymnastics to rationalize your actions. I don't think you even realize how much you're doing this. I'm also somewhat troubled by your statement that " I look at many posts from betrayed spouses on these threads and none of them have moved past anything. They will hold resentment for their wives for all eternity". First, I don't think it's resentment as much as a deep wound that has left a hefty scar. It's only to be expected that will remain, and it's pretty disingenuous for someone who engaged in behvaior that helps to cause that sort of wound to be annoyed that it still bothers the person they hurt. I get the impression form your words that you really do understand that, but your head is really mixed up right now. In the end, the ones who have to live with the fallout of your choices are you and your husband. I will make you a proposal. Spend some time thinking about how you feel about your spouse. Do you really love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you willing to face what you've done and accept complete responsibility for it - that means not blaming the om or your husband and put the work in to make changes in yourself? If your answer is " yes", then what do you think you need to do to have a marriage where you are both happy and feel fulfilled? I say "you" because , unless you let your husband know what you have done, it will most likely be you who will be doing the heavy lifting on your own. After all, he can't be expected to work on a problem he doesn't even know exists. Some people can do this all on their own, but others become resentful in time. Do you think you can work on your marriage without your husband knowing about your affair, or do you think you might start to build that resentment over time? If your answer is "no, I don't feel like my marriage is salvageable", then what steps do you need to take to end it with as little emotional damage to your husband or yourself? If your answer is " I don't know", fair enough. The question then becomes how will you go about trying to sort out your feelings,and how long do you feel it's acceptable to expect your husband to wait, not knowing there is a knife hanging over his head? Every day you wait is taking another day from him being able to find a woman who really does want to be with him. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 @missedmistress. I am waiting for my feelings for the MM to suppress. I want to fully be over him and how he made me.feel so that I can honestly reopen my heart and commit to my husband 100% of me. Without a subtle thought of another man. OK all very "noble", but how long do you think this will all take? It could take literally years. You are stalling. You do not want to let go, you still think it may all work out and he will pick you... By going back to your husband you likely feel it would be "cheating" on your MM... Meanwhile your MM is not burdened with such worries, he was a cake eater and was sleeping with both of you... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Knowing your marriage would ultimately sever wasn't enough to stop you? They don't hold resentment for eternity, they just never forget the betrayal. There are many that reconcile after infidelity, it requires a lot of work and being honest. Not one betrayed spouse will ever forget what their spouse did to them even though they have forgiven them. Your relationship is forever changed by your actions. Bullsh*t responses about waiting until your over your affair partner before you get serious about trying to fix this says a lot about you. You can end this anytime you want, the choice was always yours. You are really good at making bad choices. Amen! Another who thinks you are totally stalling, trying to escape from having to take responsibility for your decisions and avoiding the hard decisions about your marriage. You contradict yourself constantly in this, and other posts. In this discussion, you are trying to recommit to your husband and move on from your affair partner... While in other discussions, you are literally arguing with other posters, trying to convince them that your affair partner loved you and the relationship meant something special. Which is it - do you want to be in love with your affair partner or your husband... because, staying in a marriage when you are in love with another man is not fair to your husband. You say that he would leave you if he found out about your affair and I would argue - rightfully so. Many may say that it would be a very reasonable and appropriate decision for him to make. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
overtherainbow1 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Holy cow you guys...I'm still on page 1. This is great stuff. I'm sad and happy to read everything. It's so hard for people to get these kinds of things out there and I'm just happy there is this virtual world where we can do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Your MM HAS to love you, else what exactly are you? What have you been doing for the last few years... That is the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Missedmistress Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Amen! You say that he would leave you if he found out about your affair and I would argue - rightfully so. Many may say that it would be a very reasonable and appropriate decision for him to make. Yes, this. But @naivewomen, you don’t know what he would do but that is a decision for him to make. Take it from someone who took the leap and told the truth about her eA/PA with my husband’s good friend of 30 yrs! I didn’t only destroy our marriage but a huge part of his life, don’t even know why he stayed. I fully expected him to leave me but he didn’t and only because I came clean on my own. You don’t know until you know but it’s the only way to make things right and the path to your healing. I can’t even imagine living with this secret let alone knowing MMs BS is fully aware. How do you know she won’t discover another AP and blow everything up to fully destroy him? It could happen tomorrow or in 10 years, the thing is, you’ll never know it’s coming. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) That's the thing about disclosing an affair. It becomes an elephant in the room. For the sake of argument, let's say it's a male WS who has ended the A and hasn't told his wife. He feels there are issues in the marriage, but since he doesn't want to disclose his A, he either works on them alone or talks to his wife about them. She suggests counseling. He agrees, and the subject of infidelity comes up. Will he continue to lie? That's the thing about dishonesty. One lie, told over time, becomes many lies. Should his wife find out, she would be well within her rights to question everything he has ever said to her, as if he's lied about this for so long, what else has he lied about? OP, if you decide to keep your affair under wraps, please make sure you do so because it's the right thing to do, not just because it's the easiest thing to do. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I can’t even imagine living with this secret let alone knowing MMs BS is fully aware. How do you know she won’t discover another AP and blow everything up to fully destroy him? It could happen tomorrow or in 10 years, the thing is, you’ll never know it’s coming. Exactly like living on top of a time bomb - never knowing when it will go off and blow you to smithereens... Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I am a BS (not the OP's obviously). I found out on my own. We are reconciling. (This did not come about until all the divorce paperwork was filled out by me and ready to go, and a couple of divorce mediation appointments). Trusting her is so much harder because she did not confess and ask forgiveness, but instead was discovered. I often wish she would have, and envy the betrayed spouses who got that. If there is to be a marriage after an affair. it can be held together by truth or lies. One is stronger. It would be so much easier to build trust with that first step. At least I knew before we started counseling, can you imagine my fury if she had me 'working on me' in MC and THEN i found out about the A? Not only we would we be divorced, the whole town would know why, and anyone she got with for a couple of years I'd bet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 So I just read your post from 2 days ago where you admit you've been in contact with your MM since December. What happened to recommitting to your marriage and reconnecting to your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 22, 2019 Author Share Posted January 22, 2019 @amethyst mm contacted me from a foreign number and kept the conversation short and sweet. He was fishing but I didnt give into it. Then he showed up where I her breakfast in the mornings. I have not contacted him since August. Not sure what hes doing but we just said hello and that's it. Nothing has happened nor has discussing of affair happened at all. Link to post Share on other sites
dupedforreal123 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) <snip> So what I'm saying is you can't have a good and satisfying marriage all by yourself. I hope you truly are in love with your husband and will be faithful going forward. And if your spouse refuses to look at their half of the marriage then what? When you try to make changes and the other does not you become a door mat of sorts? Edited January 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Good grief, of course not. I've posted repeatedly on different threads - if your marriage isn't working DIVORCE. That is exactly what I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts