This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[TooBad]

I guess not, because it seems your definition is the same as coexisting.

 

I do believe you are mistaking my believe for what I believe other people can believe, sir.

[elaine567]

He was caught several times in a years span. He came back to me everytime. Most MM never even give the women closure. They run and never look back when they are outed. They fear the loss of their lives. We still maintained the affair for a solid year.

If he has been outed several times, then surely his wife knows about you, no?

[Naivewomen]

@elaine567 yes she believes that her husband had an emotional affair with me. She has no idea about the phsycial part. She asked him to detach from me. As time went on he did emotionally start to detach but continued to pisire at the sametime. He is still showing up but I realize it's too just string me along indefinitely. While he maintains a normal healthy marriage he figures if he makes an appearance every once in a while she will have a tough time moving on. It's actually working in reverse and it's exactly what I needed to close this chapter of my life.

[elaine567]

@elaine567 yes she believes that her husband had an emotional affair with me. She has no idea about the phsycial part.

 

I get not telling your husband.

It is fine for us to sit here and say "Tell him, tell him, tell him..." when it is not us or our family that will have to suffer the fall out, but if his wife is aware, then who knows when she could spill the beans.

All it could take is a big fight, your MM admits he slept with you/is in love with you/is thinking of you... she then contacts your husband to put an end to it...

 

I am not trying to scare you into confessing, but the fact of the matter is that this house of cards could fall at any time.

[Naivewomen]

@elaine567 I appreciate what you are saying but I believe in my heart that at the time which was a year ago he told her all the things he needed improved. She has done a complete 360 and he realizes her efforts. Hes happy there and just like me trying to close this chapter as well but has setbacks. They have a great friendship and he never fights with her. His situation is stronger than mine. I need to focus on my marriage now and pray it gets stronger everyday.

[elaine567]

@elaine567 I appreciate what you are saying but I believe in my heart that at the time which was a year ago he told her all the things he needed improved. She has done a complete 360 and he realizes her efforts. Hes happy there and just like me trying to close this chapter as well but has setbacks. They have a great friendship and he never fights with her. His situation is stronger than mine. I need to focus on my marriage now and pray it gets stronger everyday.

 

My God, he is a piece of work, he was cheating with you, yet managed to turn it all around to it all being her fault... so much so she did a 360 degree turn around and now HE is happy.... whoop di doo!

[Naivewomen]

Hes a great manipulator!!! Now he just misses the sex with me. The same cheating script just a different day. He kept his distance for months and now slowly sniffing around again. This obviously is not love. This is a broken man wanting his ego stroked. Thank God for these threads. I never would have opened my eyes and I would have lost my family and etc. I am lucky for a second chance but I will have to work extremely hard to get it all back before it can even be improved.

[pepperbird]

This is me being picky but it's something I feel strongly about...and affair is not a mistake. It is a choice. At any time we could've stopped things but we didn't, it was our choice. A poor choice, a terrible choice, a hurtful choice...but a choice, not a mistake. Again, sorry if I'm being picky, but I feel that when I see someone say "mistake" it usually means they haven't taken full responsibility for their actions.

 

I am glad to see some introspection from posters here. I think one of the hardest things to get past for MOW is the mental gymnastics done to make their choices okay. Once we are past the "I did this because of H or whatever" and move onto the "I did this because of me and my issues," the true healing can start. But it is not an easy step to take, to take full responsibility for our choices and the pain they cause. It means accepting being the bad guy, accepting that one caused pain to others. It is an important step forward.

 

 

It's not pickiness. Its' both the truth and paradoxically, very empowering.

 

 

A person who made a "mistake", " caved into pressure" or is a "victim" of the " it just happeneds" gives away their power. A person who takes responsibility opens up a whole world of possibilities for change, whether that's fixing their marriage or finding a new path in life.

[DKT3]

I believe she is living up to her screen name in thinking that this guy can control his wife. I could possibly see this working if she didn't know...she does and you are now attempting to build a life on her not getting upset and contacting your husband.

 

Few years back there was a MW here that had an affair it ended and years passed. Like in your situation, his wife knew. She suspected he had restarted the affair and she contacted her husband. Problem was it was a different woman he was having an affair with.

 

These things are much more fragile than you think. I promise you something else, more people know. I was amazed at how many people knew and told me after we divorced.

 

Just understand, all you really control is how your husband finds out. Either you tell or there is a very good chance he will find out from someone else. ONS or several go unnoticed affairs rarely do. Also, with the length of your affair and corresponding behavior there is a very good chance your husband already knows or at the very least strongly suspects.

[Naivewomen]

@pepper bird. I take full ownership for my choices. I regained my power and strength to ward of MM's wrath. I take ownership and focused on fixing my marriage. Their is no valid reason why I did this to my husband. I am fully aware. I needed to change not him. I learned through this experience and as I conti he to heal I hope to help others down the road with their efforts for full recovery.

[Amethyst68]

You've mentioned your MM and his wife have a great friendship but you've also stated that your husband is not your friend. I mentioned it in my earlier post which you've not replied to.

 

What do you think will sustain your marriage in the future? You've already lost your physical and emotional desire and link to him. If you manage get it back (even partially) what's going to stop this happening again the next time another 'friend' comes along who provided those elements of friendship your convinced your husband can't provide?

[pepperbird]

@pepper bird. I take full ownership for my choices. I regained my power and strength to ward of MM's wrath. I take ownership and focused on fixing my marriage. Their is no valid reason why I did this to my husband. I am fully aware. I needed to change not him. I learned through this experience and as I conti he to heal I hope to help others down the road with their efforts for full recovery.

 

 

This is all good news. You've begun to take responsibility for your actions, and that will put you in the driver's seat.

 

I know it can be hard to reach that point, but good on you for being able to do so. Do you have any idea what your next steps will be?

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 she did want to call my husband and me when she found out. The reason she didn't was A, he promised her he would stop communicating with me. B, he does control her (he wont even let her get a job because he fears someone trying to seduce his wife. She stays very much locked in a box in her house and shes very happy there. He tried controlling me so I can just imagine with his sweet manipulative words he using hes fully in control. And lastly, he owns his own business and his reputation would be tarnsished if she blew the whistle. Trust me. I'm sure of it. She also thinks this is behind her well over a year now. He has covered all angles continuing with this affair and when he was with me his guilt was over all his face. My husband suspects something I'm sure as I am completely a different women to him. It's my job now to release the guilt I have and reconnect somehow. It's far from easy but I am trying. He is afraid to let me back in his heart as I have hurt him so much.

[Naivewomen]

You've mentioned your MM and his wife have a great friendship but you've also stated that your husband is not your friend. I mentioned it in my earlier post which you've not replied to.

 

What do you think will sustain your marriage in the future? You've already lost your physical and emotional desire and link to him. If you manage get it back (even partially) what's going to stop this happening again the next time another 'friend' comes along who provided those elements of friendship your convinced your husband can't provide?

Hi I do want to go back on these threads as I am sure I missed a few that I want to comment on. My first goal is becoming his friend. I told him this. I need the emotional support of a friendship first. For whatever reason, as years went on raising kids keeping house we lost the fun element. I want and so desire to have fun with him again. I believe it will be an important step to see if the marriage can be reconciled and the spark reignited. We need to start dating again and etc. Like we r starting over completely. A fresh slate so to speak.

[DKT3]

I think maybe you should spend more time reading here and similar sites. You will find confident people in high numbers. Only to have their spouses find out years later when they thought "all angles were covered "

 

It's a house of cards that depends on other people not talking. The thing is, you cant possibly cover all the bases because you have no idea of who all knows.

[Naivewomen]

@Dkt3 I am not sure what type of people you know but why would others intentionally try to ruin the lives of others. Why would anyone meddle in peoples lives. People really should mind their own business and never throw stones. I would never interfere in someone else's life unless there were some serious events unfolding.

[DKT3]

Hi I do want to go back on these threads as I am sure I missed a few that I want to comment on. My first goal is becoming his friend. I told him this. I need the emotional support of a friendship first. For whatever reason, as years went on raising kids keeping house we lost the fun element. I want and so desire to have fun with him again. I believe it will be an important step to see if the marriage can be reconciled and the spark reignited. We need to start dating again and etc. Like we r starting over completely. A fresh slate so to speak.

 

Fresh slate? Not possible with your current mindset.

 

Have to ask, why do you think this is wise without being honest? I'm guessing that you suspect your husband would walk leaving you as the bad guy. It's fairly clear you dont love him and your respect seems to be minimal at best. What exactly are you trying to save or get back to?

[DKT3]

@Dkt3 I am not sure what type of people you know but why would others intentionally try to ruin the lives of others. Why would anyone meddle in peoples lives. People really should mind their own business and never throw stones. I would never interfere in someone else's life unless there were some serious events unfolding.

 

I will tell you what happened with us. My wife was very careful with her affair partner, so much so that she would have no contact with me in town. They had no phone contact other than a few minutes on the landline. Thier met ups were all out of town.

 

Yet, one of my friends spotted them together some 200 miles from home. This was a catalyst for her to finally end it for good. She was unsure if the friends saw her.

 

They did. After we divorced, that friend told me he knew and the information caused him great discomfort as he wanted to tell but didn't want to get involved.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 there is no doubt in my mind that if I was honest he would definitely walk away. He would never understand how weak and vulnerable I was for the other man. Yes, I did fall out of love and yes it was disrespectful.

But isnt this exactly what ur wife did to you. You managed to remarry. She managed to fall back in love with you. Why is my situation any different. We need time apart that's

Has already been granted. He lives under the same roof and I am not happy with the disconnect feeling. I so desperately want to rengage and redesire him. I think back to before the affair I was always phsycially attracted to him. The emotional component was weak. He never made me feel so desired and etc. A women loves to hear she looks beautiful and etc. He does need that a marriage takes lots of work. He needs to improve as well.

[Amethyst68]

Oh I'm not talking about the fun element, I believe the phrase you used was intellectual capability to be a friend and that you always had to go to your family.

 

I remembered the phrasing because it seemed so insulting and superior. I'm not sure how you meant it but it was that aspect I was referring to, if a new man comes along offering this type of friendship and he's not encumbered by a partner, then what?

[Naivewomen]

That was bad phrasing on my part. What I was trying to say is when I would tell him a story or what not he always found something negative in it. Like if I did something put of my way for another person instead of saying that was a nice gesture he woukd say things why woukd u do that for xyz . Never positive feedback.

[DKT3]

Not exactly what my wife did.

 

Her behavior was weird but she never mistreated me. In fact during her affair her overall attitude toward me improved. She never disconnected from me and says except for the very start knew she wanted to stay married.

 

Even with that I divorced her, she spent years pursuing me while I dated a few and slept with a bunch.

 

I don't see you capable of being able. Maybe I'm wrong, but when one is trying to control someone for personal gain it doesn't usually work. I asked you before how you see yourself as different or better then MM and you didn't answer. You are doing to your husband what he did to you. Do you believe you deserve more then him having a choice as to what kind of woman he wants to spend his life with, do you believe he is undeserving of a loving wife? One committed to him? Who desires sex with him? you are none of those things and willing to steal more of his life on a chance that you might someday get there, does this all sound fair to you? Should you be making that unilateral decision?

[Naivewomen]

Sounds to be your wife was enjoying being a cake eater. That's why it didnt sit well with you and you divorced and had ur revenge with other women. But you love her and that's why you gave her another chance. I am different than MM because I wasnt looking for side piece fun. I gave him my heart and I couldn't be with two people at the sametime. My husband was weak too he saw the signs and never pulled me from the abyss I was falling into daily. He saw the disconnect and etc and chose to bury his head in the sand. There was no motivation for me to save my marriage. He gave up on US so easily. Therefore I felt it was over and continued falling deeper and deeper for the other. I was lost.. I felt like I deserved the crumbs and I accepted them because if my poor choice. But somewhere deep I knew what true committed love was because I had it for so long. I missed the committed love and knew this affair was primarily based on lust and passion and nothing more. Little by little as I continued enduring pain, i woke up and realized MM made me 99% unhappy now. He was no longer fulfilling me as i remembered what i missed from my husband. A full committed partner that would be there for me no matter what and i for him. That's the love i need again. I know it's in there as I have spent 27 years with my spouse. It cant be all thrown away. My husband deserves 100% of me. I am committed to seeing if I can give him this and we can make a fair assessment as time goes on. At least I will know that I tried minus my affair partner. I needed to get my head out of the fog. It was a deep fog and I'm not sure why I fell for any of it.

[stillafool]

Sounds to be your wife was enjoying being a cake eater. That's why it didnt sit well with you and you divorced and had ur revenge with other women. But you love her and that's why you gave her another chance. <SNIP>

 

I think that after you realized that MM really loves his wife and would be there for her no matter what you became jealous of that love and then again wanted that type of commitment from your own husband. If MM had wanted to divorce his wife and be with you, you'd be gone. To somehow blame your husband for not pulling you out of the affair abyss, which he knew nothing about, and to say he was no longer fulfilling you, which he knew nothing about, is just not fair. If you felt all of those things you would have sat down with your husband and had a talk rather than fall into another man's arms. You are not taking responsibility for the destruction of your marriage but are blaming your husband. Until you come to your husband with the truth of what you have done to his life over this affair time you will not be happy in this marriage. BTW, the majority of people who get involved in affairs don't go looking for it.

Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

Yeah this doesn't sound good.

 

At one moment you say I accept responsibility then the next you totally blame your husband for every thing.

 

I have seen MW come in here and have a good mindset for this journey, I dont see this in you. I see someone scared. Lost what you wanted in MM now you fear losing your backup. Being alone isnt so bad, but nothing your saying leads me to believe you will be successful in your marriage. 27 year or not.

 

Now at best you can coexist with your husband but it will never be a marriage until you give up trying to control him, trying to make him be the problem. Its clear you are the biggest enemy of your marriage.

 

Again I say your husband deserves better, were he here telling his side I'm pretty confident that the masses would be screaming RUN from this woman as fast as you can.

 

Sad you say you have no motivation for your marriage...so what are you doing?

 

Maybe it's just wishful thinking that you came out of a fog, because honestly there isnt much logic or linear thinking in your posts. Maybe (hopefully) your just not communicating your message well.