This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[dupedforreal123]

<snip> Men and women operate very differently. I cheated. I am paying heavily believe me. Havent been able to be intimate still with my spouse because I want it to be genuine. I want to carry zero feelings for other before I dare to share myself again with my spouse. I need to refeel...

 

Not true - women do as well. My ExAP continued to be intimate with her husband. I chose not to because I honestly thought I would be living a lie with AP if I chose to still be intimate with my wife. I honestly thought she was my soulmate and I wasn’t going to betray that trust. We honestly have the same story unfortunately.

Edited January 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[dupedforreal123]

@DKT3 I disagree with that statement. I met my husband in a club in Cancun. It was all about passion and desire. I had much passion and desire for him. What we lacked was a friendship. We were not friends first. He was never my go too person. I chose my sister or my mom first. Always!! He lacked the intelligence of being a true companion. That's what was missing in my marriage. A true friend ship. MM came alone. We became very good friends never flirted nothing. I admired the strength and power of the friendship. That's what lured me. I was genuinely his friend. I even became friends with his wife. We crossed the lines and we shouldn't have. I still miss him as my friend. I could have told him anything without judgement. I respect his marriage now. I want no part of that love triangle and I know I lost him as a friend. I realize men dont want to be friends with a female.

 

@naivewomen This exactly describes my relationship with my wife. My mom was always my go to person because she never judged me. Neither did my AP - she was truly my best friend. I miss that the most.

[Naivewomen]

@dupedforreal. We do have the same story. Mm was my best friend. Grrr!! I was so open and honest about everything along the way. I even told him how this was destroying my marriage. His fear and his guilt was making his marriage stronger believe it or not. His bond at home was stronger ours is NOT. Scary stuff. No winners here!! He displays a happy life per social media. I was just as duped. That's what hurts the most!!! I believed!

[dupedforreal123]

@dupedforreal. We do have the same story. Mm was my best friend. Grrr!! I was so open and honest about everything along the way. I even told him how this was destroying my marriage. His fear and his guilt was making his marriage stronger believe it or not. His bond at home was stronger ours is NOT. Scary stuff. No winners here!! He displays a happy life per social media. I was just as duped. That's what hurts the most!!! I believed!

 

And how are you moving forward with XOM. Are you happy for him? Resentful? Anger? And husband - how are moving forward with that? For me it’s like you want to say and do the right things but just seems so foreign and awkward. Like an awkward silence.

[DKT3]

I'm about as pro reconciliation as they come, I know if both make the commitment that you can build or rebuild a strong union.

 

Honestly, I cant see that happening with you and your husband. I really dont get the sense that you care even a little about him at this point.

 

You made the comments about caring about someone you would be happy for them to be happy. Yet it doesn't appear that you care at all about your husband being happy. You cant possibly believe he is happy in your marriage, but you wont give him the information he needs to make the decision that will ultimately lead to him finding a woman who will view him in a better light then you do, a woman who would see him as her best friend and not someone who is only there because you cant have the one you want.

 

I also think there is a very good chance your husband maybe having his own affair, I mean with no sex and all, not many men will stay faithful.

 

May be time to start looking at pulling the plug, as you said no one is winning, kids being the biggest losers. Better to be from a broken home with no love then to live in one.

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. Ofcourse I am happy for him. I never wanted to be the person to wreck his family. I am happy hes happy. Yes my marriage is foreign and awkward to me as well. I dont think its repairable at this point. I invested too heavily in the other man. It's my own doing. I dont feel committed to my partner and he is well aware of it. We are both just trying to keep stability in the home for the sake of the children and finances at the moment. My husband knows hes free to find happiness elsewhere as I can not give him what he deserves. I fell out of love and I dont see it coming back. I will not pretend either it's not how I roll. He deserves much better than what I can give him. I have told him this...

[stillafool]

And if your spouse refuses to look at their half of the marriage then what? When you try to make changes and the other does not you become a door mat of sorts?

 

Then it's time to divorce.

[stillafool]

@duped for real. Ofcourse I am happy for him. I never wanted to be the person to wreck his family. I am happy hes happy. Yes my marriage is foreign and awkward to me as well. I dont think its repairable at this point. I invested too heavily in the other man. It's my own doing. I dont feel committed to my partner and he is well aware of it. We are both just trying to keep stability in the home for the sake of the children and finances at the moment. My husband knows hes free to find happiness elsewhere as I can not give him what he deserves. I fell out of love and I dont see it coming back. I will not pretend either it's not how I roll. He deserves much better than what I can give him. I have told him this...

 

So what do you want from LoveShack? What advice do you need?

[DKT3]

Naive woman you are completely missing the point. You are telling your husband that things are missing in your marriage, but things weren't missing prior to your affair, you've said as much, you've stated that the affair ruined your marriage. Does your husband know that? if not, why not?

 

Give him the information he needs, you also stated he would walk if he knew, so tell him and let him walk if you truly care about his happiness.

[Naivewomen]

@still a fool. I guess advice on how to heal for the mental trauma. I am so disappointed in myself for breaking morals and a bond in my marriage. I dont deserve the happiness I'm looking for. I want peace within myself.

[DKT3]

You do deserve happiness, the problem is you've put yourself in a situation that will require you to walk through pain to get there. Also, pain on all those close to you.

 

Happiness is on the other side, the quicker you get honest the shorter the journey.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Naivewomen,

 

You’ve stated that your husband can leave if he desires because you don’t believe you can be the wife he deserves because of your love to the OM. It is not your husband that is unhappy; it is YOU. It is you who should leave the marriage because of your unhappiness. You should give your husband the respect of revealing the entire truth and file for divorce. Then you can pursue your own happiness. This is just my opinion.

 

Dreamer

[stillafool]

@still a fool. I guess advice on how to heal for the mental trauma. I am so disappointed in myself for breaking morals and a bond in my marriage. I dont deserve the happiness I'm looking for. I want peace within myself.

 

You may not realize it but carrying this deceit around is making you sick. You will find yourself when you tell your husband the truth, set him free and file for divorce. Then your life will begin it's new chapter. As long as you are living with a man you don't love while loving someone else's husband you can expect the mental trauma to just get worse.

[Naivewomen]

@dreamer yes it's me that is unhappy and I will never up and leave my children. Not sure what your suggesting here. He cant be too happy because we r completely living as room mates but will continue to keep it semi normal for our children's sake. My H is not interested with finding another nor is he interested in much of anything. He is very aware that I am not happy. We r trying to keep things together until.our children our grown. It's a sacrifice of both of our happiness for the sake of our children. My oldest has asked us both to keep it together until he goes to college. He doesnt want to leave his home that he is comfortable in. He understands if we cant make the marriage survive. My children are aware as we have discussed it with them. Mommy and daddy will keep it together for as long as we can. I have offered MC and have been told no three times. I will no longer ask him to help try and reconnect he doesn't claim any responsibility for my unhappiness. That's not too fair either.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Naivewomen,

 

Do you think it's a good idea to enter into MC with the secret you have kept from your husband for many years? I agree with you that your husband is too complacent and leaving a void in your life. I also believe a marriage can start to heal where is complete honesty. Your husband must also share the responsibility to help steer the marriage to a positive outcome.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Bittersweetie]

Naive...are you doing counseling for yourself?

 

One of the main things I learned about myself in the aftermath of my affair and d-day was that I expected my happiness to come from other people. I thought it was my husband's job to make me happy, and when he wasn't doing it, I looked for happiness in another man.

 

The only person responsible for my happiness is me. NO ONE ELSE. I learned that other people can enhance my happiness. I learned that I should not and will not pursue my own happiness at the expense of someone else's.

 

I reframed many past experiences and current situations in a healthier way and found myself in a better place.

 

And finally I also focused more on the things I had in my life, rather than the things I didn't have.

 

All of these choices (and more) helped me walk a healthier, more authentic path toward happiness. Was it overnight? No. Was it easy? Heck no. But the time and the effort were so, so worth it.

 

You can walk toward your own happiness right now, today. But you are choosing to not to go on that path. You are focused on your AP. On your H "not claiming responsibility for your happiness" (spoiler: that's not his job).

 

Your actions don't have start as big, life-changing steps. Start with small steps, like talking to a therapist. Reading books about self-esteem and happiness (I also found books on Buddhism helpful, and learning about focusing on the present). Keep a journal of gratitude.

 

You are stuck, but you can get out. Use your energy though in a positive way, focusing on yourself and your growth, rather than escaping to the unending whys and romantic fantasies of your xAP. Maybe as you learn more about yourself and grow, the situation with your H will become more clear.

 

But stop being defeatist and assume there is nothing you can do, and you deserve your own unhappiness. That is bull, the words of a dramatic teenager. Take the reins and make better choices for yourself.

[DKT3]

^^^^this

 

I think most of her efforts are convincing us that MM was/is in love with her, by extension trying to convince herself. I believe that is why she is stuck. In the big picture his loving her or not is irrelevant his choice is to stay married and end the affair.

 

Letting go there is a good starting point.

[Dreamer2017]

Bittersweet has written a very good post and I concur. We are only responsible for our own actions and reactions and we are responsible for our own happiness.

[Naivewomen]

@Dtk3 and bittersweet.

Thank you both for the above. Yes, I am stuck and hiding from reality. I am grateful for so much. I put my sadness on the back burner when it comes to my kids and etc. I am truly grateful for so much. I am honestly grateful that my husband would be open to a reconciliation if I was ready. I am trying to take baby steps. I no longer have the urgency to reach out to MM. I no longer have a pshycial desire for him either. I am just trying to put these past events somewhere deep in my heart. My grieving is taking way longer than even I expected. I knew the outcome all along so I am not shocked by it. I have joined yoga and did buy self esteem books. I start yoga on Friday and really looking forward to escaping into my own mental mind and figuring me out. When I pull through this I will be a stronger and healthier version of me. Just have alot of work ahead. I will do it!! Thank you both!!

[stillafool]

@dreamer yes it's me that is unhappy and I will never up and leave my children. Not sure what your suggesting here. He cant be too happy because we r completely living as room mates but will continue to keep it semi normal for our children's sake. My H is not interested with finding another nor is he interested in much of anything. He is very aware that I am not happy. We r trying to keep things together until.our children our grown. It's a sacrifice of both of our happiness for the sake of our children. My oldest has asked us both to keep it together until he goes to college. He doesnt want to leave his home that he is comfortable in. He understands if we cant make the marriage survive. My children are aware as we have discussed it with them. Mommy and daddy will keep it together for as long as we can. I have offered MC and have been told no three times. I will no longer ask him to help try and reconnect he doesn't claim any responsibility for my unhappiness. That's not too fair either.

 

I'm certain no one here is suggesting that you leave your children. Nor your husband for that matter. Divorce does not mean leaving your children it means no longer living together with your spouse and children. It's always interesting to me when wayward spouses say they must stay for the kids. If that were really the case they wouldn't risk their kids security by entering an affair in the first place. That is one of the surest ways for your kids happy family.

[Naivewomen]

@still a fool. Belive me when I was entering into the affair I was already in a daze about it. A complete fog. I never thought it would go further than a kiss honestly. Which seemed harmless. We (MM and i) avoided the temptation for a solid year. We kept talking about how unethical and etc it was. Then said mayne just once to get it out of our system. It escalated like a major addiction. Children were not on the forefront at those moments. I knew my kids were safe and etc. It just got deeper and deeper into I couldnt find my way out. I was literally drowning. In constant pain it was not very fulfilling at all!!! Unless u have experienced it it's not fair to judge.

[stillafool]

@still a fool. Belive me when I was entering into the affair I was already in a daze about it. A complete fog. I never thought it would go further than a kiss honestly. Which seemed harmless. We (MM and i) avoided the temptation for a solid year. We kept talking about how unethical and etc it was. Then said mayne just once to get it out of our system. It escalated like a major addiction. Children were not on the forefront at those moments. I knew my kids were safe and etc. It just got deeper and deeper into I couldnt find my way out. I was literally drowning. In constant pain it was not very fulfilling at all!!! Unless u have experienced it it's not fair to judge.

 

I wasn't saying your kids weren't safe while you were out having your affair. I am saying by entering an affair in the first place was putting your kids security in jeopardy because the affair can break up the marriage and therefore your kids happy home. So it just seems odd to me when a wayward spouse says they won't divorce because they do not want to ruin the kids lives. Isn't that what the affair is doing?

[Bittersweetie]

@east dean. How long was your affair? Did u fall in love with her?

 

Naive, I've seen a few posts from you like the above, inquiring about OMs and whether they loved their APs. May I ask why you are asking these questions if your goal is to move forward and heal? I know it seems if you can just understand things from an OM POV it will help you understand your OM...but is it truly a positive outlet for your mental energy? Is it helping you focus on yourself and your growth?

 

Trying to find an answer about your AP isn't going to make the pain go away, or make it go away any faster. Focusing on other OMs, and by proxy on your OM, is only going to make the pain linger. Ask me how I know...I've been there.

[Naivewomen]

@bittersweet I'm not sure why I'm doing this. I dont think its helping my healing at all. Actually I'm sure it's just me continuing to wallow in the pain. Its self soothing in a way. I know it's not the right process. I will take it from ur experience that it not!! I have never experienced something so traumatic to me. Its unbelievable really.

[DKT3]

Its simple why, you dont nor have you ever truly believed that he loved you. This is insecurities for sure.

 

But you know what? it's a good thing. Why? Because you are trying to rationalize your involvement, right now your telling yourself its because it was an amazing connection. But since you've come here we've seen the needle move. Soon I believe you will realize that it wasn't an amazing connection with him, but the freedom, the having something all of your own. In short the excitement.

 

This also explains your reluctance to be honest with your husband, again I dont believe you were ever planning or wanting to leave.

 

I dont think women so fresh from affairs truly understand the mindf^^k it is. Listen to the ones that have been through it, Bittersweet, Lovin(my wife) and the countless others, read thier stories and journey. You are on the path, I told you weeks ago how this would likely play out and so far your on the path.