This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[oldtruck]

This is looking at the situation from a male's perspective. For women, sex without an emotional connection is hollow. If the OP can rebuild that emotional connection through spending time with her husband, doing things they both enjoy and in a sens e"finding" the man she fell in love with and married, then the physical intimacy will be truly bonding.

 

 

Otherwise, she may well just end up feeling far worse.

 

It is called faking it till you make it.

 

A tactic suggest in therapy when their is a "dead bed" in a marriage

after an affair is just to schedule to have sex every night at a set time

and they must follow that schedule for so many months (I don't

remember how many) and what happens is the H and W forget about

their being a schedule or that the end date has passed and they

still keep going at it because the want to.

 

The healing and bonding that sex provides is very potent. Highly

effective.

[DKT3]

Of course Aloha men lose attraction for women and dont have any sexual desire for them. I didn't have sex with my wife for 14 months prior to getting divorced despite her trying almost daily. No interest and I wasn't cheating. However, that was my choice, just as it was your husband's choice. Men who are rejected constantly like naive womans husband to the point were they stop asking is very likely having sex with someone else.

 

My point is not really about sex, it's about being genuine. Naive woman is not being genuine in her effort to reconnect with her husband. I dont even think she is intentionally being disingenuous, but its the same affect. She is asking her husband to fight a battle were he doesn't know the enemy, she is looking for emotional intamatcy while building a brick wall that will prevent it and somewhat expecting her husband to break it down as she builds it. Its extremely selfish and unfair on her part, but just like her affair she has rationalized it and created justifications so to her it makes sense.

 

Until she changes and makes herself vulnerable, opens up and trust her husband to accept her for who she really is her efforts are just more wayward selfishness. words not actions.

[Bittersweetie]

In my many years on this site, I've found that the posts that piss me off the most are the ones hitting a nerve I need to examine. Maybe I'm not ready to examine that nerve and decide to move on...or maybe I let the anger fade and then think, okay, why did this REALLY piss me off? None of us like others (especially strangers) pointing out our shortcomings, but in this case, where we made choices that were hurtful and selfish, and we come to a site for help in working through those choices, it's part of the path toward healing and growth. Frankly I have learned a lot from BS on this site, in regards to what my husband may be going through, and also in regards to consequences of my actions that I may not have initially realized.

[Naivewomen]

@Amethyst

Once my affair began, I started to notice all the things that were lacking in my marriage. I was content and I guess happy. But once, i saw the way another made me feel and how alive, attractive and etc. The MM made me feel, I realized that I was missing so much. My H never reached out while I was at work ever to say hello and ask how my day was going. I would come home and begin my second job. I handle everything in the home. He would be laying on the couch while job 2 began for me. I started to resent the fact that he didnt make me feel appreciated. Of course, I couldnt discuss this with him in the early stages because like I told my IC I had no idea what was off. I started to focus all my attention on MM and completely stopped noticing all that I was truly grateful for. I almost had to go through this tremendous amount of drama in my life for me to grow as a person. I was always self centered in the marriage. It was my way of the highway. My H had very poor treatment and I had wished he would somehow stand up for himself and say enough is enough. The longer he had his head buried the more i justified the affair. I see so much now that it has come full circle but i also lost alot. I lost the bond we shared. Had I never tasted the forbidden fruit I would have continued plugging away and etc. The deep intense feelings I had for the MM were intoxicating and I felt trapped. I felt brainwashed for some reason (cant really explain it). Mm was very controlling and I admired it (until I didn't). Mm and I were too alike. I ended things because i became 100% unhappy with both situations. I wanted to be set free from both lives. I was a mess but I knew I had to take a deep hard look at myself and go through the pain I caused myself. Upon going through this process and still mentally healing I have come to realize I have been with my H for 27 years. Hes a good man lacking somethings to make me feel safe and secure. It is my turn to make him happy now because to receive love you have to give love. H deserves major effort on my part. He has to know that I gave it my all with no side piece true feeling and if we are not meant to be then hopefully we can be beat friends. Something I never felt we were before and something I require and will work on. I am not about the sex at all. I want the companionship. The romantic novel or fantasy hopefully can follow.

[elaine567]

I am not about the sex at all. I want the companionship. The romantic novel or fantasy hopefully can follow.

But what about your husband?

Is companionship and a romantic novel fantasy what he really wants?

Or would he just prefer the sex instead?

[DKT3]

Do you think that your current desire for this relationship is mutual or is this more my way or the highway stuff?

[JuneL]

Haven’t read the whole thread. But do you think it’s realistic to take what you got from the OM (before he dumped you) as a reference point of what’s missing from your husband? You were in dopamine high with OM’s love bombing. It’s actually cheap talk and doesn’t sustain in a healthy long-term relationship.

[Naivewomen]

@old truck this is exactly what my therapist suggested. She said fake it until you make it. I did loose complete sexual desire because of the affair. I did loose complete attraction. We havent had sex because of my lack of desire. He doesnt push the envelope either because I have rejected him for so long. Hes afraid of further rejection. I truly hope it comes back to some degree.

[Naivewomen]

@Junel. Mm didnt dump me. He would have kept me as his piece for eternity. He has made recent attempts to see if I would be willing. I will never go back. It's not real and I know it.

 

@DKT3 my husband desire our marriage. He wants to remain a unit until death do us part. I do not want to go back to the marriage the way it was. It has to start over.

[BaileyB]

Haven’t read the whole thread. But do you think it’s realistic to take what you got from the OM (before he dumped you) as a reference point of what’s missing from your husband? You were in dopamine high with OM’s love bombing. It’s actually cheap talk and doesn’t sustain in a healthy long-term relationship.

 

Oh gosh no. Talk about unrealistic expectations.

 

Further, the comment that the romance novel or fantasy hopefully can follow...

 

It’s apples and oranages. It just doesn’t happen that way.

[BaileyB]

She is asking her husband to fight a battle were he doesn't know the enemy, she is looking for emotional intamatcy while building a brick wall that will prevent it and somewhat expecting her husband to break it down as she builds it. Its extremely selfish and unfair on her part.

 

This is a good analogy. What you have done and what you are expecting seems very unrealistic and unfair to your husband.

[JuneL]

@Junel. Mm didnt dump me. He would have kept me as his piece for eternity. He has made recent attempts to see if I would be willing. I will never go back. It's not real and I know it.

 

@DKT3 my husband desire our marriage. He wants to remain a unit until death do us part. I do not want to go back to the marriage the way it was. It has to start over.

 

Then replace “before he dumped you” with “before you knew for a fact he only wanted you as a side piece”. You still haven’t answered my question. So you want your husband to sweet talk you and puts another woman on a higher priority?

[Naivewomen]

But what about your husband?

Is companionship and a romantic novel fantasy what he really wants?

Or would he just prefer the sex instead?

 

 

I have spoken to my H about the intimacy aspect. I have told him that without the emotional bond their is no connection for me. We have to work harder on the companionship aspect. We should be each others sounding board and etc. H doesnt have any friends. He is very introverted and could simply be alone for hours, days and months. I'm a people person. I love to be around happy loving people all the time. I keep my extended family very close. Always looked for my family as my support system. I never went to H for advice and etc. Its something I have to work on to draw him closer to me, otherwise i will never feel the emotional pull.

[JuneL]

I have spoken to my H about the intimacy aspect. I have told him that without the emotional bond their is no connection for me. We have to work harder on the companionship aspect. We should be each others sounding board and etc. H doesnt have any friends. He is very introverted and could simply be alone for hours, days and months. I'm a people person. I love to be around happy loving people all the time. I keep my extended family very close. Always looked for my family as my support system. I never went to H for advice and etc. Its something I have to work on to draw him closer to me, otherwise i will never feel the emotional pull.

 

If you have so many issues, I think you should just get a divorce.

[Naivewomen]

@Junel. Some of it is realistic. A women NEEDS to feel desired, wanted and appreciated from her spouse. H was very comfortable in the marriage and didnt feel like he had to do much of anything to keep it alive. We stopped laughing together many years ago. It felt more like a business partnership of raising two children together. Their was no romance just quick sex. Their was no love making just quick sex. Their was no words of affirmation and attention. Their was a lack of many things. If my marriage felt stronger I should have been able to maintain my boundaries. Mm made me feel special and all that love bombing crap that I now know isnt real love. I had to go through that process in order for me too see what true love is all about.

[Naivewomen]

@ DKT3. The hardest part for me is the lack of attraction now that I feel for H. I lost interest with him sexually because I have lost attraction. All the other stuff is not terrible and definitely workable. How do I fix my desire for him?? This is the question I need an answer too.

 

I was highly attracted to MM, I know its shallow but it's the truth. Because of my attraction and connection. I lost it for H. Wasnt always the case in the beginning though. It got much worse as my feelings deepened for AP.

[FMW]

NW, how long do you plan on holding on to your marriage if nothing changes? Anything is possible, but I don't think it's very likely you will regain attraction and desire given everything you've written. It seems to me you just want to hold on to what's safe and secure.

[Naivewomen]

Not too long. I'm not afraid of being alone. I fear for my children and for my H. I am the one who is trying to hold the fort down for the sake of all of them. I do value keeping us intact. My children are thriving and are happy. I am fulfilled seeing them happy. My H and I do not argue and are living well under the same roof. We r planning a family vacation this summer that we are all looking forward too. I do not want to ruin their lives any further. I am not sad or depressed either. I am trying to make everyone happy now including myself.

[Amethyst68]

You keep ignoring all references to the fact you expect your BH to fight this battle for his marriage when you are not on equal footing. You say you want your marriage but he thinks you are both approaching this from the same start point but had no idea he is fighting the ghost of your MM.

 

I'm sorry but IMO it's a battle he's destined to lose because no matter how you feel about MM now you're still idealizing the feelings from the start of the affair, but how much of that was due to the heightened excitement, the sheer forbidden and illicit draw of the affair.

 

Why won't you tell him? Are you afraid of losing him or your current lifestyle?

[JuneL]

@Junel. Some of it is realistic. A women NEEDS to feel desired, wanted and appreciated from her spouse. H was very comfortable in the marriage and didnt feel like he had to do much of anything to keep it alive. We stopped laughing together many years ago. It felt more like a business partnership of raising two children together. Their was no romance just quick sex. Their was no love making just quick sex. Their was no words of affirmation and attention. Their was a lack of many things. If my marriage felt stronger I should have been able to maintain my boundaries. Mm made me feel special and all that love bombing crap that I now know isnt real love. I had to go through that process in order for me too see what true love is all about.

 

Well maybe your husband has lost attraction to you as well. What have you done to make him feel needed and wanted?

[Naivewomen]

@Junel. I am sure he has I dont blame him either. I threw H a surprise birthday party last week. I am trying to reestablish our connection. I am being more present with him. We need to start dating. Our children are older and we have more freedom now. We can start doing more as a couple. I have told him this as well. I need to start communicating better. I always would lash out and never speak in a loving way. I definitely didnt not know how to communicate my feelings ever!! I am more in touch with my emotional side now because of the affair.

[Naivewomen]

@Amethyst it will destroy him. He would rather know that we just grew apart then to hear that his wife had an extramarital affair and fell in love. I cant hurt him this way. If we really grew apart I will know outside of the illicit affair. I will not continue to subject him to a loveless marriage anymore without me putting my best efforts forward first. He deserves my love and affection and as the months and distance of NC I see with my eyes wide open what I lost! I ruined a good marriage for a belief that their was a better match for me. It certainly requires more IC on my part. I am meeting with a new therapist next month.

[Aloha123]

NW, would you and/or you H ever be open to doing some sort of couples retreat or therapy. From the way it has been explained to me, though that will never create a sexual bond that was never there, it can definitely rekindle one that used to be there. So in that way, there is more hope for resuscitating your marriage (or at least your sex life) than for mine.

I also 100% relate to the affair making it hard to feel passionate for your H in comparison to the mm. As I recall, your situation is similar to mine in that your mm is much sexier, more attractive, more charismatic than your H ever was! I get that. I also get that in theory the comparison is not fair, but boy can it cause havoc to your attempts to get those feelings back for your H.

[Aloha123]

I also get the not having the guts to tell your H. I'm right there with you, and I'm not sure I ever will either.

 

I think what people may be reacting to negatively is that it's probably not realistic for you, and also a losing battle, to expect your marriage to improve while there is that elephant in the room. That as long as you don't tell, you may have to resign yourself to having a crappy marriage. Also, I do agree at least theoretically that our not telling is fundamentally not fair to our husbands, even if it means the end of the marriage.

[BaileyB]

Naivewoman, I don’t disagree that the emotional connection and the feeling of being loved and desired by your partner is very important to a woman. But, based on what you have described, you sound like very different people. You sound very incompatible. As such, I’m afraid you will be sadly disappointed when he simply can’t be what you want him to be for you. You just can’t squeeze blood from a stone.