This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[mincrafter]

I most certainly WILL!! I dont deserve his love for this I'm certain.

 

On another post you said that you aren't going to tell you H because you think it will crush him to know that you had an A and fell in love with another man. But here you say you are going to give him a choice to choose? How are you going to reconcile these two contradictory statement? Or will it be a choice you give him based on lies that you never had an A and actively abused and denied him for a long long time?

[Zona]

I think the fake it till you make it approach may be best. In fact, I think the over reliance on "feelings" is part of wayward thinking. Where did your "feelings" get you? It got you tangled up with a liar who messed up your life. Love can be a verb, an action, and often feelings follow actions. If you do something charitable (soup kitchen, helping homeless, giving something to a needy child), think about the rush of positive feelings and energy you get.

Men feel intimacy during sex, especially if they feel desired because it feeds their ego and makes them feel like more of a man. Having sex may make him feel better, which in turn could have a positive effect on your relationship and intimacy level, which in turn could make you feel more connected with him.

[elaine567]

Having sex may make him feel better, which in turn could have a positive effect on your relationship and intimacy level,

which in turn could make you feel more connected with him.

I guess it is the last "could" that is the big problem and is why the OP is stalling somewhat.

[DKT3]

The real problem is Naive isnt interested in her husband or thier marriage. She wants MM but he doesn't want a legitimate relationship with her.

 

I believe until she gets genuine it's just staying married to a man she doesn't want because its easier. Which really says alot about the respect level for her husband.

 

She is not going to confess because she knows he will bolt. Which is what's best for him.

 

Question, I dont expect an answer because you ng tend to avoid tougher questions. What would your marriage look like if MM had wanted to start a real relationship with you? Having read your other posts its clear you ended the affair because he wouldn't leave his wife. That says you would have had no problem leaving your marriage. So why not leave regardless?

[Zona]

Feelings can be illegitimate. Feelings are based on how you perceive things, not necessarily on reality. If you change how you view things and learn to have empathy for other people, and to be less selfish, your feelings will change. That is why IC is so important for most waywards if they really want to improve their lives. Having affairs rarely makes your life better, and we hear all the time about the hell they go through because of their sh*tty behavior (endless lying, deceptions, gas-lighting, you-name-it) and decisions.

[Amethyst68]

What do you tell your husband the reason is for the lack of intimacy and sex? How much blame do you put on him? Is he now striving to improve your marriage under the misunderstanding that your actions are somehow due to him?

 

 

I saw your post in another thread today saying you are still pining completely for the MM. It didn't reflect the growth you talk about here. I'm not sure the fog has lifted but that you're just feeling resentment that MM won't leave his wife for you.

[Naivewomen]

On another post you said that you aren't going to tell you H because you think it will crush him to know that you had an A and fell in love with another man. But here you say you are going to give him a choice to choose? How are you going to reconcile these two contradictory statement? Or will it be a choice you give him based on lies that you never had an A and actively abused and denied him for a long long time?

 

I am saying that I have told my H tjat we have been disconnected and grew apart for a longtime now. I asked my H for a separation last year. He asked if we can live under the same roof doe the sake if the children. I told him if he wanted an open marriage that we could try that because he deserves someone to love him and show him affection. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he denied me three times. So I go alone.

We both agreed that we need to live under the same roof for a few years until our children are off to college and try and work on companionship. Something we lacked forever. So he has choices. If he wants to meet people I wont stop him if WE can make it together WE will. It's not rocket science!!

[Naivewomen]

@DTK3 I might leave my marriage

We are living like roommates for years now. I DO NOT want MM but I do know what was wrong in my marriage now. What we are both lacking. I am sure of that now. I had no idea why I even cheated but after the affair I am able to truly assess what failed in my marriage. I claim 50% but the other 50% is on H. He stopped being a H. He became more like a child I had to raise. I did loose interest!!! If it ends that's what is meant to be if we can keep this together and form a stronger partnership it will be. I have no idea at this time. Do I feel like I'm in love with H, No!! I do not!! Can I be kinder and less abusive to him by not being silent absolutely. I isolated myself from my world probably out of guilt.

[Aloha123]

Can I be kinder and less abusive to him by not being silent absolutely. I isolated myself from my world probably out of guilt.

 

That's an interesting point. I isolated myself from my family in part because I became so obsessed with the mm that I lost interest in my "mundane" reality, but I too also shut down because of immense guilt, fear of being caught by "slipping up", and because i honestly have a hard time even looking my husband in the eyes by this point.

[DKT3]

My wife lived like that as well, and then she made a mistake during an argument and all my questions were answered in that second. She tried to backtrack but it was too late.

 

Interestingly enough it was after she ended her affair when we grew distant, shame guilt and fear of slipping up caused her to withdraw. In my mind her walking away would have been a gift. But she stayed, lied and still got caught.

[Naivewomen]

@Aloha!! Exactly what I did!! I couldn't look at my husband in the eyes. It became the new norm lasted that way for 2 years. My husband let it slide. Figured I was disappointed in him for whatever reason and we continued growing further apart fueling my desire and NEED to keep obsessing over married man. I was happy with the crumbs because my life was such a disaster. I do feel less weight on my shoulders and less isolated from my family. I was never afraid of slipping up but I felt like I was no longer myself. I stooped having people over and etc. My home was always filled with love and laughter now its silent. I ruined alot. I hurt a really great man. At this point, I do feel like I should never be happy again. I ruined my vows, my husbands trust, and the intimacy portion of it (well I'm now mortified I experienced another)!! Our marriage needs work and until I can get past the numb emotions I can try to fix my wrongs. The percentage of MW that fully recover from an affair are very slim (especially undisclosed affairs). Their marriages seem to fail because many rewrite marital history and it's really hard to go back too. Men dont do this!! They continue on with the comforts of their families. What a bizarre gender difference!

[Naivewomen]

@DTK3 If she walked away you may not have reconciled. It happened the way it was meant to be!! You are both happy again together and its probably stronger than before. At least she fessed up! Shs could have continued lying but she chose being honest and you forgave her. It's a good ending too a devastating ordeal!! Shes lucky to have u!

[DKT3]

We divorced and stayed apart for roughly 5 years

[DKT3]

Naive, we have a strong relationship now because after spending the better part of 3 decades together she finally made the decision to allow me to meet and fall for the real her. Now she shares her thoughts with me, scary at times, hurtful at times and sometimes just confusing but always genuine.

 

I understand how being vulnerable can work, sure its risky, what if you show your husband who you really are and he rejects you or is disgusted. But what if he doesn't.

[Poppy47]

DKT3 I think we have to respect that we all have our own stories and experiences.

 

Your wife just screwed up and then was very sorry and wanted you back and realized what she had lost. That's great.

 

Not all situations are the same.

 

There is absolutely no justification for affairs, I've said it repeatedly in numerous posts. But an affair doesn't erase the reality that just maybe the marriage wasn't that great. I'm talking about awareness, not justification.

 

DKT uses terms as "most women" all the time. He paints with a big brush and misses that everyone has that story.

Not everyone is like him.

 

Poppy.

[elaine567]

The percentage of MW that fully recover from an affair are very slim (especially undisclosed affairs). Their marriages seem to fail because many rewrite marital history and it's really hard to go back too. Men dont do this!! They continue on with the comforts of their families. What a bizarre gender difference!

 

Seems to me many women seek out OMs when their marriage is bad, or their marriage is not living up to her expectations, or when she feels she can do better. She is fundamentally looking for a replacement. Many are essentially monogamous people so she can't split her love so in her mind she chooses the OM over the BH. The OM is "the chosen one" and if he is willing or found to be suitable, he is the one she would prefer to end up with. She is "all in" with the OM. When it goes pear shaped, she has to then be with a husband who she is not in love with or may not even like any more. She is even less happy that before...

 

Many men are in affairs not because they have a terrible wife or marriage but because they are bored or they see an opportunity for NSA sex, excitement, risk, attention... and take it.

There is no choice needed, he has a wife AND a OW, if he plays his cards right he can carry on as normal with both.

When it goes pear shaped he can pick up his wife again with little problem as he never got to a place of being "all in" with the OW, he was always on the fence, he always a had a foot in reality.

He can always pick up another OW at some point...

 

Of course some MW use the OM like a FWB and never get emotionally involved, and some men are "all in" with the OW almost from day one, so it can be "complicated"...

[oldtruck]

I am saying that I have told my H tjat we have been disconnected and grew apart for a longtime now. I asked my H for a separation last year. He asked if we can live under the same roof doe the sake if the children. I told him if he wanted an open marriage that we could try that because he deserves someone to love him and show him affection. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he denied me three times. So I go alone.

We both agreed that we need to live under the same roof for a few years until our children are off to college and try and work on companionship. Something we lacked forever. So he has choices. If he wants to meet people I wont stop him if WE can make it together WE will. It's not rocket science!!

 

You write awful vague at times. You drop the bomb: I offered my BH

an open marriage.

 

Yet you did not tell us if he accepted it. What was BH's response?

Did he ask if are going to have an open marriage?

 

Offering your BH an open marriage is still cheating on him because

he does not know that it has been open a long time before the offer.

[elaine567]

Offering your BH an open marriage is still cheating on him because

he does not know that it has been open a long time before the offer.

 

Unfortunately, this is often the reality of open marriage proposals in established couples. One is having an affair or has a person/people already in mind, and wants to "legitimise" it under the umbrella of an open marriage.

 

Open marriages work when both want the freedom to explore their sexuality with other people.

That rarely happens within the confines of a long term marriage so it ends up being that one is seeing their OM/OW or OMs/OWs "legitimately" and the other is miserable, as they never signed up for this but feel obliged to do it for the children or to prevent them being alone...

Once an open marriage is even mentioned, it can ruin things completely as many take their vows seriously and do not want other people in their marriage... It is not a topic that can be brought up lightly as it can have far reaching consequences.

[DKT3]

DKT uses terms as "most women" all the time. He paints with a big brush and misses that everyone has that story.

Not everyone is like him.

 

Poppy.

Yes, because human behavior is not as varied as people want to believe, the exceptions are truly exceptions. Unfortunately the vast majority followed the same pattern only their perspectives are different, the saying is the only thing making it different is that it finally happened to you.

 

Naive like most women got herself in a situation then looked to justify it by anyway she could except blaming herself and looking inward. She is still doing the same. She want to fix her marriage, but really she wants her husband to fix the marriage by changing while she continues to be as destructive as ever. All common. She expects more from her husband then she 8s willing to give, again all common. Her path is the very same as most of the posters on this section. Misleading about thier true feelings and intentions. Example, her saying she doesn't want MM, yet it's all too clear since she has been posting that she does. Even her title to this thread is misleading,

[Zona]

NW, you said earlier that both you and your husband were responsible for 50% of the marital issues. While this is true, you are 100% responsible for the affair and he has 0% responsibility. He's in the same marriage and apparently didn't cheat.

 

You said in some earlier threads that before the affair you loved your husband, and had a good sex life. This mean that your choice to have an affair is what ruined your marriage, not anything your husband was doing.

 

It's so easy to rewrite marital history. When my wife was having an affair with a co-worker (that I didn't know about), she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, and that she thought she never was, and wasn't even sure why she married me. She also said that she thought the marriage wasn't "real", whatever that means. It was all just rationalization and justification to ease her guilt. She admits that now.

[pepperbird]

oing.

It's so easy to rewrite marital history. When my wife was having an affair with a co-worker (that I didn't know about), she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, and that she thought she never was, and wasn't even sure why she married me. She also said that she thought the marriage wasn't "real", whatever that means.

 

 

I can't help but think there is a "cheating handbook" put there somewhere, and this is one of the top lines in it... this, and the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. It's code for "I'm seeing someone else".

[Bittersweetie]

I understand how being vulnerable can work, sure its risky, what if you show your husband who you really are and he rejects you or is disgusted. But what if he doesn't.

 

Yes. I truly believe my H and I would not still be together if I hadn't chosen to become totally vulnerable and humble. Not going to lie...it was terrifying. My H then had all the cards; he was able to decide how he wanted to move forward in his life.

 

But here's the thing...after our d-day and the aftermath, he knew all of me. The good, the horrible. I then knew all of him. Everything was out there. And after a time we both made the choice to be with the other. We continue to make that choice every day.

 

My reading comprehension was poor and I didn't realize until yesterday that your affair was five years. Five years! That is a long time that you funneled your energy away from H and family and to OM. Honestly, if you don't want to confess, then I think you should divorce. If you truly want to try to stay in the marriage, then you need to confess. This isn't an "oops." Your husband, for five years, was living a life that was not what he thought he was. His reality is not real because you have taken it away from him...and continue to do so under the idea of "saving him from pain." You have all the cards in the relationship right now and don't want to let any of them go. You are attempting to rebuild a house on a faulty foundation. There's no humility or vulnerability about what you've done. How you lied and manipulated your spouse for five years. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but maybe you need a 2x4 here. Divorce or confess. It seems if you avoid either you'll just spin your wheels forever at your husband's expense.

[mincrafter]

I am saying that I have told my H tjat we have been disconnected and grew apart for a longtime now. I asked my H for a separation last year. He asked if we can live under the same roof doe the sake if the children. I told him if he wanted an open marriage that we could try that because he deserves someone to love him and show him affection. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he denied me three times. So I go alone.

We both agreed that we need to live under the same roof for a few years until our children are off to college and try and work on companionship. Something we lacked forever. So he has choices. If he wants to meet people I wont stop him if WE can make it together WE will. It's not rocket science!!

 

No you absolutely did not say that in your previous posts. You were explicit in how you think your husband would be devastated if he know and in the second in how you are going to give him the choice that you have denied him.

 

The answer here is a roundabout and nothing to do on what you stated in your other two posts. So you think disconnection was the only reason you had an affair? Most would say no because you have also been clear in your posts that you had a good marriage and he is a good man and you trust that he loves you still and you took advantage of his trust to carry on your affair to egrerious proportions while simultaneously decimating his value in the marriage. My WW was no different than you. I had also felt the disconnect from her and never was quite able to put it where I went wrong with her.

 

You had choice at the very beginning to communicate this disconnect when you started feeling that romantic attraction for the OM and put all cards on the table that you were heading in a dangerous direction with another man if your husband didn't act to bridge this disconnect. It was so easy for you and way less painful to your husband. You didn't do any of that and that option is gone forever. You were not honest then and you are not honest now. You may say otherwise, but you actions indicate you are more than happy to make this man live a an unsatisfactory life that in your own words does not deserved any of this.

 

Says all about you.

[DKT3]

I can't help but think there is a "cheating handbook" put there somewhere, and this is one of the top lines in it... this, and the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. It's code for "I'm seeing someone else".

 

Of course it is. It all goes hand in hand. I always upset someone when I say cheating is an extension of someone not an anomaly. Its normally at the apex of continued selfish and wayward behavior. Making comments like these are basically shifting blame. If I was in love with you then my boundaries, morals and so on would have been stronger/better. Its does sound ridiculous to suggest how you feel about someone can dictate your morals and values .

 

Naive, your posting has become somewhat erratic, because you say different things about the same topic. I imagine this come from not being able to simply say "my marriage was good then I fell for another man"; The thing is 5 years is a long time, I imagine you really dont remember how you felt prior to starting down this path with another man. The mental gymnastics you've been doing is so clearly obvious and it shows in your posting with so many inconsistencies.

[Aloha123]

Seems to me many women seek out OMs when their marriage is bad, or their marriage is not living up to her expectations, or when she feels she can do better. She is fundamentally looking for a replacement. Many are essentially monogamous people so she can't split her love so in her mind she chooses the OM over the BH. The OM is "the chosen one" and if he is willing or found to be suitable, he is the one she would prefer to end up with. She is "all in" with the OM. When it goes pear shaped, she has to then be with a husband who she is not in love with or may not even like any more. She is even less happy that before...

 

Many men are in affairs not because they have a terrible wife or marriage but because they are bored or they see an opportunity for NSA sex, excitement, risk, attention... and take it.

There is no choice needed, he has a wife AND a OW, if he plays his cards right he can carry on as normal with both.

When it goes pear shaped he can pick up his wife again with little problem as he never got to a place of being "all in" with the OW, he was always on the fence, he always a had a foot in reality.

He can always pick up another OW at some point...

.

 

You have just described my situation 100%, except that my mm was always explicit that he would and does prioritize his wife over me. And yes that makes me more foolish than average but also has made my expectations more realistic, at least in theory.