Bittersweetie Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 I agree with PP...self -identifying as "broken" and "doing penance" is not healthy thinking and is not helping you heal and move forward. A year or so after d-day I said to my husband, "You must hate me." And he said, "I don't hate you. I do hate the person who made those choices though." It was a breakthrough moment for me, seeing a different perspective. Because I was, like you NW, seeing myself as broken and tainted. Yet in the time since my bad choices, I had worked on myself, and made deep changes. My husband's words made me realize that while the person who made those choices was broken, the person I am now was not. Using self-defeating language about yourself is just going to create a vicious circle. You say "I'm doing penance" and then when something bad happens you think "that's my penance" instead of looking at how to make positive changes moving forward. That "broken" kind of language actually hinders your progress instead of helping. I've made a lot of progress and changes since my affair. And I am proud of myself, for the hard work I have done. Maybe to some that sounds weird, considering what the impetus of my changes was, but I decided to own it. I did bad things and hurt people. I also decided to make deep, profound changes in myself, and that is what I am proud of. Does any of this make sense? Just as we used fantasy to justify our actions during the affair, we can use fantasy ("I'm broken") to justify our thinking in the aftermath. Don't fall into that trap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 You will only "remain broken" if you choose to not be honest with yourself. Be honest about what you're feeling, about your motivations, your intentions. I agree with Bittersweetie - holding on to being broken is just as unhealthy and unproductive as whatever fantasy allowed you to be in the affair in the first place. If you truly want to recover, be honest with yourself and don't allow yourself any excuses. That doesn't mean being down on yourself - it means the opposite, loving yourself enough to face what's really inside you and not stay mired in the circular thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 Following up on the idea of being a fMW...I think there is a fine line between letting the negativity of our choices overwhelm us and rug-sweeping them completely. Like, one could either wear the hairshirt for the rest of her life, or put the whole affair in a box and push it deep never to be seen again. Like many things in life, there is a balance. In a couple of months, it will be ten years since I spoke to xAP. I'm not doing either of the choices above. Do I still feel horrible and disgusted by the choices I made? Yes! But I also know I've taken all those choices/things in the box and laid them out on the table and addressed each one. And all those things are now inside me and made me who I am today, and I use my experiences and lessons in order to be the best person I can be, each day. Our poor choices are a part of us, but they don't have to define us. That's why I often ask, "what kind of person do you want to be?" and then encourage one to take the steps to reach that goal. Because people can change for the better, and I believe most people have that capability within them. However it's not an easy path, and some may not be ready for it, or not want to take that "black diamond" path on. Sorry for the rambling...hope this helps you NW or anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 You will only "remain broken" if you choose to not be honest with yourself. Be honest about what you're feeling, about your motivations, your intentions. I agree with Bittersweetie - holding on to being broken is just as unhealthy and unproductive as whatever fantasy allowed you to be in the affair in the first place. If you truly want to recover, be honest with yourself and don't allow yourself any excuses. That doesn't mean being down on yourself - it means the opposite, loving yourself enough to face what's really inside you and not stay mired in the circular thinking. I believe that many WS have a seed rooted issue with abandonment and/or rejection. I bring that up because it explains why some use brokenness in the way that NW is using it here. As an excuse to not do the things she knows she needs to do to get herself completely out of this situation, up to and including her marriage. I dont think ahe loves her husband at all, at least not romantically, but staying is easier. Because she doesn't love him, truly fixing the relationship isnt a priority especially not when doing so increases the risk of more rejection or abandonment. So instead of being honest with herself about her motivation and true intentions she just says, "F--- it I'm broken no point in taking the risk" its akin to being too fearful of failure to try. We all fear rejection or failure...for me personally I approach many of life's crossroads and problems with one question in mind...How would I feel explaining this decision to my children. I truly believe I'd more people took that approach things would become much clearer and easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 NW, You're not a terrible person, most mm/mw aren't. They are simply making some really crappy choices. Beating up on yourself won't help, and it wastes so much energy, keeping you in a mindset where you don't want to be. Figuring out why you cheated will serve you better. Have you been able to develop any insights about that? If so, what have you been doing to work on yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
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