This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[Amethyst68]

This has nothing to do with being grateful about life lessons. You specifically stated you did not regret your affair, considered it a growing experience and had actually thanked your AP! You are still viewing this whole thing through a protected wayward bubble. You have not suffered any consequences for the affair, if you had been through a DDay I believe you would have a completely different narrative, one that is not so entitled.

 

For the record I'm not a BS and I, like everyone else here have no investment in your marriage.

[Naivewomen]

This has nothing to do with being grateful about life lessons. You specifically stated you did not regret your affair, considered it a growing experience and had actually thanked your AP! You are still viewing this whole thing through a protected wayward bubble. You have not suffered any consequences for the affair, if you had been through a DDay I believe you would have a completely different narrative, one that is not so entitled.

 

For the record I'm not a BS and I, like everyone else here have no investment in your marriage.

 

Amethyst, what r u then?? Ur certainly bitter about something that happened in your life??

 

Please dont tell me I didn't suffer any consequences because I didnt have a dday!! Having a complete nervous breakdown, loosing 10 pounds, bedridden, foamy detachment, isolation from my entire world, depression, fatigue, fog, and I can go on as long as you'd like... u dont get to type that statement so freely without having a clue about what I have done. Just because my wording doesnt fit into your perfect view of the world gives u no right to make false accusations. I am equally not invested in your world but something deep troubles you that's for sure.

[Naivewomen]

Amethyst, for the record, its individuals like you who come onto this forum, possibly the incorrect one specifically titled "Other man/woman forum" that make it extremely difficult for people to express themselves without receiving backlash from opinions of others that can't even relate. However, you have the right to post your opinion but people will continue to suppress how they really feel becasue of people like yourself. So if you think Thank God I have thick skin others do not! I came here looking for help not for you or others to devalue who I am because of my choices. Looking forward to your reply specifically!

[Marc878]

How can i not be grateful after this terrible mistake to turn my life around for the better.

 

You seem to be minimizing. Unless it's just semantics.

 

A mistake is something you didn't mean to do.

 

Your affair was a conscious decision you made.

[Naivewomen]

Yes, conscience choice to which I have learned so much from...both families have been spared from chaos and tragedy now.

[Bittersweetie]

NW, I will repeat that I've found the posts that piss me off the most are the ones touching a nerve I need to examine. It still happens even though I'm years down the line, like a couple of pages ago in this thread, when Mark mentioned my moral superiority. What he got from my post was not my intention, but I was frankly annoyed by it, so I took some time to examine if his claim had merit. Not only did his suggestion of providing explanations behind words make sense, it also made me realize that I need to make sure I'm coming from a place of help and healing in every post, since in this medium it's easy to just type and post without thinking things through.

 

All that to say, I agree somewhat with amethyst and other recent PP. You are early on the path and that is fine. You are not going to fix everything overnight, there is still so, so much to process and change, especially with your FOO stuff. My gentle suggestion would be when someone on this site or in real life says something that's upsetting, think about why it's upsetting to you. Why it bothers you. Or maybe put it aside as something to look into at a later date. Those thoughts could send you down a thought path to a realization that could be productive. because despite how thick a skin one has, this kind of deep self-examination work is hard and it hurts.

 

I had a question, how long has it been since the A ended for you? I was just trying to pinpoint where you are and remember what my thinking at that time was.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Bittersweetie

[Amethyst68]

Really NW, you think that only WS and BS are the only people in life to have been affected by infidelity? I guess you are are as naive as the name you picked for yourself...

 

I've never been cheated on - as far as I know, my parents didn't cheat on each other but my first brush with infidelity was as a teenager. A lifelong friend was on vacation with my family and was met at the airport by her mother on our return to be told she was no longer going to be living with her dad but moving with her mum and brother into her mum's boyfriend's house. My friend had to move that day into the house of a man she had no idea even existed only to later find out it was a lta and he was her brother's dad. The trouble that caused is still evident in my friend more than 30yrs later!

 

A cousin's wife had an affair, didn't disclose, it was only found out when his daughter became ill and tests showed he couldn't be a suitable donor as he wasn't a paternal match. Another cousin plus a friend both ended up with pre-cancerous cells because their SOs had unprotected sex with their APs. Lots more examples of people I love having their lives impacted through infidelity.

 

I do have friends that were OW, one is actually married to the MM. It hasn't been all sweetness and light for her, her husband truly has a selfish streak, he has to come first at all times but my friend has never lost that blind love. I'll be honest though, I can't say the friendship would be the same if the MM hadn't already been in the divorce process when I met her. I certainly didn't stop me speaking my mind when he treated his kids like they were pieces of throwaway crap though.

 

Another friend had a short affair, tried to excuse it by saying it she was not the one married to his wife. Wouldn't accept her reasoning because I know she wouldn't have accepted it when she was married.

 

So does that answer your question? BTW I'm not bitter, I'm in my 50s and sick to death of people destroying lives because they selfish liars who want a little extra or who just can't end a relationship before moving onto the next one causing heartache along the way.

[Naivewomen]

Thank you Bittersweet. I am trying my best to take into account what everyone is saying on here and the constant reading, and self reflection happens daily for me now. I am so far from cured and I know it's a long process. This July will be one year out of the affair. He reached out in December amd has sporadically stopped by. So it hasnt been complete NC. Although, what I have told him he is sure to understand clearly that I will never go down that rabbit hole again. I explained that I am grateful for my life and a second chance at my marriage. My H has stood by all of this drama and I never even noticed him. I was deeply in fog and had zero rational skills remaining. I fell as low as one can feel and knew I had to pick myself up and start healing everyone.

[aliveagain]

Wish you the best Naivewoman, I truly mean that. There are many caring people posting advice on your thread, many of the best advice givers on L/S have posted to you. You need to ask your counselor his or her opinion of your recent statement,"both families have been spared from chaos and tragedy now." It reads to me something along the lines of "if they don't know about it and I keep them from finding out then it never happened." The problem with that thinking is your not the only one that knows. The guy you were cheating with knows, didn't some of the other man's friends or family meet you, they know. You can't control other people, that's how I found out about my now ex. All you are doing is delaying the damage that has already happened.

 

Even relationship experts like Susan Winter who says that confessing your infidelity may not always be the best thing to do(One night stand, lots of alcohol). She does say that if infidelity was a conscious ongoing choice(5 years definitely qualifies for that) that you should enter therapy before you confess the affair so you get help in the language to use so you don't cause more damage then is necessary. Honesty is the hallmark of true intimacy.

[Naivewomen]

@Amethyst, maybe it was MM's intention to look for something extra but it wasnt mind

I wasnt living well under a secret world at all. My entire world was slow crumbling before my eyes but I was infact to naive to realize this. I believed it was REAL love. I believed in the fantasy and illusion that I created in my own fog. I wasnt even looking for an exit from my marriage prior to this it's just something that got too close for comfort after many years of working together. Neither went out looking for an affair. I was swept away and consumed by feeling this false sense of being alive again. He felt the same way. Its was the greatest of all temptations for ms and I had weak boundaries. After learning about affairs now and reasonings why people cheat, my thoughts and actions will lead me to a path of a renewed authentic life. Do u feel i should be further punished? What's a suitable punishment on your eyes??? My children suffering from a broken family?? Hurting my husband more by disclosing the truth?? What is it? Do you believe I should be unhappy forever??

[Amethyst68]

Nw, you still don't get it, your posts are still all about you, all about your pain.

 

When you talk about saving your marriage you almost always talk about about your BH needing to work on himself and on the marriage. Can't you see how wrong that is? If you had disclosed and the pair of you had worked through the affair then fair enough but that's not the case. You're on uneven ground and if you don't disclose IMO you're letting him taking more than his fair share of the blame. Then there's the fact that ever individual deserves agency in their own life. You say you are preventing him from hurt when in fact you are saving yourself from more pain and humiliation.

[Naivewomen]

Thank you alive again! The only other person that knows is his wife. She believes it was a EA and asked him to stop all contact which he didnt do. He should have it would have saved me from believing further. He came back stronger than before and was future faking but the guilt did wane on him and slowly the emotional pullback followed. I was trusting loyal and in love with the wrong man!!!! But it happened and his wife believes it's a relationship of the past. His marriage didnt suffer and his world is intact. Hes very convincing and she believed him. Many affairs remain undisclosed forever.

 

I want to apologize to you because you were a BS and I have wanted to send her directly an apology letter that's how sorry I am. She nor my husband deserved this. I am still sick and suffering greatly.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Naivewomen

[DKT3]

Drunken one night stands rarely are found out, 5 year long affair rarely go undiscovered. Unless you have the ability to teleport other people know, that I promise you.

 

NW you've built this little world in your head where you believe that only them finding out will cause damage, truth is the damage is done, you are just too focused on yourself to see it.

 

Step back and take an honest look at your family, notice how your children interact with their father. Then think back to a time when you weren't involved with MM, try to compare the difference.

 

I dont expect you to see it, but they have moved on, it's been 5 years that you have been distracted from them and not making them a priority, they noticed, and most likely have started to exclude you from their lives. The damage is done, maybe they dont know why (although I find it almost impossible for your husband not to know after 5 years, maybe you are too wrapped up in yourself to even admit it) but they know you've be absent and unreliable.

 

Hopefully at some point this will become bigger and more important to you outside of how you are impacted, that is when you can really see your actions for what they are. I dont know that you will ever get there, despite your words, your actions are nothing authentic, just more lies secrets and getting away with something without real consequences. I dont honestly believe you have much empathy for your husband and your children, it's all about you, about not having MM, about not getting what you wanted, and now feeling sorry for yourself.

[elaine567]

If the children and husband have indeed felt the loss of focus from the OP then how is introducing more distance along with anger and hatred, going to help anything?

There is a dead body buried under the patio, that no-one knows about, maybe the time for confession is past and the husband and the kids do not need to actually view the corpse...

[Naivewomen]

@DTK3 it's been almost a year. I have stepped back and looked at what I almost ruined forever. I am a work in progress. It's not more lies and secrets it's the same secret and lie. Nothing new nothing more. The singular lie and secret not multiple ones. This affair has absolutely damaged my family and I can see that now. I can not believe how I allowed this or my actions to have been so compromised but it happened. I can't take it back!

[Naivewomen]

My family will all fair better keeping this hidden forever. I will not be forced or pushed into revealing because all the betrayed spouses say so.

 

DKT3 wasnt it you who recently posted on the infidelity thread that you still dont trust your wife?? Didnt u say something like she spends way too much time on her cellphone and you always have to wonder if shes making another poor choice. Is this how I want my husband to feel?? I think not. You will never fully recovery from the infidelity eventhough you stress how wonderful your marriage is now. It doesnt sound so wonderful without trust does it?? Has she read that thread to understand that you still dont trust her after all this time?? Maybe she should be aware that you continue to have trust issues.

[DKT3]

No that is not what I said. I said that it never goes away. Sometimes for a split second when I enter a room and she is talking or texting I think to myself "again "?

 

Understand this, my wife and I have been together since we were 17 years old, has always been somewhat secretive. Not really willing to trust that I could love all her parts so she hide from me. Ultimately it led to her affair. After which she had more to hide from me. I grew distant and quit, divorced her and walked away. After years apart she slowly started to open up to me. I was finding out things about her I never knew.

 

Maybe it was because she still wanted us, and she felt she had nothing to lose but she finally trusted me enough to let me she all of her. Guess what, she is amazing.

 

The scars are there, and sometimes I doubt her for a split second but I'm confident that she will be honest with me. I can see her boundaries, even with me.

 

Most importantly she let go of the outcome, she stopped trying to manipulate me by managing the faces she showed me, she gave me the choice to love all her parts or not. I know exactly who she is, exactly what she has done and I chose her everyday.

[Starswillshine]

Maybe the fact that most BSs here are encouraging you to tell your BH should say something to you.

 

We were all in your husband's shoes once. We all felt the fall out of DDay. We know the pain, we know the suffering and we all would still prefer to know.

 

MW, I empathize with you. And why you do not want to cause further hurts to your husband. I can where it is also concern for him and your family and not just about you. However, you didnt have that concern for 5 years. So this concern is pretty contradictory to what your actions were for FIVE years. This wasnt just a fling.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is to live an authentic life. NW, you dont see this now because all you could see is the destruction outing will cause. And it will, no doubt, but the only way to free yourself of your demons is to live authentically.

 

I'm glad I found out about my xWH's affairs. I thought I was extremely happy. Wasnt until I left my marriage that I truly found happiness. And your know what, my kids seem to be doing even better than before.

 

It is your life to live, of course, but I think you would be better off for it if you were real.

[DKT3]

If the children and husband have indeed felt the loss of focus from the OP then how is introducing more distance along with anger and hatred, going to help anything?

There is a dead body buried under the patio, that no-one knows about, maybe the time for confession is past and the husband and the kids do not need to actually view the corpse...

 

It helps because they aren't happy, they have a mother and wife who is absent and consumed with herself and her feelings. No one there is happy. Only thing is she is the only one that knows why.

[Amethyst68]

NW, I had spoken to a member of my family and showed them my recent post, they said I should tell you the unvarnished truth about why I started posting here.

 

I mentioned a cousin who discovered pre-cancerous cells as a result of her WH's unprotected sex with his AP. The whole truth is this cousin was a few years younger than me, we were always close, even shared the same name. My cousin had only ever slept with one man so getting the diagnosis was a shock, finding out it was from HPV was even more so. What a way to find out your husband had cheated and not told you, had not respected your health to use protection because the AP was a MW so must be clean. Now I'm not casting any stones or character slurs I know HPV is common in all walks of life, I do blame both cheaters for not using protection. I blame my cousin's husband even more for not telling her so she could a full STI screening as we know this disease can lie dormant sometimes for years.

 

Anyway to cut a long painful story short, the treatment did not work and my cousin died much too young. I took care of her during her final months and it almost broke me, her parents are still grief stricken even though years have passed. As for her WH, he could not handle the guilt and disappeared.

 

My cousin is not the only BS this has happened too. Luckily the treatment today is more effective but I have heard of women having to go through hysterectomies. Men don't have that but as there is no routine check for HPV for men if it passed to them by their WW then they often don't find out until they have a flare up. I was recently reading on another site about BSs who were diagnosed with HIV after their partner's affairs.

 

A few years after this the cousin from the other side of the family discovered the child he was raising and loved more than life was not his when she was desperately in hospital.

 

This is the main reason why I will always advocate for honesty and disclosure. People in affairs are making unilateral decisions that significantly affect the other people their lives. Often people they are supposed to love. I will always believe these people deserve to have all the information necessary to make a fully informed decision about their life, and yes if that decision is divorce then that is a consequence you should face.

 

So I'm not bitter I'm just plain angry at the thoughtless of 2 individuals who only cared for their own happiness which subsequently destroyed an entire family. For God's sake if you're going to cheat then use protection!

[Amethyst68]

Duplicate post

Edited June 1, 2019 by Amethyst68

[Amethyst68]

Oh and if anyone doubts the likelihood or coincidence of that happening to one person, just remember the stats on cheating. I have a huge family, almost 40 first cousins (it's a big Italian family), a lot of their kids are adults and married or in serious relationships now as well. If the stats are correct then a high number of them have been cheated on, or have cheated on their OH.

[elaine567]

It helps because they aren't happy, they have a mother and wife who is absent and consumed with herself and her feelings. No one there is happy. Only thing is she is the only one that knows why.

 

They HAD a wife and mother who was absent and consumed with her own feelings, now they have a present wife and mother determined to make amends...

[Amethyst68]

You know what - never mind...

Edited June 1, 2019 by Amethyst68

[Naivewomen]

Amethyst, thank you for sharing your personal story on this forum. I do understand why you are so angry and I am sorry that this has happened to a good person.

 

I am not asking my H to change one thing. What I want from my marriage is stronger companionship and more laughter. There is nothing fundamental wrong in my marriage other than the fake imagery and walls I put up to justify my actions. I was just swept away slowly. I didnt cheat because I was looking for extra sex. I honestly felt like I fell in love way before anything phsyical. The curiosity and the naiveness to believe that it had a fairytale spin on it was extremely delusional but so powerful. However, it is why I made the decision to stray. It took me a longtime to convince my ownself. I knew I had to break morals, values, and go against my own faith. I went to church often to ask God if he was put before me because this was the one I was supposed to love. I am telling you my mental justifications were completely compromised. I did a number on myself. I had zero support along the way. Fought my way through my extended family that saw the changes in me and my marriage. Just thought it was right because it felt right partially (my selfish side screamed 100% right and the selfless part of me ate away and deteriorated) Honestly, thought he was my soulmate like you read in a book. Naive and gullible but surely can't claim those words anymore now that I have educated myself enough on affairs. I know you believe in honesty as do I and maybe one day I will come forward but it's not today.