oldlion Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I have read the advice everyone has given Naivewomen so I'm going to put in my 2 cents. If I was the BS, and the affair is in the past and not ongoing and my life was good, then I don't want to know. My wife had an EA while I was deployed many years ago. I found out about it after it was long over. Was it also a PA? I never ask because I didn't want to know. I was gone a lot and she got sucked in by being given attention. We have had a good and happy life since, and even before, so why would I want to destroy that? I have had two careers in the last 45 years. Both were filled with danger and violence. Finding out about a PA affair would have caused me to react the way I was trained, with danger and violence. I know everyone will say you should never act in violence. But my careers wasn't selling shoes or working construction. It was many times fighting for my life. Why would this woman want to tell of her affair when she knows the hurt and destruction it will cause her husband, her children, her family, and her life. She is the one that has to live with the hurt, vile and destructive things she has done. She has to look in the mirror everyday and see the person who did such an unspeakable thing. That has to hurt everyday. Why make everyone else live with that insurmountable hurt and destruction. To clear her conscious, ease her guilt, and pass it along to everyone else. Yes, her marriage was a lie during her affair, but is it a lie now when she is trying to rebuilt and repair the destruction she has wrought. Maybe her husband finds out about the affair in the future. At least the time between the end of the affair and the discovery was a time of peace. I will say the sexless years that her husband has had would have had me leaving long ago. No, I do not think marriage is all about sex but I do believe it is an important part. I've been around the world several times, seen a lot of different people and cultures and not once have I ever seen a couple get married and not expect to have a good sex life. That would be my first major red flag. When the affair is ongoing is the time to tell everyone about what is happening. If Naivewomen was to have another affair and not tell her husband what she's doing then she is a real lowlife and the KARMA bus needs to run over her several times. Does she deserve a second chance? She has to ask herself, if her husband had an affair that lasted years, would she give him a second chance? My 2 cents. I do wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 (edited) As a reminder, the purpose of the OM/OW forum is " Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner." No where does it say berating, attacking, piling on or preaching. Civility standards are the same in OM/OW as they are anywhere else on LS and as I clean up these threads and keep seeing the same names over and over again penalties are going to increase and rapidly. Liberal use of the Alert function is strongly encouraged. With that and my subscription in place, thread is now reopened to comment. Edited June 13, 2019 by Tristian Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted June 14, 2019 Author Share Posted June 14, 2019 @Tristan Thank you for observing and removing those posts from this thread. Not supportive nor helpful to anyone. I truly hope this does not deter OW/OM Out there from sharing their feelings on these forums but unfortunately it will!!! But it won't stop me!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Hi Naive. Wow, incredibly long thread. Omg. I saw a recurring theme. People being compassionate and people being the exact opposite. Idk how you kept you’re cool (for the most part). To put yourself out there, I know is extremely difficult. I couldn’t do it. But look at how you have done! You have been supportive of me, and I really appreciate it. Others have too. Glad you are doing well, and would love an up to the minute assessment of where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) Hi beenthere!! I did not always keep my cool. Lol!! The moderator s have removed many posts from this thread because of the banter, lol!! Many of the betrayed do NOT have compassion because we are cheaters!! Which I absolutely understand!! I would love too share with you privately so I am counting down the days until you have access. Our stories are similar because you did have REAL feelings for the OW!!! What I am rooting on for YOU is happiness minus the AP. Happiness and contentment within your marriage after the experience of limerance, FOG, and love!! It will be one the most challenging and difficult times of your life. I will help you along this journey. It can be done!!! AP can have a place in your heart forever if YOU wish. You are in control of you. PM when you go live. Tick tock. Lol Edited July 9, 2019 by Naivewomen Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Hi beenthere!! I did not always keep my cool. Lol!! The moderator s have removed many posts from this thread because of the banter, lol!! Many of the betrayed do NOT have compassion because we are cheaters!! Which I absolutely understand!! I would love too share with you privately so I am counting down the days until you have access. Our stories are similar because you did have REAL feelings for the OW!!! What I am rooting on for YOU is happiness minus the AP. Happiness and contentment within your marriage after the experience of limerance, FOG, and love!! It will be one the most challenging and difficult times of your life. I will help you along this journey. It can be done!!! AP can have a place in your heart forever if YOU wish. You are in control of you. PM when you go live. Tick tock. Lol The only reason I am contributing here is because it shouldn't matter whether or not your exMM had feelings for you..and I feel like talking privately to an MM who openly admits his feelings might be a setback for you. FYI I was an OW, not a BS. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Naivewomen, I had the same thought SpiceCat did when I read that comment. I know that isn't the intent the two of you may have but under the circumstances, with both of you being recovering others, it may indeed cause triggers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I have to triple that thought. It would be huge danger, imo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Naivewomen, I had the same thought SpiceCat did when I read that comment. I know that isn't the intent the two of you may have but under the circumstances, with both of you being recovering others, it may indeed cause triggers. You're right..it probably wouldn't be good for him either. Kat, my goodness..your strength and kindness impresses me with every one of your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you SpiceCat. That's kind of you to say and much appreciated. Looks like this Kitty Kat may be finding her old self again hehehe ... It's been a struggle last 2 months but I'm feeling I may have turned a corner. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I see and understand what you guys are saying and thank you for looking out for me. Curious, there are parts that I want to share but have no interest in backlash. I know the forum is better when public, so everyone can gain knowledge, and I have shared some. Is group pm possible, just for certain details? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 You can send a PM to 2 people at a time, so that might work to some degree. I think there's likely a few fOWs who'd be interested in doing that although something like a group chat via hangouts or something similar (using throw away email addys) might work better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you posters!! You are very right!! Great point. I was just trying to be helpful. I am saddened by the fact that MM will hold back his story because of the backlash as nearly ALL of them do. I was hoping to change this cycle. @beenthere, you have no idea how helpful your story will be too so many OW out here that are in dire need for answers. The need to know that MM did care did have feelings. Its validating because the OW puts in so much!! Nearly pours all of themselves in this person. Its comforting to understand the MM's feelings. Thank you everyone for helping and supporting!! All of you are truly amazing! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 His story isn't a reflection or template of MM. There are stories from MM here, only a few admitted to having a deep connection with the OW. Most of the others were cake eaters looking to use the OW for sex and validation. One that comes to mind that really cared for the OW is Jenkins95 I believe.... Reading most of the others is like looking into the minds of what women fear the most from any man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 I agree there are many men like that out there!! However, not once you are in a long term affair. Impossible not to feel connected to the other. Most men learn at a very young age to suppress their emotions and keep them deep inside. Most men would NEVER admit that their hearts opened to another in fear of backlash. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Naivewoman I thought you were trying to heal your marriage and recommit to your husband, and all I see is a woman desperate to try to "prove" she meant something to her MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Elaine I am the furthest from desperate. I know I did! I need not prove that too anyone. I am here to help others understand that they too filled their MM with love and adoration. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 One that comes to mind that really cared for the OW is Jenkins95 I believe.... Even Jenkins admitted that the "love" he felt for his OW, was more the kind of good feeling he had in the moment, a heady mix of sex and excitement, rather than true love. IIRC, He said he was shocked when he found out his OW was fully on board with his future faking... as he viewed that as all part of the fun and fantasy, and not to be taken literally... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I am here to help others understand that they too filled their MM with love and adoration. ,, and what would that help? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Really? Yes, he showed up this morning. He wants me to continue to drool over him that's all. I will never cave again. I realize he was so toxic. My problem was always but we were friends first and I valued our friendship. The thing is I realize he wasn't my friend. I was his. I was his support and etc. He offered me nothing. It was always about him. Doesn't much sound like love to me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Please stop. Again this is because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Elaine, as I think your opinion matters you still seem bitter. Was it fantasy, illusion and way off from reality absolutely!! However, it still was filled with loving feelings. He did love the way I made him feel was it true love absolutely NOT!! But unless you experienced it your opinion is semi worthless on this forum. @beenthere, no worries, this makes my skin thicker! Lol! I know what true committed love is!! It was a true growing and learning experience! Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 @beenthere it isn't about you, trust me. I've been seeing these types of posts from the same posters the entire time I've been here. Read my thread and you will see. Don't be discouraged and attribute things to yourself that really are not about you. We are here to support one another - some are kinder and gentler than others. Keep reading and posting:-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Elaine, as I think your opinion matters you still seem bitter. Was it fantasy, illusion and way off from reality absolutely!! However, it still was filled with loving feelings. He did love the way I made him feel was it true love absolutely NOT!! But unless you experienced it your opinion is semi worthless on this forum. I just do not see how you or anyone else can get over this if you are still ruminating about how much your MM loved you, on and on and on. In the grander scheme of things does it really matter? Its over, he chose his wife. Is all this "love" for your MM and trying to "prove" he felt the same, helping you, your marriage, your husband, your kids, your future life? NO, it keeps you stuck like a broken record. It is the past and it needs to be put behind you. Nothing has really changed since you first posted, and it won't unless you change your mindset. Wallowing, we all do it, makes us "feel better", we are not giving up, we are not moving on, we are still holding on like grim death, we do not want to let go, as letting go means admitting it is finally over and that is scary. BUT there comes a time when we have to let go, for our own survival, else our mental and physical health suffers... not to mention that of our loved ones... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Yes I agree Elaine. Care to share how to let go so easily?? Unfortunately, it's a process. I wish I had an easier way leaving this in the past!! It has been a year, I process everyday and it is getting easier. I no longer feel isolated from my life, I no longer feel trapped. My husband and I have gotten stronger because I realized MOST of our problems were the walls of resentment i was fabricating because he wasnt MM. Many walls have come down and the improvement of togetherness has almost restored. This was many years of sharing and caring for another it's not that easy! Everyday I try and dona better job than yesterday. Many of these OW have nobody now! They were banking on MM. It saddens me to see this most of all. I have a family so I feel luckier to have another chance. These women will have bliss and happiness again but they still need time to process this. It's not an easy task at all!!! Unless someone has walked in their shoes most others opinions are not so helpful (more hurtful than supportive). Are u married Elaine?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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