This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[Tristian]

Since a lot has been shared in the discussion, I'm not going to edit the thread but I will ask that we steer things back towards the OP and away from general discussion on whether or not to inform the BS.

[pepperbird]

Yes you are 100% describing the "aha moment" my husband would have because my behavior has certainly changed over the past 2 years, much like NWs.

 

 

To me, you and NW both sound like you are really working hard to understand what happened and learn from it.

I admire that, and I expect it's not an easy thing to do.

[Naivewomen]

@Dkt3 and BaileyB- I agree that I am trying to successfully compartmentalize this affair and detach myself from the entire event and place it in a box because not only my husband, my teenage children and my family will never understand how I could possibly have done something so severe. Eventhough, I had some reasons why my marriage was not as strong it doesn't justify the affair. That's a personal decision based off of many things from my past. I don't think 'cheaters' set out looking to cheat but while in the heat of the affair you get many moments of figuring yourself out which I never would have processed before this affair. I was never able to look deep within my core and realize well my father abandoned us when we were little and etc etc. These traumatic experiences would have lingered internally within myself forever. What I am saying now, is if I can continue to grow and figure out self love, I will be able to authentically live a normal life.

 

Today I choose not too tell as I believe this will affect the dynamics of my family. I can't and won't let my husband and my children down anymore. I will continue with IC and try to out my best efforts forward with the lie lingering.

 

I apologize to all the posters that dont agree or get extremely upset with this decision but at the end of the day I have to live with it.

[El Duendecillo]

Naive, I know it may seem harsh at times here, but I hope you continue to engage here.

 

Regardless of your decision, I'm pulling for you being able to find happiness within your marriage.

[Naivewomen]

Thank you! Yes, the comments can be harsh however, I deserve everyone of them. One poster commented that I had no consequences to my actions to cheat. Absolutely disagree with this. I am a broken person. I allowed my heart to become vulnerable to another man. My husband and I are still very distant. The level of disrespect to my H and children are just a few of the consequences that I have to live with. We are not a strong family unit (huge consequence). It seems some posters rather see my H walk away so they can close this thread and you would all believe I would have received what I deserved. Seems not many people belive that I deserve happiness now from this fall out and I agree. Why would I? I dont have the answers to that either.

[DKT3]

No, that's not it. Many of us have been in your husband's position. We have doubted our spouses/partners fidelity and been lied to and misled. It's a horrible situation to be in. Your start to doubt your sanity because you know something is off but dont want to believe that this person is capable of betrayal on this level.

 

Secondly, many of us that have actually built a stronger relationship after infidelities understand there is only one way to get there and your current path isnt that way. Sure you can stay married, you can even at times have an enjoyable experience but you cant have a stronger relationship, not really, just more of what you had while having the affair.

 

In reading here it is apparent who has actually built a stronger marriage and who is just spinning the wheel.

 

At some point you will have to be vulnerable, right now your focus is controlling the narrative, making unilateral decisions for everyone. That isn't loving it's just more of that "my way or the highway" you admitted has been your way. It's just more of the same. To be different you have to actually have to be different, otherwise what really is the point? Only semi winner here is you, everyone else just blames themselves while your the one who tossed the grenade into your home and sitting silently while they burn, only looking out for yourself.

Edited March 16, 2019 by DKT3

[stillafool]

but while in the heat of the affair you get many moments of figuring yourself out which I never would have processed before this affair. I was never able to look deep within my core and realize well my father abandoned us when we were little and etc etc. These traumatic experiences would have lingered internally within myself forever.

 

You could have gotten therapy to help you figure out why your father abandoned you. You did not need an affair partner to help you. I call bull on that one.

[aliveagain]

Thank you! Yes, the comments can be harsh however, I deserve everyone of them. One poster commented that I had no consequences to my actions to cheat. Absolutely disagree with this. I am a broken person. I allowed my heart to become vulnerable to another man. My husband and I are still very distant. The level of disrespect to my H and children are just a few of the consequences that I have to live with. We are not a strong family unit (huge consequence). It seems some posters rather see my H walk away so they can close this thread and you would all believe I would have received what I deserved. Seems not many people belive that I deserve happiness now from this fall out and I agree. Why would I? I dont have the answers to that either.

 

Five years is a long time to be gone from your family, they know something is not right. Five years trying to make yourself happy by bringing another man into an already troubled family dynamic is almost impossible to hide, you had a second secret life. This was all about you being happy was it not? It's about the depths you went to in order to achieve a happiness that turned out to be hollow and at what cost? The cost is the real issue in my POV. Only you in your family dynamic knows the truth, everyone else is confused and in the dark. It is reasonable to believe(based on my stint as a betrayed spouse) they already suspect. We all found out and not many here had to endure it for five years. How you fix what you severely damaged is what is in question assuming you want the marriage to survive.

 

You have made so many bad decisions regarding your family already and time is an issue. Your children are teens, just how much time will they remain in your household? Guess who will be left, you and the man you betrayed. Is it possible that he is staying until they move out? That scenario plays out here all the time. Just my opinion, fixing your marriage and your family situation the right way is critical to it's survival. Get professional help from those experienced with your type of situation. It's never too late to make good decisions about your future.

Edited March 16, 2019 by aliveagain

[Naivewomen]

@stillafool.

I had no idea I had any underlying issues that's the thing. No clue why I allowed myself to become weak enough to allow another person in my life. All of these things are what I'm trying to sort out now with the help of IC and posters on these threads. A cheater cheats for a reason and it wasnt just because I couldnt resist. There were many factors involved and YES selfishness was absolutely one of them but there were so many more. It had nothing to do about the sex at all. I would have stayed without the PA for the next 10 years so I realize that I had become more emotionally attached then physically . Now it's to figure out why I lack the emotional connection with my spouse. Why I allowed myself to emotionally detach from my marriage, why the MM made me happier. So many unanswered questions swirling in my head. For now the NC has allowed me to journal clear thoughts without the fog, clear reasons as to why this happened. I am still processing the whys.

[BaileyB]

@stillafool.

I had no idea I had any underlying issues that's the thing. No clue why I allowed myself to become weak enough to allow another person in my life.

 

Did it take you five years of lying, cheating, and sneaking around to discover this though?

 

Your children are teens. You have not been present in the family for a third of their young lives? You may well be living in the home, but the same “adult issues” of abandonment that you experienced as a child, you have essentially inflicted on your own children (albeit, in a different way and without their full awareness).

 

I’m sorry, while I appreciate the fact that you are on this journey to self discovery and support you in dealing with the trauma of your childhood, I think it’s rather selfish to do this at the expense of your husband and children.

Edited March 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[Naivewomen]

Its has been about 3 months since I have posted on my own thread. I continue to come here to read and learn from others on LS. As I have been going through my affair recovery, I have really been able to see things clearer. I continue to have triggers and feelings of the missed addiction MM gave me however, we the continued focus at home, I have noticed so many positive things about my life. I honestly can say that my H has recognized my efforts and has started to open his heart backup to me. I was really lucky here and have been awarded the opportunity to have a better marriage than before without discovery. My discovery was within myself. I put up tons of fake illusions and walls surrounding my marriage to justify what I wanted and thought I needed from the MM. The sense of my own entitlement disregarding others pain in the wake of my selfishness. MM has since returned numerous times and has kept it very platonic with just a friendly hello. That's his actions because I have not reached out and do not intend to re-engage in the unhealthy lifestyle of the affair. I am strengthening my own morals and values. It's a constant battle some days I'm depressed. Some days I wish temptation to take that hold over me again but then I say a silent prayer and ask God for stren6and it soon passes. Each day I'm grateful for soemthing else. We had a family vacation last week and it felt so rewarding just spending quality time with my family. We were all very happy. So this is my update as of late and will continue to help others on this forum. You have no idea how so many of you aided in my healing. Extremely grateful!

[DKT3]

Having read your update along with your other comments on another thread today, I must say, your words ring hollow.

 

It isnt enough to stop having sex outside of your marriage, other then that, nothing has changed. You still communicate with MM, you are still lying to you husband while dragging MM over the coals for not being honest with you.

 

All I read in your words is I'm entitled, I'm entitled to better treatment then I give, I'm entitled to have a person I'm not willing to be.

 

I hope it all works out how you plan, I'm doubtful because you still have the same mindset that allowed the affair to happen, in time that will once again consume you.

 

Good luck

[Bittersweetie]

Naive, I've been reading your posts lately and have actually had similar thoughts to DKT3. I will explain why in order to give you something more to examine:

 

You have posted lately giving encouragement to OW and that is great. But much of those posts are about how the MM is selfish and what the MM was doing/thinking that was not positive to the OW. The "illusion" of MM. How a MM acts with his wife. Etc.

 

IMO, a lot of focus on MM. Don't trust them...they lie! Well, I was a MW and I lied. You were a MW and you lied. Yes, maybe there are varying degrees of being a WS, but we were both selfish and lying and hurtful to others. I get the impression you recognize this fact but gloss over it somewhat. You need to peel that onion more, Naive. You are moving in the right direction, push deeper. Technically you are still lying to your husband, even though you are working to better yourself, so calling other MM liars sounds a bit hypocritical.

 

Also, just as an aside, I've seen you mention you are NC...but above you say he keeps reaching out. That's great that you don't engage but you aren't NC. Sometimes complete NC is impossible due to circumstances and maybe that is the case here. But don't "fool yourself" because that is the same type of thinking that happened during the affair...how we justify things in order to make it okay, to fit the narrative we tell ourselves.

 

Please don't think I am being hard on you because I don't like you or whatever...I see possibility in you, that is why I am pushing. Good luck.

Edited May 27, 2019 by Bittersweetie

[Amethyst68]

Naive, you say your BH has started to reopen his heart to you, as I recall from your posts that was never really the problem, the problem was was that you withdrew your heart (and body) from him, so I guess my question is have things changed in the last 3 months when you were refusing to interact with your husband emotionally/intimately while you 'healed' from your affair. In effect have you reopened your heart to your husband?

 

I must agree with the other posters. I know we've clashed on other threads. As Bittersweetie stated your recent threads have turned into a diatribe against MM and how they lie and manipulate to take advantage of weak, innocent OW/MW. While it is good to support people on their journey it is not good to make them victims. Everyone has agency in their own life, the power to say yes or no and whether people like it or not the morality to know if the decision is right or wrong. The affair is a joint decision, trying to put all the blame on the MM stops the growth and also preserves a sense of 'injustice' in the OW/MW.

 

Take yourself as an example, you're obviously an educated woman, able to take care of herself if need be. Your affair went on for over 5yrs, do you honestly believe you were manipulated for all that time or it's that what you tell you tell yourself because it feels better than admitting you made a conscious choice to betray your husband for all this years. Better to be a victim of a manipulative liar...

 

One last question, when it comes to NC - do you ignore xMM when he comes around or do you engage, even just to say hi?

Edited May 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo

[FMW]

I agree with the three posts following your update today.

 

Continuing to demonize your (or someone else's) MM and continuing to postulate about what's going on in their marriage is a big sign you are far from over your MM.

 

I'm pulling for you, I wish you the best.

[Naivewomen]

Hi, to clarify the last few posters. I have come forward to say I wasnt the victim at all I signed up and opened myself to someone I trusted and believed in. I do not believe I was manipulated for a very longtime. He did future fake so that was where he was a larger liar than I. I still lied. I take responsibility for my actions and have struggled because of it. My marriage is still pretty weak but without the heaviness from the affair and the isolation that I created to justify my actions i can see that i was the one who put up so many walls and resentment toward my spouse. It was just all part of the roller coaster that i was on.

 

I have been NC and MM has stopped by probablyooking for ego strokes but it doesnt matter becasue he lost his power and hold over me and I never thought I would see that!! I'm just grateful that I didnt ruin everyone's lives and I am still here learning something new everyday. Pushing my self, to continue to dig deep. I understand the ones who feel like I got away with robbing the bank. I realize I was selfish and entitled, I never said otherwise. I am trying to help OW see the red flags that I ignored and was so blind too. They must see that MM can separate the two worlds effortlessly and most women can not!!

[PhoenixRising8]

'They must see that MM can separate the two worlds effortlessly and most women can not!!'

 

So true. I have learned a lot that I wish I hadn't put myself in the position of having to learn.

 

My affair was an exit affair for me. My xMM's affair was a split self affair. It could also have been a conflict avoidant affair. Or it could have been a combination of both, which I believe is more likely. Had no idea there was more than one type of affair lol.

 

 

'It’s not often discussed, but male power and patriarchy make Split-Self Affairs possible. The lack of investment in addressing marital concerns, emotional disconnection over time, and a refusal to choose (because you really don’t have to) keep these men stuck in a fragmented self that can last for decades with serial long-term affair partners.' Check

 

'Ironically, to friends and family, the Conflict Avoidant couple seems perfect. The couple is superficially thoughtful, regulated and polite, but the partners are so profoundly invested in avoiding conflict, that they collaborate in presenting an "as if" relationship. They focus intently on how things should be, but not as they are. On rare occasions where courage is mustered, and differences are brought up, it is common for the listening partner to remind the tentative complainer, that "somethings are just not worth fussing about.'

. Check. All you have to do is look at BS's FB posts and what is presented is far from the truth of their marriage.

 

Conflict avoidant cheaters tend to become serial cheaters.

[Naivewomen]

Wow Kat!! You have done your homework!

You have also shared so much of your personal life on your thread my apologies that others pushed you to respond as to why you wont divorce. It's really none of their business.

[PhoenixRising8]

Wow Kat!! You have done your homework!

You have also shared so much of your personal life on your thread my apologies that others pushed you to respond as to why you wont divorce. It's really none of their business.

 

Yes, I have done my homework. If only I had done it BEFORE, not after the fact.

 

As for sharing, I don't care anymore. It's anonymous anyway. And it's become a journal. Ultimately, if it can help someone see the progression, the dangers and save themselves then that's good too. At the beginning, I like many others believed one size doesn't fit all. We were unique, different. Truth is, if we've landed here, we at least subconsciously know we're in trouble. Otherwise why bother. Proving once again that when I push aside my intuition I live to regret it.

[Aloha123]

Naivewoman and LiliKat, you have both helped me tremendously and I'm glad you are able to weather the harsh criticism to help people like me who are in the same boat,

[Aloha123]

Also, while i respect where other people are coming from on the topic, I think that stopping your affair but not telling your husband is absolutely better than not stopping your affair and not telling your husband. Otherwise, the logical conclusion is that if you are not going to tell your spouse you might as well continue the affair (other than to possibly end your own pain and suffering), which can't be right.

Edited May 28, 2019 by Aloha123

[Aloha123]

Ok, one last point. I also disagree that still pining for and being emotionally invested in the mm is the equivalent of actively being involved in a relationship with him. You are human. You are not going to wave a magic wand and instantly stop thinking about him. As for him trying to contact you, I think on a relative basis you have done pretty damn good with the NC, especially avoiding his attempts to reel you back in. Progress not perfection. Two steps up one step back. It's part of the process for most of us mere mortals.

[DKT3]

Aloha, to be honest there is really not much difference between continuing to have sex outside your marriage and stopping the sex but continuing with the same behavior overall.

 

Even if you stop the affair completely, if you aren't or don't work towards being authentic then it's most likely the same feelings and thought process that lead to the affair will at some point return. So what's to stop a repeat?

 

Kitkat, I believe you've over analyzed the whole split person thing. I dont believe many MM actually give it much thought. Here is the thing, this men usually put on a full court press in the beginning, once they have accomplished their goal (getting a MW in bed) then the scales usually switch sides. It then becomes the MW who is the more active participants in the affair, she is the one keeping it going. At this point all MM has to do is reassure her that she isnt horrible and give her something to keep fighting for ie future together kinda stuff.

Its really not as deep as you think. Men simply are unwilling to give up an easy source of ego boosting and/or sex. And/or because not all MM are actually looking for just sex.

[Aloha123]

Even if you stop the affair completely, if you aren't or don't work towards being authentic then it's most likely the same feelings and thought process that lead to the affair will at some point return. So what's to stop a repeat?

 

Ok, with that I do agree so I see what you're saying overall. I still think stopping the affair is the most important component though! Like, an alcoholic may have a lot of underlying work to do but obviously the addiction takes on a life of it's own and of course you need to address that first. (and yes I get that your point is that you THEN need to address the underlying issues).

[heartwhole2]

I would suggest that until and if you disclose the affair to your husband, you refrain from sex with him until you have had a clear STD screening. It's the least you can do after potentially exposing him without his knowledge.

 

Health and wholeness are a life-long journey, not a clear-cut yes/no. I'm glad you are taking steps to be a better person. I'm sorry if you said this, but are you in IC?