SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Please stop. Again this is because of me. It's really and truly not about you. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Seems like it agitated people. Seems like I’ve done that before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Seems like it agitated people. Seems like I’ve done that before. Nope! But a still-recovering MM PMing with a still-recovering OW is definitely a terrible, terrible idea. That's all. You did nothing wrong! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 @beenthere, please do not let this halt your true feelings for your AP. This is exactly what the betrayed want. They dont want to change the cycle of this forum. Please find strength and ignore the venom from others. Many people here can really support you and I turn you can help so many others!! Many MM will not come forward and the ones that do and get shot down never return. This is cyber world and no one can see you. Ignore the haters!! Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 @beenthere, please do not let this halt your true feelings for your AP. This is exactly what the betrayed want. They dont want to change the cycle of this forum. Please find strength and ignore the venom from others. Many people here can really support you and I turn you can help so many others!! Many MM will not come forward and the ones that do and get shot down never return. This is cyber world and no one can see you. Ignore the haters!! NW..this post does not sound like a woman who's trying to recommit to her marriage - it sounds like a woman who is still desperately hoping her exMM will see the light and come for her. Nobody was spitting any venom at him or at you. But if you are truly going to heal, both yourself and your marriage and family life, you need to admit the truth to yourself. You do sound more concerned with MM than with yourself or your family. The purpose of this forum is support - not to encourage affairs. PS I was an OW, not a BS. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 @beenthere, please do not let this halt your true feelings for your AP. This is exactly what the betrayed want. They dont want to change the cycle of this forum. Please find strength and ignore the venom from others. Many people here can really support you and I turn you can help so many others!! Many MM will not come forward and the ones that do and get shot down never return. This is cyber world and no one can see you. Ignore the haters!! And before you ask, yes, I was married..no, not during my affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Spicecat, your wrong!! I have fully committed back to my marriage and too healing. For the record, he has come back several times seeing the light!! Obviously I am not trying to keep this affair alive. What I can not tolerate are the bullies! These people including myself are hurting. They are hurting at their very core. They are seeking help via kindness and support. I didnt say anyone today was spewing venom but make no mistake people have spewed venom my way and at other cheaters!!! We are very AWARE about all the pain we caused everyone and everything. We need to find a way out of the rabbit hole instead comments continue to push us deeper into the hole. We want out, we want our freedom again. We want to feel REAL love again. Dealing with a broken heart is truly a terrible thing. I feel for ALL BS and ALL OW. Affairs are wrong no matter what!! I had terrible impulse control and was naive. Everyone on here is suffering from something. I believe in spreading love not hate. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 How is speculating about how your exMM feels or about how any MM feels about a woman he is cheating with helpful, healing, or healthy for you or for anyone else? How would your husband feel if he knew you still want confirmation that exMM loved you? What does that do for your marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Spicecat, your wrong!! I have fully committed back to my marriage and too healing. For the record, he has come back several times seeing the light!! Obviously I am not trying to keep this affair alive. What I can not tolerate are the bullies! These people including myself are hurting. They are hurting at their very core. They are seeking help via kindness and support. I didnt say anyone today was spewing venom but make no mistake people have spewed venom my way and at other cheaters!!! We are very AWARE about all the pain we caused everyone and everything. We need to find a way out of the rabbit hole instead comments continue to push us deeper into the hole. We want out, we want our freedom again. We want to feel REAL love again. Dealing with a broken heart is truly a terrible thing. I feel for ALL BS and ALL OW. Affairs are wrong no matter what!! I had terrible impulse control and was naive. Everyone on here is suffering from something. I believe in spreading love not hate. Do you consider honesty and truth to be important requirements of a successful relationship? Do you expect your husband to be honest and truthful to you, to your children? Do you expect your family and friends to be honest to you? If your answer is yes then why should you not be required to have the same standards? I just want to know what you feel are requirements of a good marriage and what a deal breaker is for you? I won't respond to your statement about spreading love because to me infidelity causes hate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) Do you consider honesty and truth to be important requirements of a successful relationship? Do you expect your husband to be honest and truthful to you, to your children? Do you expect your family and friends to be honest to you? If your answer is yes then why should you not be required to have the same standards? I just want to know what you feel are requirements of a good marriage and what a deal breaker is for you? I won't respond to your statement about spreading love because to me infidelity causes hate. A deal breaker for me is a cheater!! I know that I don't deserve this chance but my family is depending on me for unity, love and a stable environment. I feel that eventhough I was dishonest I can fix my wrongdoings. I do believe in honesty. Hopefully one day I can be honest becasue I am forver broken because of it. No need to break everyone else. I did enough damage! I will not inflict anymore pain onto my family. They are my priority. I am sorry that infedilty wrecked your marriage. There are no winners in this type of deception, I recognize this. I was a very unhealthy person during this affair and all I can try to do now is live honestly going forward. I need to keep the past in the past Edited July 11, 2019 by Naivewomen Error 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 just want to address the issue of fMM and fMW PMing on this site. I think it is a very poor choice. It has the high possibility to turn into an EA…I have seen it happen here, threads have been started and deleted describing how two people entered an EA by sharing history and feelings on this site, on this very board. When I joined this site, I recognized I was in a vulnerable place. So I made the decision to enforce a boundary: I would not PM with men. And in the almost nine years I’ve been here, I haven’t. A couple of times a man has PM’d me with a specific question, usually regarding my husband, and I answered, and that was it. As fMM and fMW one of the things we have to address in the aftermath of affairs is our boundaries. And Naïve, and Been, if you are thinking that it’s “okay” to talk privately, then I’m not sure if you fully recognize how weak your boundaries are in general. Or else you would understand that PMing is not the healthiest choice in your positions. NW, Been…have you read the Not Just Friends book? It is very informative about boundaries, and I know I found it helpful in the aftermath of my affair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 A deal breaker for me is a cheater!! I know that I don't deserve this chance but my family is depending on me for unity, love and a stable environment. I feel that eventhough I was dishonest I can fix my wrongdoings. I do believe in honesty. Hopefully one day I can be honest becasue I am forver broken because of it. No need to break everyone else. I did enough damage! I will not inflict anymore pain onto my family. They are my priority. I am sorry that infedilty wrecked your marriage. There are no winners in this type of deception, I recognize this. I was a very unhealthy person during this affair and all I can try to do now is live honestly going forward. I need to keep the past in the past Then why are you so desperate to convince yourself that your MM had feelings for you? And why are you encouraging other recovering MM to admit that they had feelings for their OW? NW I promise I'm not trying to pick on you. But your posts do not sound like a woman on the path to a healthy or happy marriage. It truly does sound like you are still completely infatuated with your MM. And as you yourself consider infidelity a dealbreaker..that would make you a dealbreaker in your own marriage. I do not judge you, nor do I think you're a bad person. But I do think you're in denial. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) And as you yourself consider infidelity a dealbreaker..that would make you a dealbreaker in your own marriage. Oh, the irony... Do you appreciate the thought OP that you are asking your husband to accept (without his knowledge) the very thing that you have said you personally, would never accept? But your posts do not sound like a woman on the path to a healthy or happy marriage. It truly does sound like you are still completely infatuated with your MM. I do not judge you, nor do I think you're a bad person. But I do think you're in denial. Completely agree with this post. No judgment whatsoever, to tell of not to tell is entirely your decision... but, it is a little ridiculous to champion the MM on this site and encourage them to admit that they love(d) their OW... Not necessarily the behavior of a woman who has left her MM in the past and is committed to reconciling her marriage. Denial is the word. Edited July 11, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I honestly don't believe NW gets how counterproductive her desire to convince herself and everyone that her MM loved her. Ultimately it doesn't matter if her true goal is her marriage....however, I dont believe it is, I believe she backed into her marriage because it didn't work with MM. I asked her the question way back and she never answered. Where would she be now if MM went the other way...judging based solely on what she is posting the answer is obvious. No where in that is consideration for her family, nor was it in the affair itself. Only when it involves her facing the consequences of her actions does that consideration because active. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 We need to find a way out of the rabbit hole instead comments continue to push us deeper into the hole. We want out, we want our freedom again. We want to feel REAL love again. op, you know I'm rooting for you, but this line of thinking has to stop. I know it's hard, but if you truly want to make progress within your marriage as well as yourself, you have to find a way to shift from the "ow" mindset where the focus is on you and how you've been hurt to your marriage and family and what you can do to help it heal and move forward. In other words, for now, you should highly consider sucking up your pain and putting it in a box. Put that box on a shelf for now, and when you feel a bit stronger, go back to it and work through a bit more of your own pain and heartache. It's not a sprint but a marathon. I'm not saying to ignore your own needs or pain, just that, if the focus is on those, you may well lose sight of what you say you really want..your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 . I was a very unhealthy person during this affair and all I can try to do now is live honestly going forward. I need to keep the past in the past op, I understand that may be 100 percent true. The problem is that you seem to be stuck, and part of this really seems to be that you have a need to have your affair validated. By that, I mean you seem to have a real need to know that he loved you. How does that help you move forward? It seems to be more about feeding your ego or maybe it's a form of justification to help protect your psyche. I know you don't want to tell your fmaily, and I won't push for that. What I will do is tell you two truths. The first is that, affairs of ten hurt the BS/ kids, even if they never know why. A big part of that is the way the WS acts. They always seem to think they are keeping it hidden, but it's often not as well disguised as they think. The second is that, if you really want to leave the affair behind, then you need to stop trying to figure out your MM and why he got involved with you, what his feelings for you were or what he's doing now. What difference does it make if he loved you? How does it help your marriage to know that?as a married woman, those simply do not matter. Let it go. You can't change what happened. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I agree with a lot of points made here. A MM and a MW discussing privately their experiences and woes is extremely inappropriate and definitely lacking boundaries. Both of you need to really look deeper and understand how and why. If you were truly committed to improving your marriages you would already know that is a no go. Naive, what I seen here with Been is that you are wanting to project Been onto your MM. This man says he cares about his OW, so that means your MM does as well. All of this is extremely unhealthy and will not help you move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Naive, what I seen here with Been is that you are wanting to project Been onto your MM. This man says he cares about his OW, so that means your MM does as well. All of this is extremely unhealthy and will not help you move forward. Exactly. The question you should be asking yourself - why do you need validation that your MM loved you and your affair meant something so badly... If you are truly moving forward and recommitting to your family, it shouldn’t matter anymore... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Yes I realize that trying to speak to been privately is not the right thing to do. I just feel like he wants to release his emotions and this forum should allow him to do so without being shot down. We will not speak privately so I understand. @pepperbird thank you for your post. All I know at this point is I am trying to fix my marital issues and we have come along way. I never wanted to hurt my family and when push came to shove I never would have done it. Without this forum, I never would have believed it was all fantasy and illusion. I realize that I loved that fantasy more than I loved being in my marriage. The Highs were very intoxicating and the withdrawal was very intense. I have more good days now than in the past so I continue to fight for my family and repair the damage done. I believe that I will always remain broken now and I believe it's my penance. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 NW - you sound like a kind person but gently, that's his issue..not yours. If he feels like he cannot release his issues here, inviting him into your issues in a private setting is not the way to help either of you. As for remaining broken - you're still in the thick of it and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I have not started a thread about my own story as I don't feel the need to since I am in a better place now, but the gist of it is: My husband was killed in a freak accident only weeks after our daughter was born. We'd been together since we were teenagers. I was suffering from post partum depression on top of this. My mother in law was helpful at first but then attempted to take my daughter away more and more (I get it, but it wasn't helping my mental state at the time), and eventually filed for custody. I hired a lawyer, who ended up being my MM. We had an affair for slightly under a year which ended with me downing a bottle of pills (yes, that was selfish of me and yes, I feel absolutely horrible about it now and I'm so glad I did not succeed..my daughter is the very best person I've ever met and I can't imagine not knowing her). My sweet little girl is about to turn 7 and my SINGLE (besides me of course) boyfriend just moved in with us - we're discussing marriage and him adopting her. He knows everything and is incredibly supportive and kind. Her grandmother does still see her and, though she and I don't have the closest relationship, she has seen how much work I've put in to self improvement and agrees that my daughter is better off with me. She has met my boyfriend and approves of him (though we have yet to tell her about the potential adoption, which I myself am still iffy about). I do not consider myself 100% healthy of course, but I wouldn't call myself broken either. The point is - if I can pull myself out of that hole, you can most definitely pull yourself out of yours. Keep posting. Even if you sometimes feel like you're being piled on, it's only because people care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @SpiceCat I am so incredibly sorry for all of your heartbreak. But so glad you have found happiness again with a single man! You are an inspiration! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @SpiceCat I am so incredibly sorry for all of your heartbreak. But so glad you have found happiness again with a single man! You are an inspiration! Thanks love. You, me, NaiveWoman, and all the rest of the OW/OM/BS/etc who are hurting - we can ALL get to a happier place. It IS possible! Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Thanks love. You, me, NaiveWoman, and all the rest of the OW/OM/BS/etc who are hurting - we can ALL get to a happier place. It IS possible! I believe that! And I hope some day when you feel the time is right you might share your OW story. Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 What happen in my marriage happened so long ago that I never even think about it unless I read on LS or some other site something that that reminds me very briefly. I have had a truly happy marriage . 53 years and counting. We still hug and kiss and say "I love you" several times a day. (You never get too old for some things) You say you want to be free of this and focus on your husband and family. Then I will say this. If your affair rekindles, or another starts, please tell your husband. He will also deserve to be free and focus on a new life. I do believe you want a new beginning with your husband and you are demonstrating that want. Being a man, I will say that a good chunk of that new beginning will start in the bedroom. I truly do wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 op, I don't think you're broken, at least not permanently. Look at the progress you've made, and you continue to do so. A permanently broken person wouldn't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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