Does it sound like my boyfriend is ghosting me?

[nodramallama]

If he is dodging getting back to you, it could be the start of resentment brewing and drive a wedge between you guys. Since this is a one off, I wouldn't worry about it all. It's when seeing less of each other over time becomes a pattern that I would want to address things.

 

Maybe you could message him back and say something like, "On second thought, I have some things to do so how about we just plan for (either Friday or a day next week)?"

 

And then make other plans.

 

I only see my bf 2-3 times a week and we live 15 minutes from each other. He has outdoor hobbies that are very important to him (and his mental health ) that are weather dependent, so when work and weather open a door, I encourage him to go even if it means postponing our regular plans.

 

It means SO much to him that I do this and he shows his appreciation big time when we are together.

Edited February 21, 2019 by nodramallama

[Rockett]

I agree with the drama-less llama-

 

I was with someone for a while who would schedule our time together- 2x per week (even though we lived nearby), only for a certain # of hours. He was very busy with work, as was I. I wasn't too happy about it, and I started to feel like OP does, very nervous when our time was ever cut back, or when we didn't keep to our schedule.

 

In OP's situation, I suggest taking a longer-term view of things, and to try to deal with the in-the-moment anxiety. Yes he's changed plans, and it doesn't feel good. But, if you are looking to find out how committed he is to the relationship, the only way you can do that is to let him fly free and keep your expectations (and communicate them if needed) that you see each other 3x on "normal" weeks. Judging by his consistency and the length of your relationship, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to see that he does value your time together as much as you do- but, and this is a big BUT- it really is important to give people the time and flexibility they need to meet their other needs (friendship for instance) in the relationship. Without that freedom, people feel stuck or smothered.

 

Don't let your worry get the better of you- he is committed to the relationship, but it's your turn to be a bit flexible. Later on it'll be his turn, and don't you want him to be understanding?

[elaine567]

I think your fears are justified and he is on the slow fade...

[Lexxi]

Since he never responded last night to my text telling him it was up to him on the day, and suggesting we could do both days, can I text him today? Say something like “I’m assuming since I never heard back from you, it’s a no go.”

 

***Update: He just responded this morning saying “yeah, I’ll let you know how Friday turns out”.

When last night, it’s what he suggested in the first place. But after I mentioned the Wed or Thurs, he did say one of those days might work better. I’m assuming since it’s in the middle of the week and he won’t be as tired as the Friday is the end of a long work week. Plus he works half day Saturday. But does this sound like he really doesn’t even want to spend time with me at all?

 

Elaine, what makes you think he is pulling the slow fade? I’m hoping that’s not the case.

Edited February 21, 2019 by Lexxi

[olivetree]

Do you think you might feel better if your relationship was more balanced and you weren't always available when he is?

I suggest every now and then that you go ahead and make plans with your gfs or even just yourself without worrying about when you will see him.

 

I am guessing you don't do that because you are feeling anxious due to him changing up the routine.

Basically, you should also change up the routine every now and then.

[Redhead14]

Elaine, what makes you think he is pulling the slow fade?

 

I'm thinking that Elaine was being a little facetious?? Meaning that it appears that your radar is up for some reason and that you think there is some "bad" reason for the change up.

 

 

I think you're a little trigger happy and over sensitive to possible issues at this point. Has he been giving you the feeling that he's not all in anymore or is this just a one off situation that's a little different? If it's not a pattern, I wouldn't stress over it or pull on him. If he's going away, he's got things to do. Getting ready for a fishing trip takes a little time and planning a couple of days ahead.

 

 

 

You cannot expect to have a rigid and non-flexible schedule forever. Stuff happens. Coordinating with friend's schedules is also a factor. Most of the guys are apparently available that day. No biggie.

 

 

 

I think you should chill out and let him get back with you about whether you two can see each other before he leaves and if he can't so be it. Make some plans for yourself. See if he gets back onto the usual schedule after this. It's not like he's been blowing you off a number of times recently is it?

 

 

 

How long have you been dating him? I don't remember if you told us that.

Edited February 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

Am I being unreasonable?

 

Yes you are.

 

anything you strangle will eventually die.

 

Let him have a weekend to miss being around you. Let some mystery build back up.

[Lexxi]

Elaine, what makes you think he is pulling the slow fade?

I'm thinking that Elaine was being a little facetious?? Meaning that it appears that your radar is up for some reason and that you think there is some "bad" reason for the change up.

 

 

I think you're a little trigger happy and over sensitive to possible issues at this point. Has he been giving you the feeling that he's not all in anymore or is this just a one off situation that's a little different? If it's not a pattern, I wouldn't stress over it or pull on him. If he's going away, he's got things to do. Getting ready for a fishing trip takes a little time and planning a couple of days ahead.

 

 

 

You cannot expect to have a rigid and non-flexible schedule forever. Stuff happens. Coordinating with friend's schedules is also a factor. Most of the guys are apparently available that day. No biggie.

 

 

 

I think you should chill out and let him get back with you about whether you two can see each other before he leaves and if he can't so be it. Make some plans for yourself. See if he gets back onto the usual schedule after this. It's not like he's been blowing you off a number of times recently is it?

 

 

 

How long have you been dating him? I don't remember if you told us that.

 

We’ve been together 5.5 months. And apologies, I guess I wasn’t clear in my first post, but his fishing trip really isn’t a trip. Apparently it’s with one other guy and they are going somewhere local, renting a boat in the afternoon, and returning the same day. That’s another thing... why wouldn’t he suggest seeing me that night after he returns? I guess I can keep asking myself questions and keep making myself more and more anxious. I just hate the feeling.

 

I know I should not jump the gun. This is just a one off... certainly not a pattern. But I think I would’ve taken it better if he would’ve told me, then acted more like he still wanted to see me and suggest another day, instead of suggesting AFTER I mentioned that sadly that would mean we wouldn’t see each other for almost two weeks. It was after I mentioned that, that he texted with the suggestion of Friday. I accepted, and mentioned Wednesday or Thursday, then he said “that might work better.” So I suggested why don’t we just do both. He doesn’t respond until this morning to that, saying he will let me know how Friday looks. So now it appears he’s wanting to retract his offer for Friday and opting for the Wednesday or Thursday. Makes me feel like I’m only good enough for the “one or the other day” option. Not good enough for him to want to see me both days.

 

I did text him back though, I just asked if Fridays still typically don’t work for him. I asked him this because we have only seen each other maybe on two Fridays the whole time we’ve been together due to the fact he gets home early evening and works the following day. We have always seen each other Saturdays when he gets off work anyways and able to spend more time together. But I’ve never been against seeing each other Friday, he just very rarely suggests it. So I did text him that, then just straight up wrote that I somewhat sensed a little bit of hesitation with with the days and know he’s busy and did not want to overwhelm him so we will just see each other when we can. Perhaps he took offense to it... I’m not sure, because he hasn’t responded to that. Just wanted to tell him that I felt that way.

Edited February 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lexxi]

Yes you are.

 

anything you strangle will eventually die.

 

Let him have a weekend to miss being around you. Let some mystery build back up.

 

Is that a possibility he would even miss me though, given his attitude of not caring whether he even sees me or not?

[Redhead14]

You gotta stop having conversations via text. Really. Why can't you just have a phone call and sort things out and hear his voice and get a better sense from him. Texting is such a communication cop out.

 

Don't bug him anymore about this and see what happens after. In the meantime, make plans with your friends for Friday/the weekend

.

After 5.5 months you shouldn't be doing all these mental gymnastics over schedules and whether he's pulling away or anything like that. If you are, it means there's something else going on that's tweaking your radar, not a fishing trip.

 

 

 

But I’ve never been against seeing each other Friday, he just very rarely suggests it.

 

 

This sounds to me like you're kinda thinking about "prime real estate" in dating. Days that are reserved for "special" dates, peeps. What do you think he does on Friday nights?

[Rockett]

Makes me feel like I’m only good enough for the “one or the other day” option. Not good enough for him to want to see me both days.

 

 

Please don't make this guy your self worth-o-meter...

[stillafool]

If I were him I would feel pressured by you. If the guy spends all day fishing with his friend they are probably going to drink. I'm sure he doesn't want to have to rush home and shower, sober up to see you. I don't see anything wrong with going a weekend or even a week without seeing each other. It's not the end of the world. Don't you have friends you want to see?

[Redhead14]

Still a Fool is right.

 

Makes me feel like I’m only good enough for the “one or the other day” option. Not good enough for him to want to see me both days.

 

Lexxi, you are really blowing this out of proportion. If this guy has been good to you, making you happy the majority of the time in the last 5.5 months and going out of his way to see you even though there's distance, you need to get this anxiety under control.

 

Guys can sense when a woman has a stranglehold on them. It's not fair to get your panties in a wad over this when it sounds like he's been a straight up good guy all along. Don't ruin it with 'tude.

 

For you to be thinking this way over a one time, deviance in routine, it can't be about this situation. Is there something else going on that you haven't mentioned?

[BaileyB]

I’m assuming since it’s in the middle of the week and he won’t be as tired as the Friday is the end of a long work week. Plus he works half day Saturday.

 

But does this sound like he really doesn’t even want to spend time with me at all?

 

Why are you constantly trying to assume what he is thinking and why he is/is not making plans with you...

 

My goodness, you are a lot of work! I know he doesn’t really realize how much you are overthinking every little thing he does/does not do because you probably haven’t told him... but, if you start to pressure him in this way to prove that he wants to spend time with you/too prove that he loves you... he will not want to spend time with you.

 

You are going to drive yourself crazy and eventually ruin what may well be a very good relationship for you. Chill out!!

[clia]

Honestly, you come across as so needy and anxious on here that it makes me wonder how you are coming across to him.

 

And apologies, I guess I wasn’t clear in my first post, but his fishing trip really isn’t a trip. Apparently it’s with one other guy and they are going somewhere local, renting a boat in the afternoon, and returning the same day. That’s another thing... why wouldn’t he suggest seeing me that night after he returns?

 

As mentioned, maybe he's going to be drinking all day on the boat with his friends and thinks he may not be up to going out. Or maybe he and his friends might want to grab burgers and beers after they get off the boat and he wants to leave his evening free to hang out more with them. Sometimes with things like that it's more fun to leave everything open and see where the day/night take you.

 

I guess I can keep asking myself questions and keep making myself more and more anxious. I just hate the feeling.

 

You really need to stop overanalyzing everything. Please, please plan full day and evening for yourself on Saturday with your friends so you aren't sitting around all day wondering about him. Do not text him at all that day unless he texts you first.

 

It was after I mentioned that, that he texted with the suggestion of Friday. I accepted, and mentioned Wednesday or Thursday, then he said “that might work better.” So I suggested why don’t we just do both. He doesn’t respond until this morning to that, saying he will let me know how Friday looks. So now it appears he’s wanting to retract his offer for Friday and opting for the Wednesday or Thursday. Makes me feel like I’m only good enough for the “one or the other day” option. Not good enough for him to want to see me both days.

 

I don't really know what to think about this. On the one hand, it could just be that he rethought Friday and decided Wednesday or Thursday would be better. Or on the other hand, it could be that he is starting to pull a slow fade and really isn't that interested in seeing you.

 

IMO, you should pull back for about the next week. Make plans with your friends for Friday night. Make plans with your friends for Saturday. Stay busy. Text him only when he texts you first.

 

I did text him back though, I just asked if Fridays still typically don’t work for him.

 

Ugh...this just feels suffocating to me.

[Whodatdog]

If someone did to me what you are doing to him, Id do a fast fade. Why does each week have to be exactly the same? He likes to go do stuff, when he gets a chance to, let him go. Be flexible.

[kendahke]

Is that a possibility he would even miss me though, given his attitude of not caring whether he even sees me or not?

 

 

You won't know until you make yourself scarce and see if he arses himself to find out why. Why are you so afraid to do that?

 

If you can't figure out how to self soothe and occupy yourself when he makes plans with friends, then this 5.5 month relationship ain't going to see the 6 month mark. You can survive a weekend without being up under him... you used to didn't know him and could do it, so what's up now?

Edited February 21, 2019 by kendahke

[Lexxi]

Thanks everyone. I know it’s coming across from me posting, that I’m coming off as very intense and suffocating towards him and I assure you, this isn’t the case. I’ve only suggested to him last night to see each other the two nights but didn’t push it. I also said it was up to him. I didn’t bother him after that even though I didn’t hear from him until this morning I’m which I responded to that. And my response wasn’t even bad (?) I just asked if thpucally the Fridays were still tough for him and that I sensed hesitation. I didn’t badger him or nag with lots of questions. I also just said in that same text that we would just see each other when we can because I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I didn’t know that was a “bad” response but apparently it is since he never responded to that. And I’ve left it alone, have not bothered him about it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This day of the week thing is you overreacting.

 

 

But..your intuition tells you that something is not right. Your other threads confirm this. You are anxious over every minor detail that in isolation is meaningless. However deep down you know that he is not as into you as you are into him.

[d0nnivain]

I have always looked at it this way:

 

In the beginning of the relationship you need to check with each other to make plans to see each other. If you haven't heard from the person you assume that you don't have date.

 

At some point that script flips & you assume you have a standing date. Once you reach that point, you need to inform your partner in advance that plans changed so they have the option of making alternate arrangements for themselves.

 

You two reached the standing date assumption but he wasn't courteous enough to give you a heads up. That is not fatal so simmer down. Do suggest to him that if he wants to do other things on your regular date night to just let you know so that you can avoid hurt feelings like the ones you are experiencing. If he starts to make a habit of blowing you off that is a different issue.

[stillafool]

Thanks everyone. I know it’s coming across from me posting, that I’m coming off as very intense and suffocating towards him and I assure you, this isn’t the case. I’ve only suggested to him last night to see each other the two nights but didn’t push it. I also said it was up to him. I didn’t bother him after that even though I didn’t hear from him until this morning I’m which I responded to that. And my response wasn’t even bad (?) I just asked if thpucally the Fridays were still tough for him and that I sensed hesitation. I didn’t badger him or nag with lots of questions. I also just said in that same text that we would just see each other when we can because I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I didn’t know that was a “bad” response but apparently it is since he never responded to that. And I’ve left it alone, have not bothered him about it.

 

That doesn't require a response from him

so I would leave him alone until he contacts you next.

[Lexxi]

Well he just wrote back saying he just doesn’t want to waste my time on a Friday because given the long work week, he is usually exhausted quite early, and followed it with a

 

Not sure if that’s just an excuse, but he has mentioned something like this a couple of months back to which replied that I never feel that way. That I enjoy my time with him. And I said it again this time. He then replied telling my I was so sweet to say that...

 

I guess tomorrow is out of the question, he doesn’t seem into it. So it looks like I will have to wait until next week to see if he brings up seeing each other then.

[kendahke]

Well he just wrote back saying he just doesn’t want to waste my time on a Friday because given the long work week, he is usually exhausted quite early, and followed it with a

 

Not sure if that’s just an excuse, but he has mentioned something like this a couple of months back to which replied that I never feel that way.

 

He was reiterating what he told you a couple of months back that you apparently blew off--apparently, quiet Fridays are preferable to him than spending them with you. You need to quit deflecting that and think on what he said.

 

That I enjoy my time with him. And I said it again this time. He then replied telling my I was so sweet to say that...

 

...and that was your pat on the head.

 

I guess tomorrow is out of the question, he doesn’t seem into it. So it looks like I will have to wait until next week to see if he brings up seeing each other then.

 

Yep... looks like. You have a lot to think about over the next 7 days.

[Lexxi]

He was reiterating what he told you a couple of months back that you apparently blew off--apparently, quiet Fridays are preferable to him than spending them with you. You need to quit deflecting that and think on what he said.

 

 

 

...and that was your pat on the head.

 

 

 

Yep... looks like. You have a lot to think about over the next 7 days.

 

What do I need to think about in the next 7 days? Sounds like you’re wording this like I’ve completely lost him and/or I’ve don’t something very wrong. Can you please elaborate?

[angelfire138]

Others have made some good points, but I'm of the opinion that if you guys have a standing date, then it's on him to let you know ASAP if he needs to reschedule. Sounds like you're pretty flexible on switching days, if it's needed.

 

It was similar with my ex. We had a standing date on weekends, and then one day he just told me he was going away for an extended weekend trip with his friends and told me last-minute. I was upset because I felt like I was left hanging without enough time to make other plans, talked to him about it, and after a couple talks, he started telling me that things come up, sometimes he wanted to be with his friends or had something to do with his family, but he learned to tell me as far in advance as he could so I could make alternate plans.

 

My advice? If you feel like this isn't just a rare incident, and that something's not right and/or he's pulling away, do the same thing. Back off for a bit and create some distance. Make plans for yourself, or with family/friends/coworkers. If you chase him, it'll only make him more distant. Life does happen, and as somebody who hates last-minute change in plans, I'm learning to be a little more understanding when emergencies come up.