Does it sound like my boyfriend is ghosting me?

[edgygirl]

My guess is she wanted to show off the new boyfriend at the work function and not show up single/by herself (that's why she was so stressed about this Tuesday date!). That's how a woman thinks, and I know it as I am one

 

Same reason she's sucking up to the things he's doing and keeps sending texts even with no response... not only for the work function, but because she's terrified he will abandon her as things were going so well (in her view).

 

Why didn't you bring up him ignoring your texts since that was what you were so pissed off about. I see you let him skate on that one.

[clia]

I think OP is overreacting. Timeline, if I'm understanding:

 

• She stays at his house Saturday night, leaves Sunday, he tells her he looks forward to seeing her Tuesday, all is well.
  
• Sunday: She texts him a couple photos, he responds.
  
• Sunday: She texts him good night, no response.
  
• Monday: She texts him, he responds.
  
• Monday: She texts him "everything ok?" because she thinks his response is short, no response.
  
• Monday: In the evening she texts him again, "what's up...", no response.
  
• Tuesday: In the morning he responds and tells her he's been stressed, they are still on for that night.
  

 

We are talking about a day and a half where he wasn't responding as quickly as she would like. While I agree a change in behavior can be a red flag, he hasn't exactly left her hanging for days, and IMO you should expect communication to change as a relationship progresses. It's also not unheard of for a guy to need space after a lot of together time (her staying over Saturday night), especially since she said this guy is a big introvert. Maybe he just needed to decompress and didn't feel like texting. It wasn't more than 24 hours that he didn't respond and he told her he'd been stressed out. Maybe just give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he just needed some space and when she started questioning him "everything ok, etc." he just didn't want to deal with it right then.

 

I think OP should drop the entire issue, see him tonight, and see how he acts toward her in person.

[stillafool]

Update: he responded this morning to my text I sent him last night. He said “sorry, I’ve been a little stressed out. I’m good. Thanks for asking.” I replied saying I was sorry he was stressed and wanted to know if he was still planning on joining me this evening. I’m going to a work function out of town and he is supposed to join me. He replied with “yes, I’m still planning on it.”

 

This guy sound bored and half hearted about going tonight but he knows all hell will break loose if he cancels.

[Redhead14]

Clia, gosh, you are right. It seemed like it was much more time than this to me. Yes, she is overreacting to a spectacular degree!!!!!

[frus69]

No no OP you are doing it wrong. Be straightforward and Text him something like" If you are not feeling it, tell me and I will move on. "You need to let him know you are not buying this slow fade BS and you dont waste your precious time on him!

If you make that point clear, show him you have value and options and he will lose you, I guarantee he will come running back if he actually wants you.

Dont keep texting him "how are you, are you ok, are you stressed, sorry you are stressed, is there anything I can do" ..he will not tell you the truth by that and will continue throwing you BS excuses like " so busy with family" ! Then he will continue ignoring you and you will keep on wondering" what is up, am I overreacting", and this is never gonna end.

[Lexxi]

Clia, gosh, you are right. It seemed like it was much more time than this to me. Yes, she is overreacting to a spectacular degree!!!!!

 

Ok, perhaps this does sound like I’m overreacting, given the short timeframe. But when you look at how distant he is compared to how he was before, I just can’t help but worry. This is a shift in his behavior.

[Kellens]

Ok, perhaps this does sound like I’m overreacting, given the short timeframe. But when you look at how distant he is compared to how he was before, I just can’t help but worry. This is a shift in his behavior.

 

I do not think you are overreacting AT ALL. He is pulling away. I thought you jumped the gun at first but something in your gut was right. And you are NEVER wrong for expressing that you're not getting what you need from a relationship. Reading through this thread I was getting upset for you. Always trust your gut. This guy isn't invested. Another poster (I think RightonDude) said that he did the same thing to a couple of women when he was no longer interested and he used the same "super stressed" and "busy" excuses like your boyfriend. If he needs "space" from you when you guys barely spend any one on one time together, then I would give him all the space he needs and say goodbye. Do you really want to keep on feeling so insecure and anxious every time he pulls his disappearing act? It's not worth it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think OP is overreacting.

 

I agree.

 

OP, he didn't respond to one goodnight text, if I understand correctly. Maybe he read it and then simply got distracted with something that needed his attention. Maybe he was simply feeling down about something and didn't feel like he needed to reply immediately. It's not like he's been ignoring you for days on end. He didn't "go MIA" or "pull a disappearing act" for more than, what, a few hours? Good grief.

 

He's been distant, sure, but you say in the same breath that you know he's been having some family issues. That could also explain why he's not immediately soothing you and assuring you everything is fine and being perky in his texts; he's obviously got something else on his mind and probably assumes you're more secure than you are.

 

I personally think you need to realize his behaviour is not always reflection of how he feels about you, and the chill the heck out. You can't read his mind, and he can't read yours. Talk to him when you see him rather than making assumptions.

[Morello]

I think one of the best analogies of what texting in a relationship should be like is the 'tennis match' one.

 

You hit the ball and then it's the other's turn to hit it. You send ONE message and forget about it until the other replies. Anything more than that will come as needy and clingy and desperate.

 

I think OP was right to feel a bit off when he ignored the first message. Maybe he had a good reason to have done that. But by messaging again and then again before he replied, she probably gave this needy vibe and made him become even more distant.

 

Some people might call this a 'game' but in the end it's only setting boundaries and self-respect. It doesn't matter if you do that our of your own nature or if you kind of have to fight internally against the urge to send those additional messages. Just because there's anxiety going on, it doesn't mean that you have to act on it.

 

I was guilty of those additional messages in the past under the disguise of "i care", or "maybe she's sad and I should insist on the contact", or even "maybe the message didn't go through". They were all my anxiety in disguise. It was great when I finally realised what it was, because then it helps to not act on it. You identify the anxious feeling and it's kind of like a ghost. When you look at it for what it is, it disappears.

[lana-banana]

1) Prior to this past weekend, who usually initiated texts? Was it him, you, or was it evenly split?

 

2) Has he not texted you at all (i.e. he only responded) since?

[Redhead14]

Ok, perhaps this does sound like I’m overreacting, given the short timeframe. But when you look at how distant he is compared to how he was before, I just can’t help but worry. This is a shift in his behavior.

 

No, it's not a shift until it's happened a couple of times in a row at least. He might just have been having a bad day/moment, whatever. You are overreacting right now. You cannot expect someone to act exactly the same all day, everyday for an extended period of time.

 

Don't pull on him for little blips or you will find that he will become really distant. This is not being distant -- yet. You need to observe for a little while now. Make note, but don't assume.

[Lexxi]

1) Prior to this past weekend, who usually initiated texts? Was it him, you, or was it evenly split?

 

2) Has he not texted you at all (i.e. he only responded) since?

 

It was evenly split. He would text random, sweet good morning or good night texts, check in during the day. I would do the same.

 

And correct, he has not texted first, just responded to mine. Last text was this morning when he responded to the one I sent last night, and I asked if he was still joining and he said yes, he wasn’t planning it.

[bathtub-row]

Hey, Lexxi, how did things go last night?

[Lexxi]

It went great, thanks for asking. At first, it appeared he wasn’t going to come because of something he had to deal with at work. He called me when he was at the site to let me know he wouldn’t make it due to that emergency and he was just going to head home afterward. He later texted and asked if I was still at my team dinner, then said he would be going to grab some fast food. I responded telling him to enjoy and have a good night, that I wished I was able to see him but I understood he had work related issues to deal with. A couple minutes later he said he was coming after all.

 

So we had a great time, just stayed in the room at the venue I was having my work function at and we both left for work this morning.

 

I’m still trying to learn how he operates, as I’ve mentioned he’s quite the introvert and sometimes too much time with someone could burn him out. I mentioned to him again if he’s free and wants to see each other tonight to let me know and he just said “I will”. I understand I just spent time with him, but if we don’t see each other tonight, then all we have is one more day next week when we can see each other because those are the days we both don’t have our kids. Otherwise it won’t be until the following weekend. I hate to not see him for that long. But I’m trying to understand he’s going through some issues right now. I talked to him last night about it and just expressed I wasn’t feeling too good about him ignoring my texts. He said he didn’t ignore them and I had to remind him that he did. And also brought up that if he felt like he no longer wanted to see me, that he would just come out and tell me if that was the case. He said he would if he was feeling that way. He said he’s being this way right now because of everything going on and he doesn’t want to dump things on me, and sometimes the way he copes is just not wanting to communicate, and he sort of shuts down. This conversation wasn’t a stressful one, it was light-hearted. We were just laying in bed cuddling while talking about it.

 

When we parted ways, he just held me and told me he had such a great time. But no plan of when we would see each other again.

[Morello]

"Let me know if you wanna hang out tonight"

 

"I will"

 

Are you really ok with having someone pretty much rule your life like that? So, again, you're gonna be waiting for (if) he calls. The way you describe your dinner and this other interaction doesn't sound at all like he's interested in you. Sounds like he's just playing along while it's convenient for him.

 

If you don't start respecting yourself a bit more, he'll keep walking over you until he finds someone better (or with more self-respect).

[hippychick3]

He just seems so lukewarm, OP. Wouldn’t you want someone who was crazy about you and made you feel like he was excited to see you? You need to feel like you deserve that. This whole relationship seems too riddled with anxiety for good reason. He doesn’t seem too invested and his communication is terrible.

[bathtub-row]

I, of all people, totally get needing alone time. I also know the difference between ignoring someone and not ignoring them. He, on the other hand, seems to be conflicted about the definition of that. For me, it’s much easier to say that I’m really not in the mood to talk right now - will get back with you later. If I don’t do that and if I don’t comment at all, that’s called ignoring.

 

Well, if you’re happy with the way things went, then I suppose that’s good - until the next incident. I get it that you both have kids and all but he seems very blasé about this relationship. Instead of you leading future meet-ups, why don’t you let him steer the ship. Constantly instructing a man about things shows that you’re either insecure or that you don’t trust his judgment, or both. Let’s put it this way, most men don’t have to be prodded about when they’re going to spend time with someone they love.

 

I think you’re subtly pushy and it’s backfiring on you. You believe in your heart that if you don’t push him, then he’ll disappear. The problem with that is that you never feel secure that it’s you he really wants to be with. It’s like getting pregnant on purpose in order to trap a guy into marrying you. You may succeed in getting him to marry you but you’ll always wonder if he would’ve chosen you of his own free will.

[stillafool]

OP, did you guys at least have sex?

[PinkPampies]

Op

Regarding all of your previous threads about this guy, they all follow the same pattern.

 

Basically since you’ve met, you’ve had anxiety about him not reaching out to you more and the frequency of his texts. I don’t see how this pattern suddenly changed as you’ve stated. It seems to be the same pattern since the beginning.

 

It seems like you are way more invested in this than he is. There are many wonderful therapists and medications for anxiety that will help you, because this seems to be on your mind all the time it’s not healthy for your mind.

[edgygirl]

He seems to be giving you emotional breadcrumbs... are you really okay with that? I know you must be thankful right now that he didn't leave or so, but it seems that you should be thinking about how much he's really invested in the relationship (or perhaps he has emotional issues he hasn't worked on and it's not directly related to you). I have a feeling you're not ready or willing to do that though.

[damni]

You are his 'meh girl' he likes you, finds you attractive but something is missing. I been there before with many guys before I met my current boyfriend.

 

His lack of initiative to contact you and to set up dates is vey telling. He is only hanging around because you are so persuasive, I would have stopped pushing him at this point because of my pride...yet your still going.

 

If a man is into you, he be texting you, he be pushing for exclusivity then as the months go by...for you to be his girlfriend. He certainly be asking you out on dates! he not be ignoring you.

 

You can hang on, and at the moment your hanging by a thread! but this 'relationship' WILL END. He just needs to grow some balls to end it, he is obviously a coward.

 

I give it 2 weeks.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just don't think you two are compatible, OP.

 

You have very different relationship and communication styles and you have been anxious and insecure about him from the beginning. This is going to be problematic.

[toomanyquestions123]

Egh, OP, i can feel you concerning getting used to a certain communication pattern and that pulling away and acting like nothing is happening. I think something personal is happening with him that is not related to you, is what making him act this way. But at the same time, i dont think he wants to break up or something, if he does, he wouldn't come join you on Tuesday.

 

I believe you should withdraw a little, let him do the initiation this week, stop starting any conversation, let him call and text you first just for the upcoming few days, even if days passed and he doesn't talk, dont. Maybe if you do, that would answer your questions...

[curlygirl40]

I read this whole thread expecting some closure in the end! lol

 

Lexxi how is it going?

 

Not sure at this point if any of this will be useful because it's likely, by now, that there have been new developments. But here is my 2 cents

 

I am 100% with you that it's not always the 'ignoring the texts' that is the anxiety provoking behavior, it's the change in pattern. That's what happened. Yes it was just one or two texts, yes it was just one day. But it's out of character for how he's been mostly for 4 months and I do typically think that this means something.

 

You need to remember that sometimes people love differently than you love. Like maybe he's doing the best he can and his pattern isn't at all indicative of how he feels about you.

 

I do feel like you are driving the bus here. You need to lean back a little and see what he does. One of my favorite sayings in regards to dating is 'stop rowing and see if the boat still moves'. You need to put down the oars and wait to see what happens. You are too anxious and doing all of the rowing. When you don't give a man the opportunity to step up, you won't see how he really feels about you.

 

Yes it sucks when you have done the math and realize that there is just one day that you will be able to see each other in the next week because of your kid schedules and he didn't make plans with you for that day. If he's so clueless that he lets that day go by and now it's another week before you can get together, then let that actually happen and see if he misses you and then starts to pay more attention and doesn't let it happen again.

 

A man who is crazy about his gf shouldn't let that much time go by without wanting to see her. IMO. And if he does, because his needs are different than yours, is that o.k with you? Again you need to realize you have choices here too. He shouldn't be calling all of the shots here. It's unattractive.

 

Yes maybe he likes you in the same way and he's all in and his behavior is because he's stressed, etc. The question shouldn't be 'does he still like me?' the question should be 'Will this work for me?'. You are more anxious, he is a little avoidant. Sometimes those personalities don't go well together.

 

Take back your power and decide if this is the kind of relationship you want. You don't want to be in a relationship where you spend a lot of time wondering how he feels. He shouldn't leave you guessing. Yes it might not be intentional, but that's what's going on. Maybe your personalities and your dating styles just don't mesh.

 

Food for thought.

[Curiousroxy86]

What do you all think?

 

.

 

When it comes to being unsure if he is still interested the simple solution is to fall back and let him initiate. If he doesn't initiate you have your answer. And need to focus on someone else. If he does well nothing to worry about in this area

 

Second thing. Can you accept the amount of communication as is? Like if he doesn't change a thing would this be a boyfriend that you want? If the answer is no then your going to need to communicate to him how you feel. I wouldn't bring it up until you fall back and see if he still comes towards you though. If he starts initiating and showing you he is still interested maybe give it a few consistent dates where he clearly pursuing you then you can talk to him like "hey hun I really enjoy spending time with you and look forward to our dates. I would really like it if I heard from you more during the week. I love it when a man calls (insert the frequency you like). Would you be willing to do that for me? *kissy emoji*. What man that likes you wouldn't oblige to a request like that? If he doesn't respond favorably you got to cut him loose (if you really can't accept his level of communication).

 

Lastly how long are you willing to be in non gf status? If this is a problem for you then you need to determine a timeline that you can live with being in this status to give him time to ask on his own and when that time is up you need to communicate that as well (if it's important to you). "I really enjoy the time we spend together and I know we already agreed that we are not seeing other people but it's important for me to know if you consider me your girlfriend. I want to be in an exclusive relationship where the guy I am with claims me as is girlfriend. How do you feel about?" See what he says. If he doesn't respond favorably you got to cut him loose.

 

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want from men (sweetly) and finding out if they can or can't deliver. You need to know whether your wasting your time or not.

 

If it were me and it's been two months and he haven't asked for exclusivity, he not talking to me in between dates, and his interest in general seems to be waning? I would cut my losses and find someone else. But the above is for you to think about based on what your personal standards are.