Does it sound like my boyfriend is ghosting me?

[Curiousroxy86]

Im personally more strict on guys who interests and efforts decline because I'm a big believer in the fact that women shouldn't have to guess if a guy is in to her or still cares

[Hopeful30]

How can you use 'boyfriend' and 'ghosting' in the same sentence?

 

I'm sorry my friend, but someone who ghosts isn't a boyfriend. It's a man you though could be a boyfriend but turned out to be some guy who doesn't know how to be a proper man.

[Lexxi]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all the replies. I just wanted to share an update...

 

Things are still on, he didn’t ghost me like I had thought he would. Since our last meet up, we have seen each other once (we both had that following weekend with our kids), so this was all we could do. We enjoyed Monday evening together, he took me to dinner and we just watched a movie until we both had to go to work the next morning. Communication has been consistent and we will be seeing each other Saturday.

 

I think what this all boils down to is our completely different communication styles. He has always been sort of robotic/straight to the point in texts, while I’m more warm. He hasn’t ignored a text since, so perhaps these were just overlooked, plus he had his kids. When we are spending time together, he is very warm, very affectionate, attentive, holds my hand, will just hold me in the middle of the night close to him and fall asleep that way. When we wake up, I’ll be getting ready for work and he will have a cup of coffee ready for me when I’m done... just these little things that shows he cares. I just have to suck it up and realize this is just how he is. He said he hasn’t felt this serious about anyone since his divorce 4 years ago, maybe this is how he has always communicated. My insecurities may be valid, but I think I just need to concentrate on how he is when we are physically together and not take it to heart when he seems somewhat cold via text. And as far as me suggesting a day when we see each other, I’m ok with it because maybe he’s not much of an initiator. Because he jumps right to it and says yes when it’s mentioned. Hope I won’t have another “bad” update soon.

Edited January 23, 2019 by Lexxi

[stillafool]

Glad to hear it Lexxi. I wish you guys the best.

[bathtub-row]

Good to hear! Maybe as long as you keep in mind that he communicates that way, things will be easier for you when you feel he’s being too clinical. I hope it all works out for you. And it bodes well that there has been distance between his divorce and this relationship.

[frus69]

Why dont you just tell him what your communication preference is, and he may be willing to make an effort for you, ya know? And you wont need to be insecure anymore!

[Lexxi]

I told a couple of months back. He stepped it up a bit, then reverted back to the way things were. There were times I didn’t hear from him for 2-3 days.

 

Then when we finally had the relationship talk a few weeks ago, told each other we are exclusive, in a relationship, bf/gf, committed, etc. there had been daily communication. I definitely like it more now than I did a month ago, but I realize it will never be the way I want it to be.

 

Actually, it’s not even so much the frequency anymore... please tell me if this is petty and really not anything to worry about, but back in Sept/Oct, when we first started seeing each other, his texts were sweet and enthusiastic- hey beautiful... had an amazing time with you... you are amazing, etc. That didn’t last. His texts became more like he was talking to a friend with a nice “can’t wait to see you” every once in a blue moon. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we became official- I started getting those texts again... “Good morning beautiful, can’t wait to kiss you today.” “Good night, sweet dreams.” Etc. That lasted a couple of weeks and again, back to just normal friendly texting with the occasional “can’t wait to see you”. Or yesterday when I told him I couldn’t wait to see/kiss him, he did reply saying he could definitely use some my kisses as he was having a bad day. But the “amazing”, “good morning beautiful” texts are gone.

 

Do you all think this is actually cause for concern? Or maybe it was just the thrill and excitement of first seeing be during the beginning, then making things official, now he doesn’t feel the need to text like that? Would you not think this is a big deal?

[SophieG]

Do you all think this is actually cause for concern? Or maybe it was just the thrill and excitement of first seeing be during the beginning, then making things official, now he doesn’t feel the need to text like that? Would you not think this is a big deal?

 

Same thing happened with my boyfriend. Amazingly sweet in the beginning then it was less and less. I was concerned at first, but I just think that once the relationship was more « secure », he didn’t really felt the need to send those. I realized that my texts have been a little less warm too and more to the point (although not as much as him). His behavior towards me hasn’t changed, we’ve increased the time we spend together... so I stopped seeing it as him being less interested.

So if I were you, I’d do the same thing. He’s texting you? Initiating conversations? Calling you? Spending time with you? Don’t overthink the lack of endearments in his texts, it doesn’t mean anything IMO.

[frus69]

No I dont think that's a cause for concern at all

[MaleIntuition]

Actually, it’s not even so much the frequency anymore... please tell me if this is petty and really not anything to worry about, but back in Sept/Oct, when we first started seeing each other, his texts were sweet and enthusiastic- hey beautiful... had an amazing time with you... you are amazing, etc. That didn’t last. His texts became more like he was talking to a friend with a nice “can’t wait to see you” every once in a blue moon. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we became official- I started getting those texts again... “Good morning beautiful, can’t wait to kiss you today.” “Good night, sweet dreams.” Etc. That lasted a couple of weeks and again, back to just normal friendly texting with the occasional “can’t wait to see you”. Or yesterday when I told him I couldn’t wait to see/kiss him, he did reply saying he could definitely use some my kisses as he was having a bad day. But the “amazing”, “good morning beautiful” texts are gone.

 

Yes petty and doesn’t even remotely correlate with true feelings or whatever. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I could write an algorithm that sends cute messages with random frequency. It means nothing. Especially if it’s a lot early on: it has to stabilise at some point...

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lexxi]

Ok, so I’m starting to feel insecure/anxious again and I want to get some thoughts from you all on whether or not it’s reasonable that I’m feeling this way...

 

We will be seeing each other tomorrow, which is great, and I’m so excited to see him. I feel like I’ve been the one the past few days to send the first text just to say hello, good morning, sort of just check in. We usually do one or two exchanges and that’s it, so certainly not overbearing of time consuming. I know he had been going through some family issues and things should be settled by next week so I reached out to him yesterday to say hello and hope he’s having a great day, I’m here is he needs me, needs to vent... I miss him, etc. He did respond saying thank you and that he appreciates me and that he misses me too and can’t wait to see me Saturday (tomorrow). I love hearing this from him. That was mid-morning yesterday.

 

Last night, I expected to at least have received a text from him, a hello, a good night text. Something he used to send. Nothing. I thought maybe i might hear from him this morning as I typically receive a good morning, happy Friday text, just checking in. Nothing.

 

I know we are seeing each other tomorrow, but sometimes this makes me feel like he doesn’t even think about me. Is that reasonable? Do some guys just believe these texts/calls don’t matter if they know they’re already seeing their gf? I’m just wondering what your thoughts are and if this is just nothing to worry about. I feel like he doesn’t really think about me or miss me sometimes.

[PRW]

I know we are seeing each other tomorrow, but sometimes this makes me feel like he doesn’t even think about me. Is that reasonable? Do some guys just believe these texts/calls don’t matter if they know they’re already seeing their gf? I’m just wondering what your thoughts are and if this is just nothing to worry about. I feel like he doesn’t really think about me or miss me sometimes.

Well, this is about the 112th message in this thread. I had totally lost the context and there is no way I am going to try to read the whole entire thing. So I went back to the original message.

 

My conclusion from that is that the guy is acting exactly like a guy that has his life in order should be acting. But you are going to ruin it if you aren't careful. I think you have had your perspective warped from the over-pursuing and neediness that just about every other guy out there is guilty of doing. There are so many screwed up guys out there that "screwed up" looks "normal",....and "normal" looks "screwed up". The guy you have is "normal" according to what normal should be. Learn to appreciated it.

 

When you see each other next time just tell him you would like to hear a little more from him. Don't brow-beat him with it,...keep it a "positive" thing.

[SophieG]

Please calm down with the texting and reaching out. So what if he didn’t text you last night and this morning, it is no indication that he isn’t thinking about you. I think about my bf and talk about him often, but I don’t text him everytime I do. He has a job, hobbies, friends... things to keep him occupied other than you.

You’re overreacting for nothing. You’ll see him tomorrow. His behavior towards you will be a much better indicator of his feelings than his texting habits. By being too needy, you’ll end up driving him away, and then you’ll say : « I knew something was wrong, I felt it », but it will happen because your insecurities led to that outcome. Basically, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[stillafool]

Lexxi you are acting too needy. He is busy and expects to see you on Saturday. He may think taking a day off from texting, talking is okay since he's going to see you tomorrow. Why is this a problem? Also no one can keep up the sweet talk indefinitely.

[bathtub-row]

Stop texting this guy and stop being so clingy. You’re over the top here with expectations. Forget the good morning and good night texts. Reset the clock on this relationship because the dynamics have changed. It’s not necessarily a bad thing it’s just that it’s hard to keep up that level of communication. Let the guy miss you. Let him wonder what you’re doing and wonder why you’re not texting. Just lighten the hell up.

[hippychick3]

You clearly have very different communication styles and needs. It's already been established earlier in the thread that he is a horrible communicator. No matter how good your "in person" dates are, that is not going to change how he is in between dates. I, personally, have not dated anyone semi-seriously who didn't contact me daily. But, others feel differently about this. It's very individual. If you want to continue seeing this guy, you'll have to accept his lack of consistent communication. But, you'll need to really fill your life up with other things (friends, hobbies, work, family, etc.) and be busy. Otherwise, this anxiety is going to overwhelm you.

[PRW]

Forget the good morning and good night texts.

Yes, especially that. Those are horribly annoying.

[Lexxi]

Thanks so much guys. I really needed to read these. I guess I’m so set in thinking that if your bf doesn’t even have the desire to “check in” (I hate using that), or using those words of affirmation, that he doesn’t think of me or think I’m worth it.

 

Last night I was thinking of our plans for tomorrow and want to take him out somewhere nice for his birthday, a place he really loves but is about 30 minutes from his house, and we both need to dress up. We have to make reservations if he’s up for it, which I’m sure he will be, but... I would have to reach out AGAIN. Since I’ve been the one doing that these past few days, I don’t want to come across needy as you all have mentioned. Sad that I have to hesitate to reach out to my bf about these plans for tomorrow because I risk looking needy and annoying.

[bathtub-row]

You clearly have very different communication styles and needs. It's already been established earlier in the thread that he is a horrible communicator. No matter how good your "in person" dates are, that is not going to change how he is in between dates. I, personally, have not dated anyone semi-seriously who didn't contact me daily. But, others feel differently about this. It's very individual. If you want to continue seeing this guy, you'll have to accept his lack of consistent communication. But, you'll need to really fill your life up with other things (friends, hobbies, work, family, etc.) and be busy. Otherwise, this anxiety is going to overwhelm you.

 

I agree with this. Anyone I’ve ever been in a serious relationship with has communicated with me daily. However, the daily texts - especially the morning and night texts - is a little much. I prefer direct communication and it would annoy the heck out of me if someone expected texts from me at given points in the day. Having said all that, I really wouldn’t take anyone seriously if we didn’t talk frequently. OP, accept that this is the way this guy is, or go find someone else.

[damni]

I agree with this. Anyone I’ve ever been in a serious relationship with has communicated with me daily. However, the daily texts - especially the morning and night texts - is a little much. I prefer direct communication and it would annoy the heck out of me if someone expected texts from me at given points in the day. Having said all that, I really wouldn’t take anyone seriously if we didn’t talk frequently. OP, accept that this is the way this guy is, or go find someone else.

 

Yes I agree. I would find it very difficult to be with someone who expected me to initiate all contact and would happily go days without checking in with me.

 

Lexxi, it has only been three months. If you are not happy, then you should revaluate this relationship. If you are chasing a man then that is never a good sign.

[SophieG]

Thanks so much guys. I really needed to read these. I guess I’m so set in thinking that if your bf doesn’t even have the desire to “check in” (I hate using that), or using those words of affirmation, that he doesn’t think of me or think I’m worth it.

 

Last night I was thinking of our plans for tomorrow and want to take him out somewhere nice for his birthday, a place he really loves but is about 30 minutes from his house, and we both need to dress up. We have to make reservations if he’s up for it, which I’m sure he will be, but... I would have to reach out AGAIN. Since I’ve been the one doing that these past few days, I don’t want to come across needy as you all have mentioned. Sad that I have to hesitate to reach out to my bf about these plans for tomorrow because I risk looking needy and annoying.

 

I don’t think you have to hesitate, especially if there’s a reason to contact him (like needing to know if he’d be okay with this plan). But I think you should stop expecting cute and romantic texts throughout the day. Just be happy when he’ll send them because they’ll be true, and not just because he feels he has to tell you those things. From what I understand, you are in daily contact, just not as often as you wish.

[rightondude]

jesus at first I was on your side but wow at the texting and constant need for re-affirmation. If you truly NEED this then tell him your NEED this, this is what he should expect and how he should reciprocate, and let the chips fall where they may. Either he works for you or he doesn't but at least you're not driving yourself crazy.

 

If you have a quick question (re: birthday) just call him up real quick. Explain it in a voice where it makes more sense, shows enthusiasm and there's no reading between lines and crap. Enough with the texts.

 

At first I thought this guy was pulling the gradual fade and I still fully expect him to do so once you finally explode from not having your needs met.

[Lexxi]

Sorry guys, hate to revive this thread but I just had a question to ask you all. Since this is my first relationship since my divorce, I’m still trying to determine what you would consider acceptable vs. not acceptable, because I’m sure you all can sense I have a high level of insecurity to begin with. I figured you would all have a better sense for sure.

 

Is have to say things are still progressing nicely. Things have been slow of course due to the custody/work schedules and distance, but despite the hiccups, we are still getting along very well. Almost at the 5 month mark now. Last weekend, he invited me to his friend’s birthday dinner at a restaurant and I was introduced to about 20 of his friends which felt good as I thought in the beginning he wasn’t ready to integrate me yet. This all get wonderfu, but here goes my question to you all...

 

I asked last weekend, after he left my house the following morning of that dinner celebration, to let me know if his plans (those family/legal problems) don’t interfere with his day Wednesday (today), and of so if he’d like to get together. He had an appointment. He said definitely, he would keep me in the loop. Monday, we talked on the phone about those issues again as it’s very heavy on his mind. I told him I was here for him, etc and he said he would know more about today’s plan with the two of us as the other matter got canceled.. Yesterday, no mention of it. Finally this morning he mentioned he was called to take his son to a baseball event and wouldn’t be home till evening. I took it as he was telling me tonight was a no go. So I just told him I was looking forward to it but next time, and to have fun tonight Then he said since he couldn’t see me tonight, if I would be up for meeting him for lunch today. I said sure. A couple hours before lunch, he texted me saying he didn’t have full responbilities with the son tonight and he would be home at a decent time. I figured that was a random text as an invite for this evening after all. So I just confirmed- So tonight is a go? He said yes! Want to grab dinner later? I answered yes. Meanwhile, I’m still thinking we are on for lunch. So almost 1.5 hours later, 1pm rolls around and I’m starving, waiting for him to text me when he leaves the office so we can meet for lunch (this is our normal printing if we do meet). He finally texts, which appears to be a response to me accepting to see him at dinner tonight.... “I’m heading back to xxx then (city 60 miles away where another one of his offices is located, closer to his house). I have to skip out on lunch today, I haven’t gotten any news yet about (family matter) and I’m getting anxious.” I told him no worries and I’ll see him tonight.

 

I know he skips out on a lot of his lunch breaks, he works so much but my paranoia makes me wonder if he ended up going to lunch on his own or with someone else and just didn’t have the common courtesy to tell me. He’s never bailed out last minute. One thing I learned here on LS is not to jump to conclusions and it’s not much to fuss about if it happened once. Best to wait if a pattern is established. So what do you all think- is his something I should bring up tonight or not risk sounding like I’m nagging? Apologies again guys, I’m still trying to “learn” what would typically be acceptable (minor) and what would be a deal breaker.

 

What I did appreciate though, is the fact that he reached out to let me know his night would be more open so I can see him. Which is actually better than lunch cause then I would only have that hour to meet him then we head back to work. With dinner, I get to visit him, have more quality time, stay there until we head out for work tomorrow morning.

[bathtub-row]

Why didn’t you just clear it up when it happened? Like around 12:30 or 1:00, why not say hey I think we got our wires crossed, are we not having lunch after all?

 

I don’t know about this guy. Are you sure he’s not seeing someone else?

[Lexxi]

Because that’s typically the time we have lunch. He texts me around that time to say he’s leaving the office and he’ll see me in a few minutes. Except this time, he texted just to say he’s not doing lunch after all.

 

I honestly don’t think he’s seeing anyone else. We see each other the nights we don’t have our kids and he devotes his Saturdays/Sundays to me. Of course I could very well be wrong because it’s always a possibility.