Does it sound like my boyfriend is ghosting me?

[frus69]

If it were me, I'd just ask him if lunch were still on. Yeah I don't understand why you didn't do that..

Also I don't think it's a big deal even if he went on lunch by himself. Cuz he's gonna see you tonight anyway, why does it matter if he had lunch without you

[JuneL]

I’m going to be very blunt here. Truth be told, it’s pretty tiring reading your posts. You sound like a scared little deer. This latest episode was probably a very minor misunderstanding: He was probably trying to see if you could meet in the evening instead of lunch. You’ve complained much about how he communicates things with you; after reading your posts with one recurring theme, does it occur to you that you’re not exactly the best in understanding what he’s trying to communicate? Of course you’re starving at your usual lunch hour; just grab something quick to eat yourself. Btw, I found your making a big about not wanting texting him to discuss the place to take him to bday dinner pretty ridiculous, too.

[Mrs._December]

I know we are seeing each other tomorrow, but sometimes this makes me feel like he doesn’t even think about me. Is that reasonable? Do some guys just believe these texts/calls don’t matter if they know they’re already seeing their gf? I’m just wondering what your thoughts are and if this is just nothing to worry about. I feel like he doesn’t really think about me or miss me sometimes.

 

 

This entire "relationship" has been YOU keeping it going. It's been YOU constantly obsessing about him - when you're going to hear from him again and when he's going to answer your texts and if he's going to stand you up and if he's going to break up with you and if he's needing his space and has something occurred to make him so distant, and him, him, him.

 

No wonder the guy puts just about zero effort into this relationship. He doesn't have to do anything because he knows YOU'RE constantly making enough effort for both of you and you'll be the one obsessively texting him until he finally feels like answering.

 

And as far as his sweet texts that both times only lasted 2 weeks, all you were seeing was him taking a little more time to be sweet. But it's NOT who he is and that's why both times it didn't last longer than a couple of weeks. Because it was fake and he was just doing it to please you.

 

You've made ridiculous excuse after excuse for his continued ignoring of you and your texts and it's just sad to read. You've used every excuse in the BOOK to justify why he probably couldn't text you - because he had his kids or was busy at work or it was Christmas or you had your kids, he's an introvert and blah blah blah. You're not going to tell me that it's impossible for someone to take 20 seconds out of their OH so busy day to send someone a text just reaching out to connect and say hi. Sorry, but I call bull**** on that one.

 

I don't understand why you're so willing to continually lower your expectations and standards just to continue clinging to this guy at all costs. I don't it but there has to be a payoff or you wouldn't do it. I can't even begin to see what that would be, though. He brings nothing positive to the table (unless frustration, insecurity, disrespect and constant obsessing about him is positive?)

Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend changes plans all the time because he has a son and his parenting responsibilities change, usually based on his exwife. It happens. What you have described sounds like total miscommunication. In his mind, he was free to go back to the original plan - he probably had some work to do and it likely never even occurred to him that you would want to see him for lunch AND dinner.

 

Respectfully, you need to get some help for your anxiety. If anything ruins this relationship, it will be YOU. You are now FIVE months into this relationship - have you not decided yet whether this guy is trustworthy? And, if he is trustworthy, you need to make peace with the fact that the relationship could still end at any time — but, YOU WILL STILL BE OK.

 

This constant anxiety about whether he is lying to you and/or whether he is committed to you and/or whether you should trust him... you need to either follow your gut if it’s telling you that something is wrong or let it go. I’m not saying be stupid and ignore huge red flags... if he is making time for you and asking you out, if he says what he means and means what he says, if he is kind to you and you enjoy being with him... then continue to date him. See what happens. But, at some point, you are going to need to trust him and stop this insessant worry...

Edited January 31, 2019 by BaileyB

[c1nderella]

I am in no shape or form the right person to give you any advice because i never follow my own. I am actually going through a similar situation as you but only a little over a month in.

 

Just wanted to say i understand that anxiety you get and the need to reach out because you like this person and want things to work out so badly and without realizing it, you do all the work so he wont have to stress about anything.

 

Im very intuitive and know most of the time know how to read people but i give them the benefit of the doubt. I start getting insecure when when things feel "off". I start analyzing every text every in person conversation to the point where i get so irritated and stressed and dont even want to be at work because i want to go home and figure out where things went wrong. I start thinking i should have done things differently from the very first date and maybe should have worn pants instead of a dress lol....yeah very small things so i understand exactly how you feel.

 

I was watching this dating coach on youtube last night who mentioned that some guys are lazy and they might come in "hot" and tell you what they think you want to hear for the first couple of weeks but as soon as they see you like them they relax and become "cold". They allow you to do all the work and you plan everything, you do the texting/calling for them. He says that even if hes acting like this doesnt mean the guy will be like this in the relationship long term. This distant thing hes doing isnt a personality trait. If he is very interested he will put in the work. Now if hes aggressive, and abusive and mean you will end up seeing it later on the relationship. To me your guy is putting more effort into you than the guy i was seeing was putting towards me if that makes you feel better lol.

 

Goodluck and keep us posted

[edgygirl]

I’ve said it before but will say it again

 

Both OP - and I believe you too - might be in the insecure attachment style spectrum.

 

Over analyzing, thinking your intuition is right even when you’re obsesssing about a small change in behavior, or details of what they said and done, hypersensitivity and feeling too often that things are off... all hallmarks of insecure attachment. Read on it.

 

I’ve been there as both of you specially when it’s someone I like who’s more on the avoidant side... (they trigger all our insecurities!) and it all makes sense now. You will get why you’re so anxious about relationships and it will be easier to start working on it.

 

Securely attached people don’t go through this obsessing about every irrelevant detail nor they overthink like this. The good thing is one can change their attachment style.

 

Im very intuitive and know most of the time know how to read people but i give them the benefit of the doubt. I start getting insecure when when things feel "off". I start analyzing every text every in person conversation to the point where i get so irritated and stressed and dont even want to be at work because i want to go home and figure out where things went wrong. I start thinking i should have done things differently from the very first date and maybe should have worn pants instead of a dress lol....yeah very small things so i understand exactly how you feel.

Edited February 1, 2019 by edgygirl

[SophieG]

Securely attached people don’t go through this obsessing about every irrelevant detail nor they overthink like this. The good thing is one can change their attachment style.

 

I’m sorry but that’s untrue! I have a secure attachement (just like about 60% of the population)... let’s just say I studied the topic in university. I’m exactly lile the OP but that’s because of my anxiety, not my attachment style (since all my childhood experiences were positive and I have the most loving and caring mom).

You have to keep in mind that about only 10% of the population has an anxious-ambivalent attachment, so it doesn’t apply to everyone that is anxious and overthinks in relationships.

Edited February 1, 2019 by SophieG

[edgygirl]

I didn’t say they are for sure insecurely attached, I said they should read about it look at the symptoms and understand the theory to see if they identify. And of course if so, go to therapy and get diagnosed. It brought light to MY issues, so I like sharing as it can take decades for someone to bump into it. If they ever do. It doesn’t hurt to read about it.

 

I also don’t think attachment theory is the only possibility here, of course some people have other psychological issues which includes anxiety.

 

The funny thing is for 4 decades I also thought my parents were loving. I still do. BUT I also did some work and realized insecure attachment comes from ages 0-5 where there’s no way you can know if they nurtured your emotional needs as they should have. It’s a very complex thing to do, so it’s not about being “loving” or not. My mom was also a super professional woman and I grew up with nannies. I am quite sure I was emotionally neglected but not on purpose. What I’m trying to say is, sometimes what we think about our family and caregivers is not exactly accurate.

 

I read a lot about it and most places say 40-50% of the population are insecurely attached so not sure where your 10% came from. See below. Please provide a link if you have.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-trust/201404/study-shows-40-us-kids-are-insecurely-attached

 

I’m sorry but that’s untrue! I have a secure attachement (just like about 60% of the population)... let’s just say I studied the topic in university. I’m exactly lile the OP but that’s because of my anxiety, not my attachment style (since all my childhood experiences were positive and I have the most loving and caring mom).

You have to keep in mind that about only 10% of the population has an anxious-ambivalent attachment, so it doesn’t apply to everyone that is anxious and overthinks in relationships.

Edited February 1, 2019 by edgygirl

[Killerqueen-19]

I am sorry but you ARE seemingly exhausting and stressful and I would feel that way too if I was him. He sounds like a normal man who gets busy and cant spend every moment of his days making sure he replies to every single text in a timely manner.

It's also only been 4 months and I have read numerous times from you now how "hes never done this before" or "a change in behavior. Lady its been 4 MONTHS, of course there will be times where he will do things hes never done before.

I'm also assuming this man has a job and you said kids..

5 hours not replying is child's play. I've been with my husband for 7 years and even at the beginning we would go maybe a whole day without texting because we have jobs, families, friends etc and we aren't looking at our phones 24 hours a day.

You need to stop and relax and not assume every moment of his day is thinking about you're next plans. He has no idea you are so stressed about this stuff. He seems perfectly content so please dont bombard this man with problems that aren't there.

[SophieG]

I didn’t say they are for sure insecurely attached, I said they should read about it look at the symptoms and understand the theory to see if they identify. And of course if so, go to therapy and get diagnosed. It brought light to MY issues, so I like sharing as it can take decades for someone to bump into it. If they ever do. It doesn’t hurt to read about it.

 

<SNIP>

 

The stats are in my school books and in French ahah! But about 60% of children had a secure attachment and 9-10% an anxious ambivalent one. And insecure attachment impact all social interactions (friends, parents, etc.) not just love relationships, and my insecurities are only in the latter.

And my mom was 1.5 years alone with me at home and my parents relationship was going great when I was born. My younger brother on the other hand, displays behaviors of an anxious-ambivalent attachment (which would make sense since my mom was not fully available for him and his needs since she had her own struggles at the time).

Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SophieG]

But we’re getting out of the topic! Back to OP and her overthinking brain (welcome to the club my friend)!

[edgygirl]

I don’t think this is necessarily true - I don’t have problems with friends or my parents siblings ie. I have problems with relationships as well. Maybe work conflict when there’s stress, but usually with 1 out of 300 people I work with in a company, when I feel they’re morally crooked or so.

 

I still think everyone who obsesses about minutia in relationships should have a look into attachment (40% is a high number for a population to be insecurely attached) and other psychological issues. Can’t do no harm to check.

 

And insecure attachment impact all social interactions (friends, parents, etc.) not just love relationships, and my insecurities are only in the latter.

[c1nderella]

Updates? Lol ?

[Lexxi]

Things have progressed with my bf quite a bit and hints have been so wonderful. He has been great with communication and wanting to spend time with me. He’s finally brought me around his friends, shows me through his actions how much he cares about me.

 

Given our distance, work schedule, time with our kids, we only see each other 2-3 times a week with most being overnight visits. We have a routine and typically the Saturdays we don’t have our kids, we spend together. Well I had just texted him some idea about this weekend, I assumed we would see each other as this is how it’s been the past 5.5 months. I was surprised to receive a response saying he planned to go fishing with some buddies. I know it wouldn’t be fair if I got upset because I know he has a life, but also, the day next week, during the week that we would typically see each other is a no go as well because he has an important family affair going on. I just saw him today, but this would mean he is totally ok to not see me for almost two weeks. I responded with this, that this would mean we wouldn’t be able to see each other all this time but wished him a great time as I knew he had not gone on one of those trips since before we started dating. He did respond with an alternate day this weekend, and I appreciated that. It just wouldn’t be a date like the Saturday date would be.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I’m just wondering if I’m expecting too much at this point. It’s not like he does this all the time so it’s not a pattern. I’m not freaking out about it, I just love spending time with him any chance I get.

 

I do have friends and typically spend time with them during the days I don’t have my kids and he has his. I guess I jumped the gun thinking I would see him and started planning something special. So that’s why I reached out and asked him about it.

Edited February 21, 2019 by Lexxi

[Flame Aura]

You are over thinking this and bordering on becoming unreasonable yes.

 

Re read your post. It's so clear that he has given you his full attention so far. If he wants to spend one Saturday with his buddies then let him. Be the girlfriend that understands. That's what us men want.

 

He has also suggested an alternative day to meet. If that day doesnt work for you then it doesn't work and you see each other when you can.

 

Dont start thinking negatively as there is no reason to be as it sounds like he is making you happy.

[Blanco]

I wouldn't make too much of it. Not enough people give enough attention to their friendships after they're in a serious relationship, so it's refreshing to hear when someone is still willing to strike a balance.

[Lexxi]

Thank you. What bothered me as well, was that I accepted his suggestion so we were going to see each other on the alternate day. Then I also responded saying that I was also looking forward to the day next week as well but given his plan for the family function during the day, that I figured he would be tired from that. So now he responds with “oh, that actually might be better instead.”

 

I asked him to just clarify and let me know what he prefers. We would usually see each other Saturday and Wednesday or Thursday. He suggested Friday instead of the Saturday. But I’m here assuming that since he just suggested the Wednesday or Thursday, that I would be able to see him on those two days (Friday and Wed or Thurs). Which is typical. But I think what’s bothering me is that now, to him, it’s one or the other. Like he doesn’t want to see me both days. I’m not asking for much. We see each other every 3-5 days, but now if he’s not wanting to see me all weekend, it will be a week. Would this mean I’ve dropped down again on his priority list because now he’s not seeing me both days? I suggested it and no response yet.

[basil67]

I'm confused. He said he'd do what you want - so why not say that you don't want to be that long without seeing him?

[BaileyB]

He said he'd do what you want - so why not say that you don't want to be that long without seeing him?

 

Good question. You seem to say “it’s fine,” when really, you have an unspoken expectation. If you want to see him on a certain day, tell him that.

 

It’s entirely fair that he would want some time to spend fishing with his friends. The relationship is not “new” anymore, he has many commitments that take his time, you need to give him some space to do his own thing... he probably doesn’t want to see you on both days. He has other things he wants to do...

 

The problem here is that it is a significant amount of time between “visits.” I get that, I have the same problem with my boyfriend who is a single parent, we have work commitments, we want to spend time with our families/friends, or we get sick. C’est la vie. It’s not ideal, it just is what it is when you are dating at this particular stage of life. Try not to overthink it too much. The time will pass and you will that much more excited to see each other when you next get together.

Edited February 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[Lexxi]

I did tell him initially that I didn’t want to wait almost a couple of weeks to see him. That’s why he suggested Friday. Now it appears he’s changing his mind to Wednesday or Thursday but he didn’t confirm it. He just said it might be better. So I replied basically just telling him it was up to him but threw it out there to just do both (Friday and the Wednesday or Thursday). Because that’s what we’ve always done. It’s always been the Saturday and Wednesday or Thursday so why not now? He seems to be only wanting one or the other. Like this time, he doesn’t want to see me both days. After my suggestion of both, I have not heard anything back so it’s still up in the air at this point. I just don’t know why he would want to go with our normal routine of a weekend night (overnight) and a midweek night (overnight). It’s now just one or the other.

[Simple Logic]

From a guy who leaves his wife to go hunting 3-4 weeks each fall, scuba diving a week in summer, and maybe another weekend away, you are being unreasonable

 

Things have progressed with my bf quite a bit and hints have been so wonderful. He has been great with communication and wanting to spend time with me. He’s finally brought me around his friends, shows me through his actions how much he cares about me.

 

Edited February 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

I just don’t know why he would want to go with our normal routine of a weekend night (overnight) and a midweek night (overnight). It’s now just one or the other.

 

Do you watch Big Bang Theory? My boyfriend would ask sarcastically “where in the relationship agreement is it written that we must spend a weekend and a week day together?”

 

I understand that you are disappointed. You are used to seeing him twice a week, but you will only be seeing him once this week. I am used to seeing my boyfriend two nights a week and every other weekend... but, because of several events, I haven’t seen him in a week. Such is life.

 

It is important to be flexible. Both partners need to have time to themselves, to do whatever they so desire, to have a healthy relationship. We will ask each other, “do you need a night to yourself?” To be honest, I’m taking a night to myself tonight. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in almost a week and I won’t see him until Friday night... I stayed with my three nieces and nephews who are all under 10 years of age for the past four days while my brother was away - I am exhausted, I have a cold, and I needed a night to rest. He wasn’t entirely happy, but he understood and he respected my decision.

 

Please, try not to worry. It will be ok.

Edited February 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[Lexxi]

From a guy who leaves his wife to go hunting 3-4 weeks each fall, scuba diving a week in summer, and maybe another weekend away, you are being unreasonable

 

But assuming you live with your wife, you see each other every single day beside those times. I would like to see my boyfriend more than once a week. It just bothers me that he seems to be totally ok with not even seeing me.

[Lexxi]

Do you watch Big Bang Theory? My boyfriend would ask sarcastically “where in the relationship agreement is it written that we must spend a weekend and a week day together?”

 

I understand that you are disappointed. You are used to seeing him twice a week, but you will only be seeing him once this week. I am used to seeing my boyfriend two nights a week and every other weekend... but, because of several events, I haven’t seen him in a week. Such is life.

 

It is important to be flexible. Both partners need to have time to themselves, to do whatever they so desire, to have a healthy relationship. We will ask each other, “do you need a night to yourself?” To be honest, I’m taking a night to myself tonight. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in almost a week and I won’t see him until Friday night... I stayed with my three nieces and nephews who are all under 10 years of age for the past four days while my brother was away - I am exhausted, I have a cold, and I needed a night to rest. He wasn’t entirely happy, but he understood and he respected my decision.

 

Please, try not to worry. It will be ok.

 

I really appreciate it Thank you. It’s good to hear from someone else who doesn’t see their significant other as much. I hear from others and they say it’s unreasonable, but this is coming from couples who live together or those who live a few minutes away from each other, seeing each other pretty much every day. I guess it stings a little that he seems to be totally ok with not seeing me. I don’t even know when he would’ve told me about his plans. Luckily I texted him dropping some ideas about what we should do and he said he had just made plans a few minutes prior. I wonder now if he would’ve waited until last minute on Saturday to tell me. Oh well, I guess I will never know.

 

And here I am, an hour after suggesting to him that we could do Friday and midweek, and no response from him. He’s obviously dodging it.

[damni]

Aren't you two long distance? The traveling may be getting to him.