Mrs._December Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 He's fine. He just wants some space. I respectfully completely disagree with this. He didn't tell her he 'wanted space.' He didn't have any big issues or personal crisis going on when she left his house. he hadn't said ANYTHING about suddenly 'needing space.' She hasn't been dating him for 4 days, it's been 4 months, and in those 4 months, they've established a pattern, as she clearly outlined in her OP. They say goodnight every night and they have a certain way they communicate with each other on a daily basis. When someone is doing that for 4 months straight and then suddenly out of the blue they do a complete 180, of COURSE she has a legitimate reason to worry about what's going on with him. And if he 'needs space' so much, he can ASK her for it rather than acting the way he's acting. Lexxi, obviously something has happened (good, bad or ugly) and it's time to stop with the silly texting and call the man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Lexi, let him be a a man and lead. Wait until he contacts you or he may start to find you annoying. OK...I'm still a newbie and I'm beginning to believe there may be some history here that I'm unaware of... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 The first weekend that my boyfriend didn’t text me much, I was convinced that something was wrong and I was angry at his lack of consideration. I worked myself up and it turned out... he was busy with his son that weekend. I also learned that he hates texting and he loved his little “texting holiday” was a wonderful thing... In other words, I was upset for no reason. This is what happens with relationships - it’s impossible to sustain the same level of communication/intensity as the relationship moves out of the “new” stage. It’s best not to worry, until you know there is something to worry about... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I think something is bothering him that is not related to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexxi Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) If that’s the case, I wish he would tell me instead of ignoring me. This is why I’m feeling insecure right now and wondering if something changed his mind about our relationship. I asked him if everything was ok earlier. He should’ve at least responded to it. Something’s not right. Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) When someone is doing that for 4 months straight and then suddenly out of the blue they do a complete 180, of COURSE she has a legitimate reason to worry about what's going on with him. Yep, you called it. I know because since my divorce a few years ago I have been that man on a couple of occasions. There comes a point, usually after a seemingly awesome time, where reality came crashing down and I said, "do I really want this?" and I knew the answer was no. So I just became distant. I acted nice enough and went through the motions, hoping my inaction would become hint enough that I wasn't into it anymore, or better yet, would cause her to hate me and leave me alone. When pressed, I'd just say I was "real busy" or "super stressed" until ultimately I just copped out and took the coward's way out by saying "I can't be with ANYONE right now." When in truth, I just didn't want to be with that person for the long term, knew it, and couldn't keep pretending. I hadn't wanted to be alone, but suddenly I realized I didn't want to be with/settle for this person instead of being alone. Not my proudest moments and I've tried to avoid being like that since a couple of those experiences. But I recognize the patterns here. Trust me Lexxi, if he's like me, you're going to be better off. Edited January 14, 2019 by rightondude Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexxi Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) So what was your reason as to why you were rethinking things? What transpired? I’m just trying to wrap my head around this because it was literally just hours between our wonderful weekend together, him kissing me goodbye saying he can’t wait to see me tomorrow... and him ignoring by goodnight text. And now today, ignoring yet another one. Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexxi Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 Hi guys, sorry to post again. But I know it was mentioned not to reach out to him tonight because I might annoy him. But still nothing and I’m wondering what your thoughts were if I just waited until tomorrow morning. To see if we were still meeting up. I shouldn’t have to worry about annoying my own boyfriend. All I asked if if everything was ok. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Do not write him. Give him space. How will you feel if he doesn't answer your THIRD message today? How will he feel about you not respecting his clear need for space? The date tomorrow is not that important and you know it. You're only using it as an excuse to reach out because you're anxious. In fact, make other plans with a girlfriend and if he reaches out say you hadn't heard from him so you made other plans. Watch a movie tonight. Take a bath tub. Go for a walk. Your anxiety will kill the relationship. This is not the end of the world no matter what is behind it. RELAX. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 (edited) If I were you, I absolutely would not contact him again until he contacted me. And I wouldn’t care if that took a month. He needs to be the one to pick up the phone - not text - and call you. Lexxi, he knows he’s ignoring you. He knows what he’s doing. Just leave it alone and find something else to do. If he calls you late tomorrow about why you’re not at his house, then tell him you made other plans because you got the impression that he didn’t want you around based on him ignoring your texts. Tell him that on Wednesday or Thursday. Even if that means you sitting at home watching Friends re-runs and eating chocolate ice cream, those are your plans and none of his business. I know you won’t do those things but you should because you’re acting like a doormat and men have no respect for doormats. You need to show him - not TELL him - that you aren’t going to put up with being treated dismissively. While you’re sitting around worrying, download an electronic version of “Why Men Love Bitches”, or “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” and learn something. Edited January 15, 2019 by bathtub-row 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 (edited) So what was your reason as to why you were rethinking things? What transpired? I’m just trying to wrap my head around this because it was literally just hours between our wonderful weekend together, him kissing me goodbye saying he can’t wait to see me tomorrow... and him ignoring by goodnight text. And now today, ignoring yet another one. What transpired was I realized I didn't want things to go further than they had and I felt the need to get out. What may have been amazing may have also made this dude feel like he was getting too deep into something he wasn't ready for or didn't actually want after thinking about his other options or just deciding he'd like to have other options. But I am just projecting from my own crappy behavior. And we can all say whatever either just to sound like we're saying the right thing or just to get away from the situation and deal with stuff later. Words are worthless. Actions are all that matters. And right now this guy is actively not talking to you. Could it be for a legit reason? You'll know soon enough. You will NOT fix it by continuing to reach out to him, no matter if the issue is legit or not, though. There's literally nothing you can do. Your best bet is to take everyone's advice and do nothing. I would suggest not even answering the phone if he calls. Make him sweat if he's come to his senses. I've done it and had it done to me. It sucks. Sorry if it's happening to you; hopefully I'm wrong. Edited January 15, 2019 by rightondude Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I'd say he is going to end it, I've experienced this so many times. If you wait for him to text you, you are going to wait for a few more sleepless night. So why not end your struggle now by texting him something like "I have noticed something has changed and feels like you have changed your mind. It's ok and would appreciate you be honest about it. I don't want to waste our time so if you aren't feeling it anymore I hope you find what you are after". He will either reply immediately saying "sorry but Ive just been busy doing blah blah and I didnt mean to neglect you blah blah" and you can judge from there. Or he will man up and tell you he doesnt want it anymore. Or if he doesnt reply, you know the answer as well. You will save lots of time and energy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexxi Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 I say you’re right, he’s going to end it. I did text him last night once more, at 10 or so. I know he had his kids, so I didn’t call him, and not sure if he was asleep, busy, etc. but it was a quick text asking what’s up. Just said I had texted him earlier asking if everything was ok and that I hoped it was. Nothing. I would think after 4 months I would at least get an explanation. Things were great when we parted ways on Sunday so I am so confused and extremely hurt right now. Link to post Share on other sites
damni Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I say you’re right, he’s going to end it. I did text him last night once more, at 10 or so. I know he had his kids, so I didn’t call him, and not sure if he was asleep, busy, etc. but it was a quick text asking what’s up. Just said I had texted him earlier asking if everything was ok and that I hoped it was. Nothing. I would think after 4 months I would at least get an explanation. Things were great when we parted ways on Sunday so I am so confused and extremely hurt right now. Did you meet up today? So sorry you are going through this. I been ghosted in the past by guys too. With my current boyfriend of 8 months, I am still afraid he will ghost me! You may not feel it now but you had a lucky escape and at least this did not happen later down the line. A man who cannot give you the decency to send a quick text after a 4 month relationship is a coward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexxi Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 Update: he responded this morning to my text I sent him last night. He said “sorry, I’ve been a little stressed out. I’m good. Thanks for asking.” I replied saying I was sorry he was stressed and wanted to know if he was still planning on joining me this evening. I’m going to a work function out of town and he is supposed to join me. He replied with “yes, I’m still planning on it.” I do know he’s been going through some family related issues but ignoring me is just a crappy way to deal with it. I guess people deal with things differently but I’m still not sure if that’s really the case or if he’s lying about the stress just so he can have an excuse as he intends to end it with me. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Rockett Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I think you need to tell him in a matter-of-fact way that when he leaves you hanging like that, it really stresses you out. That you would prefer if he would reply within several hours, otherwise you will begin to worry. But also have a conversation about texting habits. What times work best/worst for each of you? There is no need to have this level of uncertainty in a four month relationship. You owe it to yourself to reduce this source of unnecessary stress in your life. You might also tell him that you have been ghosted in the past, and would like to agree between the two of you that if either one of you feels it's not working out, that you'll let each other know instead of ghosting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I do know he’s been going through some family related issues but ignoring me is just a crappy way to deal with it. I guess people deal with things differently but I’m still not sure if that’s really the case or if he’s lying about the stress just so he can have an excuse as he intends to end it with me. What do you guys think? If you two are in a committed relationship, I think that it is okay to voice your needs and expectations. Ex, "I understand you're going through a stressful time and I'm happy to give you your space. However, I'm not a mind reader, and it stresses me out when you go silent on me and are unresponsive." A good bf would essentially say "you're right, I'm sorry. I should have responded. I will do better next time." Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Unless he’s being held hostage by robbers or is in the hospital, there’s absolutely no excuse for him to behave this way. I don’t know why you keep persisting with the texts. Anyway, if a person wants to end a relationship, there’s a mature and respectful way to do that. He has not chosen that path. I have never been treated this way nor would I accept being treated this way. I have no patience for people like this. If/when he contacts you, I hope you don’t behave like a doormat. If it were me, I might listen to what he has to say and then say, “Great. Have a nice life,” and hang up. And I really hope you don’t ever contact him again. Even to say it’s over. Don’t do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Talk to him. Find out what's been going on and how you've been feeling during the time he's been MIA. You have been spending time with this man for 4 months and intimate. You are entitled to an explanation and to be able to express your feelings. If you are still afraid that having serious communication between you will cause him to bail, there's something wrong anyway. Even if he bails now, it won't be because you communicated with him, it will be because he's not as attached/connected with you want/need him to be. Having a serious conversation won't change his mind. Things are what they are. And, if he says he's not looking to end things, you need to be clear about what you need from him in the future when he's struggling with something and you cannot tolerate being cut out in times of difficulty if he wants to have a relationship with you. Cutting someone out is not a relationship skill -- it's a relationship killer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I just saw your post about his response. If I were you, I’d cancel for tonight. His excuses are lame. I know you won’t do that but that’s what you should do. I guess you have to consider that he’s planning to break up with you tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 To tell you the truth, usually, when someone tells or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may find that they do not have a place to land their craft. Frankly, the text reach out after so long is the killer. A phone call, at the least, might buy my ear. If I were you, I'd tell him you've moved on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 This is a classic “half a relationship”, someone with one foot in, the other foot out. 50% commitment if that. Imagine a bubble that is his life. You are on the outskirts of the bubble and only has his full attention when he’s exhausted everything within the bubble. He’s not seeing you as a priority, he sees you as something separate to what is the main part of his life. Not good enough! I’m like you, divorced, 2 kids, exH doesn’t see them half as much as he should. Naturally I tend to date single dads but the kids (bar one) have lived primarily with their mother. I dated someone like you describe. Brilliant when we were together but the thought of incorporating me (and eventually my kids) into his life? No flipping way. So I told him that actually what he’s offering isn’t good enough for me. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who is willing to intergrate their life with me and who would be eventually willing to open their heart with love to my children. I dumped him and said I’m off to find someone who wants that.. The result: He begged for me back, asked for a park date so our kids could meet and bought me an engagement ring!!!...unfortunately for him I’d closed my heart to him and started seeing someone else. Heed my advice and do just that.You don’t want someone whose not quite sure about you. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 OP, I agree with the posters who say to not bother meeting with him and to move on. I would never have texted him that many times with no response and then have been so nice and forgiving. How incredibly thoughtless and rude to just ignore you with no apology. Screw that. You teach other people how to treat you and you are teaching him to treat you like a doormat by accepting this behavior. Personally, I’d cancel tonight. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Bad sign: he's intentionally ignoring your texts. You should also pay attention to what he's not doing: reassuring you everything is fine, saying he can't wait to see you, talking about how much he wants to be there with you. He knows you are obviously anxious about his lack of responses and he's not trying to make you feel better about it. At this point it seems like he wants you to get the hint that this isn't good. I would either brace for a breakup tonight or expect more of this gradual ghosting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 (edited) Update: he responded this morning to my text I sent him last night. He said “sorry, I’ve been a little stressed out. I’m good. Thanks for asking.” I replied saying I was sorry he was stressed and wanted to know if he was still planning on joining me this evening. I’m going to a work function out of town and he is supposed to join me. He replied with “yes, I’m still planning on it.” I do know he’s been going through some family related issues but ignoring me is just a crappy way to deal with it. I guess people deal with things differently but I’m still not sure if that’s really the case or if he’s lying about the stress just so he can have an excuse as he intends to end it with me. What do you guys think? Why didn't you bring up him ignoring your texts since that was what you were so pissed off about. I see you let him skate on that one. Edited January 15, 2019 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts