Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[BaileyB]

You show him that you want this to work by going to that counselling session. If nothing else, it may help to make the separation/divorce more amicable and easier for your kids.

[S2B]

I'd like to answer some of the questions raised the other day:

 

our kids are definitely his. He covered those bases after he found out about the affair and had genetic testing completed.

 

The frequency of intimacy has been unchanged since marriage, I know he doesn't like it - he's been vocal about it. I had surgery to help make things less painful but its not enjoyable for me. He's suggested other "activities" but i'm not into those and won't do them.

 

Today is officially week 2 of him staying the guest room - he recently came home this morning after being gone over 24 hours. We had a productive talk, he displayed zero emotion and no empathy - he started the conversation with 'I'm not going to pay for two places to live and I've been looking at apartments in the area". He was all over the map in what he was saying but I get the gist of it:

 

• He wants to officially sell the home, split the proceeds 50/50 and live separately but not impact the kids schools
  
• He wants joint custody
  
• He handed me a card for a counselor he's been seeing and said the next session is on Monday at 1:00. I told him I have a work function and his answer was - you claim you want this to work, I guess I'll see how badly here soon.
  

 

Why give me a card to a counselor while he wants to sell the home and separate it doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I tried to explain my side, apologize, ask if he would pause the items in the list above until we've had more time to communicate but he said no.

 

He also told me not to communicate with him on his upcoming trip that he wanted to take - he clearly said, no calls, no e-mails, no texts - "I don't want to hear from you unless there's an emergency with the kids"

 

I can't bear him moving out, this upcoming trip is giving me all sorts of anxiety, at least he's talking now but he isn't displaying any emotion.

 

How can I help him see I want to try...that there's a glimmer of hope in this?

 

I didn't ask him about the flirting and where's he's been...but its really messing with my head. He would go nuts if I was doing this and not comign home at all.

 

I guess it's done then...especially when he tells you he's got a counseling appointment and your work is STILL more important than your marriage/family.

 

 

Wish him well - this marriage was done long ago... good luck to you.

[William]

I'll close this up to mete out the appropriate rewards and bring the thread back into a modicum of compliance with our guidelines of discussion. For those members who chose to follow our guidelines and not indulge in the pile-on game, we thank you.

 

Update = Moderator ~T did some cleanup and I'll reopen the thread to comment in accordance with our guidelines.

Edited March 10, 2018 by William
Re-open thread.

[Maraud3r]

The frequency of intimacy has been unchanged since marriage, I know he doesn't like it - he's been vocal about it. I had surgery to help make things less painful but its not enjoyable for me. He's suggested other "activities" but i'm not into those and won't do them.

So, sex is unpleasent for you and you are not interested in any other things. Yet you cheated? Also if you did some of the things you refuse to do with him and he knows, this might very well be a contributing factor.

 

Today is officially week 2 of him staying the guest room - he recently came home this morning after being gone over 24 hours. We had a productive talk, he displayed zero emotion and no empathy - he started the conversation with 'I'm not going to pay for two places to live and I've been looking at apartments in the area". He was all over the map in what he was saying but I get the gist of it:

 

I tried to explain my side, apologize, ask if he would pause the items in the list above until we've had more time to communicate but he said no.

I'd say he was communicating for years, he was trying to make this work for years and he's pretty much done now. What more is there to communicate, he tried and it didn't work. He wants change now, you want to keep the status quo.

 

He can force the change and if just by splitting up with you, you can't force the status quo.

 

How can I help him see I want to try...that there's a glimmer of hope in this?

From everything you've told us he tried, for years. Nothing worked, nothing changed and you often found it "oppressive" and "controlling". Even now he actually threw you a life line by asking you to come to one of the counselor appointsments. You refused, you put work and other things first as usual.

 

I hope you do realize this likely wasn't just a life line he threw you, it also helped to prove to him that you do not actually want things to change. You were paying lipservice and you want to keep the status quo. Because the status quo is very beneficial for you.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if the couselor had a hand in that invitation and expected this outcome.

 

I didn't ask him about the flirting and where's he's been...but its really messing with my head. He would go nuts if I was doing this and not comign home at all.

I don't think he would go nuts at this point to be absolutely honest. I think he stopped caring. He's in the process if splitting up and divorcing you. This doesn't seem to have sunk in yet.

 

And with all the clandestine meetings, going out with your friends to clubs and parties, the actual cheating, deleted messages and disregard for your partner. This is basically a milder version of what you've done to him for years, except he has the decency to make it understood that your relationship is effectively over.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Steph, I'm sorry but you are refusing to see the writing on the wall. You are still talking as if your husband is invested in this relationship with you. However, all his actions are screaming at you to let you know your marriage is over and your husband is moving on. He has completely checked out of the marriage. Whether you accept it or not is now not his problem. This is something that I, as an outsider completely unconnected with you and your relationship, was able to assess the moment I read your first few posts. I do not know how you could have been so oblivious to the fact that you were killing your marriage by slow degrees, with every little action you took in disrespecting and disregarding your husband in anything that was important to him. You literally cut your nose to spite your face. Now, sitting in the wreckage of your marriage you are wondering what happened and what went wrong.

 

You are blaming your husband for not being empathetic whereas all through your marriage, it is you who have been guilty of not having empathy for your husband. Forget that, you have not had respect for him in all the years of your marriage. Now in the dying moments of your marriage you are frantically looking for bandaid to apply somewhere to save it from collapsing. All you can do is get down on your knees and pray to the Almighty and hope for a miracle. They do happen especially if your prayer goes out from the depth of your soul. My advice would be for you to undergo intensive IC and maybe psychiatric attention to pinpoint the flaws within you and then work yo rectify those. Even if it is too late to save your current marriage at least you will be better equipped to handle a future relationship successfully. Warm wishes.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Just a Guy

[georgia girl]

You asked him if there was anything you could do and he asked you to come to a therapy session on Monday. Here’s my take on that; if you don’t go, there is no recovery. He will see that you put work before him, your marriage and family and will never forgive. It’s the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. If you do go, I am not sure it will do much, honestly. It may leave the door to reconciliation open a crack, but it may take more work and personal transformation than either of you are willing to put in to save your marriage. Plus, even with you showing up once, it may be too little, too late.

 

The easy way to think about it? Don’t go and there is 0% chance you can save your marriage. Go, and you may have a 5-10% chance. Your call. You own what you choose to do and any outcome from it.

[pheonixrisen]

I don't want to prolong the topic but thought I'd share - my father went out and claims he saw him at a local bar (population is fairly small where I am) and apparently he's talking (flirting?) to other women. So I'm guessing he left here and went directly to the bar (and been there for hours!). Absolutely disgusted. He is still married, ring on finger or not. I obviously told my dad to just leave and not say a word - he assured me he did.

 

This is not his personality, I don't recognize this man now. It just seems he's not the same person I met years ago. I've never seen him like this before - his entire personality is different, around here he seems angry - I thought he was miserable outside of the home and it's a bit of a slap in the face.

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months. I'm now concerned he's been up to other activities recently.

 

I've set my dad up in a hotel and he'll be there tomorrow going forward for a few days.

 

I haven't texted my husband at all and haven't heard from him either. But this crap is festering in my head.

 

What I did clearly was wrong, I don't deny it - I should have communicated it better but what he's doing is also not right. I'm not turning this on him - but two wrongs don't make it right.

 

I'm going to use my EAP program at work and seek counseling, all this crap has my anxiety through the roof.

 

Thanks everyone for their input/comments - even the mean ones.

 

I don't condone this action from a married man going to bar and flirting etc..

 

Having said that if you go a few pages back by your own admission you said he is insecure may be if he has a social life and goes out etc..he would not be at your back for you going out or mingling with exboss one on one

 

What do you think really happens when a man goes to a bar alone or with a group ? The same that happens to women !

 

One is at a giving end of attention and one is at receiving end of attention and then it's reciprocated .

 

Did you not say and I quote I have a few laughs and enjoy the attention I get .and you thought nothing wrong of it

 

Is he now not doing the exact same giving attention and getting it in return enjoying the few laughs and time so why the hypocrisy

 

Why was it not wrong when you were doing it but it feels wrong to you when he is doing it ?

 

Now add this to it try telling him his actions gives you anxiety. Try telling him you are not comfortable with it and see how it feels when he dismisses your feelings as exaggerating and then goes and does it again and again and again and then see what kind of resentment that builds in you

 

I don't want to berate you or sound rude but this is not only about you .you are not trying to save a marriage because if it's down to that both of you are adults both of you will survive and be okay and move on to other people ..you are saving your family fight to save that only if you want .otherwise let him go and you can raise your children together

Living separately .

[Yomachi]

Steph, I don't know if this is advice you want to hear, but I'd take today and tomorrow to decide whether you really want to save your marriage.

 

Because if you thought your husband was already too controlling, trying further will only make you two more miserable. To make it work, he needs to be able to trust you, to be able to trust you there will need to be more control.

 

Judging from your posts, you wouldn't be able to handle that, and you would just sneak around the control, making him more suspicious.

 

I don't think married life is for you. I don't mean that in a negative way, marriage is also not for me. Sometimes we've got to be honest to ourselves.

[pheonixrisen]

I'd like to answer some of the questions raised the other day:

 

our kids are definitely his. He covered those bases after he found out about the affair and had genetic testing completed.

 

The frequency of intimacy has been unchanged since marriage, I know he doesn't like it - he's been vocal about it. I had surgery to help make things less painful but its not enjoyable for me. He's suggested other "activities" but i'm not into those and won't do them.

 

Today is officially week 2 of him staying the guest room - he recently came home this morning after being gone over 24 hours. We had a productive talk, he displayed zero emotion and no empathy - he started the conversation with 'I'm not going to pay for two places to live and I've been looking at apartments in the area". He was all over the map in what he was saying but I get the gist of it:

 

• He wants to officially sell the home, split the proceeds 50/50 and live separately but not impact the kids schools
  
• He wants joint custody
  
• He handed me a card for a counselor he's been seeing and said the next session is on Monday at 1:00. I told him I have a work function and his answer was - you claim you want this to work, I guess I'll see how badly here soon.
  

 

Why give me a card to a counselor while he wants to sell the home and separate it doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I tried to explain my side, apologize, ask if he would pause the items in the list above until we've had more time to communicate but he said no.

 

He also told me not to communicate with him on his upcoming trip that he wanted to take - he clearly said, no calls, no e-mails, no texts - "I don't want to hear from you unless there's an emergency with the kids"

 

I can't bear him moving out, this upcoming trip is giving me all sorts of anxiety, at least he's talking now but he isn't displaying any emotion.

 

How can I help him see I want to try...that there's a glimmer of hope in this?

 

I didn't ask him about the flirting and where's he's been...but its really messing with my head. He would go nuts if I was doing this and not comign home at all.

 

You keep mentioning in several post how can I help him see I want to try

 

But as soon as he offers you that opportunity you shut him down .

 

He ask you to come to a counselor you shut him down with work function

 

Steph how do you interprete things in your head

Saving marriage and at the other end work function . Is it really a question in your head ? Then don't prolong it for you guys let him go .you are not the right partner for him .

 

The more I read pages after pages the guy literally has done everything provided options /solution in all situation ..you have been walking all over him for years ...how the hell did you manage an affair when sex is painful how does one does not want to try other things in the bedroom but is open to affairs .you are not a catch Steph he is .and I am sure most woman in your area would think that

 

Do you even want to save your marriage ? Not because of your ego but because you want to keep your family together .then you fight for it ....that does not mean you fight with him ...you show up and you make your intention clear that you don't want a divorce and you are willing to do anything to save your marriage .

 

And work on your self Steph you are very egoistic you refuse to see your shortcomings and your failures ...your looks will only get you that far after which any man will get fed up .nobody wants good-looking if she is just a empty vessel with no room for growth .

[springy]

There doesn’t appear to be any incentive for this guy to stay in this marriage. He has been neglected emotionally and physically for years. First you say you sex isn’t happening because you’re exhausted when you get home or because of bad timing, then when everyone piles on you it becomes a medical issue... The icing on the cake - you are unwilling to compromise in any way! It’s no surprise he’s so comfortable in the guest room.

 

There is just way too much going on here for way too long. It doesn’t sound like he’s getting much benefit from this relationship at all. Then he invites you to a counseling session and your response is you have to work. Geeze steph, why not just admit that you don’t like your husband and don’t care about what he wants ? That to you working it out means getting back to business as usual? The situation that benefits you and you only?

 

Then you get upset that he’s out doing the very same thing he’s been asking you to stop doing for years. Now you’ve gotten a taste of your own medicine. Imagine this feeling you’re experiencing now over a span of years. The empathy you’re accustomed to receiving has disappeared. Doesn’t feel very good when someone dismisses your feelings does it?

 

Steph...other than “for the kids’ sake” why would he want to stay? He’s got an emotionally neglectful sexless marriage. In what way have you fulfilled his needs, other than your ability to help pay the bills?

 

Just let him go. Once he’s out you never have to have sex again. GNO can still happen when he’s got the kids. It’ll have to be planned. Hopefully you won’t forget you have kids at home and just head straight to the bar..Lunch dates and texts from ex boss or any other guy will no longer need to be hidden or explained. Isn’t that what you want anyway? It really doesn’t seem like marriage is your thing.

[steph1980nyc]

I do believe marriage is for me - the companionship, security, etc., but I don't like this person my husband is becoming.

 

I received a text earlier today from my ex-boss, my husband apparently started an "s storm" by getting his number and speaking with his wife. When I asked my husband, he said "it hurts when someone f's around with your feelings doesn't it?" and had a smirk on his face and walked off.

 

I was in such shock I literally said nothing all his behaviors the past several days are completely unlike him.

 

Believe it or not, I have agreed to go with him to counseling on Monday. I don't know what to expect but I think I'll have a better understanding (I hope) of what exactly he's expecting and what he needs from me. I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?

[BaileyB]

He's angry. He believes that you betrayed him, again... and it's brought back all those feelings that he felt so long ago. He is behaving irrationally right now because he is in pain. Try not to be reactive to everything he says or does.

 

It's good that you are able to go to the counselling session. hopefully, he has found a good counsellor. Best wishes.

[S2B]

He called his wife because he believes you are having an affair. That's why he called his wife - to inform her. What did your old boss (possible MM) say your husband said? And it's interesting your old boss let you know so quickly - how did he word it?

 

Maybe your H can see the exact communication with your old boss? I bet he sees it all.

 

He's calling your bluff on your consistent bad behavior and now you don't like it - well he's been dealing with it forever and you've never made effort to change.

 

If you don't plan to change - don't stay married.

 

You look like you wish to stay married because you like using your husband to make your life easier...that's a crappy reason.

 

Stop saying you don't like your husband's behavior - he's only giving you what you've given him for years.

 

Be ready...counseling may be to announce the marriage is over.

[springy]

I won’t try to guess what his intentions are with the counseling session but you’ll know soon enough. He’s obviously very angry, hence the unusual behavior. One things certain - he’s finally gotten your attention in ways Mr Nice guy couldn’t. I want to be clear that I don’t condone all the acting out but it does seem that after several pages you still don’t understand how you got here. Hopefully the counseling session will be revelatory for you regardless of the outcome.

[Marc878]

He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?

 

You cheated in the past. He suspects it again.

 

Your husband is having buyers remorse and your actions tell him he’s right.

 

Only a weak doormat would stay in this marriage. He’s not controlling. Boundaries especially with a previous cheater are a must. You have none.

 

He’s making his way out.

[Marc878]

Lots of questions in the posts above, if I miss one it's not intentional so please let me know.

 

1) I have tried to use the advice here, i've woken up early and tried to communicate with him. You can tell me all the things to say but he won't talk to me. The only way to get him to talk is to get him furious - but its counter productive.

 

2) I don't want to be single, I love having stability and being a family unit. But...I do recognize that being married doesn't mean you spend 100% of your time or energy there. There's nothing wrong with being able to go out - I think the root of my husband's insecurities is his limited social circle. I think if he had as many friends as I do - he'd want to go out more.

 

3) When I say I'm a catch, I don't mean just looks - I mean someone who is a provider, someone who has several degrees and someone who physically takes care of their appearance and who is attractive. Never said I was a 10. My husband has let himself go a bit and is always so stressed and not nearly as fun. I think thats why I enjoy the lunches or the attention from another male - but its not cheating nor would it come to that.

 

4) Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right? He doesn't want to talk to me or my dad and has made that crystal clear.

 

I tell myself he comes home because there's a glimmer of hope but part of me believes he's done and going through the motions. I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

 

Apparently with your actions your husband feels differently. He’s leaving and you’re doing what? Being the selfish entitled person he shouldn’t have married in the first place. He’s reflecting back and not liking it much

[Marc878]

I do believe marriage is for me - the companionship, security, etc., but I don't like this person my husband is becoming.

 

A marriage on your terms? What’s your H getting out of it?

 

I received a text earlier today from my ex-boss, my husband apparently started an "s storm" by getting his number and speaking with his wife. When I asked my husband, he said "it hurts when someone f's around with your feelings doesn't it?" and had a smirk on his face and walked off.

 

I was in such shock I literally said nothing all his behaviors the past several days are completely unlike him.

 

What do you think your actions have told him?

 

Believe it or not, I have agreed to go with him to counseling on Monday. I don't know what to expect but I think I'll have a better understanding (I hope) of what exactly he's expecting and what he needs from me. I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?

 

He can’t make you do anything but as you’ve found you have zero control over him as well.

 

Bringing your father into the mix didn’t help much. It pushed him farther away. It was as if you did that to get your way. Your H’s feelings don’t matter much.

 

You had an affair but deny sex to your H? This tells him you can have sex just not with him. Your H is reflecting back and projecting that on what his future is going to be like. It sounds like he’s having or getting ready for an exit affair.

 

He’s miserable and not willing to compromise any longer.

 

Let him go.

[BettyDraper]

It sounds like you want to stay married for all the perks and continue to behave like a single woman.

Marriages just don't work that way unless a couple agrees to that kind of arrangement.

[Marc878]

 

Believe it or not, I have agreed to go with him to counseling on Monday. I don't know what to expect but I think I'll have a better understanding (I hope) of what exactly he's expecting and what he needs from me. I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?

 

Hard to say but don’t be surprised if he wants to go over separation or divorce details.

 

Why would he stay in this?

[S2B]

Your husband must have evidence of cheating with the old boss. Why not come clean?

[Just a Guy]

Hi steph, I said this before and I am saying it again. Your husband is done and dusted with this marriage. Do not continue to live in a Fool's Paradise and think that you two can come back from this. You stretched your marriage beyond its elastic limit and now it is irrecoverable. Everyone has their limits. Your husband had a large reservoir of them but you squandered the capital that he gave you and handed him an empty bag to fill all over again. Well guess what? He decided to cut his losses much like a wise stock market investor and that means losing the marriage and you.

 

Please get real. Consult a lawyer about your rights and how to proceed. I am sure your husband already has a head start in the legal aspect of your marriage. All you can hope for now is an amicable divorce and equitable division of assets. Best wishes.

[S2B]

When is he going on his vacation?

[Yomachi]

I do believe marriage is for me - the companionship, security, etc., but I don't like this person my husband is becoming.

 

Ah see, I'm sure marriage has its perks that you enjoy.

But if you take a deep breath and really think about it, do you think you can give up ladies night? Do you think you can give up one-on-one lunches with male (ex-)collegues?

 

Or do you think that deep down you'll resent your husband because you feel like you shouldn't have to give up these things and he's overtly controlling?

 

What we don't seem to be able to communicate: He won't be punishing you for having an affair seven years ago. He forgave that. But he ís punishing you for an affair he's 100% convinced you're having right now. And that seems unfair to you since you're not having an affair, I understand that, but if you look at it from the outside can you see why he's thinking you have an affair?

 

If I can make a silly comparison: You're standing in a blood-splattered room, with a huge cleaver in your hand, and news clippings of people who disappeared taped on the wall. Would it be unfair for the police to suspect you're a murderer?

 

It sucks sex hurts. Vagismus is disturbingly common. Have you seen a doctor for it?

 

I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?

 

Steph, I can see why you need to know where he's been. But bringing that up on Monday is a very bad idea.

 

If you bring up on Monday your dad spotted him in the bar flirting with girls, and you show that made you suspect he's cheating, there are two options:

 

- He cheated. You break it off.

- He didn't cheat, he 'just' flirted. But now he knows that your behaviour of going out, not letting him know where you were, how long you would be etc. etc. is unacceptable, since when he does it it's not OK and you directly suspect him of cheating. He breaks it off.

 

Can't you see he's doing what you've been doing to him for years to give you a taste of your own medicine? Every time you take the bait he carefully laid out for you.

 

What I'd do: Apologize apologize apologize. Tell him Monday that stupidly (use the word stupid) enough you never truly realized how it felt not to know where he was, with who he was etc. etc. Tell him that you never realized how much you were hurting him with your behaviour.

 

If he brings up the deleted texts, be honest: Say that you were being selfish and since you know he doesn't like you having one-on-one lunches with male collegues, but that they're important for your work, you figured that it would be best to still have them, but delete the texts so he wouldn't get uncomfortable. Tell him that again, you now realize how ****ty that is.

 

So personally: Spend Monday being apologetic and displaying humility.

Whether or not he had a revenge affair is a question that should wait if you want to have any chance of fixing this.

 

I don't know how to phrase this, but have you ever been to a psychologist? I'm not a psychologist so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I find it striking that you honestly don't see what you were doing was wrong, until your husband is doing the same to you.

 

Most people I've met like that had some form of autism. They weren't doing anything horrible wrong, so they couldn't figure out why people would get annoyed and insist they made it seem like they were doing something horrible wrong. But again, not a psychologist.

[sandylee1]

In much of what you say and the reasons you want to stay married....I'm not hearing that you actually love your husband.

 

Think really carefully about whether you'd be happier if you got divorced. You liked who he was before...but he's not going to be that person again because you didn't treat him with respect. You ignored his comments about spending lunches with other men.

 

He's not going to be the man who puts up with that anymore...so do you really want to be with the new him?

 

I've no doubt he's sought legal advice on the situation and you need to do the same.

 

Go to the counselling session and just listen to what he has to say. Don't say anything without thinking it through first. He's asked you to attend, so I think he wants to say something to you on neutral ground.

 

Maybe he'll have a list of conditions in order to consider reconciliation...maybe it's going to be letting you know there's no coming back from this.

 

If he's decided there's no coming back, then the separation is just a prelude to a divorce.

 

I personally wouldn't want the uncertainty or to be kept living in hope...if he wants a divorce then give it to him without a fight.

 

He's in a very low sex marriage....when you have sex you or he probably don't enjoy it anyway as it hurts you and he'll know it's duty sex.

 

On top of that is the weekly GNO, not telling him where you are, the one on one lunches and the contact with your Ex boss....

 

If you were him would you honestly stay? What's in this marriage for him? Nothing...apart from seeing his kids everyday and shared bills.

 

That's not enough for him and he's fed up of a miserable marriage, where he's being treated like crap.

 

It's game over.

[Keats]

After cheating with your partner, even a 100 years later, your not allowed to act consistently irresponsible.

 

Even with zero cheating, letting your husband know where you are, whom with, when you'll be back, not deleting and hiding things, is basic human manners.

 

This way you can do most things.

 

But with cheating, amazing that cheaters expect to remain irresponsible, in other aspects of their lives without change lomterm.

 

You put your partner in a prison of trauma for life, when you cheated, yet you expect to live your entitled life. Can't even be bothered with the basics of marriage. No wonder it's ending.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Keats