kgcolonel Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing? I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him. Coming from a male, married 35 years successfully, not always blissfully but faithful on both sides there are several things that occur to me: 1. Infedility, the gift that will give forever to some extent. 2. Why should a husband have to tell you not to do something that you've been told makes him uncomfortable....don't you get it, he wants you to set boundaries that are friendly to the M, not make him the bad guy and mandate to you what you can and can't do. This speaks volumes to him and to me where you value your priorities...you're putting the relationship with your ex-boss ahead of the comfort of your husband, which by the way, you created by cheating on him in the past. It is the job of each spouse to make each other feel safe in the relationship. 3 You have established your trustworthiness by cheating. Yes, he may have forgiven you but I don't believe that anyone can go on like it never happened. 4. Really, forgetting to inform your husband and children of your whereabouts and ETA to return....I would call BS on that. 5. Finally, I see his actions as having given up trying to discuss this with you and attempting to let you know how you are making him feel. Plus the sleeping and bathing arrangements say it all.....he is losing his connection with you and doesn't want to be close to you....if you don't change course, you'll be free to pursue any relationship with someone else however you'll be limited to the days that he has the kids....please rethink your entitled approach. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Maraud3r Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well. Frankly speaking, you're a hypocrite a tremendous one. You say you don't handle "controlling" well, yet others summed up why the leeway and freedoms you take for yourself would be far reaching in most normal relationships but give more than enough reason for his behaviour giving the past you two have. You are so willing to indulge yourself, to engage in a whole host of rather questionable actions all of whom draw an extremely unfavourable picture of you as a person. You are at no point willing to compromise or put in the leg work one would expect from a past cheater. Yet here you are doubting your husband. Being untrusting of him and his motives. Wanting to hire a goddamn private investigator to chase after him and dig up dirt. Wanting to control and dominate him. Even as what he does isn't a fraction of what you're up to. But hey, the friends who go out guy chasing and who likely were around when you had your affair said this is reasonable. People have pointed this out to you several times over and your only reaction is to make up excuses, justify your own behaviour or ignore it and then try to shift blame and bring up minor issues with other people (your husband) to be upset about. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 He was definitely NOT being controlling - but you lacked the ability to set a boundary, a standard and then started being controlling to him when he started to go out himself. It's a double standard by which you've set no boundary that states what decency looks like within the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Because it feels controlling. It feels like since he doesn't have much of a social life I'm expected not to have one also. I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved. Am I expected for him to hang onto that for the rest of our lives? Controlling is what WW's always say when their BH pulls in the reins because they can not be free to run amok. You confuse you having a social life alone is to take precedence of you and your BH having a social life together. You cheated on him while you were engaged. You do not consider yourself lucky that her forgave you and he married you after you cheated on him. You confuse your BH forgiving you means that he must forget your cheating on him. BH's can forgive though they will never forget. You will not admit that your behavior raises all kinds of warnings that you are acting as a wife cheating on her BH. Do you realize that as a WW, that if you make it to your 50th anniversary your BH will always trigger an worry that is she stepping out on me again? Do you realize that as a WW that it will be your job to make your BH feel secure in his marriage. That means way more effort compared to a wife that never cheated on her BH? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Hello, I have Gone through what you’re going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & we’ve been together since kids. I’m with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. I’m not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven. If you really aren’t doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). He’s feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way. You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck! Back too normal as in the OP being able to come and go as she pleases? Not after 10 years of disrespectful towards her BH after her forgave her for her cheating on him. That train has left the station, went around the bend, and as the train crossed the gorge it crashed 500' to the bottom because the WW blew the trestle along time ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well. Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs? Why? He repeatedly communicated how he felt that your behavior as a wife was inappropriate and hurt him. You told him, essentially, to suck it and you keep doing what you wanted. What is there more for your BH to say now? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Do you work OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Happy hour. She works Link to post Share on other sites
Author steph1980nyc Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Do you work OP? Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why? I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely. My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room. He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here. Link to post Share on other sites
CardsFan01 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I don’t see your father showing up to intervene helping. My guess is it will make it even worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 It may be useful to put your Father in a hotel when he visits. It's good you work. You can support yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Just a quick question...why do you not acknowledge and or address any of the comments made by those you asked for POV? Are you searching for someone who will endorse your activities? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steph1980nyc Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Just a quick question...why do you not acknowledge and or address any of the comments made by those you asked for POV? Are you searching for someone who will endorse your activities? Fair question - I've liked a few comments on here and responded to several questions. I appreciate all the feedback, some of which is productive and even those that have hurtful comments - I value them all. So I believe (to your question) I have acknowledged several comments. I'm not looking for endorsement. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Hello, I have Gone through what you’re going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & we’ve been together since kids. I’m with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. I’m not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven. If you really aren’t doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). He’s feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way. You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck! Respectfully, I've gone back to check and the one comment that you liked was the one comment that basically told you that you had done nothing wrong. My question is, do you plan to be honest with your father and tell him about your past infidelity, your lunch dates with your ex boss, and the lack of consideration you have shown toward your family with regard to the girls nights? Or, do you plan to blame your marriage problems on your husband... If you are honest, what is your dad going to say? Do you think he would agree that you have done all you can to be a good and loving partner to your husband? What do you think he will suggest to fix it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 What actions have YOU offered to your husband that will show him you intend to change? Have you apologized to him? If so, what did you say? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Maybe it's time to make effort for your husband. Get up several hours early, make him breakfast and sit down to talk to him before he leaves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Being cheated on is something you never forget. Forgive, sure but forget ...never. You seem unable to put yourself in his shoes. Your behavior is so cleary trigger inducing. Many are telling you this, but you cannot or will not see. Old, unresolved issues tell you he is being controlling. You are on the verge of losing a good man. But you must have it your way. Hard as one may try...they can never forget. It follows you, you fight internally not to carry that suspicion into the next relationship. Yes - years later. Adjust your behavior and attitude or say goodbye to your marriage. I suppose then you can have all the gno and ex boss lunches you desire. No more controlling husband asking you out to lunch or thinking of you before going off to hooters. Good looking, a good father and provider too? You are about to be in a world of hurt. There are lots of women looking for that man. They will take him up on a lunch offer in a heartbeat. You can have your ex boss and connections. How free it must feel to be the betrayer, the one who just moves on and expects the betrayed to fall in line. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing? I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him. You OP are simply clueless as a wife, who previously cheated... First off, Baily is being super nice. You have zero consideration for your husband. He is obviously a weak man, since he took you back. You would not be my wife to start with, and you sure would not be my wife now. Since he was weak, and did not dump you. You had no reason to do anything but sweep it under the rug. Neither of you did the work to recover your relationship, and you sure did not. Truth be told, you don't really have love or respect for him, based on your callous behavior. But I have news for you, he is getting ready to divorce you, and it is coming fairly soon. Of course he does not trust you, why would he? I am sure that your "made a mistake" when you cheated before. And like a lot of stupid young guys he "Forgave you"... how sweet. Are you really going to tell us you have not slept around on your husband since you have been married? Frankly, I don't believe it. I assure you your husband does not believe you have not been sleeping around on you. I really cannot believe that someone can actually be a clueless are you are and have been... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Have you read the all too many threads here from men who suspect a cheating wife and then discover their fear is now their reality? Lunch dates, missing in action scenarios, deleted texts, gno with women on the prowl ...... all signs of an ongoing affair. Why should your husband not suspect an affair? Because you tell him it’s not an affair? That didn’t work real well for him the last time an A entered his life uninvited, did it? Maybe he found an AP for a revenge affair. Maybe he is just looking. Seeking space is one of the chapters in The Cheaters Handbook. Is this his first solo trip to places unknown? Or as others have said D is soon to enter your life. Be prepared for either possibility. Or communicate with him as others have suggested here if you want to try to avoid divorce. Or maybe he has figured out that you two are not compatible after 7 years of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 He may want to be away when you are served... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CatMinx Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well. Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs? So him getting upset at your suspicious behavior because you’ve cheated on him before is controlling but you being upset that he’s not responding to your texts on your time table isn’t? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 So him getting upset at your suspicious behavior because you’ve cheated on him before is controlling but you being upset that he’s not responding to your texts on your time table isn’t? Touché Cat... I am not sure OP will actually have the gumption to answer any of our questions. But I will ask LS... Is it possible that a woman could actually be this clueless, or a man for that matter? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Did you make effort to see him before he left today? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steph1980nyc Posted March 6, 2018 Author Share Posted March 6, 2018 (edited) Did you make effort to see him before he left today? Yes, but believe it or not - he left even earlier than I was expecting. I got up an hour before his normal routine. He apparently left sometime before then - I'm not entirely convinced he stayed the entire night even at the house. Last night I heard him in the garage working out and knocked on the door saying we need to talk and he tells me go away and don't talk to me. Before anyone says I wasn't listening or trying to meet with him this morning - We have a 3 story home and no alarm that would beep when he's opening the door. I sincerely tried to speak with him but was gone when I got up an hour before his normal routine. I sent him a text last night asking if it's really over - he didn't reply. I sent him a text today asking what I could do - no reply. My father is almost in town and I hope he'll be able to talk to him or get him to open up. At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me. It seems childish but i'm not a guy so I don't know what enters their head. I've read up on the forums about emotional unavailablity - maybe thats it? Edited March 6, 2018 by steph1980nyc Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Lord have mercy. Childish? You just can't own any part of this, can you. No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you. What would be the point? And no, technically he never has to talk to you again, ever. No kids as far as I can see, so the divorce should be pretty doable through the lawyers. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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