Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[Be_Strong]

I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

In what way are you worried that he could use your apology as ammo going forward? Do you mean that if you stay married, he’s going to keep bringing up your apology? Or, do you mean if you get divorced he’s going to use it against you in the divorce proceedings?

 

In either case, there’s nothing to be concerned with. If you stay married, the only reason he would bring up the apology is if you start doing the same things you apologized for, so if you are sincerely sorry and intend to fix those things, this shouldn’t be a problem. If he files for divorce, the fault of the spouses isn’t a relevant factor in a divorce anymore. Your apology letter couldn’t legally hurt you.

 

The biggest problem with you writing a letter of apology is that you aren’t actually sorry nor do you believe that you did anything wrong. So, there’s no way the letter will be sincere. I have a feeling that your apology would be of the type that goes something like, “I’m sorry you have no friends and are jealous that I do, and I’m sorry that you are paranoid and don’t seem to be able to trust me when I eat lunch with other men, and I’m sorry that you seem unable to get over my affair from years ago.”

[CatMinx]

Steph, what actions have you taken since your affair to earn back your husbands trust?

 

Whether you are really having an affair now or not, obviously your husband finds something in your actions suspicious and he is therefore attempting to protect himself from further pain by distancing himself from you. What have you done to prove that he can and should trust you? Because having no empathy for him, disregarding his feelings completely, and removing your wedding rings are not the behaviors of someone worthy of their spouses trust.

[Brieanna]

The “tit for tat” approach isn’t working for you huh?

 

Neither is passive aggressive behavior. (There is no way you cannot see that your behaviors are “protest” behaviors and pushing him away.)

 

Decide what you want.

 

You seem to be pushing him away and not being honest with yourself over it.

You seem more eager to find fault in him, prove he did something wrong... than take steps and actions closer to him.

 

The advice about shaking up his world by doing something way different was spot on.

Maybe not get down on your knees...

But really???

You took off your ring in response to him taking off his ring?

How about a more humble action towards him?

 

How about confronting him with your pain of how you feel torn and miss him and miss what you two had. Confront him with your fears, your pain, be vulnerable... confront him with your love, what you hope for you both.

 

Confronting him with spite and anger apparently will not beget much but more negative stuff. ....this is what you are getting from this.

 

You do not sound like someone who honestly cares to save a marriage.

It sounds more like someone who wants out and is steering things twards an exit she is too cowardly to admit and be honest about. Instead seeking a way out to blame on him.

[BTDT2012]

It sounds like you have little to no respect for your husband. Lots of great advice has been given, you have chosen to ignore all of it. I forgave my husband for an affair. I also told him that even the suspicion of an affair would be enough for me to leave him.

[S2B]

Same attitude and same mindset will get the same results!

 

Not once did you say YOU would change.

 

 

Not once did you say you would apologize and own what you've done to break up this marriage.

 

We can't help you if you won't participate with honesty, courage to change yourself and the ability to be sympathetic to your husband's needs/wants.

 

Sit down with him (do not ask to talk!) and apologize to him and list what you can change about the way you participate!

 

How about coming home EARLY! Make dinner, do dishes and laundry! Be a wife! He is doing enough for both of you!

 

Start participating in the marriage. It's not enough to make money and look pretty...unless you're a rock.

[steph1980nyc]

Thanks everyone - I've decided to put the ego aside and try to open communication again.

 

When my husband got home I literally got on my knees and told him I was sorry and understood how my actions went against his wishes and how I wanted to make things right. He stopped in his tracks and paused (seemed like forever)....was saying something and stopped mid-word and proceeded into the guest room. He didn't even finish uttering the word whatever it was going to be.

 

He hasn't come out since and its been about an hour. He simply will not communicate with me and I would have loved for him to have finished the word he was about to say.

 

I'm actually working on dinner now and at first I wasn't going to make him anything (he did that to me earlier this week) but decided I would make his favorite dish. If that doesn't get him out of the room and talking I'm out of options.

 

Here's to nothing...

[BMI03]

Thanks everyone - I've decided to put the ego aside and try to open communication again.

 

When my husband got home I literally got on my knees and told him I was sorry and understood how my actions went against his wishes and how I wanted to make things right. He stopped in his tracks and paused (seemed like forever)....was saying something and stopped mid-word and proceeded into the guest room. He didn't even finish uttering the word whatever it was going to be.

 

He hasn't come out since and its been about an hour. He simply will not communicate with me and I would have loved for him to have finished the word he was about to say.

 

I'm actually working on dinner now and at first I wasn't going to make him anything (he did that to me earlier this week) but decided I would make his favorite dish. If that doesn't get him out of the room and talking I'm out of options.

 

Here's to nothing...

 

This is the first sign of going in the right direction Steph! This is the first step in positive progress. Well done.

 

I still question as to whether you are truly remorseful but this is at least something to build on. And look...almost a word. That's a whole world more sound than you have gotten in a while. It's a start.

 

I am glad to hear you fought the urge to make him nothing. It's the same as the ring...he was in the right to not make you supper. You I am afraid, are not. Recognizing that wouldn't be a productive thing to do was the right move. Good work.

 

Don't be disappointed if you don't get miracles. You may not see him the rest of the night and he may not eat dinner. That's ok. If he smells in, he will know you are taking actions and maybe, just maybe, beginning to understand this is your error to fix, not his. You have trained him to not trust and his instincts now, rightfully so, are going to be to protect his heart and not let you back into his world so easily. You will need to continue with this approach relentlessly, with humility and understanding. You have only taken the first step but at least it was better than a step backwards. It may already be too late, but at least you are starting the right approach, even if it's a fake-it-until-you-make-it approach at best.

 

Good luck!

[BaileyB]

If that doesn't get him out of the room and talking I'm out of options.

 

Then, you keep trying... You do it again, and again, and again until he knows that you mean it.

 

Make him dinner. Tell him, when he is ready, you want to talk. Then, ask him how he is hurting? Listen to what he says. Don't get defensive. Don't argue or dismiss anything he says. Apologize again. Tell him that you are committed to changing. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you understand the gravity of the situation. Tell him that you want to keep your family together. Offer to go to individual counselling so that you can be a better person. Ask him to go to marriage counselling.

 

This isn't the end. It is only the beginning.

 

Good for you! Your family is worth fighting for - Keep going.

Edited March 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[Brieanna]

He hasn't come out since and its been about an hour. He simply will not communicate with me and I would have loved for him to have finished the word he was about to say.

Sounds like he may need to learn to trust something positive will come from trying to talk to you. (This could take time...if he hasnt given up completely)

 

If you are truly interested in repairing things...

What if you book a therapy appointment for yourself.

Let him know it would mean the world to you if he joins you as your priority is your marriage.

Leave the ball in his court, he can choose to join you.

Just be sure to present it in a sincerely welcoming way. Be sure to present it with an attitude of gratitude if he would go. Then let go of the outcome... do not nag him to go....but leave the appointment card out or something so he knows he has an invitation.

 

Plan to go to the session for yourself even if he does not show.

 

I do wish you the best!

[steph1980nyc]

Total Fing Disaster.

 

So my dad took the kids out to run errands, husband came out of the room, sat down - no real visible emotion on his face mind you. Had a few bites and then said thanks and started to read the paper. He at least said something.

 

I asked him why he wasn't eating more of it - he said he was trying to eat better and get in shape and wanted to at least have a few bites since he knew I was in the kitchen for over an hour.

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites?? He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

what. the. hell.

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Part of me wants to be in the guest room waiting on him but I think it will just piss him off. He isn't acting like himself at all.

[Brieanna]

If you cannot be in each others presense without complaining or picking on the other....STOP IT!

 

You did not earn a conversation by cooking for him... it was supposed to be an olive branch, ...not an entitlement.

 

Go to therapy! At least someone can help him to listen to what you are trying to say and help you hear what his thoughts are....and mediate before emotions escalate.

 

You need to learn how to try to communicate without being passive aggressive, without criticizing, without causing harm.

 

Rule #1: Do no harm

 

I don’t see how you guys can find your way out of this dynamic without help. Both of you are hypersensitive and have escalated in this pattern.

 

You need to get therapy so someone can help you two connect while helping filter out the crap that keeps getting thrown around.

[kgcolonel]

you treated him nicely and he took a step in your direction...he came out of his room and ate some of the dinner you cooked....what did you expect that 1 dinner and he would be back to the doormat of a husband you like (not that he is actually a doormat but it appears that this is the only type of man that would put up with your mess). You completely underestimate the damage you have done. How many lunches with the ex-boss, how many GNOs have you been to, how many texts did you delete.....it will take many many efforts like making him dinner, on your knees to confess to him that you are truly sorry and not question his reluctance to retreat.

 

Please look at it this way, have you ever seen an abused animal? It takes a lot of love and nurturing to regain their trust....you seem to expect a 180 with one or two gestures of (I don't want to say kindness) normalcy. Cooking for one's spouse and apologizing for hurting one's spouse (even when it wasn't intention or it was careless) is normal spousal behavior.

 

Your past is catching up with you, not necessarily limited to your A but all the other crap that has been mentioned. This will be a long process....I strongly suggest some individual counseling to help you understand the damage you have been doing all this time.

[S2B]

Total Fing Disaster.

 

So my dad took the kids out to run errands, husband came out of the room, sat down - no real visible emotion on his face mind you. Had a few bites and then said thanks and started to read the paper. He at least said something.

 

I asked him why he wasn't eating more of it - he said he was trying to eat better and get in shape and wanted to at least have a few bites since he knew I was in the kitchen for over an hour.

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites?? He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

what. the. hell.

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Part of me wants to be in the guest room waiting on him but I think it will just piss him off. He isn't acting like himself at all.

 

You just don't get it.

 

Has anyone ever described you as narcissistic? That is a serious question.

[springy]

He took a step toward you. Thought of the time you spent cooking that meal and came out to take a few bites for that reason (still very thoughtful considering he's extremely pissed at you). Yes, you did blow it with that comment. His resentment toward you has built to toxic levels so you need to be really careful about your communication with him. He is halfway (more?) checked out so you chastising him just gives him more reason not to bother. You could have sat down to dinner while he was reading his paper. Could have asked him about his day. Told him you missed laying next to him at night. TOld him you have missed his voice and his touch. Do you?

 

This is a man who has spent months (years?) feeling disrespected and feelings negated. He's not having it anymore.

 

You need to learn patience because you're gonna need a lot of it to convince your husband to return to the marriage.

Edited March 8, 2018 by springy

[S2B]

And ok, so he got mad...he deserves to be mad!

 

Come home early again tomorrow and make dinner again! Do not speak! Just work on your actions changing for now.

 

Now go get the laundry done and the kids into bed.

[springy]

And ok, so he got mad...he deserves to be mad!

 

Come home early again tomorrow and make dinner again! Do not speak! Just work on your actions changing for now.

 

Now go get the laundry done and the kids into bed.

 

yep - keep going...try again tomorrow.

[BluesPower]

Total Fing Disaster.

 

So my dad took the kids out to run errands, husband came out of the room, sat down - no real visible emotion on his face mind you. Had a few bites and then said thanks and started to read the paper. He at least said something.

 

I asked him why he wasn't eating more of it - he said he was trying to eat better and get in shape and wanted to at least have a few bites since he knew I was in the kitchen for over an hour.

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites?? He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

what. the. hell.

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Part of me wants to be in the guest room waiting on him but I think it will just piss him off. He isn't acting like himself at all.

 

Wow, I really thought for a second that you were getting it... well I guess not.

 

See you don't seem to understand that you are on your way out, because of your behavior, because of what you did.

 

[]You don't get a pat on the head because you cooked dinner, not after the way that you have been acting.

 

What you get is a divorce. []

 

I really thought that your big ego, was starting to shrink but no such luck.

 

I am sure you will continue to say "it was one question, and I did not use any tone of voice at all", yeah right.

 

Of course you did.

 

As you go through your divorce, just know that while there will be some loses that will date you, no matter how fine you are, you most likely will not be able to find a man as good as your husband to marry you and help you raise your kids.

 

See, even with your job and your beauty, you are not as desirable as your husband will be after the divorce. Most men don't want to raise another mans children even if it is part time.

 

I don't know where your ego comes from, but girl, you have so much to learn.

 

I had a GF that spoke to me that way once, after she finished she was my ex GF...

Edited March 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Inflammatory and personalized content redacted and member suspended

[sandylee1]

Keep trying and put your rings back on. He's likely looking to see how much this marriage means to you and how important he is to you.

[BaileyB]

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites??

 

It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Combative. You extended the olive branch, he took it... And you shut him down, again. You sure put him in his place! I'd be mad too.

 

It wasn't just a simple question. It was a complaint. A criticism. It was a test. It's all about you again... "I made this dinner for you and you don't appreciate it."

 

Don't wait up for him in the guest room. Give him space.

 

Go to therapy.

[BluesPower]

Combative. You extended the olive branch, he took it... And you shut him down again. I'd be mad too.

 

It wasn't just a simple question. It was a complaint. A criticism. It was a test. It's all about you again... "I made this dinner for you and you don't appreciate it."

 

Don't wait up for him in the guest room. Give him space.

 

Go to therapy.

 

Bailey, do you really think it would help??? I mean look how long it even took her to try.

 

I just don't know if their are any real therapist out there that would tell her that she is full of you know what...

[BaileyB]

Bailey, do you really think it would help??? I mean look how long it even took her to try.

 

I just don't know if their are any real therapist out there that would tell her that she is full of you know what...

 

I am ever hopeful. But, it will certainly not help if she is not willing to consider and accept some hard truths about herself. And, I don't know if she is there yet...

 

If she wants her family to survive this, how could it hurt to try...

[S2B]

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

This is no "short fuse" darlin' - this is a man who is sick of the crap you dish out now. This is a man who is no longer your doormat!

 

This is a man that's been taking care of the house and kids and cooking and laundry - knowing full well you've put your job and getting ahead of all the things that need to get done at home!

 

 

This is a man that KNOWS he can do it on his own and not have you complaining in his ear about how many bites he takes just because you made effort to cook.

 

Nag him all you want - you certainly know how to push him away further.

 

Keep your big mouth shut! Your causing more harm ever timeyou say anything to him. Act loving! Act kind and generous! DO plenty to share the responsibilities in the home!

 

If you want a marriage/family? Then invest your time and effort into it!

 

Work less - be home/available more to family!

 

Send your Dad to a hotel - he does NOT need to be in the middle of all this! That's just awful!

[sandylee1]

Yikes...I didn't see your reaction to him taking a few bites.

 

He did really well coming out of the room to eat. He was showing appreciation and you messed up.

 

If you really want to save this marriage you have a strange way of showing it. One dinner doesn't get you out of jail.

 

You've taken the phrase 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach' quite literally.

 

Girl...your gonna have to step up your game, because right now your husband is shaping up in the gym and losing weight in order to attract another woman in the event of a divorce.

 

He's getting in the best place he can be by ...building up his confidence...and you'll be left behind.

[Agonistes]

Wrong as it may have been I may have thrown the plate of food in your face. His patience lasted more than 7 years. His patience has finally been exhausted. He is done with you. You cannot save this marriage. 10 pages of reading have convinced me that you are incapable of the type of humility that it would require. I feel sorry for the kids. He will be just fine without you. Probably better.

[Cullenbohannon]

I am amazed that no one can see the obvious.

 

She hears you, but deep down she doesn't really care. Sure she wants the stability of marriage, but that's about it. She has said so in words and deeds.

 

Her husband is gone, but she was never in this marriage.

 

Waste of time. In a month or so she will be in the SaD section. Where she belongs

Edited March 8, 2018 by Cullenbohannon