Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[S2B]

You know what could help?

 

YOU own what things you've been doing that aren't nice within a marriage. Own it!

 

YOU be VERY specific with him how YOU plan to repair this damage you've caused!

 

You completely change YOUR behavior and the way you participate within the marriage! That means being completely unselfish! That means everything you do - you do to better the marriage.

 

You state out loud what you've been doing is wrong and hurtful to your relationship and how YOU plan to do everything differently. That includes putting your old boss out of the picture. That includes not working hours that take away from family time. You MAKE your home life your priority.

 

You've ruined the relationship so far and YOU need to map out exactly how YOU are going to change.

 

But it's probably too late. Looks like your husband has had more than enough of you thinking only of yourself.

[Mrin]

OP - I'm not going to chastise you any more but rather just offer this piece of advice.

 

He's checked out completely. The only thing that will save your marriage is an "unreasonable act". You see, you have been reaching out to him in a reasonable manner. I get that. And he's not having any part of it. The only thing left for you to do is act unreasonably. If you really care about saving your marriage you should do what I suggest below. I caution you, you will make yourself 100% vulnerable and you will need to be incredibly strong to pull it off.

 

When he comes back or when you see him next, you need to show 100% humility. Don't ask if he wants to talk. Just go right up to him, get on your knees and apologize to him. Tell him how sorry you are for disrespecting him. Tell him how sorry you are for making him feel this way. Tell him how sorry you are for your actions. Tell him you want him to know this. Tell him you are willing to do whatever it takes to regain his trust. He can ask you anything and you'll tell him the truth. He can read your texts. Have access to your phone and computer. Volunteer to take a polygraph. Volunteer to turn on GPS tracking on your phone. Whatever it takes. Make no excuses. Give no explanations. Completely open yourself up and be 100% vulnerable with your husband. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

 

Caution - he may reject this all. He may say, "sorry counselor, day late and a dollar short". And it will hurt like Hell. You are a proud woman. Being rejected like this would probably be one of the most humiliating experiences of your life. But, here's the secret, if he does reject you and opts for divorce, years from now you can look back and know that you tried your best at the final moment. That will count for something. A lot. I assure you.

 

Or, he might be moved by your humility and you guys can start to rebuild the trust and respect that has been so lacking in your relationship.

 

One more word of advice - control is a big thing for you. You have control issues both being controlled and being in control. Let me suggest that if you think about this act of humility, this act of contrition, you recognize that it is not an act of surrendering control, but rather of regaining it. And regaining it in a way that matters. That works for you. Works for your husband. Is nurturing to your marriage. Because this control thing you have going on right now - that's not control. It is just score keeping. That's really just a path to the lack of control that you're feeling right now as I type this to you.

 

What will it be OP?

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[BluesPower]

Yes, but believe it or not - he left even earlier than I was expecting. I got up an hour before his normal routine. He apparently left sometime before then - I'm not entirely convinced he stayed the entire night even at the house. Last night I heard him in the garage working out and knocked on the door saying we need to talk and he tells me go away and don't talk to me.

 

Before anyone says I wasn't listening or trying to meet with him this morning - We have a 3 story home and no alarm that would beep when he's opening the door. I sincerely tried to speak with him but was gone when I got up an hour before his normal routine.

 

I sent him a text last night asking if it's really over - he didn't reply. I sent him a text today asking what I could do - no reply. My father is almost in town and I hope he'll be able to talk to him or get him to open up.

 

At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me. It seems childish but i'm not a guy so I don't know what enters their head. I've read up on the forums about emotional unavailablity - maybe thats it?

 

OMG, have you read any of the responses in this thread???

 

Do you own nothing about your behavior, nothing at all.

 

I am just at a loss....

[BarbedFenceRider]

Steph....Welcome to the 180. You just got served. Your non empathetic tone and narcissism showed your BH what you truly are. And he doesn't want it. He is working on himself, and making himself better.

 

He will act like an adult and probably get great advice from his lawyer.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why?

 

I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely.

 

My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room.

 

He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here.

 

^^^This speaks volumes. You are probably just like your mom. It would be enlightening to see you talk to a counselor. And your dad needs to be told the truth. Maybe he would like to talk about why you didn't have a mother????

[S2B]

OP - I'm not going to chastise you any more but rather just offer this piece of advice.

 

He's checked out completely. The only thing that will save your marriage is an "unreasonable act". You see, you have been reaching out to him in a reasonable manner. I get that. And he's not having any part of it. The only thing left for you to do is act unreasonably. If you really care about saving your marriage you should do what I suggest below. I caution you, you will make yourself 100% vulnerable and you will need to be incredibly strong to pull it off.

 

When he comes back or when you see him next, you need to show 100% humility. Don't ask if he wants to talk. Just go right up to him, get on your knees and apologize to him. Tell him how sorry you are for disrespecting him. Tell him how sorry you are for making him feel this way. Tell him how sorry you are for your actions. Tell him you want him to know this. Tell him you are willing to do whatever it takes to regain his trust. He can ask you anything and you'll tell him the truth. He can read your texts. Have access to your phone and computer. Volunteer to take a polygraph. Volunteer to turn on GPS tracking on your phone. Whatever it takes. Make no excuses. Give no explanations. Completely open yourself up and be 100% vulnerable with your husband. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

 

Caution - he may reject this all. He may say, "sorry counselor, day late and a dollar short". And it will hurt like Hell. You are a proud woman. Being rejected like this would probably be one of the most humiliating experiences of your life. But, here's the secret, if he does reject you and opts for divorce, years from now you can look back and know that you tried your best at the final moment. That will count for something. A lot. I assure you.

 

Or, he might be moved by your humility and you guys can start to rebuild the trust and respect that has been so lacking in your relationship.

 

One more word of advice - control is a big thing for you. You have control issues both being controlled and being in control. Let me suggest that if you think about this act of humility, this act of contrition, you recognize that it is not an act of surrendering control, but rather of regaining it. And regaining it in a way that matters. That works for you. Works for your husband. Is nurturing to your marriage. Because this control thing you have going on right now - that's not control. It is just score keeping. That's really just a path to the lack of control that you're feeling right now as I type this to you.

 

What will it be OP?

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

This is all great but means NOTHING if she doesn't admit what she's been doing that's been wrong with the relationship ANd maps out exactly how she intends to participate on a whole different level.

 

He's sick of her behavior... that is clear. If he thinks for a hot minute that she's just giving lip service - it will change nothing.

[S2B]

Are you even willing to change Op?

[CardsFan01]

This is all great but means NOTHING if she doesn't admit what she's been doing that's been wrong with the relationship ANd maps out exactly how she intends to participate on a whole different level.

 

He's sick of her behavior... that is clear. If he thinks for a hot minute that she's just giving lip service - it will change nothing.

 

And there is the problem. I don’t think she is capable of recognizing she is the problem, and that she caused this mess, not him. I haven’t seen one instance in this thread where she has accepted any responsibility for this. It’s all about what she can do to make him change. And now she’s diagnosing him with emotional unavailability? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a bigger case of self unawareness. I normally try to see both sides in these things, but it’s just not possible here. I feel sorry for the poor guy.

[Maraud3r]

childish

I have to disagree here. Marrying you after what you did was naive and childish. Putting up with your behaviour for years was childish and naive. Likely hoping that you'd change, that you'd see reason, that maybe just maybe you would come to love and respect him and put your relationship first rather than last was childish and naive.

 

Getting out of an extremely one sided relationship with someone who obviously does not respect, value or care about him beyond how he can be useful to him while trying to better himself is actually a sign of him finally growing up and growing a spine.

 

I'd like to say I feel sorry for you and wish you the best but given you have shown zero self reflection, blamed all the problems squarely on your husband, called him controlling while considering to hire a PI because he isn't responding to your messages in a timely manner and all the other things I can't in good conscience say so. Because I am really not. Maybe this will help you grow but I seriously doubt it.

[Maddieandtae]

LoSteph nobody on a forum knows the real you or your husband, you owe absolutely nothing to anyone here. You do owe your marriage honesty though and some of your actions appear to have pushed your husband to a breaking point. There isn't anything you can do until your husband choses to talk with you. In the meantime get a support system in place that is unbiased and able to.help you with your own issues so that you are prepared for whatever your husband brings to the table when he returns.

[anika99]

Yes, but believe it or not - he left even earlier than I was expecting. I got up an hour before his normal routine. He apparently left sometime before then - I'm not entirely convinced he stayed the entire night even at the house. Last night I heard him in the garage working out and knocked on the door saying we need to talk and he tells me go away and don't talk to me.

 

Before anyone says I wasn't listening or trying to meet with him this morning - We have a 3 story home and no alarm that would beep when he's opening the door. I sincerely tried to speak with him but was gone when I got up an hour before his normal routine.

 

I sent him a text last night asking if it's really over - he didn't reply. I sent him a text today asking what I could do - no reply. My father is almost in town and I hope he'll be able to talk to him or get him to open up.

 

At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me. It seems childish but i'm not a guy so I don't know what enters their head. I've read up on the forums about emotional unavailablity - maybe thats it?

 

You think it's childish that he's avoiding you and not discussing this but what could he possibly gain by talking to you? He's tried having discussions with you. Many times by the sounds of it, and what has that ever accomplished from his point of view? You shut him down and ignore all of his feelings and requests. He's fed up with having pointless discussions.

 

What is childish here is running to your daddy and having him fight your battles. If your marriage is of any importance to you then YOU stand and fight for it like a grown woman. This is between you and your husband. Don't go crying to your dad and asking him to fix it for you. Take responsibility for your errors, be a big enough person to admit you have made mistakes. Do you even understand that you have made mistakes? I get the feeling that you are simply unable to admit fault or make compromises. I imagine this is why your husband doesn't see any point in having another discussion with you.

 

Interesting that one of the reasons you listed for marrying your husband is that he is always considerate of your feelings yet you feel put upon when he wants you to reciprocate that consideration.

[Foxy Knoxy]

How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless?

.

 

Him telling you he's uncomfortable IS him telling you to stop or at the least empathize with him more. You broke his trust. Even 7 years cannot fully restore that.

 

Why would you continue doing something that makes him uncomfortable?

 

Why would you not make communicating with your husband and kids a priority?

 

Why would you refuse to give up eating alone with your colleague in order to help build your husband's trust back? Is your marriage not worth it?

[Foxy Knoxy]

Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why?

 

I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely.

 

My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room.

 

He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here.

 

Sweetie, you didn't communicate that your dad is coming

 

You hope his sleeping over will drive your husband back to your bed

 

Absolutely no respect - and manipulative.

 

This won't end well. He is already checked out. Your father will be a dynamite in the situation.

 

I feel sorry for your husband. He can do better and it sounds like he's got one foot out the door ready to prove that.

[camillalev]

1. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting lunch or keeping in touch with an old mentor. Networking is key in almost any industry and cutting them off would unwise.

 

2. You forget to tell your husband and children when you'll be out?? The hell? You're an adult. Respect your partner and your children and get your act together. Is this how you act in the workplace?

 

3. I dont know if I could forgive cheating, but he did and decided to move forward with you. You cheated on him once 7 years ago. Cheating is difficult to move on from but 7 years is a long time, enough time to do the work of rebuilding trust in the relationship and internal wounds(as well as you can). However, your behavior is made that difficult for him. Like-

 

4. Youre deleting messages with your old boss.This to me is a huge red flag. If I found out my partner was doing this I would be extremely suspicious. This sounds very fishy.

 

5. Your husband is distancing himself and it sounds like you did nothing but observe this happening.

 

It doesnt sound like youre respecting your husbands feelings and that is causing the relationship to break down. You need to take action and do something about it and change some of your behaviors if you value your relationship.

Edited March 7, 2018 by camillalev

[S2B]

How old are your kids?

[BaileyB]

Interesting that one of the reasons you listed for marrying your husband is that he is always considerate of your feelings yet you feel put upon when he wants you to reciprocate that consideration.

 

Absolutely. And further, the exact thing that you want from your husband now, is exactly what he needed when you went out partying with the girls or out to lunch with your former boss - consideration, communication, and respect.

 

I'm actually glad your dad is there. I think YOU will need the support. I think you should prepare for the worst.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved.

 

Considering what's going on in your life, funny how you keep stating this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BMI03]

At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me

 

- His life back

- Self respect

- Comfort

- Peace

- Mental stability

 

And no, no he will not have to see you and discuss this at some point.

 

See, in his eyes, you both have already discussed this. He had made his concerns known in a reasonable and adult way, and you discredited them and did what you wanted anyway, taking no ownership or accountability for your own actions, and now you will not even own the consequences.

 

The discussion you expected is already over...you just haven't even realized it yet.

 

He doesn't need to interact with you at all to divorce you. Like BarbedFenceRider said... Steph, meet the 180

[road]

steph1980nyc, any update?

[steph1980nyc]

steph1980nyc, any update?

 

Sort of.

 

So to the question earlier, we have two kids - 9 and 6.

 

He was at the home when I got there, had dinner ready for the kids (didn't make me anything btw which he normally does) and was proceeding to wash the kids clothes. I said hello, and he said hi. I noticed he was looking at my hand, I took my rings off on Monday hoping to get some sort of reaction something to start the conversations and I guess he just noticed but didn't say a word. I was hoping he would say something because nothing else is getting him to talk but even that didn't work. He didn't say a word about it. I also didn't wear it this morning before work - I caught him taking a glimpse but again, no comment. He stopped wearing his after he talked to me about the text messages being deleted.

 

I kindly thanked him for getting the kids dinner ready and he put them to bed. I asked him what he'd like to do with my dad coming over - he needs a room to stay in. He said he wasn't leaving the guest room and that I needed to figure it out. Part of me was hoping he'd get back into the "marital bed" but that didn't work. I ended up falling asleep next to my youngest one in his room, my dad took the master bedroom and hubby still has the guest room.

 

This morning my dad told my husband he's here if he'd like to chat with him or go to lunch and talk but my husband politely declined. He said it will do no good - that his daughter (me) doesn't understand proper boundaries or respect and he's tired of talking about it. My dad asked him what the path forward was - he said he's too angry to think about it and just wants to take things day by day.

 

My dad told me that he was surprised at the lack of emotion, almost robotic nature of how he was behaving. He was really expecting to have an open conversation and hoping to help both sides restart negotiations as he called it. Basically, at this point - its a complete stalemate.

 

My husband got the kids ready, dropped them off to school and went to work. I'm really starting to grow concerned for him, he's lost weight - he doesn't appear to be eating much if at anything and his focus has been either work, kids or working out. How on earth can I even try to reconnect with him when he won't. Is he waiting on me to throw in the towel? Something has to break the impasse.

 

I shouldn't say this on here since I know you guys will likely beat me up about it....I looked in his wallet (he always throws his pants on the back of the sofa) and there was a receipt for a counselor of some sort. Apparently he's talking to someone but not me or his family. Simply do not get it.

[FilterCoffee]

I noticed he was looking at my hand, I took my rings off on Monday hoping to get some sort of reaction something to start the conversations and I guess he just noticed but didn't say a word. I was hoping he would say something because nothing else is getting him to talk but even that didn't work.

 

You just gave him further reason to believe you’re cheating on him. He didn’t react because he was expecting this. Quit the games and take responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused him.

[steph1980nyc]

You just gave him further reason to believe you’re cheating on him. He didn’t react because he was expecting this. Quit the games and take responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused him.

 

He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?

[BarbedFenceRider]

We are not trying to beat you up... But the disconnect from reality that you STILL have is going to be a problem in your life, with or without this man. You are really not a safe partner. And He is getting used to being a single dad. As for the robotic nature and non-emotion conversation....You seriously need to read about the 180. And for NC..Because that is coming up soon too.

 

What are 10 things that you enjoy and love about this man? Even small quirky things...

Can you put a list of 10 things that you enjoy and would be seriously sad if they disappeared over night?

 

For the last few pages, all I got out of this thread is all the "odd" behavior that YOU noticed. Nothing about the good things that this man does to hold the fire for you...

[BaileyB]

He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?

 

 

It's like throwing gasoline on an already out of control fire...

 

You are still keeping score. I feel so badly for your husband. His pain is palpable.

[kgcolonel]

Okay I'll try to be constructive here but no promises.

 

By taking off your ring, the message you sent him is "I can play that game too". This is a combative message and if you truly want to reconcile and save your marriage, (at this time I can't convince myself that you truly do or at least are willing to do what it takes to do so) you need to go to him, just you and your husband (stop looking to your dad to fix things) and tell him that you see that your actions have been disrespectful and that you'd like to set up a MC to help you two reconnect. Ask him for that chance if not for you but for the sake of the kiddos....understand that if you two don't make it, you will lose all control of the next female that enters the lives of your children as the new wife and step-mother of the kiddos.....is this not worth some humble pie?

 

Please just consider the value of a really heartfelt sincere conversation and you taking the first step.