Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[BluesPower]

OP, we are all strangers...

 

So, I really would like you to answer some questions, if you would.

 

And, being that we don't know you, you really have no valid reason to lie.

 

Do you maintain that you have not had any affairs since you have been married? Not even emotional?

 

Do you really not understand why your husband is upset?

 

Do you realize that he is going to divorce you?

 

Please help us understand your mindset...

[Be_Strong]

By the way, if your husband posted his side of the story here, I can guarantee you the unanimous opinion he would receive in response is that his wife is cheating and he should file for divorce immediately.

[CardsFan01]

Sort of.

 

So to the question earlier, we have two kids - 9 and 6.

 

He was at the home when I got there, had dinner ready for the kids (didn't make me anything btw which he normally does) and was proceeding to wash the kids clothes. I said hello, and he said hi. I noticed he was looking at my hand, I took my rings off on Monday hoping to get some sort of reaction something to start the conversations and I guess he just noticed but didn't say a word. I was hoping he would say something because nothing else is getting him to talk but even that didn't work. He didn't say a word about it. I also didn't wear it this morning before work - I caught him taking a glimpse but again, no comment. He stopped wearing his after he talked to me about the text messages being deleted.

 

I kindly thanked him for getting the kids dinner ready and he put them to bed. I asked him what he'd like to do with my dad coming over - he needs a room to stay in. He said he wasn't leaving the guest room and that I needed to figure it out. Part of me was hoping he'd get back into the "marital bed" but that didn't work. I ended up falling asleep next to my youngest one in his room, my dad took the master bedroom and hubby still has the guest room.

 

This morning my dad told my husband he's here if he'd like to chat with him or go to lunch and talk but my husband politely declined. He said it will do no good - that his daughter (me) doesn't understand proper boundaries or respect and he's tired of talking about it. My dad asked him what the path forward was - he said he's too angry to think about it and just wants to take things day by day.

 

My dad told me that he was surprised at the lack of emotion, almost robotic nature of how he was behaving. He was really expecting to have an open conversation and hoping to help both sides restart negotiations as he called it. Basically, at this point - its a complete stalemate.

 

My husband got the kids ready, dropped them off to school and went to work. I'm really starting to grow concerned for him, he's lost weight - he doesn't appear to be eating much if at anything and his focus has been either work, kids or working out. How on earth can I even try to reconnect with him when he won't. Is he waiting on me to throw in the towel? Something has to break the impasse.

 

I shouldn't say this on here since I know you guys will likely beat me up about it....I looked in his wallet (he always throws his pants on the back of the sofa) and there was a receipt for a counselor of some sort. Apparently he's talking to someone but not me or his family. Simply do not get it.

 

Maybe you have and I’ve just missed it, but in all your attempts at communication, have you apologized to him? Have you told him you know your behavior has been inappropriate and that you will immediately change it? If I were him, I wouldn’t even begin a conversation until I heard those words out of your mouth. It appears to everyone here, and I’m sure him too, that you are still blaming him for this predicament. As long as that is the case, I don’t really see what there is to discuss other than how this divorce is going to work. If I were him, that would be the only thing that would be on the table right now.

[steph1980nyc]

Sure, my answers [are below]

 

OP, we are all strangers...

 

So, I really would like you to answer some questions, if you would.

 

And, being that we don't know you, you really have no valid reason to lie.

 

Do you maintain that you have not had any affairs since you have been married? Not even emotional?

There has been no physical affairs of any kind other than the one he was aware of. While I don't consider it an emotional affair, I enjoyed the lunches - he made me laugh and was actively helping me in my career. Our conversations were mostly about business but we talked about each others kids, etc.

Do you really not understand why your husband is upset?

I do not. He's making rather large assumptions that just because I'm going to lunches or deleting texts I'm up to no good. I'm tired of having to defend myself - I get it, I brought an affair into the relationship early on - seems like it will be held over my head for eternity.

Do you realize that he is going to divorce you?

I'm not sure what he's going to do - we've fought in the past about other things but never to this degree and never for this long. I tell myself that I can do this without him but then I know I'll miss him once he's gone. This lack of communication and engagement is really tearing me up - at this point I'd do just about anything to get him angry to see any sort of reaction out of him but I know its counter productive. I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions - he told me he didn't feel comfortable with me going to lunch with a man, I did so anyway - doesn't mean I'm cheating. I was communicating with him via text - doesn't mean I was cheating. In his mind I was, and it appears nothing will change that - and that's what upsets me the most. Any guy I ever talk to - I'll be cheating in his mind - thats what it feels like.

Edited March 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[steph1980nyc]

It's like throwing gasoline on an already out of control fire...

 

You are still keeping score. I feel so badly for your husband. His pain is palpable.

 

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

[BarbedFenceRider]

at this point I'd do just about anything to get him angry to see any sort of reaction out of him but I know its counter productive.

 

^^This. This is NOT communicating. This is attacking with negative cycles.

 

https://www.familyandlifesolutions.com/marriage-blog/2013/6/6/5-negative-cycles-couples-fall-into.html

[CardsFan01]

I'm a catch

 

Seriously?

[BaileyB]

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

OMG!

 

I feel badly for you Steph. You are going to loose your marriage because of your total inability to understand or consider anyone else's feeling or opinions other than your own.

 

As they say, pride cometh before a fall.

 

The thing is, you had the ability to change this. You have received good advice in this discussion and you haven't taken it -- you insist on fighting for control and keeping score when we have told you, the solution lies in accepting responsibility, humbling yourself and apologizing, and making yourself vulnerable.

 

But the thing is, you can't do any of these things if you don't see the problem. I would suggest that you find a good counsellor... if you don't figure out what went wrong here and how your behavior contributed to the breakup of your marriage - your issues with communication and control, your inability to consider someone else's thoughts and feelings, and your lack of respect and inability to maintain healthy boundaries will continue to damage any relationship you have in the future.

[Be_Strong]

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

He believed that you were cheating and that you refused to stop, so he decided to separate and as part of that process he removed his ring. If you then remove your ring, it’s simply a signal to him that you also want to separate. This isn’t a matter of what is ok and what is not ok. If at any time two married people don’t like the current conditions in the marriage, they are free to leave the marriage. It looks like he wants out, which is his right. If you want to preserve the marriage, taking steps like removing your ring is the opposite of what you should be doing.

 

You mentioned that you are “a catch.” Do you mean physically? Honestly, how physically attractive are you? It makes a difference. If you’re an 8, 9, or 10 and running around having girls nights all the time or meeting for private lunches with men, it puts a ton of psychological strain on your husband because he knows you will be a prime target for every guy out there.

 

Before separating from my soon to be ex wife, I generally tried to avoid being in one-on-one situations with other women specifically to avoid the appearance of impropriety. More specifically, I avoided private meetings with women that my wife would view as potential competition—attractive females.

 

Likewise, I didn’t fret when my wife was having lunch with a 70-year-old man or an ugly guy that I knew she wouldn’t be attracted to.

[cat5]

Is girls night out that much more important than your marriage?

 

I try to balance the needs of both - working 40-45 hours a week and coming home to kids and a husband can sometimes be tiring. Sometimes I just need space to decompress. Between the kids, and health issues/surgery I wasn't able to be very social. Now after the surgery, I feel great and want to spend some time with friends. It feels like my husband is simply content to be with his family and be a homebody.

 

Why aren't you willing to change if your husband doesn't like your sneaky behavior?

 

Because it feels controlling. It feels like since he doesn't have much of a social life I'm expected not to have one also. I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved. Am I expected for him to hang onto that for the rest of our lives?

If these things are that important to you and it's ruining your marriage why did you get married?

 

I was pregnant, he's a good provider (I also work) and a great dad. He's handsome and from a good family and has always been considerate of my feelings. At times I feel he doesn't do things simply because he wouldn't want me doing them (such as going to hooters to watch the game, he won't go unless I'm there).

 

On a side note, I texted him this morning asking how he's doing and no reply. Last night, I asked him via text if he wanted to talk....no reply. The only time I got any real communication from him is when I asked about the plans for the kids this week. No idea what's going on here.

 

His family? Our Family? Which is it?

 

Been on this forum a while. Rarely say anything but this person, wow, it's like hearing my wife talk.

 

Everyone on here is telling you that you need to prove to your husband that you love him and are committed. So how to respond to his test of removing his ring? By removing yours? HaHaHa, wow.

 

Someone said a few pages back that you are likely like your mother. Bingo.

 

The only thing that has surprised me is that your husband and your father didn't talk. They should. I bet they have a lot in common.

 

I am going to offer you some advice, not in your marriage, that is toast but in case you have any hope of having a relationship with someone other than a doormat. Fix yourself.

 

You are most likely either very self-centered, a narcissist, borderline or some other personality disorder. You have very little capacity for empathy.

 

Get help and perhaps one day you'll realize what you have done and continue to do.

 

Best of luck!

[CardsFan01]

 

You mentioned that you are “a catch.” Do you mean physically? Honestly, how physically attractive are you? It makes a difference. If you’re an 8, 9, or 10

 

I’d love to hear her answer this one. Has to be at least a 10 right? Maybe an 11 or 12?

[Mrin]

OP: In the hopes of forwarding this conversation, can you answer my question below?

 

You've received tons of really good advice on this board. We can all see what you need to do. We've all told you what you need to do. Heck - i've even given you some of the words. You yourself said you'd do anything to get a response from him.

 

So why won't do the one thing we all believe will make a difference?

 

NOTE: We're a bunch of strangers and you're under no obligation to do anything we suggest. That being said, your answer to my question above might give you some insight into what's really wrong with your relationship with your husband.

[S2B]

Are you positive those kids are biologically your huabnada?

 

 

How can you say you wish to send a message to your H that you're in the marriage yet you took off your ring? IF that's the message you intend to send them put the ring back on!

[S2B]

Your H does a LOT around your house. He won't miss you if you're gone.

 

But I do think you'll miss your H (and all that he does) if he's gone.

 

Why don't you start picking up more responsibilities at home? Make dinner, you do that laundry, get the kids from school?

 

It's time you start participating by getting a lot done at home, including loads of time with your kids and making the home life nice.

 

It seems you spend time and energy focused on advancing your career - that's all well and good but if you do it that way something else suffers - and someone else has to take up the slack when you're not doing your share. My guess

is your H also has resentments about you not doing your share at home - with the kids and with the obligations a home requires.

 

 

Why don't you start figuring out how to pamper your H? Start doing more of the responsibilities he does at home - with the house and the kids? Or is your job more important than keeping your family together?

[SpecialJ]

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

Flip it back around. He wanted you to see the same thing (he's a catch and you're going to lose him if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it).

[springy]

"I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions"

 

So your hubby has it right - there really is no reason to talk. More talk for him to see it your way and for you to negate his feelings. I guess, just let him go then.

 

You say you're a catch. In what way? You've shown him his feelings don't count. Now you've taken your ring off, further confirming his "wild assumptions." Now he's so pissed off he can't even bring himself to chat with your father. Your father sees it, and is shocked...and you are here attempting to prove your catch-worthiness in all the wrong ways and showing all of us that your husband is right - why bother talking about it? What would you even say? Do you think telling him he's making wild assumptions and trying to convince him once again that you are right and he's unreasonable will bring him back from the edge? It won't work.

 

I don't see love in your posts, respect or any real fear of losing him...I do see that it's all about you though, sadly.

 

There is nothing adult about how you are handling this. No indication that you really want to save your marriage (if that's even possible at this point). I do not think you are able to "get it."

 

PsychologyToday: Empathy involves caring about others feelings and concerns. Contempt is arrogant ("I know best") disregard, dismissal and denigration of others' concerns. Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt invites relationship and marriage problems.

 

There you are - what are you willing to do to save your marriage? Your current state of mind will not be successful. But, maybe you don't really care? Maybe you just want to drive your point home even if it means you lose your catch.

[S2B]

Your marriage can't be repaired with the attitude and mindset you have.

 

You need to be right too much. You're vindictive and unwilling to be more generous with your time for family

 

Since you want your life the way YOU want it - why not be single?

 

That's a serious question. Since you think only of YOURSELF - why not be single?

[steph1980nyc]

Your marriage can't be repaired with the attitude and mindset you have.

 

You need to be right too much. You're vindictive and unwilling to be more generous with your time for family

 

Since you want your life the way YOU want it - why not be single?

 

That's a serious question. Since you think only of YOURSELF - why not be single?

 

Lots of questions in the posts above, if I miss one it's not intentional so please let me know.

 

1) I have tried to use the advice here, i've woken up early and tried to communicate with him. You can tell me all the things to say but he won't talk to me. The only way to get him to talk is to get him furious - but its counter productive.

 

2) I don't want to be single, I love having stability and being a family unit. But...I do recognize that being married doesn't mean you spend 100% of your time or energy there. There's nothing wrong with being able to go out - I think the root of my husband's insecurities is his limited social circle. I think if he had as many friends as I do - he'd want to go out more.

 

3) When I say I'm a catch, I don't mean just looks - I mean someone who is a provider, someone who has several degrees and someone who physically takes care of their appearance and who is attractive. Never said I was a 10. My husband has let himself go a bit and is always so stressed and not nearly as fun. I think thats why I enjoy the lunches or the attention from another male - but its not cheating nor would it come to that.

 

4) Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right? He doesn't want to talk to me or my dad and has made that crystal clear.

 

I tell myself he comes home because there's a glimmer of hope but part of me believes he's done and going through the motions. I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

[BluesPower]

Thank you so much for answering...

 

You really do not get it, but I am going to try and help...

 

Q1)

 

Do you maintain that you have not had any affairs since you have been married? Not even emotional?

 

There has been no physical affairs of any kind other than the one he was aware of. While I don't consider it an emotional affair, I enjoyed the lunches - he made me laugh and was actively helping me in my career. Our conversations were mostly about business but we talked about each others kids, etc.

So on this first question, you know, it sounds innocent enough. But not for someone that had an affair previously. I know that you say that it is over, it was a long time ago. But for him, it is not, you guys never handled it properly.

 

So having any kind of a lunch with a man, deleting the text messages, all of that is cheater behavior. It is out of the cheaters handbook and it is all over this board.

 

This is what you don't seem to get. And yes, to an extent, until your infidelity is dealt with properly, you do have to pay for it for the rest of your life. Even when the proper steps are taken and you actually help your husband to heal, he will never forget what you have done.

 

Q2)

 

Do you really not understand why your husband is upset?

 

I do not. He's making rather large assumptions that just because I'm going to lunches or deleting texts I'm up to no good. I'm tired of having to defend myself - I get it, I brought an affair into the relationship early on - seems like it will be held over my head for eternity.

 

No, besides the explanation above, he is not making large assumptions. You have proven yourself capable of cheating on him. Nothing was done to help him heal and you are not remorseful in any way. You just want him to "get over it". It does not work that way.

 

It is not his problem, it is yours, because you caused it.

 

Q3)

 

Do you realize that he is going to divorce you?

 

I'm not sure what he's going to do - we've fought in the past about other things but never to this degree and never for this long. I tell myself that I can do this without him but then I know I'll miss him once he's gone. This lack of communication and engagement is really tearing me up - at this point I'd do just about anything to get him angry to see any sort of reaction out of him but I know its counter productive. I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions - he told me he didn't feel comfortable with me going to lunch with a man, I did so anyway - doesn't mean I'm cheating. I was communicating with him via text - doesn't mean I was cheating. In his mind I was, and it appears nothing will change that - and that's what upsets me the most. Any guy I ever talk to - I'll be cheating in his mind - thats what it feels like.

 

Again, he is not making wild assumptions. You fell like your cheating was no bid deal. But to him, it is and always will be. You put your feelings above his because you are selfish. And I suspect that you always have been, but I am sure you don't think that. Guess what...you are. When you refused to stop the lunches, and deleted the texts, that is a clear SIGN that you are cheating, whether you are or not. By putting your desires and feelings above his, you proved to him that he does not matter.

 

Because of YOUR infidelity, his feelings about these types of things, trump yours in every way. He did not cheat, you did.

 

And when we say that every single action that you have been taking makes you look like a cheater.

 

As a matter of fact, based on what you yourself have written, I find in hard to believe that you are not cheating on your husband. And I am on the freaking internet, imagine what he thinks.

 

Anyway, I don't think you will have to worry for very long. He is preparing to divorce you, for your previous cheating and your current behavior and selfishness.

 

General comment

 

As a matter of fact, you might as well sleep with your lunch buddy, because at this point, it won't matter.

 

I really think you are your marriage are toast...

[kgcolonel]

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

You're entirely correct here however most any man will view you as we have here, you very well may be a "10" and good at everything thing else but you are not good at all at creating a safe place for a man to be open and vulnerable. You can see how this approach is working for you now....what makes you feel that any other man will see it different?

 

There's an old saying, you can either be right or be happy....this translates to in a marriage, if you hold on to "being right" prepare to be alone....if you're willing to do anything (it appears other than, not have lunch with another male, specifically this male and continue to do things that you "feel' entitled to do just because you see nothing wrong with it, regardless of how if makes your H feel) so be it....let the cards fall where they may.

 

Several people have tried to get you to see the other perspective and your responses indicate that because you don't see anything wrong with this that you have no reason to stop....you completely disregard how it makes your H feel in the M.

 

Very sad for your H and for your Kids

[CardsFan01]

Lots of questions in the posts above, if I miss one it's not intentional so please let me know.

 

1) I have tried to use the advice here, i've woken up early and tried to communicate with him. You can tell me all the things to say but he won't talk to me. The only way to get him to talk is to get him furious - but its counter productive.

 

2) I don't want to be single, I love having stability and being a family unit. But...I do recognize that being married doesn't mean you spend 100% of your time or energy there. There's nothing wrong with being able to go out - I think the root of my husband's insecurities is his limited social circle. I think if he had as many friends as I do - he'd want to go out more.

 

3) When I say I'm a catch, I don't mean just looks - I mean someone who is a provider, someone who has several degrees and someone who physically takes care of their appearance and who is attractive. Never said I was a 10. My husband has let himself go a bit and is always so stressed and not nearly as fun. I think thats why I enjoy the lunches or the attention from another male - but its not cheating nor would it come to that.

 

4) Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right? He doesn't want to talk to me or my dad and has made that crystal clear.

 

I tell myself he comes home because there's a glimmer of hope but part of me believes he's done and going through the motions. I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

 

Good call, don’t apologize. It might make things worse. That olive branch should be coming any day now. I bet he’s right on the edge of seeing the light. No need to focus 100% of your time or energy here. He’ll come around.

[BaileyB]

Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right?

 

No, you have not shown any understanding or empathy for his feelings. You have not apologized. You have decided this is the hill that you are ready to die on... So no, I would definitely not say that you have extended yourself.

 

But, by all means... you wait for him to extend the olive branch. You will be waiting for a very long time. And, it will likely come in the form of a settlement of divorce.

Edited March 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[BMI03]

You are letting your marriage slip through your fingers without even trying to catch it. The demise of your marriage (and it is coming quick!) will be no one’s fault but your own. I hope that when you are alone, your need to be unwavering in your position is of comfort to you. Because your husband will have left you. Your children will resent you. Your husband’s new flame will pity you. And your father will experience a disappointment in a situation that may be all too familiar to him personally.

 

While I believe you have done more than enough here to prove you are incapable of empathy, let’s put it simply here. Let’s lay it out, even with a bewildering benefit of the doubt that you are right no less! You have a choice:

 

Option 1: Get to be right (in your own mind if not others), and lose your husband.

- What you gain: You get to continue to think you are right; you get to keep having lunch with your ex-boss; you get to keep having GNOs

- What you lost: Your relationship with your; your children’s respect; your stability; your combined incomes; family holidays; children’s birthdays; your home; your vehicles; any assets that you need split.

 

Option 2: Give up your position in this debate, and have a fighting chance for keeping your marriage.

- What you gain: a chance at saving your marriage; a lifetime of children’s birthdays; holidays as a family; financial stability; keep you home; a proud father

- What you lose: your need to be right in your own mind in this situation.

 

So, even if you believe you are right, is the above not an easy choice for you to make? Really??

 

 

Then, to that point…most have already told you this so no surprises, but my two cents in a quick blitz:

- Will you need to live with your mistake of cheating forever? He can forgive you, but never forget. I am sure you could understand that if you were bit by a friend’s dog, you could see it in your heart to forgive the dog and the owner, but you are likely going to flinch every time a dog barks around you, and rightfully so.

- Are GNOs ok? Yes, when you are thinking about your partner first and his comfort with it. The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- Are lunches with men ok? Yes, when you are thinking about your partner first and his comfort with it. The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- Deleting texts: There is no valid reason for this. If the answer is that you knew he would be upset, than you are already being deceitful and betraying his trust. The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- No info for family when out: The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- Was it ok for him to take off his ring but not you? Yes, he took it off because he was expressing concerns to you and you showed no empathy and dismissed it

- "I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions". You have done lots wrong. His assumptions are not wild. It is up to you to recognize this and act to resolve. It is likely too late.

- Your husband’s limited social circles? That is of no relevance. It’s a convenience excuse you are hiding behind to not have to face the fact you are the problem.

- ‘…but It’s not cheating nor would it come to that.”. It’s cheating if your husband feels betrayed. If you are deleting texts, that is a big indicator of an emotional affair. If you are sharing things you would otherwise share with your husband, you are putting emotional energy in the wrong place.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Well, thanks for itemizing the reasons NOT to stay married. Oh yeah, your a catch alright...ROFL!

 

After all, he has let himself go, he doesn't have exciting friend circle. You disrespecting him and cucking him should be the best he will get ever. Right? Well there's your answer. Tell you what...Why not have hubby post on here. I think he needs the encouragement to get out of this toxicity. You are free to go and have your "exciting" life.

 

Just don't say we didn't warn ya!

[georgia girl]

Steph,

 

Not that this will do much good, but I will throw my hat into the ring. You say you have done nothing wrong, but let me offer you a different perspective:

 

You were emailing and deleting the communications from an ex-boss who you say is important for your career. Also, when you knew it would bother your husband and he specifically asked you not to, you had not just one but several lunches with said ex-boss. You admit that you like attention from males. I am a very successful business woman and I understand that business works quite a bit on who you know. But, in all of my years of business, I have not done anything that makes my husband feel threatened and I call “malarkey” on the idea that you need to frequently email/text/go to lunch with an ex-boss. There are ways to set boundaries without losing the contact. Further, it’s now decision time. What is more important? Your family and your marriage or lunch and texts with the ex-boss. That’s how your husband sees it and he thinks you made a choice.

 

Going clubbing with the girls and forgetting to ensure your husband is okay with it and you have made plans with the kids? How do you not apologize for that? Again, what comes first? Drinks, girls and I would hazard a guess a little male flattery or your husband and kids?

 

You have not offered an olive branch. Instead you have made a bogus argument about being more outgoing, better preserved and ambitious and therefore he should not flip your wings. Go ahead and keep this stance if you want, but here’s what you don’t get: he is very close to done. You may be literally just a few hours and days from the end of your marriage. If you want to save it, you need to wake up, apologize and learn to set boundaries such as a GNO only one night a month and only after the two of you have had a date night; extremely limited email communication only with the ex boss (no lunches or calls) and full disclosure to him when it happens, including forwarding of the emails; and couples counseling.

 

My final thought: you came on this board for advice and only you - not your husband - is providing the information posters are reacting to. Yet, there are nine pages here of folks unanimously trying to get you to see the light. And we are all wrong and you are right? Perhaps you need just a little humility before you single-handedly destroy your life.