Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[Agonistes]

Rules of civil procedure stipulate that an attorney may not contact the other party directly if the other party has secured counsel. The attorney most certainly would contact her to see if she is represented by counsel yet and if so get the name of her lawyer so they can know who to contact in matters relating to the case. Ordinarily this type of thing would be done by mail and not a phone call. It stretches my belief a little bit to accept that an attorney called her but I do not know what the rules and practices in her jurisdiction are. Maybe it is accepted there?

[FMW]

Steph, this is really and truly over. You really must get this through your head.

 

I feel so very bad for your children. It seems unlikely given all that's taken place and your inability to see the reality of the situation, but I hope that you make them your priority now and don't make things even harder for them by getting into a war with their father.

 

My ex husband did not retain his own attorney, however we reached agreement as to the division of assets prior to my retaining an attorney and filing. He met with me and my attorney just to understand the process, but before my attorney would even speak about the divorce he had him sign an Affidavit affirming he understood that my attorney represented me only.

 

Given your situation I would find it unlikely you would be able to agree on anything. You need to retain your own attorney.

[BaileyB]

Steph. Take a deep breath. It will be ok.

 

You need to get a lawyer. You need to protect your interests.

 

Then call your dad, or a friend... You need some support. You don't need a PI.

 

It is really, and truly, over. No more talking. No reconciliation. He has decided he is done. It may take two to communicate, but it takes one to divorce.

 

Your husband is angry, really angry. Best to leave him be now. Focus on yourself and take care of your kids.

 

Keep going to counselling. You will need support, for a long time.

 

I'm sorry. The next few weeks and months are going to be really hard for you.

[steph1980nyc]

Thanks everyone - its going to be a long painful road.

 

My dad is coming back into town, I had him call my husband and he told my dad that there's nothing left to discuss and also told my dad to remind me to stop texting and calling him before he gets a restraining order.

 

Restraining order for calling and texting? Never heard of such a thing and I understand he's angry - we will need to communicate for many more years and coordinate about the kids. He's not thinking clearly and I want/need to talk to him but I missed the chance - its not soaked in yet but i'll get a grasp on it sooner or later. Do you think a man would or even could go that route?

 

I remain convinced he was putting all this together over the past few days. One can't secure a lawyer within a few hours - he had that in his back pocket so I was basically wasting time with the poly graph....that or he was going to call off the attorney - no idea.

 

I don't think one can quickly find a spot for their belongings unless its a self storage facility - normally apartment leases take time for credit checks and such so I think he had that in his pocket also but maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter now.

 

A poster said it earlier, I didn't have a good relationship (barely one at all) with my mother, my father never remarried. I've always enjoyed my freedom but compromised on several things because I wanted to be married and have a family. Now I got to sort that out - I hope by some pure chance once he gets the DNA results back and it proves what I've said he'll open up more? Again, there's zero doubt the kids are his - I couldn't imagine the heartbreak and pain something like that would cause and he won't feel that from the kids - they are his pure and simple. My dad said that a man sometimes needs reassurances when their world is turned upside down and this will help him so I'll do it. It's offensive but I'll do it for the greater good. I guess I'll have to go through his attorney to get him the information.

 

I still don't want him throwing stuff in boxes when I'm not here to supervise but I've just accepted it. It's material goods and can be replaced and I wouldn't have thought he'd do anything intentionally to make me mad or to wrong me I can't say for sure right now. As I said weeks ago, he hasn't been himself.

 

i read up on this 180 everyone keeps referencing - this seems to be more about getting over someone not salvaging anything. It seems to me he was long gone before he met the bar fly - he was just looking for any shred or reason to eject. Anyway I need to make a list and just sort though all this - luckily I'll have some help doing so both from this board and my dad and friends.

Edited March 21, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[BaileyB]

Thanks everyone - its going to be a long painful road.

 

My dad is coming back into town, I had him call my husband and he told my dad that there's nothing left to discuss and also told my dad to remind me to stop texting and calling him before he gets a restraining order.

 

Restraining order for calling and texting? Never heard of such a thing and I understand he's angry - we will need to communicate for many more years and coordinate about the kids. He's not thinking clearly and I want/need to talk to him but I missed the chance - its not soaked in yet but i'll get a grasp on it sooner or later. Do you think a man would or even could go that route?

 

I remain convinced he was putting all this together over the past few days. One can't secure a lawyer within a few hours - he had that in his back pocket so I was basically wasting time with the poly graph....that or he was going to call off the attorney - no idea.

 

I don't think one can quickly find a spot for their belongings unless its a self storage facility - normally apartment leases take time for credit checks and such so I think he had that in his pocket also but maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter now.

 

A poster said it earlier, I didn't have a good relationship (barely one at all) with my mother, my father never remarried. I've always enjoyed my freedom but compromised on several things because I wanted to be married and have a family. Now I got to sort that out - I hope by some pure chance once he gets the DNA results back and it proves what I've said he'll open up more? Again, there's zero doubt the kids are his - I couldn't imagine the heartbreak and pain something like that would cause and he won't feel that from the kids - they are his pure and simple. My dad said that a man sometimes needs reassurances when their world is turned upside down and this will help him so I'll do it. It's offensive but I'll do it for the greater good. I guess I'll have to go through his attorney to get him the information.

 

I still don't want him throwing stuff in boxes when I'm not here to supervise but I've just accepted it. It's material goods and can be replaced and I wouldn't have thought he'd do anything intentionally to make me mad or to wrong me I can't say for sure right now. As I said weeks ago, he hasn't been himself.

 

i read up on this 180 everyone keeps referencing - this seems to be more about getting over someone not salvaging anything. It seems to me he was long gone before he met the bar fly - he was just looking for any shred or reason to eject. Anyway I need to make a list and just sort though all this - luckily I'll have some help doing so both from this board and my dad and friends.

 

Well, it seems you have recovered your composure and rationalized things quickly.

Edited March 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[CatMinx]

It’s unlikely he would’ve called off the attorney had you not lied during the polygraph. It sounds like he’s been wanting out of this miserable marriage for a very long time. Perhaps he plans to use the polygraph as evidence in an asset or custody battle.

 

You still don’t seem to get it. You treated your husband with zero respect, and he’s finally found the jar in which you’ve been keeping his balls and reattached them.

 

Have you learned anything about yourself at all?

[Agonistes]

You absolutely can be restrained from texting and calling. When you know they are unwelcome that consitutes harassment. Your needing to talk is insufficient grounds to harass your STBX.

 

I would advise you to stop texting and calling him at all. Only exception would be a bona fide emergency relating to the kids. And even then keep it to that subject alone.

 

Go through his lawyer. When he realizes that it costs him a bundle to communicate through the attorney he may soften on his no direct communication stance but for right now he is too raw to even talk to you. Give it a month and let him see the statement from his attorney. It may get better.

 

Meantime speak to an attorney asap in order to know your rights. You will get screwed if he is represented and you are not.

[S2B]

Fascinating to read your last line that states it's not fair...fascinating.

[S2B]

Also - do you earn more than your husband? One may pay more if their earnings are higher than the other spouse. Will you seek any custody of the kids or do you plan for your husband to have the kids?

 

 

How many kids and what ages?

 

Focus on your kids now - I've noticed you've hardly mentioned them.

[Agonistes]

Maybe the H gets primary custody and the W gets weekends and a hefty child support obligation. There will be plenty of time for GNOs if she can afford them.

[Maraud3r]

Does that mean I can hopefully work to avoid a divorce?

I genuinely doubt it. Then again, I don't understand why you would want to avoid divorce. Are you financially reliant on him, you said you worked yourself?

I don't want him packing anything and I certainly don't want it done without me here.

I'm reasonable certain that at this point what you want is of no concern to him.

It takes two to communicate and he won't do it - how are we supposed to work this out if he won't communicate. What good is it to go through a 3rd party and now this is another unnecessary expense.

Two things:

 

1. You can't work this out, he has no desire to do so anymore and for good reasons.

2. It's not an unnecessary expense, you are being divorced.

 

On the positive side, you now have nobody you're accountable to anymore. Nobody will bother you when you want to go out, when you want to date or meet men. You'll obviously still have the children to deal with but now you have all the freedom you craved without any of the control you loathed.

This talk is not like him at all, this is not his personality.

You knew him as caring and loving husband and father. I.e a complete doormat in your eyes. Now you get to know him as a guy who had enough and will divorce you. Of course this is entirely different.

 

You went from the love of his life and mother of his children, to his soon ex wife who did horrendous things to him. Think how you'd react to an ex boyfriend who lied to you, cheated on you, treated you horrendously. Of course the behaviour changes. Heck for all intents and purposes, you're already single now and only married on paper albeit not for much longer it seems.

 

How can a person just flip a switch and go from decent and somewhat caring to mean and nasty.

Apparently putting them through the wringer for years, betraying their trust, lying to them, the entire affair and sexual practices business and all the other stuff does the trick. Think about it like a nuclear bomb. It's all fine and dandy, till it hits critical mass and blows up. Your relationship has reached critical mass.

 

I was going to go out this weekend and try to relax but clearly that won't happen.

This is a joke, right? This feels like you are refusing to acknowledge that your relationship is over. That this wont go away and he wont just become the chump you knew again. That you are in the process of being divorced and effectively single as of now. He just broke up with you.

 

One of my friends suggests I get a private investigator again to see what he's up to when I'm at work, if he's moving and where and what he may be up to. Apparently it helped her when she went through a divorce.

Given his attorney already contacted you. That he just split from you and the sheer ammount of dirt he has. A PI at this point might just make things worse, heck he could construe it as harassment and stalking especially since his attorney told you to stay clear of him.

I'm not convinced yet it's going to be a divorce...I hope it's all posturing - I want this to work why can't he see that! I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

I'm fairly certain this is a divorce, especially since there's good reasons for it. And as you said you want somebody to love you, you do not necessarily want to love them or treat them with respect. You had that, now you don't. Also I disagree, this is entirely fair. If anything he's rather civil about this. Many if not most guys and girls would have dumped you the moment you had that affair and ejected from the relationship years ago.

[Cullenbohannon]

Threads like these remind me to treat my fiancee better. To be thankful, appreciative and deserving of such. She will be home shortly.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Yomachi]

So... to sum up:

 

- He wants to do genetic testing, even though you stated in a previous post that when the initial affair came out the children were already genetically tested to be his.

- He started working out at the beginning of March, and already got in way better visible shape. He should patent his training regimen!

- You're getting very harsh feedback, but you're doing nothing with it, but simply keep coming back. It would make more sense to either realize you're a bad person and change, or to stop showing up on LS because you think the feedback is too harsh.

- There's hardly any mention of how the kids react, even though their dad has been completely absent for about a month now.

- Even the most naive person who knows nothing about divorces knows that a divorce lawyer can't represent both parties. How does that even make sense?

 

You also literally tick off all the boxes that people on this board fear, deep down inside. Lack of intemacy / being manipulative / making up vagismus not to have sex with your husband / having done things with your affair partner that you won't do with your husband.

 

I thought your lack of perspective indicated a psychological issue, but I'm pretty sure at this point this 'lack' is deliberately crafted.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Yomachi

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I get the impression that Steph has a high IQ but a low EQ. Throughout this thread she has displa6ed a singular lack of empathy for her husband and remains guilt free about the manner in which she treated him for years. For all one one knows she may be suffering from BPD or some degree of autism because of her singular lack of emotion in situations which demand it. I thought of autism because she seems to miss the obvious facts staring her in the face and just seems to override them without blinking an eyelid. Just my way of thinking. Best wishes.

[basil67]

Hi Folks, I get the impression that Steph has a high IQ but a low EQ. Throughout this thread she has displa6ed a singular lack of empathy for her husband and remains guilt free about the manner in which she treated him for years. For all one one knows she may be suffering from BPD or some degree of autism because of her singular lack of emotion in situations which demand it. I thought of autism because she seems to miss the obvious facts staring her in the face and just seems to override them without blinking an eyelid. Just my way of thinking. Best wishes.

 

I'm all too familiar with autism and have no idea what trait you're trying to describe. Not to mention that autism is a spectrum requiring a number of traits to even be considered for a dx.

 

You are doing a disservice to people on the spectrum when you throw out half thought out ideas such as this.

[MidlifeMama]

Hi Folks, I get the impression that Steph has a high IQ but a low EQ. Throughout this thread she has displa6ed a singular lack of empathy for her husband and remains guilt free about the manner in which she treated him for years. For all one one knows she may be suffering from BPD or some degree of autism because of her singular lack of emotion in situations which demand it. I thought of autism because she seems to miss the obvious facts staring her in the face and just seems to override them without blinking an eyelid. Just my way of thinking. Best wishes.

 

That's been my thought all along. Maybe never diagnosed on the spectrum? Either that or so self-absorbed that she is unable to see how her actions affected her husband or denial.

"I don't want you but I also don't want anyone else to have you" also comes to mind. I wish her peace and the husband too.

[georgia girl]

The attorney calling also threw me yesterday and made me reconsider the veracity of the story. But, I could see her client - the husband - asking the attorney to call Steph and tell her to stop calling/texting and to get her own attorney.

 

Steph, you need to realize that this is over. There is no fix. Why on earth you lied during the poly no one knows or understands but you. My guess is that he had put the pieces to leave in place but was hoping against hope that the poly would have turned out differently. He wanted the answers you gave to actually be the truth. When you said the right thing but it was a lie, it was over. It was probably 95% likely to be over anyway, but that was the proverbial nail in the coffin.

 

Steph, get to counseling and get an attorney. Leave your husband alone. I think he has a lot of simmering anger and it makes no sense to poke at him while he is angry. There is no good outcome there. Also, consider asking your counselor for a psychological testing referral. There may be some reason why you lack insight into your situation and the testing can help.

 

Good luck.

[40somethingGuy]

Hello -

 

First, I guess I should provide some background and some past activities that could be intruding on the present.

 

Hubby and I have been married 7 years, during the engagement I cheated on him. In time, he forgave and we moved forward. To my knowledge, he remained faithful during that time and I have zero reason to suspect otherwise.

 

My hubby has a professional job but is probably one of the younger folks in the company - his social life is pretty minimal, I've met his friends years ago but most of them moved away and he really hasn't bothered to reconnect with others.

 

As for me, my social life is fairly strong - I typically go out once a week for happy hours with the girls. This seems to always present problems when I return - he's pointed out in the past that I fail to tell the kids I'm going out and will be late, he's made references that I never tell him where i'm going or when I'm going to be home. He is right about those two items, I simply forget. I forgot last week also which is where things seem to have come off the tracks.

 

Next, in the past he asked questions about what I do during my lunch hours - he's tried to have lunch with me in the past but with the commute time and schedules never seems to work out. He asked if I have 1x1 lunches with a member of the opposite sex - which I do. He had an issue with that and said it's strange and he'd never do that. He never asked me not to do it. However, last week I did have lunch with the same person again who is a man - he's my former boss with my previous employer and I use the opportunity to network. My husband asked out of the blue if it was with him and I said it was - and he got upset saying that I should be aware of his feelings on the topic.

 

He also made it known that apparently my laptop was making noises over the past few weeks and he was aware of all the frequent messages that I've been exchanging with my former boss as it was displaying on the laptop. I always delete the messages - just a habit but he noticed the messages would come in be read and then be deleted after they were read while messages from other people remained in my account without being deleted. I told him what he things he saw or what he thinks is occurring here isn't what he believes it to be.

 

For the past week, he's been sleeping in another room and really refuses to talk to me. He showers in the guest bathroom and provides cold quick responses to any questions I ask him. Communication with him remains difficult - he's convinced there is more to the story here. For the past week, for someone that doesn't go out much - he's been apparently going out alone to bars for lunch or dinner - I've found receipts where he's gone to a restaurant/bar and been there for an hour or two apparently. Isn't that strange for a married man to go to a bar ALONE? I see this as being far worse than going to lunch with a member of the opposite sex. When I ask him about it, he says to find something else to talk about - and that I don't respect his wishes and that he's going to keep doing it and since I can't ever provide him with specifics he sees no reason to either. He's made reference to going out to lunch with a female coworker - I don't believe he'd do that it's out of his character. I've also noticed over the past week that he's been more focused on his diet and starting to get more physically active. Which is also something out of his character.

 

Anyways, I don't want to sever connections with my former boss as he's been my mentor and has a lot of connections in my profession. Apparently there's no convincing my husband otherwise that it's strictly professional.

 

Thanks for any comments in advance.

 

Have you cheated on him since the engagement? Obviously you were not caught if you did but did you? Men have a gut feeling that can't seem to go away. My guess is that your actions are opening up the wounds he suffered when you cheated on him. And you do show many signs of cheating whether you are doing it or not. You need to be completely transparent and maybe back off on the going out and lunches with the OS. He clearly doesn't trust you and probably is letting you know from his actions that he is preparing for a life without you. He goes to bars alone to think and maybe see if he can line up someone to replace you with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Basil, sorry I ruffled your feathers. That was not my intention. I don't claim to have any specific knowledge of autism just an average Joe's idea as road put it, of the disorder. As I said in my post it was just my way of thinking about Steph's dilemma. There was no derogatory intent in my post and if one was conveyed inadvertently, then I apologise. I was only trying to place a finger on what seems wrong with Steph's whole manner of thinking and reacting to situations involving her husband. It is like he was speaking to her in English all this while whereas all she was hearing was double dutch and so her responses to him were way off. I confess I know very little about autism and what little I do know has been gathered from magazine articles where concerned parents have written about their child or children suffering from the disorder and how they have struggled to handle it. If you have seen the movie Adam then that too depicts a person afflicted by the disorder and how he and others around him handle it.

 

In any case your point taken. Will avoid making references to ailments and disorders likely to upset people. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Fortysomething guy, I guess you came in late. Steph's marriage is over. Her husband is about ready to file for divorce. If you read through her thread you will see that she consistently disrespected her husband for years and in spite of all the advice given to her to correct her ways and her thinking she ignored it all till the end when her husband threw in the towel. Now the ship of reconciliation has sailed. She has to prepare for a life she subconsciously wanted, that of a singleton out and about enjoying her social life. Best wishes.

[Doorstopper]

Steph,

 

If I were you, I would get a Lawyer ASAP, and preemptively file for divorce, before he serves you with divorce papers. This has been a long time coming and much longer than you realize. Your husband didn't go from a doormat to the point he is at now, in a matter of days or weeks. If I had to guess its been months that he's been going to counseling. You were so focused on yourself that you failed to see anything changing.

 

He likely can't "nail you to the wall" and take all the money etc because he also cheated.

 

It really is about you now, not him. Get counseling to understand and change your faults and take the reigns on this divorce proceeding.

 

Its hard, you will suffer for a long time but hopefully you'll come out of this a smarter, more caring person.

 

Good luck

[pheonixrisen]

Steph was almost sorry about the incident that followed after your polly test ...but then you read page 25 and that goes out the window its hard to really empathize with you .

 

Is it fair to you ? Hell ya very fair ....not fair to your very young children and your husband who now have to go through dna testing and your h need to go through the emotional trauma of testing them ...no but thats not fair to you .you basically are a emotional bully hiding behind a pretty face . All you brought to this marriage table is a pile of negative sh#t but hey i am a catch so i am entitled you should just thank god that i married you .

 

You keep ignoring why your h wants another dna test when the children already went through one ...so either you lied about that too or one child has been tested and other not .

 

And while you go through the divorce you might also want to take a good look at your circle of friends i find it very suprising they will rally around for your divorce but did not advice you to stop mistreating your h so that your marriage might be saved .i would think either all of them are divorced or bullies in thier marriages.its no wonder you thought the behaviour is okay when you have a group cheering you on in this manner .

 

I also believe the poly came out with worst things then you let on here .i also believe the affair was not your only sexual encounter outside of your marriage .

 

I would think a woman on her way to divorcing rallies around her children to prepare them for it but really sorry to hear that your gno fun on weekend was spoilt .

 

Get a lawyer .because this guy is now mad enough to sweep the floor with you and i really hope the dna proves the children are his they will have atleast one parent who is emotionally available

[eye of the storm]

Steph, even though you brought this on yourself, I'm sorry. I know you are upset.

 

 

It is often suggested to BSs to lay the ground work for a divorce even while thinking they may reconcile. " You can always stop it. Talk to an attorney, look at apartments"....things like that so if you decide to go ahead, you know your options and you are ready.

 

 

But since you lied on the poly, it sounds like you made up his mind for him. The best thing you can do now is show how sorry you are for treating him and your marriage with such disrespect for all these years.

 

 

Showing him you are sorry is not to save the marriage. It is so hopefully you two can co-parent with less drama. This isn't for you, and it isn't for him, it is for the children.

 

 

But, if you take this advice, it will make your life harder in the short term, but so much better in the long term.

 

 

1. Get your own attorney but inform them you are not going to contest much, if anything. If you don't want to get your own, tell his attorney that you consent to everything.

2. Don't listen to "friends" who are trying to tell you how to get more out of your H. (For example, the PI. Worst case he sees your H doing something with another woman, it won't matter because your H has already set the divorce in motion.) You are the one with dirty hands here, not him. Stop trying to make this about him and his choices. This one is on you.

3. Stop trying to control everything, that is why you got into this mess. Let him pack. If he takes your grandmother's china, tell your attorney you want it back.

4. Stop texting/calling him unless it is something to do with the kids. And don't make up crap about the kids just so you can talk to him.

5. DO NOT try to get the kids on "your" side. He is their father. Just do the "moms and dads sometimes need to live apart to be happy but we both are still your mom and dad and we both still love you" route.

6. If you screw up and spew bitterness in front of them apologize. Tell them your feelings are hurt and sometimes you say bad things when you shouldn't. This teaches them to apologize when they screw up and talking bad about other people is wrong.

7. Stop talking crap about other people, you do not have the high ground. Bar fly? You spend way to much time hanging in a bar without your spouse to throw that term onto another woman. And calling his lawyer a B? Woman is just doing her job. Her job is to take care of him, not you.

8. Be fair with custody, and don't try for alimony. You don't deserve it.

9. When he starts dating, and he will. Be nice about, and to, them. They may be spending a lot of time with your children and you want that to be a healthy and happy relationship. The more people that love your children the better.

10. Stop fighting the divorce. Fighting it will only bring more bitterness to both of you and to your children.

11. Work on the logistics of the divorce with FAIRNESS in mind. Not with winning or losing. You and your H, but most of all your children, have already lost. There are no winners in this. Be fair. If he wants the living room furniture, you keep the bedroom type of fairness. Don't try to soak him. And if your GFs try to give you advice on how to screw him over, remember, screwing him over screws over your children.

 

 

I bolded kids and children so that hopefully you will see that from now on, they are the main considerations you need to keep in mind. Is spending thousands fighting over a furniture worth destroying them?

 

 

You talk about expense a lot. Trust me, being fair even when you have the ability to screw over your STBX is cheaper in both money, time, and emotion.

Edited March 21, 2018 by eye of the storm

[BluesPower]

Steph, even though you brought this on yourself, I'm sorry. I know you are upset.

 

It is often suggested to BSs to lay the ground work for a divorce even while thinking they may reconcile. " You can always stop it. Talk to an attorney, look at apartments"....things like that so if you decide to go ahead, you know your options and you are ready.

 

But since you lied on the poly, it sounds like you made up his mind for him. The best thing you can do now is show how sorry you are for treating him and your marriage with such disrespect for all these years.

 

Showing him you are sorry is not to save the marriage. It is so hopefully you two can co-parent with less drama. This isn't for you, and it isn't for him, it is for the children.

 

But, if you take this advice, it will make your life harder in the short term, but so much better in the long term.

 

1. Get your own attorney but inform them you are not going to contest much, if anything. If you don't want to get your own, tell his attorney that you consent to everything.

2. Don't listen to "friends" who are trying to tell you how to get more out of your H. (For example, the PI. Worst case he sees your H doing something with another woman, it won't matter because your H has already set the divorce in motion.) You are the one with dirty hands here, not him. Stop trying to make this about him and his choices. This one is on you.

3. Stop trying to control everything, that is why you got into this mess. Let him pack. If he takes your grandmother's china, tell your attorney you want it back.

4. Stop texting/calling him unless it is something to do with the kids. And don't make up crap about the kids just so you can talk to him.

5. DO NOT try to get the kids on "your" side. He is their father. Just do the "moms and dads sometimes need to live apart to be happy but we both are still your mom and dad and we both still love you" route.

6. If you screw up and spew bitterness in front of them apologize. Tell them your feelings are hurt and sometimes you say bad things when you shouldn't. This teaches them to apologize when they screw up and talking bad about other people is wrong.

7. Stop talking crap about other people, you do not have the high ground. Bar fly? You spend way to much time hanging in a bar without your spouse to throw that term onto another woman. And calling his lawyer a B? Woman is just doing her job. Her job is to take care of him, not you.

8. Be fair with custody, and don't try for alimony. You don't deserve it.

9. When he starts dating, and he will. Be nice about, and to, them. They may be spending a lot of time with your children and you want that to be a healthy and happy relationship. The more people that love your children the better.

10. Stop fighting the divorce. Fighting it will only bring more bitterness to both of you and to your children.

11. Work on the logistics of the divorce with FAIRNESS in mind. Not with winning or losing. You and your H, but most of all your children, have already lost. There are no winners in this. Be fair. If he wants the living room furniture, you keep the bedroom type of fairness. Don't try to soak him. And if your GFs try to give you advice on how to screw him over, remember, screwing him over screws over your children.

 

I bolded kids and children so that hopefully you will see that from now on, they are the main considerations you need to keep in mind. Is spending thousands fighting over a furniture worth destroying them?

 

You talk about expense a lot. Trust me, being fair even when you have the ability to screw over your STBX is cheaper in both money, time, and emotion.

 

Yes this is great advice... but somehow, I just don't think she will take it.

 

Frankly, I don't think she will ever understand what she has done to her husband and family.

 

While I really cannot understand how she cannot understand, it seems as if she does not...

[steph1980nyc]

So a few questions I've noticed over the past few days I should probably address now that I have more than enough time on my hands:

 

1) The kids are his, but I suspect my husband now has doubts on how the test was conducted. I purchased two kits from a drug store that you spit into a tube/use a swab and mail off for results. He provided his samples, I collected mine and the kids and mailed them off. I suspect he believes I somehow impacted the results. Regardless, I'm going to go through the process again or however he wants to do it.

 

2) I have two kids - I don't bring them up and I don't have them around when these conversations with my husband is occuring. They were either with my father when he was in town, at a sitters or playing at a friends house. I do not want my kids exposed to the tension and stress and shield them from it the best way possible. I certainly don't talk bad about him in front of them. I can only assume he does the same.

 

3) This is my first marriage and my husband's first marriage. My mom was never around, I don't know why exactly. I also am not autistic and have no idea what eIQ is.

 

4) Regarding financials, we make nearly the same amount of money a year - he's is slightly more but not much - usually around $1-3K difference if he gets a bonus or not.

 

5) I wasn't able to pull myself together to go to work today - I did not stay at the house as I know it will just bring more tension. I ended up getting a room at at weekly rate. I did drive by the house and he's certainly boxing stuff up and a moving van is out front. He has someone else there with him but not sure who. As much as I wanted to...I stayed away.

 

6) At some point today I'll need to have the talk with the kids - they are going to obviously figure out something is different with the living arrangements.

 

7) Just given how quickly this has transpired over the past few days I remain convinced he was already moving forward with this approach regardless of the polygraph.

 

8) I have not been served - I don't know if he plans to do that himself or go through the attorney/process server?

 

9) I certainly expect at least 50% custody but don't want to spend the money for an attorney. Perhaps I'll be able to see what he's cooking up and then make up my mind. In the past, he's always been fair but I don't expect that this time around.

 

10) I'm angry, hurt but at this point there's nothing I can do. I'm slowly accepting that. I will go speak to a counselor probably later this week. Marriage is so difficult - I know I didn't help but I do love him, I do love the security of a marriage and I hate being alone. If that's a character flaw then it is what it is but I can admit that.

 

11) Regarding his weight loss and patenting it - He started focusing on his diet last month and really kicked it up a few notches earlier this month - i'd have to say he's probably lost close to the 20 lbs he put on over the years. And yes, 20 lbs may not be a lot but I take care of my physique and was hoping he would more. Eitherway doesn't matter now.

 

Lastly, I don't mean to inflict pain or make things overly difficult but I do want to slow the tempo of this thing down a bit - for me (for various reasons..some selfish I know) and for him. I'd like to have a calm, productive conversation about all this - obviously with no kids around. That's not going to happen anytime soon - I get that but it doesn't mean I don't want to discuss it.

 

Oh yeah - regarding him dating comment - I'd expect him not to bring anyone around the kids for several months. I believe this can be added somewhere from what I've read but I need to look into it more.

Edited March 21, 2018 by steph1980nyc