Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[hippychick3]

This thread makes me so sad for both the OP and her husband....we are literally watching a marriage unravel in real time. It's very unlikely that this will not end in divorce.

 

The way I see it, this marriage could possibly survive if:

 

1. Both the OP and her husband still love each other and TRULY want to make it work

2. Both the OP and her husband attend individual and marriage counseling

3. Both the OP and her husband take FULL responsibility for their wrongdoings (and both parties have been very, very wrong...it's irrelevant at this point who was more wrong)

4. Both the OP and her husband put each other and their marriage first and engage in FULL transparency in every aspect of their life

[Maraud3r]

He's been very honest and forthcoming with me, I can't always say the same unfortunately.

THIS is an extremely important point and something that you didn't mention here either. You told us you were honest about your past affair. You told us you didn't get involved with other guys again, you told us you weren't flirting and going out for that reason and that you were honest with your husband but just forgot "some things" and "deleted messages out of habit".

 

Now you are admitting you weren't honest and the way it sounds you weren't honest on several occasions. You don't have to but mind telling us what this dishonesty was about. Did it involve other guys? Because if yes then: "the thoughts that go through my head around him flirting and with some bar rat infuriates me." would be ludicrous. Because it meant you got a tiny piece of what you've put him through for years and are completely outraged at it and want to throw the relationship away.

I don't know what to do now and it seems he's running the show.

So, basically a complete reversal of your relationship up till this point. Imagine things being this way for years.

I just want things to be more normal

So you basically want a return to the status quo? I don't think that is going to happen.

[S2B]

At the base of your post is fear - dressed up to show as control.

 

 

Why do you feel the need to control every little thing?

 

Your husband has taken charge of the awful mess you've left him with and is seeking a better way for himself and possibly the marriage - trust that he knows the way better than what you've been offering to the marriage for years.

 

Take that poly. Get honest so maybe the marriage can change and improve!

 

 

Do not avoid the appointment... do not avoid the progress that's presented to you and the family unit. Fear will keep you stuck every time - move pat that by getting honest and participating in the marriage with complete honesty. Without that this M doesn't stand a chance. Your H knows you're keeping secrets - now is your time to offer up your truth - if you don't the marriage is over.

[FilterCoffee]

He left you with a very small opening. If you have not physically cheated during your marriage, take the polygraph. Your fidelity still matters to him. If you can remove that doubt, you may get the pause you desperately need. Don't make a excuse. Tell him right away you will take the test. He will not expect it and it will stop him in his tracks.

 

This is great advice.

[Yomachi]

The only reason I'd take a polygraph is to show how horribly unreliable they are.

 

I'm not sure what's worse - him being a cheater or him believing in pseudoscience.

 

(I kid! I kid! Obviously cheating is worse. But still, polygraphs don't work)

 

https://www.vox.com/2014/8/14/5999119/polygraphs-lie-detectors-do-they-work

[Cullenbohannon]

The only reason I'd take a polygraph is to show how horribly unreliable they are.

 

I'm not sure what's worse - him being a cheater or him believing in pseudoscience.

 

(I kid! I kid! Obviously cheating is worse. But still, polygraphs don't work)

 

https://www.vox.com/2014/8/14/5999119/polygraphs-lie-detectors-do-they-work

 

If you use this excuse, your just as good as dead. It was your husband that suggested the poly. You asked for a man's POV. It would be wise to listen to the man that matters. He told you what he did and what he didn't do. Those are his boundaries. If you have not crossed that line, take the test.

Edited March 15, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[BarbedFenceRider]

At that point, what difference would it make - he did what he did, talking about why he did it won't help - I know why he did it - he explained it all too clearly for me.

 

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything. I can't even look at him when he comes home tonight. Don't know why he bothered to tell me - at least he was honest and calmly explained it. He wasn't mean about it or condescending

 

You can look at that like that...If you want to lie down in self pity...Or you can take the long distance view and notice that the man has needs. We constantly warned you about his checking out. And he has done it. And he is filling his validation with "others".

 

But they are not "life partners". You know this. And he does too. I do believe that counseling will help regardless. But it also is a neutral ground that I hope you two can find each other in. Don't look at this new antic as something but a means to cope. And your feelings are exactly what HE felt so long ago, as we predicted. But are you BIG enough now, to admit that? Are you ready to wave the white flag and meet in the middle and find each other again?

[Yomachi]

If you use this excuse, your just as good as dead. It was your husband that suggested the poly. You asked for a man's POV. It would be wise to listen to the man that matters. He told you what he did and what he didn't do. Those are his boundaries. If you have not crossed that line, take the test.

 

Oh I agree that you can't really refuse, because it would be suspicious.

 

Just know it's completely bogus. Taking a polygraph test is like asking an astrologer to compare your horoscopes to determine if someone is telling the truth.

 

People on this board seem to be in love with them, and I can see the allure of the idea that there's a way you can determine if someone is lying or not.

 

But again, magic truthtelling devices don't exist.

[S2B]

The poly mainly shows your husband that you are WILLING to be honest with him.

 

Go to the counselor and offer to take the poly. That's a good place to start... throwing all your feelings out there on the table to deal with whatever comes out of all of it. In the end you two still need to be good parents for your kids.

[road]

steph1980, what have you not been honest with your BH?

 

Mistake to not go to MC today.

[steph1980nyc]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

His conversation was essentially that:

 

1. He's focused on bettering his health and the kids - that he would like me to be a part of the journey

2. He reaffirmed he would take a polygraph to get me off his case about how far he went with the bar fly.

3. He expects me to do take one and answer questions about the affair years ago and recent events.

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

In my earlier post I don't think I was clear - I should trust him in what he says as he is usually quite candid and honest with me. I understand why he doesn't feel the same about me. I still question how far he went with this woman but it'll all come out sooner or later. Given his confidence and insistence on taking a poly, I assume he has nothing to hide.

[BluesPower]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

His conversation was essentially that:

 

1. He's focused on bettering his health and the kids - that he would like me to be a part of the journey

2. He reaffirmed he would take a polygraph to get me off his case about how far he went with the bar fly.

3. He expects me to do take one and answer questions about the affair years ago and recent events.

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

In my earlier post I don't think I was clear - I should trust him in what he says as he is usually quite candid and honest with me. I understand why he doesn't feel the same about me. I still question how far he went with this woman but it'll all come out sooner or later. Given his confidence and insistence on taking a poly, I assume he has nothing to hide.

 

I am sure that he has questions about a lot of things...

 

I have a question, do you understand that married people in love actually have sex more than 4 times a year?

 

Do you understand that your issues with sex WILL for sure end your marriage.

 

As weak as your husband is, do you understand that even he will not stand for your anti sex, anti anything else to get him off, lack of respect attitude will leave you alone. And other men will not date a woman your age who does not like sex.

 

Because I don't think he is going to stand for things like they are for very long.

 

Oh, and what did you leave out about your affair? I really want to hear that...

[JDJ]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

 

Translation: I do not want sex with my husband

 

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

Translation: I do not want to be married

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

Translation: I have been lying to him all along

 

 

The only way out of this is divorce. Poor guy to have it drawn out for so long.

[CatMinx]

You two seem to have completely incompatible sex drives and this will undoubtedly drive you apart, if not now then soon. Have you considered an open marriage?

[BettyDraper]

Steph, the bottom line is if you are unwilling to meet your husband's reasonable expectations then you are better off apart. Refusing to wear your wedding ring and attend counseling is petty and immature. It doesn't seem like you're interested in fixing the marriage or else you wouldn't be reluctant to take certain steps.

 

You seem annoyed that your husband wants to be intimate with you when that is a normal part of marriage. I understand the difficulties of vaginismus but that can be treated.

 

I don't think I've ever seen a spouse who is fixated on spiteful rebellion. When I read your posts, all I can think of is a child screaming "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" Don't you think it's time to be more mature and reasonable?

[BaileyB]

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

Well then, you become completely honest and transparent with him. Before the polygraph, sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what you have said here. Tell him that you want to be honest and you don't want him to be surprised by anything that is said during the polygraph. It's really the only thing you can do...

 

I'm glad you went to marriage counselling today. It remains to be seen if this marriage will survive, but you need to give it everything you have to know that even if you decide to separate, you have done your best to keep your family together.

[salparadise]

...and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months.

 

Several people have tried to get you to see the other perspective and your responses indicate that because you don't see anything wrong with this that you have no reason to stop....you completely disregard how it makes your H feel in the M.

 

-the affair

-not coming home after work, and not informing anyone

-refusing to say where you were or who you're with or discuss it generally

-frequent lunch dates with another man, the ex-boss

-suspicious texting (and deleting) with the guy you're having lunch dates with

-leaving H to be solely responsible for home and family

-refusing sex or anything resembling normal marital relations

 

 

After 18 pages of posts, the what has been thoroughly established... but what intrigues me is the WHY!

 

WHY do you think that you should be able to treat your husband and family like this without suffering consequences? Surely you aren't intellectually challenged, but there definitely seems to be a piece missing.

 

Even when you say you get it, you don't. You're aghast that he's trying to preserve a bit of dignity by informing you that he's done and going to a bar to engaging in some social activity... and you somehow rationalize that it should be okay for you but not for him.

 

So what's the missing piece here? Do you feel entitlement, do you have no ability to empathize, do you not comprehend a+b=c type cause and effect scenarios?

 

When you look at this in the context of Kholberg's stages of moral/ethical development, it doesn't even rise to the level of stage one (infancy), which is conformity to avoid punishment or consequences. Because there is no conformity. It's as if you are an exception to all motivations for doing the right thing, and this has been ongoing, not a one off type of thing.

 

Are you introspective enough to have figured out how it works?

[S2B]

At this point I fail to see anything that shows you love your husband.

 

I see you being selfish and self centered. I see you continuing to lie to your husband because you know you've kept the truth from him.

 

I see a complete double standard.

 

I see you trying to keep an easy life with security and comfort with little regard to how that still affects your husband and kids.

 

I see you wiggling away from answering anything that could show an honest woman.

 

I see you wanting to keep a family premise but don't intend to change to make your husband and kids happy.

 

I don't think you want to be bothered by anything changing.

 

And if you don't intend to change EVERYTHING about yourself - including your entitled attitude - then divorce your nice husband.

 

He deserves a wife who truly loves, honors and respects him - and deep down you are NOT that gal.

[Dutchman1]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

His conversation was essentially that:

 

1. He's focused on bettering his health and the kids - that he would like me to be a part of the journey

2. He reaffirmed he would take a polygraph to get me off his case about how far he went with the bar fly.

3. He expects me to do take one and answer questions about the affair years ago and recent events.

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

 

In my earlier post I don't think I was clear - I should trust him in what he says as he is usually quite candid and honest with me. I understand why he doesn't feel the same about me. I still question how far he went with this woman but it'll all come out sooner or later. Given his confidence and insistence on taking a poly, I assume he has nothing to hide.

 

1. Your husband is getting ready to build a life without you, but still and again giving you a chance.

2. Your husband wants to give an example that there can be honesty in a marriage.

3. In this you are getting the ridiculous amount of 1000 chances you own up and be honest.

4. If you don't have feelings for your husband anymore, you should set him free, because this is unhealthy, and there are hundreds of things you could share without an overload of piv. Have you ever sat together and talked how to improve your sexlife?

5. Here was another chance for you, and because of your selfishness and feeling of entitlement you blew it again.

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

What was soo diffrent in your A ? Did you only do oral because of your problem, or you decide on only anal, which you haven.t done with your husband? What could be so terrible to still have to lie? threesomes, gangbangs? Video's? BDSM ?

 

Steph, with all respect, time to own up, it's the only and probably the last chance you will get.

 

Take care, string comes off, big girl panty's on.

 

Dutchman1

[georgia girl]

Steph,

 

I am glad you went to counseling but I think your tactic of trying to take back control over your husband backfired. He’s not buying it anymore. The stunt with the rings was childish and he saw through it. Additionally, after posting that you invited your dad to come and stay so that the guest room would be occupied and he’d have to move back in, when he declares he’s moving back in you balk. This is after you acknowledge that you trust him in regards to his answer about the bar night. You just don’t really want to have a physically intimate relationship with your husband.

 

To be honest, I think you are angry about the bar night because it represents that there could be a life for your husband after you, not because of what happened. You express none of the deep hurt that most spouses who found out their partner has cheated express. Plus, in one post, you talk about how you are a catch and he let himself go and now you are worried that he is getting back in shape.

 

Finally, it’s just me, but I don’t buy that the lunches/texts with the ex-boss were not an affair. If not a physical affair, an emotional one. One doesn’t invest that much energy into a business contact.

 

I think we would all urge you to come clean completely - about the past affair, the current whatever-it-is and about your true feelings for your husband. It’s the only shot you have at actually saving your marriage. I suspect you have been living on lies for so long now, though, that starting to tell the truth is particularly scary because you believe your husband doesn’t know the depth of your lies (perhaps those GNOs weren’t always GNOs) and that he would be completely done. So, you are willing to gamble that some partial truths and strategic acts of control are your best bets. But let me ask you this... how bad can the truth really be? He hasn’t said it but I genuinely suspect that he knows most of it. He is waiting to see if you care enough about him and your kids to actually be honest about it.

 

I wish you luck but mostly, I can’t help but think of your kids. Your husband married you and if he wanted to be your doormat, that was his call. But when kids came into the picture, both of you failed to step up. You failed to be a wife and mother in a way they needed; he failed to hold you accountable for not being the Mom his kids needed. Now, he is standing up and I respect him for that. If you don’t want to be honest, just divorce. Your kids deserve better.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stephen, what Georgia Girl said is spot on. You have a lot to think about. You are still evading the issue and hoping that things settle down without you're having to give an inch. Fact is your husband is no fool. He gave you a long rope to hang yourself and you obliged him. There is now no going back to status quo. You have to turn over a new leaf and by God that leaf should really look shiny and new. You want to get by, by throwing crumbs to your husband but it is not going to work.

 

Have you asked your husband the one important question you should have asked him in this latest session? That question is whether he is committed to working on your relationship and saving it or had he just given up? His actions and attitude seem to point to his having given up mostly and he is hanging by a mete thread. I think he has left the door slightly ajar for you to make the major effort to restore his love for you and confidence in you but apparently you've blown it again. Your attitude points to a couldn't care less one inspire of your arguing to the contrary and I think the time when the bus leaves is almost upon you. If you do not make immediate and herculean effort now that bus will leave you gasping in it's dust. The ball is well and truly in your court. Shape up or ship out. Best wishes.

[road]

Tell your BH that you are willing to tell him the truth now in MC

before you take the poly. This is your commitment to healing the

marriage. Also tell him you were wrong to not accept the offer to

start wearing the rings again, let's do it now.

[BettyDraper]

Marriage and parenting are for adults. Being selfish and puerile has no place in a happy marriage I'm only saying this because The OP's behavior does not match her chronological age. We are all immature in some ways but the OP seems to be stuck in her late adolescence or early twenties at best.

 

It's strange that she prefers frequent visits to bars and clubs rather than spending time with her family. Most people outgrow that stage in their lives once they settle down.

[Cullenbohannon]

Changing who you are because of fear, is not sustainable.

Be who you are. If you are happy hanging out with your friends and talking to your ex boss, then continue to do so. The initial reaction in times of conflict often show the truth.

 

Your truth based upon your last MC show that

 

You love your husband for the companion and father he is. That is the extent of your love for him.

You do not have the desire to be intimate with him.

You don't want to tell him the truth, probably about when the affair actually ended.

You really don't want to put that ring back on.

Your husband is not controlling, it is the marriage that is controlling.

 

You should not force change. You may have to step up a little more with the childcare, but the 2 of you can work it out.

 

Skip the poly, do not put your ring back on and let him go. Your marriage will end, it is simply a matter of time. Don't try to save it. Save the family and become friends with your soon to be ex husband.

 

Blessings for your family.

 

STBH&W

Edited March 16, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[S2B]

It's obvious even WE are trying to pull your truth from you - yet you aren't at all forthcoming. That indicates a cover up/ lies.

 

Since you aren't willing to OFFER your truth to your husband - just divorce him.

 

It's not worth it for him - a lifetime of trying to find some shred of truth? No way can that equate to a happy marriage or love.

 

You're adding ingredients into your marriage that are toxic - and that's your outcome. Just stop. Without the proper intent there is NO WAY for this to recover and be a happy marriage.

 

You're just not "all in". You're still too worried about your cover up plan - your own selfish needs so this won't work.

 

When there's nothing to hide - people hide nothing. I think you've been hiding things so long you know you can't get honest. Look in the mirror and try to become a person you're proud of from here forward.

 

You've harmed your husband long enough - so just let that be finished and he can move forward and find someone who is good to him.