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Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

steph1980nyc

By steph1980nyc
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Agonistes Established Member

Agonistes

Posted
Posted

Wrong as it may have been I may have thrown the plate of food in your face. His patience lasted more than 7 years. His patience has finally been exhausted. He is done with you. You cannot save this marriage. 10 pages of reading have convinced me that you are incapable of the type of humility that it would require. I feel sorry for the kids. He will be just fine without you. Probably better.

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Cullenbohannon Established Member

Cullenbohannon

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Posted (edited)

I am amazed that no one can see the obvious.

 

She hears you, but deep down she doesn't really care. Sure she wants the stability of marriage, but that's about it. She has said so in words and deeds.

 

Her husband is gone, but she was never in this marriage.

 

Waste of time. In a month or so she will be in the SaD section. Where she belongs

Edited by Cullenbohannon
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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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I don't want to prolong the topic but thought I'd share - my father went out and claims he saw him at a local bar (population is fairly small where I am) and apparently he's talking (flirting?) to other women. So I'm guessing he left here and went directly to the bar (and been there for hours!). Absolutely disgusted. He is still married, ring on finger or not. I obviously told my dad to just leave and not say a word - he assured me he did.

 

This is not his personality, I don't recognize this man now. It just seems he's not the same person I met years ago. I've never seen him like this before - his entire personality is different, around here he seems angry - I thought he was miserable outside of the home and it's a bit of a slap in the face.

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months. I'm now concerned he's been up to other activities recently.

 

I've set my dad up in a hotel and he'll be there tomorrow going forward for a few days.

 

I haven't texted my husband at all and haven't heard from him either. But this crap is festering in my head.

 

What I did clearly was wrong, I don't deny it - I should have communicated it better but what he's doing is also not right. I'm not turning this on him - but two wrongs don't make it right.

 

I'm going to use my EAP program at work and seek counseling, all this crap has my anxiety through the roof.

 

Thanks everyone for their input/comments - even the mean ones.

Edited by steph1980nyc
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Maddieandtae Established Member

Maddieandtae

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Violence is never ok...no matter what a person's actions were preceding the plate throwing incident. I don't believe either person in this situation is handling their selves very well.

 

Steph request a therapy/mediator session with your husband. Something needs to change. The tension your kids must be feeling can only be very confusing.

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CardsFan01 Established Member

CardsFan01

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Posted

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months. I'm now concerned he's been up to other activities recently.

.

 

You realize every 2 or 3 months isn’t healthy right? Was that your doing or his?

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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Violence is never ok...no matter what a person's actions were preceding the plate throwing incident. I don't believe either person in this situation is handling their selves very well.

 

Steph request a therapy/mediator session with your husband. Something needs to change. The tension your kids must be feeling can only be very confusing.

 

I didn't see it as violent, it wasn't (the plate) thrown at my direction but since you mentioned it, I suppose it could be him losing control of his anger now. I don't think he'd direct it at me, he never has before but he is not acting like himself. But I do agree - he's not handling himself well and seems to be losing control of things.

 

The kids were with my dad during dinner so they weren't around, and in general other than him being in the guest room he hasn't made a scene when they are around.

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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You realize every 2 or 3 months isn’t healthy right? Was that your doing or his?

 

It was mine, he's complained about it for years but has grown to accept it. The frequency is more or less unchanged over the years. I'm exhausted when I get home and the timing is rarely good. He still makes attempts occasionally - but the more I think about it...probably 6 months or so ago, I put the moves on him and he rejected me. He was complaining it was always about my schedule and my desire and would rather do without. It would have been around New Years since the last time.

lace5262 Member

lace5262

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

 

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months. I'm now concerned he's been up to other activities recently.

 

 

 

[] After all the other crap you've done to this man, you only have sex with him once every 2 - 3 months? I hope he's not too messed up, and he finds himself a good woman.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Trolling insinuation redacted and member moderated
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lace5262 Member

lace5262

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It was mine, he's complained about it for years but has grown to accept it. The frequency is more or less unchanged over the years. I'm exhausted when I get home and the timing is rarely good. He still makes attempts occasionally - but the more I think about it...probably 6 months or so ago, I put the moves on him and he rejected me. He was complaining it was always about my schedule and my desire and would rather do without. It would have been around New Years since the last time.

 

We'll it doesn't look like he's accepting your BS anymore. Good for him. I wish him the best.

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CatMinx Established Member

CatMinx

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Total Fing Disaster.

 

So my dad took the kids out to run errands, husband came out of the room, sat down - no real visible emotion on his face mind you. Had a few bites and then said thanks and started to read the paper. He at least said something.

 

I asked him why he wasn't eating more of it - he said he was trying to eat better and get in shape and wanted to at least have a few bites since he knew I was in the kitchen for over an hour.

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites?? He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

what. the. hell.

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Part of me wants to be in the guest room waiting on him but I think it will just piss him off. He isn't acting like himself at all.

 

Again, you call him controlling for being upset about you deleting texts with another man, and then you throw a tantrum when he doesn’t bow down to you for making one meal for him.

 

Can you please tell us what YOU actually contribute to your marriage?

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Your dad saw im while he was put with your kids? Hmmmm.

 

It seems you invited your dad to your house to come and talk 'some sense' into your husband, because he was giving you a taste of your own medicine.

 

You didn't do any introspection or self reflection after your affair, because If you did, you wouldn't be in this position.

 

From that day onwards you should have been 100% transparent...especially in your interaction with other men. Deleting messages just makes it look like you're up to no good. Then your lunching with other men in a one on one situation.... you have enough energy for weekly GNO...but not for more regular sex with your husband.

 

I believe you haven't had an affair since marriage, at least not physical, but your behaviour would make someone believe you have....adding the fact that you cheated while engaged, where most couples are so loved up and only have eyes for each other, you went into the marriage being a cheat risk for him.

 

The man doesn't feel loved, respected or appreciated by you. I'm sure at this point he's regretting marrying you...but telling himself st least one (or two) good things came out of it ...and that's the kids.

 

His dilemma at the moment ...is probably the anguish of not seeing his kids everyday after divorce.

 

Can I just ask.. (I may have missed this...apologies if you've already said it) the affair? did you confess or did he find out on his own? Was it with a colleague?

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Maraud3r Established Member

Maraud3r

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This is not his personality, I don't recognize this man now. It just seems he's not the same person I met years ago. I've never seen him like this before - his entire personality is different, around here he seems angry - I thought he was miserable outside of the home and it's a bit of a slap in the face.

You do realize that this sounds like your problem with this situation is that he's not miserable, right? It sounds as if you want him to be as miserable outside of your home than he is at home. Which also shows that you do realize on a certain level that HE IS MISERABLE.

 

As for him not being the person you married. No, he isn't. He finally grew up. Your marriage is over. He's right now turning the tables on you. Everything you've written so far makes it seem as if this wasn't a marriage to begin with. It was you doing and getting whatever you wanted and him being a complete doormat.

 

Apparently you're now seeing that even he had his limits and that you finally pushed him to him. You wrote that he tried to talk to you, that he outright begged you, tried to work on things, convince you, make you see his point and ran after you for years.

 

It seems he's done and now you're rapidly entering that position. As he now treats you to an extent the way you did treat im for years. Except he apparently has the decency to make it understood that your relationship is over or as good as over and might very well divorce you soon.

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months. I'm now concerned he's been up to other activities recently.

Normaly I think cheating is a horrid thing to do and people should have the decency to end a relationship before they do. In his case however I sure hope he finally got some action. It sounds like he deserves it.

 

I'm going to use my EAP program at work and seek counseling, all this crap has my anxiety through the roof.

Hoh boy, I wonder what the divorce papers will do once they get served.

 

It was mine, he's complained about it for years but has grown to accept it.

I'd disagree here. He hasn't grown to accept it. He simply stopped CARING about it where YOU are concerned. Everything you're saying, everything that is happening make that out to be the most likely care.

 

He does not care about you anymore, the reason he likely stopped trying to have sex with you is because he does not want to have sex with you. The way this is playing out makes it seem that he can barely stand being around you at this point and might be gone entirely if there weren't children in the mix.

 

You're now rapidly entering the same situation he was in for years. It's horrid, isn't it?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
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You call him controlling, and yet - you withhold sex.

 

There is nothing more to say. Your husband is miserable. I'm not surprised at all that he's talking to women at the bar. There is no reason for him to be at home besides your children...

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Maddieandtae Established Member

Maddieandtae

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Two wrongs never make a right no matter how any of you perceive this marriage to be from so far outside of the live situation.

georgia girl Established Member

georgia girl

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Just my opinion, but this marriage is over. Steph failed to engage and now her husband has disengaged. My advice is to remember that there is a 9- and 6-year-old involved and try to come to an amicable separation and divorce.

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lunarnaut Member

lunarnaut

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Posted (edited)

Steph, you seem to be a carbon copy of my ex-wife. Trust me, he's already gone and checked out, and he'll be so much better for it.

 

I would take this time to work on yourself. Seek therapy, and be honest with yourself and the counselor.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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BarbedFenceRider Established Member

BarbedFenceRider

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Posted

Maybe we can get the mods to change the title of this thread...And get women to interject their thoughts of a good man spiritually murdered by the one he trusted so long ago. That guy WILL NEVER be the same. The anger, the sadness. All just bad. OP killed him, and I fear he will never be the same.

 

Fox news just did a piece on the loss of "men". Lets just add this guy to the pile of western relationship fails. RIP.

 

OP- you need to continue counselling and separate immediately. For his health as well as yours. Just like I said, 180. And now he despises you. You need to go no contact, and move on in your life. And for the love of everything holy....Make sure you get your head straight before partaking in life choices that effect everyone around you. Quit killing the good guys...They aren't around very often.

RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted (edited)

WOW, just WOW.

 

I gotta say, I am SUPER late to the party here - and while, I don't think I can help the OP at all, let me give some words of caution / advice to other cheaters who wish to reconcile.

 

I cheated on my husband, and you know what that means? I have lost some privileges. Now, these are not things my husband demanded I do, no, these are things I voluntarily do, out of respect and obligation.

 

......he's pointed out in the past that I fail to tell the kids I'm going out and will be late, he's made references that I never tell him where i'm going or when I'm going to be home. He is right about those two items, I simply forget.

 

My husband knows where I am 24 hours a day, who I am with, and what I am doing. We text throughout the day - I check in at lunch, I let him know when I am headed home from work, when I get to my gym, when I am done, when I am headed to the grocery store, etc. Its his right to know, and its my duty to inform him.

 

Going out in the evening, and not telling him I would be late in unfathomable. Not only from a "cheating" standpoint, but because he would be worried about me. Same for me, if he just disappeared one evening I would be extremely worried about him. We stay in contact, thats how it works.

 

Next, in the past he asked questions about what I do during my lunch hours - he's tried to have lunch with me in the past but with the commute time and schedules never seems to work out. He asked if I have 1x1 lunches with a member of the opposite sex - which I do.

 

NOPE, this is another privilege lost. Unless he says "yes, I want you to have lunch with Jim, no worries!" then you just don't do it. If he says it makes him uncomfortable, you never do again. Place you marriage above a lunch with a guy.

 

He also made it known that apparently my laptop was making noises over the past few weeks and he was aware of all the frequent messages that I've been exchanging with my former boss as it was displaying on the laptop. I always delete the messages - just a habit

 

No no no no.... he has full access to my computer, cell phone whatever. Hiding stuff - NO! just NO!!! Not unless you are looking to get divorced.

 

You know the Golden Rule? Yeah that. After you have broken someone's trust, you have to accept it will never be fully restored. Every day you have to take extra steps.

Edited by RecentChange
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Maddieandtae Established Member

Maddieandtae

Posted
Posted

Recent Change I agree with you and how a former cheating spouse should conduct their selves. Your post is awesome and hits major points without cruelty and assumptions. You are one of the valuable posters who's posts I really appreciate:)

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Foxy Knoxy Member

Foxy Knoxy

Posted
Posted (edited)
He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?

 

Because you did it "to get a reaction" not because you really wanted to. Or maybe you did really want to remove them. By what you're saying, it's hard to tell I guess.

 

Sweetie, he's checked out. Men don't remove their wedding rings when they're still in love with their wives and hope to work it out.

 

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

I don't think he considers you a catch anymore. You have proven not to be.

 

You STILL don't get it. Whether or not you are actually cheating doesn't matter. He is uncomfortable with what you are doing - understandably, considering your past. It's not about "holding it over your head for eternity", it's about you behaving in a way that has proven in the past to be untrustworthy. Anyone with self-respect would recognize this and pull away.

 

If you loved and respected your husband you would make his feelings a priority over fun lunchtime with your boss, over going out and conveniently forgetting to tell him details, and dumping this attitude that how dare he question you.

 

What's going on is self-inflicted. You are hurting your husband and kids. He should be cold - you've been cold to him.

 

What I did clearly was wrong, I don't deny it - I should have communicated it better but what he's doing is also not right. I'm not turning this on him - but two wrongs don't make it right.

 

This is very true.

 

Many of us suspected he was seeking company but that doesn't mean we all think it's right of him. The right thing to do is settle your divorce first or least officially separate before going down that road.

 

Though understand, this is your Dad's observation of "flirting" with other women in a bar. He could be wrong, but let's say he's right. Really, is that very different from what you've described with your boss? Laughing, having a good time, talking about your lives. Bystanders might easily think it's flirting. Please tell me that you understand how - even though 2 wrongs don't make a right - you are essentially doing the same thing?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Foxy Knoxy Member

Foxy Knoxy

Posted
Posted

For the last few pages, all I got out of this thread is all the "odd" behavior that YOU noticed. Nothing about the good things that this man does to hold the fire for you...

 

Even when she mentioned how he had the kids fed, she still had to throw in that he didn't make food for her. He wasn't considerate in this moment but look how inconsiderate she's been, by her own admission.

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Foxy Knoxy Member

Foxy Knoxy

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Posted
I see quite a few women here, it's also one of the few times I see people from across the board being so unified in opinions and views on a matter aside from 1-2 outliers.

 

It's if anything, quite telling.

 

The thing is, we are going by what Steph has told us. People usually paint themselves in a more flattering light. That speaks volumes, considering what she has told us is already not flattering.

 

She chose to post here, she chose to tap dance around advice and insist again and again that she has done nothing wrong. Until we get more information, she is clearly off base.

Foxy Knoxy Member

Foxy Knoxy

Posted
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No no no no.... he has full access to my computer, cell phone whatever. Hiding stuff - NO! just NO!!! Not unless you are looking to get divorced.

 

Exactly!

 

And the thing is ... if you are secretive and evasive, about one friend or every friend, he will be even MORE determined to check your messages. Be transparent and he will not think about it anymore.

pheonixrisen Established Member

pheonixrisen

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thanks for the reply - so you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present? And people say women are vindictive....

 

I think he could be upset or becoming tit-for-tat that I have girls nights/happy hours once a week and he doesn't go out - so maybe he's using this as justification to go out.

 

I obviously can't show him my deleted messages - so I don't see how I can earn his trust while he's not communicating and while he's not being forthcoming about what he's doing.

 

Lastly, my ex boss is married......and if I wanted to do something I would have been able to make my moves prior to my engagement but didn't.

 

 

He is not being vindictive nor doing tit for tat he is drawing boundaries what works for him and what does not and taking action to move away because clearly your actions are not working for him after he is made that known to you.

 

You cheated on him and he forgave you but that does not mean he forgot what you are capable of or that you are able to cross boundaries .I am 6 years in reconciliation you don't completely heal from it you learn to live with it and in time it fades but the scar still remains and my husband who I was OK and open to most things before his affair because I trusted him now knows my boundaries. And one of them is I am not OK with him meeting a woman having lunch dinner etc...one on one ...if he wants he can still do it as I cannot stop a grown person from doing what they want let me know and I will be gone .

 

Perhaps your husband should have done the same

 

you clearly know if deleting msgs are a habit then you would delete all msgs clearly it's a very selective habit ...either you do have something to hide or you love playing with your husband sanity on purpose in both situation regarding the email and telling where you are and when you will be back ...for him you are a wrong partner and he is doing the right thing to protect him self .

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

Posted
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Posted

I'd like to answer some of the questions raised the other day:

 

our kids are definitely his. He covered those bases after he found out about the affair and had genetic testing completed.

 

The frequency of intimacy has been unchanged since marriage, I know he doesn't like it - he's been vocal about it. I had surgery to help make things less painful but its not enjoyable for me. He's suggested other "activities" but i'm not into those and won't do them.

 

Today is officially week 2 of him staying the guest room - he recently came home this morning after being gone over 24 hours. We had a productive talk, he displayed zero emotion and no empathy - he started the conversation with 'I'm not going to pay for two places to live and I've been looking at apartments in the area". He was all over the map in what he was saying but I get the gist of it:

 

  • He wants to officially sell the home, split the proceeds 50/50 and live separately but not impact the kids schools
  • He wants joint custody
  • He handed me a card for a counselor he's been seeing and said the next session is on Monday at 1:00. I told him I have a work function and his answer was - you claim you want this to work, I guess I'll see how badly here soon.

 

Why give me a card to a counselor while he wants to sell the home and separate it doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I tried to explain my side, apologize, ask if he would pause the items in the list above until we've had more time to communicate but he said no.

 

He also told me not to communicate with him on his upcoming trip that he wanted to take - he clearly said, no calls, no e-mails, no texts - "I don't want to hear from you unless there's an emergency with the kids"

 

I can't bear him moving out, this upcoming trip is giving me all sorts of anxiety, at least he's talking now but he isn't displaying any emotion.

 

How can I help him see I want to try...that there's a glimmer of hope in this?

 

I didn't ask him about the flirting and where's he's been...but its really messing with my head. He would go nuts if I was doing this and not comign home at all.

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