Can this be turned around?

[jjgitties]

Prob Thurs or Fri.

 

Something tells me someone is gonna ask for money.

[elaine567]

Something tells me someone is gonna ask for money.

 

And it may not be her, so just be very careful.

[LilySun]

You said that you may have a drink because she wants to get drinks with you. Whatever you do, watch any beverage you have like a hawk. Don't even go to the bathroom without it. It's pretty easy to slip someone a Mickey and take off with your wallet.

And again more X rated stuff but telling you she's worried men only want her for sex. Nothing about this makes sense. That's like a cab driver saying I only want him for a ride...

[GemmaUK]

Definitely not a dude, have spoken to her and seen pictures.

 

 

Its quite bizarre I agree. I'll stick with it, a walk around an aquarium and lunch seems fairly harmless.

 

 

Watched a movie yesterday which made me wonder if I need to try something different with my idea of how to date...

 

What was the movie?

What is the thing you're going to do differently?

[ZA Dater]

Well there has been no communication from her today. I think I am going to just let this go unless she contacts me again. Pity because the attention was actually quite nice.

 

Not really sure what she was hoping for to be honest. Methinks she simply got cold feet, what was nice is that we had some shared interests.

[ZA Dater]

What was the movie?

What is the thing you're going to do differently?

 

"Catch me if you can" in essence maybe the way to succeed at dating is embellish things to a certain extent to make a truth look a little more desirable.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

"Catch me if you can" in essence maybe the way to succeed at dating is embellish things to a certain extent to make a truth look a little more desirable.

 

This is not a strategy that will work well.

[BaileyB]

"Catch me if you can" in essence maybe the way to succeed at dating is embellish things to a certain extent to make a truth look a little more desirable.

 

Clearly not a stragegy that will work well for you. It's a movie, not real life.

[Chilli]

Are you 100% this is not a dude

 

That's one thing l was also thinkin , could be a set up.

l mean holy hell l'm surprised day in out reading round here at how forward women must be over there but this one takes the cake otherwise.

Edited January 3, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

"Catch me if you can" in essence maybe the way to succeed at dating is embellish things to a certain extent to make a truth look a little more desirable.

 

 

People do it everyday anyway, date site pics, their write ups. turning it on in a club or somewhere.

[ZA Dater]

This is not a strategy that will work well.

 

 

 

With due respect clearly my current ideas aren't working too well either...so I might as well roll the dice and if the opportunity arises give this a try. People are always saying, read this book, watch this vid and essentially most of them seemingly (the videos) prescribe something similar.

 

 

Lets see, I don't get many opportunities in a year so what approach I take is largely decided on a whim.

 

 

Why wont this strategy work well? All you are doing is taking the truth and sweetening it slightly and taking away some of the rough edges.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

With due respect clearly my current ideas aren't working too well either...so I might as well roll the dice and if the opportunity arises give this a try. People are always saying, read this book, watch this vid and essentially most of them seemingly (the videos) prescribe something similar.

 

 

Lets see, I don't get many opportunities in a year so what approach I take is largely decided on a whim.

 

 

Why wont this strategy work well? All you are doing is taking the truth and sweetening it slightly and taking away some of the rough edges.

 

I'll amend my original statement to say it won't work well long term. It may get you a date, and may even get you laid. But starting off a dating relationship with fabrications will not end in anything good or long term.

[ZA Dater]

I'll amend my original statement to say it won't work well long term. It may get you a date, and may even get you laid. But starting off a dating relationship with fabrications will not end in anything good or long term.

 

 

 

Long term for me could be defined as two dates....

 

 

Needless to say I haven't heard anything from this lady today, apparently she had some allergic reaction to something she ate and cut off the conversation with "I'll speak to you later".

 

 

I will say like everyone here the whole scenario is weird.

 

 

More about her, she has been in town two months, moved around a lot, works and studies, by all accounts a very good looking lady, 37yo and no kids. Loves normal type things, walking on the beach, environmental things and just seems nice to me, even fickle me is battling to find fault and I can see some potential...yet.

 

 

My inherent logic always is, if it seems too good to be true it usually is, especially with my past record.

[Chilli]

lf she was legit then eh , ya must have something, might be being too hard on yourself, Never had an attractive women l don't even know throwing herself at me all over my phone like that.

 

Downside , on the date site l just joined , all the scammers are supposedly 37 yr olds and model looks, their pics are just stolen model pics from the net, don't ask me why 37, no idea new at this but , nearly always 37, sometimes 36.

 

Gotta admit , the curiosity would be killing me because these ones won't meet or skype, he can't of course or if they do skype or do a phone call they use a female accomplish.

Edited January 3, 2018 by Chilli

[GemmaUK]

I'm not entirely averse to you giving the Catch Me style a bit of a go.

Going OTT for a time could help your confidence as long as you reign it back and don't continue with it long term.

Could get you into trouble if you actually tell lies though.

 

If you have a time and date set up already is there any real need for contact in between?

[Trip2TheSky]

ZA Dater, to put things into perspective; the first thing I want to suggest is that perhaps you are trying too hard and the next thing I suggest is to stop ripping yourself apart in your own head.

 

I have read plenty of posts and threads you've written and you are selling yourself short.

 

You constantly remind me of someone I know and that pays you a compliment based on who that person is.

 

Don't read into or be bothered by a reply on this forum, because these people have no clue who you are and how important integrity is to you.

 

You want to know why dating hasn't been a success? It's because you doom yourself from the start by being afraid of who you are and set on believing that no one would want you ..

 

It's in the vibe you bring to every meet up, party or room. It's that lack of confidence that should not be there to begin with.

 

You need to figure out when and how you lost yourself and you need to forgive your past, yourself and start seeing that you've been that same person you thought would never come back.

 

I truly believe you scare people with the level of your integrity and have high expectations to get the same in return when we live in a very cruel world.

 

Don't lower those standards, but you need to find yourself and rediscover the ability to forgive a person when they end up lacking that same integrity, because if you don't, it's going to make you push the right one away.

 

I hope this is helpful and I base this response on all the other things you've written on here.

 

Hang in there and remember that you should be best friends with yourself in life.

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater, to put things into perspective; the first thing I want to suggest is that perhaps you are trying too hard and the next thing I suggest is to stop ripping yourself apart in your own head.

 

I have read plenty of posts and threads you've written and you are selling yourself short.

 

You constantly remind me of someone I know and that pays you a compliment based on who that person is.

 

Don't read into or be bothered by a reply on this forum, because these people have no clue who you are and how important integrity is to you.

You want to know why dating hasn't been a success? It's because you doom yourself from the start by being afraid of who you are and set on believing that no one would want you ..

 

It's in the vibe you bring to every meet up, party or room. It's that lack of confidence that should not be there to begin with.

 

You need to figure out when and how you lost yourself and you need to forgive your past, yourself and start seeing that you've been that same person you thought would never come back.

 

I truly believe you scare people with the level of your integrity and have high expectations to get the same in return when we live in a very cruel world.

 

Don't lower those standards, but you need to find yourself and rediscover the ability to forgive a person when they end up lacking that same integrity, because if you don't, it's going to make you push the right one away.

 

I hope this is helpful and I base this response on all the other things you've written on here.

 

Hang in there and remember that you should be best friends with yourself in life.

 

 

 

I really appreciate this, thanks very much. There is a lot of truth in this and actually I'd say you are 99% correct with the above.

 

 

The integrity problem is something I battle with when it comes to dating, there are things I simply would not do to someone else, yet they are common practice at dating which seems to follow onto the next bold point. It just seems to me you need to be X to actually find any sort of success.

 

 

For example friend says to me I should come out with him this evening and meet his two (hot) blond friends from Finland. Part of me wants to go but the reality is I don't fit in and it just becomes a very awkward few hours where I just feel like said bold point.

 

 

If I think back it wasn't really any one event it was continuously being rejected all the time, a bit like standing in the ring and being punched over and over again. I was 16 the first time I asked someone out, in front of a huge group of people, I got turned down, I then tried to ask someone else out, even sent them flowers and got rejected and the rejections came thick and fast, its all I have ever known and yes I think this has robbed me of any sort of dating confidence. Had there been some success then I think I might have retained some sort of dating confidence.

 

 

I try balance the scales of finding other things which I enjoy and try get those to balance out dating, doesn't always work though.

 

 

This thread is actually a case in point, here I have tried and ultimately got nowhere, I tried to ignore certain things hoping other things would negate them, probably a hallmark of desperation.

[ZA Dater]

I'm not entirely averse to you giving the Catch Me style a bit of a go.

Going OTT for a time could help your confidence as long as you reign it back and don't continue with it long term.

Could get you into trouble if you actually tell lies though.

 

If you have a time and date set up already is there any real need for contact in between?

 

 

 

No contact with her at all today, I am quite past the point of begging people to go out with me. I reckon I am going to just leave this one, if she did this with me, she did it with other despite saying "I don't think Tinder is for me I don't want a random hook up".

 

 

If she contacts me I might go for a water with her but I doubt she will.

 

 

The date wasn't formally set up it was a case of "Ill let you know".

 

 

A good friend of mine does try to get me to go out with him and his legions of lady friends but I am just not "fun" enough to actually fit in at all, without exception these ladies are all stunning, all 20's but as attractive the idea is the reality is anything but.

 

 

I hate saying this and I will get heavily criticised for saying so but I would love someone who I can compromise with and who can compromise with me.

[Trip2TheSky]

You're very welcome for what I wrote for you. I am also huge on integrity, but the mistakes I made along the way brought me to my selling point and being an honest person is a hard task when we live in a world littered with dishonest people.

 

The bottom line is that there is nothing wrong with you. You're genuine and that scares 99% of whoever you will meet in life into giving up on living up to those standards, but why change who you are or level of integrity to fit in?

 

I'll never fit in; my friend I mentioned will never fit in, because we are diamonds in the rough. We will never fit the norms, because they consist of selfish people who are only out for themselves. Sometimes it's easy to slip into the norm on occasion, but sometimes there is no other alternative and it's always hard being stuck in such a position.

 

You are too unique and genuine for this world. That's not your fault. Not your fault you don't have superficial needs and are down to earth.

 

You don't realise your worth. Nothing is hopeless, but you deserve to find happiness and love.

 

Keep me posted and keep hanging in there.

[Imajerk17]

I think Trip2TheSky (post #91) makes some good points. I do think ZA tries too hard. Or at least he takes rejection far too seriously. But I don't think people here believe that ZA shouldn't value integrity as he does (indeed he should). He gets the advice that he does on here, because he comes across a bit stiff, lmaybe even self-righteous (which isn't the same as having integrity).

 

The not-drinking thing is a huge example. There isn't anything wrong really with deciding not to drink. It just boggles my mind why ZA makes the fact that he doesn't drink such an issue. There are plenty of single women out there who lead healthy wholesome lifestyles who would hardly be bothered by that. As his prospective dates keep vanishing when he mentions that he doesn't drink, he clearly isn't screening for these women though. (On that note, I suspect that Tinder, which may be predisposed to those with more socially liberal views, isn't the place for ZA to find women compatible with him.)

 

OR maybe instead ZA comes across a bit self-righteous in his not drinking? I wonder in what context does ZA decide to share this. As in maybe the girl is chatting with ZA about how yesterday she went out for drinks for her friend's birthday and what fun they had, and then bamm! out comes the "I don't drink" line, stopping the conversation dead in its tracks.

 

Anyway getting back to trying too hard, I find myself wondering why you (ZA) are going on the date with this girl who is the subject of this thread. Something about her story is not adding up, and (assuming that "she" is indeed a she who is representing herself fairly) if she got drunk by herself, then how are you and she really compatible. Seems like a next to me...

Edited January 4, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Trip2TheSky]

ZA Dater has every right to feel that he is too good for anyone and this comes from me feeling too good for this world myself and discovering the harsh reality that is having a bigger heart and moral compass than most.

 

ZA got burnt too many times and each time it had a very significantly negative outcome on his self esteem and how he views the world as a whole.

 

If he is anything like me then everything someone says to him has value and meaning, including reply's on forums. I'm sure seeing that mankind across the globe still lie while they are under an anonymous guise on these types of websites lets him down even more in the hopes that kindness, love and integrity exist somewhere on this earth.

 

He has all my respect and kudos and I hope you all are kind to him and those who may have shown disrespect to him and his beliefs should apologise.

 

If he's anything like me and that other person I see in his writing, then he is hurting and feeling let down by how cruel people have been when all he ever wanted was someone genuine by his side to face that harsh reality as a team.

 

It's hard for me to care about anyone anymore after how badly I've been burned by people, because it's hard to believe another person could ever genuinely care for me after getting my heart shattered over and over by friends, family and spouses. However, I care about ZA and he gave me hope for mankind as well as that other genuine person did and I actually smiled at strangers today, because I realize that maybe I became solitary way too soon in life and should try trusting again.

[Imajerk17]

"I'm single and dateless because I'm too virtuous for everyone else!! My moral compass is just too strong!!"

 

I am sorry but that mindset is actually not helpful to anyone least of all the OP. It is the mantra of the so-called *ahem* Nice Guys worldwide who use it to rationalize their lack of success in dating. And it is probably wrong. I mean, I know of at least a few women who spend their days selflessly helping and caring for others AND who like to go out and have a good time with their friends. Sometimes even in bars and clubs .

 

Truth is, most women, including most of the women whom ZA talks to off Tinder, will show up at least for the first date and maybe even the 2nd if the fella comes across as a reasonably fun normal guy who isn't an axe murderer. It's not that difficult.

 

(By the way, as far this the whole drinking thing, even Jesus Himself turned water into wine. And it was actually **after the first vat of wine was already consumed** and people already had a bit of a buzz.)

Edited January 4, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Moves Like Jagger]

First, the woman in this thread is a flake. I wouldn't worry too much about her.

 

ZA Dater, I read a lot of your threads. It seems that you spend over 90% of your time trying to meet women through dating apps instead of outside of the Internet. The problem is that women in online websites get more attention online than outside. I heard of women getting over 50 messages a day.

 

How about spending a little more time focused on meeting girls in places like Meetup Groups, bars, and nightclubs while still relying on dating apps as the primary place to meet women?

 

I also think you' need to focus time just focusing on your communication skills and vibes. I heard of guys taking an improv comedy class. It is a good opportunity to practice on adjusting your vibe.

 

With that said, I also think that people have given you a lot of great advice. I think others are correct that you're not getting second dates because you appear too shy and stiff?

 

I think in your situation, you need to find out why you're not confident in social situations. Giving you advice on your vibe or dating style won't work if there is a psychological block preventing you from following our advice. A lot of guys struggle with dating because their parents were overprotective or they spend most of their time on solitary activities like reading. Being serious, having a poker face, and staying on topic are productive in a work or school environment. However, those behaviors can make you look stifled in a social situation. Who is a cute woman with an amazing personality going to pick? The social, affectionate, guy with a sense of humor or the serious guy that treats dates like a job interview.

[ZA Dater]

First, the woman in this thread is a flake. I wouldn't worry too much about her.

 

ZA Dater, I read a lot of your threads. It seems that you spend over 90% of your time trying to meet women through dating apps instead of outside of the Internet. The problem is that women in online websites get more attention online than outside. I heard of women getting over 50 messages a day.

 

How about spending a little more time focused on meeting girls in places like Meetup Groups, bars, and nightclubs while still relying on dating apps as the primary place to meet women?

 

I also think you' need to focus time just focusing on your communication skills and vibes. I heard of guys taking an improv comedy class. It is a good opportunity to practice on adjusting your vibe.

 

With that said, I also think that people have given you a lot of great advice. I think others are correct that you're not getting second dates because you appear too shy and stiff?

 

I think in your situation, you need to find out why you're not confident in social situations. Giving you advice on your vibe or dating style won't work if there is a psychological block preventing you from following our advice. A lot of guys struggle with dating because their parents were overprotective or they spend most of their time on solitary activities like reading. Being serious, having a poker face, and staying on topic are productive in a work or school environment. However, those behaviors can make you look stifled in a social situation. Who is a cute woman with an amazing personality going to pick? The social, affectionate, guy with a sense of humor or the serious guy that treats dates like a job interview.

 

 

 

Thought provoking post. I think I best decide what I want to be good at them because clearly its a mutual exclusive choice! Trust me I know who they pick and yes you are correct, we are what we are unfortunately, I don't believe people can fundamentally change their personality, you can for a time but ultimately what you are will always be what you are.

 

 

So yes, I cant disagree with you!

 

 

I am not interested in nigh clubs and bars, I have been to those places, there is no common ground with those people, the articulate, serious personality doesn't work there and besides I genuinely think 85% of people who go to those places hope to hook up.

 

 

People who get my humour laugh but most simply don't, it sails right over them, like the Titanic over an iceberg....the comparison is relevant because my dates usually sink as fast as the Titanic did!

 

 

The way I see it, the world isn't a fair place, there are no certainties, there are no assurances. There are haves and have not's and unfortunately some of us can date and others cannot. Pure logic says we cant all be successful at it.

[elaine567]

 

People who get my humour laugh but most simply don't, it sails right over them, like the Titanic over an iceberg....the comparison is relevant because my dates usually sink as fast as the Titanic did!.

 

Well you change your humour then and don't say you can't because people do that all the time. It is called being flexible. You adapt your humour to your audience.

 

No-one laughs, no-one gets it, awkward silences, then stop it, what's the point?

Or is the point, no-one gets me, oh woe is me?

 

Unless you put yourself out there and "get" what makes others laugh, what makes others tick, then you are always going to be that shy, rigid, awkward guy in the corner who no-one "gets".