Can this be turned around?

[browzer]

I am not interested in changing my thinking. It's worked brilliantly at other aspects of life..so really is it so bad to not date?

 

ZA your way of thinking and doing may be working brilliantly for you in other aspects but it certainly isn't working for you when it comes to meeting a life partner. Does it matter if you date? Not to me, but to you it would appear so, from the sheer numbers, size and frequency of your dating failure posts, it seems to matter to you quite a bit.

 

Personally I could never imagine going through life without a partner by my side, a woman who loves me, cares for me, cooks me great meals and gives me great sex, with whom I explore new adventures as I learn more about her and myself. Someone who I trust, and care for in return, who I know will have my back for now and forever.

 

Others live like hermits with few or no friends and never meet a life partner.

 

Perhaps they don't care.

 

Your mileage may vary.

[ZA Dater]

ZA your way of thinking and doing may be working brilliantly for you in other aspects but it certainly isn't working for you when it comes to meeting a life partner. Does it matter if you date? Not to me, but to you it would appear so, from the sheer numbers, size and frequency of your dating failure posts, it seems to matter to you quite a bit.

 

Personally I could never imagine going through life without a partner by my side, a woman who loves me, cares for me, cooks me great meals and gives me great sex, with whom I explore new adventures as I learn more about her and myself. Someone who I trust, and care for in return, who I know will have my back for now and forever.

 

Others live like hermits with few or no friends and never meet a life partner.

 

Perhaps they don't care.

 

Your mileage may vary.

 

Sure id like those things to as would millions of others but the reality is not everyone gets it. I've chased it for a long time but on balance I can't say that time was wisely spent.

 

I totally get what you are saying but can a person miss what they haven't experienced?

 

Big part of me fears being alone but I'd rather be that than unhappy chasing people who don't want me or worse still someone I don't really want to begin with.

 

This romantic notion sold in movie scripts doesn't exist in my eyes.

 

People try set me up but it's like putting a puzzle in water and hoping the pieces still fit together. They never really like me no matter what I do which includes suggestions made here. I have read similar, I have watched YouTube videos.

 

I do try.

[GemmaUK]

Drive and ambition in dating or lack of shows to the person sitting next to you when you're on a date. Do you not even realise that??!!

 

Moving on...

Nobody has answered my question where do you meet singles

 

I already did in your last thread (and several before that also - quite a lot of your threads actually), please don't tell me you have a terrible memory too!

I gave you extensive things to look for when out and about anywhere.

 

You only look for yourself though, you don't look for the women who are looking at you. When you did try my advice (the once) you spotted a woman who you liked who was married and with her husband.

So sorry, I don't believe she will have given you the openly flirty 'I like the look of you' signals which I spent so much time writing and describing.

Of course it's going to fail if that is all you ever do.

You hang around with models and that is really what you want - but she has to be learned and let's face it she has to be K.

 

K is where your threads started back almost 3 years ago and nothing has changed much at all over almost 3 years and 102 threads you have started about your lack of dating success.

[Cookiesandough]

Sure id like those things to as would millions of others but the reality is not everyone gets it. I've chased it for a long time but on balance I can't say that time was wisely spent.

 

I totally get what you are saying but can a person miss what they haven't experienced?

 

Big part of me fears being alone but I'd rather be that than unhappy chasing people who don't want me or worse still someone I don't really want to begin with.

 

This romantic notion sold in movie scripts doesn't exist in my eyes.

 

People try set me up but it's like putting a puzzle in water and hoping the pieces still fit together. They never really like me no matter what I do which includes suggestions made here. I have read similar, I have watched YouTube videos.

 

I do try.

 

I agree with you. Both sides of the coin have their pros and cons. You have a partner and want a happy rship, you have to be more flexible. You have to compromise. She wants to go to a club one night with friends and you're not feeling it, she will be sad or upset if you say no so you have to endure that miserable (for you) environment for your relationship. Your attraction to her may wane over time or hers may wane for you. You might start wishing you were on the other side of the fence occasionally. You may start reminiscing on the time you were a single, free man who could do what he wanted, go where he wanted, stay home when he wanted, never have to pretend-laugh at a joke, never have to hang out with someone else's family, never accidentally touch a hot curl iron, and could leave a used ramen bowl on the floor without getting batched out

Edited January 12, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[ZA Dater]

ZA your way of thinking and doing may be working brilliantly for you in other aspects but it certainly isn't working for you when it comes to meeting a life partner. Does it matter if you date? Not to me, but to you it would appear so, from the sheer numbers, size and frequency of your dating failure posts, it seems to matter to you quite a bit.

 

Personally I could never imagine going through life without a partner by my side, a woman who loves me, cares for me, cooks me great meals and gives me great sex, with whom I explore new adventures as I learn more about her and myself. Someone who I trust, and care for in return, who I know will have my back for now and forever.

 

Others live like hermits with few or no friends and never meet a life partner.

 

Perhaps they don't care.

 

Your mileage may vary.

 

Drive and ambition in dating or lack of shows to the person sitting next to you when you're on a date. Do you not even realise that??!!

 

Moving on...

 

 

I already did in your last thread (and several before that also - quite a lot of your threads actually), please don't tell me you have a terrible memory too!

I gave you extensive things to look for when out and about anywhere.

 

You only look for yourself though, you don't look for the women who are looking at you. When you did try my advice (the once) you spotted a woman who you liked who was married and with her husband.

So sorry, I don't believe she will have given you the openly flirty 'I like the look of you' signals which I spent so much time writing and describing.

Of course it's going to fail if that is all you ever do.

You hang around with models and that is really what you want - but she has to be learned and let's face it she has to be K.

 

K is where your threads started back almost 3 years ago and nothing has changed much at all over almost 3 years and 102 threads you have started about your lack of dating success.

 

Great so I must pretend to be enthusiastic. Very honest approach. People don't give me those signals I can't say more than that. Sure I can use success to get someone who wants some of the trappings of it but then I need to be able to endure poorly educated, poorly spoken which isn't a trade off that interests me.

 

You paint this picture of ease which you know isn't true but persist to say I didn't try when I do. You also refuse to entertain the idea the suggestions aren't working for me. Furthermore I have no idea what models have to do with this.

 

You may have stated suggestions.

 

I'd simply give up if someone nice actually showed some interest. I can simply tick the mutual attraction thing off and move on.

[browzer]

I totally get what you are saying but can a person miss what they haven't experienced?

 

A need to be part of a couple is simply human nature, you can certainly long for something that you don't completely understand.

 

Big part of me fears being alone but I'd rather be that than unhappy chasing people who don't want me or worse still someone I don't really want to begin with.

 

I guess if and when it gets to that point you'll simply give up, but it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

 

I do try.

 

You haven't changed your methods in the years that you've been posting here. You keep doing and saying the same things the same way, over and over again, resistant to new ideas and suggestions and maintaining rigid views that eliminate many or most of women from the potential dating pool while the vast majority of them have already eliminated you after one phone call or brief meeting. It's a no win scenario.

 

It's like a guy banging his head repeatedly against a brick wall and saying "Why haven't I broken through to the other side yet, all I got from this effort is a massive headache".

[browzer]

Great so I must pretend to be enthusiastic. Very honest approach.

 

It's not about being honest or dishonest. It's about putting your best foot forward and doing things and going places that are outside your comfort zone because when you date you are stepping out of your self imposed safety bubble and there's another person in the equation.

 

Yes you need to be enthusiastic, and even if you don't feel it, you need to fake it til you make it.

 

I get it, with your extremely high failure levels it's almost impossible to be enthusiastic but what are your options? Go into each date with an attitude of "I expect to fail" and you certainly will.

 

Fake it until you make it. Present yourself to the other person in a way that they will become interested.

 

Or keep beating your head against a brick wall for another 30 years or until you give up, whichever comes first.

[Cookiesandough]

What hobbies do you enjoy? Maybe I can help think up some places you could meet women

[ZA Dater]

A need to be part of a couple is simply human nature, you can certainly long for something that you don't completely understand.

 

 

 

I guess if and when it gets to that point you'll simply give up, but it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

 

 

 

You haven't changed your methods in the years that you've been posting here. You keep doing and saying the same things the same way, over and over again, resistant to new ideas and suggestions and maintaining rigid views that eliminate many or most of women from the potential dating pool while the vast majority of them have already eliminated you after one phone call or brief meeting. It's a no win scenario.

 

It's like a guy banging his head repeatedly against a brick wall and saying "Why haven't I broken through to the other side yet, all I got from this effort is a massive headache".

 

Oh yes I forgot I must be something I am not in the hope being that attracts something I might want. There is no win in that. A win is being who you are and attracting what you want.

 

Well you contend I do the same things, that's not true. I even tried seeking arrangement. I tried meeting different people, I smile at people. I try be less serious. Heck I even try small talk.

 

The bottom line is people seem to want x and I am a. I can't become x but maybe I can be c. That doesn't seen good enough.

 

I am certainly closer to giving up than I am at the start point, only my resentful hate of giving up keeps me going.

 

Case in point I was perfectly happy sitting at home watching the sun set, swimming, had some dinner. Did not feel the least bit interested in going out looking. Go looking to just feel out of it, go looking to loose out to a better looking guy or a more normal one. No upsides there, you tell me an upside and I'll go looking tomorrow.

 

Maybe if every experience wasn't bad I'd want it more.

 

You tell me what you would change without completely selling myself out? All I get is told seemingly everything about me is no good, I appear to have no redeeming factors at all.

[ZA Dater]

What hobbies do you enjoy? Maybe I can help think up some places you could meet women

 

I like cars, I like driving, I write about cars, I run a car club. I work in finance and private equity mergers and acquisitions. I like the outdoors and the beach.

 

It would be nice for someone to make an effort with me versus me begging.

[Cookiesandough]

You obviously have redeeming factors if you get dates with women and they are throwing themselves at you sexually. Your problem is that beyond that you struggle to keep the attraction. I am not saying this is you - but I have been on dates with attractive guys or who I initially thought were attractive, but they were so boring, so 'stiff', so rigid..and frankly, dull. I felt more like I was on a date with my employer. It just killed all the attraction. What made it worse was that they seemed to take my politeness as a sign I was still interested, kept texting, kept initiating, and I eventually just blocked them. I wasn't afraid of them. Just a lot of immature people ghost/get people they no longer want to talk to out of their hair that way because it's easy *I try not to do this anymore*

[GemmaUK]

Great so I must pretend to be enthusiastic. Very honest approach. People don't give me those signals I can't say more than that. Sure I can use success to get someone who wants some of the trappings of it but then I need to be able to endure poorly educated, poorly spoken which isn't a trade off that interests me.

No! I have no idea why you choose to meet people for dates you are not interested in - but you continue to do it. You say Tinder is bottom of the barrel yet that is YOUR CHOSEN dating method.

It's stupid. Pointless.

 

You paint this picture of ease which you know isn't true but persist to say I didn't try when I do. You also refuse to entertain the idea the suggestions aren't working for me. Furthermore I have no idea what models have to do with this.

I never once said it was easy - look back at all of the stories I have told you about me, personal stories, they were not easy and not easy to write either.

Do you really think that the story I told you about me making strong, significant attempts to grow in self confidence with a 3 month deadline I set for myself when I was just 18 and my mother had died 3 months prior to me choosing to make a change for myself was easy?? Really??

 

You may have stated suggestions.

May have?

Yes, I did actually, the one which you have appeared to really give a go to is smiling because you didn't do that before from what you said at the time.

One suggestion got through.

 

I'd simply give up if someone nice actually showed some interest. I can simply tick the mutual attraction thing off and move on.

So try out my suggestions in your last thread - keep your eyes open for people looking at you instead of you looking at only those who you immediately like the look of - who are married and probably weren't looking at you..................

 

But also, be social with anyone and everyone and you will learn social skills, small talk and making people feel comfortable around you - the person in the queue next to you - he's an 80 year old gent - give him the time of day.

I'm not kidding at all - it's not easy and it can feel really awkward but my goodness the benefits of learning social skills are life changing.

 

It's up to you. It's up to you to do the ground work.

 

I've stated the below in bold more times to you than I can remember:

Do the same as you always did you will get the same as you always got.

You do the same things and stick with them always and you don't even like those you set up dates with - what do you expect to happen for goodness sake?

A change in attitude promotes a change in behaviour.

You have a dead set attitude - no leeway for any behaviour changes. One example of which is that you will not even sip wine with a date it's block out drinking anything but water right away as soon as any going out anywhere is mentioned.

[browzer]

Maybe just step away from the whole dating thing for a while. Don't go looking for anything. Live your life, smile at strangers, listen to what people have to say when they try to make conversation, if an opportunity comes up during your daily routine to exchange small talk with a woman and maybe end the chat by getting her number, then it's a good day. If not, it's still a good day because you haven't failed again.

 

You just might be trying to hard and it's starting to backfire on you. At this point there doesn't seem to be any way that you can hide the anger, frustration, resentment and negativity from a girl sitting across from you in a restaurant.

[Cookiesandough]

I like cars, I like driving, I write about cars, I run a car club. I work in finance and private equity mergers and acquisitions. I like the outdoors and the beach.

 

It would be nice for someone to make an effort with me versus me begging.

That's awesome you're so into cars an run a car club!!! That's male dominated thing, but lots of women like cars too. Likewise with finance. If you like the outdoors then what's wrong with the hiking? I met a great guy on a trekking group in Banff in the Canadian rockies. Unfortunately, it was a vacation and he lives 900 mi away from me and it'd be too complicated.

[ZA Dater]

Maybe just step away from the whole dating thing for a while. Don't go looking for anything. Live your life, smile at strangers, listen to what people have to say when they try to make conversation, if an opportunity comes up during your daily routine to exchange small talk with a woman and maybe end the chat by getting her number, then it's a good day. If not, it's still a good day because you haven't failed again.

 

You just might be trying to hard and it's starting to backfire on you. At this point there doesn't seem to be any way that you can hide the anger, frustration, resentment and negativity from a girl sitting across from you in a restaurant.

 

I'll probably end up taking this advice. Not a great position to be in never dated at 34 and a deal killer for most but your advice makes sense.

 

It does bother me that I seemingly dont know how to do this despite changing methods. I don't really meet enough viable people that's the honest truth. Friend wants to take me to parties and festivals but they aren't my scene. The hobbies I have , well there arent any single people there. I did once find a girl who was into my hobbies but I lost out to another guy.

 

Your comments whilst sometimes harsh have been helpful.

[browzer]

It does bother me that I seemingly dont know how to do this despite changing methods. I don't really meet enough viable people that's the honest truth. Friend wants to take me to parties and festivals but they aren't my scene.

 

To summarize your posts:

 

You have had no success in meeting and keeping potential dating and relationship partners and you acknowledge that at least one of the issues is that you don't meet enough visible people.

 

And yet you continue to go on with:

 

"Parties and festivals aren't my scene, I'm not interested in single meetup groups, and I don't go to bars, I don't meet the right people online dating".

 

I don't know if anyone recommended speed dating but I'm going to wager a guess you'd say "No speed dating for me, it's not my thing", is that right? You have removed all the best ways to meet people for no other reason than "Not interested" or you have decided that anyone who online dates isn't going to be right for you. There are probably hundreds if not thousands of eligible dating partners who have profiles within reach of your geographic area and they are a good representation of the single population in general. You are severely mistaken if you think not one of them is right for you- or you're correct, which means not one person on the face of this planet is right for you and you might as well just throw in the towel now.

 

Newsflash- a woman isn't just going to pop out of thin air and say "I want to date you".

 

You are doing NOTHING to help yourself, all you do is complain and say how you've made all these changes in your behavior and yet still no luck.

 

Since you've got yourself and a small handful of members here half convinced that your refusal to drink is the issue, then here's one thing to try the next time you find yourself on a date. First off- don't get into the whole "I don't drink" thing until you actually meet the person, because something happens when the topic comes up and everything goes south immediately. Maybe it's the way you respond, maybe it's how you act or whatever, but let's eliminate the drinking from the equation completely- by not bringing it up at all. You ramble on "being honest" and "not acting like someone you are not". Not getting into a particular subject because it's uncomfortable or may be viewed negatively by your dating partner is not a lack of honesty- there are MANY things honest people don't discuss until they feel more comfortable with their partner including weird habits, sexual fetishes, bad past behaviors, and undisclosed personality disorders just to name a few. Eventually you can and hopefully will bring up these "negative" things, but by then there will be an established level of trust and developed feelings so the person won't just say "I'm outta here", they will be more responsive and accepting of the negative traits or whatever- because we all have them, nobody's perfect, but you don't want to make that the first thing a potential partner will see.

 

Anyway- that much said, going forward, leave the drinking out. You already said you drink occasionally with a trusted friend- so don't backtrack now and say "I get nothing out of drinking, I won't do it". You DO drink on occasion, and there are many recent studies that say 1 glass of red wine per day is beneficial- so if you're on a date, and it's going reasonably well, and she says lets get a drink, shut your mouth and order yourself and her a glass of red wine and take a few sips. Even if you don't finish it because you "don't like the taste" at least you've removed that particular obstacle and at the very least you can say "well she blocked me after the date even though I drank wine" and you can delve deeper into the problems. Or, I'm wrong, you're right, it IS the drinking and after the date she's actually interested in seeing you again either way it's win/win. You either learn something or the date goes well.

 

You see ZA, what I am proposing are REAL changes that have a good chance of getting you the results you seek but have failed to obtain.

Edited January 13, 2018 by browzer

[NuevoYorko]

Nobody has answered my question where do you meet singles, please don't tell me meet up groups or hiking. Neither of which interest me.

Man, there you go again. Since you are only interested in hearing what you want to hear, just tell yourself where you are willing to go to meet singles. You don't need other people for that. Then go there, don't meet any singles, come back here and bemoan it. Listen to people giving you a variety of suggestions and refute them all because they don't interest you. You've got quite a cycle established here.

[browzer]

Man, there you go again. Since you are only interested in hearing what you want to hear, just tell yourself where you are willing to go to meet singles. You don't need other people for that. Then go there, don't meet any singles, come back here and bemoan it. Listen to people giving you a variety of suggestions and refute them all because they don't interest you. You've got quite a cycle established here.

 

Que the next ZA post:

 

"Contrary to what you believe I DO listen and I HAVE listened to suggestions and I HAVE changed my behaviors but nothing works because nobody will date a guy who doesn't drink alcohol and who has my particular interests and besides there's no good match for me within a 1000 mile radius".

[ZA Dater]

To summarize your posts:

 

You have had no success in meeting and keeping potential dating and relationship partners and you acknowledge that at least one of the issues is that you don't meet enough visible people.

 

And yet you continue to go on with:

 

"Parties and festivals aren't my scene, I'm not interested in single meetup groups, and I don't go to bars, I don't meet the right people online dating".

 

I don't know if anyone recommended speed dating but I'm going to wager a guess you'd say "No speed dating for me, it's not my thing", is that right? You have removed all the best ways to meet people for no other reason than "Not interested" or you have decided that anyone who online dates isn't going to be right for you. There are probably hundreds if not thousands of eligible dating partners who have profiles within reach of your geographic area and they are a good representation of the single population in general. You are severely mistaken if you think not one of them is right for you- or you're correct, which means not one person on the face of this planet is right for you and you might as well just throw in the towel now.

 

Newsflash- a woman isn't just going to pop out of thin air and say "I want to date you".

 

You are doing NOTHING to help yourself, all you do is complain and say how you've made all these changes in your behavior and yet still no luck.

 

Since you've got yourself and a small handful of members here half convinced that your refusal to drink is the issue, then here's one thing to try the next time you find yourself on a date. First off- don't get into the whole "I don't drink" thing until you actually meet the person, because something happens when the topic comes up and everything goes south immediately. Maybe it's the way you respond, maybe it's how you act or whatever, but let's eliminate the drinking from the equation completely- by not bringing it up at all. You ramble on "being honest" and "not acting like someone you are not". Not getting into a particular subject because it's uncomfortable or may be viewed negatively by your dating partner is not a lack of honesty- there are MANY things honest people don't discuss until they feel more comfortable with their partner including weird habits, sexual fetishes, bad past behaviors, and undisclosed personality disorders just to name a few. Eventually you can and hopefully will bring up these "negative" things, but by then there will be an established level of trust and developed feelings so the person won't just say "I'm outta here", they will be more responsive and accepting of the negative traits or whatever- because we all have them, nobody's perfect, but you don't want to make that the first thing a potential partner will see.

 

Anyway- that much said, going forward, leave the drinking out. You already said you drink occasionally with a trusted friend- so don't backtrack now and say "I get nothing out of drinking, I won't do it". You DO drink on occasion, and there are many recent studies that say 1 glass of red wine per day is beneficial- so if you're on a date, and it's going reasonably well, and she says lets get a drink, shut your mouth and order yourself and her a glass of red wine and take a few sips. Even if you don't finish it because you "don't like the taste" at least you've removed that particular obstacle and at the very least you can say "well she blocked me after the date even though I drank wine" and you can delve deeper into the problems. Or, I'm wrong, you're right, it IS the drinking and after the date she's actually interested in seeing you again either way it's win/win. You either learn something or the date goes well.

 

You see ZA, what I am proposing are REAL changes that have a good chance of getting you the results you seek but have failed to obtain.

 

Ok.

 

You and I differ fundamentally. Enjoy your dating success and I'll enjoy doing things I enjoy doing, on my own. It's makes no sense to do things that don't interest me in the hope I might meet someone doing those things. Especially not if I can spend time doing things that I do enjoy.

 

Point made though maybe I am too honest up front but I'd rather do that than mislead someone. Mind you the amount of bs I see guys feeding girls in the hope they will come home with them....

 

What happens at dates is I don't make an issue of drinking. They do!

 

I have been on Tinder and dating sites for years. Thanks for the advice I'll try some of it.