Can this be turned around?

[Chilli]

While I've always looked young for my age, I had early 20's women hitting on me until I was 40. I'm not sure that's unique to me, because otherwise that would make me some super special kind of guy.

 

Same here , get it all the time.

Still get it now , even younger than 20s.

 

Girls will be girls , who knows what goes on in their effg heads

[coolheadal]

Firstly, please laugh at the below, I might feel better if you do!

 

 

Tinder, I found someone I thought was attractive and apparently I had some appeal to. We move to Whats App and it quickly becomes clear she is looking for some "fun".

 

 

"Pick me up and we can go from there and I'll show you while you drive".

 

 

From being super keen I seemingly managed to turn her off completely. From "do you like big b**bs" to "ok lets rather meet sometime later this week.

 

 

This is plainly defeat from an almost certain win, part of me is really disappointed, part of me probably knows in person she wouldn't have wanted me anyway.

 

 

Do I try warm her up again or simply just let it be? Disappointing because as I say she I very attractive.

 

 

I just cannot seem to ever get this right.

 

You moved to Whatapp and she clearly looking for some fun. Then there you have it my friend. It's all about casual sex games for fun. If you opt for the fun continue. But to figure out what she has in store for you (aka fun) then you have to wonder what she's really after? Trouble or Fun!

[browzer]

You moved to Whatapp and she clearly looking for some fun. Then there you have it my friend. It's all about casual sex games for fun. If you opt for the fun continue. But to figure out what she has in store for you (aka fun) then you have to wonder what she's really after? Trouble or Fun!

 

He met a girl looking for fun, who was ready to climb on him in his car, who almost backflipped and said "see you another time".

 

He's trying to figure out what's wrong with his approach and you are focused on whether he's looking for that sort of girl.

 

That's like a car accident victim saying "I just wrecked my car and I'm bleeding from a massive head wound and I'm about to go into a coma" and you happen to be driving by and you say "We should discuss your selection of tires".

 

It's irrelevant what the girl was after. What's relevant is that she's no longer after HIM.

[Cookiesandough]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Edited January 11, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[ZA Dater]

Man l can understand hold back with someone like that it'd turn me off too so early.

 

But the thing is , women obviously "do" like you , so what's the problem ?

So there's nothing wrong with you it's more just a matter of you meeting someone you feel the same way about.

 

As far as getting teased , how does anyone even know you don't get laid , you leave those nitty gritties out when you talk to people..

 

 

 

There are people I have known for many years and in that time I have never had a gf so...they do the math.

[GemmaUK]

So you do drink alcohol with K which means you've set some kind of different level with her compared to anyone else.

 

I think your best first step is to ask K to be completely blunt about why she didn't want to date you - maybe you'll take some advice from her.

You don't want to take any of the advice from the very generous posters on here who have devoted time and thought to their suggestions over the years.

[browzer]

The problem is clear to me. You have these very rigid beliefs and practices, that you will not ever, never, not once compromise for anyone

 

Wrong. His problem has little to nothing to do with his rigid beliefs and practices.

 

Cant debate any of that because its probably 100% right.

 

Of course he's going to agree with you because your reasons give him some sort of control over his failures. "It's me, not them, I won't compromise, I need someone who is of a higher standard than anyone I've met".

 

Problem is he isn't the one going dark or blocking them.

 

You're not going to find someone because if you're really honest with yourself, you'll admit that you don't want to find someone because your eyes are on a prize you can't have.

 

That's not it. At this point in his life, ZA will date pretty much anyone he can, from foreign women 10 years younger, to parking lot trash/borderline prostitutes looking for a quick hookup, to anyone a friend might set him up with. Those dates don't go anywhere the woman either goes dark or BLOCKS him.

 

Women don't block guys because of their "rigid standards".

 

They block them because they think the guy is strange or possibly even a threat.

 

Your issue is not water, not dinner dates, not ice cream dates, not coffee dates.

 

You got that right, but for the wrong reasons.

[GemmaUK]

Wrong. His problem has little to nothing to do with his rigid beliefs and practices.

 

Of course he's going to agree with you because your reasons give him some sort of control over his failures. "It's me, not them, I won't compromise, I need someone who is of a higher standard than anyone I've met".

 

Problem is he isn't the one going dark or blocking them.

 

That's not it. At this point in his life, ZA will date pretty much anyone he can, from foreign women 10 years younger, to parking lot trash/borderline prostitutes looking for a quick hookup, to anyone a friend might set him up with. Those dates don't go anywhere the woman either goes dark or BLOCKS him.

 

Women don't block guys because of their "rigid standards".

 

They block them because they think the guy is strange or possibly even a threat.

 

Damn you Browzer!

I've had to switch my 'likes' around.

You're spot on.

 

This is the bigger picture part - and it's plain from the fact that ZA also says most people don't like him when they meet him.

This could all be changed through the very same things I have kept suggesting over multiple threads and a few personal emails (which I had to stop - so I pretty much blocked ZA too at one point - I asked him to stop mailing me). - learning about how to express positive body language and facial expressions, throwing yourself willingly out of your comfort zone to gain confidence - personal growth.

ZA is very self absorbed - maybe that's the biggest issue of all.

[ZA Dater]

So you do drink alcohol with K which means you've set some kind of different level with her compared to anyone else.

 

I think your best first step is to ask K to be completely blunt about why she didn't want to date you - maybe you'll take some advice from her.

You don't want to take any of the advice from the very generous posters on here who have devoted time and thought to their suggestions over the years.

 

I simply trust her more than some random stranger I meet on Tinder or some dating site. We just get along and have done since the start. I know why she didn't date me, the reason was a lack of confidence which ironically was something of a gift because it gave me the opportunity to better myself for a reason. Today we still get along really well and I feel more confident.

 

When you do what I do, trust isn't a given its earned over time and I roll that foward to every area of life. Have I had rare opportunities to get laid, yes but I didn't trust the people offering those opportunities.

 

Do I sometimes come across as desperate, sure, I try not to. Advice is always read and yes I do smile and yes I do try and put on a lighter more humerous persona, what do you think these silly dates are used for, to try and get some sort of practice and maybe find I have that instant attraction I like so much.

 

In a fickle world there are tons of reasons for people not to like others but perhaps the most common is the simple thing "there are other fish in the sea".

[ZA Dater]

Wrong. His problem has little to nothing to do with his rigid beliefs and practices.

 

 

 

Of course he's going to agree with you because your reasons give him some sort of control over his failures. "It's me, not them, I won't compromise, I need someone who is of a higher standard than anyone I've met".

 

Problem is he isn't the one going dark or blocking them.

 

 

 

That's not it. At this point in his life, ZA will date pretty much anyone he can, from foreign women 10 years younger, to parking lot trash/borderline prostitutes looking for a quick hookup, to anyone a friend might set him up with. Those dates don't go anywhere the woman either goes dark or BLOCKS him.

 

Women don't block guys because of their "rigid standards".

 

They block them because they think the guy is strange or possibly even a threat.

 

 

 

You got that right, but for the wrong reasons.

 

More likely strange in my case and I actually don't care that much for the vast majority, I do care if it's someone I actually like but those are as rare as snow in the Sahara.

 

What you have missed is few if any of these dates were with people I actually liked. All I did was simply take the advice given "it's a numbers game" and go out with whoever.

 

I.e hope I would like them.

 

How many times has someone ever liked me...the answer is never. Eventually I stopped caring never stop looking though. I dont believe mutual attraction will ever happen for me.

[SammySammy]

Interesting.

 

I was about to ask why are you dating people you don’t like.

 

I have a rule: You have to like the ones that like you.

 

Meaning, I only date in the mutual attraction pool. Choose from that group.

 

If you don’t feel anyone will ever be attracted to you, then that may be where you should focus your efforts. As I said before, the fundamental rule of dating is “be attractive and don’t be unattractive”.

 

The truth is there are some women out there who would be attracted to you - if you allow them to. However, if you insist on being unattractive- having unattractive thoughts, ideas, and behaviors - then dating girls you don’t like and asking us a relentless amount of questions (when you won’t change) is a waste of time. A waste of your time, the girl’s time, and our time. Everybody’s time.

[ZA Dater]

Interesting.

 

I was about to ask why are you dating people you don’t like.

 

I have a rule: You have to like the ones that like you.

 

Meaning, I only date in the mutual attraction pool. Choose from that group.

 

If you don’t feel anyone will ever be attracted to you, then that may be where you should focus your efforts. As I said before, the fundamental rule of dating is “be attractive and don’t be unattractive”.

 

The truth is there are some women out there who would be attracted to you - if you allow them to. However, if you insist on being unattractive- having unattractive thoughts, ideas, and behaviors - then dating girls you don’t like and asking us a relentless amount of questions (when you won’t change) is a waste of time. A waste of your time, the girl’s time, and our time. Everybody’s time.

 

What happens if you don't like any of the matches you get? Am I supposed to pretend to like them? Pretend to look over things which I consider a deal breaker. Pretend to find them attractive. Sounds like an awful way to live to me.

 

I do not think I am unattractive at all. Sure, I am not the usual sort of guy but of that's deemed unattractive then so be it. Here is thought ladies wanted honest, ambitious, reasonable successful guys. Add thoughtful to that list.

 

Never has there been mutual attraction so that pool is empty.

 

This thread has been helpful to the extent it's strengthened my resolve to simply enjoy having nothing because a whole lot of nothing is better than a whole lot of something you don't want. I refuse to go down the road where I feel I am a bad unattractive person because I am not.

 

If I never find anyone them so be it, I should remind myself more often of this. People say I am self absorbed, not true but I also can't be bothered with the player lifestyle I see all around me much less the school of thought where people simply say "that will do". There is no ambition there, I'd rather chase people I want and even if nothing happens I can say I went after what I wanted.

 

Nobody will agree but ask yourself this, how often have you dated someone you really wanted versus someone you convinced yourself to like.

 

I see people all the time with regrets. I think it's better to have chased what you wanted and lost than to have simply taken the easy way out.

 

But thank you I will work on some things but only for me not because someone else might like them.

 

There is more to life than feeling down because you can't get a decent date.

[browzer]

Have I had rare opportunities to get laid, yes but I didn't trust the people offering those opportunities.

 

Do I sometimes come across as desperate, sure

 

You're desperate and you lack self confidence because you've been a failure your entire life, you never even had sex.

 

Then you say "I could have had sex" (which would have gone a LONG way towards building some self confidence and eliminating some of that desperation) but you say "I didn't have sex because I didn't trust her".

 

Dude you don't need to trust a woman to stick your penis inside her VJ.

 

Trust the condom.

[browzer]

I simply trust her more than some random stranger I meet on Tinder or some dating site. We just get along and have done since the start. I know why she didn't date me, the reason was a lack of confidence

 

Wait a sec. You drink alcohol with this girl because you trust her? Ok, with that being said, please explain to me why you wouldn't drink alcohol with someone you don't trust- because there is no reasonable and rational explanation for that bizarre statement. You think if you drink a glass of wine you'll be taken by surprise and they're going to kidnap you or steal from you?

 

Also you say that you and she are great friends but she won't date you because you lack confidence.

 

That's also a somewhat bizarre reason for a girl not wanting to take things to the next level with a guy friend- if that's the only reason.

 

Did she actually say "ZA I would be your girlfriend but you lack confidence?" or is this another one of your many assumptions?

[NuevoYorko]

What you have missed is few if any of these dates were with people I actually liked.

So ... why so distraught when they don't actually like you, either?

[ZA Dater]

Wait a sec. You drink alcohol with this girl because you trust her? Ok, with that being said, please explain to me why you wouldn't drink alcohol with someone you don't trust- because there is no reasonable and rational explanation for that bizarre statement. You think if you drink a glass of wine you'll be taken by surprise and they're going to kidnap you or steal from you?

 

Also you say that you and she are great friends but she won't date you because you lack confidence.

 

That's also a somewhat bizarre reason for a girl not wanting to take things to the next level with a guy friend- if that's the only reason.

 

Did she actually say "ZA I would be your girlfriend but you lack confidence?" or is this another one of your many assumptions?

 

No a mutual friend told me. So I am quite happy to go with that. Confidence and I was too quiet.

 

I have never seen anything good come from alcohol. I need to emphasize when I do drink it's a sip nothing more and it's very very rare that I do. For people who say drinking isn't important this comes up a lot!

[ZA Dater]

You're desperate and you lack self confidence because you've been a failure your entire life, you never even had sex.

 

Then you say "I could have had sex" (which would have gone a LONG way towards building some self confidence and eliminating some of that desperation) but you say "I didn't have sex because I didn't trust her".

 

Dude you don't need to trust a woman to stick your penis inside her VJ.

 

Trust the condom.

 

Never found any of those potential opportunities attractive. Attraction to me is overall not one thing. More and more attraction to me is ambition and intellectual ability rather than all looks.

 

Anyone can get laid with people looking up a league, being with people you really want is much harder. I'd need to have around 5 dates first and really like the person.

[GemmaUK]

I'd need to have around 5 dates first and really like the person.

 

You either don't get as far as a date or you don't get past one date though.

 

Particularly in this and your last thread you've had a hefty amount of great suggestions and advice none of which you want to take and roll with for any amount of time past just the one try really.

If one try fails then that's it.

Perhaps it's also lack of drive and ambition in you that puts people off too.

It certainly shows as one of your traits on here.

[browzer]

Never found any of those potential opportunities attractive.

 

Anyone can get laid with people looking up a league, being with people you really want is much harder. I'd need to have around 5 dates first and really like the person.

 

Well, you found the woman who was the subject of this thread to be attractive, and you never even met her, heck you didn't even confirm it was a real person.

 

I bet if you had met her and she was as advertised and wasn't a hooker, you would have lifted that "5 dates before sex" rule about as soon as she removed her panties.

 

But she's gone, and here you are, justifying and validating your actions and yet still going in circles, wondering what went wrong, and no closer to meeting anyone.

 

You want things to be different you need to make some real changes, and by that I do not mean starting your 102nd thread on LS.

[ZA Dater]

You either don't get as far as a date or you don't get past one date though.

 

Particularly in this and your last thread you've had a hefty amount of great suggestions and advice none of which you want to take and roll with for any amount of time past just the one try really.

If one try fails then that's it.

Perhaps it's also lack of drive and ambition in you that puts people off too.

It certainly shows as one of your traits on here.

 

If anything it's too much ambition that's the problem. I could never stomach doing mundane things so I don't, I try build and create things. Do I lack ambition at dating, probably because it just doesn't bring positive, working brings positive because I accept the challenge and I can measure progress. It's been established you can't measure dating success.

 

One try isn't true, I can only try when I actually find people I like, which is rare. I suppose that's another fault of mine.

 

Quite simply I want someone to challenge me but when I sit on front of someone who isn't learned I become instantly disinterested.

 

It is what it is. There are plenty of other things which make me happy.

[ZA Dater]

Well, you found the woman who was the subject of this thread to be attractive, and you never even met her, heck you didn't even confirm it was a real person.

 

I bet if you had met her and she was as advertised and wasn't a hooker, you would have lifted that "5 dates before sex" rule about as soon as she removed her panties.

 

But she's gone, and here you are, justifying and validating your actions and yet still going in circles, wondering what went wrong, and no closer to meeting anyone.

 

You want things to be different you need to make some real changes, and by that I do not mean starting your 102nd thread on LS.

 

She could have stripped and I wouldn't have. It's about personality and looks. Confirmed she was real, spoke to her.

 

This thread has been very helpful. Nobody has answered my question where do you meet singles, please don't tell me meet up groups or hiking. Neither of which interest me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She could have stripped and I wouldn't have. It's about personality and looks. Confirmed she was real, spoke to her.

 

This thread has been very helpful. Nobody has answered my question where do you meet singles, please don't tell me meet up groups or hiking. Neither of which interest me.

 

Sometime posted a story today or yesterday about meeting someone in a bookstore. How about that? Or volunteering somewhere?

[browzer]

Nobody has answered my question where do you meet singles, please don't tell me meet up groups or hiking. Neither of which interest me.

 

We can throw out tons of ideas of where to meet women but that doesn't seem to be your problem. You meet plenty of women, you go on a lot of dates- but you don't get anywhere. After 3.5 decades of life, surely you know where to find women, you don't need random internet strangers telling you as much.

 

But if you're looking for new venues, here's 2 to get you started.

 

1- Meet up groups

2- Hiking

 

Yes I listed the two things you said you aren't interested in.

 

Because you're looking to meet women, that means going outside your comfort zone, changing the way you think, doing things differently than you've been doing them your entire life.

 

You have made this arbitrary decision that you don't like spending time in the beautiful outdoors walking along a trail looking at mountains and the sunset and almost as unbelievably you say you have no interest in joining a group that has a main goal of people meeting each other, again for no particular reason other than "not interested".

 

Others may provide you with a list, but that won't do much other than perhaps give you an opportunity to exercise your neck muscles by silently shaking your head at every one of them because you aren't interested.

[ZA Dater]

Sometime posted a story today or yesterday about meeting someone in a bookstore. How about that? Or volunteering somewhere?

 

The most logical way I can think of to meet people is around work related things. None of the people of seem to see in book stores appear friendly but good suggestion.

 

This thread and the suggestions make me question if I really need to date at all. My decision to see tourists is laughed at here but they are by far the most interesting people versus some 30yo au pair.

 

Best place apparently to meet people is festivals.

[ZA Dater]

Sometime posted a story today or yesterday about meeting someone in a bookstore. How about that? Or volunteering somewhere?

 

We can throw out tons of ideas of where to meet women but that doesn't seem to be your problem. You meet plenty of women, you go on a lot of dates- but you don't get anywhere. After 3.5 decades of life, surely you know where to find women, you don't need random internet strangers telling you as much.

 

But if you're looking for new venues, here's 2 to get you started.

 

1- Meet up groups

2- Hiking

 

Yes I listed the two things you said you aren't interested in.

 

Because you're looking to meet women, that means going outside your comfort zone, changing the way you think, doing things differently than you've been doing them your entire life.

 

You have made this arbitrary decision that you don't like spending time in the beautiful outdoors walking along a trail looking at mountains and the sunset and almost as unbelievably you say you have no interest in joining a group that has a main goal of people meeting each other, again for no particular reason other than "not interested".

 

Others may provide you with a list, but that won't do much other than perhaps give you an opportunity to exercise your neck muscles by silently shaking your head at every one of them because you aren't interested.

 

I like the outdoors just don't like spending my time with older single moms and old guys which is what happened the last time I did a hike.

 

Meet up. The strangest people I have yet met. Id rather spend my minimal non working time doing things I enjoy.

 

I am not interested in changing my thinking. It's worked brilliantly at other aspects of life, so really is it so bad to not date? Can't say I met anyone who needed to change a thing to date but that's neither here nor there.

 

And no I don't know where to meet if you discount bars and clubs.