Can this be turned around?

[SammySammy]

I don’t drink. Not into drugs or the party scene. Selective about women. Only attracted to a few that meet certain criteria. I’ve even had the same career as this guy.

 

I have no problem attracting women. No problem finding women to date, have a fling, or longer term relationship with.

 

This is not about drinking or telling people he doesn’t drink. Not about liking a certain type of woman.

 

His problems lie elsewhere.

[Chilli]

l dunno the tricks that get around there or how the women are or how the pros or scam work, or tinder.

 

But to me it's pretty simple all in the first post, can't read 4 pages.

She was ready to rock , she told ya right there, that means now, take it or leave it , strike while the irons hot.

 

But hey ,maybe she was a pro/scam

Edited January 1, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Probly lucky ya didn't fall for it !

[GemmaUK]

Just a few more thoughts here.

 

Liliysun is right in that you shouldn't turn this into something that automatically sends you down so low.

 

You need to find a way to be clear and concise with less bluntness to explain that you don't drink.

In your last thread (the 'She Cancelled' one) I think it was Bowser who posted on or near the last page about what he says about drinking.

It was a totally full, clear, valid reason which left none or little room for questions because it made perfect sense.

Have a think about something you could say which applies to you, something which you can elaborate on further rather than what comes over as a dead end eg. 'I don't drink'. Post a few suggestions here and we can take a look.

Filling out and elaborating that response will help.

 

If someone asks you for a drink then you don't need to mention at all that you don't drink right then either. You don't drink alcohol no, but you can drink other drinks and enjoy the atmosphere of a bar (if you can tolerate restaurants and big events such as the dinners you go to then you can definitely handle a bar which isn't one where the music is pumping out and disco lights are flashing).

 

You know that you can do dates too and that you can be social.

Your friendship with K would not have happened and you wouldn't run the car club if you were incapable of doing that.

You do also need to remember though to make allowances for others. Not everyone is going to get on with everyone but just the same as you people do get nervous meeting for the first time and social anxiety is on the rise now that so many people sit on a pc to socialise.

 

Lilysun mentioned the idea of going to a Gentleman's club. Have you ever done that? It could be a good idea and plenty of men (and women too) visit these places. Nobody needs to know why you are there, there are plenty of guys who visit these places alone too so you won't be the only guy on his own at all.

You also don't need to participate in anything 'I'm just here for a drink and to watch the world go by thanks' is enough of a reply if one of the girls approaches you to see if you'd like a private dance.

These places, the better ones also have rules about no touching - she can get close to you but you cannot touch her and it goes in agreement type stages depending upon the rules in the place.

Venues often have a 'menu' for want of a better word for different things, different levels of how far things can go with different prices.

 

I feel that the virginity thing may have become such a hurdle in your mind that you could well sabotage the possibility of dating for you.

You could meet someone who liked you, you liked them but then fear could set in and you could subconsciously end it all before it's begun.

 

Going on to older women - just for gaining experience.

An older woman who is up for some fun isn't necessarily going to be fazed by a guy who is a virgin. (have you ever watched the movie Th Graduate with Dustin Hoffman? If you haven't then watch it).

Have a look around for sites for older women and younger men.

You could set up a profile and be honest that you're looking for someone kind who could train you up.

If you went down this route you'd need to be receptive and willing, be able to listen and take instruction but also to just be yourself without so much pressure.

Some women would relish the fact they could train up a younger guy as he has no thoughts that he can do this and that superbly, but she can teach him how and how to hit her spot.

Believe me, I've dated several men whom I had wished had had that type of training before I met them. These were men in their forties who told me that one or two minutes of foreplay should be enough for me to reach orgasm because their previous girlfriends did. All it told me was they were delusional or their previous gfs just faked it to get it over with.

My ex whom I was with for 14 years (we got together when he was 23) - he had had a 2 year relationship with a woman 15 years his senior and I have no doubt where he gained his experience from. But he knew how to listen to me, I listened to him to and we had a few times where we would just laugh because it wasn't going right, deep breath, start again, listen, pay attention and it was the best sexual relationship I've had to date.

He was very attentive, affection was great and it would start the moment I saw him, he taught me a lot about affection being part of the build up in fact.

(And remember - my brother did this too (I posted about him on one of your threads before)- he had a 6 month relationship with an older woman when he was 23 I think it was. He too is very affectionate to his wife - again he - like me - we were both lacking in affection skills when we hit the age we should be dating - so I know who taught him about that.)

 

Before I met him (my 14 year LTR guy) I didn't really know about affection. I knew what to do once I got into bed because I had trained up a very inexperienced guy - well not really trained him up but I used the time I was with him (6 mths when I was 20) to teach myself about imagination, thinking of things to do sexually, I practised on him - but that also taught him a lot.

I am 48 now but I wouldn't have an aversion to being with a guy who is a virgin - I know I am kind, considerate and patient enough and so providing he were keen and willing to give things a try then I have nothing to lose as he would be a blank canvas to teach all I know to.

If it was just a few months, he was younger and moved on at least I know I've taught him some skills to take with him on how to get the best out of sex and how to please a woman.

These kind of interactions don't just teach you about sex either - they teach you a lot lot more and can be a totally satisfying safe environment to learn a lot about the opposite sex.

 

So, you see, this is why an older woman really could be a benefit to you.

(I wouldn't suggest a married one as that obviously would come with a minefield of other factors.)

Not all but some of us are understanding.

I think you should find one for yourself.

But most importantly, don't feel shame, plenty of us have been there!

[joseb]

I don't see anything to suggest she is a "pro". I've a mate who isn't too picky about the women he hooks up with and he's had a couple like this on tinder, including one who started banging in a taxi inside a couple of mins of meeting and another who didn't want any conversation, just action as soon as he arrived.

Sometimes women just want sex.

 

For op, it might be just as well this ship has sailed. She would be expecting someone pretty sexualy aggressive. And it sounds like she would be giving head while you drive, so if you aren't sexuallt experienced (even if you are) that's definitely risky !

[Cookiesandough]

Are you sure it wasn't just a person trolling? There are probably deranged individuals who find entertainment in just messing around with people/stringing people along on Tinder like they do everywhere else . If she went from 1st message suggesting road head to 0, it smacks a little of a troll. I wouldn't blame yourself. Sorry regardless.

[ZA Dater]

There has been a fairly spectacular about turn here, worthy of a movie perhaps.

 

 

I asked her this morning if she would like to meet up, she firstly apologizes for yesterday, she had had too many drinks and random hook ups are not what she wants. We get chatting and find some sort of common ground, voice notes so proper chatting. She suggests we go to the aquarium for a meet up tomorrow.

 

 

Later on

 

 

She has reservations that I just want to get to know her to sleep with her, she think this about all guys, she isn't mega into going out, not very social so on the face of it perhaps not a totally bad match.

 

 

I dispelled the myth of wanting only one thing, way I look at it, the major con is she lives quite a long way from me, the pro is we might actually get on in person and the other pro is she is quite attractive.

 

 

For those that wonder she is older than me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

There has been a fairly spectacular about turn here, worthy of a movie perhaps.

 

 

I asked her this morning if she would like to meet up, she firstly apologizes for yesterday, she had had too many drinks and random hook ups are not what she wants. We get chatting and find some sort of common ground, voice notes so proper chatting. She suggests we go to the aquarium for a meet up tomorrow.

 

 

Later on

 

 

She has reservations that I just want to get to know her to sleep with her, she think this about all guys, she isn't mega into going out, not very social so on the face of it perhaps not a totally bad match.

 

 

I dispelled the myth of wanting only one thing, way I look at it, the major con is she lives quite a long way from me, the pro is we might actually get on in person and the other pro is she is quite attractive.

 

 

For those that wonder she is older than me.

 

Well I don't know about it being worthy of a movie , but it's good news. Post back tomorrow after the date!

[elaine567]

For those that wonder she is older than me.

I have always said you need to go older, as you are 33 going on 43, not 33 going on 23.

Yes we can all caution you about a woman who when drunk propositions every guy in sight but you are only going on a date not marrying her.

Good luck!

I really hope it works out..

[ZA Dater]

Just a few more thoughts here.

 

Liliysun is right in that you shouldn't turn this into something that automatically sends you down so low.

 

You need to find a way to be clear and concise with less bluntness to explain that you don't drink.

In your last thread (the 'She Cancelled' one) I think it was Bowser who posted on or near the last page about what he says about drinking.

It was a totally full, clear, valid reason which left none or little room for questions because it made perfect sense.

Have a think about something you could say which applies to you, something which you can elaborate on further rather than what comes over as a dead end eg. 'I don't drink'. Post a few suggestions here and we can take a look.

Filling out and elaborating that response will help.

 

If someone asks you for a drink then you don't need to mention at all that you don't drink right then either. You don't drink alcohol no, but you can drink other drinks and enjoy the atmosphere of a bar (if you can tolerate restaurants and big events such as the dinners you go to then you can definitely handle a bar which isn't one where the music is pumping out and disco lights are flashing).

 

You know that you can do dates too and that you can be social.

Your friendship with K would not have happened and you wouldn't run the car club if you were incapable of doing that.

You do also need to remember though to make allowances for others. Not everyone is going to get on with everyone but just the same as you people do get nervous meeting for the first time and social anxiety is on the rise now that so many people sit on a pc to socialise.

 

Lilysun mentioned the idea of going to a Gentleman's club. Have you ever done that? It could be a good idea and plenty of men (and women too) visit these places. Nobody needs to know why you are there, there are plenty of guys who visit these places alone too so you won't be the only guy on his own at all.

You also don't need to participate in anything 'I'm just here for a drink and to watch the world go by thanks' is enough of a reply if one of the girls approaches you to see if you'd like a private dance.

These places, the better ones also have rules about no touching - she can get close to you but you cannot touch her and it goes in agreement type stages depending upon the rules in the place.

Venues often have a 'menu' for want of a better word for different things, different levels of how far things can go with different prices.

 

I feel that the virginity thing may have become such a hurdle in your mind that you could well sabotage the possibility of dating for you.

You could meet someone who liked you, you liked them but then fear could set in and you could subconsciously end it all before it's begun.

 

Going on to older women - just for gaining experience.

An older woman who is up for some fun isn't necessarily going to be fazed by a guy who is a virgin. (have you ever watched the movie Th Graduate with Dustin Hoffman? If you haven't then watch it).

Have a look around for sites for older women and younger men.

You could set up a profile and be honest that you're looking for someone kind who could train you up.

If you went down this route you'd need to be receptive and willing, be able to listen and take instruction but also to just be yourself without so much pressure.

Some women would relish the fact they could train up a younger guy as he has no thoughts that he can do this and that superbly, but she can teach him how and how to hit her spot.

Believe me, I've dated several men whom I had wished had had that type of training before I met them. These were men in their forties who told me that one or two minutes of foreplay should be enough for me to reach orgasm because their previous girlfriends did. All it told me was they were delusional or their previous gfs just faked it to get it over with.

My ex whom I was with for 14 years (we got together when he was 23) - he had had a 2 year relationship with a woman 15 years his senior and I have no doubt where he gained his experience from. But he knew how to listen to me, I listened to him to and we had a few times where we would just laugh because it wasn't going right, deep breath, start again, listen, pay attention and it was the best sexual relationship I've had to date.

He was very attentive, affection was great and it would start the moment I saw him, he taught me a lot about affection being part of the build up in fact.

(And remember - my brother did this too (I posted about him on one of your threads before)- he had a 6 month relationship with an older woman when he was 23 I think it was. He too is very affectionate to his wife - again he - like me - we were both lacking in affection skills when we hit the age we should be dating - so I know who taught him about that.)

 

Before I met him (my 14 year LTR guy) I didn't really know about affection. I knew what to do once I got into bed because I had trained up a very inexperienced guy - well not really trained him up but I used the time I was with him (6 mths when I was 20) to teach myself about imagination, thinking of things to do sexually, I practised on him - but that also taught him a lot.

I am 48 now but I wouldn't have an aversion to being with a guy who is a virgin - I know I am kind, considerate and patient enough and so providing he were keen and willing to give things a try then I have nothing to lose as he would be a blank canvas to teach all I know to.

If it was just a few months, he was younger and moved on at least I know I've taught him some skills to take with him on how to get the best out of sex and how to please a woman.

These kind of interactions don't just teach you about sex either - they teach you a lot lot more and can be a totally satisfying safe environment to learn a lot about the opposite sex.

 

So, you see, this is why an older woman really could be a benefit to you.

(I wouldn't suggest a married one as that obviously would come with a minefield of other factors.)

Not all but some of us are understanding.

I think you should find one for yourself.

But most importantly, don't feel shame, plenty of us have been there!

 

 

 

I was basically tricked to going to a so called "gentleman's club" by a good friend of mine, did the whole VIP thing which meant a lot of attention which honestly I didn't enjoy because it was a total sham, totally fake and I saw through it within two minutes.

 

 

If you can remove your sense of reality I am sure a place could be fun but I cannot do that. Would I like the Russian who is tall and athletic, sure, would I pay to be with her, definitely not because cost versus benefit is not there, I would be paying for someone who is merely with me because I paid.

 

 

Personality is a big thing for me, being physically attractive alone doesn't make me want someone. For info this lady is 37 so slightly older than me, the much older than me idea has no appeal, again the attraction just isn't there though there were some opportunities in the past.

 

 

Drinking, I simply don't partake, I phrase things like I am trying to keep fit so don't drink and suchlike but those comments still elicit questions why...

 

 

Lets see what happens tomorrow. My approach is going to be much the same as usual.

[Cookiesandough]

But if you aren;t only after a random hookup you have to ask yourself if a girl who gets drunk and does that to randoms on dating for is right for you and you', Are you just going because you are curious are you going for a connection?

[ZA Dater]

I have always said you need to go older, as you are 33 going on 43, not 33 going on 23.

Yes we can all caution you about a woman who when drunk propositions every guy in sight but you are only going on a date not marrying her.

Good luck!

I really hope it works out..

 

 

 

Remember I did find a 26yo who gets on very well with me...that's still first prize someone in that age group.

[ZA Dater]

But if you aren;t only after a random hookup you have to ask yourself if a girl who gets drunk and does that to randoms on dating for is right for you and you', Are you just going because you are curious are you going for a connection?

 

 

 

I did ask myself that question, she was very apologetic, she never does things like that apparently but look I have been around, if she has done it yesterday she might have done it before. She admitted her "wild side" came out and that it doesn't come out often.

 

 

I am heavily compromising because my dating prospects are so thin...

[LilySun]

If she has reservations that men only want her for sex, she shouldn't say things like "do you like big b***"? And "you drive and I'll show you".... She came right out of the gate with that and now worried you only want sex...

 

She seems kind of all over the place but might as well see how it goes.

[Cookiesandough]

I did ask myself that question, she was very apologetic, she never does things like that apparently but look I have been around, if she has done it yesterday she might have done it before. She admitted her "wild side" came out and that it doesn't come out often.

 

I am heavily compromising because my dating prospects are so thin...

 

I would suggest against this. I mean maybe compromise on a few years of age or a breast cup size or two but seriously she sounds bizarre lol Keep us updated should be interesting anyway

[browzer]

Lets see what happens tomorrow. My approach is going to be much the same as usual.

 

Why? It hasn't worked for you in 34 years.

[heavenonearth]

That's basically the irritating thing for me, clearly there was another guy, look this is Tinder so I expect people to actually just use it to hook up but obviously I just lost out to whoever else she was chatting it.

 

 

Maybe I am just scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

 

 

I know a lot of people who found their partners on Tinder. I found my boyfriend on Tinder.

[ZA Dater]

The date got postponed and again she went down the x rated route via text. Not too sure what to make of this, she is new in town (only been here 2 months) and I trying not to see problems but by the same token I cant quite ignore logic.

 

 

I'll meet her and see what happens.

 

 

She does sound quite nice though. A lot is going to depend on how well we get on in person. One thing I am going to do is try find out a bit more about her "I have lived in lots of places". I think she has also had some "enhancement" if I can put it like that.

 

 

There is perhaps another prospect this year, a rather far fetched one. Someone asked me last year "one day I want you to drink with me, lets see what happens". I wouldn't ordinarily drink but I suspect in this instance if her and I drink things might get quite interesting.

[Cookiesandough]

Are you 100% this is not a dude

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This woman sounds so bizarre I can't even advise you against canceling the date because I want to see how it ends up so badly.

[ZA Dater]

Are you 100% this is not a dude

 

 

 

Definitely not a dude, have spoken to her and seen pictures.

 

 

Its quite bizarre I agree. I'll stick with it, a walk around an aquarium and lunch seems fairly harmless.

 

 

Watched a movie yesterday which made me wonder if I need to try something different with my idea of how to date...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Definitely not a dude, have spoken to her and seen pictures.

 

 

Its quite bizarre I agree. I'll stick with it, a walk around an aquarium and lunch seems fairly harmless.

 

 

Watched a movie yesterday which made me wonder if I need to try something different with my idea of how to date...

 

When's the date?

[ZA Dater]

When's the date?

 

 

 

Prob Thurs or Fri.

[Cookiesandough]

Definitely not a dude, have spoken to her and seen pictures.

 

 

Its quite bizarre I agree. I'll stick with it, a walk around an aquarium and lunch seems fairly harmless.

 

 

Watched a movie yesterday which made me wonder if I need to try something different with my idea of how to date...

 

When you say spoken, you mean over the phone? I'm sorry this is just setting off so many alarm bells in my head. What was her excuse for postponing it?

[Chris2016]

If this lady is not crazy (and not trolling), hit that sh*t and move on brother. Don't try to girlfriend her. Not girlfriend material.