Another one bites the dust?

November 8, 2017

That's totally on point! If he had nothing to hide - why the explanatory comment for his female friends? People explain themselves when they hide something: e.g. someone taking (faking) a day off 'sick' giving his/her whole range of symptoms to their manager

My take is still that his FB page is just the one he made for his Tinder account and the 'girls' are former/current bites.

And that isn't a bad thing if it is. Pretty much everyone is multi dating initially. OP should really talk to him about it if she likes him that much- and if her rate of attraction is 1 in 40 then she should definitely be doing that rather than assuming, especially when it sounds like she has a natural cognitive bias towards negativity based on previous experiences.

November 8, 2017

And that isn't a bad thing if it is. Pretty much everyone is multi dating initially. OP should really talk to him about it if she likes him that much- and if her rate of attraction is 1 in 40 then she should definitely be doing that rather than assuming, especially when it sounds like she has a natural cognitive bias towards negativity based on previous experiences.

If its not a bad thing why is he feeling the need to lie by omission/be sneaky. Not everyone multidates...I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but a lot of people don't like it and a lot of people don't do it. I think it's a bad thing he is sneaky sneaky. OP doesn't trust him and for good reason

November 8, 2017

If its not a bad thing why is he feeling the need to lie by omission/be sneaky. Not everyone multidates...I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but a lot of people don't like it and a lot of people don't do it. I think it's a bad thing he is sneaky sneaky. OP doesn't trust him and for good reason

Sneaky how? What, in everything ES reported, makes it so you know with 100% certainty that he is sneaky?

November 8, 2017

If its not a bad thing why is he feeling the need to lie by omission/be sneaky. Not everyone multidates...I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but a lot of people don't like it and a lot of people don't do it. I think it's a bad thing he is sneaky sneaky. OP doesn't trust him and for good reason

No but if it is a problem OP should talk to him about it first and see what he says. Once he has agreed not to date other people THEN she can sit there and monitor his Facebook all night like she works at NORAD.

Instead she is judging him based on what she can see immediately after the accepted friend request and not giving him a chance ti explain. If these connections are so rare i find it unbelievable you wouldn't just give it more of a chance. But then I have been a bit like that myself in the past, former colleagues used to say to me that I would put obstacles where there weren't any because I was suspicious of women met through online dating so I get that it is just easier (and even enjoyable) to walk away.

There comes a time though where, if you want a relationship (and OP blatantly does) you have to recognise these behaviours and stand up to them.

November 8, 2017

The pictures are mostly of one female friend. They go out alone on date like activities constantly. They take pictures of themselves with him kissing her cheek, arm around her waist, her sitting on his lap. The mutual friends comment on their pictures stuff like "you two are perfect for each other if only you would get it together". Female friends are one thing, but they look like a couple/FWB/something other than platonic. He constantly shares memories of them pictured together with cheek kissing, him holding her from the back around the waist. Other female friends all look like group friends and are no biggie.

Also the days he told me he was busy with unspecific activities, he was actually out with her (as per tags on FB). He never mentioned her to me once. He talks extensively what he does all day but when he is out with her he says generic stuff like "I was out all day" and changes the topic immediately (that was before I had access to his FB). I mean, if they are truly platonic with no romantic interest, he would have no problem mentioning it. It also matches up the incosistent texting - one text per day were days he was with her.

He has also hid what's posted on his timeline from me now.

Still nothing shady? Still no white lies? I am genuinely curious if women here would be bothered by this in a man they have started dating? Especially Kamille and others that have defended him.

November 8, 2017

And that isn't a bad thing if it is. Pretty much everyone is multi dating initially. OP should really talk to him about it if she likes him that much- and if her rate of attraction is 1 in 40 then she should definitely be doing that rather than assuming, especially when it sounds like she has a natural cognitive bias towards negativity based on previous experiences.

I’d personally never touch a man who is multidating and I will never multidate myself. It is s preference no different than liking blondes or brunettes. Multidaters do not mesh with people that don’t multidate, that’s it. So I can completely understand why she’s bothered (and per her last post - the low-cut top chick is farrrr more than a ‘platonic’ friend)...

November 8, 2017

Yes. I would be bothered. And I would feel insecure.

You've known him a week, one week, and have not had talks about exclusivity. He's allowed to date others.

I hold the view that at the beginning, I am better off not knowing about who else my dates are dating (and yes I assume they are dating other people). The point is to get to know him and see where things go. My job is to be in a headspace where that can happen.

So I would not have pushed for forced disclosure this early the way you did with the Facebook thing. And had I had access to his Facebook, I would have felt bothered and insecure, but would have to face the fact we were not exclusive.

Like you said, the bottom line is that this guy is pushing all the wrong buttons for you. You're probably better off not setting yourself up for more of this anxiety laden roller coaster.

ETA: you cancelled a date after seeing his profile. Don't blame it for hiding it. Can't say I like the way he communicates. I also think you two are victims of trying to rush intimacy, each for your own reasons.

Edited November 8, 2017 by Kamille

November 8, 2017

I don't know how it can be more obvious this guy is shady af. I think giving so much benefit of the doubt to people they barely know is how so many ppl wind up getting played.No...not everyone multidates. Not everyone sees other ppl at the beginning. Not every guy has a FB filled with pics of a chick sitting on his lap and kissing his cheek and stuff. I multidate, but that would be a turn off even for me, especially if he called her a friend. It's just weird to me.

November 8, 2017

I don't know how it can be more obvious this guy is shady af. I think giving so much benefit of the doubt to people they barely know is how so many ppl wind up getting played.No...not everyone multidates. Not everyone sees other ppl at the beginning. Not every guy has a FB filled with pics of a chick sitting on his lap and kissing his cheek and stuff. I multidate, but that would be a turn off even for me, especially if he called her a friend. It's just weird to me.

Me too. I have male friends and the most you would see me pictured are his arm around my shoulder and even that's sparse. If they are truly just friends, this dynamic is very off putting.

Exactly cookies, I see so many posts about women being played after months or years together. I bet those women were laid back and giving the men benefit of the doubt, ignoring many signs. I would rather do something productive with my time.

November 8, 2017

Yikes. True story.

My H is the only person I dated who I was/am Facebook friends with. And that's because we were friends long before we dated (that's how we met).

I recall, before we were dating, many, many women (40-50) clicking like on his every post, many of which were just postings of sappy live songs. Some of these women I knew, some I didn't. I really didn't think too much of it. I certainly assumed he had dated some of them. It's his past and what makes him who he is today.

I found out later, many of those women WANTED to date him. I heard some hilarious stories about their approaches. What they were wearing in their own pics is certainly is no reflection of him, their are plenty of women who dress skimpily, or make duck faces, or whatever the current trend is.

Before we changed our statuses to 'in a relationship', which wasn't until he had moved in with me, those women continued to hit like. I was amused.

They gradually drifted off, and some of them I befriended. Had I held him to the standards OP is demanding here, we'd have never gone on a first date. And I guarantee he'd have been perplexed had I displayed all the consternation OP has.

As it turns out, he didn't date ANY of those women. In fact, he hadn't dated since his divorce, eight years prior.

This guy's been tried and convicted in the court of Facebook. Not saying he's a good guy, not saying he's bad. Just saying he never stood a chance.

November 8, 2017

I’d personally never touch a man who is multidating and I will never multidate myself. It is s preference no different than liking blondes or brunettes. Multidaters do not mesh with people that don’t multidate, that’s it. So I can completely understand why she’s bothered (and per her last post - the low-cut top chick is farrrr more than a ‘platonic’ friend)...

But surely he deserves a chance to stop multi-dating (if that is what he is doing)? The bit about hiding his timeline posts does suggest that he either has something to hide or suspects OP might be bothered by what has been posted there so he has an awareness that it doesn't look good. If he was being totally congruent the best action would be to just carry on and have some faith that OP will look beyond the posts that are there.

All in all though I can't get away from this facebook business being worth a discussion seeing as guys like this appear to be rarer than rocking horse crap in OP's opinion....

November 8, 2017

MidwestUSA, clicking 'like' on posts is different than what ES is seeing on the guy's FB and how he's tried to hide it from her. ( Did your H post love hearts with the women jw?)Just about everyone gets likes from their posts on FB

Edited November 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

November 8, 2017

MidwestUSA, clicking 'like' on posts is different than what ES is seeing on the guy's FB and how he's tried to hide it from her. ( Did your H post love hearts with the women jw?)Just about everyone gets likes from their posts on FB

He did everything I'd expect a red blooded man to do. It was enough to assume he HAD dated some, if not many, of these chicks. Now, in most cases, the girls were the 'aggressors'.

He wouldn't be 'hiding' anything if she hadn't pushed. If she could just accept him for who he is, and see how it pans out. So what if the guy WAS, or even IS, dating someone else. It's not really any of her business at this point. All of this transpired after ONE date. And that's a shame.

November 8, 2017

I don't know how it can be more obvious this guy is shady af. I think giving so much benefit of the doubt to people they barely know is how so many ppl wind up getting played.No...not everyone multidates. Not everyone sees other ppl at the beginning. Not every guy has a FB filled with pics of a chick sitting on his lap and kissing his cheek and stuff. I multidate, but that would be a turn off even for me, especially if he called her a friend. It's just weird to me.

Funny, I never "got played". It's actually not something I worry about. You know why? Because I take my time getting attached.

I honestly don't understand the level of anxiety you displayed Eternal Sunshine. I know you feel like you are vindicated by what you're seeing in his profile, but I still feel like you have a lot to unpack about how you behaved and why you felt so anxious. Understand that and dating will get easier.

I also have to wonder if anxious daters attract players...

November 8, 2017

He did everything I'd expect a red blooded man to do. It was enough to assume he HAD dated some, if not many, of these chicks. Now, in most cases, the girls were the 'aggressors'.

He wouldn't be 'hiding' anything if she hadn't pushed. If she could just accept him for who he is, and see how it pans out. So what if the guy WAS, or even IS, dating someone else. It's not really any of her business at this point. All of this transpired after ONE date. And that's a shame.

So while you were dating, when they put heart smiley faces he gave them back to the women. I see. I thought you meant he just got likes from them. Because when people make posts, typically many of their friend like their posts. It doesn't mean much, the likes themselves. Depending on how many friends they have, could be in the 100s.

I disagree that he didn't hide. He ignored her request to be added at least once. Then she had to push. Now he's hidden his timeline. It's okay if he's dating others to me, but his behavior has made ES uncomfortable, i think she ought to pass He's not the last man on Earth and there are plenty of men who don't engage in flirty behavior with women through FB.

She should date someone who doesn't raise red flags to her.

November 8, 2017

kamille i recall you saying that you fall really fast for people who go in strong on you somewhere and that your relationships dissipate fast for that reason....Sorry if I am wrong...but okay. I guess blindly trusting everyone who love bombs you is the way to go...I don't think I will try that strategy though. I find how thick this guy has laid it on ES unattractive in and of itself.

November 8, 2017

So while you were dating, when they put heart smiley faces he gave them back to the women. I see. I thought you meant he just got likes from them. Because when people make posts, typically many of their friend like their posts. It doesn't mean much, the likes themselves. Depending on how many friends they have, could be in the 100s.

I disagree that he didn't hide. He ignored her request to be added at least once. Then she had to push. Now he's hidden his timeline. It's okay if he's dating others to me, but his behavior has made ES uncomfortable, i think she ought to pass He's not the last man on Earth and there are plenty of men who don't engage in flirty behavior with women through FB.

She should date someone who doesn't raise red flags to her.

No, not once we were dating exclusively did he do any of those things.

The comments from his fan club continued however, because no one knew he was damned near married. As I said, it was amusing.

I missed the part where OP and this guy are exclusive? If you push someone into befriending you, you get what you deserve. Better now than later, I suppose, if one's insecurities are that ingrained. I'd have hidden my timeline too if I was being subjected to an interrogation.

November 8, 2017

Funny, I never "got played". It's actually not something I worry about. You know why? Because I take my time getting attached.

I honestly don't understand the level of anxiety you displayed Eternal Sunshine. I know you feel like you are vindicated by what you're seeing in his profile, but I still feel like you have a lot to unpack about how you behaved and why you felt so anxious. Understand that and dating will get easier.

I also have to wonder if anxious daters attract players...

I actually haven't posted threads like this in years. I was much more laid back and distracted with work to even analyze dates. Last guy I met and dated., I gave benefit of the doubt. Even when his ex wife texted him repeatedly while we were out, even when she contacted me telling me that she has something to tell me. I was having fun and just ignored it all. Turns out, he never even filed for a divorce and was still sleeping with his (ex) wife. She started harassing me constantly over social media, texts and emails. It took me over 6 months to extract myself from that situation. After I ended it and blocked him on everything, he started turning up at my work. I had to threaten him with a restraining order. The whole thing was a total nightmare. At the start, he also sweet talked me and was very evasive about FB.

The guy in this thread is the first guy I have dated since that I saw potential with. I was hyper-vigilant to make sure I don't up in my last situation. I still feel very meh about being in a relationship.

November 8, 2017

No, not once we were dating exclusively did he do any of those things.

The comments from his fan club continued however, because no one knew he was damned near married. As I said, it was amusing.

I missed the part where OP and this guy are exclusive? If you push someone into befriending you, you get what you deserve. Better now than later, I suppose, if one's insecurities are that ingrained. I'd have hidden my timeline too if I was being subjected to an interrogation.

But even this guy sees something is wrong with it. That's why he evaded her friendship request(s) on FB, warned her about it, and he's hidden his timeline? They're not exclusive yet so I don't see what the fuss is??? He can flirt with anyone he wants right now. I've said many times I don't think it's his FB content itself that is the problem (to me, although I would not be cool getting serious with a guy who kept 'friends' who sat in his lap and kissed him. I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't be comfortable with that behavior after we were in a relationship and if that's the way he acts around his friends I don't think I have the right to change him), but his sneaky behavior and love bombing. ES isn't comfortable with a guy who flirts like that with his friends. You were. It's just didn't strokes

November 8, 2017

ES, it's one thing to be vigilant, but another to project all prior experiences onto a current one.

When I got to that point, I dropped out of the dating pool. Might not be a bad idea for you. Good luck.

November 8, 2017

And add the fact he was not trackable online. For a professional man that's nearly impossible nowadays... Unless he's really shady.

Btw I do believe ES gets all the negative comments about how anxious she is etc mainly because of her style of writing. Most posters here just arrange their posts to sound 'more positive' (maybe it is a cultural thing, not saying it's bad but for someone intuitive - the hidden context spills between the lines... If you account for this: she's just about at the middle of the road on the 'dating anxiety' scale...)

But even this guy sees something is wrong with it. That's why he evaded her friendship request(s) on FB, warned her about it, and he's hidden his timeline? They're not exclusive yet so I don't see what the fuss is??? He can flirt with anyone he wants right now. I've said many times I don't think it's his FB content itself that is the problem (to me, although I would not be cool getting serious with a guy who kept 'friends' who sat in his lap and kissed him. I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't be comfortable with that behavior after we were in a relationship and if that's the way he acts around his friends I don't think I have the right to change him), but his sneaky behavior and love bombing. ES isn't comfortable with a guy who flirts like that with his friends. You were. It's just didn't strokes

November 8, 2017

And add the fact he was not trackable online. For a professional man that's nearly impossible nowadays... Unless he's really shady.

Btw I do believe ES gets all the negative comments about how anxious she is etc mainly because of her style of writing. Most posters here just arrange their posts to sound 'more positive' (maybe it is a cultural thing, not saying it's bad but for someone intuitive - the hidden context spills between the lines... If you account for this: she's just about at the middle of the road on the 'dating anxiety' scale...)

Yes, I agree. She's not too bad at all and it could be cultural. She just her thoughts bluntly when she writes and is thorough in her assessments.

I want to apologize to kamille because I got her mixed up with another user who said that she falls too quickly into relationships...Their name started with a K too. But my point still stands...I think it's a bad idea to ignore intuition

November 8, 2017

kamille i recall you saying that you fall really fast for people who go in strong on you somewhere and that your relationships dissipate fast for that reason....Sorry if I am wrong...but okay. I guess blindly trusting everyone who love bombs you is the way to go...I don't think I will try that strategy though. I find how thick this guy has laid it on ES unattractive in and of itself.

I don't recall saying that.

I was smitten with a guy last spring, but he wasn't a love bomber.

More importantly: I don't blindly trust people. I get to know them. Try that sometime.

November 8, 2017

I don't recall saying that.

I was smitten with a guy last spring, but he wasn't a love bomber.

More importantly: I don't blindly trust people. I get to know them. Try that sometime.

My apologies. I had you mistaken for another user

November 8, 2017

My apologies. I had you mistaken for another user

Apology accepted.

My point about getting to know people to let them earn your trust instead of preemptively trying to decide whether or not they're trustworthy still stands.

Sign In

Another one bites the dust?

Recommended Posts

some_username1

Miss Spider

Kamille

some_username1

Eternal Sunshine

No_Go

Kamille

Miss Spider

Eternal Sunshine

MidwestUSA

some_username1

Miss Spider

MidwestUSA

Kamille

Miss Spider

Miss Spider

MidwestUSA

Eternal Sunshine

Miss Spider

MidwestUSA

No_Go

Miss Spider

Kamille

Miss Spider

Kamille

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...