MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[seren]

My H and I are 9 yrs on from D Day, when he told me had, had an A for 8 months. I remember that day as one where my whole life changed, my world view, how I saw love, trust my husband, changed with a sentence. As the other poster put it so very well, I died inside. Now, 9 yrs later I have forgiven my H, he however hasn't and I don't think will ever forgive himself. He hates the man he was during the affair and that his actions hurt me and us. I hate that even though we are very happy, he still cannot identify with the man who had an affair, he hates that he isn't who he thought he was, that he feels his integrity is damaged, he also hates that he hurt me and says that once he woke up to what he was doing he still hadn't imagined the look on my face, he said he would rather have returned to Iraq for a long tour than see that look on my face.

 

You don't come across as contrite, you come across as someone who is having their cake and eating it while saying, oh I know I shouldn't eat this cake but it is good and makes me feel better. Bit like the dieter who goes to weight watchers and eats a pie on the way home. You are kidding yourself if you imagine this is how love looks, not for your husband, your child or even yourself. TBH one of the reasons I couldn't have an A is I have far too much self respect to be hidden, though you seem to be saying you are in the A just for kicks and laughs, but want the AP to love you, even though you don't intend to be with him. Sounds very selfish, sounds like a me, me, me relationship, when of course, relationships should be us, us, us.

 

I echo what others have said, let your H know, let him make an informed decision as to whether he wants a marriage like he has, not the one he thinks he has. He doesn't know he is sharing his wife with another man, so maybe he should be given the facts so he can make his own mind up about what sort of relationship he is in. I hope you remember these posts when he does find out, I hope you remember that people have tried to say to you that nothing is worth the look of hurt on the face of the person who loves you and has your back. I also hope you remember that this is easy to solve, end it, not tomorrow or the next day, now, today. Take a look at your husband and child and remember how it looks when they don't know that their lives are a lie and ask yourself why you need an affair, why you need another to love you,also ask yourself if you could ever forgive yourself for their hurt. I hope you end this today.

Edited February 21, 2017 by seren

[NTV]

Baby steps are still steps. NC is a good thing. Please stick to it.

 

It might feel like we're throwing stones at you here but that's because so many of us know what is needed to get through this.

 

We don't know what will get through to you right now so it's kinda like us playing darts blindfolded.

 

I do know that the best way to get to NC is to tell your husband. Once you see the look on his face you won't think of the other guy again. That is a hard point to get to.

[Overtaxed]

First off, I'd like to echo what others have said. NC is the first, and probably most important step you can take right now. Also, I'm going to soften this a bit for you, you're not diabolical, and you're not an evil person. You're sick. Just like a drug addict who steals from his elderly grandmother who's on SS (actual situation in my family years ago), it's not because he was a terrible person, he was a terribly sick person.

 

But, much like that drug addict, it's ON YOU to get better. Stop using drugs (the OM). Start doing healthy things (with your husband). Reconnect with him. No, he's not perfect, but he does NOT deserve this. NOT EVEN CLOSE. You have no idea (neither did I until it happened to me) what this will do to him. And it's not "for a few months/years", it's forever. He might get over it, but he'll never trust the same way again.

 

Just stop. Take personal responsibility for what you're doing and STOP. The other man cannot "make you" do anything, his flirtations are just that, flirtations. You have all the power to say NO, and that's exactly what you need to do. Once you've done that, I suspect you're husband will start to look better. Remember, A's are all about fantasy, the reality is, you're sleeping with another man who doesn't give a single s**t about your wedding vows, probably doesn't give a s**t about your child, and really, kind of likely (others may disagree), that he doesn't give a s**t about you either except for the sex/validation/ego boost that you provide him. I know, it's a bitter pill. But men don't involve themselves with married women very often if they aren't just looking for a "sidepiece".

 

Your husband DOES CARE about you. He wouldn't commit his life to you if he didn't. What your doing to him is beyond cruel, and, I think you really do know that if you search deep enough. And it's not the OM's fault. It's your fault. The good news is you can change it at any time. Make that day today!

[Life lessons]

I will try to address the posts above at some point today but I wanted to let you all know I immediately went NC yesterday. I'm not going to lie, it's hard but reading all your replies makes it a hair easier to handle. Reading and re reading what you all have said has really opened my eyes. Although we did have a PA, we were intimate a few times, it was more of an EA since we haven't seen each other recently but the communication was still there daily. Not that an EA is right either. I know it's not because it has taken time away from my family. But I did want to clarify that the entire A was more of an Ea than pa. Again, I know it's still wrong. I will continue to re-read these posts because your replies have helped me more than you know. For the ones saying I don't care about my DH you are wrong. And that I don't feel bad...you are wrong. I feel horrible for everything I have done.

[understand50]

I will try to address the posts above at some point today but I wanted to let you all know I immediately went NC yesterday. I'm not going to lie, it's hard but reading all your replies makes it a hair easier to handle. Reading and re reading what you all have said has really opened my eyes. Although we did have a PA, we were intimate a few times, it was more of an EA since we haven't seen each other recently but the communication was still there daily. Not that an EA is right either. I know it's not because it has taken time away from my family. But I did want to clarify that the entire A was more of an Ea than pa. Again, I know it's still wrong. I will continue to re-read these posts because your replies have helped me more than you know. For the ones saying I don't care about my DH you are wrong. And that I don't feel bad...you are wrong. I feel horrible for everything I have done.

 

Life lessons,

 

This is a good first step, and good for you. I think once you get into it you will not find it as hard as you think. Just keep in mind what at stake.

 

Now, you must address the huge thing you did. This was a physical affair. You deliberately got naked and had sex with him. He penetrated you. This is not a EA, this is a PA, and you need to not downgrade, or rewrite your history. For your own mental well being you need to face this head on. Only by acknowledging just what you did, and how bad it is will you get better. DO not hide from it, own it. This is the first step to real remorse, and I hope you can arrive there.

 

 

The next step is to tell your husband, as nothing else you can do will help you start to regain your self esteem, and moral self. You have wounded yourself, and you need to heal.

 

Again, good for you for starting no Contact. Keep strong, and time will help.

 

I wish you luck......

[DKT3]

I will try to address the posts above at some point today but I wanted to let you all know I immediately went NC yesterday. I'm not going to lie, it's hard but reading all your replies makes it a hair easier to handle. Reading and re reading what you all have said has really opened my eyes. Although we did have a PA, we were intimate a few times, it was more of an EA since we haven't seen each other recently but the communication was still there daily. Not that an EA is right either. I know it's not because it has taken time away from my family. But I did want to clarify that the entire A was more of an Ea than pa. Again, I know it's still wrong. I will continue to re-read these posts because your replies have helped me more than you know. For the ones saying I don't care about my DH you are wrong. And that I don't feel bad...you are wrong. I feel horrible for everything I have done.

 

If you really want to whip this at some point you will have to stop minimizing. You will have to accept full responsibility and stop looking for easy outs.

 

As stated above this is a full blown affair, I talked not a EA. None of that will matter when it comes out.

 

However you are moving in the right direction.

[Jersey born raised]

Are you sure you want this thread in this forum and not the wayward??? You are getting mostly the responses you will recieve from your husbands POV here. Perhaps the wayward section allow you insight into others who where on your side of the street, what they saw, feit and experienced. If you hit the alert button on the button of every post it will notify a mod and if you request it moved they will do so.

 

If you choose not to could you post why you choose not to???

[HeCantBreakMe]

I will try to address the posts above at some point today but I wanted to let you all know I immediately went NC yesterday. I'm not going to lie, it's hard but reading all your replies makes it a hair easier to handle. Reading and re reading what you all have said has really opened my eyes. Although we did have a PA, we were intimate a few times, it was more of an EA since we haven't seen each other recently but the communication was still there daily. Not that an EA is right either. I know it's not because it has taken time away from my family. But I did want to clarify that the entire A was more of an Ea than pa. Again, I know it's still wrong. I will continue to re-read these posts because your replies have helped me more than you know. For the ones saying I don't care about my DH you are wrong. And that I don't feel bad...you are wrong. I feel horrible for everything I have done.

 

Good for you. The hardest part though isn't choosing to end the affair and going NC the hardest part is maintaining NC. Even drug addicts at some point have moments of clarity where they want to quit doing what they are doing but because they do not have the proper support they go right back to doing drugs.

 

Action is the first step but now what. What sort of plan do you have. Support, counseling, admitting to your husband, etc. What will stop you from going back to your affair partner when you have moments of weakness because they will come- and they hit hard. Your mind will start playing tricks on you (bargaining stage) and you will start thinking you were a happier person even in your marriage, with your affair partner in your life, OR you can just be friends, etc. Do NOT let your mind play those tricks on you. You are NOT better with the AP in your life in anyway and your marriage is not better because you start remembering only the good times and how he made you happy.

 

You will need to grieve the loss of this person from your life because no matter how toxic he was to you - people do not grieve what they are not losing. So if you are hurting and grieving then you are moving in the right direction- because it means it is over. You cannot push the pain away, you need to use the pain to drive you towards demanding answers, towards rebuilding yourself and your marriage.

 

Again, you do not have to show us but right down your action plan, and start putting those things into place.

[Buckeye2]

The only reason this A happened is because the SM would not stop chasing me and I caved in. I guess I liked the way it made me feel. We began talking for hours at work. No he doesn't work with me but I do/did see him at work.

 

He introduced me to an app that we started messaging in and we have messages daily since.

 

The post below was written by a “player.” Does any part of it sound as if it could have been written by your OM?

 

I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with.

 

So the fact that you gave in to his advances on a married woman with a kid gives him the right to expect certain consideration? You can’t be rude to him by ignoring him?

 

WRITTEN BY A PLAYER:

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage.

 

If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

•

 

[GoldenR]

It doesn't matter how many times. It was a PA. There is no minimizing this, but you have minimized from the get-go with us. Do you know how many waywards say, "It was just once/twice/a few times"? Probably upwards of 90%. Read some threads here....you'll see.

 

I can tell you that if your H ever find out, that none of these sentences will help him:

 

- It wasn't about the sex

- It was only x amount of times

- It wasn't good/I didn't finish

- He had problems performing

- It only lasted 2 minutes (the magic number among waywards, for some reason)

- You're much better than him

- He's much smaller than you

- He's a horrible lover

 

You're going to want to say all of those things. DON'T.

 

You need to come to terms with what you did: YOU HAD A PHYSICAL AFFAIR. You didn't have an EA with a little bit of PA. It's not like you cheated on your diet and added a little salt to your food when you shouldn't have. You had a PA.

[ShatteredLady]

I know that it's said men are a lot more broken by PA's than EA's than women.

 

PLEASE know that the fact you 'only' had sex a few times BUT shared intimacies, lusted after him, said all those things, wrote all those things EVERY SINGLE DAY is most definitely NOT going to make your husband feel better!

 

You wanted the OM to 'fall in love' with you?!? I know the best way to do that is love bomb someone. What romantic words did you write? Did you mention those 3 little words?

 

In the midst of the mind moves of you 'enjoying" another man, the knowledge of the things said...he's most likely to find some 'stray' message (my H thought he was careful! He's an IT super geek!! People in affairs get carried away!) is going to shatter him.

 

It's not just your body you promised to keep only for your husband.

[Doorstopper]

I'm even using a friends old email that she no longer uses. I've had her password info and all with her knowledge for years because of social media happenings. So yes I have done my best to cover my tracks. Again I know how bad all this sounds but I'm being honest here. Regardless I know i know that I would never throw any of this into my h face. Ever.

 

 

So you have an e-mail that's been hidden from your husband for years because of social media happenings? What is all that about? Have you had other EAs?

[aliveagain]

N/C is the right decision, there is one more truth you need to consider, others know about your affair and you can not control others. You may be willing to take the secret to your grave but others may not. Friends that are friends today may not be in the future. Players like your affair partner are the kind of guys that brag about their conquests, us guys all know someone like him from our pasts. The one I usually refer to in my posts I call Sl*ty Jim. His most famous quote that I remember was "I have never met an ugly vagina." This guy told everyone about his conquests, specially when he had a beer in his hand, it gave him strength.

 

Your affair partner comes to your work place and knows others that work in your company. This is not his first rodeo, he is just too slick in showing you the best ways to hide your affair. Your so called friend that lets you use her old email, no telling who she has told in confidence, family is a lot closer then friends and affairs are good gossip. She is a part of the circle you and your husband call friends. This is how a lot of affairs get busted because you can't trust people that help you be deceitful. This is why we always promote honesty. Getting busted, today, tomorrow, 20 years from now will hurt and devastate your husband the same way, the hurt starts on the day of discovery. You can't have secrets this big against your husband with people you can't control or trust.

 

Remember, one day your husband may suspect. First thing he will do is find a site like this(there are many others) seeking help. He will find someone like me who will tell him what to look for, how to find your travel bag with your special private things, where to look(pockets of old coats way in the back of the closet etc, etc, etc.) and to contact a lawyer so he understands his rights. We will also tell him how to retrieve all your deleted messages from the different apps.

Edited February 21, 2017 by aliveagain

[BluesPower]

I will try to address the posts above at some point today but I wanted to let you all know I immediately went NC yesterday. I'm not going to lie, it's hard but reading all your replies makes it a hair easier to handle. Reading and re reading what you all have said has really opened my eyes. Although we did have a PA, we were intimate a few times, it was more of an EA since we haven't seen each other recently but the communication was still there daily. Not that an EA is right either. I know it's not because it has taken time away from my family. But I did want to clarify that the entire A was more of an Ea than pa. Again, I know it's still wrong. I will continue to re-read these posts because your replies have helped me more than you know. For the ones saying I don't care about my DH you are wrong. And that I don't feel bad...you are wrong. I feel horrible for everything I have done.

 

First I am proud of you for going no contact. I could see that you were starting to wake up to what is actually going on...

 

Understand this, an EA can be bad, just like any affair. But you need to realize that you are not and have not had an EA. You guys have had sex and that crosses a whole other line. So don't let yourself believe, or fool yourself, that because you only had sex a few times it somehow makes it better. It does not, and your husband will never ever see it that way.

 

When you initiated sex you took your betrayal to a whole new level.

 

And what is more you know you did, and no amount of lying to yourself will change that.

 

But, if you are going NC you need to breath deep and keep your chin up. You have taken the first step necessary to reclaim your husband and your family.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Life lessons]

So you have an e-mail that's been hidden from your husband for years because of social media happenings? What is all that about? Have you had other EAs?

 

Not exactly. It's an email I've used for things such as this. Not mine but I have access. Didnt start using until recent. No other PA or EA.

[Life lessons]

I know that it's said men are a lot more broken by PA's than EA's than women.

 

PLEASE know that the fact you 'only' had sex a few times BUT shared intimacies, lusted after him, said all those things, wrote all those things EVERY SINGLE DAY is most definitely NOT going to make your husband feel better!

 

You wanted the OM to 'fall in love' with you?!? I know the best way to do that is love bomb someone. What romantic words did you write? Did you mention those 3 little words?

 

In the midst of the mind moves of you 'enjoying" another man, the knowledge of the things said...he's most likely to find some 'stray' message (my H thought he was careful! He's an IT super geek!! People in affairs get carried away!) is going to shatter him.

 

It's not just your body you promised to keep only for your husband.

 

 

I've never said those 3 words. Never would've!!

[Globug]

If your friend no longer uses the email delete it. Or tell your DH about it and give him the log in information. If you block the OM you won't have to worry about him seeing anything.

 

 

Let your DH have full access to your phone at all time.

 

 

If you are not ready to tell your DH what you did then at least put yourself in a position where you could be caught so you will HAVE to be accountable.

 

 

Telling a bunch of strangers online that you are going NC is very easy to not be held accountable.

[Life lessons]

If your friend no longer uses the email delete it. Or tell your DH about it and give him the log in information. If you block the OM you won't have to worry about him seeing anything.

 

 

Let your DH have full access to your phone at all time.

 

 

If you are not ready to tell your DH what you did then at least put yourself in a position where you could be caught so you will HAVE to be accountable.

 

 

Telling a bunch of strangers online that you are going NC is very easy to not be held accountable.

 

I have deleted the account. My h does have full access to my phone at all times.

[DKT3]

I have deleted the account. My h does have full access to my phone at all times.

 

Why is that?

[Cephalopod]

Did your friend know you were using her email to facilitate this affair?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Not trying to be a troublemaker, but why do I always get the feeling reading the commentary below (which is popular around here) that it was written by some BS trying to make a point?

 

It just reads waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too "Dear Penthouse Forum...I NEVER thought it would happen to me" or like a woman masquerading as a man writing for Men's Health (ask me how I know all about that)...I dunno.

 

I guess it's possible that this was an actual player, that this actual player used this M.O. and that some others do as well but I can't see why it's constantly pulled out as some sort of definitive proof that all or even most (we all know that's the intimation, despite careful disclaimers) male APs operate just like this and are laughing at the women they do and the women's BHs.

 

I'm not trying to take away from what the OP has done, that is a totally separate issue which has been and continues to be addressed (I addressed it too, negatively).

 

I don't know, the whole diatribe just...reads so much like a BS trying to hurt the WW who hurt him.

 

That is all, carry on...

 

The post below was written by a “player.” Does any part of it sound as if it could have been written by your OM?

 

 

 

So the fact that you gave in to his advances on a married woman with a kid gives him the right to expect certain consideration? You can’t be rude to him by ignoring him?

 

WRITTEN BY A PLAYER:

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage.

 

If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

•

 

[Mr. Lucky]

But I did want to clarify that the entire A was more of an Ea than pa.

 

This is the third or fourth time you've made this distinction.

 

Why is it important to you to describe it as such?

 

Do you think your husband would describe it the same way?

 

Mr. Lucky

[CaliforniaGirl]

I've never said those 3 words. Never would've!!

 

You never said you loved him yet you risked literally every single element of your life to have the affair, went physical (you're admitting to "a few" times as we can see as an at-the-very-least admission, sorry), and had apparently an incredible amount of pain tearing yourself away from it.

 

You don't need to say three little words to show by your actions just how either in love you are (or think you are) or how, I guess, "addicted", if you will.

 

If that element didn't exist you could have just stopped. Just stopped or, how about: never even started?

[Mr. Lucky]

My advice? You say your husband is an amazing man. Divorce him. Let him find a wife that will cherish him and respect him the way he should be. Let him find a loyal wife. Or do you think he deserves to be with someone that has treated him with total disrespect and disdain? And in your BH's eyes, once he finds out, he will feel that you treated him with hatred.

 

Do him and yourself a favor, let him go. Give him a chance to be happy with someone else. And then you'll be free to pursue all the men (that you don't love) that you are able to.

 

For simple and obvious reasons, that never happens in situations like this.

 

The same narcissistic sense of selfishness and self-absorption that enables the affair also drives the cheater to hold on to an "amazing" spouse, usually by keeping them in the dark.

 

They'll rationalize this by claiming disclosure would only hurt their partner.

 

WS don't get where they are by doing the right thing thing. Their focus is on the right thing - for them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Life lessons]

Why is that?

 

Why is what??