MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Cephalopod]

Absolutely. This man has manipulated you and taken advantage of your vulnerability... But you need to accept full responsibility for your role in this betrayal. An affair does not "just happen..." He may have been grooming you but you have had numerous opportunities to do the right thing and say "No - I love my family and I will not disrespect them in this way."

 

How was she vulnerable? She's an adult who can analyze a situation and make an informed decision. She says she had a good marriage with a good husband who treated her well. I don't see where you get that she was "vulnerable".

[Cephalopod]

I put the answers behind the questions above.

Yes

 

Thank you for being honest.

 

And just so you know, "affair sex" is almost always better, hotter and more exciting because it is illicit and dangerous. The same brain endorphins that a gambler gets a rush from when she is winning at blackjack are the same endorphins that are released when having risky sex.

 

Your OM isn't better in bed than your husband. He's just new.

[Life lessons]

This. I'm also sensing a lack of personal responsibility.

"He kept chasing me." "I had no intention of doing this" "One thing led to another."

 

I can completely see why you think this. I understand!

[Cephalopod]

One more question:

 

Do you think you are monogamous by nature?

 

Would you prefer to be in an open marriage environment and have several partners rather than just your husband? And, likewise, your husband would have several female partners?

[Cephalopod]

This. I'm also sensing a lack of personal responsibility.

"He kept chasing me." "I had no intention of doing this" "One thing led to another."

 

I thought she said she pursued him. I'm confused.

[BaileyB]

How was she vulnerable? She's an adult who can analyze a situation and make an informed decision. She says she had a good marriage with a good husband who treated her well. I don't see where you get that she was "vulnerable".

 

You are correct, definitely a grown woman with the ability to make a decision and accept the consequences of that decision. Perhaps this is my mistake... I have a hard time understanding how a woman who claims to love her family could make a decision that would cause pain and destroy the family unit.

 

Perhaps I made an incorrect assumption, but I would like to believe that something more is going on in this woman's life such that when an offer came her way that another woman would reject without consideration, this woman considered and accepted the offer.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I would like to believe that women who have good mental health and a stable relationship would not even consider accepting such an offer... There has to be some vulnerability that he recognized (and pursued)... some vulnerability to caused a woman to claims to love her husband and child to risk it all...

[Life lessons]

What he has done to you is hurtful and disrespectful. If I was you, I would be so angry with this man.

 

If it true that you don't want a life with him and you don't want to lose your family, you need to find a way to break this addiction. COUNSELLING! It starts by learning why you were so vulnerable to this man, rediscovering your integrity and self respect, and then doing what you need to do to honor the commitment that you have made to your family.

 

Thank you baileyb. I never looked at it rhat way but yes, it is hurtful and disrespectful on his part as well as mine. Yes, it's true, I don't want a life with him. I do need to figure out why I was so vulnerable. That's typically not like me. I'm typically a strong person but I obviously have made a huge mistake.

[BaileyB]

Thank you baileyb. I never looked at it rhat way but yes, it is hurtful and disrespectful on his part as well as mine. Yes, it's true, I don't want a life with him. I do need to figure out why I was so vulnerable. That's typically not like me. I'm typically a strong person but I obviously have made a huge mistake.

 

I would say, with much respect, that you have had a serious error in judgment. You need to figure out why this has happened, so that you can make amends with your husband (if this is your decision) and never allow this to happen again.

[Life lessons]

He is bragging to his friends about the sexual relationship with you.

 

He is laughing at your H.

 

How would you feel if your H was having an A like you are?

 

Would that bother you? Would you divorce him for his affair?

 

If you can't stop the drug, at least tell your H that you have opened your marriage and he is free to have an affair with anyone that he wants.

 

Does that seem fair to you?

 

Right now your marriage does not seem fair to your H. You are giving your time, energy and attention to someone that enjoys the sex with you, but does not care about your child.

 

Hope you wake up in time. If you can't stop, then tell your H and get a divorce. If you ever loved him, you owe him that much.

 

I would feel horrible if my husband had an A. And yes I'd more than likely divorce him. I know none of this is fair to him. You all are really helping me to see things I didn't see before. Yes I've known it was wrong...I know it has to stop...soon!!! I'm at the point where I'm ready for it to stop.

[Life lessons]

I thought she said she pursued him. I'm confused.

 

No. He pursued me for months. But still yet, I should've been strong enough to say no.

[BaileyB]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612092-do-men-suffer-much

 

If you haven't read this, take some time to look through this discussion. Some of the comments from the male perspective related to "the other man's experience" of an affair may be particularly insightful.

 

It would seem based on what you've shared that this man has pursued you, and groomed you, subtly taking steps to move further into the affair until you get so deep, it's difficult for you to understand how you got there or how to get out.

 

And I definitely agree that this man has gone about "winning" you in a very competitive way. And, your poor husband has no idea that it is a competition... which really isn't fair to him.

[BuddyX]

Post from another LS member.

 

"An affair is such a slippery slope - at least for the married / committed AP. You take one teeny small step over the line, then another, then another, and suddenly you're looking across the deepest widest abyss over to where normal and moral behavior is and wondering how the hell you got there, yet it still feels "normal" or "justifiable" in some completely illogical way"

[Bryanp]

Imagine yourself being a divorced single mom sharing your child with your husband 50% of the time.

 

Imagine yourself giving an STD to your husband.

 

Imagine watching your husband divorcing you and marrying another woman who treats him with respect and dignity.

 

This is your future.

 

By the way how would you feel if your husband said I did not want anything from my lover but she continued to pursue me and I just caved in because I could not say NO and well things just happened. It sounds quite hollow don't you think?

 

You words say you love your husband more than anything but your actions continued to have sex behind your husband's back putting him at risk for STD's. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speaks volumes about how you really feel toward your husband whether you like it or not.

[Life lessons]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612092-do-men-suffer-much

 

If you haven't read this, take some time to look through this discussion. Some of the comments from the male perspective related to "the other man's experience" of an affair may be particularly insightful.

 

It would seem based on what you've shared that this man has pursued you, and groomed you, subtly taking steps to move further into the affair until you get so deep, it's difficult for you to understand how you got there or how to get out.

 

And I definitely agree that this man has gone about "winning" you in a very competitive way. And, your poor husband has no idea that it is a competition... which really isn't fair to him.

 

I have read some of it and will finish the rest. Thank you! And I don't quite understand why you state the second part!? Why would he want me so deep in this affair? I really think he knows that I will not leave my H.

[Life lessons]

Imagine yourself being a divorced single mom sharing your child with your husband 50% of the time.

 

Imagine yourself giving an STD to your husband.

 

Imagine watching your husband divorcing you and marrying another woman who treats him with respect and dignity.

 

This is your future.

 

By the way how would you feel if your husband said I did not want anything from my lover but she continued to pursue me and I just caved in because I could not say NO and well things just happened. It sounds quite hollow don't you think?

 

You words say you love your husband more than anything but your actions continued to have sex behind your husband's back putting him at risk for STD's. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speaks volumes about how you really feel toward your husband whether you like it or not.

 

Very true. I definitely know actions speak louder than words. And yes...very hollow! I make him use a condom, so I'm not really worried about stds.

[Bryanp]

Do you really want the future for yourself that I just proposed?

Why are you risking everything for this?

[Cephalopod]

I thought she said she pursued him. I'm confused.

 

I have read some of it and will finish the rest. Thank you! And I don't quite understand why you state the second part!? Why would he want me so deep in this affair? I really think he knows that I will not leave my H.

 

Well of course he knows that. He doesn't want your life. He just wants to have free sex with you. He doesn't have to work and help you pay bills and help you raise kids and put up with in-laws and do all that boring, unsexy, unromantic stuff your husband has to do. He is freed up to be your Harlequin Romance lover, complete with puffy shirt.

 

He's got a sweet deal.

[BaileyB]

I have read some of it and will finish the rest. Thank you! And I don't quite understand why you state the second part!? Why would he want me so deep in this affair? I really think he knows that I will not leave my H.

 

It's just his game. He started out by talking with you, becoming your friend. He was probably someone that you looked forward to talking too... Then, he kissed you. You didn't stop it, so that encouraged him to continue... A little more time and attention, and then... You are in his bed! Now, you've only slept together a few times, but you still haven't stopped it or said no... So, now that you have more time to spend together... he'll get a hotel room and you can go away for the weekend. And then, you are hooked!

 

Doesn't really matter if you will leave your husband or not. If his goal was sex, then he has achieved his goal. He has a willing partner who has attached to him and hasn't walked away... And even better, he doesn't even have to sign his name on the line to commit to you, to marry you, to share the stress of a mortgage or a child with you, to listen to you when you are angry with him because he stayed out too late... He has a woman who is ready to have a good time and he has none of the responsibility of a real commitment.

 

Really, you have to know this. If his goal is no strings attached sex, you have fallen right into his lap and you don't really even seem to realize this. I would say, based on what you have described and this won't sound nice, that he has groomed you in much the same way a sexual predator would groom a child. What he has done is not much different.

 

Please, wise up and walk away. You have a family - are you really prepared to lose everything for a sexual relationship with a man you say that you do not love and do not want a relationship? A sexual relationship with a man who knew that you had everything to lose, and continued to pursue you anyway...

 

It's not too late. You are not in this too deep. But, you MUST make a serious course correction if you have any hope of keeping your family.

 

This man, is not worth it. He is not worth your time and affection. And, he is not worth your life with your family.

[Life lessons]

Do you really want the future for yourself that I just proposed?

Why are you risking everything for this?

 

Absolutely not. And I don't want to risk everything. That's why I am here and wanting to get it off my chest.

[DKT3]

I have read some of it and will finish the rest. Thank you! And I don't quite understand why you state the second part!? Why would he want me so deep in this affair? I really think he knows that I will not leave my H.

 

Why does he believe you won't leave your husband? Cuz you said so? I'm sure you also once said you would not have sex with him.

[whichwayisup]

I feel bad too because he does not deserve this. I do want to change it, that's why I've posted here. It's just so hard to make it happen.

What changes are you truly willing to make? Be honest with yourself and also consider counseling because you're broken inside. You've chosen to have an affair, you didn't just 'fall into it' because you were too weak to say no to the SM. There's something else going on whether it's just being selfish and wanting what you what regardless of the fallout and possibility of you losing your husband and family unit as one (you certainly are risking everything for some single guy who is feeding your ego and makes you feel good) or you truly just want fun on the side and are bored with your husband. Therapy can help you figure it out.

[aliveagain]

Very true. I definitely know actions speak louder than words. And yes...very hollow! I make him use a condom, so I'm not really worried about stds.

 

Just so you know condoms don't stop all STD's and you can get an STD from simple finger insertion. BJ's are a major risk and some of the most serious STD's won't even show up until 6 months after your last encounter.

 

I am sure that everyone who is important in your life will be happy to know that you thought enough about your husband to do this. Read this about 10 times then ask yourself what is wrong with that sentence. I think you should make your husband wear a condom. You have a very long journey ahead of you.

[whichwayisup]

I would feel horrible if my husband had an A. And yes I'd more than likely divorce him. I know none of this is fair to him. You all are really helping me to see things I didn't see before. Yes I've known it was wrong...I know it has to stop...soon!!! I'm at the point where I'm ready for it to stop.

 

Soon? Why not now?

[Life lessons]

It's just his game. He started out by talking with you, becoming your friend. He was probably someone that you looked forward to talking too... Then, he kissed you. You didn't stop it, so that encouraged him to continue... A little more time and attention, and then... You are in his bed! Now, you've only slept together a few times, but you still haven't stopped it or said no... So, now that you have more time to spend together... he'll get a hotel room and you can go away for the weekend. And then, you are hooked!

 

Doesn't really matter if you will leave your husband or not. If his goal was sex, then he has achieved his goal. He has a willing partner who has attached to him and hasn't walked away... And even better, he doesn't even have to sign his name on the line to commit to you, to marry you, to share the stress of a mortgage or a child with you, to listen to you when you are angry with him because he stayed out too late... He has a woman who is ready to have a good time and he has none of the responsibility of a real commitment.

 

Really, you have to know this. If his goal is no strings attached sex, you have fallen right into his lap and you don't really even seem to realize this. I would say, based on what you have described and this won't sound nice, that he has groomed you in much the same way a sexual predator would groom a child. What he has done is not much different.

 

Please, wise up and walk away. You have a family - are you really prepared to lose everything for a sexual relationship with a man you say that you do not love and do not want a relationship? A sexual relationship with a man who knew that you had everything to lose, and continued to pursue you anyway...

 

It's not too late. You are not in this too deep. But, you MUST make a serious course correction if you have any hope of keeping your family.

 

This man, is not worth it. He is not worth your time and affection. And, he is not worth your life with your family.

 

Yes he pursued me for months and spent hours talking but I was the one that kissed him...I want to be honest so yes, I made the move to kiss him first. As far as sex. I guess I kinda made that happen as well. I made it happen because I did want it to happen because I felt we had the ea there. This all probably looks so much worse but I'm so tired of lying.

 

I agree with the rest. I do realize this is no stringed attached. That's always been the intention.

[BaileyB]

This man that you are sleeping with on the side, are you his only friend with benefits? And, if you say yes, do you honestly think that a man who knowingly has an affair with a married woman is trustworthy enough to believe him?