Imajerk17 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I know it is my fault as well. we're both to blame. No he shouldn't have pursued me and no I shouldn't have let it happen. We're both at fault. Actually, you are ALL at fault OP. It's YOUR job to respect your marriage, not your AP's. Let's get that straight first. When this guy was putting the moves on you, pursuing you, ect., you never once thought about your husband and child? Seriously? And when he was "talking to you for 2.5 hours" (you mentioned this in an earlier post), it never occurred to you to get up and walk away? You are either extremely naive or extremely selfish. And what is the worst is that your family is going to be the one to pay the price for your horrible decisions (key word, DECISIONS). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 This victim mentality needs to STOP! I mean seriously? A man (husband) is being cheated on here ... and you all are still acting like the cheating wife was the victim in all this because another 'evil man' did all the horrible things to 'trick' her? Is that the narrative these days? How about adults take responsibility for their actions. You cheated because you wanted to. Plain and simple. Stop with the victim painting for God's sake. If a man cheats, he is wrong. Fine. But if a woman cheats, another man must have conned her and she must have been vulnerable and taken advantage of? Really? Jesus Christ man. This is LS. To a lot of members, it's always somehow the man's fault. How long have you been here? Anyone who can read knows this is a fact about LS. I remember a thread where a husband works full time and does all the house chores the wife literally didn't work and her kids were in school most of the day. The husband worked all day, had a long commute, then came home and did all the cooking and cleaning. And there were still women putting the blame on that man for issues in their relationship. Welcome to LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You say your husband is a good man. Do you know what happens when a good man breaks? I can tell you what this good man did when he found out his wife had cheated on him with several men and had become, without my knowledge, a prescription drug addict. I unleashed holy legal hell on her in order to make sure she did not get our daughter. And she did not. Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I know it is my fault as well. we're both to blame. No he shouldn't have pursued me and no I shouldn't have let it happen. We're both at fault. No. You are at fault. 100%. AP is a single guy and can do whatever he heck he wants. Single guys hit on women all the time and inadvertently that may include taken, engaged, or married women sometimes. It is women's responsibility to say "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm married." Admit it, you led this whole thing, because guys don't bother pursuing someone if they know the door is completely shut! I know this is true because you admitted you initiated the kiss and you initiated the sex! Let's get one thing straight, you took marriage wows (not the single guy). You needed to one honor those promises you made, not AP. You broke your promise to your husband, not AP. AP maybe a douche but this affair is 100% on you. This affair is about you and your husband -- and the broken marriage wows. Since husband has no clue, the fault is 100% yours. You can't see this because throughout this whole thread you talk more about AP and use "we" as it you are a couple with AP.... with no mention of the husband and what is gonna happen to him. You claim to love your husband but appear to me more concerned about this AP feelings than your marriage. I find that unbelievable! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You're right. He doesn't deserve a reason. Yes I am terribly damaged. I realize that. As stated previously, I'm normally not weak. I have men flirt with me almost daily and have never done something like this. I really don't know why I put myself in this position this time. Because you liked this guy, you were attracted to him, and you gave in to lust. Never underestimate the primordial power of simple human lust. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I know it is my fault as well. we're both to blame. No he shouldn't have pursued me and no I shouldn't have let it happen. We're both at fault. No, it's all your fault. OM owes your family no loyalty you do. OM didnt betray your husband or risk your kids having a 100% relationship with both parents, you did. It's 100% your fault. Poor boundaries and lack of impulse control, a sense of entitlement are your partners in crime, OM is just someone who took advantage of what you were offering. It's all on you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with. It's that every time I try, I get sucked in by his words. So your affair partner (AP) "deserves a reason" for ending the affair (as if being married was not reason enough), but your husband does not deserve to even know about the affair? That cheater's logic says it all. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 This is LS. To a lot of members, it's always somehow the man's fault. How long have you been here? Anyone who can read knows this is a fact about LS. I remember a thread where a husband works full time and does all the house chores the wife literally didn't work and her kids were in school most of the day. The husband worked all day, had a long commute, then came home and did all the cooking and cleaning. And there were still women putting the blame on that man for issues in their relationship. Welcome to LS. This double standard needs to STOP! It is damaging to men, it is damaging to women (as damaged 'good men' eventually turn into insensitive partners), it is damaging to our future as it gets harder and harder to get and stay married -- which in return is causing high % of single-parent households with kids who don't know what a real, happy, long-lasting relationship should look like. If we can't even tell the truth to a cheating wife (which is shunned in most cultures, but our too-politically-correct society), who by admission initiated the kiss & sex, doesn't immediately stop the A (oh it will happen "soon" alright), and has no plans to come clean to the husband, what kind of society do we live in? Honestly. This PC culture (fueled by feminist nonsense of 'men always wrong') is causing serious problems in our society. It needs to stop. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You have to get rid of the devil made me do it line. You are a full grown woman and responsible for your own actions. As you said, men hit on you every day, so why accept his offer? Because you wanted to accept. It wasn't a mistake, it was a bad decision. This OM is no prize but an opportunist, I image that he does this frequently and you are just another notch on his belt. I don't say that to be mean, but to get you to realize he is not friend, but a destroyer of relationships and he could careless. This is an easy relationship for him, because he has no responsibilities, but just blow smoke up your skit to get what he wants. Your husbands world has been shattered, he just doesn't know it yet. You have a rough road ahead and a lot of work to repair your marriage. You need to accept responsibility and seek professional counseling to repair the damage. The moment you take responsibility for everything in your life, is the moment you can change anything in your life. - Hal Elrod Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Life Lessons....try this for motivation: Imagine your H in a room being ridiculed and laughed at by your beloved AP. He is being cruel and joking about how silly and weak a man your H is. Now add yourself to this visual image...How would you respond to the treatment of your H by the OM? Would you join in and belittle your H or would you begin to defend your H and attack the OM? This is your motivation to get out of the A. Every time you text, meet up or entertain the OM you are joining him in belittling both your H, your child and your M. What are you feeling? Shame, embarrassment, guilt? Use these emotions to motivate yourself for the sake of your H, Marriage and child to come back to reality. Find another job...you know as well as everyone else the "I'll just try to steer clear" excuse won't work. You need to leave your job, change your number and go completely no contact in order for this to work. This is only the first step the next step is to get counselling to understand why you're being so destructive to yourself and to your family....there is an underlying reason. Next, your husband will need to know. Sorry but he will, some way some how, especially if your AP may have become emotionally attached or prideful in the competition of winning your virtue, the OM is sorry enough to let your H find out....this i am confident about. Better from you, after counselling than from the AP. Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Life lessons, You are saying some of the right things... From my perspective as I read what you are saying, you sound a bit emotionally detached from your husband. It may be the result of the infidelity, or, maybe you have a bad marriage and were already becoming emotionally detached from your husband. It make cheating a lot easier when you are emotionally detached. You are responding and saying the right things. You seem to know the lingo and the shorthand acronyms. I guess maybe you have been visiting this site and others for awhile, so you know how you should be reacting and feeling if you are a regretful wandering wife.... However, maybe your emotional detachment is a hardwired thing... perhaps you are in the group of people that are not able to really emotionally attach to anything. Sometimes due to life trauma, sometimes due to natural inherited tendencies. In which case, if you are in this last group, you may be able to pull off keeping this lie for as long as you are in a relationship with your husband. If you never really had any emotional attachment to your husband, lying to him is probable not going to bother you that much. If you never really had that much emotional attachment to your husband, I doubt the way you touch him and how you talk to him will change that much. So, he probable won't notice that you are in an affair. The only way your husband will notice will be if you are a different person now from who you use to be.... However, if you have always been this way... At the moment, since it is convenient for you to have your current husband... I am sure you will be able to flawlessly keep up the lies and keep pretending to be the loyal wife. However, I am sure, sometime in the future, your husband will say or do something that is probable going to really make you mad, in which case, you and always insult his manhood and tell him that you have had better lovers, or, maybe you will tell him how easily you were able to lie and manipulate him. Someday.... in a year or five... this is really going to be a very good emotional bat to be able to use to take a swing at him with. You will probable be able to really put him in his place with this.... someday.. a few years from now.... when you get angry.... Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 This double standard needs to STOP! It is damaging to men, it is damaging to women (as damaged 'good men' eventually turn into insensitive partners), it is damaging to our future as it gets harder and harder to get and stay married -- which in return is causing high % of single-parent households with kids who don't know what a real, happy, long-lasting relationship should look like. If we can't even tell the truth to a cheating wife (which is shunned in most cultures, but our too-politically-correct society), who by admission initiated the kiss & sex, doesn't immediately stop the A (oh it will happen "soon" alright), and has no plans to come clean to the husband, what kind of society do we live in? Honestly. This PC culture (fueled by feminist nonsense of 'men always wrong') is causing serious problems in our society. It needs to stop. Careful speaking out against the feminists. Mods here don't like it. They call it group berating if you do it against feminists. They allow group berating if the ones being berated are men. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Careful speaking out against the feminists. Mods here don't like it. They call it group berating if you do it against feminists. They allow group berating if the ones being berated are men. So 'free speech' ... only if it is against men? Got it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 No, it's all your fault. OM owes your family no loyalty you do. OM didnt betray your husband or risk your kids having a 100% relationship with both parents, you did. It's 100% your fault. Poor boundaries and lack of impulse control, a sense of entitlement are your partners in crime, OM is just someone who took advantage of what you were offering. It's all on you. I understand how you think that!! You're right, it is on me. I realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I understand how you think that!! You're right, it is on me. I realize that. Change! Don't "try". Just stop doing this & work bloody hard to be the person, the mother, the wife that you want to be. There are things in life that you can never truly understand until you've lived it. I have a few of them. Stage 4 cancer. Suicide of a loved one. You have no idea how destructive adultery is. It's NOT something that your husband will completely recover from. He will NEVER be the same man again. Innocent, true love will forever be a lie. He will become one of those people who firmly believes that you should NEVER completely trust, never put your faith in, never rely on another human being. Can you think of anything more tragic? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Life lessons, You are saying some of the right things... From my perspective as I read what you are saying, you sound a bit emotionally detached from your husband. It may be the result of the infidelity, or, maybe you have a bad marriage and were already becoming emotionally detached from your husband. It make cheating a lot easier when you are emotionally detached. You are responding and saying the right things. You seem to know the lingo and the shorthand acronyms. I guess maybe you have been visiting this site and others for awhile, so you know how you should be reacting and feeling if you are a regretful wandering wife.... However, maybe your emotional detachment is a hardwired thing... perhaps you are in the group of people that are not able to really emotionally attach to anything. Sometimes due to life trauma, sometimes due to natural inherited tendencies. In which case, if you are in this last group, you may be able to pull off keeping this lie for as long as you are in a relationship with your husband. If you never really had any emotional attachment to your husband, lying to him is probable not going to bother you that much. If you never really had that much emotional attachment to your husband, I doubt the way you touch him and how you talk to him will change that much. So, he probable won't notice that you are in an affair. The only way your husband will notice will be if you are a different person now from who you use to be.... However, if you have always been this way... At the moment, since it is convenient for you to have your current husband... I am sure you will be able to flawlessly keep up the lies and keep pretending to be the loyal wife. However, I am sure, sometime in the future, your husband will say or do something that is probable going to really make you mad, in which case, you and always insult his manhood and tell him that you have had better lovers, or, maybe you will tell him how easily you were able to lie and manipulate him. Someday.... in a year or five... this is really going to be a very good emotional bat to be able to use to take a swing at him with. You will probable be able to really put him in his place with this.... someday.. a few years from now.... when you get angry.... You have good points. I do think It is hard for me to emotionally attach to things. I've always been that way. I don't feel I've become anymore emotionally detached or attached than what I've always been. I would never be angry enough to put my h down or hurt him verbally. As I've stated I do want to stop this and I am going to. Yes I've taken so many steps to insure my h doesn't find out. I'm even using a friends old email that she no longer uses. I've had her password info and all with her knowledge for years because of social media happenings. So yes I have done my best to cover my tracks. Again I know how bad all this sounds but I'm being honest here. Regardless I know i know that I would never throw any of this into my h face. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Change! Don't "try". Just stop doing this & work bloody hard to be the person, the mother, the wife that you want to be. There are things in life that you can never truly understand until you've lived it. I have a few of them. Stage 4 cancer. Suicide of a loved one. You have no idea how destructive adultery is. It's NOT something that your husband will completely recover from. He will NEVER be the same man again. Innocent, true love will forever be a lie. He will become one of those people who firmly believes that you should NEVER completely trust, never put your faith in, never rely on another human being. Can you think of anything more tragic? Absolutely!! Thanks for your words! I am one of those people that you are referring too. I don't ever trust anyone completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I noticed the double standards here too, people are quick to blameshift to the cheating womans affair partner being a "predator" and player" along with the now feminized Western society I pointed out in another thread I felt that women now cheat more than men (as evident by several cheating women who post their stories and betrayed husbands posting theirs on this very site) and was nearly banned 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Absolutely!! Thanks for your words! I am one of those people that you are referring too. I don't ever trust anyone completely. And yet, you've trusted your affair partner in a way that you should never have trusted him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Life Lessons....try this for motivation: Imagine your H in a room being ridiculed and laughed at by your beloved AP. He is being cruel and joking about how silly and weak a man your H is. Now add yourself to this visual image...How would you respond to the treatment of your H by the OM? Would you join in and belittle your H or would you begin to defend your H and attack the OM? This is your motivation to get out of the A. Every time you text, meet up or entertain the OM you are joining him in belittling both your H, your child and your M. What are you feeling? Shame, embarrassment, guilt? Use these emotions to motivate yourself for the sake of your H, Marriage and child to come back to reality. Find another job...you know as well as everyone else the "I'll just try to steer clear" excuse won't work. You need to leave your job, change your number and go completely no contact in order for this to work. This is only the first step the next step is to get counselling to understand why you're being so destructive to yourself and to your family....there is an underlying reason. Next, your husband will need to know. Sorry but he will, some way some how, especially if your AP may have become emotionally attached or prideful in the competition of winning your virtue, the OM is sorry enough to let your H find out....this i am confident about. Better from you, after counselling than from the AP. I would definitely defend my h. Yes. Shame and guilt are both felt. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Has your behavior towards your husband changed in ANY way? Has your appearance, habits, spirit changed at all? If you can truly say no I'd be worried. You're a very cold one! If your answer is yes...the only thing that was worse for me was the fact my gut was SCREAMING at me but I didn't know why! Those affair months when I knew something was very, very wrong but I convinced myself it was all my fault were excruciating! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 And yet, you've trusted your affair partner in a way that you should never have trusted him... I do understand what you are saying here. You're correct!! I have put some trust there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 By Life lessons You're right. He doesn't deserve a reason. Yes I am terribly damaged. I realize that. As stated previously, I'm normally not weak. I have men flirt with me almost daily and have never done something like this. I really don't know why I put myself in this position this time. By Blunt Your underlined words above is the reason that I previously said: “Do not walk but RUN to get all the help that you can to get yourself stronger” What other help have you gotten other than here on this forum? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Has your behavior towards your husband changed in ANY way? Has your appearance, habits, spirit changed at all? If you can truly say no I'd be worried. You're a very cold one! If your answer is yes...the only thing that was worse for me was the fact my gut was SCREAMING at me but I didn't know why! Those affair months when I knew something was very, very wrong but I convinced myself it was all my fault were excruciating! Honestly. If anything changed it has been very little. I'm the way I've always been. I don't know why you would say that I'm cold because we feel/felt differently through the A!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 By Life lessons You're right. He doesn't deserve a reason. Yes I am terribly damaged. I realize that. As stated previously, I'm normally not weak. I have men flirt with me almost daily and have never done something like this. I really don't know why I put myself in this position this time. By Blunt Your underlined words above is the reason that I previously said: “Do not walk but RUN to get all the help that you can to get yourself stronger” What other help have you gotten other than here on this forum? None! This is the only place! Link to post Share on other sites
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