Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 This man that you are sleeping with on the side, are you his only friend with benefits? And, if you say yes, do you honestly think that a man who knowingly has an affair with a married woman is trustworthy enough to believe him? I do believe so. Anytime I message him he responds within minutes and we message throughout the day until midnight or so. So if there are other women then he's messaging me when he's with them. Which is fine either way. I don't care what he does. I'm just so ready to get past this. Like I said. It's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Yes he pursued me for months and spent hours talking but I was the one that kissed him...I want to be honest so yes, I made the move to kiss him first. As far as sex. I guess I kinda made that happen as well. I made it happen because I did want it to happen because I felt we had the ea there. This all probably looks so much worse but I'm so tired of lying. I agree with the rest. I do realize this is no stringed attached. That's always been the intention. Well then, you own the responsibility for the affair - although, he was definitely complacent in the decision. He certainly didn't discourage you, did he? You need to ask yourself why your husband and child were not enough? The lack of reasoning and conscious thought in your decision making is pretty startling. Counselling! You really need to find a good counsellor... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 This man that you are sleeping with on the side, are you his only friend with benefits? And, if you say yes, do you honestly think that a man who knowingly has an affair with a married woman is trustworthy enough to believe him? This is actually a great question for multiple reasons 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) So if there are other women then he's messaging me when he's with them. Which is fine either way. I don't care what he does. I'm just so ready to get past this. Like I said. It's hard. Hey, I haven't walked in your shoes so I don't really know what it's like. But, I have to believe that it's not really that hard. You just have to have the strength of character to commit to a better decision. Edited February 20, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Soon? Why not now? Exactly. NOW is the time. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I do believe so. Anytime I message him he responds within minutes and we message throughout the day until midnight or so. So if there are other women then he's messaging me when he's with them. Which is fine either way. I don't care what he does. I'm just so ready to get past this. Like I said. It's hard. You've been unresponsive to my questions so far but I'll ask one more. Why is this so hard? I know in my wife's case she had a hard time ending it because she felt like sh#t around anyone except him. She felt like a fruad and like she had to hide. He knew so with him she felt decent about herself but then even worse after. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 You've been unresponsive to my questions so far but I'll ask one more. Why is this so hard? I know in my wife's case she had a hard time ending it because she felt like sh#t around anyone except him. She felt like a fruad and like she had to hide. He knew so with him she felt decent about herself but then even worse after. My apologies. I'm not intentionally being unresponsive. I'm trying to go through and answer all the posts. I really don't know why it's so hard. Maybe because I know I'll have future contact with him. No way around it. And maybe because I liked the way it made me feel.. it really shouldn't be hard because a few hours with him a week truly isn't worth my marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I have read some of it and will finish the rest. Thank you! And I don't quite understand why you state the second part!? Why would he want me so deep in this affair? I really think he knows that I will not leave my H. Since you were a woman who appeared to be of good character, strong, proud, not willing to put her life style at risk by having a sexual affair... The Player just patiently worked on you for a while to get past all of your usual defenses. They are experts at seeing a woman who is more vulnerable to being enticed into an affair than she realizes. It is not so much getting you Deep into an affair. It more of a case of someone patiently pursuing a challenge/prize. He was able to get you into repeated PA encounters....He is having fun at seeing just how far and how much he can get away with... This type of an affair can cause far more damage to your relationship with you and your husband than you realize. Often, much to their surprise, a wayward will loose sexual interest and desire in their loyal spouse. Many times, it gets to the point that they are repulsed at the very touch of their spouse. The greatest cost is with the loss of trust and honesty. When/if your husband finds out about this....you will get an opportunity to see just how much damage and pain it can do to your husband. At this point, with what has already transpired, your original marriage relationship with your husband is dead and gone. All that currently remains is a zombie relationship. If you want a true living relationship with your husband, you will need to create a new relationship with your husband with who you currently are. Which requires you to be transparent and honest. Or, your relationship will be a fraudulent relationship that is built on lies and deception. Every moment you spend investing your time and energy into the other man is stealing from the marriage relationship you have with your husband. It is creating distance and differences between you and your husband that will be extremely difficult and painful to overcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Life lessons, Here are the steps: 1) Sit your husband down and confess everything, schedule STD tests. 2) Quit your job. 3) Promise and then become fully transparent with your husband. 4) Wait, for your husband to decide, if he will divorce you or give you a second chance. You are so horribly compromised, and as the instigator of the affair, you will have to make a huge effort to try and keep your marriage. What is more important? Your job or your marriage? Time to make some tough decisions, and the sooner the better. Everyday in the affair, makes the chance of keeping your marriage diminish. The was not a drunken ONS, but you set out to have sex with the AP because you wanted to. You need to face this, and not make excuses for yourself. I do think, if your husband is willing, that you may be able to reconcile, but it will be hard work, and the hurt and pain that he will know will be immense. There will be no way around this. If you do not confess, sooner or later he will find out, and that will be much worse. TAKE control of your life. Make a good decision. I wish you luck....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 When I was going through Drivers Ed as a teenager I remember they made us watch these shows about car wrecks. You would watch the car driving along the highway and know exactly what was going to happen. I feel like reading your post is doing nearly the same thing. The best thing you can do is start reading everything you can get your hands on regarding affairs, limerence, divorce, children of affairs, children of divorce, addiction, etc. I would also recommend that you read through the infidelity section specifically Deadsoul, ConinLA and then head on over to the Other Woman/Other Man board to see what your future holds- feel free to read through my post, MidnightBlue1980, Grey Cloud and so many other stories of people who are going through exactly what you are right now. Your emotions are not special, your feelings are not new- guess what I have lived it. You may not be ‘in love’ with this OM yet but it sure sounds like you are in the throes of what is called limerence and you are quickly becoming addicted to this relationship. The further you let this proceed the more you will hurt your marriage, your family, and yourself. You will begin to rewrite your marriage history and make your husband the bad guy- you will start telling yourself you are not IN LOVE with your husband anymore and then questioning if there was ever a time that you were. You will start pulling away from your marriage and thinking you will be happier divorced. You spend so much time thinking about the OM you will not have anything mentally or emotionally left for your child and darn sure nothing available for your husband. If you think “this won’t happen to me” then you may be past the point of ending this affair but if you read story after story you will see the same pattern over and over. It sounds like you are in a position now where you may be able to pull yourself out of this before you completely ruin your life but you MUST stop yourself and start really reading and really really asking yourself if this is what you want your future to look like. I would recommend reading this- I bet a lot of it will ring true. https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/an-affair-is-it-love-or-infatuation 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 The Player just patiently worked on you for a while to get past all of your usual defences. They are experts at seeing a woman who is more vulnerable to being enticed into an affair. He is having fun at seeing just how far and how much he can get away with... I do actually believe this. He's even been so skilled as to pretty much convince you that it was your idea... because you kissed him first and you initiated sex. The fact that you say you initiated sex because "you felt it was time" is baffling to me. What you have with this man is not a relationship, but it is a relationship... You text all the time, you progressed to a physical relationship in a very natural way... Again, the lack of thought when making all these little decisions along this journey just baffles me. But, the thing is, a man with any kind of integrity would have said "you are a married woman. We shouldn't do this." In much the same way, that you should have said "I have a husband and a child, I shouldn't do this." I'm rooting for you, I really am. I think you are now considering this situation from a different perspective. I hope you make the right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) My brothers wife did this to him. He flew out to America to stay with me & my husband. No-one knew she was in an affair at that point. My brother was just destroyed. My husband went through that with him. His wife kept calling & begging him to return home so he did. When we received the phone call that my big brother, my only sibling had taken his own life I went into shock. I can't start to explain what that does to a family but even if I could it wouldn't be worth it. My husband was wonderful. He seemed truly empathic. He cried, genuinely cried when he spoke at my brothers funeral. He watched my Mum completely break down. He held together my family. He had strong judgements about my sister in law & her horrific behavior that shattered my brother. You don't need to hear about how broken my family is. You may show some fake compassion but the thrill, excitement & ego boost means far more to you. I know this is true because it never stopped my husband ripping my world apart. After everything that we went through he did the same thing to me! One day I'd love someone like you to explain it to me. How do you do this to someone you claim to love? I'll never get-it. Nothing has shattered me more than my husband's betrayal. When your world falls apart you turn to family. I truly hope that your husband can. I can't because my brother is dead because of an 'excited' woman like you. I can't lean on my parents because they're too fragile. They love my husband. It would kill them to know he cried at my brothers funeral while he spoke hollow words...turned around & made their daughter pray for death. Anyway, enough about me. Enjoy your fun! Have great sex! I hope it's worth it. Edited February 20, 2017 by ShatteredLady 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 If it's hard to end the affair because you will see him at work, then you need to find another job. It's simply, one of the consequences of your poor judgment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Once she is truly ready to quit she will. Right now she is simply looking to alleviate some of her guilt....It will go away once she talks to OM. Until then her words are empty and devoid of any action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Your story is a bit unclear, you meet up with this guy several times or a week? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Let try another image and see if this helps your resolve. Imagine the face of your husband if and when he finds out about your sexual affair and through his tears he ask you why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Let try another image and see if this helps your resolve. Imagine the face of your husband if and when he finds out about your sexual affair and through his tears he ask you why? Or your child, when they ask why their parents are no longer together? Are you going to say, "Well... You know, there was this guy, and I didn't really love him, but... it just kind of happened." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 When I was going through Drivers Ed as a teenager I remember they made us watch these shows about car wrecks. You would watch the car driving along the highway and know exactly what was going to happen. I feel like reading your post is doing nearly the same thing. The best thing you can do is start reading everything you can get your hands on regarding affairs, limerence, divorce, children of affairs, children of divorce, addiction, etc. I would also recommend that you read through the infidelity section specifically Deadsoul, ConinLA and then head on over to the Other Woman/Other Man board to see what your future holds- feel free to read through my post, MidnightBlue1980, Grey Cloud and so many other stories of people who are going through exactly what you are right now. Your emotions are not special, your feelings are not new- guess what I have lived it. You may not be ‘in love’ with this OM yet but it sure sounds like you are in the throes of what is called limerence and you are quickly becoming addicted to this relationship. The further you let this proceed the more you will hurt your marriage, your family, and yourself. You will begin to rewrite your marriage history and make your husband the bad guy- you will start telling yourself you are not IN LOVE with your husband anymore and then questioning if there was ever a time that you were. You will start pulling away from your marriage and thinking you will be happier divorced. You spend so much time thinking about the OM you will not have anything mentally or emotionally left for your child and darn sure nothing available for your husband. If you think “this won’t happen to me” then you may be past the point of ending this affair but if you read story after story you will see the same pattern over and over. It sounds like you are in a position now where you may be able to pull yourself out of this before you completely ruin your life but you MUST stop yourself and start really reading and really really asking yourself if this is what you want your future to look like. I would recommend reading this- I bet a lot of it will ring true. https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/an-affair-is-it-love-or-infatuation I am going to pull myself out of this. I have too!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 I do actually believe this. He's even been so skilled as to pretty much convince you that it was your idea... because you kissed him first and you initiated sex. The fact that you say you initiated sex because "you felt it was time" is baffling to me. What you have with this man is not a relationship, but it is a relationship... You text all the time, you progressed to a physical relationship in a very natural way... Again, the lack of thought when making all these little decisions along this journey just baffles me. But, the thing is, a man with any kind of integrity would have said "you are a married woman. We shouldn't do this." In much the same way, that you should have said "I have a husband and a child, I shouldn't do this." I'm rooting for you, I really am. I think you are now considering this situation from a different perspective. I hope you make the right decision. Yes! It's baffling to me as well. I definitely am! Thanks so much for all the help and insight you've offered. I will definitely update here and take you all through this journey..well if you all want to read because I'll vent and out my thoughts here. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I am going to pull myself out of this. I have too!! Then take some action, tell your husband, find another job do something other then make excuses about it being hard. Remember, being honest and taking action isn't going to cause the repercussions, having sex with another man did that....Put on your big girl pants and do something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 My brothers wife did this to him. He flew out to America to stay with me & my husband. No-one knew she was in an affair at that point. My brother was just destroyed. My husband went through that with him. His wife kept calling & begging him to return home so he did. When we received the phone call that my big brother, my only sibling had taken his own life I went into shock. I can't start to explain what that does to a family but even if I could it wouldn't be worth it. My husband was wonderful. He seemed truly empathic. He cried, genuinely cried when he spoke at my brothers funeral. He watched my Mum completely break down. He held together my family. He had strong judgements about my sister in law & her horrific behavior that shattered my brother. You don't need to hear about how broken my family is. You may show some fake compassion but the thrill, excitement & ego boost means far more to you. I know this is true because it never stopped my husband ripping my world apart. After everything that we went through he did the same thing to me! One day I'd love someone like you to explain it to me. How do you do this to someone you claim to love? I'll never get-it. Nothing has shattered me more than my husband's betrayal. When your world falls apart you turn to family. I truly hope that your husband can. I can't because my brother is dead because of an 'excited' woman like you. I can't lean on my parents because they're too fragile. They love my husband. It would kill them to know he cried at my brothers funeral while he spoke hollow words...turned around & made their daughter pray for death. Anyway, enough about me. Enjoy your fun! Have great sex! I hope it's worth it. I am so so sorry. When in situations such as this ine doesn't often think of things such as this going wrong. Which I know can happen and does happen. It's like a spiral effect. Again, I am so sorry for everything you've went through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 If it's hard to end the affair because you will see him at work, then you need to find another job. It's simply, one of the consequences of your poor judgment. I can't!! I'm hoping I can steer clear of him when he's there. I will try my best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Once she is truly ready to quit she will. Right now she is simply looking to alleviate some of her guilt....It will go away once she talks to OM. Until then her words are empty and devoid of any action. I'm ready to quit. To stop this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Your story is a bit unclear, you meet up with this guy several times or a week? Several times over the course of months. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You say your husband is a good man. Do you know what happens when a good man breaks? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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