MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[drifter777]

Hi Drifter, I am sorry if I have offended you in any way.

 

It's not personal to me at all.

 

My only point here was that often people, whether knowingly or not have very harsh things to say to a poster who has come on here for help. In the state of mind that they already are in, I would think that would be the last straw for them and they would withdraw into a shell and disappear from the forum. I guess that would not achieve anything positive either for the person advising him/her or the poster asking for advice.

 

Yes, we can be harsh. We, the betrayed, want to give people the real truth about infidelity though our eyes. As I said, to us it's about offering advice/feedback that is real, honest, and intended to educate. We are as tough on BS as we are on WS in the sense that our bull$hit detectors are well honed and we give people a cold slap when they are caving in to the emotions of the moment.

 

Clearly, your point is much different than mine. I say that the harsh advice/feedback - all of it - is valuable. If OP splits then they weren't going to work on resolution anyway. Quite possibly what they heard here - no matter how harsh - will resonate with them if they ever decide to face reality and deal with the issue.

Edited February 23, 2017 by drifter777

[harrybrown]

the NC is hard, because your OM and the A are like a drug.

 

And you are like a drug addict.

 

You need someone to help you be accountable to keep up the NC.

 

Maybe you and someone like deadsoul, could help each other to avoid further contact.

 

However, you do need someone in your life to help you with NC. It could get easier with time, but you will get sucked back in if you are not careful and committed.

 

If you can't get help, then let your H go. Tell him you do not love him anymore and that you want a D.

 

Good luck to your H.

[GoldenR]

Golden I am sorry about your personal situation and whatever I had to say was not directed towards you personally. I can understand where you are coming from. My point about LL confessing to her husband is not that she should not but that she should first prepare herself for the consequences mentally. Right now she is at sea and needs to gather herself and prepare for the kind of pain she is going to inflict on her husband. You are right when you say she should confess to him but give her a little time to get a grip on herself. After that she should not delay any further. Just as deadsoul confessed to her husband after she had got a grip on herself and realized that she could not continue to live with him and keep this terrible secret buried inside her I am sure LL will also come to that realization on her own. Maybe I am wrong but the fact remains that LL will finally do what she wants to do and not what you or I want her to do if that is not her mindset. I hope I have clarified what my thought process was when I wrote my post above. Warm wishes to both of you.

 

 

 

All good....I take nothing here personally. And while I get your point, I really do, to be in a BS shoes, specifically, my shoes, and find out that the last 15 months of your marriage has been a lie....you tend to have a different perspective about waywards, and the steps you think they should take immediately.

 

But again, we're good, brother. No worries.

[Cephalopod]

Yes. I'll have a place to go if that happens. I'm not worried about that in the least right now.

 

Well, you need to come up with a plan.

 

You should probably see a lawyer and find out what you can expect if he finds out and decides to divorce you. This would entail finding out how much in spousal support you will get, which one of you will be paying alimony (if alimony is mandatory in your state), the divvying up of assets, and what you can expect in regards to child custody arrangements. The lawyer can also give you a breakdown of his/her fees and how much the divorce will be costing you.

 

You might also want to start setting aside some money in a stash somewhere so you will have enough for a lawyer retainer.

 

You will also need to come up with a believable story to tell your family and friends when it is exposed. You need to think about how you will explain it to your children, and start thinking about what kind of counseling is available for them once they learn the family is being dissolved.

 

Might as well start getting all your ducks in a row.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Cephalopod

[Life lessons]

the NC is hard, because your OM and the A are like a drug.

 

And you are like a drug addict.

 

You need someone to help you be accountable to keep up the NC.

 

Maybe you and someone like deadsoul, could help each other to avoid further contact.

 

However, you do need someone in your life to help you with NC. It could get easier with time, but you will get sucked back in if you are not careful and committed.

 

If you can't get help, then let your H go. Tell him you do not love him anymore and that you want a D.

 

Good luck to your H.

 

I didn't realize NC would be this hard. I'm just trying to tell myself, because I do realize, it's not worth it. But yes, it's very hard! I know I can do it! I have to stay strong! No other option!

[Life lessons]

Well, you need to come up with a plan.

 

You should probably see a lawyer and find out what you can expect if he finds out and decides to divorce you. This would entail finding out how much in spousal support you will get, which one of you will be paying alimony (if alimony is mandatory in your state), the divvying up of assets, and what you can expect in regards to child custody arrangements. The lawyer can also give you a breakdown of his/her fees and how much the divorce will be costing you.

 

You might also want to start setting aside some money in a stash somewhere so you will have enough for a lawyer retainer.

 

You will also need to come up with a believable story to tell your family and friends when it is exposed. You need to think about how you will explain it to your children, and start thinking about what kind of counseling is available for them once they learn the family is being dissolved.

 

Might as well start getting all your ducks in a row.

 

I'm not worried about spousal support. I wouldn't accept it! Nor alimony! If we divorce then he can have everything because this is my mess up. I wouldn't make him suffer more.

[aliveagain]

I think you need to find a new job. Decide if the job or your marriage is more important, one is easier to replace then the other. The other man is your Kryptonite and you can't keep wanting something that will hurt you so badly.

[Try]

I didn't realize NC would be this hard. I'm just trying to tell myself, because I do realize, it's not worth it. But yes, it's very hard! I know I can do it! I have to stay strong! No other option!

It would be easier to maintain NC if your husband knew about the affair.

 

Here is something to think about. If you end the affair, go full NC with the affair partner, and then tell your husband about the affair without him even asking questions, he will be far more inclined to believe most of what you tell him, since if you wanted to lie you would not have told him at all. This will help him deal with regaining trust which is the hardest part in dealing with a spouse's affair. Also, with you telling him on your own and having ended it on your own, he will know that at the end of the day, you chose him over the other man (this is important).

 

If you read other threads in the infidelity section you will see that time and again it is easier for the cheated on spouse to deal with the affair, then it is to deal with the lying that was associated with the affair. Because of the belief that they are being lied to by the cheater, the cheated on spouse never fully believe the cheater's version of what happened and will never truly believe that they know the whole story. On the other hand, if you tell your husband about the affair prior to him even getting suspicious, he will have far more trust in what you tell him and in the belief that he knows the full extent of the affair. You telling him that it was only physical a few times, and that you never told the other man the 3 words, will be far more believable. If he gets even a hint about the affair prior to you telling him, it will make earning his trust far more difficult. Lack of regaining trust is the real marriage killer after an affair.

 

I had at first given you little chance at a happy marriage long term, but I like the change in your attitude since you first started posting. Continue in the path of doing the right thing. Tell your husband now. Once he even suspects something, you will lose this opportunity forever. Good luck and be well.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Try

[Life lessons]

It would be easier to maintain NC if your husband knew about the affair.

 

Here is something to think about. If you end the affair, go full NC with the affair partner, and then tell your husband about the affair without him even asking questions, he will be far more inclined to believe most of what you tell him, since if you wanted to lie you would not have told him at all. This will help him deal with regaining trust which is the hardest part in dealing with a spouse's affair. Also, with you telling him on your own and having ended it on your own, he will know that at the end of the day, you chose him over the other man (this is important).

 

If you read other threads in the infidelity section you will see that time and again it is easier for the cheated on spouse to deal with the affair, then it is to deal with the lying that was associated with the affair. Because of the belief that they are being lied to by the cheater, the cheated on spouse never fully believe the cheater's version of what happened and will never truly believe that they know the whole story. On the other hand, if you tell your husband about the affair prior to him even getting suspicious, he will have far more trust in what you tell him and in the belief that he knows the full extent of the affair. You telling him that it was only physical a few times, and that you never told the other man the 3 words, will be far more believable. If he gets even a hint about the affair prior to you telling him, it will make earning his trust far more difficult. Lack of regaining trust is the real marriage killer after an affair.

 

I had at first given you little chance at a happy marriage long term, but I like the change in your attitude since you first started posting. Continue in the path of doing the right thing. Tell your husband now. Once he even suspects something, you will lose this opportunity forever. Good luck and be well.

 

I have ended the A. I honestly don't think I will be able to tell my BH about the A. Many reasons that I won't get into. I never told the AP those 3 words. There were the typical I miss you's but never the I love you. I'm not going to lie, I think we both had feelings..possibly strong...but mine were not to the point of love! It may have become that if I continued with the A. But I highly doubt that because I can control my feelings pretty well and I don't think I would've let myself get to that point. I know many will say how could I control that when I couldn't control the A...but I'm quite certain I could've. I would've communicated less and such if I felt I was beginning to love the AP.

 

I do know it should not have taken posting on a mb to stop the A considering I know all about the NC method but it has opened my eyes to other things that I've not previously thought throughly about.

[Life lessons]

It's not personal to me at all.

 

 

 

Yes, we can be harsh. We, the betrayed, want to give people the real truth about infidelity though our eyes. As I said, to us it's about offering advice/feedback that is real, honest, and intended to educate. We are as tough on BS as we are on WS in the sense that our bull$hit detectors are well honed and we give people a cold slap when they are caving in to the emotions of the moment.

 

Clearly, your point is much different than mine. I say that the harsh advice/feedback - all of it - is valuable. If OP splits then they weren't going to work on resolution anyway. Quite possibly what they heard here - no matter how harsh - will resonate with them if they ever decide to face reality and deal with the issue.

 

I agree that the harsh feedback is invaluable! I may not agree with all of it but it does help and is also an eye opener. I know some posters have stated some awful things about me and I also know I deserve that! I do know I am a liar and a deceitful, heartless person for doing what I have done! I appreciate all the advice....harsh or not!

[GoldenR]

I have ended the A. I honestly don't think I will be able to tell my BH about the A. Many reasons that I won't get into.

 

Unless the reason is that he will beat you, there is no good reason.

[DKT3]

If your goal is to "JUST" stay married then not informing the husband is the way to go. If your goal is to have a real marriage that can grow and mature as you age then that requires openness, it requires a very intimate honesty that just can't happen while holding this secret. Holding this will only widen the wedge in your marriage.

 

Being honest, the odds are very high your husband will leave you if you confess or he finds out. Very good chance. It's a risk, the risk isn't in telling the risk was in doing what you've done. Now you owe your husband honesty, you owe him a chance to make the decision, the same opportunity you had when you decided to betray him. That is love. We all make mistakes, we all hurt those we love, but when you love someone you want what's best for them. You are not looking at what's best for him, if you were it would be hard for you to even consider holding the information, you wouldn't consider Tricking him into staying married based on the idea that he has a faithful trustworthy woman by his side who has his best interest. No, that isn't love. Love doesn't manipulate.

 

So the question is what kind of life do you want moving forward? A sham or one of substance.

Edited February 25, 2017 by DKT3

[Mr. Lucky]

I have ended the A. I honestly don't think I will be able to tell my BH about the A. Many reasons that I won't get into. I never told the AP those 3 words. There were the typical I miss you's but never the I love you. I'm not going to lie, I think we both had feelings..possibly strong...but mine were not to the point of love! It may have become that if I continued with the A. But I highly doubt that because I can control my feelings pretty well and I don't think I would've let myself get to that point. I know many will say how could I control that when I couldn't control the A...but I'm quite certain I could've. I would've communicated less and such if I felt I was beginning to love the AP.

 

That's the same kind of "me first" self-serving mindset that validates an affair in the first place. Continuing to prioritize your needs above both your H and your marriage just saves your skin. If you want to save your soul, you'll have to dig deeper and make harder choices.

 

Doesn't sound like you're ready...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi LL, read what I just wrote on Confused's thread. I think it would hold true for you too. If you don't want to confess to your BH then do the charitable thing and divorce him. Do not hold on to the farce of a marriage. It is something like what is exemplified in a saying in the vernacular where I live. It goes something like this " A rope may be burnt to a cinder but if not disturbed the twists in the strands still remain as if the rope was good as new". Your marriage on the outside will have it's strands in place looking good as new but the marriage itself will be like the burnt out rope reduced to a cinder.

 

 

Just think about it. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

I'm not worried about spousal support. I wouldn't accept it! Nor alimony! If we divorce then he can have everything because this is my mess up. I wouldn't make him suffer more.

 

Actually when the divorce is underway all this generous thinking will go out the window and your lawyer will talk you into skinning your husband alive.

 

Be honest and just be prepared to ask for your 50%.

[MIKEB1950]

you know you have been married 10 years. Some or most of it was probably very good; however looking back and saying any of it was good cannot determine your withholding the affair from your BH. believe me it will come out others know what you did and it is always better that it comes from you especially if it comes in full. No admitting bits and pieces, full unadulterated [odd word in this context] admission dates times activity because if it is not full and not from you BH will never ever believe he knows everything.

 

sure you can say nothing and spring a divorce on him - is that really fair - he does not want 90% of assets he was happy because he had 100% [or thought he had] of his wife and child body and soul.

 

Go away together and make this a confession for the future of each other and your child and re vow to make better decisions - loving someone is a daily decision - you made some wrong un's.

 

you know your BH better than anyone else you will know how he might react so you should not be surprised. There is nothing i can say about how he will respond because we all handle these things differently when i found out i stuck with it and suffered horribly, still do but i have children and grandchildren who have made all the suffering worthwhile - would i change what i have NO! do i wish she had not had A - of course

 

I really hope you give your BH some belated respect and appreciation and let him have the information to make a decision and then work together to make that decision work be it together or separately for the benefit of child first then each of you.

[Life lessons]

Update- still NC with the OM. He has sent several emails and left several voicemails on my office line wanting to know why I've done this. He has said blaming him makes it easier for me to end the A. I'm not sure what that means but he's not giving up easily and that does make things more difficult for me but when times have came to where I want to respond, I think about my H and know I can't go back down that road. And yes I still feel like I could be pulled into it and that's why I let all my calls go to voicemail. Inconvienant but worth it.

 

I've been to one IC session and go back next week. I have decided as of now not to tell my H. I am dealing with this and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know most of you think I need to be honest with my BH but I can't do that.

[whichwayisup]

Update- still NC with the OM. He has sent several emails and left several voicemails on my office line wanting to know why I've done this. He has said blaming him makes it easier for me to end the A. I'm not sure what that means but he's not giving up easily and that does make things more difficult for me but when times have came to where I want to respond, I think about my H and know I can't go back down that road. And yes I still feel like I could be pulled into it and that's why I let all my calls go to voicemail. Inconvienant but worth it.

 

I've been to one IC session and go back next week. I have decided as of now not to tell my H. I am dealing with this and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know most of you think I need to be honest with my BH but I can't do that.

 

This OM is desperate and you not coming clean and admitting your truth of having an affair to your husband might blow up in your face. The OM may very well TELL your husband everything. Are you prepared for that? I don't mean to scare you but it is a possibility. People do 'things' when emotional and pushed past their limit.

[DKT3]

You're not really no contact, you're still getting feed by his continued contact....

[Life lessons]

This OM is desperate and you not coming clean and admitting your truth of having an affair to your husband might blow up in your face. The OM may very well TELL your husband everything. Are you prepared for that? I don't mean to scare you but it is a possibility. People do 'things' when emotional and pushed past their limit.

 

I'm confident that he would not tell.

[harrybrown]

He has already bragged at his office that he has had sex with you. And to his buddies. And to at least one of the people that you work with. Someone has noticed the long conversations.

 

You said he has nothing to lose. He is single. He likes having several ladies at his beck and call. Glad that you used protection.

 

It is hard to go NC. You need something to help you go NC. A friend, your IC, someone to help you avoid further temptation. i know you do not want to use your H to help you. It is hard because it is a like a drug.

 

If you want to be successful, you will need some help.

 

I hope you get it. It may already be too late.

 

You H has noticed the wall that is built up between you. And he may have put something on your phone to monitor the communication.

 

I do hope you are successful in stopping the A. You would not want your H to have one like you did.

 

I do wish your family good times.

 

you built a wall to keep your secrets, and you can't share things with your H.

 

You have to have the wall of safety so you build a distance between you and your H. He has noticed the distance and the change in you.

 

Good luck to your child, you and your H. I do hope you can keep the OM completely out of your life. Do not keep the gifts he has given you or the clothes that you wore special for him.

[BluesPower]

Update- still NC with the OM. He has sent several emails and left several voicemails on my office line wanting to know why I've done this. He has said blaming him makes it easier for me to end the A. I'm not sure what that means but he's not giving up easily and that does make things more difficult for me but when times have came to where I want to respond, I think about my H and know I can't go back down that road. And yes I still feel like I could be pulled into it and that's why I let all my calls go to voicemail. Inconvienant but worth it.

 

I've been to one IC session and go back next week. I have decided as of now not to tell my H. I am dealing with this and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know most of you think I need to be honest with my BH but I can't do that.

 

Honestly, if you don't quit your job, I really think the affair will continue. It is so hard to stop an affair when you work together.

 

You realize that he just wants to get laid. You are at least one or two or three women that he is sleeping with?

 

Think about finding a new job, then you will be completely away from him.

[deadsoul]

Update- still NC with the OM. He has sent several emails and left several voicemails on my office line wanting to know why I've done this. He has said blaming him makes it easier for me to end the A. I'm not sure what that means but he's not giving up easily and that does make things more difficult for me but when times have came to where I want to respond, I think about my H and know I can't go back down that road. And yes I still feel like I could be pulled into it and that's why I let all my calls go to voicemail. Inconvienant but worth it.

 

I've been to one IC session and go back next week. I have decided as of now not to tell my H. I am dealing with this and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know most of you think I need to be honest with my BH but I can't do that.

 

I'm so glad you are still NC... I do think you may need to consider another job and block him from your email and if there's a way to block him from your office line, do that too.

 

The only way to truly break free is to have 100% no contact. I didn't at the time, but I consider myself lucky I never heard from OM again.

 

I respect your decision on the not confessing... keep up with the counseling. I'm doing all that too. Again, keep your focus on total NC and I'm glad you recognize you can get pulled into it again. I kinda thought since we hadn't heard from you that maybe you had, so I'm glad you haven't.

[GoldenR]

I'm not sure why I'm posting here again, being that you never once acknowledged me, more than likely bc I wasn't one of the ones coddling you, labeling you as a victim and a target of OM.

 

I just read the entire thread again, and even if you stay NC, I see you straying again eventually. Why? Because there have been zero consequences for you; you got away with it. You got to experience the excitement of an A and it consumed you, and you loved it. Until you didn't. So you end it. And it's all good, right? No one is hurt,right? And then a few years down the road, another guy comes along and you tell yourself, "It all worked out before. I can control it.". Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

And now it's over, and you're back to plan B, your H. And yes, he is exactly that, your Plan B. All of those months, you chose your AP over your H. You did. I know waywards love to say they never chose their AP over their spouses, but they all do it. There is no choosing AP alongside your H. They're just isn't. Would your H be ok with being one of two (or more) men that you're having sex with? No, he wouldn't. So you see, you choosing to have the affair IS choosing the AP over your H. You sure as heck didn't choose your H over your AP, bc then it wouldn't have happened and you wouldn't be here.

 

You say you'd divorce your H if he cheated on you. But you don't want to give him the choice to decide if he still wants to be with you after you betrayed him in the worst way? Because, you know, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? Smh....there are no words.

 

I'll leave you with this....he will find out. Eventually. They always do. And the more time that passes, the bigger the disconnect will be between you. You're only chance of staying together forever is to tell him. Additionally, if he's the good man you say he is, he deserves to know.

Edited March 17, 2017 by GoldenR

[BluesPower]

Gus, should we be cajoling the OP, she knows what she has done, she knows how serious, she is trying NC, should we bang on her to tell her husband?

 

know it is the right thing to do, overall, but if she knows he will divorce her, isn't it her choice to tell or not?

 

I mean, she knows him more that us, and if he is a not cheating type of guy, would she be better off if she kept quiet?

 

I am not saying it is right, but maybe it is ok? I am asking?

 

If she stops the affair and she knows it was so wrong, why push it?