MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Life lessons]

yes...the letter is really a tool for the couple...you are correct. You do what you think is best....but if you continue to block him...he will eventually get the message. I just fear if you contact him...he may manipulate you...and right now you are vulnerable. One reason I believe confession is good is because we not only have to be accountable to ourselves...but to our spouse. Even to this day...I tell my husband everything....not because he requires it...but because i want to.

 

My goodness...John and I misunderstood your thread title...and I apologize. I guess you have been MARRIED 10 years? I am so sorry i got that wrong.....

 

You are not alone....there are many of us who have walked similar paths. The one thing all betrayed and most waywards want...is that the infidelity never happened in the first place....

 

I hope he is getting that message! I'm thinking it's the lack of information I've provided him through this and he wants to know why I've suddenly had a change of heart. I now realize I don't owe him an explanation, I was only thinking maybe me giving him that explanation would help him to understand why I've chosen to end the A and then in return he'd stop calling me.

 

It's okay, but yes, I've been married a little over than 10 years. I couldn't imagine pulling myself out of a 10 year affair. That would be difficult..I can only imagine. I few months is difficult enough!

 

Yes, I do wish the infidelity hadn't of happened. I don't even know the person I turned into.

[Life lessons]

Breaking contact will just lead to more I'm affraid. Phone calls can be tricky. You'll probably just end up engaging which is not a position you want to put yourself in.

 

If he persists a letter maybe a better idea. I'd mention if you persist I'll have no choice but to turn the matter over to HR as harrassment. No one wants that kind of problem if they have good sense.

 

Good luck

 

You're probably right! He may think I'm leading him on. I've blocked him on everything with the exception of my office line. Unfortunately there's no way of blocking his number there. He has left several messages but I've returned no calls. He's basically wanting to know what's going on and why I'm doing this to him. That's why I thought maybe one last letter letting him know that I'm done with him completely would stop those few phone calls. I'm hoping it'll all cease soon so that I won't have to take further action.

[GoldenR]

I've read so many posts from individuals claiming they could never and would never cheat! Guess what!? I use to say the same exact thing! I just knew I would never cheat! I talked so poorly of those types of individuals. Indeed, I now know to never say never. Unless you're in that situation, you really don't know what you will do. Anyone's capable of cheating! I know many will say not them, but again, you are capable and it could very well happen to you. I didn't think I was that type of person but Now I know I am.

 

Disagree.

 

The reason I've never been in that situation is because I don't allow myself to get into that situation. If I think a female I work with (or know in any way) is starting to get the slightest hint of a crush on me, I distance myself from them. And that's the reason why ppl like me will never be in that situation, because we don't allow ourselves to get there. Not because the circumstances have never been right. Not because the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

[Life lessons]

Disagree.

 

The reason I've never been in that situation is because I don't allow myself to get into that situation. If I think a female I work with (or know in any way) is starting to get the slightest hint of a crush on me, I distance myself from them. And that's the reason why ppl like me will never be in that situation, because we don't allow ourselves to get there. Not because the circumstances have never been right. Not because the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

 

I understand' I've said the same thing. I, too, have been in many situations where I've pulled myself out but for whatever reason, I didn't this time. I'm not saying everyone will, I'm only saying don't say that you never will because I too said that and it happened. I still don't understand the reasons. Obviously it was a weak moment(s) but Im still asking myself why!

[Life lessons]

Dead soul, what was your husbands response when you told him you couldn't make that promise! Was he upset or was he understanding? I could definitely understand how he would've been upset but the alcoholic comparison must've helped it make a bit more sense as to why you couldn't make that promise!?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I hope he is getting that message! I'm thinking it's the lack of information I've provided him through this and he wants to know why I've suddenly had a change of heart. I now realize I don't owe him an explanation, I was only thinking maybe me giving him that explanation would help him to understand why I've chosen to end the A and then in return he'd stop calling me.

 

It's okay, but yes, I've been married a little over than 10 years. I couldn't imagine pulling myself out of a 10 year affair. That would be difficult..I can only imagine. I few months is difficult enough!

 

Yes, I do wish the infidelity hadn't of happened. I don't even know the person I turned into.

 

Most of us would say the same thing...we do not recognize who we allowed ourselves to become...or why

 

The important thing is to get help to understand who we are...and to never allow that "person" to come back again.

 

I will reiterate...that this is easier when we have the help of our betrayed spouses. I cannot imagine living with the secret....i know i hurt him terribly...but he holds me accountable....and i hold myself accountable.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Disagree.

 

The reason I've never been in that situation is because I don't allow myself to get into that situation. If I think a female I work with (or know in any way) is starting to get the slightest hint of a crush on me, I distance myself from them. And that's the reason why ppl like me will never be in that situation, because we don't allow ourselves to get there. Not because the circumstances have never been right. Not because the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

 

You do understand that i said the same things you just said here....and so have many others who have gone on to cheat.

 

I am not criticizing you in any way....I just want you to understand that very few people...not all certainly...but many never had the intention of cheating. It is very easy to move a boundary....a little bit at a time. You validate it in your mind....you convince yourself there's no harm....its just innocent.

 

I read on these forums that cheating takes the right frame of mind....in the right opportunity...at the right time.

[understand50]

I understand' I've said the same thing. I, too, have been in many situations where I've pulled myself out but for whatever reason, I didn't this time. I'm not saying everyone will, I'm only saying don't say that you never will because I too said that and it happened. I still don't understand the reasons. Obviously it was a weak moment(s) but Im still asking myself why!

 

Life Lessons,

 

Keep in mind the letter or communication, is for your help. in others words to let your AP know that it is over and he should not contact you. Normally, I would agree with most here, and say do not contact, but in your case, as your husband does not know, what is the goal here? To break out of the affair, and not to have blow back on yourself. Rule, are good, but need to be done to fit the situation.

 

I do not know your AP. Most here think them the lowest of the low, but I assume that in real life they run the gamut to just wanting an NSA lay, to someone who may have developed feelings for you. Not every AP is a CAD, and may be try the white night thing. As a thought, experiment, if I was your AP, and developed feeling for you, you sudden "cut" off would only make me try harder, and If I really had feeling for you, I would honer you request to stay away from you. I am not saying this is so, but he could think something wrong and want to "help". Point is, him not having information may hurt you later. A short message, "please leave me along its over", may be what really ends this for YOU. I assume you are strong enough at this time, not to fall in sex every time you see him. Again, you know your AP better then us, from his personalty what do you think he is thinking? Can you formulate what would stop him from contacting, and in sense make him a ally in all this? He could just be a player, but I think player moves on fast when sex stops to the next married woman. In this battle, you need to use all resources to arrive at your goal.

 

Now, as in all advise on LS, take it for what its worth, and weigh if it will help you. IF you just think about this, and consider it, I have been helpful. Again, we only know a little, you have full knowledge of your life and situation. Your main goal is how to I end this, and keep NOC as a end result, how you get there is going to be your own story, and will never fit the story line or how to list.

 

I wish you luck......

[Life lessons]

You do understand that i said the same things you just said here....and so have many others who have gone on to cheat.

 

I am not criticizing you in any way....I just want you to understand that very few people...not all certainly...but many never had the intention of cheating. It is very easy to move a boundary....a little bit at a time. You validate it in your mind....you convince yourself there's no harm....its just innocent.

 

I read on these forums that cheating takes the right frame of mind....in the right opportunity...at the right time.

 

Absolutely! Most cheaters, not all, but most think the same thing and could never imagine cheating. Like you said, little by little, it is easy to move boundaries.

[Life lessons]

Most of us would say the same thing...we do not recognize who we allowed ourselves to become...or why

 

The important thing is to get help to understand who we are...and to never allow that "person" to come back again.

 

I will reiterate...that this is easier when we have the help of our betrayed spouses. I cannot imagine living with the secret....i know i hurt him terribly...but he holds me accountable....and i hold myself accountable.

 

So after all these years do you still not understand why you choice to take that path? I hope to soon understand why I was so weak to this man.

Edited March 19, 2017 by Life lessons

[Mrs. John Adams]

So after all these years do you still not understand why you choice to take that path? I hope I hope to soon understand why I was so weak to this man.

 

I don't think we ever really know WHY...

 

but the bottom line is of course because we wanted to..no one forced us...we made the choice of our own free will. We became selfish narcissistic ego maniacs....kind of like trump....lol

 

We allowed ourselves to matter more than anyone else. Us first....and we did not care who suffered because of it.

 

You ultimately have to understand what you have done....the pain you have caused....right now just look at what you have done to you....imagine then...what it will do to your husband should he ever find out....and the longer you wait to tell him...the more chances are he will find out from someone else. Please really think about this....

[DKT3]

When WS holds the information it's only in small part to protect the BS, we all know we're that true the affair would have never happened​. I mean you go off and do things with the AP then come home kiss your spouse on the mouth and say I love you...Were you protecting those things simply wouldn't happen.

 

No just take mostly about not​ changing how the WS is viewed by the betrayed spouse, not wanting to be held accountable or face the consequences of those actions. In all reality it's as unfair as the affair itself. It creates an imbalance in the marriage, and shows the WS is one who places Thier wants needs and desires above those of the other family members.

 

The not hurt the spouse is a continuation of the lying disloyal delusional thinking that got them into the affair in the first place....No growth same person, just not sleeping with anyone, at the moment. But will soon

[Life lessons]

I don't think we ever really know WHY...

 

but the bottom line is of course because we wanted to..no one forced us...we made the choice of our own free will. We became selfish narcissistic ego maniacs....kind of like trump....lol

 

We allowed ourselves to matter more than anyone else. Us first....and we did not care who suffered because of it.

 

You ultimately have to understand what you have done....the pain you have caused....right now just look at what you have done to you....imagine then...what it will do to your husband should he ever find out....and the longer you wait to tell him...the more chances are he will find out from someone else. Please really think about this....

 

Understandable! I was hoping I would figure out what led me to give in to this particular man. I'm sure you understand, as a female, we get hit on and flirted with constantly and I've always been good at rejecting those men. I knew I was physically attracted to this particular man and I guess at that point I should've known to limit the contact instead of talking with him for hours at a time. I just never imagined it would've came down to this.

 

You're right, very selfish indeed. I thought of no one but myself. I do hope he never finds out. It would break him. Yes I knew this before I done it but in all honesty, my mind obviously wasn't on my husband when I committed this deplorable act.

[Life lessons]

When WS holds the information it's only in small part to protect the BS, we all know we're that true the affair would have never happened​. I mean you go off and do things with the AP then come home kiss your spouse on the mouth and say I love you...Were you protecting those things simply wouldn't happen.

 

No just take mostly about not​ changing how the WS is viewed by the betrayed spouse, not wanting to be held accountable or face the consequences of those actions. In all reality it's as unfair as the affair itself. It creates an imbalance in the marriage, and shows the WS is one who places Thier wants needs and desires above those of the other family members.

 

The not hurt the spouse is a continuation of the lying disloyal delusional thinking that got them into the affair in the first place....No growth same person, just not sleeping with anyone, at the moment. But will soon

 

 

I'm not placing my wants, needs or desires first in not telling. I'm taking all that into consideration in my decision not to tell. It would tear my family apart. It would break my husbands heart into a million pieces. I am thinking about my family. I can't break my family like that! I know it was my decision and mistake and I will have to live with that but putting all of that hurt on them would only cause them unimaginable pain.

 

I can understand why some are saying they think I will stray again because there were no consequences but I strongly disagree. Believe me, I've learned my lesson. I would never do something like that again.

[DKT3]

Understandable! I was hoping I would figure out what led me to give in to this particular man. I'm sure you understand, as a female, we get hit on and flirted with constantly and I've always been good at rejecting those men. I knew I was physically attracted to this particular man and I guess at that point I should've known to limit the contact instead of talking with him for hours at a time. I just never imagined it would've came down to this.

 

You're right, very selfish indeed. I thought of no one but myself. I do hope he never finds out. It would break him. Yes I knew this before I done it but in all honesty, my mind obviously wasn't on my husband when I committed this deplorable act.

 

And it's not now. Your concern is how iit will impact you. Caring would mean allowing him to make the best decision for him armed with all the information.

[aliveagain]

I hope your O/M is not one of the crazy ones that would tell your husband about your relationship in hopes of breaking you up, wouldn't be the first time we've seen that scenario played out here. You can't control what he will do as he becomes angrier about being dumped.

[Imajerk17]

I'm not placing my wants, needs or desires first in not telling. I'm taking all that into consideration in my decision not to tell. It would tear my family apart. It would break my husbands heart into a million pieces. I am thinking about my family. I can't break my family like that! I know it was my decision and mistake and I will have to live with that but putting all of that hurt on them would only cause them unimaginable pain.

 

I can understand why some are saying they think I will stray again because there were no consequences but I strongly disagree. Believe me, I've learned my lesson. I would never do something like that again.

 

The time for you to have been thinking this, Life lessons, was BEFORE you went ahead and did your affair.

 

By not telling now, you are living a lie.

[understand50]

 

You're right, very selfish indeed. I thought of no one but myself. I do hope he never finds out. It would break him. Yes I knew this before I done it but in all honesty, my mind obviously wasn't on my husband when I committed this deplorable act.

 

Life Lessons,

 

My wife, then G/F, said the same thing. She wrote me off when she decide to have sex with her ONS. IT only takes a minute, and a minute later you may regret it, but at that moment, your loved one did not matter, only you mattered, and what you wanted. In my wife case, she did plan for a while, and accepted a bet from her room mates, that she could bed the "hot" guy, so there was pear pressure. Does not lesson, that main fact of what she did.

 

I think the phase, "cought up in the moment" applies. What you also have to comes to terms with is that this was not a one time slip, but went on for 3 months. I think it would help you to go back in your mind to your first time with the AP. What were you thinking, as you prepared to have sex with him. When you know it was going to happen? Was this planned, or just "happened"? You do not have to write it down for us, but knowing how, this happened can lead to why it happened, and you know how to stop it from happening again. I think this would apply to Deadsoul as well.

 

In the end, it will come down to "I wanted to, and I could". Hope this helps,

 

I wish you luck....

[DKT3]

I'm not placing my wants, needs or desires first in not telling. I'm taking all that into consideration in my decision not to tell. It would tear my family apart. It would break my husbands heart into a million pieces. I am thinking about my family. I can't break my family like that! I know it was my decision and mistake and I will have to live with that but putting all of that hurt on them would only cause them unimaginable pain.

 

I can understand why some are saying they think I will stray again because there were no consequences but I strongly disagree. Believe me, I've learned my lesson. I would never do something like that again.

 

No, not because of a lack of consequences, but a lack of change in your very selfish mindset. It's selfish to hold your husband hostage worst part is you know that is exactly what your doing.... I sense you know he won't accept it and would bail...Time to start getting honest, breaking is heart is secondary, primary is protecting yourself​

[QuietDan]

His false image of you would probable be broken. His misplaced blind trust in you would be broken. His confidence in his ability to discern truth from lies. His belief in how much faith and trust he invested in you would be broken.

[QuietDan]

It would probably be a good thing if he was forced to emotionally distance himself in this relationship.

[deadsoul]

I don't think we ever really know WHY...

 

but the bottom line is of course because we wanted to..no one forced us...we made the choice of our own free will. We became selfish narcissistic ego maniacs....kind of like trump....lol

 

We allowed ourselves to matter more than anyone else. Us first....and we did not care who suffered because of it.

 

You ultimately have to understand what you have done....the pain you have caused....right now just look at what you have done to you....imagine then...what it will do to your husband should he ever find out....and the longer you wait to tell him...the more chances are he will find out from someone else. Please really think about this....

 

I feel like I need to know the why so I don't do this ever again.

[deadsoul]

No, not because of a lack of consequences, but a lack of change in your very selfish mindset. It's selfish to hold your husband hostage worst part is you know that is exactly what your doing.... I sense you know he won't accept it and would bail...Time to start getting honest, breaking is heart is secondary, primary is protecting yourself​

 

There are so many consequences in not telling. Believe me, I know. I get that people are going to judge you, but I know the hell I was in when I carried it all on my own.

 

And to be honest? If the BH had done this? I wouldn't want to know. Because it would be over for me. (Ironic, eh?)

[DKT3]

There are so many consequences in not telling. Believe me, I know. I get that people are going to judge you, but I know the hell I was in when I carried it all on my own.

 

And to be honest? If the BH had done this? I wouldn't want to know. Because it would be over for me. (Ironic, eh?)

 

Maybe, but not telling means you don't have to face the ultimate consequences which is giving up control and having some clueless fool misplace value.

[deadsoul]

Dead soul, what was your husbands response when you told him you couldn't make that promise! Was he upset or was he understanding? I could definitely understand how he would've been upset but the alcoholic comparison must've helped it make a bit more sense as to why you couldn't make that promise!?

 

He doesn't like that I won't promise. But I told him words mean nothing at this point. Only my actions.