MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[deadsoul]

Ending the A is difficult. OP has done this. She has made the decision not to tell. Maybe it's not the right decision for you or me, but it's the right one for her. Maybe she will change her mind and confess, maybe she won't. She didn't originally come here asking whether or not she should confess. She came because she had a situation she needed to talk about. She ended that situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is let's respect her decision, whether or not we agree with it. Everything happens in stages. I understand the stage she is in right now and there is a lot to get through with breaking the addiction. If you think I'm coddling OP, I'm okay with that. I just know what I went through during this period so I guess I'm trying to say in a nice way to back off. If she ends up asking us about confessing, then we give our two cents, right?

[QuietDan]

You say that you respect your husband.

But, your actions say otherwise.

There seems to be a bit of a disconnect here.

So maybe it's a bit of a mixed bag thing.

There are somethings about your husband that you like and respect and there are somethings that you don't like and respect.

You put what you like and respect on one of the scale, you put what you don't like and respect on the other side.

At the moment, it appears what you don't like and don't respect seems to be a lot more important than what you do like and respect.

Perhaps you are embarrasses or ashamed to admit to yourself that the things that you like and respect about your affair partner have more value to you than what you like and respect about your husband.

What are some of the things you say about your affair that is driving you to have the affair.

It is exciting? So the other man is exciting, interesting, a bit naughty and dangerous, probable very selfish.

Does that mean you think your husband is? Boring, predictable, safe, not adventurous? Classic nice guy. You respect what your husband can give and provide. However, you seem to find him too weak and boring. You have no respect for him as a "Man". It sounds like you have a-lot of desire and respect for the other "Man". Your actions indicate that at least for a while, you weighed, measured, and found your husband lacking, wanting, not enough for you. So, you, found someone who could provide the things that really truly matter the most to you.

Maybe the issue is that your husband is not able to sexually satisfy you. The other man is bigger, last longer, is more creative, take command with sex, treats you like a slut, and you find yourself liking that? Your husband, boring, not creative, too small, doesn't last long, probable too sensitive and only good at making love with you, which you find boring and not satisfying?

The other man, "Best Sex Ever!!!"

Husband.... well... not so much....never will be.... not going to happen.... at least you can work on your shopping list in your mind when you are with your husband....

Does that mean your husband is getting the best most creative adventurous side of your sexual nature? Or, does he get to enjoy having sex with someone who is bored to tears and thinking about laundry, shopping, T.V., how fat he is getting, he has too much hair on his back, did he not shower before, how boring and predictable, why doesn't he try anything new?

Oh yah... I busted his balls on trying that with me a few years ago until he gave up asking... who would have thought that I would have enjoyed it so much... I like it better when the other man touches me the other way... the other man has better technique, I never realized just how clumsy my husband is at that, did my husband just fart, hubby is too small, I can't hardly feel anything with hubby anymore, I never realized just how small he was... I always get an orgasm with the other man... I feel so much more with the other man... is hubby done yet....or... hubby is done? he just started! was that even 10 seconds???...Or...is it... just stop kissing me and get done with it already....I'm tired, I need to get to sleep, I have to get up early tomorrow... finally... have you finished yet.... are you done yet... is it over... can I get to sleep now? I feel so guilty feeling like that... I wish I didn't feel like that with my husband... I hate being intimate with husband, it make me feel so guilty...

[Poutrew]

I have read all 19 pages of this post. Wow,,, just wow. I am an older guy, in my 50's. I have never married, and yes, sometimes I have thought of how content and fulfilled I'd have been if I had found a nice gal who loved me, settled down and had a few kids and raised a family. By now, I'd be a grandpa... but I have to say that the thought of getting a female like you makes me glad I never took the plunge. Things are going pretty good for you. You aren't going to ever get caught. Your husband is blissfully unaware that the woman whom he is married to, the woman whom he has devoted his life to, has destroyed him. From his point of view, his entire existence with you is a lie. A fabrication. A fiction that you are now devoting yourself to perpetuating. If you are successful, your hubs will die an Old Man never knowing the horrible depth to which his loving wife has deceived him. He will never get to decide for himself to either take you back, or put you to the curb.

 

I hope someone who knows about your activities does tell him. I hope he finds out not because I wish you ill, but so your husband can recover his manhood from the steel claws you have ensnared it in, because what you are doing to him now is even worse than having the affair that started it all off... the poor sap has no idea how badly you are emasculating him.

[understand50]

Ending the A is difficult. OP has done this. She has made the decision not to tell. Maybe it's not the right decision for you or me, but it's the right one for her. Maybe she will change her mind and confess, maybe she won't. She didn't originally come here asking whether or not she should confess. She came because she had a situation she needed to talk about. She ended that situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is let's respect her decision, whether or not we agree with it. Everything happens in stages. I understand the stage she is in right now and there is a lot to get through with breaking the addiction. If you think I'm coddling OP, I'm okay with that. I just know what I went through during this period so I guess I'm trying to say in a nice way to back off. If she ends up asking us about confessing, then we give our two cents, right?

 

 

Well,

 

I do think she does need to come clean to her husband in the end, but let's acknowledge this first big step.

 

Life lessons,

 

Keep NC, and work to break yourself out of this. When or if you confess, or your husband finds out, you being able to show that you took these actions will be best. Working on yourself to not let it happen again will also be a big plus. I will not be one of those who think you have gone down the path of never being to redeem yourself, you can stop this, and not fall into this in the future. Just keep in mind that in the end, you will need to come clean in some way and at some time. How and why this will be done, can wait. Keep in mind what you are working towards, and what you may lose if you slip up again. Worries on what the AP will do, or if you husband will find out, should be pushed back in your mind. Concentrate on the here and now and staying faithful. Baby steps.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Imajerk17]

I do love him and could never see myself growing old with anyone else. I do respect him but I can't tell him about the A.

 

But, the one thing you (and the other wayward spouses) miss, OP, is that love is a VERB, not just a FEELING. It's something that you DO--by your decisions and actions and what you decide not to do. By deciding to step out on your husband as you did, you were choosing your AP over your husband and your marriage. You decided not to love your husband--which would have been walking away from a bad situation out of respect for him and your marriage to him--when you decided to participate in the affair (and yes, having sex was a DECISION on your part).

 

I am still not sure that you get how seriously you messed up, and how much of a big problem you have on your hands right now.

Edited March 18, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Life lessons]

Do you not see the irony in this? Had you not chosen AP over husband then your affair would have never happened....Thing about married people in affairs is it takes a great deal of delusion to conduct. I don't mean this personally, because I don't know you but your writing comes off as extremely delusional and full of excuses. This is why other see if our as continuing the affair down the road and/or saying you've learned nothing....It's because you've not been honest with yourself

 

Yes, I do see why it is being said that I chose the AP, although I'm standing behind what I said....I did not!! I knew from the start that I didn't want a life with my AP. Yes, I made the choice to have the A, and I'm still struggling to figure out the reasons why. As I've said, I'm typically a strong person and have had opportunities on numerous occasions and turned them down. I still don't understand why This particular guy was different. Why I wasn't strong enough when it came to him. God knows I regret it and wish I could turn the time back but unfortunately I've f@&$ed up royally.

[Life lessons]

So if someone tells your husband, you would continue the lie?

 

 

In all honesty, yes I would! I may decide to tell my H but as of right now I don't think I will.

 

How does this compute?? How do you see lies, betrayal and respect being connected? I would say they are mutually exclusive, can you explain this?

 

I understand your statement. I can't explain it! All I can say is what I feel and that is that I do respect and love my husband.

[Life lessons]

What about leaving that job to have NC so there is no chance

of the affair ever restarting?[/quote

 

As previously states, I don't think the OM will be back to my office. Even if he does come by, I have moved locations within the building so that I will not have to have communication with him. I can't see this being an issue in the future.

[Life lessons]

[quote=Try;72592

 

. Since no matter how careful you are, you know that there is always some risk of being caught and your husband divorcing you, your decision to have the affair anyway, is you showing that you were willing to take the risk of losing your husband if it means you can have the opportunity to be with your affair partner. It may not be straight up even odds, but in risking your marriage you did pick being with your affair partner over more certainly being with your husband long term.

 

BTW, although my father was just as certain as you are now that his affair partner ("AP") would never betray him by telling my mom about the affair, when push came to shove, when he tried to end the affair, my dad's AP spilled her guts to my mom in a deliberate effort to push my mom to divorce my dad so that my dad would come back to the AP.

 

Absolutely not!! I have never and would never want to have a committed relationship with the AP! Friends maybe...if I were single but never a relationship!

 

I am certain the AP will not expose the A. You all keep saying he has nothing to lose, but in reality he does.

[Life lessons]

There is evidence. Did you not email this AP? Did you text him? That's evidence.

 

You got to stop lying to yourself..liars never prosper for long

 

Emails show nothing. Not even a known email address any longer. So therefore, the emails could've been from anyone. There's nothing specific in them. No texting either.

[Life lessons]

The amount of respect you have for your spouse dictates the manner in which you treat them, would you agree with that statement? They say that the only way to monitor the health of your relationship is through effective communication, what does lying to your husband for the rest of your life say about who you are and the health of your marriage? Is there any occasion that you believe warrants someone being vilified for wanting to avoid the drama of a confession?

 

I agree with that statement. I know lying for the rest of my life says a lot about the person that I am. And the real kicker here is that I can't stand a liar. Yet I've become one and I guess I'll always be one. I am truly a broken individual! I know this! There are specific occasions/reasons that I can indeed think of that does warrant the truth not being told! Not to mention the fact that I don't want to put my husband through the hurt.

[Life lessons]

What? No desire? Did you lose it before the affair? Or, was your loss of desire for your husband and unexpected price that you are paying as an unexpected cost of the affair? One of those nasty little unexpected consequences?

 

There is and always has been desire for my H. I'm sorry I didn't address that as well. Nothing has changed other than me having the A. I don't act differently, never dressed differently, etc. although I know it's bad to say, but I kept the A separated completely from my home life. Nothing was ever suspected simply because my behavior never changed.

[Life lessons]

You say that you respect your husband.

But, your actions say otherwise.

There seems to be a bit of a disconnect here.

So maybe it's a bit of a mixed bag thing.

There are somethings about your husband that you like and respect and there are somethings that you don't like and respect.

You put what you like and respect on one of the scale, you put what you don't like and respect on the other side.

At the moment, it appears what you don't like and don't respect seems to be a lot more important than what you do like and respect.

Perhaps you are embarrasses or ashamed to admit to yourself that the things that you like and respect about your affair partner have more value to you than what you like and respect about your husband.

What are some of the things you say about your affair that is driving you to have the affair.

It is exciting? So the other man is exciting, interesting, a bit naughty and dangerous, probable very selfish.

Does that mean you think your husband is? Boring, predictable, safe, not adventurous? Classic nice guy. You respect what your husband can give and provide. However, you seem to find him too weak and boring. You have no respect for him as a "Man". It sounds like you have a-lot of desire and respect for the other "Man". Your actions indicate that at least for a while, you weighed, measured, and found your husband lacking, wanting, not enough for you. So, you, found someone who could provide the things that really truly matter the most to you.

Maybe the issue is that your husband is not able to sexually satisfy you. The other man is bigger, last longer, is more creative, take command with sex, treats you like a slut, and you find yourself liking that? Your husband, boring, not creative, too small, doesn't last long, probable too sensitive and only good at making love with you, which you find boring and not satisfying?

The other man, "Best Sex Ever!!!"

Husband.... well... not so much....never will be.... not going to happen.... at least you can work on your shopping list in your mind when you are with your husband....

Does that mean your husband is getting the best most creative adventurous side of your sexual nature? Or, does he get to enjoy having sex with someone who is bored to tears and thinking about laundry, shopping, T.V., how fat he is getting, he has too much hair on his back, did he not shower before, how boring and predictable, why doesn't he try anything new?

Oh yah... I busted his balls on trying that with me a few years ago until he gave up asking... who would have thought that I would have enjoyed it so much... I like it better when the other man touches me the other way... the other man has better technique, I never realized just how clumsy my husband is at that, did my husband just fart, hubby is too small, I can't hardly feel anything with hubby anymore, I never realized just how small he was... I always get an orgasm with the other man... I feel so much more with the other man... is hubby done yet....or... hubby is done? he just started! was that even 10 seconds???...Or...is it... just stop kissing me and get done with it already....I'm tired, I need to get to sleep, I have to get up early tomorrow... finally... have you finished yet.... are you done yet... is it over... can I get to sleep now? I feel so guilty feeling like that... I wish I didn't feel like that with my husband... I hate being intimate with husband, it make me feel so guilty...

 

All I can say is wow! You obviously do not know me! I can say that you did get at least one observation correct and that was the excitement of it all.

 

All the other observations in regards to sex with my H are way off. My husband and I have and always have had a great sex life. We're both active in that department. Yes, it gets boring at times but when this happens, we try new things. I definitely didn't get into the A because of my husbands and my sex life. Hell, I didn't intend to get into the A at all. And no, I don't feel guilt when I'm intimate with my husband. Maybe I should but I don't. In all honesty I try to not think about my AP any longer. The OM and I didn't have wild sex either. The few times we had sex, It was just regular sex.....nothing special! Yes, there was excitement and a thrill... but there was never anything special about it. We definitely did nothing that I wouldn't and haven't done with my H. I can also say that he was not better than my H. It was just the excitement that I received from it. I know that doesn't make anything better but I wanted to put that out there.

[harrybrown]

if it is okay for you to have fun, how about your H?

 

Do you want to open up your marriage?

 

Should he be allowed the same as you?

[whichwayisup]

I agree with that statement. I know lying for the rest of my life says a lot about the person that I am. And the real kicker here is that I can't stand a liar. Yet I've become one and I guess I'll always be one. I am truly a broken individual! I know this! There are specific occasions/reasons that I can indeed think of that does warrant the truth not being told! Not to mention the fact that I don't want to put my husband through the hurt.

 

Since you know you're broken, I hope you get counseling and fix 'you'. Become the woman and wife you're meant to be. I do wish you'd tell your husband but it's your life. Just OWN your choices if/when he finds out the truth some day. It might blow up in your face and if that happens, don't deny it or hide the truth from him.

[Life lessons]

if it is okay for you to have fun, how about your H?

 

Do you want to open up your marriage?

 

Should he be allowed the same as you?

 

I wouldn't like it nor would I like an open marriage option but I'd consider it if that's what he wants. I'll only now consider it because of the way I've messed up. In all honesty, he should get a pass, but that's not what I want.

[Life lessons]

Since you know you're broken, I hope you get counseling and fix 'you'. Become the woman and wife you're meant to be. I do wish you'd tell your husband but it's your life. Just OWN your choices if/when he finds out the truth some day. It might blow up in your face and if that happens, don't deny it or hide the truth from him.

 

Thank you! I am in IC now! The first session was pretty basic but it did help a little...I think getting it out there person to person is what helped the most. It's a huge secret to carry! My only hope is that it continues to help a little each session.

[Quiet Storms]

I wouldn't like it nor would I like an open marriage option but I'd consider it if that's what he wants. I'll only now consider it because of the way I've messed up. In all honesty, he should get a pass, but that's not what I want.

 

Maybe he SHOULD get a pass, but I hope you don't go down that road. That just ends up never working, believe me.

[road]

What about leaving that job to have NC so there is no chance

of the affair ever restarting?[/quote

 

As previously states, I don't think the OM will be back to my office. Even if he does come by, I have moved locations within the building so that I will not have to have communication with him. I can't see this being an issue in the future.

 

So you guarantee that you and the OM will never

Go in or out the main entrance at the same time, or

You and the OM cars will never get parked near each other, or

You will never pass the OM in the hall, or

Be in the break room at the same time, or

Enter the cafeteria at the same time, or

Caught on the same elevator, escalator, staircase, or

Whatever.

[Mrs. John Adams]

 

So you guarantee that you and the OM will never

Go in or out the main entrance at the same time, or

You and the OM cars will never get parked near each other, or

You will never pass the OM in the hall, or

Be in the break room at the same time, or

Enter the cafeteria at the same time, or

Caught on the same elevator, escalator, staircase, or

Whatever.

 

You always preach that folks should just up and leave their jobs and move locations so they never encounter affair partners again.

 

You do realize that not everyone has the option of changing jobs and houses...or cities...or states or countries....to make sure they never ever again see the affair partner.

 

 

I certainly agree with you that absolutely no contact of any kind is the best way to overcome an affair...but it is sometimes not an available option.

 

I continued to attend the college where my affair partner was on staff....and i avoided him completely. I never saw him...I never spoke to him...there was no contact of any kind.

 

Did it torment my betrayed husband....i am sure it did....and as i look back on it...I wish i had just quit school. But attending school is very different from working and providing for my family.

 

My husband had a revenge affair two years after my affair...with a student he attended night college with.....

He did not quit attending school after it ended either.

 

It is not as cut and dried as we would like it to be....life goes on....and we certainly do not live in perfect worlds that allow us to just quite our jobs and relocate.

 

My husband and i...did many things "wrong"....but we are 33 years into reconciliation.....and life is pretty damn good regardless of those mistakes.

 

You do the best you can do....and i will remind you...that you still struggle in your reconciliation....30 years later...because your wife has trickle truthed you

 

yes...we all make mistakes...and no reconciliation is picture perfect...just like no relationship is picture perfect.

 

and your rules may be ideal....but they may not apply

[Quiet Storms]

Totally agree with you... but I think your post quote was supposed to be attributed to Road

[Marc878]

Well then, you own the responsibility for the affair - although, he was definitely complacent in the decision. He certainly didn't discourage you, did he?

 

You need to ask yourself why your husband and child were not enough? The lack of reasoning and conscious thought in your decision making is pretty startling.

 

Counselling! You really need to find a good counsellor...

 

Excuses don't matter much her OM was only taking what she was giving. Like most men he just wants the sex nothing more. OM doesn't want her to leave her H the sex is always more exiting with a married woman.

[Marc878]

OM had a good thing going and whether you admit it or not he considers you his property. I suspect he'll find a way to get in touch or drop by and see you at work.

 

Don't belay the addictive power of an affair. If he finds a way to come in contact and he may you will be temped.

 

I hope you don't find out the hard way how easy it is to be drug back in.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Totally agree with you... but I think your post quote was supposed to be attributed to Road

 

I quoted road....not sure why it came up the way it did

[Mrs. John Adams]

OM had a good thing going and whether you admit it or not he considers you his property. I suspect he'll find a way to get in touch or drop by and see you at work.

 

Don't belay the addictive power of an affair. If he finds a way to come in contact and he may you will be temped.

 

I hope you don't find out the hard way how easy it is to be drug back in.

 

You could be right....you could be wrong

 

You are trying to second guess and predict...and honestly...both could go either way

 

My om never tired to contact me again....i have not spoken to him him...seen him....looked him up...or cared...for 33 years

 

it happens....some waywards get it....and totally and completely sever all ties

 

and none of us can predict which waywards will follow through

 

the important thing to remember is...all waywards are not YOUR wayward

 

and if you do not have a wayward...then you are projecting what you have read

 

if LL....is indeed trying to reconcile...none of us knows her true feelings....only she does

 

and if she is lying...we have nothing to lose