My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[LexiCat29]

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Another update is directly above this post.

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It has been 4 weeks. He still doesn’t want to be with me, and won’t talk to me about it. He has done a couple of things recently that have really confused me about his intentions. I want to hope that he just needs time, but I’m not optimistic. I’m heartbroken, but the heartbreak I have for my son is even worse. A few nights ago, he said he didn’t want any Christmas presents he just wanted his dad back. My ex-fiancé wants to be in his life, but it should be all in or nothing. He said he wants to sit down and talk, but made it clear that it was only about my son not us.

 

I get it… it looks bad on him for being with me and his family would never approve, or understand. It makes him look bad for not knowing, though no one who wasn’t involved knew. It could potentially affect his life if it came out in the wrong way. He’s worked hard to be where he is. He shouldn’t waste that on me.

 

He said he doesn’t love me anymore and never loved me, only who he thought I was. I wish he would just let me try and explain, but it’s all excuses to him. I still want to be with him and marry him. He’s probably never coming back. He won’t hear me out. I sent him a long email, but I don’t think he even read it.

 

He’s a musician, he’s been serious about it for around 17 years. He has a YouTube channel that he’s been very successful with, he’s done collabs with some of the biggest YouTube musicians and done shows with them. He’s worked hard to get there. Recently he posted a new video, which was a re-recording of a song he wrote for me/about us a long time ago. It wasn’t one that he put days and days of work into. So, it’s not like he had made plans weeks ago to post it. The emotion was just different, though. Like it was a sad song rather than a happy one. With around 70K views the top comment said the same. Why would he post that? He already had a video for that song posted, he didn’t spend a lot of time working on it like he usually does. It was more “raw” I guess. He has a schedule of what he does written out ahead of time.

 

The day before posting that he texted me and said “Don’t let go” but wouldn’t respond and hasn’t said anything since. He won't respond to me at all.

 

How long am I supposed to have hope before trying to move on? Hoping for him to come back is killing me.

 

Him sending that text was cruel. Just goes to show you what kind of person he really is..you don't want to be with a person like that anyway.

[Gibrale]

I for one figured that this was the type of abuse that you suffered.

 

The fact that you are as far along as you are in your recovery in really a miracle.

 

As all your therapists have told you, none of the abuse was your fault, ever.

 

I know you are hurting over your F, but not even that is your fault. It does not make any of it better of course. I am not sure that he was ever a strong enough man to love you the way that you need to be loved.

 

One day, I think you will find a man that is strong enough, wise enough, and loving enough to love you will all his heart. He will be strong enough to protect you from people like your ex. And, he may be wise enough to see the real you and love that person with all his heart.

 

You hold your head high regardless of what happens with your xF in the future. The fact that you are as together of a young woman as you are is something that you should really be proud of.

 

God Bless you...

 

I don't think I'm as far along or together as I might appear. I'm not off selling myself on the street but I didn't walk away unscathed.

 

I have depression and anxiety that has been a lot worse lately. It would be so much easier to just shut down and quit. If I didn't have my son I probably would. The feelings of being worthless, unlovable, having nothing to offer keep creeping back. It's incredibly difficult to shut those feelings and thoughts out and not do something stupid.

 

I used sleep aids for years, otherwise I'd lay awake all night unable to sleep. Even though I weaned off of them I've been reaching for them nearly every night lately. One bad thing happens and everything so quickly reverts.

 

I still have to remind myself that sex isn't an obligation and it should be enjoyed. I have to remind myself not to feel gross when my ex-fiance would touch me and to stay present during sex. It took a long time and a lot of work with my therapist to stop the dissociation feelings. In the end, it didn't matter how hard I worked at it he still didn't want to be with me.

 

I can't even really get what I'm feeling out onto paper (screen?). All these feelings and thoughts are just jumbled in my head.

 

I was told over and over that it wasn't my fault but that a therapists job. To make you feel better so you keep coming back and giving them money to make you feel better again. If they said it was all my fault I probably wouldn't have stuck around. Who knows what they really thought. I "choose" to do it so that makes it my fault. I didn't tell anyone or say no into the camera so that makes it my fault.

 

I don't think there is anyone out there who would want to be with me if they knew everything. I wouldn't pick me. Why take the f*cked up girl if you can have a nice normal one instead. Especially since I'm supposed to tell someone before they even love me, otherwise I conned/manipulated them into loving me.

 

You said ... "The day before posting that he texted me and said “Don’t let go” ".

 

I agree, don't let go, not yet anyways. He still has a lot to process.

 

Is he aware of this thread? Has he read it? Perhaps he should. It might ... might ... help him to process his feelings.

 

Don't let go, not yet anyways.

 

I feel like the only hope I have at having a relationship is with him. You'd only stick around for this if you loved someone, and he did. Or did, I guess, so apparently he never knew me. If he isn't okay with it no one would be. Strangers don't opt for the messed up version.

 

As far as I know, he doesn't know I wrote this thread. To be honest I don't want him to read it. There are opinions that I don't want him seeing. He'll see how some people think of me and won't be able to get that out of his head. And apparently I'm a hooker.

 

None of it changes the fact that, for your own reasons, you consented to group sex, allowed it to be filmed, and concealed that past from someone you were going to marry.

 

I don't know if it was the intention or not, but this whole post makes me feel like completely sh*t and upset. I've read it over and over and I just cannot get my thoughts out clearly.

 

I was scared, terrified, to tell him. I didn't know how to tell him and have him understand rather than think of me the way so many people here have. I didn't want him to know, it was easier for me. I want to forget it all, not have to constantly be reminded of it or talk about it. I'd rather pretend that history doesn't exist. The rest of my life shouldn't be controlled by my past.

 

No one would listen to this from someone they just met and didn't love, and stick around. It's a death sentence. And I don't want that many people knowing my business... The one person (other than therapists) that I told everything to used and abused that information. It was extremely hard telling him, I can't do it again. It keeps controlling me.

 

For 3 years, more like 5, he didn't know and we were okay. It was easier, having him not know. The extent of his knowledge was that my dad was abusive and my ex was controlling. What he filled in the gaps with, I don't know. He never asked. He never tiptoed around me and didn't let me throw a pity party. I needed that.

 

I wasn't trying to hurt him, or betray him, or ruin his life. Deciding whether or not I'm worthy of him isn't the same as the loss of control that I went through, and that's what it feels like you are comparing it to. Like what happened to me, I did just as bad to him. I never wanted to hurt him.

 

My abuse doesn't define who I am as a person. He knew me, he loved me. He didn't know my past but my past isn't who I am today. The person I am now and who I am with him, how I treat him, what I want in life, what I love, what I hate, he knew it all. Suddenly that all changes because he didn't know that someone decided to touch me as a child? He proved why I didn't tell him. Because even if someone loved me, they wouldn't stick around after knowing my past.

 

He was ready to say "till death do us part", what if this had happened after we were married? What if I were raped and it were filmed and splattered online? Is that still cause to dump someone?

 

Telling him, or anyone, would make it feel too real. I can't go back there. Even now, he doesn't know everything. What if he wanted to know it all? I can't handle telling him everything. Even just the "basic facts" of "My dad touched me daily until I was 8, then switched to oral until I was 11. My grandpa touched me every weekend until I was 16, when I was allowed to legally stop seeing him. My cousin touched me from 8-11, then raped me daily until I was 17. I can't even handle typing it here, or finishing it. How am I supposed to say something like that to someone when I can't even say it to myself.

 

I never heard anything good about sex. I went to a Catholic School, when I was allowed to go, and they taught us that if you have sex before you are married you aren't worthy of a good man and you won't find a husband. To me that translated as I'd forever be alone, maybe they were right. I had very few friends and my family never talked positively about sex.

 

When offered to take it or leave it, who would take that... and have good intentions about it. I can't tell person after person and have everyone walk away because of it. In the end, abusers always win.

 

Her best bet is to wait. Not forever, but for a while, to see if he comes around and misses her enough to want to be with her again.

 

According to a friend of mine, she saw my ex-fiance out tonight with another woman. So I guess that's where he stands. I don't even want to look at another guy and just 4 weeks later he can be out with someone else...

 

It seems to me like your ex-F wants to dictate how he will be involved in your son's life. Frankly, I would take advantage of that. If he can do that, then I think the door is open to you being heard.

 

I've thought about that but I don't know what is better/worse for my son. Having his "dad" totally walk away or still having his dad in his life but we aren't together and he'll get with someone else. I don't know if I can handle seeing him and not being with him, especially when he finds someone better.

 

 

According to a post that was just deleted I'm a prostitute and porn star that's basically going to die alone because no one would ever want to be with me, unless I date 'another' porn star. There is nothing special about me, I don't deserve someone great. So I either date bottom of the barrel, or not at all. In the end, abusers win and they were right. I worked so hard to get absolutely no where.

[HereNorThere]

I certainly don't see you as any of those things you describe. Anyone that can overcome that much adversity is an inspiration to me. A weaker person would have folded a long time ago and you didn't. I think that says a lot more about who you are than anything that happened to you in the past.

 

As far as therapists, there's no magical cure all to work out these issues. They can only only lead you to the truth, they can't force you to accept it. Please keep going and if this therapist isn't the right one, find the one that is. That person is out there and they can help you. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

 

Our personalities are a complicated mixture of biological, sociological, and psychological influences. At 18, the human brain still has another 5 to 7 years left before it's fully formed. Add that in with a horrible environment and you have a recipe for poor decision making. Yes, you may have "chosen" to make those choices, but did you really have the capacity to make the right choices?

 

The great thing about being human, especially your age over the last 10 years, is that you have literally changed. Your brain has developed, you left an abusive environment, experienced the love and joy of watching your child grow and you are not the same. It's not just words, psychobabble or lip service from a therapist, these are verifiable scientific facts. If you continue on your journey of self growth, things will only get better. That doesn't mean bad things won't happen to you, it means you'll have the coping mechanisms to deal with them when they do. Are you not allowed to grow like everyone else?

 

I also understand your dilemma about exposing your past to partner. I too carry a lot of shame for things I've "chosen" to do. I'm not sure the exact moment I chose to become addicted to opiates and wreck my life, spend all money, lose all friends and destroy my relationships but I certainly remember the day I chose to quit. You never forget a years long journey full of withdrawals, pain, sickness, depression, shame, guilt and everything that comes with it. The worst part about going through that hell, there's no one waiting at the end with a gold medal for you. There are no rewards for doing what you were supposed to do in the first place. Sure, I get the privilege of not waking up sick every day or just not waking up at all, but it's hard to see the bigger picture when you're going though it.

 

I've spent a few hours thinking about your "disclosure" problem when it comes to forming new relationships. Have you ever considered becoming an advocate, mentor or volunteer for victims? There would be two advantages: First, you could make genuine differences in others lives. It sounds like your experience could really help you relate with people in the same situation. The second advantage is that you can mention your volunteer work and why you became involved when meeting someone without the awkwardness. Even if it was just volunteering with online advocacy groups, it would make a great ice breaker. Who knows, you might even be able to meet someone that way.

 

Lastly (sorry for the text wall) we need to talk about your OPSEC (Operations Security.) You need to do what we refer to in my career field as going dark. You can't risk this happening again. Get off of Facebook, Instagram, etc. It's not worth it, I promise. You need to become a digital ghost. Don't stop until you can google yourself and find nothing. Research and figure out how. If he has no way of finding you online, he can't get in your business. Your real fiends can send you a text of their dinner if you miss social media that much.

 

Good luck and keep your head up. Quit watching his YouTube videos!

Edited December 16, 2016 by HereNorThere

[BetrayedH]

There's more I want to say than I can type on this little phone.

 

First, I'm not your therapist, not paid, and don't care if you come back. It wasn't your fault. Seriously. Your youth most certainly wasn't your fault and that completely set you up for failure as an 18 year old. Nothing illustrated that better than your own post.

 

Secondly, the message I would take from MJJean's post is that your ex-F didn't know you. I realize how difficult it would have been to share all of this with him but the end result from his perspective is that the relationship was inauthentic. I understand your motivations for hiding it all but that is simply not a good foundation for a lifelong partnership.

 

Lastly, you are simply flat wrong about finding a man that can absorb all of this trauma and still want to be with you. Look, the world is FULL of broken people. In my life, I hardly know any women that weren't either sexually abused or raped at some point in their life. It astounds and sickens me that so many of my gender do this crap but it's just undeniable how pervasive it is. There are many, many people (including men) that can sympathize and empathize with you and have no judgment of you for it whatsoever. As a man (and not a bad one at that, if I do say so myself), I wouldn't remotely consider this as a disqualifier. Would I want you to be honest with me? Absolutely. I wouldn't want any walls between us. And I'm quite aware that women come with all different kinds of warts. The ones I love, I love them warts and all. There's hardly any "normal" women out there and if they are normal, they're likely just hiding their brokenness. That's more of a dealbreaker for me. But refusing to date or marry you because you were victimized? Or made some bad choices because of that victimization? Nah.

 

Keep your chin up. I'm not happy with how your ex-fiance has handled this. I don't think he's representative of the good men out there. If he can't even be mature enough to listen to one conversation with the woman he was supposed to commit to for life, then I'm not sure he was really ready for what that commitment entails. I know you've had so few healthy relationships that you just want to cling to this one. But you can do better.

[dpass]

So what did you tell your xF about the reasoning behind your depression, anxiety, insomnia, sexual dysfunction and dissociative feelings? You say he knew YOU, but he didn't know the core of what makes you, YOU. Like it or not, our experiences shape who we are and who we become.

 

Your xF didn't know you. So he is right, he didn't love you, not all of you. He loved the little bits that anyone could know. Not the private, intimate details.

 

It's not that you're "f'd up", as you put it. It's that there is video evidence of it that can come back to bite you in the ass. Video evidence that doesn't look like it was forced or rape and was taken in exchange for drugs. Many, many men (and women) can handle dating and marrying someone who has been abused, raped, etc. My GF was raped and a victim of CSA. Does it affect our relationship? Yes, ABSOLUTELY. Was it a reason not to date her? No. But had I seen a video of her, yeah that would have been a deal breaker. Had she had sex for payment, no. These are things you need to be honest about, up front, if you want a healthy relationship.

 

You have been in 2 relationships. You cannot judge all men based on two. There are more options than taking advantage of you and leaving you. You can't cling on to this relationship simply because it's the only good one you've had. You can have another good relationship. Will it be hard? Yes, but it can be done. It's a matter of finding someone who doesn't care that you have videos out there and can handle your past and future.

 

If your xF is out with other women then it's time to let go. Maybe he'll realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but it's hard to work out your problems when he's screwing someone else. Right now he doesn't want to be with you. He texted you not to let go because he wants you to be his back up plan if he doesn't find someone else.

[Gibrale]

So what did you tell your xF about the reasoning behind your depression, anxiety, insomnia, sexual dysfunction and dissociative feelings? You say he knew YOU, but he didn't know the core of what makes you, YOU. Like it or not, our experiences shape who we are and who we become.

 

Your xF didn't know you. So he is right, he didn't love you, not all of you. He loved the little bits that anyone could know. Not the private, intimate details.

 

It's not that you're "f'd up", as you put it. It's that there is video evidence of it that can come back to bite you in the ass. Video evidence that doesn't look like it was forced or rape and was taken in exchange for drugs. Many, many men (and women) can handle dating and marrying someone who has been abused, raped, etc. My GF was raped and a victim of CSA. Does it affect our relationship? Yes, ABSOLUTELY. Was it a reason not to date her? No. But had I seen a video of her, yeah that would have been a deal breaker. Had she had sex for payment, no. These are things you need to be honest about, up front, if you want a healthy relationship.

 

You have been in 2 relationships. You cannot judge all men based on two. There are more options than taking advantage of you and leaving you. You can't cling on to this relationship simply because it's the only good one you've had. You can have another good relationship. Will it be hard? Yes, but it can be done. It's a matter of finding someone who doesn't care that you have videos out there and can handle your past and future.

 

If your xF is out with other women then it's time to let go. Maybe he'll realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but it's hard to work out your problems when he's screwing someone else. Right now he doesn't want to be with you. He texted you not to let go because he wants you to be his back up plan if he doesn't find someone else.

 

The only thing that I straight out lied to him about was my eating disorder. Everyone, including my ex-fiance assume it's a body image problem. It's not, I'd love to have more of a body shape and end the "you need a sandwich" comments. I've let everyone believe it and I go with it because I don't want to get into the real reason for it. I've hated eating for as long as I can remember. I've gotten to the point where I can eat enough to not kill myself and have an almost normal BMI, but the real reasoning behind it no one knows other than myself. Though if they knew the details of my life I'm sure they could easily figure it out.

 

Every other problem I have, he knew it was from my past and didn't ask any further questions. He knew my dad and ex were bad people. He just didn't know what to fill in the blanks with.

 

I would have loved it if he loved all of me, but he obviously wouldn't have. And that puts me right back where I was, thinking no one would. You're right. I prostituted myself and filmed it. It was filmed a dozen times and thinking back I know at least 2 guys had copies. One of those guys moved to the UK, and the other lives in my neighbourhood (which no, my fiance never knew). Realistically, probably every guy had a copy. They were probably shared and shared, on god knows what sites. Have god knows who seeing me naked and masturbating to it. It's been 10 years so they've probably faded out now but it just takes one person to resurface it. So I don't just have an ugly past, I'm a prostitute and porn star too. So I either find someone on the same level as me or not at all.

 

If my ex-fiance is out with someone else, I'll never compare. He'll never come back to me.

 

What's worse is that I let a child be born from this knowing he'd never have a real dad, then when I do find someone who wants to step in as his dad I screw it up.

[kgcolonel]

Okay, Gibrale, you said "I don't think I'm as far along or together as I might appear. I'm not off selling myself on the street but I didn't walk away unscathed. " that really confused / threw me....

 

Can you explain the "selling myself on the street"? Does this mean prostitution? I may be a little dense but as it relates to the picture I got that was being presented to the xF, this really surprises me if this is what you're saying.

 

Did you XBF lead you into this?

[BetrayedH]

Okay, Gibrale, you said "I don't think I'm as far along or together as I might appear. I'm not off selling myself on the street but I didn't walk away unscathed. " that really confused / threw me....

 

Can you explain the "selling myself on the street"? Does this mean prostitution? I may be a little dense but as it relates to the picture I got that was being presented to the xF, this really surprises me if this is what you're saying.

 

Did you XBF lead you into this?

 

She's saying that she's NOT unhealthy enough that she's doing anything like seeling herself on the street, but that she's not mentally all put together either.

[kgcolonel]

Thank you Betrayed....I was hoping it wasn't as i had read....

[Gibrale]

Okay, Gibrale, you said "I don't think I'm as far along or together as I might appear. I'm not off selling myself on the street but I didn't walk away unscathed. " that really confused / threw me....

 

Can you explain the "selling myself on the street"? Does this mean prostitution? I may be a little dense but as it relates to the picture I got that was being presented to the xF, this really surprises me if this is what you're saying.

 

Did you XBF lead you into this?

 

I meant... a lot of people in my situation don't get help or don't succeed with help, and go into prostitution, strippers, escorts, etc. So I'm not that "bad off" but I have issues from my abuse (depression, anxiety, eating disorder, sleep disturbances, sex issues).

 

I've never stood on the street corner selling my body. I did have sex with the sole purpose of getting drugs from the guy (for my ex-boyfriend), which I guess makes me a prostitute.

[eightytwenty]

I meant... a lot of people in my situation don't get help or don't succeed with help, and go into prostitution, strippers, escorts, etc. So I'm not that "bad off" but I have issues from my abuse (depression, anxiety, eating disorder, sleep disturbances, sex issues).

 

I've never stood on the street corner selling my body. I did have sex with the sole purpose of getting drugs from the guy (for my ex-boyfriend), which I guess makes me a prostitute.

 

 

Just know you have a lot to support here, even if you think you do.

 

 

I wouldn't worry about your son finding a Dad either, he deserves one yes, but both of you deserve to be loved. If anything I'm sure you're son would agree.

[BetrayedH]

So I either find someone on the same level as me or not at all.

 

Once again, you're just wrong about this. The poster who said you're not an objective observer here was right. You have had two relationships and there are somewhere around 3 billion men on this planet. I am one person that wouldn't judge you at all for having this in your past, and it's not because I'm into group sex or anything. I simply know that lots of people have drama in their past and that what's important is really how they have grown from it. You sound like quite a caring woman even after having been through all that you have. I think that's pretty cool. I wouldn't care about some 10 year old videos that might resurface. And if your ex-BF brought them around, I'd likely shove his laptop up his arse.

 

The thing I'm concerned about here is what lesson you'll take from all of this. My fear is that you're going to go to even greater lengths to hide your past, even though that obviously didn't work this time. If you screwed up anywhere, it was in being inauthentic with your fiance, who should be your partner for all things in life. What I hope you have learned is that you need to be more open about this (not with everyone but with the select people that you love), not be ashamed of it, and head off that ex-BF at the pass. Take away all of his ammunition and be honest with those you love.

[Noirek]

OP-

 

Keep working on yourself and focus on you and your son. Find things, postive things, to do for yourself and him. I wouldn't keep ex fiance in your life for your son or fear of being alone. You are not your abuse. You are who you are now. The reason you probably shouldn't let ex fiance in your son's life is because he is not legally his father. I'm not saying he couldn't become just like a father but he isn't even a step dad. So, when ex fiance meets someone knew she could very well not appreciate the relationahip and force its end. I've seen this more than once. It would be better for your son to lose him now than later. Just something to consider. Plus, when you meet someone new that could also get complicated.

 

And OP, when you meet the right guy for you, I know he will make you feel safe enough to open up about your past. Ex fiance and his jealousy over your history (not wanting to hear anything is a sign of insecurity) and even the fact he didn't want to know what happened to you to give you so heavy a burder shows he just was not the right fit for you.

 

Don't despair. But focus on being happy with your son. And continue being a loving mom. Thats all he needs.

[HereNorThere]

Wow, girl, you are pulling on my heart strings over here! I could write pages and pages pointing out the flaws of your rationale. This is why you need to get yourself into some serious therapy and support groups. Most of everything you have written can be easily explained by a simple concept - "Cognitive Distortion." Please take the time read this Wikipedia page and compare your thoughts to the list as there's too many to write about here.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

 

I'm going to piggyback BetrayedH and reaffirm what he is telling you. Look, the only normal people you know are people that you don't know that well. Every person, every family has their own set of issues they are dealing with. Betrayed is right when he tells you that there are PLENTY of people who will accept your past and not judge you for it. It may be hard to believe, but there's a lot of people who prefer to date someone with a past. How else is someone going to relate with my history if they have none of their own?

 

If your ex is 32 and has only slept with 4 people, I don't even know where to begin on that one. He said that he considers that to be a lot of people? Is he super religious or just bad at math? In my opinion, 4 people at 32 is about as close to a virgin as you could get these days. An inexperienced guy like that is naturally going to feel insecure dating a partner with more experience. Your number isn't even high by most standards, just higher than his.

 

I think the most important thing going forward is figuring out a way to explain this to someone in a way that doesn't freak them out. This current guy may be a little too inexperienced or insecure, but most are not. A little preventive disclosure at the beginning might have saved you a lot of trouble. I really think you need to talk to some therapists about it because we are not doctors, but speaking from my own experience, I would only freak out if I were blindsided by something like this. If you discussed it with me earlier in the relationship, something simple like "I was in an abusive relationship with my baby's father earlier in my life and did some things I'm not proud of. I'm haunted by the fear that he could seek revenge and destroy our relationship. He's done it before and there's always a chance he could do it again. I'm telling you this upfront because I want our relationship to start with a strong foundation. Although painful, I will answer any questions you have. However, I would rather leave that in the past. Please do not post our relationship status or pictures on social media because I do not want to give him a chance to revictimize me."

 

Your ex is dealing with his own trauma now. Maybe he will get past it, maybe he won't. The problem is that he had no context when he received the video so his brain filled in the rest. If he was expecting that something would happen and it did, I bet his natural urge to be your protector would have kicked in. He made some mistakes in the way he handled it, but it doesn't sound like he's a bad person.

 

You can take away this abuser's power by letting go of your shame. Don't run from your past, embrace it. You sound like such a smart, strong woman and great mother. Become a beacon of hope for other victims. I shared my painful story of addiction with you because I knew that my experiences could potentially help you shine the light on your own. There's no doubt in my mind that you could do the same for others.

 

Sending Internet hugs from the great state of Colorado! HereNorThere

[BTDT2012]

Gibrale, (((hugs))) and prayers for you. And tell your friends that you don't want the to tell you anything about your ex.

[Doorstopper]

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Another update is directly above this post.

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A few nights ago, he said he didn’t want any Christmas presents he just wanted his dad back. My ex-fiancé wants to be in his life, but it should be all in or nothing. He said he wants to sit down and talk, but made it clear that it was only about my son not us.

 

He said he doesn’t love me anymore and never loved me, only who he thought I was. I wish he would just let me try and explain, but it’s all excuses to him. I still want to be with him and marry him. He’s probably never coming back. He won’t hear me out. I sent him a long email, but I don’t think he even read it.

 

 

Two thought: Meet with him and talk about your son. Don't bring up what happened. Let him have some time with your son. It will be good for both your son and him.

 

Second, you are the person he fell in Love with and not the person of your past. Let him see this. Don't tell him. He needs to figure this out his own; That your past is what someone else did to you, not what you did to your fiance.

 

Be Strong and Good Luck!

[Gibrale]

My son has always wanted a dad more than anything. Around age 3 he started asking a lot of questions about his dad, which is right around the time my ex-fiance came into my life. After my son had met him a few times, and my ex-fiance was a natural with him, he asked so many times if that was going to be his dad. I tried to handle it the best that I could and my son has been in counseling since those questions started. He always wanted to watch shows with dads, read books with them, if they didn't have one he'd make stories about why (working, vacation, north pole, etc). Some kids want the hottest toy on the market (hatchimals anyone...) he just wanted a dad. I gave him that and ripped it away.

 

I never expected to find a dad for my son. I always wanted that for him but I didn't expect another man to step up. My ex-fiance blew me away with how happy he was to welcome my son into his life. He so badly wanted to adopt my son, but that was impossible with my ex-boyfriend having rights. I did my best to give him good male role models. As often as I could I requested male coaches, teachers, daycare provider, doctor. I completely walked away from my family, for years it was just my son and I with zero support. I did the best I could being young, traumatized and completely alone. Now I'm back to square one. Not only does my son not have a dad, but he doesn't have a family. We're spending this Christmas just the two of us and it will be the first time for him, since being old enough to understand Christmas/holidays. It makes me wonder if I made the right decision for him when he was born, or if I should have been strong enough to let a real family raise him.

 

My son had never told me that he hated me, until this happened. I feel like I'm failing him. My ex-fiance has said that he would like to stay in my sons life, and I am totally torn on it. Partly for selfish reasons, I don't know how I'd handle seeing my ex-fiance and not being with him, and later seeing him with someone else. I don't want my son to get hurt. At any point my ex-fiance could decide he's done and doesn't want to be the surrogate father anymore. If he meets someone else he might not want to deal with an ex when he doesn't have to. It would leave me to deal with two fathers. But if I remove him from my sons life, he has lost 2 dads.

 

The weather was really bad here today and my son needed to be picked up early from school. My ex-fiance is still a contact person on file (I forgot to change all that) and they called him first. He went and got him and hung out with him until I could get home. I asked him to stay but he said no. For a brief moment he looked at me like he use to, but it didn't last more than a couple seconds. He said it's too hard to be around me and if he doesn't leave now he might never, and he doesn't know if he will ever be able to look at me the same. I wanted to ask if he was seeing someone else but really, I don't want to know. He would rather drive in whiteouts and on black ice than stay here until the roads were clear. So basically he'd rather die than be with me.

 

What's the point in telling him everything if he's seeing other women? I can't compare to them. Telling him would be so hard and for nothing. Some things will be harder than others to tell him. The things that I "chose" to do and am extremely ashamed of, I don't know if I could look him in the eyes and say it. How do you say something to someone that you know will disgust them. It would be like watching him lose feelings and respect for me as quickly as the words flow from my mouth.

 

Some things I feel like would make him leave because he wouldn't understand. He would hear it come out of my mouth and be unable to hear me out. I don't know if he would sit down long enough to let me tell him everything. The guy that I had sex with that lives near me, I know I should have told my fiance about that. I couldn't do it, and it always made me nervous. I don't think he ever recognized me, honestly, and he appears to be married with kids. He was 5-6 years older. I felt like telling my fiance about that would open the floodgates. He said he didn't want to know about my sexual past, so I didn't want to tell him.

 

I wasn't having group sex every day... I know who my sons biological dad is...

 

He is very conservative about sex. He has only had sex in serious relationships, he doesn't even kiss right away. He doesn't like black/white interracial relationship (I feel like that is an American thing). He is completely against "hooking up", pro waiting until marriage (and wished we had). He didn't want to live together until we were married, but did change his mind. No anal, always used condoms, no ejaculating anywhere but the condom or his hand, very rarely masturbated, no porn, he wasn't very comfortable with oral. Very "vanilla" is the term I've heard. Missionary almost all the time. I loved it, honestly. I know a lot of people wouldn't but I did. I wouldn't have changed it for the world. It was the complete opposite of what I was use to and I never wanted it to change. I still don't.

 

He's not religious at all. He was raised by religious parents. He was born and raised in the US, in a southern state. His family moved up here and he retained some of his values and lost others. We were raised so differently, polar opposites. His parents raised him to be a good man, and they did a good job because he is. His families opinion and respect mean a lot to him, and he won't get positive feed back towards me now. His mom use to talk to me every couple days and now she doesn't at all.

 

But because of those views on sex, seeing that video was extremely difficult. Everything that he is against I did. It made him think really poorly of me and think I'm gross. I did everything that he thinks is disgusting... Group sex with strangers. No condoms, they were never used. Double penetration and oral. Butt to mouth. Being rough. Finishing in and on me. Having an orgasm, which I've never had with him. Saying and doing "porn-y" things that I was coached to say/do.

 

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I ever dated again. It feels like it would be easier to hide it. I know, in theory, it should be easier having a spouse that knows everything. Maybe it could be, but it's getting too that point. You can't tell someone too early or you'll scare them off, but you can't tell them too late either or you lied about who you are and they leave. Maybe some people would be okay with it but I feel like so many more wouldn't, I can't keep telling people. I can't make myself that vulnerable. Based on this thread, very few would be okay with it. What if they decided they wanted to try and find those videos... I feel like I never want to date again. Maybe I'd meet someone and I'd feel safe enough and comfortable enough to tell them, right now that seems unattainable.

 

I feel horrible that he was blindsided and felt like I lied about who I am. I always knew those videos were out there, though I hadn't really thought of them for quite a while. It was a shock to me, but not nearly as much as it was for him. He said he loved someone that never existed, and it hurts that he feels that way. I wish I could go back and fix it. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I'd do anything if it meant he'd come home. Before this happened, our relationship was really good. We were so happy.

 

I can't stop looking at all of his social media accounts. Which is so stupid for me to do. It's like I want myself to hurt. Next week friends of ours are getting married, we are supposed to be in the wedding party and they are having bridesmaids and groomsmen walk together. We were paired up to walk together and I can't do it. I can't walk down the aisle with him knowing I never actually will. I talked to the bride tonight and she was fine with changing the order so I walk with someone else. Even so, that means watching him walk down with someone else, which he eventually will do. She said they had talked to my ex-fiance already and he said they could leave it as it was, because he could put aside our issues for their day. I wanted to think that it meant we still had a chance, but really I think he's just a stronger person than I am.

[40somethingGuy]

My son has always wanted a dad more than anything. Around age 3 he started asking a lot of questions about his dad, which is right around the time my ex-fiance came into my life. After my son had met him a few times, and my ex-fiance was a natural with him, he asked so many times if that was going to be his dad. I tried to handle it the best that I could and my son has been in counseling since those questions started. He always wanted to watch shows with dads, read books with them, if they didn't have one he'd make stories about why (working, vacation, north pole, etc). Some kids want the hottest toy on the market (hatchimals anyone...) he just wanted a dad. I gave him that and ripped it away.

 

{snip}

You are such a good person and deserve to be loved. I pray that a good man who captures your heart comes to you.

Edited December 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HereNorThere]

You know the reason those virgins are giving you a hard time and trying to shame you, right? It's cause they JELLY Don't get me wrong, there's nothing to be jealous of. I know that, you know that, but something about a woman having more experience than them that triggers their insecurities.

 

Make no mistake about it, if they could, they would. Those same guys trying to give you a hard time and make you feel guilty are the same ones that sit in their Mom's basement watching those kinds of videos and fantasizing about adventurous sex.

 

The son thing is sad and I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I'm also so happy that he has a great mom that will always make sure he has a better childhood than she did. You're both young and life has so many good things in store for you. Don't give up hope.

 

You're honestly wrong about finding a guy that could understand. Dude, it's 2016. We're all naked on the Internet doing messed up junk. No one is asking you to confess your deepest, darkest sins on a first date (or ever.) Just try to find a person who is a little more liberal than the last guy.

 

These guys are berating you on one tab and trying to coax some webcam girl in the other. Bunch of hypocrites and you know it!

 

P.S. - Disliking Interracial couples isn't an American thing, that's a BIGOT thing. Don't judge us by our worst citizens.

Edited December 17, 2016 by HereNorThere

[dpass]

It makes me wonder if I made the right decision for him when he was born, or if I should have been strong enough to let a real family raise him.

 

You made the best decision you could at the time, there is no point worrying about it now. Now you have to do your best to raise him as best as you can.

 

The weather was really bad here today and my son needed to be picked up early from school. My ex-fiance is still a contact person on file (I forgot to change all that) and they called him first. He went and got him and hung out with him until I could get home. I asked him to stay but he said no. For a brief moment he looked at me like he use to, but it didn't last more than a couple seconds. He said it's too hard to be around me and if he doesn't leave now he might never, and he doesn't know if he will ever be able to look at me the same. I wanted to ask if he was seeing someone else but really, I don't want to know. He would rather drive in whiteouts and on black ice than stay here until the roads were clear. So basically he'd rather die than be with me.

 

He still has feelings for you and he needs more time to process. For you it has felt like an eternity, for him it probably felt like yesterday. He wants space from you to figure things out. Being around you makes it hard to let go.

 

What's the point in telling him everything if he's seeing other women? I can't compare to them. Telling him would be so hard and for nothing. Some things will be harder than others to tell him. The things that I "chose" to do and am extremely ashamed of, I don't know if I could look him in the eyes and say it. How do you say something to someone that you know will disgust them. It would be like watching him lose feelings and respect for me as quickly as the words flow from my mouth.

 

Yes, it would be hard but maybe it would mean you reconcile your relationship. Lower in your post you said you would do anything to be with him again. You need to start there. If he won't listen to you then write it all out. You don't need to say all of the sexual things that you've done, just that you've done things you know he doesn't agree with. (He, by the way, is beyond vanilla. He's like original potato chips with reduced salt.)

 

You can compare to other ladies because he loves you, he doesn't love them.

 

The guy that I had sex with that lives near me, I know I should have told my fiance about that. I couldn't do it, and it always made me nervous. I don't think he ever recognized me, honestly, and he appears to be married with kids. He was 5-6 years older.

 

Oh he recognizes you, trust me. He just doesn't want his wife to find out. If he is 5 or 6 years older than you then there has to be a statutory rape law broken there, unless you didn't have sex with him until you were 18. No crap he wants to pretend like he doesn't see you, he doesn't want to wind up in jail.

 

I wasn't having group sex every day... I know who my sons biological dad is...

 

You probably do, but if you haven't had a DNA test then you really should. When you are having sex with multiple partners, you can't assume anything. Especially when you didn't use condoms, which you just confirmed. It's not meant to be rude at all, finding out could be the best news you get. If the ex isn't the dad then he's out of your life. He hasn't played a father role at all, the courts wouldn't think twice to remove his parental rights. That means, if your fiancé comes back he can adopt your son. Having the ex out of the picture may make him more likely to come back.

 

She said they had talked to my ex-fiance already and he said they could leave it as it was, because he could put aside our issues for their day. I wanted to think that it meant we still had a chance, but really I think he's just a stronger person than I am.

 

If he really hated you as much as you think he does, he'd be nowhere near that wedding with you in it. No one wants to go to a wedding with their ex. Maybe that is the perfect time for you to spend time together and him to realize he misses you. And you never know, him seeing YOU walk down that aisle may bring back his feelings. If I were you, I'd leave the arrangements as they were and walk with him.

[Gibrale]

You know the reason those virgins are giving you a hard time and trying to shame you, right? It's cause they JELLY Don't get me wrong, there's nothing to be jealous of. I know that, you know that, but something about a woman having more experience than them that triggers their insecurities.

 

Your post made me smile, so thank you for that. I needed that. We really do have no idea who is sitting on the other side of the screen.

 

Have to be honest, my RL experience with American's is pretty much limited to people from the deep south. Those are the only states I've been to and they seem to flock up here every few months and I get to deal with a few 'lovely' people. Probably shouldn't use them to represent the whole country. Though it is fun to convince them we all live in igloos and have pet moose.

 

He still has feelings for you and he needs more time to process. For you it has felt like an eternity, for him it probably felt like yesterday. He wants space from you to figure things out. Being around you makes it hard to let go.

 

Yes, it would be hard but maybe it would mean you reconcile your relationship. Lower in your post you said you would do anything to be with him again. You need to start there. If he won't listen to you then write it all out. You don't need to say all of the sexual things that you've done, just that you've done things you know he doesn't agree with. (He, by the way, is beyond vanilla. He's like original potato chips with reduced salt.)

 

You can compare to other ladies because he loves you, he doesn't love them.

 

Oh he recognizes you, trust me. He just doesn't want his wife to find out. If he is 5 or 6 years older than you then there has to be a statutory rape law broken there, unless you didn't have sex with him until you were 18. No crap he wants to pretend like he doesn't see you, he doesn't want to wind up in jail.

 

You probably do, but if you haven't had a DNA test then you really should. When you are having sex with multiple partners, you can't assume anything. Especially when you didn't use condoms, which you just confirmed. It's not meant to be rude at all, finding out could be the best news you get. If the ex isn't the dad then he's out of your life. He hasn't played a father role at all, the courts wouldn't think twice to remove his parental rights. That means, if your fiancé comes back he can adopt your son. Having the ex out of the picture may make him more likely to come back.

 

If he really hated you as much as you think he does, he'd be nowhere near that wedding with you in it. No one wants to go to a wedding with their ex. Maybe that is the perfect time for you to spend time together and him to realize he misses you. And you never know, him seeing YOU walk down that aisle may bring back his feelings. If I were you, I'd leave the arrangements as they were and walk with him.

 

It's so hard to hang on. I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable. I don't know how much longer I can sit in the unknown. I understood the comment "He said it's too hard to be around me and if he doesn't leave now he might never [leave]" to mean that he's trying to get over me, and can't be around me to do that. I wish he would just tell me what he's doing instead of keeping me in the dark. I don't want to force myself on him by being with him at the wedding. I don't think I'd be able to handle touching him without crying, to be honest. I can't even see him without crying. But I don't want him to think I've given up by having them switch the party up.

 

However vanilla or plain he is, I loved it.

 

I was 14 when I had sex with him and continued through until 19. The legal age of consent was 14 at that point. They raised it to 16, but not until I was around 20. Legally, nothing was done wrong. I wouldn't even try to go there now, and there would be some sort of statue of limitations. He has never looked at me or tried to talk to me so I try and forget about it. It's not like we're neighbours, just close by.

 

I have never done a DNA test but I know my ex-boyfriend was the father based on timing. My son is a spitting image of myself but I know my ex-boyfriend is his dad. I can't remember perfectly anymore, but there was a couple or few weeks between anyone else.

[trippi1432]

Gibrale - Is he really stronger? I think in your very first post you stated that he didn't want to know your past, this is a good indication that you HAVE handled your past better than he has considering his behavior.

 

I'm more concerned about YOU. This situation has definitely had its triggers...I actually find it appalling that some people think that "age" gets you beyond childhood trauma like this. A bandaid of protecting yourself and moving beyond your abuse was peeled off by your ex and your ex-fiancé gets to walk around like he was duped? Pah-leeze!!!

 

Don't change the order this weekend, your past does not define you. He was a good part of your future and what you know you want and to be good in the world. How he takes that is HIS problem, not yours.

 

As to your son....I was there with my daughter and I can tell you being both Mom and Dad to your child is not something you WANT to do, but it's "do-able". Actually, I was such an overprotective Mom to my daughter due to my own sexual molestation and traumas that I wouldn't let a man get close to my daughter. Her grandfather was afraid to even hug her at one point...and thankfully he pulled me back from that trauma to allow him to be a positive father figure in her life, she's almost 30 and she sees both me and her Grandfather as her Dad. Your son will also see you as a strong Mother/Father in his life too....you are worthy and fit, and more to add, you aren't walking around with rose-colored glasses on either. You already know how harsh this world is, that makes you a better parent actually.

 

What I actually find disappointing is that some members want to make you feel bad over something that you didn't have any control over. It's hard for some people to understand what being a survivor is when they are mired in their own muck. Some really good members here have pointed that out, not in those exact words so I will do that for them...........YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

 

You don't need to explain your past, you deserve acceptance for WHO you are and loved for WHO you are today. The right man will be glad for what your ex-fiancé has thrown away.

[HereNorThere]

OP, I just really, really, really think you should talk to some more professionals before you get into another relationship. Admittedly, I dislike conservatives so I am little biased, but I wonder if there wasn't a part of his naïveté that you found "safe." Trust me, those people really aren't that safe. They're most judgy and only get worse as they get older. I've spent half of a lifetime running from those people. I refuse to be held to their impossible standards.

 

You will get past all of this and have your day in the sun. Grieve, but move forward. Come visit us in Colorado! We're a bunch of of non-judgmental, homo-loving, sex positive heathens. Plus we have ways of making you forget all about your problems. Beautiful, organic, tasty ways.

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Edited December 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BluesPower]

Gibrale,

 

Wanting your son to have a father is natural for you and your son. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I have been able to be here for my children and I am thankful for that.

 

The negative words in your head are something that you eventually have to get out. Darling, you were abused in life by your parents and your boyfriend. Regardless of anything anyone says, you are a victim of abuse, and some of it is the most horrible type of abuse that a woman can suffer.

 

It does not make you a bad person in any way. You have to burn those types of words in you mind and not the negative ones. The things that happened to you were wrong then and they are still wrong.

 

If you xF is ever able to understand what has happened to you he might change his mind or he may not. None of that changes the person that you are. And that person is a wonderful young woman that is a good mother, that is who you are, you are not the abuse that happened to you.

 

The fact you are not on the streets or a drug addict actually says a lot about you. It says that you are able to over come your past and it says that YOU ARE STRONG. The people that fall into that life are not as strong as you are.

 

You cannot judge yourself by what your xF thinks about you. You should never judge yourself by what anyone thinks of you. You need to realize that you have left that lifestyle behind and it is not part of your life now.

 

You say that you are not that together, I beg to differ. You have made great strides in your life and you are moving forward.

 

What you ex did to you to sabotage you relationship with you xF is possibly on of the lowest things anyone could ever do. He just wanted to keep hurting you, he wanted to keep abusing you. You know your xF may never come back, but that is not because of you. He is not a strong man even if you think he is. Maybe he will get over it at some point and maybe he won't.

 

If he does not, somewhere there is a man that will be able to understand what happened to you and that man will not judge you. When the right man comes along, you will know it. Maybe it is not your xF or maybe he will come around, who knows.

 

You need to understand that you super person and keep telling yourself that, because you are.

 

You are raising your son in a better environment than you were raised in, and that is a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of. And you know what, your son is proud of you right now, and as he gets older and is able to understand more, he will continue to be proud of you for the woman that you are and for being you mother you are.

 

And he always will be...

[NTV]

[W]ith [past exBF] out of the picture you'd be free to pack up and move somewhere nobody knows your past, right? Now I'm not suggesting you run from it. Not at all, definitely get the help you need to be the best mom you can be. Having eating disorders is not a good thing for your child to see in their parent. Help for that is available almost everywhere though, right?

 

I know that I have never been in your shoes. I can't speak from any voice of experience. But I can speak as one human to the other and let you know that I don't judge you for your past. The funny thing about the past is that it's the actions of today that determines who you will be tomorrow. You are no longer that teenager. You are a mom with responsibilities.

 

When I get lost as a dad, I picture what I think the best dad in the world would do and try to do that. Even if I fail---which is a whole lot---I know that I am trying. And I plan to keep trying until I die. Even when I'm cleaning poop out of the carpet or convincing a kid that big numbers aren't scary while they cry or having to put the family cat down because she's sick. Even when my wife cheated, my thoughts circled back to showing my kids how to deal with life when it vomits on my best suit. Be the kind of person I want my kids to become. That's what my life plan entails.

 

...well sorry if that started to come across as a motivational speech lol. Just a stranger on the internet sayin' stuff.

Edited December 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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