My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[BetrayedH]

Find out if your lawyer can put him on notice that he can no longer distribute video's of you without your written consent. I would find out if You can get a restraining order against him because of the damage he has caused you and your son. You can make his life very difficult, he is a very foolish and stupid man.

 

Normally I don't do much advising to pursue this kind of stuff (as I'm not sure it always helps people heal and costs a lot of money in the interim) but, in this case, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Screw that guy. He ruined what could have been a good marriage for life, just because he could. It was just evil, and directed at the mother of his child. I'd do whatever I could to legally get back at that arsehole and to prevent a reoccurrence, whether it be a cease and desist order, restraining order, criminal charges, civil suit, harrassment claim, or anything else a good attorney can throw at him. I only hope her first attorney consult was hasty and that she's actually got a case.

[lolablue17]

Yep. There are some states where the age of consent is 16, although I'm pretty sure there are federal laws that require porn actors to be 18. Not sure if that would apply here, although it is irrelevant since she was 18+ at the time.

 

[]

 

Maybe it's a misunderstanding. You talk about the age of consent for porn actors. But she isn't a porn actress. The fact that she agreed to take the video does not say she agreed to publish it. Many couples take private video of them selves, and it doesn't give automatically the right to one of them to show it even to their friends without consent.

 

To expose private organs of people can cause them public humiliation, financial damage, mental damage, and so and so... No law allows it. Even if it's done for innocent purposes, not to mention deliberate sabotage, which I think also a criminal act.

 

I don't have the knowledge or the time to quote laws on this forum, but in the western world, basic human rights are the same everywhere. Imagine what can happen if you're right. Total caos. If I remember correctly, a woman managed to get a warrent which prohibited her ex husband to only share their bed habits in a book he wrote. No photos, no videos, just written words and it was forbidden by supreme court in the US. We talk about basic human rights.

 

You don't want to live in a world in which anyone who managed to put his hand on your private photos can share them with anybody, and the very fact that you agreed to take them in some point in your life, means a free permanent permission for everyone to publish them, no matter how old are you. It doesn't make sence, and i've learned that in western countries the law usualy makes sence.

Edited December 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[road]

Maybe it's a misunderstanding. You talk about the age of consent for porn actors. But she isn't a porn actress. The fact that she agreed to take the video does not say she agreed to publish it. Many couples take private video of them selves, and it doesn't give automatically the right to one of them to show it even to their friends without consent.

 

To expose private organs of people can cause them public humiliation, financial damage, mental damage, and so and so... No law allows it. Even if it's done for innocent purposes, not to mention deliberate sabotage, which I think also a criminal act.

 

I don't have the knowledge or the time to quote laws on this forum, but in the western world, basic human rights are the same everywhere. Imagine what can happen if you're right. Total caos. If I remember correctly, a woman managed to get a warrent which prohibited her ex husband to only share their bed habits in a book he wrote. No photos, no videos, just written words and it was forbidden by supreme court in the US. We talk about basic human rights.

 

You don't want to live in a world in which anyone who managed to put his hand on your private photos can share them with anybody, and the very fact that you agreed to take them in some point in your life, means a free permanent permission for everyone to publish them, no matter how old are you. It doesn't make sence, and i've learned that in western countries the law usualy makes sence.

 

Laws change this is why people here should be pushing the OP to get the law involved.

[elaine567]

In the UK - Revenge porn: More than 200 prosecuted under new law - BBC News

[Gibrale]

For the argument of whether it was legal or not, I'm not in the US. I'm in Canada. I have spoken with 2 lawyers. Apparently if it had been published online there would be a better chance. As far as I know, it's not. I have spent a lot of time looking at revenge porn websites and other websites. Without a doubt, I was 18.

 

I had a glimmer of hope when my ex-fiance came to my sons game, but he wouldn't talk to me. He just stared at me most of the time from the other side of the stands. Afterwards I tried to go up to him but he quickly said good-bye to my son and left. I want to believe that there is a chance he will come around, but I don't know. Having him there made my son happy, but confused him. I do need to tell my ex-fiance that he has to be all in or all out. It will be too hard on my son for him to come and go. He loves my son like his own so I know it's hard for him as well.

 

I did send him an email saying a lot of what was said here. He didn't respond at all, I don't even know if he read it. I would do anything at this point for him to just hear me out. The idea that he has in his head isn't right but he thinks I'm just saying things to get him back. We didn't have trust issues before, but now he doesn't trust anything I say because he "doesn't even know me", in his words.

 

I asked if there was anything I could do in regards to my ex-boyfriends visitation. But since he already has restricted visitation there isn't much that can be done. He can only see my son for 8 hours a month, maximum spread over 2 days. No overnights, he can't drive with my son, it is supervised by his parents and no one else can be around, supervised exchanges. All that is left is for the visits to be supervised by child services, and I'm working on that.

[Springsummer]

I would be concerned with anyone that used something I did in a previous relationship that took place years before I met them as an excuse to break off our engagement. Not because you did these things but because he refuses to discuss them with you. Honesty is always the best policy when your in a serious relationship(actually any relationship). You can't hold something like that against someone specially when they were so young and living in a different world. Give him space and if he choose to not speak with you just move on. You and your son deserve better because you can't change what has already happened, you can make sure that it never happens again. That's why many people use prenuptial agreements if they have such concerns.

 

Unfortunately , the only people who stay and/or discuss with you are the people who are like you with similar pasts.

 

Don't you think the ex-finance has the right to know?

 

I agree the ex is evil and OP is a victim. but please leave the fiance alone. He did nothing wrong. He doesn't deserve any disrespect. He is the ultimate victim here.

 

Past does matter. when I look for a job, all that counts to the person who wants to hire me is my past experience. All I talk about to them is what I did in my past employments. Goodness, I do hope they have similar attitude as you about my past though.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Springsummer

[anna121]

OP, the revenge porn law in Canada is two years old. It doesn't have alot of caselaw yet. But the material definitely doesn't have to be posted on the internet to qualify. The law covers someone who "transmits" an intimate image. And, in any event, your ex did so through email!

 

FWIW, the trickier thing might be another part of the law, which requires a reasonable expectation of privacy in the image. I mention that only because the image involved a few people - and not to start an argument with other posters. But I doubt that would suffice to render your ex's action free and clear.

 

Honestly, I really think you should skip lawyers and go the police and make a report. Tell them your story. They may take pity on you and be willing to at least have a chat with the ex to put the fear of God in him.

[Noirek]

Yeah, in canada you have a case for this. In fact there are laws because of unwanted emailing of private videos. You need to see a new lawyer and get your ex boyfriend dealt with to protect yourself in the future and your son.

 

And remember, your boyfriend isn't the ultimate victim. He wasn't abused by his father, abused, raped, and controlled by his boyfriend. You were. And then you became strong and got out of that. I understand why you didn't want to talk about this. IMO you will meet a guy one day who makes you feel safe enough to open up about your past. Your ex fiance is a good guy but he probably did not have the emotional maturity to deal with this and you felt that (his insecurities about talking about past partners). But many guys do. And no they don't need to have similar pasts. Your fiance got blindsided and maybe he will come around. But don't beat yourself up if he doesn't. When you meet that guy who makes you feel safe you'll know the difference.

 

And yes be firm but grateful about his interest in your son. For both his sake, your son's and your own their relationship needs to end if yours does.

[fenix]

OP, the revenge porn law in Canada is two years old. It doesn't have alot of caselaw yet. But the material definitely doesn't have to be posted on the internet to qualify. The law covers someone who "transmits" an intimate image. And, in any event, your ex did so through email!

 

FWIW, the trickier thing might be another part of the law, which requires a reasonable expectation of privacy in the image. I mention that only because the image involved a few people - and not to start an argument with other posters. But I doubt that would suffice to render your ex's action free and clear.

 

Honestly, I really think you should skip lawyers and go the police and make a report. Tell them your story. They may take pity on you and be willing to at least have a chat with the ex to put the fear of God in him.

I quote for emphasis, specially the bold part.

 

Ex fiance has two options, either he accepts who you are and comes along or he needs to get out of your life for good. There is no midway!

 

I have tried to tell you that you should not be ashamed of who you are, you took decisions you are not happy with then, but they made you the person you are today. Don't be afraid of showing who you are and definitely don't be ashamed of how you got where you are now.

You fiance don't have the right to judge you for your past, he only got the right to judge you because you hid it from him.

[LargoLagg]

I don't know the law, I'm speaking only in the name of my common sence. Are you saying that there is at least one state in the US, that allows to share private sex videos without an explicit consent of the people who participate in the video?

 

I can't imagine in my dreams that there is one place in the world which allows this. Do you know that when they interview people on video for any purpose (not only commercial TV) even if they ask you only "Do you love America" and you answer "YES", they have to get your written signature IN PAPER to publish your answer in any media? That even when you agreed to cooperate, you're fully clothed, and the purpose is very innocent. If they do it without you're signature you can sue them.

 

It's not only nude photos or video. If she had a bf and she shared with him details about her medical condition, he is not alloed to share any detail (even the most tiny one) with ANYONE! If he does, she can sue him without the need to prove any damage.

 

Any person has the right for privacy about his\her body\health\sex life, and that privilege is 100% complete and undeniable. That's been said without knowing the law in any specific state.

I think what you have to come to terms with is that the US is a free country, which in practical terms means that whatever is not prohibited is allowed, no matter how "common sense" it may be. The ability to do this is fairly new, and a lot of times, states don't deal with these things until somebody's constituent gets victimized.

 

You laugh about child pornography being allowed, but what you may not know is that child pornography laws in the US didn't exist before 1977. These laws were created in response to what was happening in the US, not in anticipation of what might happen.

 

How about that?

[LargoLagg]

For the argument of whether it was legal or not, I'm not in the US. I'm in Canada. I have spoken with 2 lawyers. Apparently if it had been published online there would be a better chance. As far as I know, it's not. I have spent a lot of time looking at revenge porn websites and other websites. Without a doubt, I was 18.

 

I had a glimmer of hope when my ex-fiance came to my sons game, but he wouldn't talk to me. He just stared at me most of the time from the other side of the stands. Afterwards I tried to go up to him but he quickly said good-bye to my son and left. I want to believe that there is a chance he will come around, but I don't know. Having him there made my son happy, but confused him. I do need to tell my ex-fiance that he has to be all in or all out. It will be too hard on my son for him to come and go. He loves my son like his own so I know it's hard for him as well.

 

I did send him an email saying a lot of what was said here. He didn't respond at all, I don't even know if he read it. I would do anything at this point for him to just hear me out. The idea that he has in his head isn't right but he thinks I'm just saying things to get him back. We didn't have trust issues before, but now he doesn't trust anything I say because he "doesn't even know me", in his words.

 

I asked if there was anything I could do in regards to my ex-boyfriends visitation. But since he already has restricted visitation there isn't much that can be done. He can only see my son for 8 hours a month, maximum spread over 2 days. No overnights, he can't drive with my son, it is supervised by his parents and no one else can be around, supervised exchanges. All that is left is for the visits to be supervised by child services, and I'm working on that.

The legal problem with pursuing any criminal action is likely that you were in a film, seemingly willing to be filmed and the film is in his possession and you've never taken any legal steps to get it. He didn't try to sell it, and he didn't publish it. He just shared it. At least, that's the difficulty you'd face in the US, and I have to believe that Canada is similar.

 

I don't claim to know more about Canadian law than the two attorneys you saw, but Canada does have a very extensive set of tort laws, which are civil (non-criminal) offenses between two parties. There are certainly tort laws that deal with the intentional infliction of emotional distress, which is exactly what has happened to you. So I'm surprised that neither lawyer would have brought that up. People might claim a valid defense, such as the victim's consent, self-defense, defense of property, necessity or lawful authority. But none of that would seem to apply. In these types of cases, you get awarded money to compensate for the wrong you suffered, and you can get extra money to punish the perpetrator.

 

Assuming that your ex-boyfriend has little to no money, he does have two things he might give you to pay off the debt if you prevail:

 

1) All copies of the movie

2) His paternal rights

 

So I thought for sure that would be how you'd get this to stop. So maybe what you need to do is try one more time, but this time look specifically for a civil lawyer who specializes in tort law and call and ask about emotional distress. It may simply be that you talked to attorneys who specialize in the criminal area. You'd think they'd know, and they might, but I can't imagine that this wasn't even discussed with you. Maybe it was.

 

Anyway, it seems like it's worth your time. Good luck with all this mess.

[lucy_in_disguise]

While many men would not be able to move past this, I find your finance's behaivior alarmingly cruel. He has been in your life long enough to have a sense of who you are, and who your ex is, and to realize your ex is not a good person. Even if he could not procede with the relationship after having seen those images, I'm surprised he didn't have the empathy to realize you are also a victim here, that was your ex did was vindicative and calling you disgusting on top of it was very cruel and unwarranted. I'd think twice about wanting this man back in your life. He has displayed having very little empathy.

 

Like other posters suggest, I would also look into criminal and/or civil charges. If a woman is able to successfully sue McDonald's for damages sustained by spilling hot coffee that she purchased onto her lap, I have no doubt that the right lawyer can find a charge for your scummy ex-bf. Charging him should be enough to show him you mean business.

Edited December 5, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[Bufo]

This is far simpler than portrayed here.

 

Google "States with revenge porn laws". You'll get lots of hits, but use the newest ones. Looks like 34 states and Wash D.C. to me.

 

Check those against where you live. The crime is the harassment/threat and not the filming. Besides, one might question whether the statute of limitations hasn't expired on the filming.

 

If you are in a state that allows revenge porn actions, contact the detective bureau of your local law enforcement. You need not spend $ on your own lawyer. You can, but not mandated.

 

Does X pay child support? If not, why not? Seeking child support if you have not done so will hit him where it hurts.imagine getting sued for support and getting arrested the same day or week. You'll teach him you are not his doormat. If he lands in jail, it's going to be difficult to see your son, isn't it?

 

Keep the video AND the email. Had to deny he sent it if its his email address

[anna121]

The OP is in Canada, which has one federal, criminal law that covers the entire country. It is the opposite of the U.S. where criminal laws are state jurisdiction.

 

Canada passed a "revenge porn" law in 2014 and I think the ex's actions in distributing the film to her ex-fiance would qualify.

 

I believe tort law is also a possibility, but that does vary from province to province. And, of course, is way more expensive.

[40somethingGuy]

For the argument of whether it was legal or not, I'm not in the US. I'm in Canada. I have spoken with 2 lawyers. Apparently if it had been published online there would be a better chance. As far as I know, it's not. I have spent a lot of time looking at revenge porn websites and other websites. Without a doubt, I was 18.

 

I had a glimmer of hope when my ex-fiance came to my sons game, but he wouldn't talk to me. He just stared at me most of the time from the other side of the stands. Afterwards I tried to go up to him but he quickly said good-bye to my son and left. I want to believe that there is a chance he will come around, but I don't know. Having him there made my son happy, but confused him. I do need to tell my ex-fiance that he has to be all in or all out. It will be too hard on my son for him to come and go. He loves my son like his own so I know it's hard for him as well.

 

I did send him an email saying a lot of what was said here. He didn't respond at all, I don't even know if he read it. I would do anything at this point for him to just hear me out. The idea that he has in his head isn't right but he thinks I'm just saying things to get him back. We didn't have trust issues before, but now he doesn't trust anything I say because he "doesn't even know me", in his words.

 

I asked if there was anything I could do in regards to my ex-boyfriends visitation. But since he already has restricted visitation there isn't much that can be done. He can only see my son for 8 hours a month, maximum spread over 2 days. No overnights, he can't drive with my son, it is supervised by his parents and no one else can be around, supervised exchanges. All that is left is for the visits to be supervised by child services, and I'm working on that.

 

Any update on your situation? Has the ex fiancé been open to talk a little or any response to your heartfelt email? I do truly feel for you. You seem like a great person who is just trying to make the best life possible in light of a terrible upbringing. Just know that you didn't deserve this. Plenty of men could handle this if you are sincere and willing to be upfront.

[Cephalopod]

Yeah, in canada you have a case for this. In fact there are laws because of unwanted emailing of private videos. You need to see a new lawyer and get your ex boyfriend dealt with to protect yourself in the future and your son.

 

And remember, your boyfriend isn't the ultimate victim. He wasn't abused by his father, abused, raped, and controlled by his boyfriend. You were. And then you became strong and got out of that. I understand why you didn't want to talk about this. IMO you will meet a guy one day who makes you feel safe enough to open up about your past. Your ex fiance is a good guy but he probably did not have the emotional maturity to deal with this and you felt that (his insecurities about talking about past partners). But many guys do. And no they don't need to have similar pasts. Your fiance got blindsided and maybe he will come around. But don't beat yourself up if he doesn't. When you meet that guy who makes you feel safe you'll know the difference.

 

And yes be firm but grateful about his interest in your son. For both his sake, your son's and your own their relationship needs to end if yours does.

 

 

Emotional maturity has nothing to do with this.

 

Many men...most men... mature or not would not be able to handle seeing a video of the woman they love getting nailed by the ex and other men in a group scenario.

 

The ex boyfriend needs to have the crap beat out of him by about six guys with belts.

[Cephalopod]

While many men would not be able to move past this, I find your finance's behaivior alarmingly cruel. He has been in your life long enough to have a sense of who you are, and who your ex is, and to realize your ex is not a good person. Even if he could not procede with the relationship after having seen those images, I'm surprised he didn't have the empathy to realize you are also a victim here, that was your ex did was vindicative and calling you disgusting on top of it was very cruel and unwarranted. I'd think twice about wanting this man back in your life. He has displayed having very little empathy.

 

Like other posters suggest, I would also look into criminal and/or civil charges. If a woman is able to successfully sue McDonald's for damages sustained by spilling hot coffee that she purchased onto her lap, I have no doubt that the right lawyer can find a charge for your scummy ex-bf. Charging him should be enough to show him you mean business.

 

He doesn't have to. He is not indebted to her in any way. Her past and the pics/vids were a deal breaker, simple as that. []

Edited December 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted off-topic generalizations of women ~6

[herodgrant]

My God, you poor woman. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have a friend who was totally manipulated by her ex from 13-17. Thankfully he didn't make her appear in videos. If you still want to be with your former fiance, I hope he can calm down and maybe approach it more rationally once he's a bit removed from it. It must be an incredible shock for him as well. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

[Springsummer]

I find it ridiculous and insane for some people to say the ex finance is immature and lack of sympathy.

 

for crying out loud, she was over 18 and consented to it, no matter how she was controlled by her ex. and she had never told the finance about her past, that's lying by omission.

 

yes, op is unfortunately to have that kind of father and ex. but she should take some responsibility for what she did as an adult anyhow.

 

I think the finance deserve the most sympathy.

[neowulf]

I find it ridiculous and insane for some people to say the ex finance is immature and lack of sympathy.

 

for crying out loud, she was over 18 and consented to it, no matter how she was controlled by her ex. and she had never told the finance about her past, that's lying by omission.

 

yes, op is unfortunately to have that kind of father and ex. but she should take some responsibility for what she did as an adult anyhow.

 

I think the finance deserve the most sympathy.

 

Yeah no. Sorry.

 

No one's blaming him for being upset. Perhaps this was his line in the sand. But to turn around and shame the OP, after everything she's been through? To make her feel like trash to be discarded? That's not love.

 

If you think 18 is "adult", I can only assume you've forgotten how stupid you were at 18. I know 18 year old me was an inexperienced chump compared to 38 year old me.

 

How long should she be punished for poor choices? We're not talking murder here. Hell, she hasn't even broken any laws. Her psychotic, manipulative ex bullied her into actions that she now has to carry around for the rest of her life. How much suffering should the poor woman endure to satisfy the bruised ego of her ex-partner.

[neowulf]

He doesn't have to. He is not indebted to her in any way. Her past and the pics/vids were a deal breaker, simple as that. []

 

No, not indebted at all. I mean sure, he was planning on marrying her, starting a family with her? I mean, that kind of love for someone can just be turned off at the flick of a switch huh?

 

Jesus, no wonder I've come to mistrust that word. It seems like people run around claiming they "love" people without having a damn clue what it means.

[anna121]

He doesn't have to. He is not indebted to her in any way. Her past and the pics/vids were a deal breaker, simple as that. []

 

What a bizarre way to think about empathy.

[anna121]

I find it ridiculous and insane for some people to say the ex finance is immature and lack of sympathy.

 

I don't think the fiance is immature.

 

Do I think his actions demonstrate an acute lack of empathy? You bet.

[Springsummer]

I don't think the fiance is immature.

 

Do I think his actions demonstrate an acute lack of empathy? You bet.

 

Give me a break. what empathy? no one can really force someone to do something they don't like repeatedly.

 

I suspect the ex is the same age as OP. 18 is immature? she was brainwashed? how about a mother who has a 10 years old son? Did she have a choice to tell her poor ex finance?

 

If someone commit a murder at the age of 18, do you think that person is excusable under the law for being immature?

[anna121]

Um. Empathy for being revenge-porned. Remember?

 

Comparing a filmed sex act to murder is insane. Especially when the OP has given a great deal of information of the context behind the relationship.

 

But, I get it. You don't think the OP is entitled to anything but shame and blame.

 

Great. Fill your boots.