My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[Springsummer]

Um. Empathy for being revenge-porned. Remember?

 

Comparing a filmed sex act to murder is insane. Especially when the OP has given a great deal of information of the context behind the relationship.

 

But, I get it. You don't think the OP is entitled to anything but shame and blame.

 

Great. Fill your boots.

 

Are you really not getting it? it's not about comparing sex to murder, but about being immature at age 18 is no excuse. It's insane if indeed you don't get it.

 

why should the ex-finance have empathy for revenge-porned when he is the ultimate victim? It's ridiculous.

 

What's done is done. OP didn't do anybody wrong (except maybe her ex finance). I am fine with whatever people do as long as they don't hurt anybody else. so I don't see where is your shame and blame accusation come from.

 

so no shame and blame, but take responsibility for what you do and don't instead shaming the ex-fiance.

[impasse]

Are you really not getting it? it's not about comparing sex to murder, but about being immature at age 18 is no excuse. It's insane if indeed you don't get it.

 

why should the ex-finance have empathy for revenge-porned when he is the ultimate victim? It's ridiculous.

 

What's done is done. OP didn't do anybody wrong (except maybe her ex finance). I am fine with whatever people do as long as they don't hurt anybody else. so I don't see where is your shame and blame accusation come from.

 

so no shame and blame, but take responsibility for what you do and don't instead shaming the ex-fiance.

 

Through this entire post, I don't think the OP ever shamed the ex-fiance and has take responsibility throughout.

 

Okay sure, she was 18. 18 is not a mature age, especially when you are with a very manipulative person. From what I read the group sex started when she was 14. If he was able to manipulate her for years into doing things that she didn't want to do, filming is no different. She clearly didn't want to do any of it. She was abused and she was scared. She said somewhere that her ex would "lash out" if she didn't do something he wanted. Only she knows what that really meant. Is it still her fault if her ex said to film the sex or he'd beat/rape/kill/humiliate her?

 

The ex-fiance shouldn't be mad at HER for seeing the video. She didn't send it, she didn't even know it still existed. This anger should be taken out on the ex-boyfriend, if anyone. He is completely justified to walk away and be upset, but he should not have made her feel like trash. He could have handled his exit better.

 

Unless you have been in a manipulative situation, you have no idea what it is like. I have, I know. I met a man at a similar age she did, he was abusive and manipulative. I married him and the control and manipulation never ended, until I left in my mid-20's, with 6 kids with me. Those men, are cut from the same cloth. She just happened to get away before I did.

[benpom]

Hurt and shamed people lose the capacity for empathy at some level. I don't think OP's finance is purposefully showing lack of empathy, but he is a victim too. He is hurt and shamed.

[neowulf]

Are you really not getting it? it's not about comparing sex to murder, but about being immature at age 18 is no excuse. It's insane if indeed you don't get it.

 

why should the ex-finance have empathy for revenge-porned when he is the ultimate victim? It's ridiculous.

 

What's done is done. OP didn't do anybody wrong (except maybe her ex finance). I am fine with whatever people do as long as they don't hurt anybody else. so I don't see where is your shame and blame accusation come from.

 

so no shame and blame, but take responsibility for what you do and don't instead shaming the ex-fiance.

 

Remind me again what exactly was "done" to the ex-fiance?

 

A lie of omission, about events that had *nothing* what so ever to do with him and occurred WELL before he was even on the scene.

 

To be clear, if he'd said "Look, this is a ****ty situation but I don't think I can deal with this. Lets go our seperate ways", that would have been respectful.

 

Instead, he decided the best way to handle it was to drop her like trash. That's cruel and completely unloving.

 

How is it any different to dumping a girlfriend for being raped? Maybe she asked for it? Clearly she should have fought the guy off right? She shouldn't have been out drinking? She's clearly trash for putting herself in that situation. I can't date a woman who's been raped! It's beneath me!

 

See how MESSED UP that thinking is? It's victim blaming and shaming. That's exactly how the Op's ex-fiance behaved. He's made this all about *his* feelings, *his* discomfort, *his* embarrassment and completely ignored the horrible impact it had on the OP.

 

As for "being immature at 18 is no excuse", give me a break. People make mistakes. All people. Of all ages. How long is she suppose to drag that skeleton along behind her. Should she just wear a sign around her neck saying "reformed s.l.u.t"?

 

It boggles my mind how little empathy people have for women who've been put through this kind of abuse. It makes me sick.

[Springsummer]

How is it any different to dumping a girlfriend for being raped? Maybe she asked for it? Clearly she should have fought the guy off right? She shouldn't have been out drinking? She's clearly trash for putting herself in that situation. I can't date a woman who's been raped! It's beneath me!

 

See how MESSED UP that thinking is? It's victim blaming and shaming.

 

Almost as different as day and night.

 

she consented and was with multiple men and even got orgasm out of it.

 

Can you see the difference than being raped? being raped is a complete victim, consented is not really.

 

If you can not see the difference, sorry, you are helpless. I think you are being too personal and invested, so you are messed up here.

 

I totally believe the finance with be with OP if she was raped. you can tell by the fact that the guy loves the kid as his own. That's a very loving person by nature.

[neowulf]

Almost as different as day and night.

 

she consented and was with multiple men and even got orgasm out of it.

 

Can you see the difference than being raped? being raped is a complete victim, consented is not really.

 

If you can't understand that it's possible to coerce people through emotional manipulation, then I can't help you either.

 

I do know the whole "Oh, the poor ex-fiance" stance isn't helping the OP.

I don't see him posting here about how cut up he is about the whole thing.

[hoellein]

Almost as different as day and night.

 

she consented and was with multiple men and even got orgasm out of it.

 

You do know that rape doesn't just mean being cornered in a dark alley and pinned to the ground, right? And, for the record, orgasms during rape are more common than you think. It's a normal response to the physical stimulus going on. It doesn't mean they enjoyed it. It means their body (male or female) reacted.

 

I have an ex who was raped and she had multiple orgasms during. That was the only time she had ever reached orgasm from sex. It took years for her to move past that. She felt like her body betrayed her.

 

Or in your book does an orgasm automatically make it consensual?

[road]

Remind me again what exactly was "done" to the ex-fiance?

 

A lie of omission, about events that had *nothing* what so ever to do with him and occurred WELL before he was even on the scene.

 

To be clear, if he'd said "Look, this is a ****ty situation but I don't think I can deal with this. Lets go our seperate ways", that would have been respectful.

 

Instead, he decided the best way to handle it was to drop her like trash. That's cruel and completely unloving.

 

How is it any different to dumping a girlfriend for being raped? Maybe she asked for it? Clearly she should have fought the guy off right? She shouldn't have been out drinking? She's clearly trash for putting herself in that situation. I can't date a woman who's been raped! It's beneath me!

 

See how MESSED UP that thinking is? It's victim blaming and shaming. That's exactly how the Op's ex-fiance behaved. He's made this all about *his* feelings, *his* discomfort, *his* embarrassment and completely ignored the horrible impact it had on the OP.

 

As for "being immature at 18 is no excuse", give me a break. People make mistakes. All people. Of all ages. How long is she suppose to drag that skeleton along behind her. Should she just wear a sign around her neck saying "reformed s.l.u.t"?

 

It boggles my mind how little empathy people have for women who've been put through this kind of abuse. It makes me sick.

 

I will remind you that to some men there are things in a woman's past that are deal breakers such as sex worker, dancer, porn star, she did half of the small where they live only because she is not gay. It boggles my mind that you can not remember these things and have no empathy for the OP's BF.

 

 

The target for you is the OP's EX.

[neowulf]

I will remind you that to some men there are things in a woman's past that are deal breakers such as sex worker, dancer, porn star, she did half of the small where they live only because she is not gay. It boggles my mind that you can not remember these things and have no empathy for the OP's BF.

 

 

The target for you is the OP's EX.

 

I'll say it again, because apparently I'm not making myself clear.

 

I respect the ex-fiance has deal breakers. I respect that this is his line in the sand. That was never in question. No one owes *anyone* a relationship.

 

However, I can not abide his handling of the situation. He's been hurt so that gives him license to treat her like trash and humiliate her? Unacceptable. So yeah, he get's a full measure of venom, along side the psychotic ex who belongs in a jail cell.

[MJJean]

No, not indebted at all. I mean sure, he was planning on marrying her, starting a family with her? I mean, that kind of love for someone can just be turned off at the flick of a switch huh?

 

Jesus, no wonder I've come to mistrust that word. It seems like people run around claiming they "love" people without having a damn clue what it means.

 

It's not that his love was turned off at the flick of a switch. It's that he found out that she was not who he thought she was and the woman he loved never actually existed.

[Logan787]

Gibrale,

 

I don't think you deserve to be done this way. What happened with you in the video was in a muddled abusive and tumultuous past and you were also very young. Your ex-fiancé should understand that. I hope he comes around. I will also keep you in my prayers as I believe you are like a broken porcelain doll that needs mending and be made whole again. God bless you.

[MJJean]

 

Or in your book does an orgasm automatically make it consensual?

 

No, but actually consenting makes it consensual and the OP clearly states that she did consent.

 

If she actually didn't want to participate in the sessions, she could have looked right at the camera and said "I don't want to do this. I do not enjoy this." and then simply not actively participated.

 

She could have told any number of participants, including the two women, that she didn't want to do it.

 

She could have gone to the police or a lawyer.

 

She could have gone to any number of social services agencies for help after the first one.

 

She's also spoken to more than one attorney who have told her she doesn't have a case. Maybe that's because some crucial details aren't being shared here, but she had to share them with the lawyers.

 

Her fiance saw one of the videos and apparently didn't see anything that indicated distress or lack of enjoyment.

 

If anyone wants my honest assessment, I think she was a messed up teenager who did some messed up stuff because she "lurved" her BF and now has a serious case of buyers remorse.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Unfortunately there probably isnt anything you can do from a legal standpoint. Very few states have so called "revenge porn" laws. My state does, but few do. And it's obvious from the OP's posts that the video was taken with consent.

 

It' a real scumbag thing to do, but probably not illegal, unless she was under 18, in which case, wow on so many levels.

 

But honestly, this comes back to some degree, why did you allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this?

[Wade Lamare]

I'll say it again, because apparently I'm not making myself clear.

 

I respect the ex-fiance has deal breakers. I respect that this is his line in the sand. That was never in question. No one owes *anyone* a relationship.

 

However, I can not abide his handling of the situation. He's been hurt so that gives him license to treat her like trash and humiliate her? Unacceptable. So yeah, he get's a full measure of venom, along side the psychotic ex who belongs in a jail cell.

 

Where on earth has he treated her like trash and humiliated her?

 

I may have missed a lot but from what Gibrale has said when he saw the video his immediate reaction was to say he found it gross, asked for his ring back and said it was over. I don't recall her mentioning him doing much more than that.

 

Gee whizz, he even attended her sons (football?) match as he knew her son had bonded with him. I think that shows that he is a pretty stand up guy.

 

A little sensitive maybe but still a pretty good guy.

 

I advised her that if she still loves him to try and fight for him if she can, it may indeed be over but I still think there may be a chance this can be turned around, a slim chance, but a chance nevertheless. Let's see what happens in a week or two's time.

[Robert]

Per request, this thread has been reopened. Please respect the OP, other members and stay on topic.

Thank you,

 

~ V

Edited December 15, 2016 by Robert
Requested ~ V

[Gibrale]

I had no intention of posting this because I don't need to prove myself to anyone. However, it appears some people are lacking knowledge on abuse and should know that their words hurt. To you, they are just words on a screen but to someone who has been abused they cut deep. Maybe it will stop you from unintentionally hurting someone else.

 

A term you should familiarize yourself with is revictimization.

 

I was born into a family that was broken. They were together but nothing in the marriage or family was normal or healthy. My existence on this planet is because my dad raped my mom and made a "rape baby". My life started with abuse and I was raised to believe that it would end that way too. I was born to a mother who was a product of rape and placed in foster care, and to a father who was sexually abused as a child [by his father] and continued that cycle. I grew up watching my dad beat and rape my mom daily. If she wanted anything, even food for me, she had to perform for him and I was raised to believe the same. My dad made me watch so, in his words, "I would learn my role as a woman".

 

From birth my parents taught me how a man treats a woman and what a woman should accept. All parents do, but the lesson I learned was not the same lesson you learned. When something is all you know, well, it's all you know. I learned the love = abuse, molestation and rape. Your parents and your family instill a lot of values into you, that is what mine taught me. Someone who hasn't been a victim of child abuse cannot comprehend how strong those beliefs are.

 

I didn't learn appropriate boundaries, because there never were any. I grew up not having a choice, my voice meant nothing. All I was worth was my ability to sexually please a man. I had no experience of a nonviolent relationship. Violence is all I knew. It was normal... a way of life. Expected. I didn't know how to develop proper relationships. I had no way to accurately assess the type of person my ex-boyfriend was. To me, he was normal. What he wanted, what he did... it was normal. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't believe anyone would care, my own mother didn't care what happened to me (or so I believed).

 

My father forced me to watch as he raped my mother, and I had no control. My father molested me, and I had no control. My father orally raped me, and I had no control. My grandfather molested me, and I had no control. A cousin of mine raped me, and I had no control. My ex-boyfriend, he offered control. Or at least what felt like it at the time. On top of that there was affection, something I had never experienced but longed for.

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend, for the first time in my life someone showed me affection. For the first time, I was told that I was loved. I never wanted to lose that. It was something I had been fighting for my entire life. I believed that I was loved and valued for my sexuality. The first time we had sex he asked me if I wanted to or not. I had never been asked and he was instantly put on this pedestal, simply because he asked. I said no but we had sex anyway. In that moment, I felt upset, but even more I felt comfort through the familiarity of it. Everything I had learned was confirmed to be true. It was like everything clicked into place and the cycle continued.

 

Not once, until I met my ex-fiancé, did I ever want to have sex. I wanted the comfort of being abused, I wanted to make people happy and be loved.

 

In my life, I was traumatized over and over and over and over and he capitalized on it. He knew, he knew everything. Every detail. Aside from my doctors, he was the first and last person I told everything to. When I left him, he threatened to kill me, kill himself and stalked me. He was always abusive. I had so many coping mechanisms to get through that period in my life. Yes, I “consented” but there were so many reasons behind it. None of which were because I wanted to be there, and he knew that. Is it really consent if you don't even know what consent truly means?

 

 

• From birth I was conditioned to act and respond a certain way, being sexual was the only way I knew how to connect with another human.
  

 

• The relationship that I had with my ex-boyfriend was the best relationship I had with another human at that point. I didn’t want to lose that and I believed if I didn’t do what he wanted I would. Confirmed by words from his mouth.
  

 

• My ex kept me quite isolated from friends, other than his friends. I didn’t tell anyone so no one was there to say it wasn’t normal. I wanted to have relationships with other people, and what was the only way I knew how to do that… sex.
  

 

• I believed that sex = love, far more than your typical teenage. Not even in the same galaxy as a typical teenager. Words and actions meant nothing, sexuality meant love.
  

 

• I was taught that if I were good/well-behaved the abuse wouldn’t have to happen. I desperately wanted to be good enough, every time I had sex with someone and he was gentle or praised me for it, that satisfaction was met a little bit. It never lasted, and was few and far between, but I kept searching for it because if I figured it out the abuse would stop.
  

 

• I wanted to recreate the abuse I suffered as a child and make a different outcome, the outcome never changed but the desire didn’t stop. Being with my fiancé was the first time I felt that desire end.
  

 

• My mom killed herself because she felt like she had no control. Going along with it made me feel like I had control, so I wouldn’t end up like her. With a knife in my throat and 6' under.
  

 

• Choosing to have sex with whoever was a way of regaining control over my sexuality after it was ripped away from me.
  

 

• My ex was into drugs and if I had sex with certain people and did certain things, he got supplied. He reacted negatively when he didn't have drugs and I felt like I could control that reaction by doing this.
  

It is not something that you snap out of at a certain age. "Maturity" has absolutely nothing to do with it. At 18 these beliefs of it being normal had been intact for a very long time. They were stronger than ever. My brain was wired completely differently than yours. I got out, and you know what... I was lucky to get out because of lot of people don't. So many wind up being strippers or prostitutes. I got therapy, years and years of it. I came out on the other side, but I didn't even know there was another side. I have spent far more years believing sexual abuse is normal, than years knowing it is not. That is something you cannot comprehend.

 

So, forgive me for wanting to leave all that in my past. To never want to go there again out of fear that I'll forget there is something better. Out of fear of mentally reliving everything I have tried to forget. Out of desperation to be seen as me, not who I use to be. Once you know, you can never "un-know". I don’t see myself as a victim anymore, and I never want to be viewed that way again. If my ex-fiance knew, he would always be wondering what will trigger me or bother me, what I'm thinking. It's easier for me if it was never a thought for him. It was a long, painful, hard road to close that chapter of my life, and I wanted to leave it closed.

 

When you tell me that I should have known better, you are calling me stupid. By calling me stupid you bring up those feelings of worthlessness and deserving to be abused. I can handle it, but maybe someone else can't and that can be very dangerous.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

An actual update to my situation is posted directly below this post.

[Gibrale]

-----------------------------------------

Another update is directly above this post.

-----------------------------------------

It has been 4 weeks. He still doesn’t want to be with me, and won’t talk to me about it. He has done a couple of things recently that have really confused me about his intentions. I want to hope that he just needs time, but I’m not optimistic. I’m heartbroken, but the heartbreak I have for my son is even worse. A few nights ago, he said he didn’t want any Christmas presents he just wanted his dad back. My ex-fiancé wants to be in his life, but it should be all in or nothing. He said he wants to sit down and talk, but made it clear that it was only about my son not us.

 

I get it… it looks bad on him for being with me and his family would never approve, or understand. It makes him look bad for not knowing, though no one who wasn’t involved knew. It could potentially affect his life if it came out in the wrong way. He’s worked hard to be where he is. He shouldn’t waste that on me.

 

He said he doesn’t love me anymore and never loved me, only who he thought I was. I wish he would just let me try and explain, but it’s all excuses to him. I still want to be with him and marry him. He’s probably never coming back. He won’t hear me out. I sent him a long email, but I don’t think he even read it.

 

He’s a musician, he’s been serious about it for around 17 years. He has a YouTube channel that he’s been very successful with, he’s done collabs with some of the biggest YouTube musicians and done shows with them. He’s worked hard to get there. Recently he posted a new video, which was a re-recording of a song he wrote for me/about us a long time ago. It wasn’t one that he put days and days of work into. So, it’s not like he had made plans weeks ago to post it. The emotion was just different, though. Like it was a sad song rather than a happy one. With around 70K views the top comment said the same. Why would he post that? He already had a video for that song posted, he didn’t spend a lot of time working on it like he usually does. It was more “raw” I guess. He has a schedule of what he does written out ahead of time.

 

The day before posting that he texted me and said “Don’t let go” but wouldn’t respond and hasn’t said anything since. He won't respond to me at all.

 

How long am I supposed to have hope before trying to move on? Hoping for him to come back is killing me.

[BluesPower]

I for one figured that this was the type of abuse that you suffered.

 

The fact that you are as far along as you are in your recovery in really a miracle.

 

As all your therapists have told you, none of the abuse was your fault, ever.

 

I know you are hurting over your F, but not even that is your fault. It does not make any of it better of course. I am not sure that he was ever a strong enough man to love you the way that you need to be loved.

 

One day, I think you will find a man that is strong enough, wise enough, and loving enough to love you will all his heart. He will be strong enough to protect you from people like your ex. And, he may be wise enough to see the real you and love that person with all his heart.

 

You hold your head high regardless of what happens with your xF in the future. The fact that you are as together of a young woman as you are is something that you should really be proud of.

 

God Bless you...

[doyathinkso]

You said ... "The day before posting that he texted me and said “Don’t let go” ".

 

I agree, don't let go, not yet anyways. He still has a lot to process.

 

Is he aware of this thread? Has he read it? Perhaps he should. It might ... might ... help him to process his feelings.

 

Don't let go, not yet anyways.

 

And, if he after all is said and done does not come back then perhaps the reason he was in your life for a time was to show you that things can be different. That there is hope for a better future for you out there. That you do matter and that you can be loved.

 

Don't let go.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I have a different view. I don't think your fiancé deserves you. You are an amazing woman for having gone through what you did and emerged on the other side, eloquent, strong, self-aware, a good mom. If he can't love you and be proud of who you are, he does not deserve you. Now, I know he did not know all the details of your past until recently, but surely he was aware of some aspects, like your mom's suicide or that your ex is a dick. His response to the video in my opinion was very telling of a lack of empathy, and his unwillingness to even talk to you after is cruel. It may be a lot to process but given where you've been, I think you need and deserve someone stronger, who can handle it without judgement or worrying about his reputation. I don't think he is the man YOU thought he was, and one day you will realize how lucky you were to find that out before you married him.

[MJJean]

So, you were abused. Yes, I get it. How do I get it? BTDT. 9 years of my childhood were spent being regularly sexually abused. My mother had so many suicide attempts that I lost count. If all we got was shoved into walls or thrown around, it was a good day. The males of my family didn't even approve of women reading too much because it gives them "ideas". A woman's value was in her ability to keep a clean home, cook, tend babies, and screw.

 

Your long post explains where your head was and why. You thought you found love. You thought you could finally control something...anything...in your life. Oh, yes, I get that, too.

 

None of it changes the fact that, for your own reasons, you consented to group sex, allowed it to be filmed, and concealed that past from someone you were going to marry.

 

You are aware that you will be affected by your past for the rest of your life. I'm older than you and I can say for certain that some of the effects may not manifest for years.

 

Considering how intertwined on all levels spouses are, what has happened to you will effect whoever you marry. The extent may vary, but your past affects you and therefore will affect your spouse. Entering into a long term relationship leading to marriage without disclosure is ethically and morally wrong.

 

Have you seen the movie Suicide Squad? I watched last night and was struck by a line. Harley Quinn says that people like them don't get normal. And it's true. People like us don't get "normal". We can have something close to it, but we can never have "normal" because we aren't "normal". We're the people bad things happened to and that will be affected by those things to some extent or another until the day we die. That's the cards we were dealt and have to play.

 

Your exfiance is absolutely correct. He didn't love you. Hell, he didn't even know you. You didn't trust him enough to let him know you. He knew some of you, but not all. And what he didn't know was the kind of information that can ruin lives. Don't you think he had the right to know the truth before committing to you for life?

 

Informed consent is a big deal, especially for those who have had their choice and voice taken from them. How could you look at that man, love him, and then take away ability to make an informed decision?

 

When DH and I were dating it became serious fast. Once I realized we were seriously contemplating spending our lives together, I knew I had to tell him. So, I did. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had. I was head over heels in love with a man who grew up in an entirely different world and I was terrified. Which says a lot because not much scares me.

 

Much like what is advised when a spouse cheats, I let him control the flow of information. He knows the generalities (my age when it began and ended, that it was frequent, that there was PIV, oral, etc. and how I coped), but no blow by blow accounts of any particular instance of abuse.

 

In my childhood and adolescence, I'd heard people talking about sex like it was awesome. I decided young that I wasn't going to let my abusers take away my God given right to enjoy consensual sex. I was promiscuous in my youth because I was busy really enjoying consensual sex. DH knows that, too.

 

Your situation is different because of the pics and videos, the group activity, etc. You can't control the flow of information. What you can do is be honest in serious relationships going forward. Not all men can cope with being the partner of a woman who was a victim of CSA. And that's ok because those men aren't compatible with you, anyway.

 

If you and exfiance can work it out, great. If not, my advice to you going forward is to own your past. Really, truly, own it.

 

"I was a victim of CSA and other abuse. I was in a mentally dark place during my youth and made some poor choices as a result. I participated in group sex and allowed it to be filmed because I thought that behaving that way would earn me love and allow me to be in control. I was wrong. I deeply regret my choices. That kind of lifestyle has no appeal to me. I am not that person." The end. Take it or leave it.

[understand50]

Gibrale,

 

I do hope for the best for you. Maybe he is reevaluating his feeling for you. The fact of your POS Ex, may in time bring him around. I do hope and advise, if you have other prospects, that he does not keep you on a shelf, why you wait. That would not be fair, and not healthy for you. I think you have been dealt a bad hand, and this is one situation, where one does not have a good answer or advise. My only one, is honesty, and communication. I think he will come around, and if you can explain, that may be enough. As for his family, look men marry women all that time that their family do not approve of. I hope for the best for you, and I wish you luck to make it happen.

[Cephalopod]

The only bad guy in this whole situation is the loser ex-boyfriend. He is scum of the earth who should be hunted down and thrown in a hanging cage to spend the rest of his life talking to birds.

 

The ex-fiancee is not a bad guy, or a loser, or lacking in empathy or strength. He is not cruel. He reacted like most guys in that position would react. He is confused, and hurt and unsure of what to do or what he wants.

 

Her best bet is to wait. Not forever, but for a while, to see if he comes around and misses her enough to want to be with her again.

[BetrayedH]

I think your ex-F needs to read what you've written here. That's powerful stuff.

 

It seems to me like your ex-F wants to dictate how he will be involved in your son's life. Frankly, I would take advantage of that.

 

In a firm tone, I would say something like, "Look, you can't be in and out of my son's life. He sees you as his Dad. He calls you Dad. There can be no more mixed messages. If you want to continue to have a relationship with him, you're going to have to have a reasonable relationship with me. And that begins with a heart-to-heart conversation. Frankly, I need you to sit down and listen. I need to be heard. If you can do that, then we can talk about how to move forward amiably, whether it is as a couple or not. If you can't give me the respect of that basic conversation, then there's clearly no way we can amiably navigate the difficulties of your relationship with my son. I'm his mother. Having a respectful and open-minded conversation with me is the minimum price of admission into my son's life."

 

If he can do that, then I think the door is open to you being heard.

 

If he can't do that, then he's an unreasonable sh/t that doesn't need to be in your lives at all. Your son is young and he'll adapt more quickly than you expect.

[HereNorThere]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, OP. Some of us were also victims of childhood trauma and definitely empathize with you on that front. I hope that you find peace in this lifetime.

 

As far as the boyfriend, you and I both know what it's like to experience sexually traumatic events. As a male a few years older and more partners on my count than both of you combined, I would still have the same reaction as him. There's just no way you can "unsee" something like that. It's a truly tragic event for both of you. I'm sure his lack of partners and experience played a role in the level of hurt and disgust he feels, but I'm the literal opposite of him and I wouldn't be able to get past it either. I hope you understand that it's nothing personal with you, it's a primal part of the male brain. People on this thread seem to think he has a choice in his reaction, but that's simply not the case.

 

There's a reason a lot of guys do not ask for your count. If you research "mind movies" on this forum, you'll get a glimpse into how traumatic it can be for some guys to even imagine their partner with someone else. And he didn't imagine it, he saw it with his own eyes. Once the seed has been planted, it just grows and grows until it becomes an obsessive, intrusive thought that will never leave you. I've dealt with these thoughts before and know what my triggers are. To be honest, I really do not know a lot of men outside of the swinger/poly lifestyle that could see that and continue the relationship.

 

I work in information security and can tell you first hand that his fears of the video surfacing online are not unfounded. Due to the nature of the Internet, the truth is that they are already on it. They may not be posted to a public forum, but they are on a computer, cloud storage, hard drive, or smart phone and those things are on the Internet. I can imagine the other guys wanted copies as well, so it's safe to say it's somewhere out there. All it takes is one of owners to have a weak password, lose a device, get hacked, etc and it's viral. Since it happened 10 years ago, chances are it's already made the rounds and has been replaced. I also know that a lot of private sites require the submission of original material to get membership. And lastly, most of the creeps I know trade thes things like baseball cards. They aren't going to share theirs until he shares his type of thing.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it, but this is truly the best for both of you in a lot of ways. You shouldn't have to keep paying a price for something you did at 18. He shouldn't have to spend the rest of his life being reminded of this trauma. And if you really think about it, things would only have been worse if this happened later in your relationship.

 

I do hope you find peace, OP. Time really does heal all wounds. I'm not sure how you can deal with this in your next relationship, but surely there is a way you can be upfront without being too graphic. Explain you were a victim of revenge porn previously, make sure that delete any and all social media accounts and never, ever, let him know your new partner's name. I'm also not convinced that there isn't some sort of legal action you couldn't take against him with the right attorneys. I also know there are a few groups online that could help you, but I would be worried about shaking the hornet's nest and making things worse. Still, I hack for a living. There's no way I could just let it go without a fight. If there's a technical question I can answer for you, please feel free to PM.

Edited December 16, 2016 by HereNorThere