My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[IfonlyIknew]

OP ~ You are being extremely hard on yourself. You've been through a lot and are strong enough not to place blame in others and not play the victim but really you are the victim here. You are not who you used to be. It's clear you were young and vulnerable. Your fiancé is showing a sign of weakness, can you two bend with out breaking? This is a huge test. We ALL have a past and there is nothing we can do about it. Love is accepting one another, not judge each other.

[eightytwenty]

First I'm so sorry about you're past!

 

 

I wonder if you knew, if you told him your past, you knew he was going to leave? Why would you not tell him? I guess I would of told him, if it was me, so if it ever came up he would know, and maybe perhaps saving him from seeing stuff like that.

While I feel horrible for you, I feel horrible for your fiancé to find out like that.

 

 

Both sides are sad, while I feel more for you, if I was in his shoes I would do the same. You can't blame him, but all you can do now is to get happy and be there for your son.

[Gibrale]

I know that it was horrific for my ex-fiance to find out that way and to see that. I have never cared about his sexual past, 4 compared to 22 is nothing. But I wouldn't like to see it either. I know he has never done anything like what I have done. Even just seeing him have "normal" sex with another woman would be hard to get over and impossible to get the image out of my head.

 

I don't blame him for being hurt and leaving because of what he saw. I'm hurt by how quickly he walked away, without thought. That he removed me from social media, won't talk to me at all to try and work through it. He was ready to commit to "till death do us part", but didn't need a second to think about leaving. I'm hurt that he's hurting. I feel like a horrible person for letting this happen to him. I miss everything about him and our relationship.

 

I didn't tell him because I wanted to forget about it. I went through a lot of therapy after I got pregnant and worked really hard to not let it take over my life. It is something I have always kept very private and I wanted it to stay that way. By telling people it felt like it was something that would never go away. I wanted it buried and forever out of my mind. When no one knows it is easier to forget because it never comes up and I knew they were never even thinking about it.

 

He's not a terrible person, he's not immature or weak. He's a human being with his own set of feelings that he's entitled to. He showed up to my sons soccer game today, because he knew it would mean a lot to my son. We didn't speak, he just looked at me. He wanted nothing more than for my ex-boyfriend to sign away his parental rights and adopt my son.

 

I hate my ex-boyfriend for doing it. I hate that he continues to make my life difficult. I hate him for being a dead-beat and taking away the only dad my son has known. I hate that my entire teenage years were spent on him and ruined. I hate that I spent years working to get over it and when I'm finally happy he throws it back in my face. Seeing that video hasn't been easy for me either. I wish more than anything that I had my ex-fiance here with me. When things are ****ty, he's who I want there for me. I knew videos were made, I didn't like it and didn't want them made but I knew about them. For a long time I worried that he'd show people or make them public. I never watched them because I didn't want to see what I was doing.

 

I've never been into sex with multiple partners, or half the other things I did. I grew up watching my dad beat and rape my mom, in front of me. I hid in closets so I didn't have to see and he'd pull me out and tell me to watch so I would "learn a woman's role". Everything he said went. If she wanted or needed anything he forced her to do things for him first. I knew it was wrong, but it was what I was raised seeing. I knew it was wrong, but I saw it as normal.

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend I didn't even know what group sex was. Sex wasn't on my radar. The first time we had sex he said he wanted to, I said I didn't but it happened anyway. After that it was history. I said no, he said yes. He'd pull down my pants without asking and I just froze. It turned into the same scenario of, whatever he said went. He never pinned me down or beat me, but regardless I was scared and felt like I didn't have a voice.

 

A lot of it I don't remember because I blocked it out. As hard as I try to forget, seeing that video brings it all back. Thinking about things I've done, makes me sick. I never wanted to be a woman with a lot of sexual partners, even now I don't. Outside of who I had sex with in that relationship, and my ex-fiance, I have never gone looking for sex. I hate myself for ever doing it. I should have put my foot down. I didn't. And I do own that decision. I didn't come here saying, "my fiance saw me being raped and left me".

[William]

Folks after a lot of clean up on this thread I want to remind everyone choosing to participate on this thread of our policy on civility and respect and that the intent behind Loveshack.org is to promote collaboration and support for those seeking advice here.

 

If you do not have that ability, or do not wish to assist the OP you are strongly encouraged to move on to another thread that is more agreeable to you without comment. Failure to do so of your own accord will require assistance from moderation through loss of free posting privileges. ~T

 

Note: For the purposes of furthering her explanation, OPs response to some deleted posts has been left above although a little out of context.

[Jersey born raised]

Good for you coming back and posting. Did you review the links I suggested?

[benpom]

I am so sorry this happened.

 

One thing I am a little confused about is: why does the fiance think she enjoyed it? Did he get this impression from the video? or it this his imagination?

 

Either way, sex life in a relationship is too important to endure this sort of damage. Really sounds like game over, unfortunately.

Edited December 3, 2016 by benpom

[Gibrale]

I am so sorry this happened.

 

One thing I am a little confused about is: why does the fiance think she enjoyed it? Did he get this impression from the video? or it this his imagination?

 

Either way, sex life in a relationship is too important to endure this sort of damage. Really sounds like game over, unfortunately.

 

The way he saw it: There wasn't a gun to my head and I wasn't held down screaming. I stayed in one open position the entire time and wasn't forced there. I was being penetrated and giving oral at the same time. I was moaning and had an orgasm so I clearly liked it. I let them come on me, something he has never done.

 

The way it really was: There wasn't a gun to my head, I wasn't held down or beaten, I didn't have to be. I didn't feel like there was any other choice. I didn't fight being in that position because it meant I didn't have to look at their faces and could pretend I was somewhere else. I blanked out many times and if I did all I thought was when it would be over, if I was going to catch something, how much I hated it. I moaned, quiet and fake, because it ended sooner if I did. The only time the moaning was real was when I had an orgasm, which didn't happen often and only when it lasted a long time. It was just a physical response. I would blank out and would be pulled back right when I had an orgasm. It was horrible and I hated it. I didn't have a say in anything. It had been happening for 4 years, I knew the drill.

 

IMO, it really didn't look like someone who was enjoying themselves and into it. I was just there for somewhere for them to stick their d**ks into. But he saw 4 people inside of me and made his decision.

 

He has made his mind up, I doubt he will ever come back. I know walking away is hard for him too. I'd do anything to go back and do things right. I had a tiny glimmer of hope when he showed up to my sons soccer game today but it wasn't for me.

[40somethingGuy]

I know that it was horrific for my ex-fiance to find out that way and to see that. I have never cared about his sexual past, 4 compared to 22 is nothing. But I wouldn't like to see it either. I know he has never done anything like what I have done. Even just seeing him have "normal" sex with another woman would be hard to get over and impossible to get the image out of my head.

 

I don't blame him for being hurt and leaving because of what he saw. I'm hurt by how quickly he walked away, without thought. That he removed me from social media, won't talk to me at all to try and work through it. He was ready to commit to "till death do us part", but didn't need a second to think about leaving. I'm hurt that he's hurting. I feel like a horrible person for letting this happen to him. I miss everything about him and our relationship.

 

I didn't tell him because I wanted to forget about it. I went through a lot of therapy after I got pregnant and worked really hard to not let it take over my life. It is something I have always kept very private and I wanted it to stay that way. By telling people it felt like it was something that would never go away. I wanted it buried and forever out of my mind. When no one knows it is easier to forget because it never comes up and I knew they were never even thinking about it.

 

He's not a terrible person, he's not immature or weak. He's a human being with his own set of feelings that he's entitled to. He showed up to my sons soccer game today, because he knew it would mean a lot to my son. We didn't speak, he just looked at me. He wanted nothing more than for my ex-boyfriend to sign away his parental rights and adopt my son.

 

I hate my ex-boyfriend for doing it. I hate that he continues to make my life difficult. I hate him for being a dead-beat and taking away the only dad my son has known. I hate that my entire teenage years were spent on him and ruined. I hate that I spent years working to get over it and when I'm finally happy he throws it back in my face. Seeing that video hasn't been easy for me either. I wish more than anything that I had my ex-fiance here with me. When things are ****ty, he's who I want there for me. I knew videos were made, I didn't like it and didn't want them made but I knew about them. For a long time I worried that he'd show people or make them public. I never watched them because I didn't want to see what I was doing.

 

I've never been into sex with multiple partners, or half the other things I did. I grew up watching my dad beat and rape my mom, in front of me. I hid in closets so I didn't have to see and he'd pull me out and tell me to watch so I would "learn a woman's role". Everything he said went. If she wanted or needed anything he forced her to do things for him first. I knew it was wrong, but it was what I was raised seeing. I knew it was wrong, but I saw it as normal.

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend I didn't even know what group sex was. Sex wasn't on my radar. The first time we had sex he said he wanted to, I said I didn't but it happened anyway. After that it was history. I said no, he said yes. He'd pull down my pants without asking and I just froze. It turned into the same scenario of, whatever he said went. He never pinned me down or beat me, but regardless I was scared and felt like I didn't have a voice.

 

A lot of it I don't remember because I blocked it out. As hard as I try to forget, seeing that video brings it all back. Thinking about things I've done, makes me sick. I never wanted to be a woman with a lot of sexual partners, even now I don't. Outside of who I had sex with in that relationship, and my ex-fiance, I have never gone looking for sex. I hate myself for ever doing it. I should have put my foot down. I didn't. And I do own that decision. I didn't come here saying, "my fiance saw me being raped and left me".

 

I know you have tried but have you had a chance to explain this? Since he won't take calls apparently all you need to do is pretty much copy and paste this as a letter and send it to him. I would think he would read it. I think you are compelling because you show tremendous empathy although you in return received none. If he doesn't reply then there is your answer. If he does, then a good dialogue can happen and hopefully heal.

[lolablue17]

I did speak to a lawyer, and he said that there isn't a lot I can do because I knew those videos were being taken, agreed to it, and agreed to leave them in my ex's possession. Any fight would be long, expensive and not a good chance of winning.

 

WHAT???!!!!

 

Go to see a real lawyer, not an impostor. The lawsuit is only the second thing you will do. The first thing to do is to go to the police (With your lawyer).

 

You have the right to film private sex tapes of yourself, or to let your bf filming you, and still being protected by the law. Your ex made a serious offense, and he broke the law. He exposed your most private nude\sex videos, and deliberately caused you damage.

 

The law protects you, and allow you to:

 

1. Get a court warrant forbiding him doing this in the future ever again.

2. press charges for his criminal actions till now.

3. file a lawsuit for millions of dollars which you have 99% to win.

 

Go to a real lawyer quickly. The next mail\text to your fiance is you asking him to help you and to testify about what happened. Your basic human rights were severely violated!

[doyathinkso]

WHAT???!!!!

 

Go to see a real lawyer, not an impostor. The lawsuit is only the second thing you will do. The first thing to do is to go to the police (With your lawyer).

 

You have the right to film private sex tapes of yourself, or to let your bf filming you, and still being protected by the law. Your ex made a serious offense, and he broke the law. He exposed your most private nude\sex videos, and deliberately caused you damage.

 

The law protects you, and allow you to:

 

1. Get a court warrant forbiding him doing this in the future ever again.

2. press charges for his criminal actions till now.

3. file a lawsuit for millions of dollars which you have 99% to win.

 

Go to a real lawyer quickly. The next mail\text to your fiance is you asking him to help you and to testify about what happened. Your basic human rights were severely violated!

 

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BetrayedH]

Some states have revenge porn laws, some don't. They are becoming more prevalent to deal with situations like the OP's. While a second opinion might be merited (I would certainly try) and I would specifically ask about revenge porn statutes, the reality is that the OP may not have a case if there's nothing yet on the books in her state. There's no doubt that it sucks but it may be a reality that she has to accept.

 

OP, the one thing that I would recommend is to (eventually) communicate to your ex-fiance that he's either going to have to be a regular participant in your son's life, or he isn't. Your son doesn't deserve to have a "father" that only comes around when it's convenient for him and that never speaks to Mom.

 

For what it's worth, I also agree with the heart-felt letter that describes what you have described here - a woman that repeatedly went through a traumatic event and tried to block it out. I also think that you should express your empathy for his position, again just as you have done here. He will either soften his position or he won't. But I think you should make it clear that if he won't, then he cannot continue entering and exiting your son's life and that while you'll understand, you will need to go your separate directions.

 

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Please don't beat yourself up too badly for things that happened so many years ago during your youth. You didn't hurt anyone by doing those things, except perhaps yourself. That's not much of a crime on your part. If there was a victim, it was you. Don't victimize yourself over it again.

 

And for what it's worth, I do think that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. Because of your ex, you'll just have to be proactive about telling this story once things get serious. You are clearly a well-spoken and good young woman. I think the vast majority of men would readily understand. And frankly, if the exBF came around after that with his videos, they'd probably hand his ass to him.

 

This relationship may be done and I don't blame you much for not sharing your past with him in advance. You had no idea your exBF would do this. Lesson learned, the hard way. But your life is not over and you can find another happy relationship again. Keep your chin up.

[BTDT2012]

To the OP, my heart hurts for you. Your ex, father of your son is in fact a monster. I would like to take a 2x4 to his head. I hope you will investigate further the possibility of taking legal action against him? Also, cut ties with people who will provide information about you to him. Is there any way that you can relocate without letting him know where you are?

 

I don't blame him for being hurt and leaving because of what he saw. I'm hurt by how quickly he walked away, without thought. That he removed me from social media, won't talk to me at all to try and work through it. He was ready to commit to "till death do us part", but didn't need a second to think about leaving. I'm hurt that he's hurting. I feel like a horrible person for letting this happen to him. I miss everything about him and our relationship.

 

You are not a horrible person. If ex-fiancee never comes back, at some point you will meet someone else who is able to handle your past . And now you know that you will have to disclose the existence of the videos and how they came to be.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Cephalopod]

Gibrale I feel terrible for you and I do hope that you find a new man who will accept your past and love you regardless.

 

As for the ex-fiancee, I take issue with the way many posters are castigating this man. This is a guy who's view of the woman he loved and his view of all things good in the world was rocked by the pictures and videos he saw. I have a bit of news for you all: probably 75% of men in his same position, seeing what he saw, would have reacted exactly the same way.

 

No matter how much he loved her, no matter how well matched they were, no matter how honest she was with him after the revelation... he was under no obligation whatsoever to follow through with the marriage.

 

Engagement is essentially a waiting period...a prolonged job interview...where a couple sorts out whether or not they are compatible to make it through the long haul. Each person is entitled to his and her standards of what they expect and are willing to tolerate going forward. He decided that he did not want to be married to a woman who had this type of sexual past,..regardless of whether she was coerced or forced into doing the things she did. He has no obligation to overlook it or accept it, and not doing so does not make him less of a man.

[lolablue17]

Some states have revenge porn laws, some don't. They are becoming more prevalent to deal with situations like the OP's. While a second opinion might be merited (I would certainly try) and I would specifically ask about revenge porn statutes, the reality is that the OP may not have a case if there's nothing yet on the books in her state. There's no doubt that it sucks but it may be a reality that she has to accept.

 

You're right about the revenge porn law, but publishing people's nude photos without their consent is illegal by other laws. It may be allowed in places like some primitive villages in Pakistan, never in a civil place.

[Wade Lamare]

Glad you're back Gibrale.

 

I know you've been dealt a nasty spiteful blow by your abusive ex but if you really love your fiancé you might have to fight for him.

 

The fact that he saw your son at the footy match is encouraging news to me.

 

Fight for him, I suggest doing as 40Something and Betrayed have suggested and write him that heartfelt letter.

 

Ask him if he could see his way to continue to see your lad for a while and perhaps gradually tail off his visits.

 

Has he seen how upset you are? I'm not suggesting you do it deliberately but a woman's tears and sorrow are powerful voodoo for most men.

 

Did you make any contact with him at the footy?

 

You've got nothing to lose by trying.

[LargoLagg]

You're right about the revenge porn law, but publishing people's nude photos without their consent is illegal by other laws. It may be allowed in places like some primitive villages in Pakistan, never in a civil place.

Actually, it varies by state, and each state may have different and multiple remedies, some civil, some criminal. Some states don't have the right laws to combat this at all. The state she lives in is all important, assuming he lives in the same state. Federal law will probably not apply to this personal injury.

[lolablue17]

Actually, it varies by state, and each state may have different and multiple remedies, some civil, some criminal. Some states don't have the right laws to combat this at all. The state she lives in is all important, assuming he lives in the same state. Federal law will probably not apply to this personal injury.

 

I don't know the law, I'm speaking only in the name of my common sence. Are you saying that there is at least one state in the US, that allows to share private sex videos without an explicit consent of the people who participate in the video?

 

I can't imagine in my dreams that there is one place in the world which allows this. Do you know that when they interview people on video for any purpose (not only commercial TV) even if they ask you only "Do you love America" and you answer "YES", they have to get your written signature IN PAPER to publish your answer in any media? That even when you agreed to cooperate, you're fully clothed, and the purpose is very innocent. If they do it without you're signature you can sue them.

 

It's not only nude photos or video. If she had a bf and she shared with him details about her medical condition, he is not alloed to share any detail (even the most tiny one) with ANYONE! If he does, she can sue him without the need to prove any damage.

 

Any person has the right for privacy about his\her body\health\sex life, and that privilege is 100% complete and undeniable. That's been said without knowing the law in any specific state.

Edited December 3, 2016 by lolablue17

[BetrayedH]

There are 34 states (plus DC) that have laws against the distribution of sexual images without the person's consent. That means that there are 16 where they don't.

[eightytwenty]

If she was younger than 18 that's child porn that guy is sharing correct?

[lolablue17]

If she was younger than 18 that's child porn that guy is sharing correct?

 

Of course! But someone here may say that there are some states where it's allowed :eek:

 

I can assure the OP! The prohibition to share this kind of stuff without consent comes directly from the constitution. You don't need a special law for that.

[BetrayedH]

If she was younger than 18 that's child porn that guy is sharing correct?

 

She's already said she was 18 when they were filmed.

[aliveagain]

I would be concerned with anyone that used something I did in a previous relationship that took place years before I met them as an excuse to break off our engagement. Not because you did these things but because he refuses to discuss them with you. Honesty is always the best policy when your in a serious relationship(actually any relationship). You can't hold something like that against someone specially when they were so young and living in a different world. Give him space and if he choose to not speak with you just move on. You and your son deserve better because you can't change what has already happened, you can make sure that it never happens again. That's why many people use prenuptial agreements if they have such concerns.

[BetrayedH]

Of course! But someone here may say that there are some states where it's allowed :eek:

 

Yep. There are some states where the age of consent is 16, although I'm pretty sure there are federal laws that require porn actors to be 18. Not sure if that would apply here, although it is irrelevant since she was 18+ at the time.

 

[]

Edited December 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted rude content ~6

[tojaz]

Of course! But someone here may say that there are some states where it's allowed :eek:

 

I can assure the OP! The prohibition to share this kind of stuff without consent comes directly from the constitution. You don't need a special law for that.

 

 

Pretty sure LS isn't limited only to the US. She can be posting from anywhere in the world where laws aren't as protective in these situations, if they exist at all.

[aliveagain]

Find out if your lawyer can put him on notice that he can no longer distribute video's of you without your written consent. I would find out if You can get a restraining order against him because of the damage he has caused you and your son. You can make his life very difficult, he is a very foolish and stupid man.