My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[thickburger]

Yes, it pays to be careful.

 

But I think there is a world of difference between someone nefariously recording someone for criminal purposes and a young single woman protecting herself from an already proven abusive person.

 

Of course the law doesn't always differentiate like that so it would be worthwhile gaining some advice.

 

Perhaps one of the groups that help to protect single women from abusive exes may be able to help?

 

Also, as you say it's not every state, some afaik, say that providing one party is privy to the recording it's ok. And of course that one person is you!

 

 

This - Wish it was black and white sometimes. I sympathize for the OP.

[BluesPower]

You are right for Florida, it is a consent start.

 

The 10 states out of 50 are California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington.

 

So unless you live in one of these 10 states it is fine to record your conversations.

 

That is quite restrictive BTW. One party consent should be good enough for anyone, in terms of the US Constitution IMHO.

[RecentChange]

Not actually correct, it is legal in almost all states for you to record a conversation that you are involved in, permission or no.

 

It is illegal in most states to record a conversation that you are not involved in.

 

So, in her case, when she is talking to him and she records it, that is fine.

 

In California absolutely not legal. This was hammered into us during our classes regarding data collection while getting my sociology degree. You may not voice record someone without their consent. Unless they are in a public space, like speaking in a town square.

 

Surveillance cameras do not voice record in California for this reason. It's legal to have a camera on a bus for example, but it is illegal to voice record without consent.

[Wade Lamare]

So do you think that providing it is legal, and providing he did make some kind of threat/demand that he would do the same again if she tried to get married or otherwise serious with some guy that it would constitute some form of blackmail?

[Gibrale]

I did speak to a lawyer, and he said that there isn't a lot I can do because I knew those videos were being taken, agreed to it, and agreed to leave them in my ex's possession. Any fight would be long, expensive and not a good chance of winning. I was 18 and I know that for sure, I know the timing of it all. He said we could do a no contact order (unless it pertains to my son directly), but that's pointless now. He has never really contacted me unless it is about my son and never contacted my ex-fiance.

 

I didn't even know that he still had those videos... and I know there is more than one. I hate even thinking about that part of my life, seeing it and reliving it again has been really hard.

 

My ex has never said anything about them. He's never hinted that he had them. When he found out that I was dating my (now ex) fiance he didn't seem to care much. He was a bit pissed off, but no where near the level of expecting this. More like hurt or jealousy than actual anger/hate. It was dropped quickly and never brought up. We don't talk often. Unless he is going to use his visitation time, we don't talk. I have stopped inviting him to school events, sports, etc.

 

I have only had relationships with my ex-boyfriend and ex-fiance. There was a 6 year gap between. I have never had to deal with my ex-boyfriend doing this with another guy, and never want to again.

 

I've never had to tell anyone about my past, I didn't know how to tell him. I wanted to leave it in the past. I didn't think it would be this big of a deal if he did find out. Maybe it wouldn't have been if he didn't see that video. He said he'd never ask and my past didn't matter, but he had no idea what was in my past...

 

I hate my ex and I hate that he is going to stay in my life. Even though his visitation is supervised, I still get sick to my stomach when I have to send my son with him. When I got pregnant, I wished that someone else was the father. Anyone else would be better. 8 more years until my son can legally say he never wants to see him again.

[Wade Lamare]

I did speak to a lawyer, and he said that there isn't a lot I can do because I knew those videos were being taken, agreed to it, and agreed to leave them in my ex's possession. Any fight would be long, expensive and not a good chance of winning. I was 18 and I know that for sure, I know the timing of it all. He said we could do a no contact order (unless it pertains to my son directly), but that's pointless now. He has never really contacted me unless it is about my son and never contacted my ex-fiance.

 

I didn't even know that he still had those videos... and I know there is more than one. I hate even thinking about that part of my life, seeing it and reliving it again has been really hard.

 

My ex has never said anything about them. He's never hinted that he had them. When he found out that I was dating my (now ex) fiance he didn't seem to care much. He was a bit pissed off, but no where near the level of expecting this. More like hurt or jealousy than actual anger/hate. It was dropped quickly and never brought up. We don't talk often. Unless he is going to use his visitation time, we don't talk. I have stopped inviting him to school events, sports, etc.

 

I have only had relationships with my ex-boyfriend and ex-fiance. There was a 6 year gap between. I have never had to deal with my ex-boyfriend doing this with another guy, and never want to again.

 

I've never had to tell anyone about my past, I didn't know how to tell him. I wanted to leave it in the past. I didn't think it would be this big of a deal if he did find out. Maybe it wouldn't have been if he didn't see that video. He said he'd never ask and my past didn't matter, but he had no idea what was in my past...

 

I hate my ex and I hate that he is going to stay in my life. Even though his visitation is supervised, I still get sick to my stomach when I have to send my son with him. When I got pregnant, I wished that someone else was the father. Anyone else would be better. 8 more years until my son can legally say he never wants to see him again.

 

How do you think he will react to your news? Will this be enough 'justification' for him, enough payback?

 

My point wasn't so much about the video, it was him possibly using that video to threaten or coerce you in some way.

 

"If you hook up with another guy I will show him the video so you'd better not."

[Mr. Lucky]

I've never had to tell anyone about my past, I didn't know how to tell him. .

 

Given all the possibilities today on the Internet, you'll have to rethink that. I can't tell you when it should come up in the conversation, but it's one you'll have to have with future BF's.

 

The upside in doing so is you take away this guy's power over you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[neowulf]

... I was dating my (now ex) fiance ...

 

I'm sorry it ended up terminating your relationship.

 

These things often show us the true strength or weakness of a relationship.

 

Perhaps it's better to just keep the ex in the dark from here on in. He doesn't have a right to know who you're seeing. It just gives him more opportunity to screw with you more in the future.

 

I wish you the best.

[Gibrale]

How do you think he will react to your news? Will this be enough 'justification' for him, enough payback?

 

My point wasn't so much about the video, it was him possibly using that video to threaten or coerce you in some way.

 

"If you hook up with another guy I will show him the video so you'd better not."

 

I don't know, and the thought of my son ever seeing it terrifies me. Kids in his class are already looking at porn... He's 8... He's very open and honest with me and thus far hasn't felt the need to hide things from me.

 

It does scare me that if I never see someone else, I don't know if I ever will... he'd do this again. Even if I told the new boyfriend, he could still send a video. Knowing is one thing, seeing your girlfriend/fiancee/wife with a group of guys is another..

 

He hasn't said anything since he sent that video. He asked how things were going and was very smug about it. But hasn't mentioned it directly. I can't really keep my whole life private from him, because he does find things out from common friends and my (our) son. I'd love to shut him out and forget about him entirely.

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Friskyone4u]

Gibrale

 

I'm not sure if you are going to be truthful with your common friends about why your fiancé and you are not together, , but I would tell them and if they are still friends with your ex then they need to be cut out of your life.

You also might want to see an attorney may because this is so terrible want

To represent you pro bono ( free), and just taking the ass hole to court and costing him a bunch in legal fees may teach him a lesson.

And now that you know what the creep will do at least in future relationships you may stay one step ahead of him

[Wade Lamare]

 

Even if I told the new boyfriend, he could still send a video. Knowing is one thing, seeing your girlfriend/fiancee/wife with a group of guys is another..

 

 

Yes, but forewarned is forearmed.

 

Personally I think there is a world of difference in my girlfriend explaining to me that she has an abusive ex who essentially forced her into being filmed and likes to show serious boyfriends/fiancés the video to try and break you up.

 

Compared to suddenly, completely out of the blue, being sent said video and seeing it without warning!

 

Not saying everyone will react in the way your fiancé did, everyone is different, but I think most guys will be all "yikes, why didn't she tell me."

[Friskyone4u]

Yes, but forewarned is forearmed.

 

Personally I think there is a world of difference in my girlfriend explaining to me that she has an abusive ex who essentially forced her into being filmed and likes to show serious boyfriends/fiancés the video to try and break you up.

 

Compared to suddenly, completely out of the blue, being sent said video and seeing it without warning!

 

Not saying everyone will react in the way your fiancé did, everyone is different, but I think most guys will be all "yikes, why didn't she tell me."

 

Gibrale

 

Read what Wade just wrote. Of course you have no way of knowing for sure how someone will react, but getting your side of the story out in a truthful way would seem to dramatically increase the odds of it not totally sabotaging the relationship. Some men would choose not to even look at it if they knew what was in it and why it was sent.

 

I'm still thinking some women's support group may be able to turn you on to some legal help that will bankrupt this ass hole and make him think twice about a stunt like this again.

 

And again, you really need to dig into who is your friend and who is his. Take my word for it, if he is this much of a pervert he may have shared this with some of the men friends already that you interact with.

 

Your friends need to know he is not to be given any information that injects him into your life.

[fenix]

OP, maybe is too much to ask, but what was your attitude in that video? If you were obviously not happy then I would agree that you should not be punished for being abused... but if you seemed to be enjoying it.. then the abuse story probably has not been accepted as an excuse by your fiance.

 

I don't have any problems about what my wife sexually did before me but I also have my own deal breakers...If my wife hided key information about her pass that would have been a deal breaker when I asked her to marry me I would be also very upset and I would also feel betrayed and leaded on. I probably would not leave her now (after 20 years together) but if it would have been before marrying her I would probably have stopped the wedding.

What I mean is that while your Fiance didn't want to know about your pass, you knew that he was a conservative man, very conservative with his view on sex too... you knew that what you did with your ex would be or could be a deal break for him.. and you decided to hide it... I understand him.

 

Now your Ex is a peace of $hit... Why don't you just go to the police and explain them the situation, it may be that they know how to help you with a guy like that. This can be seen as stalking you.

[SaveYourHeart]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have no idea how to fix anything, but if you want to get back at your ex, take a look and see how old you were in the video, if you were under 18, you can file charges for distribution of child pornography, and then your son will never have to see that monster again.

[understand50]

Gibrale,

 

Sorry, hope things get better. I think, to head this off int he future, you should have a time where you "confess" all when you get tot he same point again. (and you will) There is a loving spouse out there for you who will appreciate and love the person you have become, and not the young foolish girl you were.

 

I wish you luck......

[harrybrown]

too bad your ex finance did not go to counseling with you or let you write him a letter explaining everything.

 

go to counseling with your next boyfriend before any attack on your past.

 

Hope you and your son find some peace and happiness. Do something fun together.

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jersey born raised]

How old is the ex? What was the age difference? First you are a CSA victim. No state allows sexual relations with a 12 year old, regardless of the other persons age. Does he have videos or pictures of you at an earlier age? Perhaps 16? That is child porn and he can and will be arrested.

 

You said his visits are supervised. Why? Is there a reason for LE to look to put him away, regardless of the reason?

 

Finally have you had professional help?

 

I did a quick search for legal aid for CSA victims. It seems most states have a division. This link is to the first state to come up using Bing Crime Victims' Services Division - Get Legal Help. This one is for the national victim of crimes Help for Crime Victims

 

You have been a victim for over a decade, indeed your entire life. Reach out and own your self and not let others own you.

[40somethingGuy]

He doesn't want to be with me anymore... He came home, took the ring back, said I'm not who he agreed to marry and that he doesn't think of me the same anymore. He took his clothes and other stuff and left. He told at least one of his friends why he left, because I saw a facebook comment. Someone else made an unrelated post and this (best)friend commented saying "Next thing you know you find out your fiance banged a few dozen men and likes gang bangs like 'his name here'. The guy deleted it after but I still saw it.

 

It was 10 years ago... I was supposed to stay in the past. No one knew about it and that's how I wanted it. Now people do, and I have no clue how many.

 

I never wanted to do it. I was never into it. But because there wasn't a gun to my head in his eyes I did want to and that's what I'm into. He thinks I'd cheat on him. He thinks it's embarrassing being with someone with so many partners. Thinks he might know people who I slept with. Doesn't want to be married to a "porn star" as he put it.

 

My son thought of him as his dad. He's confused and hurt and I can't tell him the truth. I've always been honest with him. Anything that he has wanted to know he was told the truth.

 

Something that I wanted to forget about is going to follow me around forever. My ex continues to make my life hell. He gets 8 hours a month to visit our son, rarely shows up. He came this time and with a smug look asked how it was going. My son told me that his "dad" said he was going to be coming more and going back to court. So of course he's upset about that, he's a stranger to him.

 

Everything can come crashing down so fast...

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I was hoping we would read that he came back and realized that it wasn't like you were lying to him or cheating. That is MUCH worse. Unfortunately, video engrains memories in the head. Hearing you had sex b4 is not a big deal but watching another man inside the person you love and commit to is stomach turning. That said, I think your fiancé acted wrong and should have actually taken the opposite approach and consoled you. Your ex tried to humiliate you. He was successful because of your ex fiancé's reaction in leaving. Your ex fiancé should have considered this and really did not need to watch the videos as soon as it was just an attempt to humiliate you. If you were caught in the present with another guy/guys then he would be completely justified. I do hope you get therapy for the sex abuse issues you had to endure. My wife was routinely raped from 9 to 11 years old by a cousin who lived in her home at the time. If not handled correctly, this could haunt you in the future. I hope you truly find the one! You seem like a great person who had a crappy hand dealt. You just need a rock who is unflappable to you so long as you are to him.

[Jersey born raised]

Verifying links

 

https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones

 

http://blueribbonproject.org/?gclid=Cj0KEQiAsf_BBRDMpoOHw4aSq4QBEiQAPm7DL03HGeOW6b2pGhfKUe_gCAHKbbyXZAu_X_xHtDGQIY0aAqAa8P8HAQ

 

 

https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-childhood-sexual-abuse

 

Please do not give up on life and exist in the shadows. These links offer great help. You need to see if your police dept has a social victims units. While the statue of limitations has most likely kicked in. Still holding onto any material before you where 18 is possion of child porn. What I am saying the fact he still as materials from ten years ago most likely grounds for a warrant to seek material from 12 years ago.

 

They will protect you! Believe this! Contact these groups.

Edited December 2, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[MJJean]

The reality is that you had group sex and allowed it to be recorded. Your ex may have been a manipulative prick, but you consented. Your sexual history is something that is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of men and others won't care. It sucks, but there it is.

 

In the future, you're going to have to come clean to potential long term partners about your past. Preferably BEFORE the relationship becomes serious. If the man has a bad reaction, best to have it happen before emotions are involved.

 

Were I you, I'd ditch any mutual friends. I'd also completely end or limit use of social media. People can't pass your ex information they don't have. Your ex can't peruse information that isn't being posted anywhere.

[BettyDraper]

There ARE laws about 'revenge porn'. That is the law your old ex has broken and you most certainly do have a case.

 

It is time to lawyer up, before the dipstick makes the videos public.

 

Go out today and get legal representation, then go to the police with the lawyer to get things rolling.

 

This makes sense. If your ex is immature and vindictive enough to release such recordings, then it's time for him to learn that his actions have consequences.

 

I can understand why you're fiance was horrified even though I also feel sad that he left you. It's hard to think of your partner with someone else and seeing a video of them having group sex would be very difficult. A conservative person wouldn't be able to get past such an unfortunate event.

 

This is why I have never allowed myself to be filmed having sex. I was always scared of recordings being released and ruining my life.

[Jersey born raised]

Yes she did allow it at age 18, but at 12, 14, 16 what did she allow - nothing. Which is why I posted asking about pre-18 pictures. Children like her never had a chance.

 

Those organizations I linked to will give you a chance. The most impressive people I've meant have come back from doing horrible things or been suffered horrible things forced upon them. Just believe in your self.

[Caysey110504]

I am 28. I have been with my fiance, he's 32, for 3 years. We were really close friends for 2 years before that. Before we dated, I was with a guy from age 12-19.

 

My first boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. I was too young and couldn't see through it. I had a bad home life and watched my dad sexually abuse my mom until she killed herself. We started having sex early (age 12) and he wanted to try different things. When I was 14 he pressured me into bringing other people into our sex life, his friends.

 

When we were older, age 18, he took some videos of us having sex with and without other people. He said he wanted to use them to masturbate and deleted them after. Well he didn't.

 

My boyfriend proposed 3 days ago and we posted engagement photos yesterday. Yesterday evening my ex sent my fiance a message saying "just so you know what you are marrying" and attached old videos of me.

 

I only have contact with my ex because we have a 8 year old son together. He rarely sees our son. He only has visitation for 8 hour a month, and hardly ever uses it. In my sons eyes, that is not his dad - my fiance is.

 

I don't know what to do.... I didn't really lie to my fiance. When we first got together he said he would never ask me my "number" as it was none of his business. He see's me as a good girl, and assumed I had only slept with 2-3 people. I've only had 2 relationships. He won't even talk to me now and isn't sure if he wants to be with me.

 

I get it. I hate myself and I am extremely embarrassed. I hate thinking about it and wish I had never done it. I was in a bad place and had issues. Getting pregnant is what snapped me out of it and I went into therapy. My fiance wouldn't even touch me and said I was gross. He made me feel like a washed up porn star.

 

I've slept with 18 guys and 4 girls. He thinks I'm going to want to do stuff like that again and he's not into it. I never want to do it again, I didn't even want to do it then. My fiance has only slept with 4 women and he thinks even that is a lot. He said that the image he had of me is tainted and he is embarrassed that he didn't know. I get it, I feel disgusting myself. But I don't need the love of my life thinking that way about me...

 

I cannot lose him. I love him so much and we are suppose to be building our life together. We were so happy and it came crashing down so fast.

 

He won't answer my calls or texts and I don't know where he is.... I tried to call his mom and she wouldn't answer either... I don't know if he called her. I can't think or breathe. I need him to come home. I don't know if he will ever be able to get past this. It was 10 years ago... it never should have happened. But now all he sees is a girl who screwed a group of guys and took a video of it. He thinks there will be videos posted online for people to find.

 

you should file a cease and desist against your ex

you should sue him defamation of character

you should try to coax your recent ex to counselor, to see, if he can see past your past!

[dichotomy]

I am so sorry.

 

Honesty is always the best policy - about who you were, and who you are now. As others mentioned you will need to bring this up early.

 

I think different guys would react differently. Some might leave, some might stay but treat you like a play thing only, but you may find a guy some day who understands and stays.

 

I ended up marrying someone who hid their unusual past, and their views. I stayed but its been so painful and difficult.

 

When you son gets older, you may wish to consider leaving your town and relocating some where new where you ex can't find you.

[road]

Needs to contact the DA's office with stalking, sex harassment, revenge crime and see what they can do.