My fiance saw old sex videos of me

[SoleMate]

Please get counseling to help you deal with the severe abuse and trauma you have suffered and continue to suffer, both in your family of origin and with the abusive, manipulative ex. Wherever things go with the fiance, you have to look out for yourself and your own mental health and peace of mind first.

 

A man who doesn't see your victimization and suffering and understand how blameless you are is not a man who is a safe or appropriate partner for you. So far, fiance is not looking good. Sorry, hugs.

[impasse]

I have never done a DNA test but I know my ex-boyfriend was the father based on timing. My son is a spitting image of myself but I know my ex-boyfriend is his dad. I can't remember perfectly anymore, but there was a couple or few weeks between anyone else.

 

I believe I have only commented on this thread once, but I have read it often. I'm sorry that your fiancé still hasn't come around.

 

I just wanted to comment on this, because I think it's important. I have to agree with this poster that it may be a good idea to do a DNA test. I know that you feel confident in who your son's bio-dad is, and it might be hard to rethink that. It must be difficult to think that you might not know who your son's father is. Fear of further shaming would make anyone have a hard time with it.

 

The problem with conception and dates is that they can be off. Especially if you were having irregular periods, or no periods at all. You were young, sometimes our cycles aren't regular at that age (or ever). Just being off by a couple weeks could totally change the bio-dad.

 

It doesn't mean your a bad person, because you're not. And it doesn't mean you are being judged, no judgement here at all. But it could mean your ex is forever out of your life. If it turns out that your ex isn't the bio-dad, don't feel bad about it. He has never been a father anyway. A name on a birth certificate doesn't make a father.

 

You don't need such a hateful person in your life. If you were no longer tied to your city by that "man" then you could move and get a fresh start. You have nothing holding you back at this point (family, bio-dad, fiancé). That doesn't mean you should hide your past, but it does mean your ex and other people from that time can't hold it over you.You could change your name as well.

 

So I'll say it again, having a DNA test on your son is nothing to be ashamed. You also don't need to tell your son anything at this point. And if it turns out that you were correct and the ex is the bio-dad, then you know for sure and don't ever have to wonder about it.

 

Something to think about.

[Gibrale]

Thank you, you all posting means a lot to me and helps me. I kind of suck at replying and getting my thoughts out there but your posts have helped me a lot.

 

As to your son....I was there with my daughter and I can tell you being both Mom and Dad to your child is not something you WANT to do, but it's "do-able". Actually, I was such an overprotective Mom to my daughter due to my own sexual molestation and traumas that I wouldn't let a man get close to my daughter. Her grandfather was afraid to even hug her at one point...and thankfully he pulled me back from that trauma to allow him to be a positive father figure in her life, she's almost 30 and she sees both me and her Grandfather as her Dad. Your son will also see you as a strong Mother/Father in his life too....you are worthy and fit, and more to add, you aren't walking around with rose-colored glasses on either. You already know how harsh this world is, that makes you a better parent actually.

 

This whole thing has been extremely hard. Of course losing my fiance is heartbreaking, but seeing my past throw in my face again has been really hard. I've always had flashbacks to it and I've worked hard to be able to control those and know what my triggers are, but actually seeing it has been impossible to get out of my mind. I forced myself to watch the whole thing and I shouldn't have. It took a long time to get through it and now it's constantly playing through my mind. Little details that I forgot, they all came back. Feeling dirty and worthless. I'm having a lot more triggers lately and back to living in fear. I keep having these really strong feelings to go back to that lifestyle.

 

I've had a lot of difficulties with being overprotective of my son. On one hand I think I'm lucky that I had a son. I know boys get sexually abused as well, but in my life they didn't so it's easier to make that separation. I've never let him have sleepovers, he doesn't go to friends houses, we've always talked about boundaries - his own and others, when he was a baby I didn't let anyone else change his diaper, I was never comfortable touching him in certain ways like patting his butt (not spanking, though I didn't do that either), I've never touched him without his permission. I try to make sure I'm not totally limiting what he can do, and it's been hard, but some things I'm just not comfortable with.

 

I've been in therapy for almost 10 years, and one thing that I've always had trouble with is the "you're a survivor". Therapists have tried and tried to get me okay with that and to believe it, but I can't. It feels like, I'm still smack dab in the middle and it's like calling a car accident victim a survivor while they are still in the car and you don't know if they are even alive. I don't feel like I've earned the right to say that.

 

OP, I just really, really, really think you should talk to some more professionals before you get into another relationship. Admittedly, I dislike conservatives so I am little biased, but I wonder if there wasn't a part of his naïveté that you found "safe." Trust me, those people really aren't that safe. They're most judgy and only get worse as they get older. I've spent half of a lifetime running from those people. I refuse to be held to their impossible standards.

 

I am still in therapy, though admittedly I should probably go more often - especially now. It's definitely not something that I will be able to stop doing, probably ever.

 

I don't know, maybe. When I first met him I thought he had a stick up his ass, I had never met someone so conservative. Even the conservatives here aren't nearly as far as he is. I liked how predictable he was, and that I never had to worry about certain things. He was the total opposite to everything I had experienced so I never made a connection between him and them. I liked that the sex had almost no similarities to what I was use to. So yeah, I think I felt safe with him.

 

[W]ith [past exBF] out of the picture you'd be free to pack up and move somewhere nobody knows your past, right? Now I'm not suggesting you run from it. Not at all, definitely get the help you need to be the best mom you can be. Having eating disorders is not a good thing for your child to see in their parent. Help for that is available almost everywhere though, right?

 

If my ex-boyfriend signed away his rights, I could move. I don't have family so I have no reason to stay here really. Especially now. He won't do it, though. He has supervised visitation for 8 hours a month, and he never uses it but I still can't move. I have tried to have the visitation dropped totally. Until my son is 16, I'm stuck.

 

I know, I hate that I'm not a healthy parent for my son. Some things he sees, some he doesn't. There are things that I wish he didn't have to see or understand, that he shouldn't have to see. I have a specialist that I see just for the eating disorder. It's something that never goes away. It gets easier to manage but it's always there. I've gotten to the point where I can eat, but not nearly as much as I should. Right now my son doesn't really understand it, he just thinks I don't eat that much. His counselor said he says I'm not very hungry. So he notices, but he doesn't understand it yet. I don't want him to. Some days are better than others. For a while it was going well and I was almost at a normal BMI but for the last month it's been a lot harder. It's been 2 days since I've eaten and I know I'm hungry, but the hungrier I get the harder it is. I have to consistently snack so I don't feel hungry, once I have that feeling nothing is going in.

 

I just wanted to comment on this, because I think it's important. I have to agree with this poster that it may be a good idea to do a DNA test. I know that you feel confident in who your son's bio-dad is, and it might be hard to rethink that. It must be difficult to think that you might not know who your son's father is. Fear of further shaming would make anyone have a hard time with it. The problem with conception and dates is that they can be off. Especially if you were having irregular periods, or no periods at all. You were young, sometimes our cycles aren't regular at that age (or ever). Just being off by a couple weeks could totally change the bio-dad.

 

It's something that I'll think about. The idea of not knowing who my son's father is seems worse than having him as the father. I don't even remember who else was around that time. I'll think about it.

[HereNorThere]

What I took away from your last post is that you seem to have an issue with finding balance. Like a pendulum, you swing from one side to the other. The two guys are polar opposites of each other, you either eat or you don't eat, etc.

 

You will find peace with yourself when you seek the middle ground. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. Of course you have feelings of wanting to return to your previous lifestyle, you swung too far away and ended up in a nunnery. It might feel safe there, but it's not sustainable for the long-term. It's OKAY to be a free-spirit and have non-vanilla sex with someone adventurous and fun. There's a way to fulfill your desires without being degraded or humiliated. You can have cocktails with your friends without going to score heroin (not that that's your thing, just an example of extremes.) And you can eat every day without binge eating, gaining weight, or feeling guilty. It's possible to have fun and be great mother. It's not selfish, it's healthy.

 

Life is not black and white. It's 4d, Ultra HD with lotsa megapixels, lol.

[NTV]

With that little parenting time... 8 hours a month? Wow... I think even if you moved and switched to the standard geographic separation time table he would end up with MORE time, right? And if he's already not exercising what little he has (which I hope you are documenting), then I'd imagine you have little to fear in asking the court for it.

 

Time to be bold and try for a fresh start for you and your kiddo?

[Cephalopod]

You would really be happy never having an orgasm again with your F?

 

Would that be fair to him, even being vanilla as he is?

[oldshirt]

What I took away from your last post is that you seem to have an issue with finding balance. Like a pendulum, you swing from one side to the other. The two guys are polar opposites of each other, you either eat or you don't eat, etc.

 

You will find peace with yourself when you seek the middle ground. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. Of course you have feelings of wanting to return to your previous lifestyle, you swung too far away and ended up in a nunnery. It might feel safe there, but it's not sustainable for the long-term. It's OKAY to be a free-spirit and have non-vanilla sex with someone adventurous and fun. There's a way to fulfill your desires without being degraded or humiliated. You can have cocktails with your friends without going to score heroin (not that that's your thing, just an example of extremes.) And you can eat every day without binge eating, gaining weight, or feeling guilty. It's possible to have fun and be great mother. It's not selfish, it's healthy.

 

Life is not black and white. It's 4d, Ultra HD with lotsa megapixels, lol.

 

I agree.

 

I'm not trying to rub salt into your wounds and what your ex did was incredibly crappy. But your relationship with your former fiance' was likely unsustainable.

 

As stated above, you swung too far to the other side and found a safe, sweet and innocent beta boy that did not turn you on or satisfy you. You found comfort and security with him and you were wanting a father figure for your child, but you were likely not compatible with him. In a period of time you would have grown restless and frustrated.

 

I am not saying that what happened to you was right or just. It was a terrible breech of privacy and just plain cruel. But you now have an opportunity to continue your therapy and find something that is more compatible with you.

 

As was stated above, there is a middle ground that is neither exploitive and abusive, nor boring and frustrating.

[Gibrale]

With that little parenting time... 8 hours a month? Wow... I think even if you moved and switched to the standard geographic separation time table he would end up with MORE time, right? And if he's already not exercising what little he has (which I hope you are documenting), then I'd imagine you have little to fear in asking the court for it.

 

Time to be bold and try for a fresh start for you and your kiddo?

 

Yeah, he's allowed up to 8 hours a month. He can't have my son overnight, drive with him and his parents have to supervise the visits. He very rarely uses them, maybe 3 times this year. I do keep track and I've taken it back to court to have it removed completely but it hasn't changed. I have asked what would happen if I moved. It would involve going back to court and my ex-boyfriend can fight me over it. Every time we've gone to court he slaps on a good guy face and pretends that he wants the time. Claims that I ignore him or won't work with him, stop him from seeing my son, etc. Chances are it would be approved for me to move but then I'd have to ship my son back at various points through the year here and he'd hate that.

 

If I had a DNA test done and my ex happened to not be his father, then I could totally get him out of our lives. There isn't any relationship between them, so nothing to try and preserve regardless of genes.

 

You would really be happy never having an orgasm again with your F?

 

Would that be fair to him, even being vanilla as he is?

 

Honestly, yeah I would have been okay with it. It wasn't a big deal and it didn't bother me. The only way I've been able to orgasm from sex was by doing things that I don't want to do ever again. I don't have a positive relationship with orgasms. I hated them. It made me feel like I liked what I was doing and I didn't. When the feeling was building up and I could tell that I was going to orgasm I would try and talk myself out of it. I don't want to go back there. It instantly pulls me back to those moments.

 

It didn't really bother my fiance that much. When we first started having sex it did a bit but he got over it. It was still enjoyable and felt good, the orgasm wasn't a must. I suppose I made sex more for him. All I cared about was that is was good for him, I just liked being close to him. He was willing to try other things, like oral, even though it was uncomfortable for him. At the end of the day, it wasn't worth doing something that he was uncomfortable with - and him being uncomfortable made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to be close to him, I didn't care about the rest of it.

 

What I took away from your last post is that you seem to have an issue with finding balance. Like a pendulum, you swing from one side to the other. The two guys are polar opposites of each other, you either eat or you don't eat, etc. Of course you have feelings of wanting to return to your previous lifestyle, you swung too far away and ended up in a nunnery. It might feel safe there, but it's not sustainable for the long-term.

As stated above, you swung too far to the other side and found a safe, sweet and innocent beta boy that did not turn you on or satisfy you. You found comfort and security with him and you were wanting a father figure for your child, but you were likely not compatible with him. In a period of time you would have grown restless and frustrated.

 

I found it easier to get as far away as possible. There are so few similarities that I'm rarely reminded of it. Finding a middle ground would mean having constant reminders and I can't deal with it. It was just easier, to go to the opposite side of the spectrum. There are no surprises there. Like a safe haven. It was brought up a lot by therapists and I always shut it down or changed the subject. I could have stayed with him forever. I didn't want to think about losing him. I loved him - I still do.

[dpass]

So if your fiancé decided to give it another shot, would you?

[doyathinkso]

She'd have to be a fool or some kind of pod-person not to.

[Gibrale]

This week a friend was getting married and my ex and I were in the wedding party. We were suppose to walk down the aisle together but they were okay with changing the order so we wouldn't.

 

The entire time things were getting ready he pretended like I was invisible. He didn't look at me, didn't talk to me. He wouldn't look at me for even a second. I didn't say anything to him. When the ceremony was starting and we were getting ready to go in he said no him and I were going down together as intended. He didn't say it to me, he said it to the coordinator. We were supposed to walk down with my arm going through his, but as I walked up to him he clear as day said "don't touch me". I don't know if other people noticed but it was humiliating to me. While we were standing up there he kept looking at me. We were standing directly across from each other so maybe he had no other choice, but he was staring at me almost the entire ceremony. When it was over and we had to walk out again my arm was supposed to go through his. He put his hand on my lower back instead. The dress was backless so he was touching my skin. Afterwards he said see you later.

 

At the reception dinner our seats were side by side and he switched with someone else when he got there. Again it felt like I was invisible. Then later he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance when a slow song was being played. We didn't talk at all. He got me a drink after that and made random small talk about the wedding, travel there, made a "joke" about how we should have been next that he very awkwardly said. After that he disappeared again and I didn't see him until I was leaving. He saw me, but said nothing and tried not to look at me. At 2AM he texted me and said "goodnight". Everyone got breakfast the next morning and he motioned for me to sit at the table he was sitting at (with 2 other people). I went to the bathroom and he ordered for me (out of habit of knowing what I'd get). When I came back he said he had to go, half way through his plate and wouldn't look at me. I saw him before leaving the resort and he pretended I was invisible again.

 

I just don't get it... What is going on in his head? It feels so back and forth, or maybe I'm just stupid. Am I doing something wrong?

 

He won't touch me... then he will. He won't talk to me... then he will... then he won't. He doesn't want to be near me... then he does. I'm invisible... then I'm not. It's all over the place.....

[Poutrew]

Gibrale, to say he's conflicted is putting it mildly. One good thing about this is that if he didn't really love you, he wouldn't be so torn. All I can say is to give it time, if you can. Don't hang on his every move, but just be aware of the massive shock the knowledge of your past has caused him. Your fiancé is going through much the same emotional upheaval as you yourself have experienced - it is because he has an empathic connection to you and what hurts you hurts him. The main question is whether he is as strong as you are. Will he overcome and regain his balance? Seriously, I truly hope everything works out in time for you all. I am a grumpy old curmudgeon by nature, but I can honestly say you are the only poster I have read in all the years I have been here that I really wish I could reach through the internet lines and give you ALL a big fatherly hug... you all need it.

[road]

This week a friend was getting married and my ex and I were in the wedding party. We were suppose to walk down the aisle together but they were okay with changing the order so we wouldn't.

 

The entire time things were getting ready he pretended like I was invisible. He didn't look at me, didn't talk to me. He wouldn't look at me for even a second. I didn't say anything to him. When the ceremony was starting and we were getting ready to go in he said no him and I were going down together as intended. He didn't say it to me, he said it to the coordinator. We were supposed to walk down with my arm going through his, but as I walked up to him he clear as day said "don't touch me". I don't know if other people noticed but it was humiliating to me. While we were standing up there he kept looking at me. We were standing directly across from each other so maybe he had no other choice, but he was staring at me almost the entire ceremony. When it was over and we had to walk out again my arm was supposed to go through his. He put his hand on my lower back instead. The dress was backless so he was touching my skin. Afterwards he said see you later.

 

At the reception dinner our seats were side by side and he switched with someone else when he got there. Again it felt like I was invisible. Then later he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance when a slow song was being played. We didn't talk at all. He got me a drink after that and made random small talk about the wedding, travel there, made a "joke" about how we should have been next that he very awkwardly said. After that he disappeared again and I didn't see him until I was leaving. He saw me, but said nothing and tried not to look at me. At 2AM he texted me and said "goodnight". Everyone got breakfast the next morning and he motioned for me to sit at the table he was sitting at (with 2 other people). I went to the bathroom and he ordered for me (out of habit of knowing what I'd get). When I came back he said he had to go, half way through his plate and wouldn't look at me. I saw him before leaving the resort and he pretended I was invisible again.

 

I just don't get it... What is going on in his head? It feels so back and forth, or maybe I'm just stupid. Am I doing something wrong?

 

He won't touch me... then he will. He won't talk to me... then he will... then he won't. He doesn't want to be near me... then he does. I'm invisible... then I'm not. It's all over the place.....

 

As Elvis said: he's all shook up. He is torn. Wants you, feels humiliated by you. Time may get him past the later.

[LexiCat29]

Do you really want a guy who dumped you because you were abused and tortured?

[Ruby Slippers]

Though your situation is on a totally different level, I relate to an extent, as I had a verbally and emotionally abusive dad, which contributed to other dysfunctional dynamics in the family I grew up with.

 

In my experience, it's rare to find a man who can even begin to relate and understand. When I first started dating in my late teens and early 20s, I attracted men with similar dysfunction in their history. The problem in those cases is that we hadn't had time to make much progress beyond the dysfunction that had been inflicted upon us; our healthy relationship skills were shaky at best.

 

As I grew stronger, I began attracting men who came from healthy, "normal" families. But they couldn't relate to my history, and tended to be judgmental and harsh, even suggesting my strained relationship with my dad was my fault because I didn't make enough effort - very hurtful, and wrong.

 

I think your ex is battling within himself to resolve this, and struggling to do it, understandably. You can't rely on this working out, but I think there are some promising signs. It does have a chance.

 

I think you're going to have to be honest with him and others in your future if you want to attract the right people and conditions of acceptance and understanding. I understand why you want to hold back these ugly truths.

 

But with conditions being what they are - that is, a vengeful ex who can use this information against you at whim - I think any path other than honesty is only going to lead to similar conflicts and breakdowns.

 

I'd consider looking into the no-contact option the lawyer suggested. If you can legally limit your ex's contact only to communication regarding visitation with your son, you might be able to file charges if he communicates with you or anyone you know in any other way. Some years ago, I broke up with a guy and he started stalking and harassing me, sending me somewhat threatening messages. After he sent a ranting and somewhat threatening message to one of my Facebook friends about how I broke his heart, I successfully filed an order of protection (restraining order) against him. That means that if he ever contacts me or any of my associates again, he'll be in violation of the order and he could be in trouble with the law. I wonder if you could legally deny your ex the right to communicate with you or your associates on any matter beyond visitation with your son. Do all your research on this matter, as well as the revenge porn matter.

 

Also, consider getting off social media or strongly restricting your accounts. My stalker's favorite investigation and attack weapon was Facebook. I've always disdained Facebook for its aggressive privacy invasion protocol and only set up an account for my business. After the incidents with him, I locked down my account pretty tight and have stayed away from it as much as possible.

 

I think it's a good idea to talk to your ex about arranging time for him and your son to spend together. As trying as your situation has been, it could be that the silver lining is a good relationship with a healthy adult man for your son. I hear and understand your concern that your ex might move on from your son if he meets someone else someday. I think it's worth it, because this is a critical time in your son's life for him to bond with good dad-like role model. It's possible that your ex won't move on and will maintain a relationship with him for life. What if you son gets into a difficult situation and feels he needs the advice of his dad, or at least a reasonable approximation of a dad? I think it's more likely that you recent ex would come through for him in those situations than his biological dad would.

 

And there's also the chance that through your ex's connection with your son, and connection with you through him, your romantic relationship with him can renew and bloom again. I feel like he'll need some time. His image of you has been burned to the ground, basically, and he's going to need time to mourn the aspects of your connection that have died and will wither. But seasons change, spring will come again. It's not guaranteed his feelings for you will rekindle... but it's possible.

 

In either case, I think it would be a blessing for your son to have a stable relationship with him for as long as it can last. Given that your ex is so conservative and reliable, it's possible they could maintain it for life.

 

Also, be good to yourself and practice self-care - healthy eating, good rest, soothing activities whether exercise, yoga, bubble baths. Your degree of self-worth is up to nobody but you, and you have the power to take good care of yourself.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Ruby Slippers

[Jersey born raised]

I would also suggest why this relationship is important to you. Are you running to him because he is the opposite of your ex? That the need for a safe relationship trumps everything else? If so that is not love it is purely need driving. Five years from now as you heal your needs change will change and a conflict will between your husband will occur. Resulting in a divorce often with one spouse engaged in adultery.

 

It is often for the wounded partner to begin to morph the safe partner into the unsafe ex with all the negative feelings transferred to the safe partner. I've read you have done a lot of work with professionals, please continue to do so.

 

Finally his reaction defines him, not you. You sound like you are doing great stay the course.

[BetrayedH]

I'm out of sympathy for your ex-fiance. Some level of shock is understandable. But subjecting you to his whims without any regard for how it impacts you and no willingness to even discuss this with you...well, it's simply cruel.

 

He's on the fence. Frankly, it's time to push him off. He can be a respectful adult or he can consider his interactions with you to have come to an end. Permitting this disrepect is just victimizing yourself again. I've heard enough of that in this thread.

[doyathinkso]

As Elvis said: he's all shook up. He is torn. Wants you, feels humiliated by you. Time may get him past the later.

 

At the wedding he knew he still loved you, he wanted to be seen with you, but he's still "all shook up" and going off in all directions at once.

 

Give him time and continue to be the woman that he has known, and let him know that that is who you want to be and not the frightened and bullied and abused child that you are running from. That he is your life preserver, your rock of stability poking out of the storm-tossed ocean that you want to cling to to survive your awful abused past, if he will let you.

[Gibrale]

I've let him take my son out a couple times and it made my son extremely happy. As hard as it is for me, I think I need to let them have that relationship. My son needs it and wants it. So I have to be okay with it and hope it lasts. He might be on the fence about me, but I don't think it will last much longer. It seems like there is only a finger left on the fence. He's not coming back.

Edited December 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post~T

[BaileyB]

Gibrale,

 

I'm sorry because I'm coming very late to the discussion and I've not read everything. But, I feel compelled to tell you that I was deeply moved by your story. You have seen and experienced things that no young girl should ever have to experience and how you have survived to raise your son and form a healthy relationship is a testament to your strength.

 

You were a young girl who experienced a life altering trauma, inflicted by your parents. You were then manipulated at a young age by a sexual partner who abused your trust. And now, he has violated and abused you again by releasing these videos to your fiancé. I'm so sorry for your pain and for the fact that your relationship may have ended. However, I can't really understand how any man could not have compassion when they learn that the woman they love has suffered such trauma and abuse. He is thinking only about himself, and not about you. Perhaps, this not the man you want to trust to be your life partner.

Edited December 30, 2016 by BaileyB

[anika99]

I haven't read every post either so I don't know if you said you were in therapy or not, but if not then you should really consider it.

 

I feel horrible for you. Your ex from many years has got to be one of the most horrible people I've ever read about here. Not only did he do awful things to you years ago, now he deliberately destroyed your happiness again. What a scummy little puke he is. Just a sorry excuse of a human being.

 

Now all that being said, I really don't think your relationship with your current (ex)bf was going to be sustainable long term. Not based on your recent posts regarding your sexuality and your sex life with him. First of all it is doubtful that you will want to spend the rest of your life never having an orgasm again. You don't deserve to be deprived of sexual fulfillment for your entire life.

 

Secondly, even if you could deny yourself sexual pleasure until the day you die do you think your bf will want to have a wife you doesn't enjoy sex with him to its fullest? Both of you deserve to have hot passionate sex with people who are wild with desire for you. It's one of life's great gifts. You don't deserve to never have an orgasm again and your bf doesn't deserve to spend a lifetime with a woman who doesn't enjoy sex with him. This has been a recipe for disaster from the start. It's not sustainable.

 

I know you don't want to do the things you used to do but you still need to enjoy the basic gifts of life. I think you need therapy with someone who maybe specializes in helping people recover from sexual trauma. Someone who can help you develop a healthy relationship with sex, so that you can enjoy sex again without having to do things you find degrading or repulsive.

 

Maybe just let your bf go for now so that you can spend some time on your own healing and recovery. You can't spend your life hiding yourself or hiding in some safe relationship that makes you feel secure but is lacking passion and honesty. You need to get in touch with your true inner self and embrace that person and then find someone who also embraces that person. Don't tie yourself to someone who doesn't fully accept you or who only accepts you because they don't really know you. That isn't fair to you or the other person. Life is too short.

[understand50]

Who can even come up with this as a solution? Prove I'm not that woman by being that woman again? He has zero interest in anything other than missionary PIV, basically. He's very "vanilla" and always has been. He never once asked or initiated doing anything kinky.

 

I've let him take my son out a couple times and it made my son extremely happy. As hard as it is for me, I think I need to let them have that relationship. My son needs it and wants it. So I have to be okay with it and hope it lasts. He might be on the fence about me, but I don't think it will last much longer. It seems like there is only a finger left on the fence. He's not coming back.

 

Gibrale,

 

For your first point. Not all men are in to kinky. In fact I would say most men are not. The idea that you can get him back by being a "slut" to him is a dead end, and I am glad you see it so. You did not have boundaries when you were young, but protect them now. You regained yourself respect, so do not trade it away. Here and now is what is important.

 

There is someone out there for you. My only thought is to be as up front as possible with anyone new, so your POS ex, can not intrude. Your past is your business, but real life, is that yours will come back to interfere. Openness is your only defense.

 

As for your son, you need to have a real hard talk with your Ex fiancee. You do not want you son hurt, and your Ex Fiancee needs to know that he will have to give much of himself if this is to work. Your son wants a Dad, and I can understand that, having been a child of divorce. There are other avenues. Boy Scouts, big brothers. Do you have a brother or cousin that can step in. Point is, he does need men in is life. This can be done, bit from your description of your POS EX, I do not think he should be involved in your son's life if you can help it.

 

I wish you luck.......