Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?

[Gaeta]

I am the only one to blame for not seeing his place. We both work late and only have Sunday together. No driving across town to see his place is not a priority to me.

[Gaeta]

That accusation was completely unfair and unwarranted Gaeta.

 

No it wasn't to "get the gallery going," it was to get a weigh-in from other posters... so it might sink in more.... because despite having his address, I think the fact you have not been to his place in almost a year of dating.. is a huge red flag.

 

And I think you know this too... which is why you have reacted the way you have.

 

If you want to be mad at me for expressing my feelings about that, then that is your choice.

 

As I've said, and as you know, I happen to care about you and don't want to see you hurt and believe you deserve better.

 

That said, since he said you can visit anytime you wish, as your friend, I would suggest you take him up on that offer, the sooner the better... because things aren't jiving.

 

If you want to know what all those "things" are (from my perspective from everything you have shared), I would be happy to do so in an email. Just let me know.

 

Then post accurate information. You wrote just enough so people think it's because of him l have not seen his place.

[katiegrl]

Then post accurate information. You wrote just enough so people think it's because of him l have not seen his place.

 

Huh? How so?

 

 

At the very minimum, go see his apartment!

 

If he balks at the idea and/or finds excuses why you cannot, THAT is a major red flag right there.

 

 

All I suggested was to see his place and if he makes excuses that is red flag.

 

I did not suggest nor imply that it was because of him that you hadn't seen it.

 

Not sure where you got that from my post.

 

In any event, I apologize if that made you uncomfortable.

 

I will refrain from posting anymore on this thread since I keep saying the wrong things.

 

Best of luck, hope it all works our for you.

[AMJ]

You only see him on Sundays??

 

And you're not at all concerned that potentially he lives with or has another woman in his life? Or just...some thing he is hiding. Not sure what, but any relationship I've had where one of us didn't go to the other person's house it was because we were holding back the relationship from progressing further.

[Redhead14]

I am the only one to blame for not seeing his place. We both work late and only have Sunday together. No driving across town to see his place is not a priority to me.

 

No driving across town to see his place is not a priority to me -- If you're smart, you'll do it at least once and fairly soon.

 

Seeing each other once a week over the last 10 months will never allow this relationship to get real legs. It's time for each of you to make that drive across town once in while at least.

 

And, most of us girls have told other women here that it's really not a good excuse when a man says he's too tired to go to her place during the week or that they work late. We tell them, 'if you really like the person, you'll make time and won't be THAT tired all the time". yeah, you'd be too tired now and again, but you'd still make the effort at least once in a while. You both work late and are tired during the week, but neither of you will do it once in a while and is content with once a week? If you're looking for a long, satisfying relationship, it can't be built with once a week visits.

 

If nothing else, you'd think he'd get tired of being the one to do it. Seems odd to me that he hasn't said at some point "you know, I'm the one who always comes here, why don't you come by my place once in a while?"

 

I wouldn't be the one to always go across town to my SO's place all the time. I'd get tired of it. I like to share my space with my SO. I'd like to have him be at my place and be comfortable there as well. It gives insight into "who" they are too . . .

[h0000]

We spent a lot of time together but we are not living together, he still has his apartment. He works 6 days a week, he works till 9-10 each night. We don't spend that much time together.

 

.

 

Ok I'm so confused. You said you spent a lot of time together, then you said you only spend Sunday together...so what is your relationship like exactly?

 

 

You said he spent several occasions with your family, then you said he doesn't spend holidays with you/your family...so does he go to any parties with you?

 

 

I'm very confused what your relationship is really like....

Edited September 21, 2016 by h0000

[BluEyeL]

Hm... yes once a week at 10 months and avoiding significant occasions that are hallmarks of committed relationships such as family birthdays and Christmas point unfortunately at a non-committal attitude and stalling tactics.

 

He might avoid these events for that reason. I'm not saying that's what it is but you may want to think about it in the context of everything else that you know is going on. We are not there you are and I'm sure you can figure things out.

 

From my side I really don't think his refusal to spend holidays with you is good news at this stage of the relationship.

 

Just be careful. Take care!

[getsmartie]

Ok fine I can appreciate that all kids are different and may not care to "meet" their dads SO. What I'm saying is you haven't met anyone from his past life, that's not a good thing.

 

My story which hasn't been shared here. Many years ago I met a wonderful charismatic man. He moved in with me within months, totally immersed himself in my life, my friends, family and my children. Everyone loved him. He came with a great story which explained why he didnt keep in touch with anyone in his past life...no friends, little family etc. Fast forward to the end, he was a con man. Point being I will never be involved with a man that I cant verify his past life, meet any friends or family. And I'll go a step forward I won't allow him to move in until I fully know him.

 

If someone else on this forum said the same thing about their relationship you would be saying the same thing most of us are saying. It's funny how defensive you get and tbh I don't know why so many people are walking on eggshells around you...apologizing if they crossed the line.

 

Too many things here seem way too off. My spidey senses are going off!

[katiegrl]

Ok fine I can appreciate that all kids are different and may not care to "meet" their dads SO. What I'm saying is you haven't met anyone from his past life, that's not a good thing.

 

My story which hasn't been shared here. Many years ago I met a wonderful charismatic man. He moved in with me within months, totally immersed himself in my life, my friends, family and my children. Everyone loved him. He came with a great story which explained why he didnt keep in touch with anyone in his past life...no friends, little family etc. Fast forward to the end, he was a con man. Point being I will never be involved with a man that I cant verify his past life, meet any friends or family. And I'll go a step forward I won't allow him to move in until I fully know him.

 

If someone else on this forum said the same thing about their relationship you would be saying the same thing most of us are saying. It's funny how defensive you get and tbh I don't know why so many people are walking on eggshells around you...apologizing if they crossed the line.

 

Too many things here seem way too off. My spidey senses are going off!

 

Bolded -- yeah that would be me. I didn't apologize for crossing the line though, cause frankly I don't think I did -- that was only Gaeta's interpretation of what I said, not sure why she interpreted it that way.

 

I apologized because whatever I said caused some distress, and for that I am sorry.

[Gaeta]

To those still confused

 

Yes he comes with me in my family and he did on multitudes occadions for BBQ or afternoon by the pool or brunch, name it. He also has traveled twice long distance to spend time at my parents.

 

It's not about unwillingness to spend time with my family...it's only toward holidays and birthdays

[getsmartie]

Bolded -- yeah that would be me. I didn't apologize for crossing the line though, cause frankly I don't think I did -- that was only Gaeta's interpretation of what I said, not sure why she interpreted it that way.

 

I apologized because whatever I said caused some distress, and for that I am sorry.

 

Yes it was you Katie lol. Regardless Gaeta is a big girl, we know she can dish it out but she has a problem taking it.

 

My take is she has a bigger problem than not spending xmas together....not seeing his apartment, not meeting anyone of his family or friends or kids. Maybe I'm confusing her story with someone else but I sort of recall that he does not really have a relationship with his kids. If this is him I see this as yet another big flag.

[Gaeta]

You only see him on Sundays??

 

And you're not at all concerned that potentially he lives with or has another woman in his life? Or just...some thing he is hiding. Not sure what, but any relationship I've had where one of us didn't go to the other person's house it was because we were holding back the relationship from progressing further.

Please read my thread properly. I have repeated this 100 times. He comes to my place after work each day. He works 6 days a week so it means we only have a full day together Sunday.

[katiegrl]

Please read my thread properly. I have repeated this 100 times. He comes to my place after work each day. He works 6 days a week so it means we only have a full day together Sunday.

 

 

We spent a lot of time together but we are not living together, he still has his apartment. He works 6 days a week, he works till 9-10 each night.

 

We don't spend that much time together.

 

 

^This is why many posters are confused.... just so you know.

[Gaeta]

Yes it was you Katie lol. Regardless Gaeta is a big girl, we know she can dish it out but she has a problem taking it.

 

My take is she has a bigger problem than not spending xmas together....not seeing his apartment, not meeting anyone of his family or friends or kids. Maybe I'm confusing her story with someone else but I sort of recall that he does not really have a relationship with his kids. If this is him I see this as yet another big flag.

Please read my thread properly. I have said many times now that he is from France and now in Canada. Here barely 2 years. That is why l have not met family and people from his past.

 

Don't know where you got he does not have a relationship with his kids.

 

Im getting tired of repeating information you can gind all over this thread.

 

Yes l get on the defensive when people get out of control and vome up with silky theories.

 

I got con before. Been there and got the t shirt. A 4 year relationship.

 

So you know i have his relative phone number in europe in case of emergency. I also have his resume with 30 years of history with names and vontacts.

 

Hope i wont have to repeat this...again

[xxoo]

It seems like he makes a lot of effort to travel to see you daily, plus get to know your family. On the other hand, you've never been to his place or spoken to his family.

 

I'm surprised that you are angry about him not doing enough, specifically family birthdays.

[BluEyeL]

OH ok, so he sees you every day, that changes things. Anyway, I htink he should spend Christmas and family occasions with you also.

 

You are providing conflicting info.

[Gaeta]

 

You are providing conflicting info.

 

No i am not.

 

People are assuming wronly then reporting it as truth

[katiegrl]

Why the HECK are you so defensive?

 

NO ONE suggested that YOUR boyfriend was conning you, sheesh!

 

getsmartie only posted what happened to HER, so you and anyone else reading would continue to pay attention to red flags and the like.

 

Which we ALL should be doing!

 

You also post contradictory messages like the one I cut and pasted -- you spend a lot of time together, no we don't spend that much time together.

 

What the heck!

 

And yes I recall reading too (on the board) way back when that he didn't have a RL with his kids.

 

If mixing you up with another poster, then apologies but no need to jump down throats.

 

You make a thread you have to prepared for the hard questions when things don't seem to jive.

 

Just like you ask other posters when they post a thread about stuff doesn't doesn't seem to jive.

 

Wish you the best!!

Edited September 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[getsmartie]

I'm bowing out. Good luck! I don't need to put up with your nastiness.

 

Like I said earlier you can certainly dish it out to anyone on the forum but you can't take anyone's advice unless its what you want to hear.

 

At least do yourself a favor and check out his darn apartment!!

[AMJ]

No joke, go see what's going on in his apartment.

 

Something just feels off about this guy.

 

And all the other ish aside, his hangups about holidays and bdays are weird.

[Gaeta]

Why the HECK are you so defensive?

 

NO ONE suggested that YOUR boyfriend was conning you, sheesh!

 

getsmartie only posted what happened to HER, so you and anyone else reading would continue to pay attention to red flags and the like.

 

Which we ALL should be doing!

 

You also post contradictory messages like the one I cut and pasted -- you spend a lot of time together, no we don't spend that much time together.

 

What the heck!

 

And yes I recall reading too (on the board) way back when that he didn't have a RL with his kids.

 

If mixing you up with another poster, then apologies but no need to jump down throats.

 

You make a thread you have to prepared for the hard questions when things don't seem to jive.

 

Just like you ask other posters when they post a thread about stuff doesn't doesn't seem to jive.

 

Wish you the best!!

 

I am fed up getsmarties keeps saying the fact l didn't meet his family or people from his past is a red flag@!!! They are across the ocean!!!!!

 

 

Yes l see him often i see him each day!!!

No we don"t spend that much time together he works 6 days a week !!!

 

You guys are really making lots of effort to not understand what l am saying!!

[h0000]

To those still confused

 

Yes he comes with me in my family and he did on multitudes occadions for BBQ or afternoon by the pool or brunch, name it. He also has traveled twice long distance to spend time at my parents.

 

It's not about unwillingness to spend time with my family...it's only toward holidays and birthdays

 

Isn't it all that matters though? that he is willing to spend time with your family? He is even willing to travel long distance. Does it matter that much what day he spends with them? Give him a break over so called "holidays" and "birthdays"?

 

 

I understand if Xmas is vital for you, then can you suggest he come join your family after his charity work? That should work for you and I'm sure he has no reason to say no to that? Explain to him your emotional attachments to Xmas, he surely will understand?

[Redhead14]

Does he stay there each night as well or at least a couple of nights? If not, seeing her for a couple of hours sometime after 10 o'clock each night during the week and on Saturday really isn't significant in terms of quality time spent -- comes in 10:30ish, she feeds him, they smooch a little and he goes home. It's nice that he does that much at least, but it's easier than going home, cooking for himself and not smooching. And, I don't know what time she gets up, but staying up past midnight every night and then going to work is going to take it's toll. They aren't kids anymore.

 

And, straight up, I don't think this guy is relationship material at all. I think Gaeta is his good enough for now girl and playing it out until whatever real plans he has come to fruition.

 

She needs to get really honest with herself and start asking some hard questions and getting answers that aren't passive, dismissive, illogical, unreasonable, and/or weakly substantiated.

 

I wish all the best for Gaeta. She's gotta do what she thinks is best for her. But, I will reiterate, that it is in her best interest to visit his place at some point.

 

It might be a little messy and not as nice as her place, as she said was his reasoning earlier, but by now, he should be "over" that concern. But, it would also be a bigger reason to only go to her house . . . it's nicer, cleaner, she feeds him, she does his laundry and . . . It's perfect, it's convenient and he doesn't have to clean his place.

 

What's his financial status? What's going on with his permanent visa application/plan and bringing his son to Canada? How's all that going?

[katiegrl]

I am fed up getsmarties keeps saying the fact l didn't meet his family or people from his past is a red flag@!!! They are across the ocean!!!!!

 

Yes l see him often i see him each day!!!

No we don"t spend that much time together he works 6 days a week !!!

 

You guys are really making lots of effort to not understand what l am saying!!

 

Oh to the contrary, I think we understand perfectly what you are saying.

 

Once again.

 

 

We spent a lot of time together but we are not living together, he still has his apartment. He works 6 days a week, he works till 9-10 each night.

 

We don't spend that much time together.

 

 

If those two statements aren't conflicting, then I don't know what is.

 

And yes you see him each day (or night) when he shows up after work at your home at 9:00 or 10:00.

 

Fabulous! Not sure why you said you only spend time on Sundays then, another conflicting message.

 

I understand English is not your first language, but nevertheless when you make conflicting statements such as the ones above, posters are going to be confused, and there is NO need to jump down throats because of that.

 

Just re-post explaining what you actually meant, that's all.

 

I also understand why you don't see his kids, they live a continent away, makes sense!

 

So have him show you photos, etc, talk about them, share his life with you!

 

You say he has offered to do that, why haven't you?

 

No need to answer, just think about it.

 

And I concur what others have said, go see his apt. Make sure he is legit!

 

Not suggesting he isn't but you never know.

 

I mean if someone else was posting, I know you would think it quite odd that their bf hadn't invited them over and actually wanted to share that part of his life with them.... after nearly one year of dating.

 

In fact, you have actually posted as such in response to another poster on a different thread awhile back... I recall your post quite vividly! And even responded to it asking if you had visited your bf's apt yet.

 

I would think after just admitting to being conned for four years... you would be a bit more vigilant and smart about that.

 

Anyhoo, nuff said from me.

 

I am signing off too.

 

Take care and once again, wish you the best, hope it all works out.

Edited September 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[Ami1uwant]

I am the only one to blame for not seeing his place. We both work late and only have Sunday together. No driving across town to see his place is not a priority to me.

 

I have not read this whole thread.

 

It's a concern if you haven't been to his place. In only seeing him on sunday says you aren't the only person he is seeing sn possibly he gas a live in gf ir is married