Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 After one year me and my bf spent our Christmas with our families separately but once my kids went to their dad on Christmas day we spent that whole do solely together. If my bf came with me on Christmas eve I would have been ok but I didn't push it and he was with his kids. What's the rush? Well it looks like he apparently has an apartment but spends most nights with you. Let's not play semantics, he's pretty much living with you. You haven't seen his apartment, met any friends or his family, nor have you spoken with his children? Until you have why are rushing? Btw. I have been with my bf for over 2 years and I don't have his bank accounts nor does he have mine. I have been to his house (too many times to count)...I've met all his siblings and know his kids well. I will take knowing all of that versus his banking information. See my answers above all of your questions. I take your bf was not recently immigrated from another continent like in my case. You spent xmas apart because of your kids. My daughter is 30. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Lets say I am extra sensitive about Xmas. I spent the last 12 ones single. I was looking forward to my next one with a man special to me. This is the crux of the issue. You are disappointed. You also mentioned embarrassment surrounding what your family will think. The question is, is him joining you for Christmas with you family the only way for you to handle those emotions? In other words, is controlling him the only way to handle those emotions? Or could you make peace and move on, allowing him to do as he wished. (FWIW, I suspect that he would join you, at least in time, if not pushed. I'm betting his aversion to being controlled is much stronger than his aversion to Family Christmas.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 This place is unbeleivable. Every day you advise people to wait a full year before moving in together and here l am 1 year in only wanting xmas with my bf and l am accused of rushing!@ Link to post Share on other sites
getsmartie Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 His children are adults they can wait. It's too soon for me to expect xmas with him but not too soon to involve his children. Nice logic. If it's time enough to schedule his adults children on skype don't you think it's time enough to be with me at xmas? What do mean his kids are adults and can wait? Even as adults I'd be curious to chat with who my parent has been seeing. That doesn't seem logical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 Gaeta, I am with you girl. This helping the homeless all of a sudden combined with the fact he doesn't want you asking personal questions about his life along with not sharing certain aspects of his life (such as where he lives for starters).... personally I would seriously re-think this RL. I don't know why you posted this when you specifically knew l have his address and he told me l can go any time l wish. If it was to get the galery going you got it. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 This place is unbeleivable. Every day you advise people to wait a full year before moving in together and here l am 1 year in only wanting xmas with my bf and l am accused of rushing!@ Gaeta, maybe I missed it but NO ONE (except a select few) is suggesting you are wrong for wanting or even expecting your bf to spend your birthday or Christmas with you. Not sure where you are even getting that. From what I have read, all we are suggesting is that, after nearly one year dating and spending nearly every night together, doing chores together, running errands, etc., it is quite strange that you haven't visited his apartment, have not spoken about his past (despite his offers to do so?), you know nothing about his children or his family. That combined with apparently instead of spending Christmas with you, a woman he claims to love, and her family, KNOWING how important it is to you, he would PREFER to spend it "in private." It all just sounds very very odd, that's all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 What do mean his kids are adults and can wait? Even as adults I'd be curious to chat with who my parent has been seeing. That doesn't seem logical. You think 27 year old men are interested in chatting skype with dad's new gf..c'mon. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 It's too soon for me to expect xmas with him but not too soon to involve his children. Nice logic. If it's time enough to schedule his adults children on skype don't you think it's time enough to be with me at xmas? I'm confused. Has he not spent time with your family? I thought he had. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Gaeta, all you should do, and you have, it seems, is explain to him that it is something that is important to you to celebrate holidays. If there are planned family events, you want to be able to share them with a partner. Let him know how important it is to you and if he doesn't want to attend, it's his choice but you will be deeply disappointed. And, the sit back and let him absorb that information. Your current plan is spot on. When the subject comes up again and if he is still hesitant or refuses, you can offer a compromise . . . come with me to my brother's party and if you find it distasteful or unenjoyable, you can leave. I will, however, stay at the party. If he leaves, you have another conversation to say that this is a deal breaker for you and wish him well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 You think 27 year old men are interested in chatting skype with dad's new gf..c'mon. Have you seen photos at least? Gaeta, you KNOW we have your best interests at heart here.... please don't think we don't. And as an another poster suggested, if you were another woman posting the same things as you are now, YOU yourself would be giving the same exact advice we are. At the very minimum, go see his apartment! If he balks at the idea and/or finds excuses why you cannot, THAT is a major red flag right there. One of many in my humble opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
getsmartie Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 You think 27 year old men are interested in chatting skype with dad's new gf..c'mon. One of my bf's daughters is 25 and she couldnt wait to meet me. First meeting was a dinner and a movie together so yea I don't agree. Plus my daughter is also 27 and would be quite curious to meet her parents partner. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I didn't read all of these pages and do t know what the big fuss is about but yeah definitely he should join you at all family events even if he has hang ups about these. It's ridiculous to insist not to go to such events and I would personally not accept it . Redhead's advice is all you need to do. Read it again and do that. My fiancée doesn't celebrate Christmas, never had a tree, doesn't like birthdays and all of that reclusive stuff but now he does Christmas and goes to all the events that are required of him as I do go to his super boring work parties and insufferable (to me) acquaintances houses . He even went overseas with me and suffered through a three day family wedding where he didn't understand a word of what was spoken there without me translating. That's what you do when you blend lives. His attitude is fishy and I don't like it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 OP, your happiness is not your partner's responsibility. Why don't you have fun going to family holiday and birthday events alone? And why would your family judge you or him for that matter?? That doesn't seem like a very kind, loving environment. It seems like your desire to have him be with you for these things is driven by your fear of being judged and your dislike of going alone. Those are your issues. Not his. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 One of my bf's daughters is 25 and she couldnt wait to meet me. First meeting was a dinner and a movie together so yea I don't agree. Plus my daughter is also 27 and would be quite curious to meet her parents partner. Everyone's case is individual, come on! I am 27 and my dad is 50. He has been in a LDR with a woman for 6 months (met her twice before introducing her to me) and I have only recently met her. Before I was actually forced to meet her face-to-face, I avoided talking to her on skype like plague. Actually, I never even showed my face on camera and was telling my dad to stop taking pictures of me and sending her. Was actually rather suspicious and reluctant to get to know about dad's girlfriend (just my anxious nature). Maybe Gaeta boyfriend's kids aren't as bubbly and sweet. Maybe they are also kind of suspicious before they are proven wrong. Maybe they don't get involved in his father's personal life. Some families aren't as tight together. As an immigrant myself, I understand why Gaeta hasn't met any of his family members. Only one of my long term boyfriends got to meet that part of my family that lives back in my home country. They never skyped with them either, cause it's just awkward. It seems to me that many posters are judging rather unfairly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 One of my bf's daughters is 25 and she couldnt wait to meet me. First meeting was a dinner and a movie together so yea I don't agree. Plus my daughter is also 27 and would be quite curious to meet her parents partner. You cannot compare meeting daughters. When I met my ex-boyfriend's daughter she welcomed me like I was her new BFF. That's girls stuff !! His son couldn't care less his father was dating. Let it go, I am not imposing on a 27 year old man to talk to me on skype. He doesn't care. I am a continent away, it's not concrete to him. For all he knows his father will change girlfriend 4 times by the time he sees him again. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 My fiancée doesn't celebrate Christmas, never had a tree, doesn't like birthdays and all of that reclusive stuff but now he does Christmas and goes to all the events that are required of him as I do go to his super boring work parties and insufferable (to me) acquaintances houses . He even went overseas with me and suffered through a three day family wedding where he didn't understand a word of what was spoken there without me translating. That's what you do when you blend lives. His attitude is fishy and I don't like it. Exactly. That is precisely what commitment means and is. Agree with this, combined with everything else, something is definitely fishy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 This is the crux of the issue. You are disappointed. You also mentioned embarrassment surrounding what your family will think. The question is, is him joining you for Christmas with you family the only way for you to handle those emotions? In other words, is controlling him the only way to handle those emotions? Or could you make peace and move on, allowing him to do as he wished. (FWIW, I suspect that he would join you, at least in time, if not pushed. I'm betting his aversion to being controlled is much stronger than his aversion to Family Christmas.) Right now, no. I don't know and can't even envision managing my feelings if he refuses to spend xmas with me. Maybe it's too fresh and I need to let the dust fall. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I agree you need to see his apartment. That combined with this weird holiday issue makes me think he's hiding something :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Everyone's case is individual, come on! I am 27 and my dad is 50. He has been in a LDR with a woman for 6 months (met her twice before introducing her to me) and I have only recently met her. Before I was actually forced to meet her face-to-face, I avoided talking to her on skype like plague. Actually, I never even showed my face on camera and was telling my dad to stop taking pictures of me and sending her. Was actually rather suspicious and reluctant to get to know about dad's girlfriend (just my anxious nature). Maybe Gaeta boyfriend's kids aren't as bubbly and sweet. Maybe they are also kind of suspicious before they are proven wrong. Maybe they don't get involved in his father's personal life. Some families aren't as tight together. As an immigrant myself, I understand why Gaeta hasn't met any of his family members. Only one of my long term boyfriends got to meet that part of my family that lives back in my home country. They never skyped with them either, cause it's just awkward. It seems to me that many posters are judging rather unfairly. Speaking personally I am not judging. I see red flags here and pointing them out (have you read the recent posts?). Why am I pointing them out? Because often times it's difficult for people to be objective about their own situations and it takes caring friends to point things out to them. I care about Gaeta and think she deserves BETTER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 I'm confused. Has he not spent time with your family? I thought he had. Yes he has on several occasions. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Gaeta, in 10 or so months you've never been to his place????? That is a huge concern! I'm sorry if I missed something in this thread or others. If that is the case, why is it that you've never been there? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 (edited) I don't know why you posted this when you specifically knew l have his address and he told me l can go any time l wish. If it was to get the galery going you got it. That accusation was completely unfair and unwarranted Gaeta. No it wasn't to "get the gallery going," it was to get a weigh-in from other posters... so it might sink in more.... because despite having his address, I think the fact you have not been to his place in almost a year of dating.. is a huge red flag. And I think you know this too... which is why you have reacted the way you have. If you want to be mad at me for expressing my feelings about that, then that is your choice. As I've said, and as you know, I happen to care about you and don't want to see you hurt and believe you deserve better. That said, since he said you can visit anytime you wish, as your friend, I would suggest you take him up on that offer, the sooner the better... because things aren't jiving. If you want to know what all those "things" are (from my perspective from everything you have shared), I would be happy to do so in an email. Just let me know. Edited September 20, 2016 by katiegrl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Yes he has on several occasions. Ok, then. That's why it is odd that you have not met any of his (at least through skype). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 (edited) He may be a hoarder, a complete slob. He may live in a boarding house for transients, he may have a woman who lives with him and the relationship is so bad that she doesn't care if he comes or goes or he's stays at her house when he's not with you and painting it as well . . . How a person lives is a big deal when evaluating a partner. 10 months and not seeing where he lives is one of the biggest flags I can think of. Where is he working now? I remember way back in the beginning, you told us that he was backing off because his assignment had ended or was eliminated and he was worried about being required to go back to France because of his work visa. What's the status of that? What is status of permanent residency plans? I haven't been following your threads too closely but I checked in now and again and it seemed to be going well in general. But after reading through this one, I'm skittery again And knowing his address and being told you can go there anytime isn't the same thing as actually seeing it or him actually inviting you and preparing a nice meal for you. And, he said you can go there anytime . . . call him out on it and see what happens. Call him someday and say you're stopping by because you'd love to see his place . . . Edited September 20, 2016 by Redhead14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I had this happen to me once: a guy that I dated turned to be living with an 'exGF'. I don't know if she cared but it was a one bedroom . He was basically homeless guy launch ill with her, then with me (he made me sign a lease with him super fast but even before he spent every night in my home... The rest is in my live-in mooching bf old thread ) He may be a hoarder, a complete slob. He may live in a boarding house for transients, he may have a woman who lives with him and the relationship is so bad that she doesn't care if he comes or goes or he's stays at her house when he's not with you and painting it as well . . . How a person lives is a big deal when evaluating a partner. 10 months and not seeing where he lives is one of the biggest flags I can think of. Where is he working now? I remember way back in the beginning, you told us that he was backing off because his assignment had ended or was eliminated and he was worried about being required to go back to France because of his work visa. What's the status of that? What is status of permanent residency plans? I haven't been following your threads too closely but I checked in now and again and it seemed to be going well in general. But after reading through this one, I'm skittery again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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