Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?

[Gaeta]

If he's perfectly comfortable meeting your parents, it's not a commitment issue. But it doesn't sound like a drained introvert thing either. Maybe he really does have a pathological hatred of birthdays and celebrations, in which case it comes down to:

 

- Does he know this is very important to you? Have you said it explicitly?

- Is he still unwilling?

- Has he offered to spend more time with your family later?

 

If the answer to the second one is still yes, you have a bigger problem. It'a a party, not plutonium; brief exposure will not kill him. I will put up with almost anything if it matters a lot to someone I love. Isn't that par for the course?

 

He has no issue at all in spending time with my family. We see them for BBQ or just for a summer afternoon by the pool on regular basis. He has himself offered we go for a visit or we invite them over. It's really about birthdays it seems.

[Gaeta]

So....

 

Do I bring the subject up again? Do I approach it a different way? Do I say nothing?

 

Meanwhile it's my birthday in 4 weeks. Do I just let it slide and make plans without him?

[AMJ]

You know him pretty well by now, if you say nothing, what will he do?

 

How did you leave the conversation/argument?

 

It seems like he would be most sensitive to your birthday because that's how this all started, with his ex, so many years ago. In which case I'd guess he's going to completely skip your birthday altogether?

 

If you do talk to him again, I suppose you should explain how important this is to you, how you'll be hurt if he can't learn to get over whatever his issue is, etc. And just let him make his own decision....and then you should make yours.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Yes he is.

 

And I told him I don't want to be paying for any of his ex-mistakes. He left everything behind in Europe to start a new life in Canada, and he is bringing 20-year-old resentment toward ex with him !!

 

In a ten month exclusive relationship, I would expect getting out of your comfort zone for the sake of your partner is a normal part of relationships. Getting out of comfort zone and being in a relationship that's not mutually exclusive, it's part and parcel of the requirement of being involved exclusively with someone else. So as something as minimal as going to a birthday party I would wonder what the big deal of it is. Moving across the world, is a bigger step than going to a birthday party for Pete's sake. However he has his reasons, but I would think his reasons aren't clear or big enough to exclude himself of going to something that is important to you.

 

As for bringing 20-year-resntment into a new relationship. I understand, my best friend has felt like she has to deal with the issues surrounding her husband's ex- wife. She doesn't want to know his ex-wife, doesn't want to see his ex-wife, doesn't want to listen to what his ex-wife did to her husband, but for the sake of his children, his ex-wife is part of their world, and a part of her feels married to his ex-wife.

 

Her husband's old marriage and affected his new one to my best friend. He dealt with it, but she wishes he had handled things earlier so not to drag her into it. I think for anyone if you can deal with this stuff way ahead of time before entering a relationship and there is time and opportunity to do so, do it!

 

20-year resentments have such an impending affect on a new relationship. Your partner should have dealt with these things way ahead of time. Sometimes, new relationship brings up brokenness, but that's when you make arrangements to see a counsellor or explain that vulnerability with your new significant other has consequences that even you weren't prepared for, and you are dealing with things that are not related to you. I would always try to apologise way ahead of time. If your partner is dealing with 20-year old baggage and dragging you into it, I will give him significant space or at least tell him that it's not fair to you. After all Gaeta, you're way too smart and savvy to have to deal with it!

[Gaeta]

You know him pretty well by now, if you say nothing, what will he do?

I suspect he will come to the birthday party to please me but then I'll feel awful for forcing him.

 

How did you leave the conversation/argument?

Well, not sure I can call it a conversation. It was mostly me speaking and him saying nothing. After a moment of silence he said he wanted to go look at car racks. He was not mad or anything, the day continued as planned.

 

It seems like he would be most sensitive to your birthday because that's how this all started, with his ex, so many years ago. In which case I'd guess he's going to completely skip your birthday altogether?

We will see if my intuition is good, yes I think he will skip my birthday.

 

If you do talk to him again, I suppose you should explain how important this is to you, how you'll be hurt if he can't learn to get over whatever his issue is, etc. And just let him make his own decision....and then you should make yours.

When we met I mentioned I had a big family that I interacted often with. Also mentioned I was very close to my adult daughter etc. He welcomed everything I said. He has been a good sport with my family and especially with my daughter, he was a big help to her with repairing her car, driving her across town and all.

 

This whole birthday issue came up end of May at his birthday. By then we had been dating 6 months and it was the very first time I heard his dislike for birthdays.

 

So he did not want me to celebrate his birthday. But of course I did not listen, I got him a nice present and took him out to a restaurant. He was a good sport about it, he enjoyed himself and said thank you.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Gaeta

[BluesPower]

G, I do all that stuff for my wife. If it makes her happy it makes me happy. I took her to this antique shop and she got this kind of stupid old kitchen stool. It was rusted, no decent seat, kind of a piece of crap. But she loved it so I took it home sanded it down, painted it, put a new seat on in and she was just so happy. To this day I shake my head about that. We still have it.

 

I even listen to all the stuff she says about girl stuff, or bigfoot or whatever. Women seem to love to talk about all types of stuff, and a lot of it is interesting if you take time to listen.

 

If it ever just gets to be too much, I just make love to her so as to distract her, works every time.

 

You are not out of line, just talk to him in the open and highly evolved way that you guys are capable of, he will come around.

[xxoo]

Yes indeed. A couple of months ago I had a thread about him fearing being controlled.

 

 

It's one of those things. The more you push him to do it, the stronger he feels about not doing it.

 

If you can let go of the power struggle and let him have his will to attend or not attend, he'd likely start attending over time to please you.

 

If he attends family events outside of birthdays and holidays, your family will know him. They can ask him themselves about his aversion to birthday parties. It's really only a big deal if you make it one.

 

Life is too short, and good men too hard to find, to fight over birthday parties someone doesn't want to attend.

[h0000]

So do you have an actual problem G? Like has he actually turned down your birthday invite or some 50th birthday invite or something? You said he does go spend time fishy your parents, so what is the problem here did I miss something?

A lot of your threads are actually not anything important any all. Mostly just trivial matters and really aren't problems unless you make them.I think you have a good BF. You have nothing to worry about really

[Gaeta]

So when we went to bed last night I told him I was sorry for my bossiness on Sunday and that now I was willing to listen to him and know in details how he feels about holidays.

 

So he basically told me the same thing we hear on here sometimes. To him it's too commercial, he does not want to be dictate when he should spend time with family and when he should give them gifts. It's all an obligation imposed by society he does not want to obey to. He said he wants to spend Xmas going to Church and do voluntary work for the homeless and the elderly spending Xmas alone. He wants Xmas to be about doing acts of charity.

 

I said sometimes we do great acts of charity to strangers but forget the little acts of charity toward people close to us is as valuable, that forgetting his dislike of holidays and attending Xmas dinner with his girlfriend because it's important to her is also an act of charity. He said yes.

 

So I asked what I should expect for the coming holidays. He said I can go visit my family and enjoy myself while he will go to Church and celebrate in private.

 

We were in bed and the lights were off. I turned around and he wrapped his arms around me. I was so overwhelmed that I started crying in silence. He asked me why I was crying and I said he didn't cry because the holidays was only a stupid commercial tradition to him he doesn't want to obey by but for me it's a life long important tradition and it has a deep meaning for me and for my family, that's why I cry. Because when I show up alone at dinner with my entire family there they will wonder what kind of arse I am dating that he can't find it in himself to accompany me.

 

He said: great, now I won't sleep at all.

 

He said he loved me and we didn't say another word.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Gaeta

[Art_Critic]

When I was a smallish child my Dad's Father, my Grandpa passed away on Christmas Eve/early morning Christmas Day. He had a fight with his Dad that night before and felt guilty about it so he then proceeded to take it out on the children for the next 15 years.

 

Growing up my Dad made Christmas the worst possible holiday ever, he would not get up till about 11am and had a rule that nobody could open any presents before he had Breakfast, which almost always made it close to noon... and grumpy he was...

 

It has to be one of the worst things my Dad did to us children growing up.. what an ass... and all for the guilt he felt and then because it happened on a holiday.

 

Today as an adult I make Christmas one happy holiday and appreciate the holiday and the spirit of it.

 

If your BF is truly being an ass like my Dad then have it out with him, I wish that my Step Mother and my Mom had done it and they didn't... it ruined all of our Christmas's for years and it didn't need to...

 

 

There is no reason he needs to carry baggage like that for 15 years into a new relationship to the point it affects the relationship.

[Art_Critic]

Because when I show up alone at dinner with my entire family there they will wonder what kind of arse I am dating that he can't find it in himself to accompany me.

 

I have to admit and honestly wish I didn't feel this way but I agree, hopefully you can get thru this with him and he will see what he is doing or rather what his behavior and the effect of it will have on you.

 

Maybe he will come around....

Edited September 20, 2016 by Art_Critic
spelling

[Shining One]

This is the first time I've seen someone being called an ass for spending the holidays in church and doing volunteer work for the less fortunate.

 

From the outside looking in, it sounds like you two have different holiday traditions. His involves doing acts of charity and yours involves time with family. He is not asking you to sacrifice your preferred way of spending the holidays. You are asking him to sacrifice his. Have you considered suggesting a compromise? Perhaps the two of you can spend half the day volunteering and then go to dinner with your family. What he wants to do is important to him, just like what you want to do is important to you.

I said sometimes we do great acts of charity to strangers but forget the little acts of charity toward people close to us is as valuable

Personally, I would be offended if a girlfriend, whom I've already done a lot for, said this to me.

[Gaeta]

We have a saying in my language that says you cannot neglect your own and be proud of yourself for helping strangers.

 

When I met him I had not gone to Church in 15+ years. I had thrown all that out the window. Since I met him I go to Church with him every Sunday, not because I like it, I get nothing out of it, I go with him because I know my presence means something to him. That is the kind of love I am looking from him.

 

And he doesn't want to skip Xmas with me to do volunteer work, he wants to skip Xmas with me because he thinks it's commercial. If he, indeed, had spent all of his past Xmas doing volunteer work, if he would offer me to drop by on Xmas night before heading to his volunteer work SURE I'd be happy and even proud! But it's not the case.

 

As for him doing so much for me? what makes you think I have not done even more for him? you have to be careful with these type of statements.

[No_Go]

Christmas is months away, he may change his mind.

 

Or why don't you compromise something: like he comes with you to have dinner with your family, and then you go to church with him for the night service?

 

People that didn't have proper family holidays I think have hard time grasping the notion that it is something important. I think you come from a very close family (which btw is not the case for the majority of people) and that's why it is such a big deal for you.

[Shining One]

As for him doing so much for me? what makes you think I have not done even more for him? you have to be careful with these type of statements.

You're missing my point. I never accused you of not doing things for him.

I said sometimes we do great acts of charity to strangers but forget the little acts of charity toward people close to us is as valuable

By saying this, you are "forgetting" about the acts of charity he has done for you and your family, such as this:

He has been a good sport with my family and especially with my daughter, he was a big help to her with repairing her car, driving her across town and all.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Shining One

[Jejangles]

I don't think I would be happy with someone who would not celebrate important holidays with me. My family doesn't celebrate every holiday, but we pretty much always celebrate Christmas, and I would be very sad to have to attend without my loved one.

 

I understand being anti commercialism, but it also feels like your boyfriend is being rigid. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer and make someone's holiday brighter and still make it on Christmas Day for lunch. I also think big birthdays like a 50th are mandatory attendance. Sometimes we do things for those we love that aren't our first choice. My grandfather was an introvert and didn't always like social occasions. As a result, my extroverted grandmother attended many events alone. But he was always there for the big occasions, and they were both ok with that compromise.

 

At the end of the day, it's your boyfriend's choice to attend these events or not. And it's your decision as to whether you can be happy with someone who chooses not to accompany you to events that matter to you.

[jen1447]

He said: great, now I won't sleep at all.

 

Wow - so it turns out he's the one who wants to die on this hill.

 

When I met him I had not gone to Church in 15+ years. I had thrown all that out the window. Since I met him I go to Church with him every Sunday, not because I like it, I get nothing out of it, I go with him because I know my presence means something to him. That is the kind of love I am looking from him.

 

Much the same here, but just on Christmas - I go to church w my BF and his parents bc it makes them (his parents) happy. I'd much rather lay in bed or do my preferred recreational activity but it just seems appallingly dickish for me to turn them down on such a small thing.

[katiegrl]

I don't think I would be happy with someone who would not celebrate important holidays with me. My family doesn't celebrate every holiday, but we pretty much always celebrate Christmas, and I would be very sad to have to attend without my loved one.

 

I understand being anti commercialism, but it also feels like your boyfriend is being rigid. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer and make someone's holiday brighter and still make it on Christmas Day for lunch. I also think big birthdays like a 50th are mandatory attendance. Sometimes we do things for those we love that aren't our first choice. My grandfather was an introvert and didn't always like social occasions. As a result, my extroverted grandmother attended many events alone. But he was always there for the big occasions, and they were both ok with that compromise.

 

At the end of the day, it's your boyfriend's choice to attend these events or not. And it's your decision as to whether you can be happy with someone who chooses not to accompany you to events that matter to you.

 

Well said... and my sentiments exactly.

 

We make concessions for those we LOVE, just like you, Gaeta, make concessions for him like attending Church.

[mortensorchid]

Well, this is an incompatibility if you are excited about celebrating a holiday/birthday and the other party is not. It could be a big deal, or it could be small - you would be surprised how many make it into a deal breaker.

 

Years ago, I was with the man i thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life, but no dice. I found out that he did not like to celebrate birthdays or holidays. I was looking forward to having the first holiday season together, quite honestly. And he seemed to do anything and everything to ruin occasions, be they actual holidays or just events like parties. I invited him to them, he said he didn't want to go, forget, then get angry when I would go without him even though he said he didn't want to. He was also one of those lame people who got all depressed when his birthday was rolling around, thinking he had not accomplished anything. Quite honestly, I didn't think something like that had anything to do with me, and still doesn't. I had hoped over time he would acknowledge that this was just a difference but he broke it off, like an idiot.

 

Today? I have learned thanks to him (or should I thank him) to not make a big deal out of holidays and occasions, it intimidates the other party.

[katiegrl]

Well, this is an incompatibility if you are excited about celebrating a holiday/birthday and the other party is not. It could be a big deal, or it could be small - you would be surprised how many make it into a deal breaker.

 

Years ago, I was with the man i thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life, but no dice. I found out that he did not like to celebrate birthdays or holidays. I was looking forward to having the first holiday season together, quite honestly. And he seemed to do anything and everything to ruin occasions, be they actual holidays or just events like parties. I invited him to them, he said he didn't want to go, forget, then get angry when I would go without him even though he said he didn't want to. He was also one of those lame people who got all depressed when his birthday was rolling around, thinking he had not accomplished anything. Quite honestly, I didn't think something like that had anything to do with me, and still doesn't. I had hoped over time he would acknowledge that this was just a difference but he broke it off, like an idiot.

 

Today? I have learned thanks to him (or should I thank him) to not make a big deal out of holidays and occasions, it intimidates the other party.

 

At this point, it's not even about the birthday or holidays though.

 

It's about what him not wanting to accompany Gaeta *means.*

 

Rigid, selfish, lack of empathy for HER feelings.

 

I am sorry for trashing him and I was sticking up for him at first, but he really just sounds like a rigid insensitive arse at this point.

 

Gaeta, I wouldn't count on him attending your daughter's 30th either.

[AMJ]

When people try to volunteer at soup kitchens around the holidays, you'll find that there is no space for volunteers, all the slots are filled. And the staff at soup kitchens say- gee, we'd really love to see all this holiday spirit the rest of year, when we are scrounging for food and volunteers to serve it. It's like people feel so much guilt about everything that's gone wrong in their lives and it all comes to a head during holidays.

 

If serving the homeless or elderly was so important to him, does he do those things on a regular basis? To insist on spending Christmas that way, in the midst of the conversation he was having with his GF, is like a standoff. My values of what's important over yours. And the only way he can justify skipping the family holiday is by being a "better person" who wants to help the less fortunate.

 

I'm so sorry Gaeta this would break my heart too. I think your BF is a giant idiot. His stubbornness is going to get in the way of his own happiness, and if he doesn't knock it off he will end up very lonely.

 

I can't say I've read all your other threads about this relationship, but here so far I've noticed when you defend him, you bring up the service-y type things he does for you- painting your house, fixing your daughter's car, etc. To me, if I had to weigh what was more important in my life, I can always pay someone to fix my car and paint my house...but having someone next to me at Christmas dinner and my brothers 50th birthday is infinitely more important and not something money can buy.

[Gaeta]

I really didn't see this one coming. Especially not this far along in the relationship.

 

If I was a couple of months into this I would just move on but I have a year invested and a beautiful year.

 

Maybe our last night conversation will stir something in him. He was extra kind this morning, called me twice on his way to work for no reasons, which is not in his habits.

[Shining One]

To me, if I had to weigh what was more important in my life, I can always pay someone to fix my car and paint my house...but having someone next to me at Christmas dinner and my brothers 50th birthday is infinitely more important and not something money can buy.

Different people, different values. My girlfriend repainted most of my condo as I was remodeling it. I can't tell you how much I value her doing that. She can skip all of my family gatherings for a year with no pressure from me.

 

With that being said, if Gaeta feels as you do and values the company more than the acts of service, she should have that discussion with him. If my girlfriend told me that she would prefer I accompany her to some events instead of doing some of the things I do for her, I would be open to it.

[AMJ]

Different people, different values. My girlfriend repainted most of my condo as I was remodeling it. I can't tell you how much I value her doing that. She can skip all of my family gatherings for a year with no pressure from me.

 

With that being said, if Gaeta feels as you do and values the company more than the acts of service, she should have that discussion with him. If my girlfriend told me that she would prefer I accompany her to some events instead of doing some of the things I do for her, I would be open to it.

 

I think she just DID have that discussion with him. Anyway after a year of dating, it's probably pretty evident at this point that her family means a lot to her.

I doubt she's kept them a secret all this time.

 

Of course different people have different values, this is about whether her values are compatible with her BFs.

[Weezy1973]

If the relationship is worth it, you both should be able to come up with a compromise. Half the events you both go to and the other half you both don't go to. Or something like that. If it's a deal breaker, then break the deal.