Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?

[katiegrl]

I have not read this whole thread.

 

It's a concern if you haven't been to his place. In only seeing him on sunday says you aren't the only person he is seeing sn possibly he gas a live in gf ir is married

 

On behalf of Gaeta as no doubt she is tired of repeating this same info ad nauseum.

 

He spends every night at her home, after he gets off work at 9:00/10:00 PM.

 

He stays the entire night then leaves in the morning for work and starts all over again. Six days a week.

 

Sunday is their only FULL day together.

 

Read the thread.

 

That said, I agree she needs to see his apartment.

Edited September 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I have not read this whole thread.

 

It's a concern if you haven't been to his place. In only seeing him on sunday says you aren't the only person he is seeing sn possibly he gas a live in gf ir is married

 

She clarified later that he comes by her place each night after work around 10 but Sunday is the only day they spend the whole day together.

 

She said that she knows his address and that he's said she could go there. She's opted not to drive all the way across town to do that for 10 months.

[Quiet Storms]

I've been following this thread, and I've gone back and read some of your other threads on this guy OP.

 

This situation has more red flags than a Chinese military parade.

 

I think you are defensive exactly because you know something is off here. This man's "issue" with birthdays and holidays is beyond weird. It's really disturbing.

 

His comment, when you asked him about going to your brother's 50th birthday party, saying "Well I might be dead then!" is just illustrating a very immature personality. His whole attitude about this sounds like a 13 year old whiny girl. I'm sorry but it really does.

 

In one of your first threads about this guy the issue being discussed was whether or not you should know his past related to his scars. You were saying that you didn't ask and didn't expect him to tell something like that. Ummm, huh? In a serious exclusive relationship?

 

I just read in another of your threads that he is not very close to his kids. This is something that you denied ever saying - or being the case - on THIS thread. So which is it? It's just very confusing.

 

I can understand your not having met his family because they all live a continent away. However, you don't want to drive across town even ONE time to find out how this guy lives? (Especially given the fact that you haven't met any of his family/friends?) That seems incredibly bizarre to me - unless you are afraid of what you might find? Not sure what else to think about that one. That would have been one of the first things I did before committing to him.

 

OP you are clearly a VERY strong personality and do not like to be questioned. You like to control situations and you get defensive very easily (said gently - just my impression from the thread). People like that can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with. I understand that he is apparently much the same way, which makes it doubly hard. But then it makes it all that much more important to try to step away from the situation and hear others who can be objective. My two cents.

[Shining One]

She's opted not to drive all the way across town to do that for 10 months.

However, you don't want to drive across town even ONE time to find out how this guy lives?

To be honest, I don't think this is that "odd". The vast majority of women I've dated dislike driving. I'm usually handling the majority of the driving from the second date. If my house wasn't close to her and she enjoyed hosting, we would spend most of the time at her place. My ex of three years didn't see my place until we were into the second year. She was here a total of four times. Most of the other women I dated only came to my place when I brought them here.

[Gaeta]

Does he stay there each night as well or at least a couple of nights? If not, seeing her for a couple of hours sometime after 10 o'clock each night during the week and on Saturday really isn't significant in terms of quality time spent -- comes in 10:30ish, she feeds him, they smooch a little and he goes home. It's nice that he does that much at least, but it's easier than going home, cooking for himself and not smooching. And, I don't know what time she gets up, but staying up past midnight every night and then going to work is going to take it's toll. They aren't kids anymore.

He sleeps over each night of the week. Even you can't read something I mentionned several times in this thread. People don't read the thread, they check the last page, read this info you are posting and because you are redhead they think It's accurate information. Then this thread gets out of control on half truth.

 

 

What's his financial status? What's going on with his permanent visa application/plan and bringing his son to Canada? How's all that going?

 

Everything is straiten up, he has his work permit and works 6 days a week...again something I said 10 times in this thread.

[Toodaloo]

Hang on Gaeta...

 

You have not been to this mans home and you have been dating how long? 10 months?

 

Something very wrong here...

 

Thats very basic "keep yourself safe" and "check compatibility"information...

 

Gaeta you have no idea about this man if you haven't seen where he lives, how he lives and what his life style is! You of all people know this. You do not need any of is to say this...

 

Please do not do this to yourself...

[Gaeta]

Hang on Gaeta...

 

You have not been to this mans home and you have been dating how long? 10 months?

 

Something very wrong here...

 

Thats very basic "keep yourself safe" and "check compatibility"information...

 

Gaeta you have no idea about this man if you haven't seen where he lives, how he lives and what his life style is! You of all people know this. You do not need any of is to say this...

 

Please do not do this to yourself...

 

Katiegr: Look what you have done.

 

That is what happens when you report only part of an info on purpose. Since your post my thread has turned into a circus.

 

I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES. I HAVE HAD HIS ADDRESS SINCE FIRST MONTH.

[Gaeta]

I've been following this thread, and I've gone back and read some of your other threads on this guy OP.

 

This situation has more red flags than a Chinese military parade.

 

I think you are defensive exactly because you know something is off here. This man's "issue" with birthdays and holidays is beyond weird. It's really disturbing.

 

His comment, when you asked him about going to your brother's 50th birthday party, saying "Well I might be dead then!" is just illustrating a very immature personality. His whole attitude about this sounds like a 13 year old whiny girl. I'm sorry but it really does.

 

In one of your first threads about this guy the issue being discussed was whether or not you should know his past related to his scars. You were saying that you didn't ask and didn't expect him to tell something like that. Ummm, huh? In a serious exclusive relationship?

 

I just read in another of your threads that he is not very close to his kids. This is something that you denied ever saying - or being the case - on THIS thread. So which is it? It's just very confusing.

 

I can understand your not having met his family because they all live a continent away. However, you don't want to drive across town even ONE time to find out how this guy lives? (Especially given the fact that you haven't met any of his family/friends?) That seems incredibly bizarre to me - unless you are afraid of what you might find? Not sure what else to think about that one. That would have been one of the first things I did before committing to him.

 

OP you are clearly a VERY strong personality and do not like to be questioned. You like to control situations and you get defensive very easily (said gently - just my impression from the thread). People like that can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with. I understand that he is apparently much the same way, which makes it doubly hard. But then it makes it all that much more important to try to step away from the situation and hear others who can be objective. My two cents.

 

No one is objective on here. They all want me to terminate a happy relationship based on facts that I did not visit his home yet, or I have not skyped with his adults sons. It's ridiculous!! They completely ignore the 99% of this relationship THAT WORKS and that makes me happy!!

 

NO I DID not visit his place!!! EACH TIME HE OFFERED I DECLINED. I had better things to do!!! and now half this thread is about him not taking me to his home!! See how frustrating???

[xxoo]

They completely ignore the 99% of this relationship THAT WORKS and that makes me happy!!

 

Does it make you happy? Because you are threatening ultimatum over a birthday party.

 

It seems like it makes you happy as long as some things are ignored. Everyone can ignore some things. The question is, how much can you ignore?

[No_Go]

See my post #152 for a reason why to make time for a visit. My guy also spent every night with me before we move in, I knew his address, I just didn't know that his 'ex'GF of 4 years was living there and trying to kick him out (because he was broke - I.e. practically homeless). If I checked I could have bought a luxurious holiday with the > $7k that he conned subsequently...

 

No one is objective on here. They all want me to terminate a happy relationship based on facts that I did not visit his home yet, or I have not skyped with his adults sons. It's ridiculous!! They completely ignore the 99% of this relationship THAT WORKS and that makes me happy!!

 

NO I DID not visit his place!!! EACH TIME HE OFFERED I DECLINED. I had better things to do!!! and now half this thread is about him not taking me to his home!! See how frustrating???

[Gaeta]

I have not read this whole thread.

 

It's a concern if you haven't been to his place. In only seeing him on sunday says you aren't the only person he is seeing sn possibly he gas a live in gf ir is married

 

Look, again.

 

I see him every day

 

He sleep over my place each night

 

I have not been to his place but have his address and declined going when he offered because I did not feel like spending my Sunday driving across town.

 

He even made a joke last week that I have to go to his place cause soon we'll be together 2 years and still won't see his place.

 

This thread was suppose to be about his aversion for holidays.

 

Now half of it is devoted to his damn place.

[Gaeta]

See my post #152 for a reason why to make time for a visit. My guy also spent every night with me before we move in, I knew his address, I just didn't know that his 'ex'GF of 4 years was living there and trying to kick him out (because he was broke - I.e. practically homeless). If I checked I could have bought a luxurious holiday with the > $7k that he conned subsequently...

 

I will go see his place this weekend so we can put this to rest.

[getsmartie]

I said I'd be bowing out but I have to say....

 

Not spending Xmas with you and your family is a concern-a red flag

 

You not going over to see his place-another flag

 

Just keep adding these up.

 

As a side note, I also had my ex's address but never saw it because "tenants" were there. Like I said he was a con man. That place was not his....and even though your thread was about his eversion to holidays, which I find odd, it went off to not seeing his place yet...just adding up flags.

[Gaeta]

Than blame me for not going to his place, don't add red flags on him because of it.

 

I think everything has been said here.

 

I thank everyone for participating. Please do not get offended if you see caps locks here and there, it's just frustration from repeating myself over and over. I am not mad at anyone.

 

That being said this thread has hurt my relationship more than it helped it. I will consider long and hard before posting again.

 

I grew so much frustration since I started this thread that I have been unfairly pushing my BF away for the past 2 days.

 

If he were abusive, if he sucked money out of me, if he were disrespectful in anyway I would understand this up roar about him on here but this is a man that has been enhancing my life in many ways so no, I am not receptive at attacks on him.

[MissBee]

Lets say your BF does not like birthdays and holidays but it's a big deal to you, will you ask him to step out of his comfort zone for you?

 

I am asking my BF to do just that because to me love is not about the easy-breezy moments, love is about him stepping out of his comfort zone for something important to ME because I am important to HIM.

 

Am I on the wrong track?

 

I think if someone has to step too much out of their comfort zone and doesn't want to, then it's probably a case that the couple is incompatible if many things require that.

 

However, some compromises are normal, especially if it's stuff that's not a huge deal and they can easily adapt to. It also comes down to love languages IMO, where part of this seems to be that celebrating those things makes you feel loved, and if so, why not?

 

I don't think you should pressure him, I think all you can do is express how important they are to you, how it's one way you feel loved and that you'be very happy/appreciative if he would do it for you. It's up to him after to honor that on his own because he loves you or not....but if you had to push the issue multiple times it will just be frustrating for all and sort of not as meaningful if he ends up grudgingly agreeing. It's also important to find out why he isn't into it. Sometimes something is no big deal to us, but for others, they could have had traumatic experiences with it growing up or things like that, so now as an adult they avoid it, and I think if it is something more serious like that, then it's actually also a point where you might need to step back and respect that and choose something else you will share rather than require the person go through something emotionally painful just to make you happy. Which is the point of relationships: compromising in a way that serves the well-being of both people and not one person going out of their comfort zone to make the other happy.

[Redhead14]

Look, again.

 

I see him every day

 

He sleep over my place each night

 

I have not been to his place but have his address and declined going when he offered because I did not feel like spending my Sunday driving across town.

 

He even made a joke last week that I have to go to his place cause soon we'll be together 2 years and still won't see his place.

 

This thread was suppose to be about his aversion for holidays.

 

Now half of it is devoted to his damn place.

 

It's very easy to lose track/misinterpret threads and I thank you for taking the time to clarify. I've read somethings that are contradictory and so, it's due diligence for me to get clarity for myself in order to continue evaluating on your behalf. After all, that is why you are here, is it not? It takes quite a lot of time and patience to read some of these really long threads and to be on top of each and every response.

 

This thread, however, has gone off a topic for a reason. After a thread starter starts out asking for advice about one thing and more info comes to light that clearly pales in importance compared to the new information, it draws my attention away from the original topic, for sure.

 

I for one am not too concerned about the holiday "thing", it is a tough thing to figure out and your plan for handling that at the moment is the best way to handle that.

 

You have bigger things to be concerned about than whether or not he goes to holiday events . . . If you 're evaluating a partner for long-term potential, you leave no stone unturned. You have nothing to lose by making a visit there. IMO, there seems to be a lot of "holes" in this scenario. We can only go by what you've told us, it's true, but I do think we aren't getting the full picture here.

 

You apparently didn't see my post where I explained that I haven't been following your threads too closely anymore anyway because it seemed to have been going ok, but when I see stuff that is glaring, I do say something. I am not the only one who KNOWS that it is a problem to not visit a dating partner's home at least once especially in a 10 month period even if it's been by your choice. If you went there, you could see pictures of his children, since he doesn't bring any with him and assuming he has any up.

 

In terms of the time you spend with this guy, a couple of hours each night and a whole day on Sunday for 10 months, really adds up to nothing in terms of getting to know each other.

 

We just want you to be more diligent and expecting of him in terms of what he's telling you and showing you, what you know about him. Be honest with yourself -- are you feeling secure enough in this relationship? And, if not, why not? What's missing for you or preventing you from feeling secure? You did have a thread about when a partner should start feeling secure in a relationship not too long ago. You wouldn't be asking that question if you'd been feeling secure. Are there questions you've asked him and haven't gotten concrete answers to? From what I've read, he's given some very passive, dismissive responses to things.

 

Just be careful is all we are saying. If you don't want to hear about flags that we may observe, fine. I, for one, had been raising flags since pretty much the beginning with this guy.

 

You've been adamant about the fact that it is your choice not to visit his place and it's no big deal and yet you've been pushing him away because of THIS THREAD . . . ??????

[MissBee]

It seems like he makes a lot of effort to travel to see you daily, plus get to know your family. On the other hand, you've never been to his place or spoken to his family.

 

I'm surprised that you are angry about him not doing enough, specifically family birthdays.

 

I didn't read the entire thread when I initially responded, but having read through my perspective has changed a bit with the details and I agree.

 

Initially, I didn't realize it was a brother's birthday party, I assumed it was about celebrating Gaeta's birthday or spending holidays with her. I also was under the impression that he didn't attend any family functions with her and that this was the one thing she was asking of him....

 

Now I see that it's a different situation where he does attend ALL kinds of family stuff, her family knows him, he seems far more integrated into her side of life than she is into his (which I will agree is odd. This reminds me of married or committed guys and their OW where the OW of course can never meet his family, visit his home or be part of his life in that way, but on her end everyone thinks he is her normal single bf. I'm not saying he's secretly married or anything, just that that sort of lopsidedness usually happens in more questionable relationships).

 

It also seems less about holidays being truly meaningful and more about keeping up appearances and not being "embarrassed" or "unaccompanied for the 10000th time" or people thinking he is an ass. I would hope your family wouldn't be unreasonable; if they know him and have met him all these other times and didn't think he was an ass, why is he now an ass just because he didn't come to your brother's birthday? I agree that this seems like a personal issue and you and your family's baggage...where he isn't responsible for not having your family question you or for not making you feel embarrassed or for you wanting to show them you have a man on a holiday and aren't unaccompanied for the 1000th time. Trust me, I get the feeling, it's not wrong, but what is wrong is when we bring our own issues and baggage to the table and want other people to do things they don't want to do in service of our own ego and existing family dynamic when it's really not their job.

 

I know this post is about this one issue, but it would be disingenuous to try to subtract it from the larger relationship. It may be more worth it to have more parity and have more intimacy on BOTH sides and focus on strengthening your relationship where you are also more involved in his side of life than just being worried about if he will come to your brother's birthday or Christmas this year. I guarantee that the closer you get and the more emotional intimacy and transparency you have, other things will tend to smooth out as well and then by next Christmas if you are still together, he will perhaps be willing to be with you then. So it's really about if the ultimate goal is to truly have a solid relationship or to have a date for Christmas and the party so your family won't think you're a lonely spinster?

Edited September 21, 2016 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Katiegr: Look what you have done.

 

That is what happens when you report only part of an info on purpose. Since your post my thread has turned into a circus.

 

I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES. I HAVE HAD HIS ADDRESS SINCE FIRST MONTH.

 

The poster said you have not seen where he lives.

 

Being to someone's house and having their address on a piece of paper or knowing where it is aren't the same. No?

 

I really think it's insufficient to just know your bf's address but you've never been inside their home (because of tools?)

 

Having been an OW before, I am also sensitive to this because I knew where he lived for a while, I had his address, but I had never been there, slept there, seen his place. How was the theoretical knowledge really helpful? While he had been to mine, met my friends, my sister, saw how I lived. He had a MUCH MORE honest and full picture of my life having seen me on my turf, in my own home environment, among my friends and people who knew me best while for me, I had no opportunities for that, so I knew him, but there was quite a big chunk missing. Knowing someone isn't just about the time you spend having pillow talk but also how they interact with people who know them best and in THEIR space. This is also really part of the whole thing right? He is getting to see you on your space, with your family, he's getting lots of insight into your family dynamics, how you live, far more than you have of him....

 

Which goes back to my last post where I said, I'd focus on having it be less lopsided (I know his family isn't here so there isn't much to be done, although who knows, maybe you all can take a trip to France next year) rather than worrying about if he can come to a birthday party. Seeing his apartment is also something you can do something about....if he does ALL this and more in terms of seeing your family and coming to your place, it doesn't jive to me that not one time in 10 months you can ever see his place because it's "not a priority." I don't mean to be rude but it sounds lame. I think seeing his apartment and how he lives and taking that step might be more important than him attending your brother's birthday party....like your brother and family will definitely get over it...

 

Also, why are you saying you don't live together when you do? When does he go home and stay there? You say he comes to your place 6 days a week after work, sleeps there and then goes to work and comes back there and then is there all day Sunday....I don't understand how that's not living together if he is never at his place and only goes to work and comes back to you and not his own apartment. He's paying rent to never be at his apartment? It's strange....go see his place....even spend some time their just to see how he lives and does stuff on his turf, it's important. If you have a bigger or nicer place, then you can of course go back to what you're doing now, but I think it's reasonable and only normal to at least see how he hosts you and how that is on his end so you have some means of comparison and a fuller picture. I don't see the harm in this and I see more ways not doing this can turn out for the worse.

[Nightwriter]

This thread moves fast. I don't think not seeing boyfriend's place or having not met any of his family/friends is necessarily a red flag on his part because the OP chose not to do it. He did not withhold it from her. Maybe she's just not curious. But...

 

I hope the OP recognizes there are huge parts of his life that are not known. For me, when I met the family of women I've dated, many things about their personality made sense. If you pay attention, you can tell a lot about a person from how they interact with family, and to a less extent, their friends. You can also tell a lot about a person from how they live. If I get involved with someone, I don't just want to know the person they present themselves to be to me, but the person they really are, the beautiful and the ugly.

 

Back to the holiday/birthday thing. Does he see his resentment or anxiety over it as an issue and is this something he is willing to work though with counseling? The best way to deal with disagreements is that OP and her boyfriend have true empathy towards each other's point of view and talk through it rather than make demands. That's real communication.

[Gaeta]

Also, why are you saying you don't live together when you do? When does he go home and stay there? You say he comes to your place 6 days a week after work, sleeps there and then goes to work and comes back there and then is there all day Sunday....I don't understand how that's not living together if he is never at his place and only goes to work and comes back to you and not his own apartment. He's paying rent to never be at his apartment? It's strange....go see his place....even spend some time their just to see how he lives and does stuff on his turf, it's important. If you have a bigger or nicer place, then you can of course go back to what you're doing now, but I think it's reasonable and only normal to at least see how he hosts you and how that is on his end so you have some means of comparison and a fuller picture. I don't see the harm in this and I see more ways not doing this can turn out for the worse.

 

We are not living together as in we have not moved in together. No it's not strange that he is keeping his apartment. We are dating 10 months, moving in together is a big decision for everyone, including me. He is immigrant here with very little resources I can understand he wants to take his time before abandoning his apartment and living officially with me. If he lets his apartment go and it's not working with us he may fear he'll be pushed outside the door with no time or money to resettle.

 

Of course I have a bigger and nicer place. I am also better established, have a bigger social circle and bigger financial means. I am a native of this land, he has been here 18 months. I doubt he spent his living money on pots and pants and fancy dishes to host visitors.

[AMJ]

If your relationship is strong, you feel secure, then how possibly could the responses from this thread- strangers who don't know either of you personally, we only know the details you've given us here- actually impact your relationship to the point you are pulling away?

 

Just skimming through the threads you've posted about this RL indicate that he's pretty insecure about a lot of things. Now it seems you are too (and I would be too!).

[Gaeta]

You did have a thread about when a partner should start feeling secure in a relationship not too long ago.

 

Redhead: I wrote that thread at 3 months dating. Not too long ago? You talk about it as if it was yesterday. It was normal to have this questioning at 3 months. You know relationships aren't pored in concrete and evolve, change, as they grow. We are close to 11 months dating now. That old thread is irrelevant.

[William]

Thanks so much for your responses and I hope they've been helpful to the thread starter. thread closed by request

Edited September 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator