Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?

[Gaeta]

My next step is to give him a little bit of time to process everything that has been said between us. My birthday is in 4 weeks so the subject will have to be brought up again.

 

Thank you all for your time and advice.

[elaine567]

He needs to get over this, he is a 49 yo man, his ex may have been abusive, he may have been very upset at the time, but no-one died here, no-one got hit or sexually abused or tortured..

 

He bought her a gift she didn't like, so he says he will change it, she is pleased or she is not pleased, they fight and he calls her an ungrateful [insert derogatory term of choice] and he just takes it back to the shop and gets a refund. Next time he asks her before he buys, or he never buys her a gift again, it is hardly a huge deal. I get the disappointment, I get the spoiling the surprise, I get the whole feeling of ruining what should have been a good day, but it is not something you carry around for 15 years surely?

Why let that woman spoil other people's fun?

 

I think this "I hate birthdays and holidays" routine may just be an excuse, but if it isn't just an excuse, then he may have deeper psychological issues, than he is admitting to.

This issue may actually go right back to his childhood, his ex may have inadvertently pulled a string that was attached to bigger and more profound problems, and that is really why he cannot let it go.

[Miss Peach]

I really am not very sentimental so I really don't care about birthdays and holidays. I only celebrate them for two reasons. They are important to BF and the kiddo.

 

I also sometimes go to a church I dislike because BF was raised in it and his parents are still heavily involved. So when they visit we all go to church. BF had been nervous about asking me but I told him I was happy to spend a few hours to support him even though I didn't care for his church and am not religious.

 

I also went to a long time friend's bachelor party. I didn't care for the activity or the drinking but I wanted to support my friend.

 

I think this is the type of thing you need to learn to compromise on. I'm surprised to the degree he's willing to posture over this. IMO sometimes you need to do things for people you care about that are important to them even if it's not what you want to be doing. I would understand your BF's concerns if it were a time-intensive thing but a few hours or a day each year is not something I would consider a big deal.

[h0000]

What if your BF is the one complaining that you refuse to celebrate your 50th with him together at the church, how would you feel?? What is your BF is complaining you never spend Xmas with him helping out the poor, how would you feel?

 

I don't think him helping out others on holidays is "neglecting his own family"

 

You said he does spend time with family, just not on all the holidays. So he is not neglecting.

 

I think it is great he does so much to help out others. I have seen couples doing it together on holidays instead of spending them with families. Why can't you do it?

 

 

I also don't know why you cry over this. Why does he have to spend holidays with you? Why is holidays different than any other days that he spends with you and your family? it's not like holidays are the only days he sees your family, right?? and also if you attend the parties alone and explain to everyone your bf is volunteering at the church, Im sure they will understand.

 

Im surprised you call him an a** for being helping out others.

Edited September 20, 2016 by h0000

[Gaeta]

What if your BF is the one complaining that you refuse to celebrate your 50th with him together at the church, how would you feel?? What is your BF is complaining you never spend Xmas with him helping out the poor, how would you feel?

 

I don't think him helping out others on holidays is "neglecting his own family"

 

You said he does spend time with family, just not on all the holidays. So he is not neglecting.

 

I think it is great he does so much to help out others. I have seen couples doing it together on holidays instead of spending them with families. Why can't you do it?

 

 

I also don't know why you cry over this. Why does he have to spend holidays with you? Why is holidays different than any other days that he spends with you and your family? it's not like holidays are the only days he sees your family, right?? and also if you attend the parties alone and explain to everyone your bf is volunteering at the church, Im sure they will understand.

 

Im surprised you call him an a** for being helping out others.

 

I am very flexible. I would not refuse to go with him or do something with him if it were important to his heart. I go to Church with him when I have rejected religion years ago, just because he enjoys I go with him.

 

Please note my BF does not help the poor. He has not done it in the past. He just came up with this last night saying it's something he'd like to do but he has no concrete plans. When I asked him what I should expect then for Xmas he said I should go to my family the he'll go to Church and celebrate in private. There was no project of meeting the homeless and like someone said he doesn't help the homeless all year long so why this Xmas? and why cut me off for it? can't he do both?

 

I cried because I was greatly disappointed. Yes it's THAT important to me, again I only see my parents 3 times a YEAR, holidays are important to me and to all of my family. Yes if he does not come with me to Xmas night he will be heavily judged by my family, the same way I would harshly judge my brother's GF if she didn't show up.

 

I am sure my family would be impressed if he wants to volunteer on Xmas night but he won't. Again it's not something concrete he is about to do. It's something he threw in the air because he was running out of excuses.

[katiegrl]

First off, holidays are special and represent connecting with family and friends and celebrating a tradition that is and has been part of nearly ever culture since the beginning of time!

 

So no, holidays are not like any other day.

 

Second, I don't get why he can't compromise.

 

Many years ago, my dad and I would volunteer serving food at the shelter for the homeless for a few hours on Thanksgiving and Christmas.... and then come back home and celebrate the holiday with the rest of our family!

 

Why wouldn't something like that work? You could even join him Gaeta, it may even bring you closer!

 

Anyhoo I like your idea G of not mentioning again for another month.

 

See how it plays out, he may change his mind or be willing to compromise.

 

Being how holidays are SUPER important to you, I hope so!

[katiegrl]

 

Please note my BF does not help the poor. He has not done it in the past. He just came up with this last night saying it's something he'd like to do but he has no concrete plans. When I asked him what I should expect then for Xmas he said I should go to my family the he'll go to Church and celebrate in private. There was no project of meeting the homeless and like someone said he doesn't help the homeless all year long so why this Xmas? and why cut me off for it? can't he do both?

 

 

Wow, this sheds a new light. What would he do, sit home and watch movies?

 

Very very strange.

[Gaeta]

Maybe American posters do not understand how Xmas is important for us non-Americans. You guys celebrate Thanks Giving more I think. We don't celebrate Thanks Giving here. It's just a day off work. Xmas is the D day, we take from 1 to 2 weeks off to travel and be together. We don't do that for any other holiday.

[katiegrl]

Maybe American posters do not understand how Xmas is important for us non-Americans. You guys celebrate Thanks Giving more I think. We don't celebrate Thanks Giving here. It's just a day off work. Xmas is the D day, we take from 1 to 2 weeks off to travel and be together. We don't do that for any other holiday.

 

Gaeta, I am with you girl. This helping the homeless all of a sudden (when he's never done it before) sounds like a crock of you know what.

 

I don't know what his problem is.... but unless he changes his tune, combined with the fact he doesn't want you asking personal questions about his life along with not sharing certain aspects of his life (such as where he lives for starters).... personally I would seriously re-think this RL.

 

Something isn't jiving.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, I am with you girl. This helping the homeless all of a sudden (when he's never done it before) sounds like a crock of you know what.

 

I don't know what his problem is.... but unless he changes his tune, combined with the fact he doesn't want you asking personal questions about his life along with not sharing certain aspects of his life (such as where he lives for starters).... personally I would seriously re-think this RL.

 

Something isn't jiving.

 

He never said I could not ask questions about his life. He even offered we sit down and speak about our past.

 

I know where he lives, I have his address. I am just not in a hurry to visit a 1-1/2 apartment full of tools.

 

I have a list of phone numbers to reach his family in France in case of emergency.

 

There is no other issues.

[Shining One]

Maybe American posters do not understand how Xmas is important for us non-Americans. You guys celebrate Thanks Giving more I think. We don't celebrate Thanks Giving here. It's just a day off work. Xmas is the D day, we take from 1 to 2 weeks off to travel and be together. We don't do that for any other holiday.

Holidays are quite important to my family too and we spend our holidays together. However, I don't require my girlfriend to be there and neither I nor my family judges her negatively when she is not there.

[xxoo]

Maybe American posters do not understand how Xmas is important for us non-Americans. You guys celebrate Thanks Giving more I think. We don't celebrate Thanks Giving here. It's just a day off work. Xmas is the D day, we take from 1 to 2 weeks off to travel and be together. We don't do that for any other holiday.

 

It's our biggest family holiday, too.

 

Christmas with my family is extremely important to me. My point of view is, I wouldn't let anyone's poor attitude ruin that for me. Period.

 

I'd probably call him the Grinch, and that would be that. Any questions from family would be referred directly to him. I'd have a few extra drinks on his behalf

[Gaeta]

Lets say I am extra sensitive about Xmas. I spent the last 12 ones single. I was looking forward to my next one with a man special to me.

[getsmartie]

Gaets,

 

This may be slightly off topic but still relevant to this issue.

 

You seemed to be in such a rush to fast track this relationship. That is to say you were pretty much living together quite early on. I feel this is a big mistake, it takes a long time (at least one full year) to really get to know all facets of someone we are coupled with. Your full heart and life are now integrated. If you had taken the time living apart and gotten to know him you still would have discovered this without it potentially being a messier split.

 

As a side note, I would also be extremely disappointed if my bf wasn't with me for the big holidays.

Edited September 20, 2016 by getsmartie

[No_Go]

Gaeta, you tend to be very vigilant regarding other posters.

 

If I were to post here that after almost an year my BF never told me about his past, never introduced me to his friends and family, and we have never visited his apartment, what your advice would be?

 

I think the holidays are not the issue, the lack of real intimacy/vulnerability is.

 

He never said I could not ask questions about his life. He even offered we sit down and speak about our past.

 

I know where he lives, I have his address. I am just not in a hurry to visit a 1-1/2 apartment full of tools.

 

I have a list of phone numbers to reach his family in France in case of emergency.

 

There is no other issues.

[Gaeta]

Gaets,

 

This may be slightly off topic but still relevant to this issue.

 

You seemed to be in such a rush to fast track this relationship. That is to say you pretty much are living togethe quite early on. I feel this is a big mistake, it takes a long time (at least one full year) to really get to know all facets of someone we are coupled in with. Your full heart and life are now integrated. If you had taken the time living apart and gotten to know him you still would have discovered this without it potentially being a messier split.

 

As a side note, I would also be extremely disappointed if my bf wasn't with me for the big holidays.

 

We spent a lot of time together but we are not living together, he still has his apartment. He works 6 days a week, he works till 9-10 each night. We don't spend that much time together.

 

Yes it's been almost a year and my heart is full on. I think it's normal after 1 year. People are moving in together a year, heck people are getting married after a year. We still have our separate places. I am also 50 years old, I don't need 3 years to make up my mind about a man like when I was 20.

 

And no, dating 3 times a weeks is not getting to know someone. Getting to know someone is sleeping together each night, spending time with family, doing errands together, cooking together, and taking care of each other when we're sick, it's when sharing our most private sides we get to know someone.

 

I dated my ex-husband 3 YEARS the traditional way, seeing him only on weekends and holidays. When we got married I had no clue who that man was!!

 

Anyway, I am mad at him and that make me mad at pretty much anything that moves.

[clia]

I find it incredibly strange that you've never gone to his apartment. Aren't you curious to see how he lives?

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, you tend to be very vigilant regarding other posters.

 

If I were to post here that after almost an year my BF never told me about his past, never introduced me to his friends and family, and we have never visited his apartment, what your advice would be?

 

I think the holidays are not the issue, the lack of real intimacy/vulnerability is.

 

No_Go: I do not want to get on the defensive. There is a reason to all of this. He has been in Canada for 2 years. He has no family here, he has acquaintances but no real friends. I have his address and he invited me often to visit, I just don't have time or the need to see where he lives. It's a 1-1/2 full of tools with no Internet or cable. So I go there and what?? what does it change? No I didn't meet his family, they're aren't here but we are making plans to go over there and he talks about it in details. I have their phone numbers in case of emergency.

 

Good enough?

 

I have his bank account info...better?

 

What else? I have access to his phone, passport, wallet and laptop..good enough?

[getsmartie]

We spent a lot of time together but we are not living together, he still has his apartment. He works 6 days a week, he works till 9-10 each night. We don't spend that much time together.

 

Yes it's been almost a year and my heart is full on. I think it's normal after 1 year. People are moving in together a year, heck people are getting married after a year. We still have our separate places. I am also 50 years old, I don't need 3 years to make up my mind about a man like when I was 20.

 

And no, dating 3 times a weeks is not getting to know someone. Getting to know someone is sleeping together each night, spending time with family, doing errands together, cooking together, and taking care of each other when we're sick, it's when sharing our most private sides we get to know someone.

 

I dated my ex-husband 3 YEARS the traditional way, seeing him only on weekends and holidays. When we got married I had no clue who that man was!!

 

Anyway, I am mad at him and that make me mad at pretty much anything that moves.

 

I get you're angry at this situation, I'd be upset.

 

I'm 51 years old, see my bf once during the week and from Friday to sunday and I can tell you I know him very well. You can get to know someone without rushing in and playing house. And because your 50 what's the rush? No rush to fast track and have babies together. I don't get it. You are so quick to give strong advice but yet you can't absorb what others are trying to tell you!

 

Also go and see his apartment. How can you not be trying to verify him. You haven't met a sole from his side? You haven't seen the apartment...it's naive thinking.

[No_Go]

No need to be defensive, I was just asking you to look at the situation as an outsider.

 

I think a person's place give you info that you can't get without visiting (even regarding habits if you want).

 

I'm btw in a very similar situation to him (3 years in the country, no family here, and thinking how to finally get my BF into my life - family etc after 1.5 years). So I can tell you from first-person experience - if I wanted to introduce family etc earlier - I would, even if it was over the phone. I had my own intimacy concerns that made me delay. Btw my BF also access to my wallet, bank info etc - that' an indicator for trust but not for emotional intimacy.

 

No_Go: I do not want to get on the defensive. There is a reason to all of this. He has been in Canada for 2 years. He has no family here, he has acquaintances but no real friends. I have his address and he invited me often to visit, I just don't have time or the need to see where he lives. It's a 1-1/2 full of tools with no Internet or cable. So I go there and what?? what does it change? No I didn't meet his family, they're aren't here but we are making plans to go over there and he talks about it in details. I have their phone numbers in case of emergency.

 

Good enough?

 

I have his bank account info...better?

 

What else? I have access to his phone, passport, wallet and laptop..good enough?

[getsmartie]

I didn't see your last post. Have you skyped or even chatted with his family? His kids?

[Jejangles]

This is one of those moments where you will figure out how compatible you are, and how you resolve issues. You are starting pretty far apart on an issue so now you have to figure out how to move forward.

 

I think all you can do is calmly and clearly express that family events, birthdays etc. mean a lot to you, and your happiness will be greatly decreased if he does not attend. Then see if he is willing to bend at all, and if so, how that would work. The solution will likely require compromise on your part as well - maybe he will be ok with celebrating the major milestone birthdays but not those in between, so you will have to attend the smaller events alone.

 

You can then decide how you feel about his response. Don't look at it as already having spent a year with him, therefore you need to be unhappy. The reality is, you are still learning about each other, and these are the moments where you figure out if you really have long term compatibility.

[Gaeta]

I get you're angry at this situation, I'd be upset.

 

I'm 51 years old, see my bf once during the week and from Friday to sunday and I can tell you I know him very well. You can get to know someone without rushing in and playing house. And because your 50 what's the rush? No rush to fast track and have babies together. I don't get it. You are so quick to give strong advice but yet you can't absorb what others are trying to tell you!

 

Also go and see his apartment. How can you not be trying to verify him. You haven't met a sole from his side? You haven't seen the apartment...it's naive thinking.

What am l rishing exactly? I am not getting married, not moving in together, not melting my finances with him. Again what am l rushing?? I want to spend xmas with mt bf of 1 year is rushing??

[Gaeta]

I didn't see your last post. Have you skyped or even chatted with his family? His kids?

 

His children are adults they can wait.

 

 

It's too soon for me to expect xmas with him but not too soon to involve his children. Nice logic. If it's time enough to schedule his adults children on skype don't you think it's time enough to be with me at xmas?

[getsmartie]

What am l rishing exactly? I am not getting married, not moving in together, not melting my finances with him. Again what am l rushing?? I want to spend xmas with mt bf of 1 year is rushing??

 

After one year me and my bf spent our Christmas with our families separately but once my kids went to their dad on Christmas day we spent that whole day solely together.

 

If my bf came with me on Christmas eve I would have been ok but I didn't push it and he was with his kids.

 

What's the rush? Well it looks like he apparently has an apartment but spends most nights with you. Let's not play semantics, he's pretty much living with you. You haven't seen his apartment, met any friends or his family, nor have you spoken with his children? Until you have, why are rushing?

 

Btw. I have been with my bf for over 2 years and I don't have his bank accounts nor does he have mine. I have been to his house (too many times to count)...I've met all his siblings and mom and know his kids well. I will take knowing all of that versus his banking information.