Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I think you guys are in the midst of a major power struggle.

 

You are both very strong willed, and it's beginning to take its toll on the relationship.

 

Something's gotta give.

[Gaeta]

I think it was the way you "told" him.

 

You said you were "bossy".

 

Bossy = heavy-handed, demanding. Even controlling. Like a mother to a child.

 

What man wants to be bossed around by his girlfriend?

 

I think he was rebelling against being 'bossed'.

 

I don't know of any man who would go for that!

 

Unless he is weak and passive and from what you have posted about him previously, he sure doesn't sound like that!

 

He hates being controlled and bossed. I even have a thread about this but how else was I going to present this?

 

I started with do you have anything planed for 'date'? that's considering no? than he gives me the It's too far ahead. I don't like my time to be blocked. How should I have handled it from there? To me it's childish.

 

I don't like my time to be blocked as well so from now on no more cooking and no more laundry. If he gets up with no more underwear clean I'll just say sorry I don't like my time to be blocked into making laundry.

[AMJ]

When I told him about the birthday party I gave him a date. I felt a first resistance from him then. He does not like things to be set in dates. He does not want to be required to be in such and such place for a set time.

 

So right there he got tense.

 

How else do you want to organize get together?

 

Then he said it was 2 months away how can he know if he'll be able to make it, maybe he'll be dead. I said that's the point of telling him ahead of time so he doesn't book himself anywhere else and if he is dead than it's ok he doesn't have to come!

 

So I think it's from there it went downhill.

 

This sounds exhausting. As much as that incident 15 years ago was brutal...how can he let that ruin all birthdays and holidays until the end of time?

That's an extreme overreaction IMO.

 

I've had some pretty miserable family holidays as well, but that doesn't mean any of us give up completely...we all try to make things better next Christmas or whatever.

 

I don't know what I'll be doing in 2 months, I might be dead? wtf is that all about.

You have lots of patience with this guy.

[fred123]

Something like 15 years ago maybe more. It was his first year of marriage with second wife. He forgot her birthday. She got really mad and condescending to him. He felt bad, he went the following day to the jewelry store and pored all his saving in a necklace and earrings kit. When he gave them to her she opened the present and threw them back at him. It was the end of all birthdays for him.

 

hmm thats rough. i do think its right for him to go to your bore birthday!

ps i privatemesaged u x

[Gaeta]

You have lots of patience with this guy.

 

We rarely have issues. Other than that he is a sweetheart. Example he is repainting the outside of my home under a beating sun these days. He'd do anything to help me or please me.......except a birthday

[katiegrl]

We rarely have issues. Other than that he is a sweetheart. Example he is repainting the outside of my home under a beating sun these days. He'd do anything to help me or please me.......except a birthday

 

Well it sounds like you each have your roles.

 

You do the cooking, laundry, cleaning etc and he does the more "manly" stuff like painting, fixing things, etc.

 

Sure it's nice but so are all of the many things you do for him!

Edited September 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Well it sounds like you each have your roles.

 

You do the cooking, laundry, cleaning etc and he does the manly stuff like painting, fixing things, etc.

 

Sure it's nice but so are all of the many things you do for him!

 

So, I wish to have a happy relationship with him, more than I wish to have 'power'. But I do not know anymore how to not have power over things. I was alone 10 years, I also have been in position of authority over 13 years.

[Gaeta]

How did he react to that?

 

He'd have to have had a profoundly damaging birthday experience for this to rate as a red line relationship moment for him, like he was in a hospital celebrating someone's birthday in a war-torn country when it was attacked w missiles and everyone died.

 

He said he knows it's silly he is still hurt over this, he tried to get over it and make the hurt stop but It's still there today haunting him.

[jen1447]

He said he knows it's silly he is still hurt over this, he tried to get over it and make the hurt stop but It's still there today haunting him.

 

Well that does sound honest so give him credit for that.

 

In your opinion, do you think this is truly legit or moreso sth like he just doesn't like getting together w your family and he's using this as a tool to maneuver out? I'm having trouble comprehending how a bad birthday experience could lay him so low.

[Gaeta]

Well that does sound honest so give him credit for that.

 

In your opinion, do you think this is truly legit or moreso sth like he just doesn't like getting together w your family and he's using this as a tool to maneuver out? I'm having trouble comprehending how a bad birthday experience could lay him so low.

 

I don't think he is maneuvering out of family events. He himself offers to visit them at times. He even initiates trips to my parents that involves 20 hours driving round trip.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, I think you guys are in the midst of a major power struggle.

 

You are both very strong willed, and it's beginning to take its toll on the relationship.

 

Something's gotta give.

 

You're a smart cookie.

 

I made a search and relationships do have a power struggle phase, it's right before Mature Love.

 

Power struggle: The deeper problem both of you face is that you are triggering each other’s deepest attachments fears – most likely the fear of being rejected or abandoned, or the fear of being trapped, controlled or smothered.

 

My biggest fears is to be abandoned, not a secret since last bozo disappeared with no word of warning. And BF expressed loud and clear his fear of being controlled.

[Redhead14]

15 years ago maybe more. It was his first year of marriage with second wife. He forgot her birthday. She got really mad and condescending to him.

 

-- I understand that she was hurt and then did something really hurtful to him, but I think there's more to this story. He's having an extreme and long-harbored reaction to it. And, you are paying for the sins of other relationship partners.

 

How long did they stay married? He never did anything for her birthday after that either? How will he deal with your birthday? Apart from this experience, was there physical and/or emotional abuse for an extended period of time?

 

I'm just saying that he is really holding a grudge and it's spilling over into other relationships. If he can't let go of things from the past, that's not going to be fun for you. The jewelry thing was hurtful and it may make him mad to think about it, but he should be able to separate from all that by now. I don't think it's about just that incident.

 

I also didn't know he'd been married twice before. You guys are getting into some of the "real meat" of exploring relationship experience/skills/expectations, etc.

 

If you can, see if you can get him to talk in more detail about that day and their relationship overall. That hurt him, he felt bad, but it appears he never really processed it, talked about it, and never was able to let it go. And, maybe there's a lot more to it. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't press him.

Edited September 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added quote formatting ~6

[Gaeta]

He's having an extreme and long-harbored reaction to it. And, you are paying for the sins of other relationship partners.

I told him exactly that during our Sunday debate. I told him he was making me pay for his ex mistake. He hurried to say no he was not! and I begged to differ. I am the one who's going to attend a family gathering alone and be hurt for it, not him!

 

We were walking the aisle and I stopped him. I said: I am a woman trying to live her life with as much integrity as possible and I am not into these silly games of hurting my man over missed birthdays. I am not your ex, I am not the one who hurt you.

 

How long did they stay married? He never did anything for her birthday after that either?

They were married 10 years. She got pregnant at beginning, unplanned pregnancy. The relationship would have ended much before if not for his daughter. That being said I think he had a much more positive experience with his first marriage that lasted also 10 years.

 

How will he deal with your birthday?

 

I have NO idea and it's coming up in 5 weeks.

 

Apart from this experience, was there physical and/or emotional abuse for an extended period of time?

Second wife was very controlling and vindictive.

[Gaeta]

I told him exactly that during our Sunday debate. I told him he was making me pay for his ex mistake. He hurried to say no he was not! and I begged to differ. I am the one who's going to attend a family gathering alone and be hurt for it, not him!

 

We were walking the aisle and I stopped him. I said: I am a woman trying to live her life with as much integrity as possible and I am not into these silly games of hurting my man over missed birthdays. I am not your ex, I am not the one who hurt you.

 

I meant to add when I spoke to him he did not retaliate much. He would say nothing or would say that I was right.

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I sent you a PM on this, but IMO you need to let your bf "be" his own man and make his own decisions.

 

That means you tell him when your brother's birthday is, that you would like him to come, that it's important to you, but you allow HIM to make the decision whether or not he wants to go.

 

When you present it like that, allowing it to be his decision which it should be, knowing how important it is to you, even if he does have an issue with "birthdays (which sounds like a crock IMO), he would be more inclined to want to go.... for you.

 

But when you start bossing, making demands that "this is what you WILL be doing, don't make any other plans on that day!" that comes across like a demand and controlling.

 

I know your fear is of being abandoned but if you continue attempting to boss/control him (which he has had issues with before)... you will end up causing the very thing you fear -- that being, being abandoned.

[jen1447]

I meant to add when I spoke to him he did not retaliate much. He would say nothing or would say that I was right.

 

Hm. This is a bit OT but do you not particularly like him being meek? (If so that could color how you see things here.)

[rester]

We rarely have issues. Other than that he is a sweetheart. Example he is repainting the outside of my home under a beating sun these days. He'd do anything to help me or please me.......except a birthday

 

So, I wish to have a happy relationship with him, more than I wish to have 'power'. But I do not know anymore how to not have power over things. I was alone 10 years, I also have been in position of authority over 13 years.

 

He said he knows it's silly he is still hurt over this, he tried to get over it and make the hurt stop but It's still there today haunting him.

 

He himself admits it's silly and has tried to get over it. Everyone posting and reading here may also think it's silly, but don't most of us have ridiculous hang-ups we wish we didn't have?

 

If my partner expressed these feelings towards birthdays and holidays, I would try to be understanding and not try to force her to do something she didn't want to do.

 

Maybe it's not the best analogy, but if you were to replace "going to my brother's birthday party" with some sort of sexual activity that he wasn't into...what would you do? Or even something as mundane as going shopping for clothes? Would you try to force your boyfriend to go shopping with you if he didn't want to go?

 

If most everything else is great I would probably let this slide and try to understand his side of things a little better.

[rester]

Gaeta, I sent you a PM on this, but IMO you need to let your bf "be" his own man and make his own decisions.

 

That means you tell him when your brother's birthday is, that you would like him to come, that it's important to you, but you allow HIM to make the decision whether or not he wants to go.

 

When you present it like that, allowing it to be his decision which it should be, knowing how important it is to you, even if he does have an issue with "birthdays (which sounds like a crock IMO), he would be more inclined to want to go.... for you.

 

But when you start bossing, making demands that "this is what you WILL be doing, don't make any other plans on that day!" that comes across like a demand and controlling.

 

I know your fear is of being abandoned but if you continue attempting to boss/control him (which he has had issues with before)... you will end up causing the very thing you fear -- that being, being abandoned.

 

This is a very good point also.

 

Let him know how important it is to you but also give him an out and...I'll add...if he DOES choose the out...try to be a little understanding.

 

I also don't take well to bossiness or controlling behavior and part of that is because I am not bossy or controlling towards other people and won't accept that sort of treatment of myself.

[GemmaUK]

I'm in two minds to a degree.

 

I think he is being stupid for making that birthday the reason to renounce all birthdays - unless he is a total sulker and is still sulking for forgetting.

 

Or there is a whole lot more to this that he isn't telling you.

 

I wouldn't be at all happy over the no go for the b/day and the reason why.

Moreover by the fact he likes your folks.

 

Something isn't adding up and it's bigger than a forgotten birthday and expensive jewellery thrown at him.

Maybe it's his accountability for things or feeling controlled by setting a date? - I don't know - but I wouldn't be a happy bunny to accept he can never cope with a damn birthday.

[Gaeta]

He himself admits it's silly and has tried to get over it. Everyone posting and reading here may also think it's silly, but don't most of us have ridiculous hang-ups we wish we didn't have?

 

If my partner expressed these feelings towards birthdays and holidays, I would try to be understanding and not try to force her to do something she didn't want to do.

 

Maybe it's not the best analogy, but if you were to replace "going to my brother's birthday party" with some sort of sexual activity that he wasn't into...what would you do? Or even something as mundane as going shopping for clothes? Would you try to force your boyfriend to go shopping with you if he didn't want to go?

 

If most everything else is great I would probably let this slide and try to understand his side of things a little better.

 

Dear rester, here's the thing. I was single near 10 years. I was thriving on my own but what I had the most difficulties with was to be on my own to all birthdays and all holidays. I come from a big close knitted family and the only one always showing up alone.

 

I don't know if I can be in a relationship with a man that will prefer to stay home alone than to be with me and my family on Xmas Eve, or New Years day, or on anyone's birthday. Next year I am throwing a huge birthday party for my daughter 30th. He won't attend?

[katiegrl]

Dear rester, here's the thing. I was single near 10 years. I was thriving on my own but what I had the most difficulties with was to be on my own to all birthdays and all holidays. I come from a big close knitted family and the only one always showing up alone.

 

I don't know if I can be in a relationship with a man that will prefer to stay home alone than to be with me and my family on Xmas Eve, or New Years day, or on anyone's birthday. Next year I am throwing a huge birthday party for my daughter 30th. He won't attend?

 

Well then, if that's the case, you end the RL.

 

Not attempt to force him to match your particular needs and expectations via making demands that he do 'this or that.' Again controlling.

 

I mean you can hope that he does, but as I said, it should still be HIS decision.

 

And if his decision is to skip these events, knowing how important they are to you, then you re-think the RL and whether or not he is the man for you.

[rester]

Dear rester, here's the thing. I was single near 10 years. I was thriving on my own but what I had the most difficulties with was to be on my own to all birthdays and all holidays. I come from a big close knitted family and the only one always showing up alone.

 

I don't know if I can be in a relationship with a man that will prefer to stay home alone than to be with me and my family on Xmas Eve, or New Years day, or on anyone's birthday. Next year I am throwing a huge birthday party for my daughter 30th. He won't attend?

 

Well, if he knows how important it is to you I would hope he would make the decision to put his hang-up about birthdays aside and go for you, even though he doesn't like it. It appears you both have very strong (and opposite) feelings about this so it could come down to a life-style compatibility issue. I can see both your sides of things and it's up to you whether it's a dealbreaker or not.

 

The issue isn't really about birthdays, it's that you feel passionate about including him in something, and he feels just as passionately the opposite.

 

Maybe you can compromise and agree to do something with him that you don't particularly like, if he agrees to go to the party.

[Vado]

Maybe he doesn't like crowded places in general. If it's a real fear, like a phobi and he becomes in panic mode, you can't expect him to join you birthdayplaces, but if it's like ''I get bored' than it's a stupid attitude.

 

You know best.

[Gaeta]

Maybe he doesn't like crowded places in general. If it's a real fear, like a phobi and he becomes in panic mode, you can't expect him to join you birthdayplaces, but if it's like ''I get bored' than it's a stupid attitude.

 

You know best.

 

It's nothing like that. He is very outgoing, he speaks to everybody, he is often the center of attention with his jokes and stories.

 

If I show up somewhere without him people are almost disappointed to just see me.

[xxoo]

This is not the hill I would die on.

 

I'm not about trying to control people. Don't want to go? Ok, see you later. Feed yourself.